The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Pre-Nup - full transcript

Sir, I have to talk about this replacement
Miss Babcock sent over.

I don't like her. I don't like her at all.

Why not? She's doing a wonderful job.
She's very efficient.

Well, I don't know.
There's just something about her

that rubs me the wrong way.

Hello, hello.

Maxwell, here are the documents
from your attorney.

Niles, something's stuck to your hair.

-What?
-A big, fat, ugly butler.

What's that?

A cell phone for Fran.



Yeah, I thought it would help with the
planning of the wedding she has to do.

-What's that?
-A pager.

With the running around she has to do,

I thought this and her own limo
would come in handy.

You must've pulled a big'un.

-Shall I close the door?
-Why don't you?

You're on the wrong side of it.

Just tell me.

I did have a heart attack,
and the doctor says it helps thin my blood

if I'm kept constantly in the loop.

Will you stop it?

Well, apparently my finances
are a lot more complicated than I thought.

My attorney thinks it's a good idea if
I...

Well, I should...



I'm going to ask Fran to sign
a prenuptial agreement.

Why don't you just walk around
downtown Iraq

dressed as Uncle Sam? It'll be quicker.

Niles, this isn't just about me and Fran.

Apparently there are some
family accounts in my name.

I'm responsible for my brother,
my sister, their children.

No, I'm just going to explain this to Fran
in a calm, rational, firm tone of...

Here's my pretty darling!

-Doesn't that look nice?
-Very, very nice.

Look, I got you some presents.

-Presents.
-A cell phone

-and a pager. Look, it vibrates.
-Thank you. Wow.

It's vibrating.
You better page me all the time.

It's for the chauffeur of your new limo.

Oh, my God, my own limo.
I don't know, honey.

It just seems so show-offy.

Don't worry about it.

It has tinted windows.
No one will be able see you.

Well, then what's the point?

Honey, don't forget this afternoon
we're going to go see Sammy's niece, Edna.

She's a wedding photographer
and she is supposed to be phenomenal.

You know, she does all of those
dogs dressed as people.

She did The Beatles using four Yorkies.

It was very clever. Very clever.

Well, no worries, sweetheart.

-I've cleared the whole afternoon.
-Okay.

There is just one little favor
I'd like you to do for me.

What?

Well, it's just, there's some
silly little papers I'd like you to sign.

Honey, sure. Whatever you need.
You're the business head in this family.

You need me to sign something,
I'll sign it,

just as long as it's not a prenup!

Niles! Niles, where are you going?

Somewhere else. Now you're on
the wrong side of the door.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Is this the paper you want me to sign?

Well, it's not important right now.

Why don't you see your limo?
It's right out front.

No, you said you needed
to get it done, let's just do it.

No, what's the rush?
Come on, go take a spin. It'll be fun.

Look, I'll page you.

Stop it.
Honey, you're being so cute and sexy.

Makes me wonder what you don't want me
to see in this folder.

All right. All right, it's a prenup.

Water! Water!

I'm swallowing my tongue!

-No...
-I'm swallowing my tongue!

Sweetheart, sweetheart. Just stay calm.

My lawyer thought it was important
due to my family's estate.

Did you think that just because
I sacrificed five years of my life

to raise your children so you can go off
and achieve financial success,

that I was going to hire some barracuda
lawyer to take everything you've got,

so I could retire in the Riviera
and go blonde?

Who thinks of such things?

Darling, it has absolutely nothing
to do with us.

It has everything to do with us.
It has to do with trust.

What have I ever done to make
you think that I couldn't be trusted?

Dear Lord, are we going to open that land
of the giant-sized can of worms?

Well, it's obvious
we have different prerequisites

for marriage, don't we?

I'm surprised you didn't put
a clause in here saying

I have to maintain a certain weight.

Well, he saw your mother.

You know, two can play at this game, too.

I happen to have some relatives that are
notary publics/travel agents.

Perhaps I should have them draw up
a prenup to protect some of my assets.

Fine. Fine, you go right ahead!
But you better not waste any bloody time.

Don't want that
Welcome Back, Kotter lunchbox

falling out of the family's hands.

Yes, what the hell do you want?

I want that blonde woman
out of this house.

Hi, Ma.

-Hi, darling.
-You look beautiful.

How are you doing on your diet?

Good.

I thought I'd go to the photographers
with you.

Yetta and Sammy are on their way over.

-Good, do we have time to talk?
-They're at the curb,

we have time for the Geneva Convention.

You know, Ma,
Max and I had a terrible fight.

-He wants me to...
-Do it!

-You don't even know what it is yet.
-The invitations are halfway to Israel.

That's all I need to know.

He wants me to sign a...

A prenup.

Did you sign it?

No.

Why not?

Well, Ma,
I think it shows a lack of trust.

You know,
Shoshanna stood up to Jerry Seinfeld.

She refused to sign that prenup of his.

And she sure showed him.

-Hey, Fran.
-B, what are you doing back?

I thought you were going rollerblading
in the park.

I came back.
I forgot a vital piece of equipment.

What?

Something that protects
a vital piece of equipment.

Ma, do you remember when I found Daddy's,

and you said to me
that it was a peanut dish?

Trust me,
it wasn't that far from the truth.

But, darling, why are you getting
so worked up about this?

Prenups are very common now.

Ari Onassis even put in
a mattress mambo clause

when he married Jackie.

It said she had to sleep with him
a certain number of times a year.

Sure. That he leaves out.

She does beautiful work.

I'm so sorry I'm late.
I had to shoot some nudes.

I thought Sammy said
you were shooting some dogs.

I didn't say they was pretty.

Baby, this is my niece, Edna.

And this is my chick.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Sammy and I might want a portrait, too.

All we got now is a joint MRI.

MRI, CAT scan, angiograms.

We had some good times, didn't we, baby?

How long is this gonna take?

'Cause I do have a meeting in New Haven
in two hours.

That is why we took two limos,
yours and mine.

Note how I separate yours from mine,

lest there be any confusion in the future.

Well, there won't be
any confusion in the future

because what's yours is mine.

I smell love.

You must be the happy couple.

You're so pretty together.
Aren't they pretty together?

-Very pretty.
-Very pretty.

Yeah!

I'm Edna.

Come on, shake.

Come on. Good girl. Good girl.

-And I have to go.
-Sit!

Good boy!

So I feel that
money's probably no issue here.

Of course, it's an issue for me
because I gotta pay my rent.

So, we'll start with the top of the line,
shall we?

Excuse me, I just need to squeeze in here.

Yes. Now, this wedding package comes
with this fabulous wedding favor.

A 3D pop-up version of the front table.

It's very popular.

I really don't see why you can't see
my side of this.

It's just a piece of paper.
If it'll make me happy,

why can't you just sign the bloody thing?

Well, I'm sorry I did not realize

that this marriage is all about
just making you happy.

You know, we could make this talk.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for the blender.

Okay. So are you the mother?

-Yeah.
-She over 30?

You need to help me out here.

Wow, these Triscuits are really stale.

Yetta, you're eating liver snaps.

Oh, my God, with milk? It's not kosher.

This is ridiculous.
I'm not going to change my mind,

now I have to leave.

Why are you harping
on this disgusting issue?

Push, push, push! You were the one
that was so desperate to get married.

Me?

Yes. That's our story
and we're sticking with it.

Now, you know where I stand
on this matter.

And what happens now
is entirely up to you.

Well, what is that
supposed to mean exactly?

If I don't sign the prenup,
the wedding is off?

All right. All right, yes.
That's exactly what this means.

I'm going to faint! Somebody catch me!

I've got you, Sylvia.

Val, it was horrible.

He said that the wedding is off
unless I sign,

and I just know
there's no way to resolve this.

I don't know why I'm bothering
to make plans.

Yes, hello. I said velour yarmulkes.
Velour. Thank you.

You know, Fran,
why don't you just sign the stupid thing?

He loves you, he wants to marry you

and if, God forbid, you do split up,
this provides for you as well, right?

Yeah, well, I guess so.

And not only is he protecting
the same kids you want to protect,

his family's probably pressuring him too.

I mean, to them,
you're a nothing off the street.

Well, as am I.

So he's probably trying
to get them off his back as well, right?

-Yeah, well, I guess so.
-Yeah.

So from where I'm sitting,
it makes perfect sense

that he would want a prenup.

You know, I think
that ginkgo's beginning to kick in.

No, no. It's that one.

The ginkgo.

So many phones. Hello?

Yes, this is the Sheffield residence.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Yes, okay. Yes, thank you.
Thank you, I'll be right over.

Oh, my God. Brighton got into an accident
playing roller hockey.

He hit his head.
He's at St. Paul's Hospital.

Listen to me. You have got to call
Mr. Sheffield's assistant

and tell her to call him.
Then call Gracie's friend Marcy's house

and tell her to send Gracie right home.
Then wait here for Maggie

to come home from ballet class
and tell Maggie to wait here for Gracie,

and then take Gracie to the hospital
and meet me there.

Fran!

Val, Brighton's going to be okay.

No! I don't know anything
you just said to me.

I'll call you from the car.

Brighton Sheffield! Brighton Sheffield!

I'm here to see Brighton Sheffield.
Where is he? Is he okay?

We just brought him down from a CAT scan
and he's back in his room.

You his mother?

Well, obviously it doesn't say his age
on that chart.

I'm his nanny.

Now, where is he, where can I go?

Are you a legal guardian?

Well, no,
but just point me where his room is.

I'm sorry, you can't see him.
It's immediate family only.

He's a minor. Those are the rules.

Oh, my God.

You know, honey, you could buy

a lot of liquid white shoe polish
for this.

No.

When a family member gets here,
you can go in then.

But they told me
to rush right down here, and I did.

That's all they said I had to do
was come here, and that's what I did!

Now give my daughter her shot!

Well, it worked in Terms of Endearment.

-Hello, Sister.
-Hey, bro. I mean,

my child.

-He'll be fine, just a little concussion.
-Oh, thank God.

You're allowed to wear makeup?
What order are you from?

The, the Sisters of the Divine

Miss M.

Shalom.

B, B, can you hear me?

Sister, I swear,

I don't know how I wrote the exact same
story as John Steinbeck.

Brighton, Brighton, it's me, Fran.

I'm the one that taught you
how to do that, remember?

How did this happen to you?

Well, I was skating with
these two cute girls,

and really fast
towards a brick wall, and...

And?

And they knew how to turn.

-Is he okay?
-Yes, yes.

He'll be fine.
It's just a little bump on the head.

Lemme fill you in on what happened.

Fran, isn't it obvious?

He was chasing after some girl
he didn't have a chance with,

and ran into a wall.

Nurse says no dairy.

And then they wouldn't let Fran in,
so she had to dress up like a nun.

Or sourdough.

Well, can I at least have the cookie?

It's raisin. You don't like it.

Now, honey, why weren't you
wearing your helmet?

Don't you know that
you always have to use protection?

That goes for you too, missy.

Fran, I don't know
why you're getting so upset. I'm fine.

What, are you kidding me?
I was so worried. I love you guys so much.

I don't want anything
to ever happen to any of you.

Don't you know
that you mean the world to me?

Hello there.

Well, I've just been filled in
by the doctor,

and it seems we can take you home.

Just gonna have a bit of a headache
for a few days.

Give you a glimpse
into the world of marriage.

You will just buy anything at a sale,
won't you?

They wouldn't let her in
because she's not family

or his legal guardian.

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, too. I...

I shouldn't have let you leave angry.

Well, I just never... Well, I really

cannot talk to you dressed like that.

It's a whole boarding school thing.
It makes me very uncomfortable.

You? I'm wearing the clothes
of a woman that never marries and

lives a life of celibacy.

Oy, did I miss my calling?

Goodnight, Piles.

Niles.

You say tomato...

You know something, lady?

You're just a pale imitation
of the C.C. Babcock I know.

You're not half the man she is.

You know, Niles,
it's a shame we didn't get along.

I find myself strangely attracted to you.

You said I was a big, fat, ugly butler.

You don't know my type.

Taking the night off.
If I'm not back in the morning,

yay!

Hi.

So, where did you disappear to
after we brought B home?

Well, I took a little walk.

The phone call every parent dreads.

Had to give my insides time
to fall back into place.

I hear you. Boy, It sort of makes
everything else seem so unimportant.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I decided to sign the prenup.

-Really?
-Yep.

You know, I know I want to spend
the rest of my life with you,

so if this is what it takes,
then fine. Give it to me.

All right.

Now, this is the place where
you're supposed to say,

"No, darling, I trust you,

"and I know we're going to spend
the rest of our lives together." You know?

Give me it.

You know, Fran,
You were right when you said

what happened today
put everything into perspective.

This doesn't look anything
like the papers you gave me before.

That's because they're not.

-They're not?
-No. This is.

Those are the first stages
of the adoption papers.

I want you to be the children's mother.
Legally.

You do?

I always thought Sara and I

would be raising the children together
and then,

well, I never really thought
they'd be truly happy again.

But you know, they are.

And that's thanks to you.

I just love the children so very much.

And I love you.

And I meant what I said before.
I want to sign this prenup.

I just want to add
a little Ari Onassis clause.

Don't worry, it's a win-win thing.

-Sweetheart, that won't be necessary.
-Why?

Because, this is the time
I say I trust you

and I know we'll be happy
for the rest of our lives.

Hey, Yetta, what are you reading?

The Money Club.

Some Park Avenue ladies invested
their money together and made a fortune.

So I got all the gals at the home
to pool their resources.

What are you going to invest in?

We bought the book.

Where are you going?

I have to go with Fran to traffic court.

She's going to talk her way
out of a parking ticket.

Come on, honey.

We'll go pick up a knish on the way.