The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 19 - Maggie's Wedding - full transcript

Val, I am sitting on a secret
for over a week now,

and I cannot tell a living soul.

-Good cake.
-Niles and Miss Babcock

are having an affair.

-With who?
-With each other.

So where are they now?

Well, he was called out of town
for this big family reunion in London

and she said she'd take him
to the airport in the limo,

in the back, because all of a sudden
she was in need

of duty-free L'air Du Temps.

Hello, hello.



-Hi, Miss Babcock.
-Hi, Miss Babcock.

Miss Babcock, did Niles get off okay?

Yes.

Nanny Fine, would you please tell Maxwell
that there's a crack

in the privacy glass of the limo?

It looks to me like someone's heel
went through it.

The limo.

I feel so bad for Miss Babcock.
These are the moments

that you wanna share
with someone close to you.

-Yeah.
-You know, like your mother.

Ma!

Maggie, I have something to tell you.

I got that modeling campaign in Japan.

Congratulations.



What I'm about to say,
your parents aren't gonna like.

But I have to leave
in less than five days

and I can't stand
the thought of us being apart

for a whole year.

So, Maggie...

Will you marry me?

-Yes.
-No.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

This boy just asked my daughter
to marry him.

What do you mean "Yes"?

I'm sorry, sweetie.
I didn't mean to say yes before you.

It's just that it's in my DNA.

I hear a marriage proposal,
I have to accept.

Look, Margaret is entirely too young
to get married.

Why? I was just about her age

when we got married.

Well, all right,
I should have been her age

when we got married.

Excuse me, but this is a very important
moment in my life.

Could we have privacy?

-No.
-Yes.

Fine.

I love you, Michael,
and I would love to marry you.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.
-What's wrong?

Come see the ring my son-in-law,
the Jewish model, gave my daughter.

Oh, my God.

No one's getting married.

You're getting married.

I have never been this thin
in a wedding photo before.

How fast can you do it?

We got five days to plan the wedding.

There is no wedding.

Are ostrich feathers,
politically correct after dark?

-Excuse me.
-Look at that ring.

-We have to get dresses...
-I don't wanna sit next to her cousin...

Excuse me.

I haven't finished here.

Sorry, honey. Keep talking.
We're listening.

-What?
-I think that we should have

a make-your-own Belgian waffle bar.
Is that perfect?

What are you talking about?

There isn't gonna be a wedding.
Will you come back here and discuss this?

Where are you going? Get back here.
I have not finished with this.

What's all the noise about?

I'm marrying your sister.
But actually, Fran said yes,

and your grandmother left with the ring on
and no one's letting your father talk.

Welcome to the mishpachah, bro.

Margaret,
you haven't even been seeing this boy

for a year.

How about a cupid fountain
that pees mimosa?

The Schwartzburgs had that at the bris.
It was very unique.

-I need some air.
-You know that doesn't work. Give it here.

I don't understand.
First you're upset because Michael and I

wanna move in together.
Then you're upset

-because we wanna get married?
-Excuse me.

Val?

I'm a little bit nauseous.

Do you have any soda crackers or anything?

Well, I got some Cap'n Crunch
in the glove compartment.

-Honey, could you get some?
-Listen here, use this.

-I thought you said it didn't work.
-On the window, but it's perfect

to pry open the glove compartment.

How about a caricaturist
for the wedding?

That's so tacky, Ma.
Can we just stick with the cupid peeing?

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see
a box of Cap'n Crunch in here.

No, they're not in a box. They're loose.

Here. Take these.

Now, I've had enough.
I am the head of this household.

And as such, I have a say
in the future of my eldest daughter.

This will not be rushed into.
There will be no wedding.

End of discussion.

You are going to make
such a beautiful bride.

This is a knockoff of the dress
Melissa Rivers almost bought.

Fran, what are we gonna do about Daddy?

He was so upset
when Val dropped him off at the theater.

Sweetie, it's been my experience

with your father that he just needs time
to think about it,

and then he changes his mind.

Fathers are always devastated
when their little girls get married.

But your father was happy.

I said little girls.

-Fran?
-Yeah?

I remember the first time
you brought Maggie in.

You were just the nanny
and I was working here behind the counter.

-Yeah.
-Now you're married,

you got a whole family,

and I work at a doughnut shop,

six blocks closer to the bus stop.

When you wish upon a star.

It's so fancy. Everyone will look at me.

So? They'll think you're a beautiful girl.

I don't know.
I'm not good at this like you are.

Honey, that's what I'm here for.

What do you think?
You turn 14 and boom,

you've got the savoir faire
and sophistication

of a woman of my years and experience?

Look, when I was 14....

Go try it on.

Who knew this job would be so demanding?

Please. I'm exhausted.

Sweetie, what's wrong?

I'm just so happy

that I got married before her.

Sure. Yeah.

Do you think it would take away
from the bride

if I wore this?

Hi, sweetie.

I knew you were upset,

so I made you a little chocolate pudding.

-You made it?
-Well, I made it to Zabar's

before they closed.

Sweetie,

you have no idea how your disapproving
of the wedding upsets Maggie.

I mean, can you imagine
how upset I would be

if my parents disapproved
of me marrying you?

I mean, in a world gone mad.

Yes, but it just doesn't
seem right to me.

I mean, she's not ready.

Well, it seems right to her,

and if you would just stop yelling at her
and try listening to her,

I think that you would know
what it feels like.

I can't. I can't talk to her.

She'll just look at me
with those eyes of hers

and I can't refuse her anything.

Honey...

That's exactly what we're counting on.

Hi, honey. Look who's out here.

Sweetie, why don't you sit down,
talk to your father,

and I'm gonna go check on dinner.

Gracie, how's it coming?

Daddy, I know you're upset.

But I don't think you really understand
how Michael and I feel about each other.

Sweetheart, how can you be sure?
You haven't known him long enough.

Didn't you know
the moment you saw Fran?

Yes, but we both wanted to wait
the proper amount of time.

Fran wanted to wait?

Dad, why wait when you know?

I mean,

it's like when you read a script and you
just know that it's gonna be a hit.

I mean, except for when you passed on Cats

-because that was kind of--
-Yes, yes. All right, no need to rehash.

Well, Daddy, can't you see
that Michael is my Cats?

Please, just don't let me
pass on this one.

You're really in love, aren't you?

So much.

You know I love you too, Daddy.

And I love you, sweetheart.

And you're going to make
a beautiful bride.

Thank you for inviting me
to your wedding, Maggie.

Yetta, I'm...

Did you hear about Miss Babcock
and the male maid?

-What are you talking about?
-Well,

Frannie and her husband
walked in on them

when they were doing the horizontal hora.

Where? Kitchen, closet, stairway, limo?

Walmart?

Walmart?

Well, if they dig the danger
of getting caught,

they should try the aluminum sheds
at Home Depot.

Fran, everything looks so beautiful.

It's exactly how I pictured it.

Sweetie, remember all those times
you'd come down these stairs,

holding the flowers from the foyer,

making believe you were a bride?

That was you, Fran.

Niles. They saw us.

No. No. No.

No, what does it matter where?

The important thing is when you get back,

I need to pick up something at Home Depot.

Honey, that's Michael.

You can't let him see you before
the wedding, it's bad luck.

-Go put some makeup on.
-It's on.

Put some more on.
You're taking pictures with my family.

You're gonna disappear next
to the cast of Ringling Brothers.

-Hi, sweetie.
-Hey.

Let me take your coat. Come on in.

Hello, Dad.

Hello, son-who's-taking-my-daughter-away.

I just wanna let you know
that I love your daughter very much.

And I am gonna take such good care of her.

I'm sure you will.

I've always dreamt of having
my daughter marry an underpants model.

"Mr. and Mrs. Brolin."

Yeah, it's my cousin James.

James Brolin?

Boy, if his wife's name is Barbra,
they can really have fun with that.

His wife's name is Barbra.

Do they really have fun with that?

I don't know, they just got married.

-In July?
-Yeah.

-In Malibu, California?
-Yeah.

Were her photos in People?

-And they're coming here?
-In, like, ten minutes.

They wanted to get here early,
'cause they have to leave early.

She's got a 9:00 flight.

Oh, my God.

My daughter is marrying a boy
whose cousin is married to Barbra.

My dreams are finally coming true.

I'm going to be a Streisand.

Maxwell.

-Maxwell.
-What, darling?

Barbra Streisand is coming
to my house, and...

-And....
-And what, darling?

I think I'm going into labor.

What? Oh, my God.

Someone, pack a suitcase.
Quick. It's time.

Sweetheart,
we have to get you to the hospital.

No. No. The pain is not that...

Bad.

No, darling, we're going to the hospital.

-No. No. I don't wanna go.
-Come on.

I don't wanna go.

I'll have them over here. It'll be fine.

Please. Honey, not today.

Barbra's married to Dr. Kiley
from Marcus Welby.

He'll know what to do.

All right, I got her makeup bag,
but someone else is gonna

have to get her clothes.

Yetta, would you let everyone know
that Fran's doing just fine.

The doctor is in with her right now.
It turns out it was a false alarm.

Fran.

She's pregnant.

Yes, well, of course I'm the father.

Well, because I just know, that's how.

Yetta, would you put someone else
on the phone, please?

Mrs. Sheffield,
it seems you had some unusually strong

Braxton Hicks contractions.

It's very common for women
over 35 under stress.

Have you been stressed
about anything recently?

You mean, besides the fact
that you think I'm over 35?

Nothing to worry about.
You're in no danger.

-But you do seem a little agitated.
-Yeah, well, you would be too

if Barbra Streisand was at your house
at this very moment

and had to leave in less than two hours.

Who?

-Oh, my God!
-Darling, darling, what is it?

He does not know who Barbra Streisand is.

Sweetheart, I've just spoken
to your mother.

The guests are gonna
enjoy their dinner,

but we're gonna postpone
the ceremony until tomorrow.

What... What about Barbra?
What about Barbra?

She's enjoying herself thoroughly.
She's singing.

Barbra Streisand is singing
in my house?

Mrs. Sheffield, I'm sorry,
but you've got to remain here overnight.

But you said that I wasn't in any danger.

I want to play it safe.
I'd prefer if you just stay off your feet.

The doctor's absolutely right, sweetheart.

What you need is a calming environment.

What could be more calming

than Streisand singing Evergreen?

Evergreen. That's Barbra Streisand.

My uncle's her dentist in California.
I've met her.

Oh, my God!
It's six degrees of aggravation.

Okay, he's gone.

-Get my dress, get my purse.
-No. Darling, darling, no, no, no.

I want you in that bed.

You know, honey,

if you said that ordinarily,
it would be a big turn-on.

But right now, get out of my way.

Sweetheart, you'll just have
to see Barbra another time.

Come on. You've waited this long.

What you need right now is
to stay calm and not get overexcited.

-But, honey--
-No buts. I want you to stay in that bed.

-But, Max--
-Do you understand me?

Yes.

And you know I'm right?

-Yes.
-Yes.

I'm sorry, honey.
I know that I'm acting childish.

I'll spend the night here,
like they want me to.

And I'll be right here by your side.

Sweetie, I love you.
You're such a good husband.

You're so busy taking care of me.

Meanwhile, when was the last time
you even ate?

I don't know.
I had some breakfast this morning.

Matter of fact, I'm a little peckish.
Why don't I pop out

-and bring us both back some dinner?
-Okay.

-What are you in the mood for?
-Whatever you're in the mood for.

-Well, I could go for a burger.
-Really?

You couldn't go for Chinese?

I could go for Chinese.

You too?

-I'll be right back.
-Okay.

I love you.

You're the best husband
in the whole wide world.

But I'm a person who needs People.

And in about 10 minutes,

I am going to be one
of the luckiest people

in the world.

Hello, gorgeous.

Barbra?

Barbra?

Barbra, can you hear me?

-Hello, hello?
-Sweetheart?

Hi, honey.

Are you mad at me because I ran out?

Not half as mad
as you're gonna be with yourself.

Why?

Because when I called home,
I arranged a little surprise for you.

Even our piano in the parlor

Daddy bought for 10 cents on the dollar

Everyone knows that
I'm just secondhand Rose

From...

And do you, Maggie, take Michael
to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Niles, I really wish you could be here.
You should see how beautiful Maggie looks.

Yes, everybody is using the coasters.

Here's Miss Babcock.

Normally, at this point in the ceremony,

I like to say a few words
about the couple embarking on their life.

But I think the sentiments,
were best expressed by Barbra,

who just last night stood right here

and sang What Are You Doing
the Rest of Your Life?

She sang that, too?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Wasn't it beautiful, Mama?

-Beautiful.
-Yes.

Is Barbra's voice as flawless in person?

Well, actually, it was a little tired
after singing the score of Funny Girl

and six new songs from her next album.

-I'm so glad that I'm pregnant.
-Why?

It's the only thing
that's keeping me from killing myself.

Val, I am sitting on such a huge secret
for over a week now.

But I cannot tell a living soul.

Good cake.

Val--

-Good cake.
-Niles and Miss Babcock

are having an affair.

-With who?
-With each other.

I don't know...

When are they seeing?
When are they...

Oh, God.