The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 20 - The Baby Shower - full transcript

Good afternoon, my beautiful darling.

Good afternoon, my sweet angel.

-So, she's not here?
-No.

I tell you, ever since
she entered her third trimester,

her mood swings have been lethal.

I know, it's worse than
when Sylvia gave up chocolate.

That was the most
unbearable hour of my life.

Here you guys are.

-Are you hiding from me?
-No!

Good, because I have a little surprise
for our new college man.

-It's just so exciting.
-It's just Harvard, Fran.



No, I mean the cake.
The interior is pudding.

My son the Harvard man!

Takes me back to my Eton days.

Takes me back to my eating disorders.

I thought tonight
for a celebratory dinner,

I would make salmon.

No! Those poor salmons,

they spend their whole life
swimming upstream

just to be poached for dinner?

I was going to barbecue.

Mesquite?

With a teriyaki glaze?

That would be perfect
for Brighton's celebratory dinner.

My baby's leaving.



Who put their finger in the cake?

You did!

Well, aren't we a bunch
of moody musketeers.

Well, I better get to work.

But before I go, darling, I just wanted
to tell you, you are beautiful.

You're thin, you're 29,

and the skin on the back of your hand
just snaps right back

like a rubber band
when you pinch it.

Isn't he wonderful?
I love him so much.

And we are so proud of our son
getting into Harvard.

Fran, I've decided
I don't wanna go to college.

Why?

Well, it's just that
I don't want to have tests.

I don't wanna have responsibilities.
I just want a year off.

It's okay, honey.

If you don't wanna go to college,
we're not gonna make you go.

There's plenty of people in my family
that chose not to go to college.

Really?

Yeah, well, it seemed
like the natural choice

after they chose
not to finish high school.

So, you're really cool
with me not going to Harvard?

I'm totally fine.
It's not a problem.

Come sit down, baby.
We're gonna have some cake.

Now, maybe I'll give you the piece
that says "Harvard!"

Hi, Fran.

Bye, Fran.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup,
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

This is gonna last you three weeks.

I just love getting pampered.

I feel like a regular Princess Caroline
in the city.

Excuse me, could you give me
that magazine?

See, my nails are still wet.

B, thanks so much for bringing us.

You know, you can't drive with wet nails.

That is so weird.

I wonder how that happened.

So anyway, Fran,

-I was thinking what we would do--
-What?

No, when we get home,
what we're gonna do is we have to make--

-What?
-So that-- When we-- Fran.

What I said was,
when we get home,

we have to make sure we talk to Dad
about me not going to Harvard.

Honey, what do you think
I'm getting all beautified here for?

I wanna look pretty
when I tell him the horrible news.

You know, I can't run like I used to.

Would you like me to exfoliate you?

Should this be exciting to me?

If you like a woman scraping
dead skin cells off your face.

So she does touch me.

Yeah.

-Fran.
-What?

I leaned on my wet nails
and I got it all over my face.

-Honey. Right.
-I'm so stupid.

You know, next time you gotta remind me.
Use flesh-colored nail polish.

Any of you want your tea leaves read?

-And I had a cup of Sanka.
-I can read that too.

Since when are you a psychic?

Since when do you
need to know my business?

Well, I'm sorry, Libby,

I just didn't know
you were a fortune teller.

Are you calling me a liar?

Could you do my cup?

Yeah, sure.

Never mind, that's raisin bagel.

I am seeing two people very much in love.

-I'm also seeing a very happy marriage.
-To who?

I'm getting an "F".

As in pharmacist?

Val, pharmacist begins with a P, honey.

Yes, but his name is Fred
and that begins with an "F".

Doesn't it?

Val, remember,
when we were at the pharmacy

the other day getting tweezers?

Fred kept staring at you.

And we thought that it was because

-you had that Q-tip stuck in your ear.
-Yeah.

But maybe it was love.

I am also getting
a semi-attached condo villa in Phase Four.

And lots of babies.

You're gonna have sex.

What about me? What about me?

My psychic powers tell me
you already had sex.

-No, do me.
-I don't do diet soda.

-What, am I a quack? Give me your palm.
-Okay.

All right, what have we got here?

I see you very happy
with your three new kids.

No, wait. Make that two.

Things look really good for you.

Uh-oh!

"Uh-oh". What's with the "uh-oh"?

I see your husband with a sexy blond
with great legs.

-I'm gonna go blond?
-It ain't you.

Well, if it ain't me, who is it?

What's my husband doing
with a leggy blond?

With piercing blue eyes.

I'm--

I'm seeing Beverly Hills.
I'm seeing them in bed together.

Their arms wrapped around each other...

Well, don't you see anything good
in this hand?

Your skin snaps back like a rubber band.

Darling, don't be ridiculous.

What does that no-good,
yenta gypsy psychic know?

My future.

She said, Max was gonna have an affair
with a leggy blond.

Oh, my God. You think it's me?

Ma.

I'm sorry, but since I lost the weight,

your husband has been
giving me the eye.

He's just in shock at how big
your head looks now.

Thank you.

Ma, she saw them kissing in Beverly Hills.

We can't move to California.

Although, on the upside,
when you get a divorce in California,

you get half of everything.

Particularly, if he leaves you
for someone who's younger.

-Ma, she didn't say younger.
-What?

He's gonna leave you
for someone older?

Big head.

Darling, you're putting your faith

in a woman who sweeps up hair
at the Chatterbox.

I don't know about that place anymore.

The last time I had my hair done there,

when I got home, I pulled
out the two Reader's Digests

I stuffed in my blouse,
they were from 1994.

I was almost too embarrassed
to put them on my cocktail table.

That story disturbs me on so many levels.

All I'm saying is, you are overreacting

to that shyster Libby and her voodoo.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, she said that Val was going
to get married and there's no way.

Hi, Fran.

-Val.
-The psychic was right, Fran.

You know, Fred the pharmacist.

-Yeah, hi, Fred.
-We're dating.

Hi, Fran Sheffield.
How's your welt? Did it pustulate?

It was a small red mark.

No, it was like an éclair
was sitting in there.

-When did you two start dating?
-Today.

But I loved her
from the first time I saw her.

Standing catty-corner
to the Metamucil display.

You know, the orange-flavored laxatives
you buy, Fran Sheffield.

Ma.

Ma, my life is over.

The psychic was right about Val.

And she's right about me.

Darling, you're not thinking straight.
You're too wound up.

What psychic wouldn't predict
that dumb and dumber

would eventually find each other?

This is one boring-ass baby shower.

Yetta, Fran's baby shower is next week.

I can't believe I missed it.

Can I at least see the baby?

Look at you, walking already.

You're gonna be way too big
for these OshKosh B'gosh.

Niles,

how am I going to figure out
who my husband is leaving me for?

He's not leaving you for--

Why don't you go back to the psychic
and ask for details?

Like a name.

I can't. They fired her.

Do you know that she predicted

$138 would be missing
from the cash register?

What she neglected to predict was
they would search through her purse.

-Why is he straying?
-He's not straying. Believe me.

If he didn't leave when he met
your mother, he ain't going nowhere.

Great news.
Network called

and they decided
to pick up my pilot.

Yeah, they want me to have
the announcement tomorrow

-at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
-Oh, God!

Is that in Beverly Hills?

Sweetheart, don't worry.
I'll only be gone a few days.

Don't leave me!

I'm begging you!
Think of the twins.

The twins.

Darling, I'm not leaving you.

I love you.
I'll call you tonight.

Oh, God. Niles, this is it.

My worst fears are being realized.

He's gonna wind up in the arms
of a sexy blue-eyed blond.

All right, so the psychic
was right about Val.

But you have nothing to worry about.

He's not going to be with some
sexy blue-eyed blond in Beverly Hills.

-He's gonna be with--
-Maxwell, did you get my carry on?

-Miss Babcock.
-Miss Babcock.

I don't understand.
Why would she leave me for him?

What I don't understand is,
why he would leave me for her.

I don't know.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I was finally getting me some
and he took me some away.

You know, I'm sorry.

I mean, I know I am not blond,
but I'm kind of leggy.

Aren't I? I can't see anymore.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I am not going
to take this sitting down.

Well, what are we going to do?
Follow them to California?

Listen to me, listening to you
and this silly psychic.

This is ridiculous.
Your hormones are going crazy.

Your mood swings are all over the place.

Your ankles are so swollen,
you can't even--

Oh, my God, he is going to
leave you for her.

Well, that does it.
We're going to California.

And I'm packing something really cute,
so she'll like me better than him.

I'll take one of his suits.

Gee, do you think that if I find
a really good push-up bra,

I could pass the twins off as cleavage?

Excuse me, I'm Mrs. Maxwell Sheffield.

I lost my key and I need a new one
to get into our room.

Do you have proof that you're his wife?

Hello.

Very subtly look over your left shoulder
and tell me if that's--

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
I'm checking in.

Nails. Nails. Nails.

Hi.

Excuse me, Miss Fran Drescher,
but I am your biggest fan.

Thank you.

My God, you really do talk like that.

Who would make this up?

So I see you're into the flat hair
in real life.

Yeah, it's not for you.

You think it makes me look fat?

You know, the bigger the hair,
the smaller the hips.

She learned that from your show.

Tell me something, what's the butler like?
Is he as funny in person?

I think he steals the whole show.

Can I interject?

I thought you were
so fabulous in My Cousin Vinny.

Where do you keep your Oscar?

At Marisa Tomei's house.

Are you two here on vacation?

No, we're here spying on her husband
who's having an affair with my girlfriend.

We did that very same story this season.

Really? I didn't see that.
When was it on?

Now.

And don't forget to watch
the series finale next week.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Unless, of course, that is the night
I'm having my twins.

Look at him, all by himself.

I feel like such an idiot.

That Niles.

So paranoid.

Honey?

Honey?

What the hell
are you doing in my bed?

What the hell are you doing
in my husband's bed?

I can't believe the psychic was right.

How can he do this to me
after all we've been through--

Meanwhile, where the hell is he?

We switched rooms.
Chester likes a terrace.

Really? Well, where is little Chester?

I left him with Max.

Sometimes that dog
can be a pain in the ass.

Why did you bring him?

Because he's my baby.

This is so weird.

I mean, the psychic told me
that Max was gonna end up in bed

with a sexy, blue-eyed blond
in California.

Your psychic thinks I'm sexy?

Something's wrong here.

I mean, besides the fact
that I just flew 3000 miles

to end up in bed with you.

Nanny Fine, I can understand
how you might not trust me with Maxwell.

I mean, after all,
there were years of unrequited love

and unfulfilled fantasies

and shameless come-ons.

But eventually,
he came to see

that he didn't have
a chance in hell with me.

So, I'm guessing there's only
food left in the mini bar.

Nanny Fine, you have nothing
to worry about.

I found my man and I am
completely and totally

and multiply satisfied.

Really?

That is the joy of being with a man
who lives to serve others, baby.

Somebody needs a waxing.

Let go.

You are not in Hollywood two minutes,
and look at you already.

Would you mind telling me
what the hell

the two of you
are doing in here?

My psychic saw you in Beverly Hills,

in bed wrapped in the arms
of a leggy blue-eyed blond.

-It's me
-It's you.

Oh, thank God.

-Your psychic thinks I'm leggy.
-Get out!

You know, it wouldn't kill you
to clip your toenails.

Hi, honey.
That's a funny coincidence.

I love California.
What do you think of it?

-I find it arid. My hair doesn't--
-You flew 3000 miles

because some silly psychic told you
I was about to have an affair?

Well, she wasn't totally wrong.

You were in bed with a leggy,
blue-eyed blond.

He scrubs my toilets.

I'm sorry, honey.
I know that Libby was wrong.

But if a sexy, blue-eyed,
blond woman did come on to you,

you would tell her
that you're madly in love

with your big, fat, miserable,
moody wife, wouldn't you?

Well, of course, I would.

You'd tell her I was fat?

Well, it's just, you know,

pregnant describes it.
Fat, I don't get.

I'm not fat, technically.

Dad, remember that time in your life,

when you wanted to take some time off
before you went to college?

No.

Well, that's where we differ.

Just what exactly
are you trying to tell me?

That you don't want to go to college?

Yeah.

I think I need to
take some time off

to figure out who I am.

You're Brighton Sheffield,
Harvard freshman.

There, now you know.
See you spring break.

-Dad, I really need to do this.
-Absolutely not!

Come on, Dad,
what did your father say,

when you told him
you wanted to get into theater?

"Absolutely not!"

-And did you listen to him?
-Absolutely not.

But I still went to college.

Yeah, well, I'm not saying
I'm never gonna go.

I just want a year off to travel.
I wanna backpack through Germany.

I wanna see the ancient city of Rome.

I wanna go to Paris and... eat cheese.

How do you propose
to pay for this cheese?

-Well, I can get a job.
-Really?

And how do you propose
to do that

when you don't even
speak the language?

You're gonna do mime
on the streets of Paris?

You see how good I am?
You got it like that.

Oh, my God!

Darling, do you know this?

Do you know your son
isn't going to Harvard?

-No!
-Well, sure you did, Fran.

Come on, sweetie,
let's talk about this.

I know that you're upset.

But listen, he's just a kid.

What do you want him to do,
20 years from now,

look back on this time
with regret?

Yes.

I just don't want him to make a mistake.

But it will be his mistake.

Look, didn't a lot of people say

you were making a mistake
when you hired me?

But that turned out good, didn't it?

It did turn out good, didn't it?

Yes, of course, it did.
Beyond my wildest dreams.

Sweetie, he'll be fine.

He's a smart boy.
He's got a good head on his shoulders.

Would you happen to know
exactly what size that head is?

-Why?
-Well, when he was going to Harvard,

I was gonna show him my support
by buying him a Porsche.

Now, I suppose, I'll have to
buy him one of those berets

with the funny ball on top.

Sweetie.

So tell me, where do you see me,
20 years from now?

I see you with a man in New York.

And this young guy in Paris.

And a jazz saxophonist in Chicago.

That sounds good.

Are you an organ donor?