The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Yummy Mummy - full transcript

Okay, Fran, everything looks normal.

Now, I want you to know
that in this stage of the pregnancy,

it's perfectly normal
to experience an increase

in constipation, flatulence or mucus.

Ginger snap?

Dr. Reynolds,
I'm concerned about one thing.

When exactly would be the right time
for us to stop having sexual relations?

I'd say when the flatulence kicks in.

And Doctor, is there anything special
we should or shouldn't be doing right now?

Well, I often encourage my patients
to begin the bonding process

by talking to the baby.



Right. Well...

Hello, fetus. When you're ready
come out and meet us.

I don't think I could beat that, honey.

Well, you know, hearing Mommy's voice
can be very soothing to the baby.

-Did you hear that?
-Just enough.

We don't want him to hang himself
with the umbilical cord.

Now, the sonogram is going to tell us
the sex of the baby. Do you want to know?

-Yes.
-No.

-Honey.
-Darling, don't you wanna be surprised?

It's the wondering and the suspense.
That's what's so exciting.

You know, I did the whole wondering
and the suspense thing,

when I was waiting for you to propose.

I didn't care for it.

Doc, you know, I'm a little nervous.
How big do you think I'm gonna get?



Well, it's genetic.

Generally, your mother
is a good indication

of the size you'll be.

Yeah, well, we just solved the problem
of when we're gonna stop having sex.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

So, Fran, what do you want,
a boy or a girl?

I don't care, Val.
Just as long as it's healthy.

And it can wear that adorable dress.

Well, what if it's a boy?

He'll just have to
work it out in therapy,

because he's wearing that dress.

Now, do you think this sundress
would look good on me in green?

Val, those are baby clothes.
They don't come in your size.

Sure they do. It says size 9
in the color moss.

Nine MOS means 9 months, sweetie.

Well, forget it.
Summer will be over by then.

Val, I'm so nervous. In two weeks
I'm gonna take the sonogram,

and then I'm gonna know
whether it's a boy or a girl.

God willing it should only be healthy.

Do you know what I do when I have
too many things weighing on my mind?

What?

I visualize a tiny housekeeper

walking in my ear
and cleaning out my whole brain.

I'd cut her back to once a week, Val.

So Dad's trusted me
to go check out colleges all by myself.

Now, as I recall, he never left your side
when you went. Interesting.

Yeah, that's because he's not
the slightest bit worried,

that a college student
is gonna jump your bones.

Yeah, that's right.
Ain't gonna happen. Yeah.

Come here and show Val

-your Harvard brochure.
-There you go.

I remember how difficult it was
choosing a college.

Fran, you went to beauty school.

College, sweetie. Beauty College.

You know, Fran, maybe you should go
with Brighton on all these college tours.

Yeah, you know what,
it would take your mind off your worries.

That's a fantastic idea, Val.

My mother's coming with me to colleges.
How happy am I?

You don't have to tell me.

Look at his face. He's crying.

Honey.

I decided to go check out some colleges
with Brighton.

You don't care if I'm away this weekend,
do you?

-No, darling, of course not.
-Good.

You go right ahead. Why don't you
make a long weekend of it?

-Good.
-You work too hard.

Who's coming
that you don't want me to meet?

Darling. For heaven's sakes.
We're married now.

I don't need to continue the...
Lynn Redgrave.

I must meet her. You know, she did all
of those Weight Watchers commercials.

Which means she probably
knows Fergie, who knows the queen,

who knows the President,
who hangs out with Barbra.

I am this close.

It's settled. You're going to Harvard.

Yeah, and she's 29. Let's just lump
all those little delusions together.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

why must I look like Charles de Gaulle?

I don't have time for you.
I'm being taken out tonight.

Well, in that case, I'll open the drapes
and give the gunman a cleaner shot.

Colin, darling, I'll be right with you.
Just fixing my face.

Don't bother, angel.

If Earl Scheib couldn't knock
those dents out, I doubt you can.

You.

He can go on like that all night.

Yeah? Well, when your clothes come off,
the insults just write themselves.

Man, look at the famous people
that went to Harvard.

I mean, you got John Kennedy,
Ralph Nader, T.S. Eliot.

Who's Fred Gwynne?

Hello? Herman Munster.

I just hope they let you into this school.

-Hello. Hi. I'm Fran Sheffield.
-A pleasure to meet you. I'm Dean Sterett.

Do you know that you are the fourth man
named Dean that I've met today?

I happen to be the chair of my department.

Do you do Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves?

Check it out. Now that is pure honey.

Who, the blonde? Yeah, she's a hottie.

No. The brunette.

Dean. You mind if I call you
by your first name?

I just gotta tell you that,

well, my son Brighton is very interested
in coming to Harvard.

Well, best of luck. Only students
of the highest caliber are admitted.

Not to worry. I'll tell you,
as far as being a Harvard man goes,

my little B is the one.

He has been senior class treasurer,

he's got great grades,
and everybody loves him.

I told you to shut up about her!

Plus, you know, his father is willing
to donate a big stadium.

Ma, I'm gonna go crazy
waiting two weeks

before I know if it's a boy or a girl.

I don't know how you waited nine months.

Well, we had our way of knowing.

If you carried high and in front,
it was a boy.

If you carried low
and your tuchus hit the floor,

you were a Fine.

So, meanwhile, how was Harvard?

Terrible. He got into a big fight.
He didn't tell me anything about it.

He's been acting so weird.

You know, when I used to ask you
personal stuff at his age

-you'd never tell me anything either.
-Well, what did you do?

Nothing. I really wasn't that interested.

You know, maybe all this college stuff
is making him scared.

I was a little anxious
about going to college myself.

Darling, you went to beauty school.

We carried books, we had pep rallies.
It was college.

All I'm saying is the boy
has never lived away from home.

Remember how scared you got
just before you went to summer camp?

That wasn't camp, Ma.
It was Aunt Miriam's trailer in Scranton.

It had a playground.

It was a sandbox.

-You used it.
-So did her cats.

-Hey, Fran, I need to talk to you.
-Okay, sweetie.

I don't wanna hurt your feelings,

but I don't want you coming
to schools with me anymore.

Okay, B. You didn't hurt my feelings.

God, Fran, you're not gonna cry, are you?

I don't know where else to go
with this face.

It's just,
the guy said something about you.

Is that what the fight was all about?
What did they say?

I don't wanna talk about it.
It's embarrassing. Okay?

God. I embarrassed my son.
What could I have done?

Well, let's see. Nanny Fine at Harvard.

The crème de la crème conversing
with the cream de la rinse.

My guess is you said something stupid.

Maybe she's right.
Maybe that is what the boys were saying.

I embarrassed my son
because I'm not smart.

Oh, my God.

He was embarrassed by his mother,
just like I was by--

I think I lost a grape in here.

Fran, here are the encyclopedias
you wanted.

Encyclopedia Britannica.

I was really thinking
about American information.

How come you're reading
all these reference books?

You know, I'm just trying
to brush up on my education.

Did you know you that you can swim
the English Channel

but you cannot climb the Berlin Wall?

That's because they tore it down
when I was 4.

What?

Fran, these books were published
in the '70s.

Well, that explains
the Keep on Truckin' bookmark.

Oh, well, what's the use anyway?

That must be the almanac
that I ordered. You know, go.

Tell them that we don't want any.
We appreciate it.

Thanks but no thanks, don't come back.

Hello, I'm Lynn Redgrave.

Thank you very much
but we're not interested.

We've changed our mind. Don't come back.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, Miss Redgrave,
please, come in.

You know, she just has no idea
who you are.

I never get tired of hearing that.

I'm sorry, I'm a little early.
I do hope Maxwell won't mind.

No, he'll be out any minute.

I'm his wife, Fran,
and one of your biggest fans.

-Really?
-Please, sit down.

Now, you know, I love that movie.
Every Little Crook and Nanny.

Tell me, did you do a lot of research?

You know, follow around a nanny,
take notes?

Please, how hard is it
to pretend to be a nanny?

Not hard at all.

I'm so sorry about all the mess.

You see, I went away this weekend
with my son to Harvard,

because well, I wanted to,
you know, get away from my worries.

But I'll tell you, I made a big mess
out of everything.

And I embarrassed him.

Because I'm stupid.

It's all right. It'll be all right.
I'm sure it will.

-Would you autograph this for me, please?
-All right.

I mean, you know, for a child
to be embarrassed of their mother,

it's just killing me.

Could you rewrite the "Fran"?
It looks like "Pran."

Look, you know, if Maxwell is busy,
I mean, I could come back another time.

Did I say I loved you
in the remake of Baby Jane?

Just rest your head on Lynnie's shoulder.

Miss Redgrave, please, maybe
you can teach me something. I mean,

you're so classy and sophisticated
and intelligent.

Did you think I was better
than Bette Davis?

Who?

Come on, let's schmooze.

Niles?

Niles, what's wrong?

I hate Miss Babcock's boyfriend, Colin.

But don't worry, I'm a professional.
I won't let it interfere with my work.

Okay then.

Don't you want to know why I hate Colon?

Colin.

Looks more like a colon to me.

Oh, my God, Niles, I think you're jealous.

You have feelings for Miss Babcock,
don't you?

Well, why don't you just come out
and tell her?

Well, I mean, isn't it obvious?

What do I have to do?
Hit the woman over the head?

Actually, I've done that.

I'm useless, sir. I've no reason to live.
Just fire me.

Don't be ridiculous. Why would I fire you?

Because I just remembered Lynn Redgrave

arrived an hour ago
and I forgot to tell you.

You see, now you've got a reason to live.

Because you've got
to start looking for a new job.

You know, darling,
I could try to teach you,

but class is really something
you're born with.

Whiz me.

Thank you.

The other good trick
is that you start quoting

from your favorite authors,

-Joyce, Kafka, Hemingway--
-Seuss.

Fran, I don't believe I know him.

You'd love him. Yes, you will.

You can read him on a yacht,
you can read him on a hill.

He's very big with rhyming.
Pre-Nipsey Russell.

-Lynn, you're here.
-Hi, honey. We were just--

Finishing. Lynn, why don't we step
into my office.

We'll talk about the contract, shall we?

Miss Redgrave, Lynnie, what can I say?

How can I ever thank you?

Did you take my cheese?

Just one other little thing.

When a guest borrows the cheese,
don't ask for it back.

It's not classy.

-What the devil were you doing with her?
-Nothing, she was just giving me

a crash-course
in how to sound intelligent.

You know, Brighton doesn't want me
going to Yale because...

He's just ashamed that I'm not smart.

That's ridiculous.

No, it's not. And what if the new baby
is embarrassed by me, too?

You are smart.

Look, when I have a problem,
who's the first person I run to?

Niles.

Well, when Niles is out?

-Then you come to me.
-Well, of course I do.

You have the kind of smarts
no school could teach.

You're intuitive, you're insightful.

Well, who could possibly
be ashamed of you?

Don't come in here.

All right, it's time I got something
out of my system, Miss Babcock.

No, no, that's too formal. C.C.

Look, I've known you since
you were a little calf.

All right. It's time
I got something out in the open.

-I think it's time you knew--
-Will you spit it out?

Colin just dumped me,
and I have an anonymous phone call

to make to the IRS.

So you're not seeing him anymore?

No. Now what is it you want
to get out in the open?

You. All animals should run free.

That isn't what you were going to say.

And why are you holding those flowers?

I thought you'd like a snack.

You're wearing your fancy pants.

-Niles has a crush on someone.
-Do not.

Niles and his girlfriend,
sitting in a tree, D-U-S-T-I-N-G.

All right, who is it?

Her.

Just go with me on this
and pretend you're my girlfriend.

Are you mad?

I loved you in Georgy Girl.

Rest your head on Lynnie's shoulder.

Now, come on, B,
you can't keep avoiding me.

We're going to have to discuss this.

Look, I know what you're going through.

I had my mother come to school once,

and the kids said the same thing
about her that your friend said about me.

I find that hard to believe.

They said she was actually hot and sexy?

No, they said they never saw
a back with cleavage.

What are you talking about hot and sexy?

Well, that would be the G-rated version
of what the guys were saying.

So that's what the fight was about?
That I'm sexy?

-Which boys?
-Fran...

Come on, let me enjoy this. In a couple
of months, I'm going to look like Shamu.

I can't believe I wasted two hours trying
to smarten up with that Lynn Redgrave.

She's a cheese thief, you know.

Wait, what do you mean, smarten up?

Well, I thought that you didn't want me
going to Yale

because you were ashamed of me
because you thought I was stupid.

What gave you that idea?

Her!

You know, Miss Babcock,
for your information,

I just found out I'm not stupid, I'm sexy.

Nanny Fine, don't sell yourself short.
You're both.

Well, I am smart enough to know
I have just been insulted,

and sexy enough not to care.

This is so exciting! We're going to see
the first pictures of our baby!

Stand up straight,
and if you're a girl, arch your back.

Look at that. He's got my nose.

Actually, that's your reflection.
I haven't turned the screen on yet.

Now, before we start, do you want to know
if it's a boy or girl?

Yes. My wife decided I want to know.

Okay, let's fire up the baby finder.

-Gracious me, what do we have here?
-What? What?

Fran, I see four feet!

Four feet?

Oh, my God, how am I ever going
to catch him when he's bad?

No, Fran, no, I mean twins.

-Twins.
-Twins? Are you sure, Doctor?

Absolutely. I'm never wrong.

Oh, my God, look, I can see one of them!

Look how fast they're developing!

-Oh, my God!
-Look at all those fingers!

Do you see the size of that thumb?

You know, I don't think
that's his thumb, babe.

That's my boy.

And it looks like he has a little sister.

-A girl.
-Or not so little.

Looks like we have
a little chubbette here.

And that's my girl.

Fran. Fran.

Doctor, I think
she's just a little surprised.

I can't believe it.

We're going to have a little boy
and a little girl.

Plus the three we already have.

What am I going to do with five kids?

Hello world, hear the song we're singing
Come on, get happy

We had a dream
We'd go traveling together

We'd spread a little love
And then we'd keep moving' on

Travelin' along
There's a song that we're singing

Come on, get happy
We'll make you happy