The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Fran in the Mirror - full transcript

This is so exciting.

Grace is applying to the Eastside School
for the Gifted?

You know, you won't be the first member
of the Fine family to attend.

Your Aunt Celia spent three years there.

Ma, she worked in the lunch room.

And she got fired
for giving free lunches

to a lady who tried to pass herself off
as an eighth grader.

Meanwhile, with my little pigtails
and my little plaid skirt,

I was adorable.

You know, Sylvia, tomorrow we're having
the headmistress of the school over

for a fancy-schmancy
Music Appreciation Day.



Fran's trying to schmooze her
because she's a big macher.

And now that she's bilingual,
we'll slide right in.

What time are you gonna start?

Because I could stop by
on my way to the beauty parlor.

No, Ma, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Why?

Well, because A, they would meet you...

And B, they would meet you before
you went to the beauty parlor.

Meanwhile, if you wanna get Grace in,
you should give a big, generous donation.

Your Uncle Louie has a garage full
of illegal cable boxes.

Oh, well, I can always a join a gang.

Darling, you'll never guess
who I bumped into.

Remember my old friend Rodney Pembrook?
All those zany stories I used to recount?

The recounting we did.



You have no idea who I'm talking about,
do you?

Not a clue.

I'm sorry, honey. I only really started
paying attention after you proposed.

Come on, we went to Oxford together.
We were like brothers.

He comes from one of
the wealthiest families in London.

Is he single? Because your sister is
not that happy with her husband lately.

We're both married
and she's still trying to trade up.

Niles, guess what?
We're gonna have company.

Thirty years and he still thinks
company excites me.

Yes, Rodney Pembrook from Oxford.
Oh, my God.

Do you remember that New Year's Eve,
freshman year,

we were sick all over the room

and then some idiot forgot
to turn the bathtub off

and flooded the place?

I think that was you, wasn't it?

No, but you remember when you woke up
and it was all spotless again?

That was me.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

I think we're really making
a good impression on the headmistress.

Wait till she hears me sing
Don't Rain On My Parade.

Mrs. Sheffield,

where I have seen this pianist before?

Do I know him from the recital hall
at Juilliard?

No. The atrium at Macy's.

You know, Mrs. Sheffield,
I'm very curious

about your background and education.
We haven't discussed it.

You know, I had wonderful experiences
at private school,

and some of my fondest memories were
with my classmates.

Who?

Tootie, Blair and Natalie.

You know, Grace's father is
from England,

and he went to private school
as well.

Yes, I'm looking forward
to meeting your husband.

Where's my little coochy-coo?

Hey, sexy, come on.
Move those beautiful legs over here

and come say hello to Rodney.

Pardon, doll.

Honey, honey.

You're interrupting my "Mother-Daughter
We Got Culture in this House" Day.

What's that? Rodney, come on in here,
you ugly bum.

Come on in, you madman.

Maxwell, she's breathtaking.

How the devil could you have waited
five years to propose to her,

you perfect fool?

Thank you, Rodney.

And she does funny voices.

Darling, darling. You'll never guess
what this crazy lunatic did at the club.

He ordered us a bottle of white wine,

-then switched to red wine...
-Right.

And ordered fish!

You outlaws, you.

Butch, why don't you take Sundance
and get some coffee in the kitchen?

Have Niles bring it to the office.

Rodney's gonna let me into
a very hush-hush deal he's got going.

Everything this chap touches turns to gold.

How do you do?

Excuse me. It's okay.
You know the British.

They're so warm and cuddly.

I know. Why don't I just ring
for the butler to replenish us?

Sweet Lordy-Lord, my ship has come in.

Niles, would you mind getting us some tea?

It turns out, I had an uncle who died.

But wait, it gets better.
I've inherited a royal title. I'm rich.

That's so exciting.
Did you get the check yet?

-No.
-Then get the tea.

You know, Sylvia, why don't you
just take the magazine home?

That's not courteous.

Ma, what are you doing here?

You know, just once I'd like you to say,
"Hello. How are you? What's new?"

What's gonna be new since this morning
when you were here eating breakfast?

I since had a nectarine.

So, did she get into the school?

Well, it was only our second interview

and the teacher dropped a word that
I didn't understand. Which one was that?

"Curriculum."

She said it was broad-based,
and you said, "What do the boys study?"

Yeah, right.

But, you know,
I really think I impressed her

when I told her that we were related
to Larry Fine.

Larry Fine of The Three Stooges?

Now, you see, and you thought no one knew.

Is he the funny-looking one
with the kinky hair,

-who always acts like a moron?
-Yeah.

We're not related to him.

Yeah, but Ma, we so easily could be.

You know, I didn't get into that school.
What makes you think you will?

Because I study, I write well,
and I've maintained a 4.0 grade average.

Okay, but if I have the choice between
being smart and being good-looking--

You'd pick either?

Niles.

The minute you arrive,
you tell that theater owner

he'd better not jack up the rent
or he'll have to deal with me.

C.C., there's no need to frighten the man.

-Where are you going?
-Darling, I have to go to London

-for an emergency meeting.
-What?

I'm sorry, but I'm going on the Concorde,
so I'll be back tomorrow night. Niles!

No, no, I'm not sending you
any more money, so stop calling me.

If Mommy calls again, I'm not here.

Well, if it isn't Jane Austen Powers.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

Being called "sir" is new to me.

You're used to it.

Well, Niles, I'm very happy
about your newfound title.

It must be quite a check.
Come on, let's see it.

Well, it hasn't come yet.

In that case, go upstairs
and pack my bags, would you?

Okay. But you'd better watch
because after my check arrives,

I'll be loaded.

Again, just like you.

Niles, I had to let Rodney in.

Good, because that will probably be
your job now.

-Niles.
-Sir.

Good Lord, the last time I saw you
we were all pheasant hunting.

Somebody bagged a bird
with the very first shot.

That was you.

No. But remember the next night
when it was so delicious under glass

with the little red potatoes? That was me.

Anyway, if you want some food,
the kitchen's that way.

If you want a drink, follow him.

Hello. C.C. Babcock,
Maxwell's business partner.

It's a pleasure.

Whatever happened to that plump
brunette he partnered with after college?

I have no idea.

-Hi, Rodney.
-Fran, hello.

Max left for London
without giving me his investments,

and I've got a 5:00 deadline.

-Can you write me a check?
-No. No.

-She cannot.
-Why not?

-You're his wife, aren't you?
-Yes, Rodney.

Yes, I am.

Yes, but I am his business partner,
and I am in charge of the money.

Yes, but this is a private investment
made by Max and myself.

Well, I am in charge of that too,
because you're stupid.

Now, Miss Babcock,
my husband wants in on this deal,

and I'm just doing what he would want.
How much do you need?

An even million was the figure
we discussed.

One million? Give me that checkbook!

Over my dead body.
Look, Rodney's checking out your tush.

Really?

-How many zeroes in a mil?
-Six.

Look at that. When you put the smiley
faces in, it looks like the Osmond family.

-Mrs. Fran Sheffield.
-Well, sign away,

because it's the last time
you'll use that name.

Thank you, Fran.
You've just made the deal of a lifetime.

Well, you are welcome, sir.

Fran, Jocelyn's here.
And do you have any idea

why Niles would want me
to make him a sandwich?

They made him a lord or something.
Just humor him, humor him.

So good to see you. Let's have lunch.

God, I could really go for that Rodney.

Well, why don't you?
He's handsome, he's single.

-He's broke.
-What?

Darling, everyone in England knows
he's penniless.

He's gone through his money
and everyone else's.

He must be over here
looking for new victims.

Maxwell's gonna fire you
when he hears you let me write that check.

Nanny Fine,
maybe you misunderstood the bank.

How? They said Rodney already wired
the money to Switzerland

and it was too late to stop the check.

I know. I just wanted to hear it again.

Cheer up, Nanny Fine.

Whenever I'm depressed,

I think about people
who are worse off than myself.

And then I visit them.

Hey, Val. How you enjoying
your first day of work?

I can't talk.

I'm not supposed to have
non-doughnut-related conversations.

What's with the hair?

It's my marketing strategy.

See, I wear it like cinnamon buns,
and hence, I sell more.

Can I have another cinnamon bun?

Here's to you, Nanny Fine.

It was just a matter of time
before you screwed up with Maxwell.

I know.

Well, look on the bright side.
Maybe you can live with one of the kids.

Because when I move in,
they're out of there.

Why am I such a loser?

You got cocky.

That'll bring you down every time.

Fran, there has got to be a way
to get that money back.

How, Val? He already converted
the million bucks into francs.

Once you convert it into hot dogs, well...

It's very hard to trace.

Loosen your cinnamon buns, would you?

Fran, this isn't like you.
I've never seen you defeated.

Why don't you just go to that Rodney guy
and demand your money back?

Yeah, you go do that.

Take your financial advice
from E.F. Muffin.

Val, you are right.

This isn't me, accepting doom,
drowning my sorrows in jelly.

No. I push this doughnut away.

I am going to go to Rodney
and demand that he give us our money back.

And if all else fails,
see if you can get me a job here,

because I could do
a gorgeous French cruller.

Good luck, Nanny Fine.
You'll get that check.

Excuse me.

N.Y.P.D.

Why so blue?

-Fran. Come in.
-Hi.

What a surprise.

Can I get you anything?

I don't know. Maybe a cracker, some Gouda,

a million bucks?

What are you saying?
You want your money back?

Yes.

And the cracker and the Gouda.

Well, what happened?
I mean, a few hours ago

you thought
you were making a good investment.

Well, that was before
I knew you were broke

and then I started to think,
"Maybe it's not such a good investment."

Look, Fran, if you're uncomfortable
investing with me,

I'll write you a check right now.

I'm uncomfortable.

Fran, you've gotta believe me,

this was a good investment.

I'd never steer Maxwell wrong.
He's like a brother to me.

Well, then why did you lie to him?
And why did you pretend to still be rich?

Because I made one bad investment
and everyone lost faith.

I mean, why are you here?

Because you found out I was broke
and thought I was a bad risk, right?

Yeah, well, maybe.

See, you have money. You don't know
what it's like to be an underdog.

Please, are you kidding me?

I was an underdog
before Underdog had his own series.

You know what it boils down to, Fran?

I needed a break.

And I knew if Max invested with me,
everyone else would follow.

But I swear to you,
I would never do anything to hurt him.

I just needed a second chance.

Well...

So, is there anything else I can get you?

That Gouda's probably softening up by now.

Would you settle for a cinnamon bun?
I don't even care for them.

But I bought a dozen.

What to do?
I wanna give the guy a break,

but he lied to me.

And you have never lied
Miss "I Went to a Private School

and I'm Related to the Stooges"?

Well, that was different.

I was just trying to get Gracie
into a good school.

And maybe he just wanted
to get his life back on track.

You know, you both pretended
to be something that you're not.

By the way,
that lipstick is way too blue for us.

Maybe you've got a point.
Maybe I should just give the guy a break.

I mean, everyone deserves a second chance.

If you do this, I'll give you a present.

Really? What?

How would you like to see what you're
going to look like in 30 years?

You can do that?

Watch me.

Oh, my God.

-Hi.
-Nanny Fine, how did it go?

Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.

Rodney said, "I'll give you the money,
but you'll miss great investment."

And you said, "Keep the million bucks.
I believe in you."

Yes.

-Hello, sweetheart.
-Hi, hi.

-Hi.
-It's good to be home.

Maxwell, Nanny Fine has
a million things to tell you.

Well, I've got something to tell you,
sweetheart.

Rodney is flat broke.

Really?

I heard all about him in London.

Appears he's up to his neck in hock.

Thank goodness I left
before I invested any money with him.

So, what do you wanna tell me,
sweetheart?

Well, Rodney came over to the house,

and I wrote him out a check
for the million dollars

that you just said
you were glad you never gave him.

And...

And the worst part of it is...

He offered to give it back to me,
and I still didn't take it.

No, sweetheart,
actually, the worst part of it is

that that door doesn't lock
from your side.

Okay. Bye.

Well, I decided to go with my instincts.
You know, follow my heart.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong
when you--

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

I don't know
how you could have trusted that thief.

It's a good thing the money
doesn't mean that much to you.

Let me try to put this to you
in a language you could understand.

Okay.

Do you have any idea
how much $1 million is?

About 400,000 cartons of Häagen-Dazs.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Max, Fran.

Where the hell is everything?

Back where it belongs.
It's amazing what you can rent.

Listen to me, Rodney.
You owe my wife and me an explanation.

Yeah.

Actually, Maxwell,
I owe your wife a big thanks.

Once everybody heard you'd invested,
the money poured in,

and the deal went down without a hitch.

You, my old-school friend,
have just made yourself 500,000.

-I did?
-Yes. Come on.

We'll call your broker.

From the kitchen,
before they switch the phone off.

You're pretty happy with yourself,
aren't you?

You know, all's well that ends well.

Just goes to show,
you gotta be yourself in this world.

Meanwhile, when are you gonna start
being yourself

with that private school lady?

Would you stop already with that?

God, has anyone ever told you
you're annoying?

Just my voice.

You know, if you're so concerned,

why don't you set things straight
with the private school lady?

Well, I can't. But if you don't,

I can show your husband
what you're gonna look like in 30 years.

And I'm not related to a stooge.

And I don't personally know Tootie.

And the crab I served at the party,
was "krab" with a K.

But that pianist really was from Macy's.

Well, I appreciate your candor,

but unfortunately the committee has
decided not to accept Grace.

We're giving her spot
to an underprivileged child from Queens.

But I'm from Queens. I'm a total schlub.
I have no class.

Please take my kid.

I know you're classless, dear,

but Grace is still
Maxwell Sheffield's daughter,

and the school has too many children
from privileged backgrounds.

So are you saying
that it's Maxwell's fault

that our daughter isn't getting
into the school of her dreams?

I feel so much better.

Chocolate?

Worthless.

How could I inherit
an estate that's worthless?

I can't even claim the title,
there's so many damn lawsuits against it.

Yeah, well, what about me?
I already hired six bridesmaids.

And the worst part, I maxed out
all my credit cards on a new wardrobe.

It'll take years to pay them off.

Niles, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but your break's over.