The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Best Man - full transcript

Some water?

You know, Fran, it's boiling in here.

If Mr. Sheffield's having auditions,

why don't you just put
on the air conditioner?

Val, I am not gonna have a bunch
of chorus girls auditioning

for my future husband
in a place that might be nippy.

Fran, don't be so insecure.

These women wanna be famous
in the theater,

not famous for marrying
a millionaire husband.

Oh, my God, there's Marla Maples.

-Why hello, Ms. Maples.
-Hi.



-I'm Fran Fine. This is Val.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-I must say, I am just so sorry

about you and the you-know-who.

But I'm sure that you must have met
someone already

and you're completely unavailable.

Honey, I am not about to go jump
into another relationship.

I am on my own,
and I've got my career going on.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know,
it's really none of my business.

Break a leg.

You see, Fran?
She's not after Mr. Sheffield.

Val.

You thought I was after Maxwell?

Me and Max were over a long time ago.

Say what now?



Well, back when me
and you-know-who were separated,

Max and I had a little...

-You know.
-No, I don't know.

Embellish, bubbe.

Well, we sort of...

Well, we kind of--
We really flirted a lot.

Who knows, if things
had been different, maybe--

Miss Maples, Mr. Sheffield asked me
to tell you that he's very sorry

but the part's been cast.

He will, however, keep you in mind
for roles in the future.

You know what they say,
one door closes, another opens.

Look at that.

I have not waited around five years

for some little Shiksa to come in
and ruin my wedding.

Thank you, Niles.

You know, you could be Ma,
if it weren't for the whiskers.

Although...

If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs,
preparing the guest room.

-Why? Who's coming?
-Mr. Sheffield's brother, Nigel.

-He's arriving any minute.
-That's great,

because, you know, we haven't seen Nigel,

since I almost ran off
and married him on the boat.

I know. Oh, my God, Fran.
What are you gonna do?

I don't know, you know.

I've kept this whole thing a secret
from Maxwell all this time.

I'd keep going with that.

Oh, my God. That's him.

What am I gonna do?
Okay, now wait. Don't panic. Don't panic

Calm down. Calm down. All right, look.
You know what?

-It happened a year and a half ago.
-Right.

-We're adults.
-Yeah.

-We'll just act like nothing happened.
-Yeah.

-So... Okay.
-Yeah.

-Hi.
-Hello, darling.

How have you been?

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, She had flair
She was there

That's how she became the nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described

Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.!

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The nanny named Fran

Darling, you look even hotter
than the last time I saw you.

Are you crazy?

What happened between you
and me is over and in the past.

My heart now belongs to Maxwell.

So would you knock it off
with the "darling" stuff?

But, baby, you're the love of my life.

Poor Nigel, how I have devastated you.

But you're just going to have
to get on with your life,

no matter how difficult it is.

-Bonjour.
-Fran, meet Geneviève,

the love of my life.

Well, that was a quick recovery.

You must be so happy
to marry again, no?

Actually, this is my first time.

Really? How old are you?

Well, I don't know the metric conversion.

Listen, I gotta talk to you.
You cannot breathe a word

-to your brother--
-Nigel.

Yeah, look who's here. Nigel's here.

We were just making out-- Up. Up.

-Making up for lost time.
-Congratulations,

-you old dog!
-Yeah, thank you.

-This is Geneviève.
-Hello.

-Hello.
-Geneviève is the girl

with whom Nigel is involved.

You know what, Fran? I think I should go.
I'm afraid I might slip

-and say something--
-All right, Val. Go. Go.

-Bye, Val, bye.
-So you're Fran.

-Yes.
-Now I remember.

-She is the girl you almost--
-Now, Geneviève's gotta go.

It's jet lag, honey. Take her to her room.
Bye, Geneviève.

Maxwell, we have three dancers to see.

Nigel, I didn't know you were coming.

Yeah. C.C.'s been away. On holiday.

Yes, I heard. You went crackers.

-Nigel.
-No, Maxwell. It's quite all right.

They told us the most important part
of our recovery

is admitting that we have a problem.
The truth is, I was fine

and I'm suing the hell out
of those quacks.

Yeah, Nigel, if you'll excuse us,
I have these auditions to attend to

-but I'll catch up with you at dinner.
-Okay.

Yeah, okay.
Well, we'll see you at supper.

Don't you worry about us.

Nigel. Nigel.

You can't breathe a word
of this to Maxwell because he doesn't know

about you and I almost running off
and getting married together.

And we have a very honest
and trusting relationship,

but you don't have
that relationship with him,

so you can lie through your teeth.

Darling, darling, don't worry.
We don't share anything. We're English.

And if I started telling Max
about all the birds I was in love with,

well, we'd be here all year.

Well, thanks. You meant a lot to me too.

-Just sign here, sir.
-There we are.

-Thank you.
-Right.

Niles, I just heard

that Maxwell asked Nigel
to be his best man.

But don't let it get you down.
You'll always be the bride's maid.

I'm not a bit upset
that he chose his brother.

If anything, I expected you to be
the best man.

Another wedding gift, Miss Fine.

Oh my God, look.

It's a box from Tiffany.

His side.

No. It's a blender from Costco.

-Our side.
-Our side.

You know, at my wedding,
in the old country,

I got a blender too.

Her name was Pola.

She could take an apple
in her bare hand

and squeeze the juice right
into the glass.

So, Fran, have you decided on the band
that you wanna play at your wedding?

-Well--
-Your Aunt Marilyn,

wants her son's Hasidic heavy metal band
to play.

What kind of a name
is "Smashing Pupiks" anyway?

Come on. Every man has a bachelor party.
It's tradition.

Yeah, Dad, it's tradition.

Would you excuse us
a minute, Grace, please?

You're asking me to leave?
I have to explain Dawson's Creek to her.

Come on, Fran, tell him.

A bachelor party doesn't bother you,
right?

You want me to encourage him
to go to a party

with a bunch of naked women dancing

-and pressing themselves up against him?
-I think that's so degrading

to women.
Quite frankly,

I find it a complete turn-off.

I think you should have one.

-Yes! We're gonna have a bachelor party!
-Yeah!

And you're too young to come.

Fran, I cannot believe
you're letting him have one.

I mean, they're so degrading to women.

Me, I'm not comfortable with my Sammy,

looking at other girls.

Yetta, Sammy is blind.

Yeah, but he sees with his hands.

-You're very naive, darling.
-Why?

I know a man who canceled the wedding

because he ran off with the girl
who came out of the cake.

-Who?
-Daddy.

Well, isn't that ironic.
You were in the cake,

and now the cake's in you.

Ma, I trust Maxwell.

Besides, he is just so uptight.

I mean, he can't even bring himself
to peel the skin

off of a breast of chicken.

So get this, right?
They blow up this pool,

and then these girls
fill it with this green gelatin.

And you know what they say,
"There's always room for gelatin."

I wanna go. I love jiggly stuff.

Ma, I trust Maxwell.

You heard him.

He doesn't have any interest
in this stuff.

He's only doing it to humor Nigel.

Yeah, and I went to Hershey, Pennsylvania

to see the Amish.

Well, of course, Nigel, you realize it's
a brand new computer system.

They're still trying work out,
all the jugs--

Bugs!

You said "jugs", bro.

I know what I said.

Come on, Max, you're having a good time.
Admit it.

Well, I'm not denying,
it does have a certain...

Wow, is she built like a brick!

...charm to it.

But let's face it,
it is totally bereft of any dignity.

Fabulous party, sir.

Fabulous.

Well, big brother--

Here's to your final week of freedom.

Better thee than me.

Now, wait a minute, Nigel.

Now, Fran is a wonderful woman.
You don't know what you're missing.

-To the future Mrs. Maxwell Sheffield.
-Hear, hear.

-To my future wife.
-Cheers.

You know, she could just as easily
have been your sister-in-law,

if she'd accepted my proposal,
last time I was here.

-Abso-bloody-lutely.
-Yup.

-What?
-Well, you're a lucky man, Max.

If she had met me on the boat
like we planned, she'd be my wife today.

You proposed to Fran?

Surprise!

You almost married my brother?

See you.

Why won't you listen to me?

I told you that nothing happened
between me and Nigel.

I find it hard to believe
that a man and a woman

could spend so much time together,

with so much sexual tension,
without anything happening.

Really? I don't.

I just can't believe you and Nigel were--

While you and I were-- You know.

No, I don't know, because technically,

you and I were nothing
because you were so scared

you couldn't even make up
your mind about what we weren't.

-But you knew how I felt about you.
-Well, I thought I did,

when you told me that you loved me.
But then you took it back.

Why do you always have to bring that up?

Why, does it make you feel
bad and guilty?

-Yes.
-That's why I always have to bring it up.

-And there he is.
-Come on, Max,

you're overreacting.
How was I supposed

to know you were in love with Fran?
You never paid her any attention.

You said, flat out,
there was nothing going on between you.

Don't you know what that means?

How long have you known me?

Well, you know, to be quite honest,
I mean, you are not

-the most communicative person--
-I would tread very lightly,

-right now, if I were you.
-Treading lightly. Treading lightly.

Well, obviously, I can't get through
to you, so I'm leaving.

-And I'm taking the woman I love.
-Nigel,

I don't love you.

Now, get it through your head already,
and let it go.

You're talking about Frenchy.
Yeah. Go get her.

Come on, honey, let's sit down
and talk about this.

No, I, I don't have anything
to say to you, Fran.

You have plunged a knife
into my heart and twisted it.

Are you sure
there's no Jewish blood in you?

I can't believe you could do
something like this

and then not have the character
to tell me about it.

Thank you, officer.

Did somebody forget something
at the party?

He loves me not.

He loves me not.

He loves me not.

Ma.

Darling, your eyes are all red.
Have you been crying?

The most horrible thing happened.

I knew it.
The caterer won't make

a twice-baked potato.

Why do you always assume the worst?

Ma, I never told you this,

but, like a year and a half ago,

I almost ran off and married
Maxwell's brother Nigel.

You could have been married
a year and a half ago?

The thing is,
I never told Maxwell about it.

And now he's found out,

and the whole wedding
could be in jeopardy.

Oh, my God.

-Did you hear?
-I'm nauseous already.

This is your fault.

You had her
for all the birthdays up to 29.

And you had her
for all the birthdays back to it.

Stop it, you two.
This isn't about you,

it's about me and my life.

I'm the one that messed up.
I'm the one

that almost ran out on Maxwell.
I'm the one that--

Now, you see?

This is why they threw the book
at me in traffic court.

-Good afternoon.
-Sir.

Son,

we're gonna leave you alone
and give you the space

to work it out.

Maxwell, I've been-- What?

Let's go in there.

They walked into another room.

We should have had a plan B.

Maxwell, I know that I was wrong.

I should have told you.

I promise you, I will never,

ever keep anything from you again.

With my own brother?

Well, exactly. I thought,

you didn't want me anymore

and I found him very attractive.

I had "Sheffieldmania."

You know, not the real thing,
but an incredible simulation.

I just feel very betrayed, Fran.

Well, what did you expect?

I mean, you took back telling me
that you loved me,

and then, you're surprised
that I didn't wait around for you.

That's not fair.

You can't have it both ways.

But, you know, I'm just beginning
to think that you're making such

a big megillah about all this
because you're looking for an excuse

to take back your commitment to me.

Well, I'm sorry if you feel
that way, Fran, but I...

I just can't forgive you yet.

Well then, you know what?
I'm gonna make it real easy for you.

Here, take back your ring.

Why, for the love of God?

No...

You can't do this.

I already dyed my shoes.

If you leave, I'm gonna throw myself

in the Hudson River.

Ma, flooding New Jersey,
is not gonna solve anything.

Hello, hello.

Nanny Fine, about your wedding,
I just came back from Crate & Barrel--

Shopping for a dress?

No, but I did see something
you'd just love

at Husky Butler Boys.

Nanny Fine, what's with the suitcase?
Where you going?

Well, you'll be happy to know
that Maxwell and I had a terrible fight

and I gave him back the ring
and the wedding is off.

-What?
-He thinks Fran had an infidelity.

Please.

You've been hanging around him
for five years.

You're the biggest doormat there is.

I know, and wouldn't you think
that would count for something?

And when did he get so holier-than-thou?

You don't think Maxwell Sheffield has
a roving eye?

I've caught him checking me out
in the office.

Shut up.

Let me tell you, Maxwell Sheffield,
has not spent every night

of the last five years doing
a one-man show.

Miss Babcock,
I think you're on to something.

Ma, help me unpack.

You do realize that you might have
just pushed them

-into a reconciliation.
-I know.

That damn Prozac is turning me
into a caring human being.

And they said,
there'd be no harmful side effects.

Maxwell, I just wanted to tell you

that I've been thinking about things,
and I really understand

how you must feel.
I mean,

I'd be really upset,
if you did the same thing to me.

Well, I appreciate your saying that, Fran.

There's really no need
to give back the ring.

I'm sure I will get
through this eventually.

But you know, it's important for you
to understand that

if two people don't have trust,

if they can't be completely
open and honest with each other,

then all they have is--
Marla. Marla.

I mean, Miss Maples.

Hey, Maxwell. I haven't seen you since

-that night we--
-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Goodness, how long ago was that now?
Six, seven years?

-A year and a half.
-Really?

Really? That long.
Well, my, how time flies.

Anyway, Marla, thank you
for dropping by, and listen...

About that part you're interested in,
it's yours.

I'll call you.
No, no, no. I won't call you.

Agent. I'll call your agent.

Okay, I'll just show Marla out.

-Thanks, Marl.
-No problem, sweetie.

I just don't want to see you go through
what I'm going through.

Every day, I kick myself
about the man that got away.

Listen, it didn't work out
for you and Donald, but--

Not Donald.

Maxwell.

Your cab's waiting.

Well darling, I'm glad everything
got straightened out.

So, what do you say
about a spot of dinner?

-What are you in the mood for?
-I don't know.

Could you go for a little crow?

All right. All right. Point well taken.

I'm sorry.

Suppose I haven't been much
of a saint either.

Look, I only overreacted because, well,

I didn't realize how close I came
to losing you.

And what would I have done
if you'd actually gotten on that boat

-with Nigel?
-But I didn't. I'm here with you.

You know, there's a word
in Yiddish for that,

It's beshet.

-What does that mean?
-It means, "meant to be."

Because no matter what happens,

that's what we are, meant to be.

We're naked without each other.

Like my finger.

Fran...

I love you.

I love you too.

It's back on!

Praise the Lord!

Look, another food dehydrator.

Well, I suppose you can never have
too much jerky.

I'm so excited.
They're delivering my gift for you.

Yetta, you didn't have to get me anything.

Nonsense. I just got you a bread maker.

Malka. Come on in.