The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Ex-Niles - full transcript

Well, it's been five days,
and I haven't lost a single pound

on this damn liquid diet.

Maybe because it's gin.

Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that
and stay so thin?

I have a very fast metabolism.

Every time I think about how old I am

and the fact that I'm still single,

my heart starts racing.

Niles, were you listening in
on the terrace

when I had my meeting
with that accountant?

I most certainly was not.



Good, because I just had
the French doors painted.

Well, I'll warn the children.

Good God, man.

Is it so bloody important
for you to know how much I'm worth?

Niles, you have paint on you.

So do you.

Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning.

Honestly, keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock job.

I hardly have time to skulk about.

Niles, it's the Spy Shop.
Your night vision goggles are in.

Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.

And tomorrow,
I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.

Oh, sir, not the lifeline.

Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield,
my first act would be...



Well, my second act would be to fire
that no-good lint trap.

If you were Mrs. Sheffield?

"Please hang up and dial again."

Nanny Fine, I am perfect for Maxwell.

I am dependable, respectable

and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.

So you're a Volvo?

Unfortunately for you,
Mr. Sheffield wants to get his hands

on something a little sportier
that he can take the top down.

Well, you know, obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do?

Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,

give him a stick and see which one of us
he whacks first?

No.

I was going to say that we should get
an impartial third party to be the judge.

But, you know, your way is a nice
tip of the hat to Mexican culture.

An impartial third party? Like whom?

Well, like Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I met her once. She's very smart.

She was on Hollywood Squares.
She knows things.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.

It's all set. She's gonna observe us
with Mr. Sheffield

and determine
who will make the better wife.

-You're kidding.
-No.

She has a great deal of respect
for our experiment.

She has a musical
she wants to pitch to Maxwell?

Wrote a score for Nuts.

Well, let's just keep this between us.

Because if Maxwell finds out,

neither of us will have a shot at him
and he'll think we're both morons.

Good. I couldn't agree more.
And you know what?

In case he does find out, let's just
tell him that Val thought of it.

That won't be a tough sell.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass
from Chevron?

You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.

You know, even if I could keep
Dr. Brothers coming here a secret,

and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas,

how do you plan to explain
her presence to Mr. Sheffield?

The woman deals
with the psychologically deranged.

She could be here for Ma, me, Gracie.

And let me tell you something, mister,
you isn’t far from the top of the list.

And don't you blab.
I will know, because Mr. Sheffield

always acts self-conscious
when he knows he's being watched.

What?

-Nothing.
-Nothing.

Well, why are you staring at me?

What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.

Well, I can't now. You're watching me.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So much for making amateur videos
on our honeymoon.

I just hate these credit applications.

Date of birth? Not applicable.

Sex? Five years ago Tuesday.

Well, what do you need
another credit card for anyway?

I wanna get credit
so I can buy some new outfits

to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I mean, look at me, Val.
I look like a cheap tart.

And not in the good way.

Yeah, but I think under "salary",
you made a mistake.

Well, that's because last time
I put my real salary on an application,

they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.

You know, I remember that.

It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.

You know, maybe I shouldn't put
"$50,000" down.

It sounds like I'm trying too hard.

Yeah, 50 is too much.

Make it 49.99.

That's how they sucked me in
on the Abdomenizer.

Yeah, that's good.

And when I'd get that feeling

I want sexual healing

Sexual healing is something
That's good for me

Oh, crap. I dusted through Rosie.

I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.

No, I really shouldn't snoop.

But maybe I'm a reference,
in which case I have a right to know.

Where's age? Age, age, age.

This must have been age.

Let's see. Salary.

Sir, I demand a raise.

Niles, I am actually in the room.

So, you might want to rehearse
this somewhere else.

I am saying it to your face this time.

I demand a salary increase,
and I demand it now.

Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.

You know, normally,
my answer would be "no."

But based on your bold approach,
my answer is...

Hell, no!

How dare you come barging in here
like that, making demands?

Can't you see I'm busy?

Yes, I know how much effort
goes into ordering

an air-conditioned pith helmet
from The Sharper Image.

Niles, what exactly brought on
this sudden surge of greed, anyway?

Well, I was upstairs
looking through Miss--

Ms. magazine.

Did you know that,
like many women in today's marketplace,

I too am underpaid?

Well, I happen to think
you are very well paid

for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars,

and giving conducted tours of the house
when I'm not here,

saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.

Bouvier. Before she was married.

Look, if it wasn't for me,

you'd still have that summer job
playing ukulele

on some London sidewalk
with your partner, Larry.

At least Larry treated me like a human.

Of course he treated you like a human.
He was a bloody monkey!

Look, if you're not happy here,
perhaps it's time you made arrangements.

All right then, you repressed tightwad.

-I quit!
-Good.

Go and quit then. Go.

By the way, there was a call from someone
who wants to back your new show.

-Well, who was it?
-It was...

Oh, my God, Niles.

-Did I just hear you quit?
-Hmm.

How can you, after all you two
have been through together?

Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield
had that horrible contagious flu?

You were the only one
that he would let in his room.

Yes. It's memories like that
that will sustain me

until I get to the curb outside.

Mr. Sheffield,
you can't just let Niles go.

You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.

Oh, God, do you smell delicious.

What is that?

Are you wearing Aramis?

You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.

Niles is nosy, greedy, surly,
and he's gone.

Now, as lady of the house,

I want you to start
finding a replacement immediately.

Come on.

You want me to replace my best--
lady of the house?

You know, that Niles could be surly
from time to time.

-What's going on?
-Niles quit.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

Hi, Ma. What are you doing here?

Don't you remember?
We're having lunch with Aunt Freida.

It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.

Which husband?

Well, since she's buried seven,

she decided to lump them
all together like Presidents' Day.

Well, you know, as much as I'd love
to watch you and Freida fight

over who gets the chicken butt...

I've really gotta find
a replacement for Niles.

-I can't believe he quit. It's so sad.
-I know, I know.

I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.

It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.

Yeah.

That's Freida. Ma, you be nice.

Well, now that my sister-in-law, Freida,
is a millionaire,

let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.

Ma, you're going out to lunch.
What do you need a cake--

For the cab ride.

-Aunt Freida.
-Frannie.

Hi, Syl.

Sylvia, I love the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.

You know, it's nice when you get
a little older to go a little softer.

Like your tuchus.

So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler?

Hunky went out the door-y.

You mean he quit?

Well, maybe he left a little
chicken cacciatore in a zip lock?

Been there, done that.

You know, Freida, I was just gonna say,
I mean, it's kind of awkward for me,

but since you're so loaded,
and you've got so much money...

Franella, say no more.

You're mishpachah.

Here, doll.

Oh, no, Freida.

I just meant, I thought
you should hire Niles.

I don't know, a butler?
You know, I'm just not comfortable

bossing people around.

Sylvia, a cold drink. Move it!

I'll dance on your grave someday.

You know, maybe I could use some help.

I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.

Freida, it's Lladró.

If you can pronounce it, I can afford it.

-Miss Fine.
-Yeah? What's the matter?

You can call off the search.

C.C.'s found the perfect butler,
with sterling credentials, I might add.

I'm very pleased.

Thank you, C.C.

You're welcome, honey.

Did you hear that?

He is pleased with the help I hired.

I think Dr. Brothers would approve.

All right, you win.

When me and Mr. Sheffield get married,
you can hire all the help.

All right, girls, well, it looks like
I can have lunch with you after all.

-How about Mexican?
-I'm in the mood for matzah ball soup.

Have you tried Casa de Hadassah?

-No, I hear they have great fajitas.
-Oh, my God.

-Kosher fajitas.
-They've got a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.

I love it.

And finally, Trevor,
this is the kitchen, your domain.

We have the butler’s pantry on the left,
the wine cellar on the right,

and the trampy nanny on her ass.

Listen, Trevor, let's just get
one thing straight right off the bat.

You took my best friend's job,

so you and I are not gonna be compadres.

As long as we're being honest,

I don't want your mother
dropping by incessantly.

A woman her age should be retired
and living in a warm climate.

You know, I got two tickets
for Rent Saturday night.

What do you say we go together?

And as for your attire,
it is inappropriate for the nanny

to be seen in such revealing outfits
in front of the master and children.

Please, if I wanted to be revealing,
I could have unbuttoned these buttons,

and I wouldn't have worn a bra. Peekaboo.

How can you stand him?

I mean, he's so cold, stuffy
and repressed.

I know, honey, but he is your father.
You meant Trevor.

Why are you children still here?
You should be in school.

Fran's taking us to Maury Povich
to see that 80-pound baby.

Here. Dad doesn't need to know.

Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.

This one's gonna be trouble.

Oh, my God, Freida.

I know. It took forever to paper
over those carved mahogany walls.

But don't judge it now.

When I get my furniture out of storage,
it'll fill in all those bare spots.

Listen, Freida, I wanna talk to you
about Niles. I want him back.

And you can get anyone
to do what he does here.

Oh, Freida. It's booty call.

Niles, you hussy, you.

Don't knock it, baby.

Is that a diamond ring?

And a dental plan?

I'm shag-a-delic, baby.

Frannie, it's so nice to have
a man around the house.

Nilesy, I'm gonna start the bath.

Don't be long, my private dancer.

Niles, I don't believe you.

Dressing up in sexy clothes.
Throwing yourself at your boss. It's sick.

Sick, sick, sick.

But it seems the only way
I can make your high salary

is to shake my groove thing
with Aunt Freida.

-Well, what do you mean, my high salary?
-I saw your credit card application.

You put down that you make $50,000 a year.

I had to. That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.

I'm seeking "approval".

Now, come on, I'm taking you home.

No, no. I will not have Mr. Sheffield
constantly calling me a snoop.

I have my dignity.

Nilesy!

Put on the velvet Speedo
with the bull's-eye.

Look, it's too late to come back now.

I've made Freida's bed,
and now I have to lie in it.

Well, fine.

Just remember, I've been working
for Mr. Sheffield almost five years,

and still I haven't slept with him.

It's official. I'm a schmuck.

I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock.

I thought you might be nervous
about Dr. Brothers' visit.

I hope she picks you.

Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.

Nanny Fine may be dumb enough
to honor our deal,

but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.

Nanny Fine, that is low.

Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school.

I had trouble finishing school.

Well, you look ridiculous.

That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.

On you, it sings.

Hello. C.C. Babcock.

Everyone's choice for Mrs. Sheffield.

Hi, Dr. Brothers. Good to see you again.

You know, I don't want you to feel
any pressure at all to pick me.

You know, just because I could get
Mr. Sheffield

to listen to your score for Nuts.

I'm a professional, dear.

You can't play passive-aggressive with me.

Oh, well, what do you say to this?

I got a rich aunt.
There's more where that came from.

No?

Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.

I am in show business.

I can arrange that pitch meeting
with Maxwell.

I promise.

Ma, where did you come from?

Der Weisse Engel wouldn't let me in.

The boy had to help me up the trellis.

The Sheffield line ends here, okay?

-I wanna come back. Hide me. Please.
-What happened?

I can handle the Jacuzzis
and giving the oil massages,

I can suck on a big toe
the size of a Louisville Slugger,

but I will not do windows.

-Nilesy!
-Oh, God. Sasquatch.

-I heard what they said about you...
-Quiet!

Trevor, what the hell is going on
in my house?

I wouldn't know. I don't get involved
in other people's business.

Well, that's not much bloody good to me,
is it?

You're fired.

-You, you're rehired.
-Do I get a raise?

-No.
-I'll take it.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers,
doing in my sitting room?

Well, she's here to decide whether me
or Miss Babcock is more right for you.

Not that it's any of your business.

What? You can't be serious.

You two have turned into
a couple of complete morons.

-It was Val's idea.
-It was Val's idea.

Dr. Brothers,
I don't know under what pretense

these two got you here,

but I do apologize for their lunacy.

No problem.

Act one,
a lone schizophrenic prostitute sings.

I stabbed a man in the guts

Now they're calling me nuts

But I can't help it

Yes, and this is the room where
Miss Bouvier first met Jack Kennedy.

-Niles!
-Tour's over. No refunds.