The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 4 - Sara's Parents - full transcript
Sara's parent's are coming for a visit. Roberta and Ernest - Bert and Ernie as Fran calls them - are proper and somewhat uptight. Maxwell has told them nothing about Fran and himself. Upon Roberta and Ernest's arrival, Maxwell and Fran have to quickly tell them about the marriage to overcome an otherwise embarrassing situation. But Fran wants to win them over before she and Maxwell tell them about Fran adopting the kids. She thinks things are going well, that is until she tells them about the adoption. Roberta forbids it to happen and threatens to take Maxwell and Fran to court. Fran is worried that she will be proved unfit mother material due to all her past indiscretions in life. But perhaps Roberta and Ernest's concern has little to do with Fran as a person and more with their future connection with their grandchildren. Elsewhere, Yetta thinks that Niles is her husband.
Yetta.
What are you still doing here?
This is exactly where I left you
when I went to bed last night.
Your grandfather's supposed to pick me up.
Sweetie, Grandpa passed away.
-When?
-Well, 1973.
Come on, sweetie, you gotta go home.
To who? My husband's dead.
Come on, Yetta, we're having company.
Maxwell's late wife's parents are coming
and it's always best that new people,
only meet one Fine per sitting.
-I completely understand.
-Good.
I'll be out of here
as soon as Grandpa picks me up.
There's Grandpa now.
Where have you been?
Sweetheart, Sara's parents are
gonna be here any minute.
Alright, what are you so nervous about?
I thought you said they were thrilled
when you told them we got married.
Well, darling, I lied.
What do you mean? You didn't tell them?
Are you ashamed of me?
Am I embarrassing to you?
Why aren't you answering?
Sweetheart, you're very special.
You're an acquired taste like Feta cheese.
You're comparing me
to smelly, Greek cheese?
Sweetheart, these are Sara's parents.
This is a very sensitive situation
for them.
I mean, in their minds, you are
in effect, replacing their daughter.
So I wanna break it to them gently.
Who compares a wife to cheese?
All right, forget the cheese.
You're not a cheese.
You're a beautiful, vibrant,
sexy, charming woman.
Now, they're gonna be here.
I want you to make a good impression.
-So, please get out of that robe.
-All right.
-What do you think they'll think of this?
-I don't know. Why don't you ask them?
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
Till her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door
She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
She had style, she had flair She was there
That's how she became the nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described
Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?
Now the father finds her beguiling
Watch out C.C.
And the kids are actually smiling
Such joie de vivre
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from flushing
The nanny named Fran
That was so embarrassing.
I'm so humiliated,
although he had a smile on his face,
but I think she was a little stand-offish.
Well darling, I smoothed things over,
I think, when I told them
the naked nanny in my living room
is now my naked wife.
I just hope she didn't hurt her head
when she passed out.
You've got to give them time.
I know they can be a bit abrading, but--
What?
Pains in the tuchus.
When you marry someone,
you're rather stuck with the parents.
That's true.
I mean, how often are you blessed
with a Morty and a Sylvia?
Once in a lifetime, darling.
Well, I'm not concerned.
We'll win them over,
and just to cinch the deal,
how about if we take them to Wiley's Ribs?
We'll order the onion loaf,
go the whole nine yards.
I'm not so sure that's a good idea.
Why? They're not good with the fried?
No, it's just that Sara's parents aren't
really the ribs, beans, and slaw types.
So they like to end their meals
with a liqueur, not a wet nap.
Excuse me.
I just thought that it would be
a nice way to celebrate
after we sign the adoption papers
for the kids on Friday.
Yes, well, now, about that.
You see, we've just told them
we're married.
I don't want to overwhelm them
with too much good news all at once.
What are you saying? Do you think
they're gonna have a problem
-with me adopting their grandkids?
-No, I'm sure they won't have a problem.
It's just I think it would be better
if we maybe put off telling them
till you've really impressed them
with your charm
and your warmth and elegance.
I gotcha. I see where you're coming from.
So tell me, what do you think?
Should I wear this?
Oh, my God, what a mess.
This is how you plan to impress
Sara's parents? What did you cook?
Juice.
Plus, I managed
to save three whole muffins.
-What about these others with the icing?
-Don't touch those.
That's fire extinguisher foam.
Don't worry.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I've got it all under control.
I'm just waiting for the bell to ding.
Done.
-Hi.
-Hi. Here you go.
-Okay.
-That'll be $85.
Eighty-five, here you go.
-Thank you. Keep the change.
-Thanks.
I can't believe you spent $85
for breakfast just to avoid cooking.
I spend $30 at the IHOP.
Twenty at the diner
if Shirley's on the counter.
Are you telling me those fluffy pancakes
with the pineapple smile you don't make?
Do you think if I had the foresight
to come up
with the pineapple smile concept
I'd keep this swell job?
I haven't cooked a breakfast
in this kitchen in six years
that they haven't gone nuts for.
Sara's parents are beginning to wonder
just how much longer
they're gonna have to wait for breakfast.
You know, breakfast is always made
much quicker when Niles orders it.
-You knew?
-Oh, please.
Like you'd have the smarts to come up
with that pineapple smile concept.
Well, the sausage patty yarmulke
for Rosh Hashanah was a Niles exclusive.
Honey, I'm sorry that breakfast
is taking so long.
I just want everything to be so right.
I mean, while they're here,
I just want to come across
as the perfect wife and mother.
And after they're gone?
Don't hurt my feelings, I'm injured.
I'm sorry, darling.
Now, go in the dining room, gather
everyone together in the dining room.
And while you're there, maybe
you can smooth over that little faux pas
you made with Roberta.
What faux pas? I would think that
if I had a hair growing out of my chin
I'd want someone to tell me.
I was just telling Roberta and Ernest--
Well, after what you saw today,
I think I can call you Bert and Ernie.
-What is this?
-A Band-Aid?
And we have a winner.
I like to keep the kids entertained.
I don't think it's going very well.
-Hi.
-This ought to pick things up.
I was in the vicinity picking up Metamucil
for your father, Morton.
I see you have company.
Sylvia, these are our grandparents.
I'm Fran's mother, Sylvia Ray Fine.
-Ma. Go.
-No.
Sweetheart, aren't you gonna be late
for the museum?
-What?
-Mrs. Sheffield loves taking the children
to the museum
and other cultural activities.
-What museum are you going to?
-It's Brighton's day to pick.
Well, we're going to the Whitney Museum.
She's got a museum?
I wonder if they're gonna have that outfit
that she wore in The Bodyguard.
-Hi.
-You're home.
How was the museum?
Well, first of all, you know,
they have these little electronic eyes.
So if you as much as touch a painting,
all these big alarms go off.
Do I really need to tell you
the rest of the story?
Niles, what's wrong with me?
-Why can't I fit in?
-Because you're like me.
We're movers. We're shakers.
We're creative people
who live outside the box.
Look what I came up with.
Velcro pot holders.
Niles, I don't know how to tell you this
but they have those in all the stores.
Great. You tell one big-mouth cashier
at Pottery Barn...
What am I gonna do?
I really want Sara's parents
to feel comfortable with me
raising their grandkids.
Give up, Nanny Fine.
You're never gonna win them over.
They prefer a woman like me. A woman of--
Sixty.
You're a real riot, Niles.
Here's a punch line for you.
Yetta, your husband's in here!
Oh, God.
Look at him go. He can't wait.
I'll surprise him. I'll take the elevator.
The elevator's out of order, Yetta.
Poor Nanny Fine.
I wish I could help,
but I won't.
Because you have him, I don't,
and I want him.
You know, Miss Babcock.
I think that herbal Prozac doesn't have
quite the same kick as the real.
Don't you worry about me, Nanny Fine.
I'll be very calm tomorrow night
after I have martinis
with Roberta and Ernest
before I take them to the symphony.
Well, it just so happens
that I have plans to take them out
for cocktails
and entertainment tonight.
You're not the only one
that knows how to impress, girlfriend.
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
She don't know the words.
There ain't no mountain high...
This is horrendous. I'm getting the check.
Look, Nana's waving at us. She loves me.
Ladies and gentlemen, staff here
at Ping Chow Restaurant
this Friday is a very special day
for our little family.
Nana Roberta, Papa Ernest.
I know that I could never replace Sara.
And I never want to try.
But I love these kids so much.
And that is why on Friday,
I will officially adopt them.
Over my dead body.
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you...
How could they be contesting the adoption?
-On what grounds?
-They think you're an unfit mother.
Unfit? I'm in the best shape of my life.
No, I know what this is all about.
They don't like my people.
No, they're not anti-Semitic.
They're best friends with the Rothschilds.
I meant my mother.
Nanny Fine, I just heard the news.
Now, I know that we've had
our differences, but this is truly unfair.
Those children mean the world to you,
and if there is anything I can do to help.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I am going to go see my lawyer.
You do that, Maxwell.
Those people have no case.
They can't do this to you because--
You are such a loser.
You know, Miss Babcock I really appreciate
your Linda Tripp-type friendship.
But my husband is a very powerful man
and we will win.
Not before Sara's parents get their lawyer
to prove you are not mother material
by digging up every little thing
about your past.
What are they gonna dig up on me?
Except something that happened
in high school,
and maybe right before I came here,
and once last year.
I'm dead.
Ma, I'm upset. I'm about to lose my kids.
Why don't you have anything sweet
in this house?
I got rid of it all. I went to the doctor,
and according to my weight chart
I should be 7'9".
Why don't you just solve your problems
like other people?
Without food.
-You wanna try it?
-I'll give it a whirl.
Fran, this is so sad.
You are such a good mother to those kids.
Why would Sara's parents go rooting
in your past to prove that you're unfit?
I know, Val. I thought
that they were just gonna focus
on the things that I teach them
that might be inappropriate.
You know, like how to make a phony ID.
-How to change a D into a B.
-Right.
How to return a dress
that you've worn for a year.
But I didn't think that they were gonna
start looking for bad things.
Darling, this is a very serious problem.
I don't know. I don't know.
You know, some things
even a mother can't solve.
All right, I'm back.
Fran, you don't want your husband
to hear about your past.
These grandparents are rich people,
and rich people can dig up anything
on anyone.
Look at this Ken Starr.
Yeah, but I read that report
on what they said she did to him,
and I don't believe it.
You don't think a president would do that?
A Jewish girl would never do that.
Ma, what is in this coffee?
Cognac.
It acts like an expectorant.
And gives me a little buzz.
Val, this is just terrible.
I mean, I wish I knew
what Sara's parents were gonna find out
about me.
I've done a lot of things.
Does that mean I remember them?
Well, there was that one time
you went to jail,
but they let you go when you proved
it was powdered sugar from a doughnut
on your nostrils.
That's true.
So you spent a lot of time
in the high school's principal's office.
Was that any reason to blame you
for his divorce?
All right, Val, you've said enough.
Remember what happened in Acapulco?
-When were you ever in Acapulco?
-She means the restaurant.
Remember, Ma, you stole the dip.
Sure.
I just love those kids so much,
and I want to make them legally mine.
You know, don't rock the boat.
It's a dangerous thing.
Anyway, you know, it's not so great
having kids.
Most of my life, I wished I didn't.
Ma.
Did that come out of me?
Forgive me. It's the cognac talking.
Fran, we don't wanna go out to dinner
with our grandparents.
If they don't like you,
then we don't like them.
How are we supposed to be nice
to people who hate you?
Sweetie, they don't hate me.
Yeah, Fran, they really hate you.
I don't understand
why you don't even try to fight for us.
Sweetie, this is a very big decision.
I mean, it's all very confusing.
I just don't know what to tell you.
Okay, I'm back.
Look, you guys love me, I love you.
What does the adoption paper do?
It doesn't change a thing.
It's just a little piece of paper.
It doesn't mean anything.
A piece of paper meant a lot
when you wanted to marry daddy.
Well, that's different.
That's community property.
Fine, don't fight for us.
We don't want to be a burden.
We'll see each other at weddings
and, God forbid, funerals.
Sweetie.
They're not taking you away.
They're just trying to stop the adoption,
that's all.
Now, I want you to have a nice evening
with your grandparents.
Go put on something pretty and handsome.
Just no animal prints or sequins.
These people have no regard
for haute couture.
You know Fran,
if something did happen to Daddy,
they could take them away,
because you're not our legal mom.
Darling, do you think I should go with
the brown suit or the gray herringbone...
All right, look, I was arrested in '84.
It was powdered sugar.
And my principal did have an affair,
but it was with Mrs. Simon.
-I had nothing to do with it.
-Darling, darling, darling,
what are you talking about?
Sweetie, if we go and fight in court,
they are gonna do an investigation on me.
And there are things you don't know
about me that might come out.
I mean, ugly things. Very ugly things.
Darling, darling, I know all
about your past.
Before I hired you as my nanny,
I had you thoroughly investigated.
-What?
-Yeah. Well, I'm not about to trust
some stranger with my children, am I?
Come on, didn't you--
Didn't you check me out?
I checked you out.
So you see, you have absolutely
nothing to confess.
I know everything about you.
Everything? Even my age?
Actually, that was the one thing
even the FBI couldn't verify.
The closest they could get was 31.
Thirty-one?
Well, I guess the truth is out.
Listen, you guys, we really need to talk
to you about this whole adoption issue.
Yes, we don't want to fight you,
but we will if we have to.
Now, we wanna do what's best
for the children,
and what's best for them
is for all of us to be a family.
Well, if Sara were still here,
we would be.
Calm down, Roberta. They didn't kill her.
Roberta, I don't mean to seem insensitive.
I understand that the kids are
your link to Sara.
But my adopting them is
never going to change that.
Well, I'm sorry.
But I worry that they don't even think
about their mother anymore.
That's not true, grandma.
We think about Mom all the time.
And sometimes when we really miss her,
Fran puts on old videotapes of her
and watches them with us.
And every year on Mom's birthday,
Fran has us light
a yahrzeit candle for her.
-A what?
-It's a Jewish tradition.
It sort of lights the way
to a happy afterlife.
Also in Hebrew tradition,
we're only allowed to light one candle
on Fran's birthday cake.
-But I forget what that means.
-It's in the Torah.
It's very sacred.
Roberta, Ernest...
you'll always be welcome here,
and you'll always be part of our family.
Yes.
Why don't you two join us
and the children for dinner
and we'll continue this conversation?
Listen, Ernie, is there anything
that I can do to get on Bert's good side?
Well, is there a Wiley's Ribs around here?
She's wild for the onion loaf.
Listen, you guys,
I want you to know that I love
these children so very much,
and I promise you
that I am going to provide them
with a warm, loving, and most of all,
stable environment.
What time do you open?
Please, Niles, take pity on her.
She's old, she's lonely,
she's losing her mind.
It's just one night, one dinner.
How's it gonna kill you?
All right.
-But I'm only doing this for you.
-Thank you.
Come on, Babcock,
I'll let you buy me dinner.
What are you still doing here?
This is exactly where I left you
when I went to bed last night.
Your grandfather's supposed to pick me up.
Sweetie, Grandpa passed away.
-When?
-Well, 1973.
Come on, sweetie, you gotta go home.
To who? My husband's dead.
Come on, Yetta, we're having company.
Maxwell's late wife's parents are coming
and it's always best that new people,
only meet one Fine per sitting.
-I completely understand.
-Good.
I'll be out of here
as soon as Grandpa picks me up.
There's Grandpa now.
Where have you been?
Sweetheart, Sara's parents are
gonna be here any minute.
Alright, what are you so nervous about?
I thought you said they were thrilled
when you told them we got married.
Well, darling, I lied.
What do you mean? You didn't tell them?
Are you ashamed of me?
Am I embarrassing to you?
Why aren't you answering?
Sweetheart, you're very special.
You're an acquired taste like Feta cheese.
You're comparing me
to smelly, Greek cheese?
Sweetheart, these are Sara's parents.
This is a very sensitive situation
for them.
I mean, in their minds, you are
in effect, replacing their daughter.
So I wanna break it to them gently.
Who compares a wife to cheese?
All right, forget the cheese.
You're not a cheese.
You're a beautiful, vibrant,
sexy, charming woman.
Now, they're gonna be here.
I want you to make a good impression.
-So, please get out of that robe.
-All right.
-What do you think they'll think of this?
-I don't know. Why don't you ask them?
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
Till her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door
She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
She had style, she had flair She was there
That's how she became the nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described
Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?
Now the father finds her beguiling
Watch out C.C.
And the kids are actually smiling
Such joie de vivre
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from flushing
The nanny named Fran
That was so embarrassing.
I'm so humiliated,
although he had a smile on his face,
but I think she was a little stand-offish.
Well darling, I smoothed things over,
I think, when I told them
the naked nanny in my living room
is now my naked wife.
I just hope she didn't hurt her head
when she passed out.
You've got to give them time.
I know they can be a bit abrading, but--
What?
Pains in the tuchus.
When you marry someone,
you're rather stuck with the parents.
That's true.
I mean, how often are you blessed
with a Morty and a Sylvia?
Once in a lifetime, darling.
Well, I'm not concerned.
We'll win them over,
and just to cinch the deal,
how about if we take them to Wiley's Ribs?
We'll order the onion loaf,
go the whole nine yards.
I'm not so sure that's a good idea.
Why? They're not good with the fried?
No, it's just that Sara's parents aren't
really the ribs, beans, and slaw types.
So they like to end their meals
with a liqueur, not a wet nap.
Excuse me.
I just thought that it would be
a nice way to celebrate
after we sign the adoption papers
for the kids on Friday.
Yes, well, now, about that.
You see, we've just told them
we're married.
I don't want to overwhelm them
with too much good news all at once.
What are you saying? Do you think
they're gonna have a problem
-with me adopting their grandkids?
-No, I'm sure they won't have a problem.
It's just I think it would be better
if we maybe put off telling them
till you've really impressed them
with your charm
and your warmth and elegance.
I gotcha. I see where you're coming from.
So tell me, what do you think?
Should I wear this?
Oh, my God, what a mess.
This is how you plan to impress
Sara's parents? What did you cook?
Juice.
Plus, I managed
to save three whole muffins.
-What about these others with the icing?
-Don't touch those.
That's fire extinguisher foam.
Don't worry.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I've got it all under control.
I'm just waiting for the bell to ding.
Done.
-Hi.
-Hi. Here you go.
-Okay.
-That'll be $85.
Eighty-five, here you go.
-Thank you. Keep the change.
-Thanks.
I can't believe you spent $85
for breakfast just to avoid cooking.
I spend $30 at the IHOP.
Twenty at the diner
if Shirley's on the counter.
Are you telling me those fluffy pancakes
with the pineapple smile you don't make?
Do you think if I had the foresight
to come up
with the pineapple smile concept
I'd keep this swell job?
I haven't cooked a breakfast
in this kitchen in six years
that they haven't gone nuts for.
Sara's parents are beginning to wonder
just how much longer
they're gonna have to wait for breakfast.
You know, breakfast is always made
much quicker when Niles orders it.
-You knew?
-Oh, please.
Like you'd have the smarts to come up
with that pineapple smile concept.
Well, the sausage patty yarmulke
for Rosh Hashanah was a Niles exclusive.
Honey, I'm sorry that breakfast
is taking so long.
I just want everything to be so right.
I mean, while they're here,
I just want to come across
as the perfect wife and mother.
And after they're gone?
Don't hurt my feelings, I'm injured.
I'm sorry, darling.
Now, go in the dining room, gather
everyone together in the dining room.
And while you're there, maybe
you can smooth over that little faux pas
you made with Roberta.
What faux pas? I would think that
if I had a hair growing out of my chin
I'd want someone to tell me.
I was just telling Roberta and Ernest--
Well, after what you saw today,
I think I can call you Bert and Ernie.
-What is this?
-A Band-Aid?
And we have a winner.
I like to keep the kids entertained.
I don't think it's going very well.
-Hi.
-This ought to pick things up.
I was in the vicinity picking up Metamucil
for your father, Morton.
I see you have company.
Sylvia, these are our grandparents.
I'm Fran's mother, Sylvia Ray Fine.
-Ma. Go.
-No.
Sweetheart, aren't you gonna be late
for the museum?
-What?
-Mrs. Sheffield loves taking the children
to the museum
and other cultural activities.
-What museum are you going to?
-It's Brighton's day to pick.
Well, we're going to the Whitney Museum.
She's got a museum?
I wonder if they're gonna have that outfit
that she wore in The Bodyguard.
-Hi.
-You're home.
How was the museum?
Well, first of all, you know,
they have these little electronic eyes.
So if you as much as touch a painting,
all these big alarms go off.
Do I really need to tell you
the rest of the story?
Niles, what's wrong with me?
-Why can't I fit in?
-Because you're like me.
We're movers. We're shakers.
We're creative people
who live outside the box.
Look what I came up with.
Velcro pot holders.
Niles, I don't know how to tell you this
but they have those in all the stores.
Great. You tell one big-mouth cashier
at Pottery Barn...
What am I gonna do?
I really want Sara's parents
to feel comfortable with me
raising their grandkids.
Give up, Nanny Fine.
You're never gonna win them over.
They prefer a woman like me. A woman of--
Sixty.
You're a real riot, Niles.
Here's a punch line for you.
Yetta, your husband's in here!
Oh, God.
Look at him go. He can't wait.
I'll surprise him. I'll take the elevator.
The elevator's out of order, Yetta.
Poor Nanny Fine.
I wish I could help,
but I won't.
Because you have him, I don't,
and I want him.
You know, Miss Babcock.
I think that herbal Prozac doesn't have
quite the same kick as the real.
Don't you worry about me, Nanny Fine.
I'll be very calm tomorrow night
after I have martinis
with Roberta and Ernest
before I take them to the symphony.
Well, it just so happens
that I have plans to take them out
for cocktails
and entertainment tonight.
You're not the only one
that knows how to impress, girlfriend.
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
She don't know the words.
There ain't no mountain high...
This is horrendous. I'm getting the check.
Look, Nana's waving at us. She loves me.
Ladies and gentlemen, staff here
at Ping Chow Restaurant
this Friday is a very special day
for our little family.
Nana Roberta, Papa Ernest.
I know that I could never replace Sara.
And I never want to try.
But I love these kids so much.
And that is why on Friday,
I will officially adopt them.
Over my dead body.
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you...
How could they be contesting the adoption?
-On what grounds?
-They think you're an unfit mother.
Unfit? I'm in the best shape of my life.
No, I know what this is all about.
They don't like my people.
No, they're not anti-Semitic.
They're best friends with the Rothschilds.
I meant my mother.
Nanny Fine, I just heard the news.
Now, I know that we've had
our differences, but this is truly unfair.
Those children mean the world to you,
and if there is anything I can do to help.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I am going to go see my lawyer.
You do that, Maxwell.
Those people have no case.
They can't do this to you because--
You are such a loser.
You know, Miss Babcock I really appreciate
your Linda Tripp-type friendship.
But my husband is a very powerful man
and we will win.
Not before Sara's parents get their lawyer
to prove you are not mother material
by digging up every little thing
about your past.
What are they gonna dig up on me?
Except something that happened
in high school,
and maybe right before I came here,
and once last year.
I'm dead.
Ma, I'm upset. I'm about to lose my kids.
Why don't you have anything sweet
in this house?
I got rid of it all. I went to the doctor,
and according to my weight chart
I should be 7'9".
Why don't you just solve your problems
like other people?
Without food.
-You wanna try it?
-I'll give it a whirl.
Fran, this is so sad.
You are such a good mother to those kids.
Why would Sara's parents go rooting
in your past to prove that you're unfit?
I know, Val. I thought
that they were just gonna focus
on the things that I teach them
that might be inappropriate.
You know, like how to make a phony ID.
-How to change a D into a B.
-Right.
How to return a dress
that you've worn for a year.
But I didn't think that they were gonna
start looking for bad things.
Darling, this is a very serious problem.
I don't know. I don't know.
You know, some things
even a mother can't solve.
All right, I'm back.
Fran, you don't want your husband
to hear about your past.
These grandparents are rich people,
and rich people can dig up anything
on anyone.
Look at this Ken Starr.
Yeah, but I read that report
on what they said she did to him,
and I don't believe it.
You don't think a president would do that?
A Jewish girl would never do that.
Ma, what is in this coffee?
Cognac.
It acts like an expectorant.
And gives me a little buzz.
Val, this is just terrible.
I mean, I wish I knew
what Sara's parents were gonna find out
about me.
I've done a lot of things.
Does that mean I remember them?
Well, there was that one time
you went to jail,
but they let you go when you proved
it was powdered sugar from a doughnut
on your nostrils.
That's true.
So you spent a lot of time
in the high school's principal's office.
Was that any reason to blame you
for his divorce?
All right, Val, you've said enough.
Remember what happened in Acapulco?
-When were you ever in Acapulco?
-She means the restaurant.
Remember, Ma, you stole the dip.
Sure.
I just love those kids so much,
and I want to make them legally mine.
You know, don't rock the boat.
It's a dangerous thing.
Anyway, you know, it's not so great
having kids.
Most of my life, I wished I didn't.
Ma.
Did that come out of me?
Forgive me. It's the cognac talking.
Fran, we don't wanna go out to dinner
with our grandparents.
If they don't like you,
then we don't like them.
How are we supposed to be nice
to people who hate you?
Sweetie, they don't hate me.
Yeah, Fran, they really hate you.
I don't understand
why you don't even try to fight for us.
Sweetie, this is a very big decision.
I mean, it's all very confusing.
I just don't know what to tell you.
Okay, I'm back.
Look, you guys love me, I love you.
What does the adoption paper do?
It doesn't change a thing.
It's just a little piece of paper.
It doesn't mean anything.
A piece of paper meant a lot
when you wanted to marry daddy.
Well, that's different.
That's community property.
Fine, don't fight for us.
We don't want to be a burden.
We'll see each other at weddings
and, God forbid, funerals.
Sweetie.
They're not taking you away.
They're just trying to stop the adoption,
that's all.
Now, I want you to have a nice evening
with your grandparents.
Go put on something pretty and handsome.
Just no animal prints or sequins.
These people have no regard
for haute couture.
You know Fran,
if something did happen to Daddy,
they could take them away,
because you're not our legal mom.
Darling, do you think I should go with
the brown suit or the gray herringbone...
All right, look, I was arrested in '84.
It was powdered sugar.
And my principal did have an affair,
but it was with Mrs. Simon.
-I had nothing to do with it.
-Darling, darling, darling,
what are you talking about?
Sweetie, if we go and fight in court,
they are gonna do an investigation on me.
And there are things you don't know
about me that might come out.
I mean, ugly things. Very ugly things.
Darling, darling, I know all
about your past.
Before I hired you as my nanny,
I had you thoroughly investigated.
-What?
-Yeah. Well, I'm not about to trust
some stranger with my children, am I?
Come on, didn't you--
Didn't you check me out?
I checked you out.
So you see, you have absolutely
nothing to confess.
I know everything about you.
Everything? Even my age?
Actually, that was the one thing
even the FBI couldn't verify.
The closest they could get was 31.
Thirty-one?
Well, I guess the truth is out.
Listen, you guys, we really need to talk
to you about this whole adoption issue.
Yes, we don't want to fight you,
but we will if we have to.
Now, we wanna do what's best
for the children,
and what's best for them
is for all of us to be a family.
Well, if Sara were still here,
we would be.
Calm down, Roberta. They didn't kill her.
Roberta, I don't mean to seem insensitive.
I understand that the kids are
your link to Sara.
But my adopting them is
never going to change that.
Well, I'm sorry.
But I worry that they don't even think
about their mother anymore.
That's not true, grandma.
We think about Mom all the time.
And sometimes when we really miss her,
Fran puts on old videotapes of her
and watches them with us.
And every year on Mom's birthday,
Fran has us light
a yahrzeit candle for her.
-A what?
-It's a Jewish tradition.
It sort of lights the way
to a happy afterlife.
Also in Hebrew tradition,
we're only allowed to light one candle
on Fran's birthday cake.
-But I forget what that means.
-It's in the Torah.
It's very sacred.
Roberta, Ernest...
you'll always be welcome here,
and you'll always be part of our family.
Yes.
Why don't you two join us
and the children for dinner
and we'll continue this conversation?
Listen, Ernie, is there anything
that I can do to get on Bert's good side?
Well, is there a Wiley's Ribs around here?
She's wild for the onion loaf.
Listen, you guys,
I want you to know that I love
these children so very much,
and I promise you
that I am going to provide them
with a warm, loving, and most of all,
stable environment.
What time do you open?
Please, Niles, take pity on her.
She's old, she's lonely,
she's losing her mind.
It's just one night, one dinner.
How's it gonna kill you?
All right.
-But I'm only doing this for you.
-Thank you.
Come on, Babcock,
I'll let you buy me dinner.