The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Reunion Show - full transcript

Well, in just seven weeks
this is going to be our room.

Our bed.

Our chair.

Our lamp.

And my closet.

And who says size isn't important
in the bedroom?

Val, this is what I picked out for Maxwell
to wear to my high school reunion party.

It's like having a great big Ken doll.

Only mine is anatomically correct.

Please, God.

Meanwhile, this is the first time
you got a reason to go to your reunion.



You should be more concerned
with what you're gonna wear.

You know, I just thought I'd wear
a simple, drop-dead gorgeous fiancé

and accessorize it with this.

You know, I can't wait to see
Naomi Dembo's face when you walk in.

She was so mean to us in high school.
She told everyone

that we were lesbian lovers.

Yeah, but you know, it backfired on her

because we were never
so popular with the boys.

All right, hands up,
anyone who doesn't belong in here.

Well, I bet you weren't expecting
three gorgeous gals in your bed.

Yeah.

Now, don't go getting any ideas.

Yes, well, I think this has sufficiently
put that fantasy to rest, Sylvia.

I'm sorry, honey.
I just wanted to show the girls



what you're wearing to my reunion
Saturday night.

Saturday night? I thought you said
it was next Saturday.

Well, it was next Saturday
when I told you about it last Saturday.

Well, this Saturday, I have to fly
to Washington to talk

at the National Endowment for the Arts.

Oh, no, you have to come.

The last two reunions,
I carried a man's coat

and said my fiancé was in the bathroom.

I don't think that they'll go for it
a third time.

What do you want me to do?

Cancel on
the President of the United States?

Well, he's been known to put
pleasure before business.

Why can't you?

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Val, I cannot believe how our entire
graduating class has aged.

-Everybody looks so old.
-Yeah.

You wanna sign the guest book?

No. I'll tell you, my joints are
all stiff from the dampness.

You know what? Let's hit the buffet

-and see what they got.
-Yeah. You know what?

Let's load up on the finger food

because I want it to look really organic
when I flash my new ring

-under Naomi Dembo's new nose.
-Okay.

Excuse me, could you pass me a quiche?

-Ray Barone.
-Hey. You look great.

-Look at you.
-Thank you.

-You brought your fiancé.
-No.

Hey, right there.

Nice to see you again, buddy.

No, Ray. Fran's not making up
ridiculous excuses anymore.

Her fiancé had to go to Washington
to talk to the President.

He's in the bathroom.

You know, Raymond, in high school,

-I had such a crush on you.
-No.

Well, who didn't?

Everybody loved Raymond.

You know, Ray, I understand
congratulations are in order.

I read in the newsletter
that you just had twins.

-That must be fabulous.
-Yeah. Yeah.

I have a five-year-old
and twin two-year-old boys.

So, you know? I don't care
how this reunion goes.

I'm just happy to be out of the house.

That was always you, Ray.
Funny and fertile.

Thank you. And we just got
a deal on a house too.

No one wanted to live there
because of the noise factor.

Why? Are you near the airport
or something?

No, no, across the street from my parents.

Boy, Ray, I think you better
get back to your table.

It looks like your wife is getting
a little annoyed

that you're talking so long
to the two of us.

No, it's because this is her plate.

Yeah.

-Bye. See you.
-Bye, Ray.

-Fran?
-What?

Naomi Dembo, 11 o'clock.

Where?

That's one o'clock, Val.

Fran, it's me, Naomi.

Hi, Naomi. How are you? You look fabulous.

I know.

You two, you look stunning.

-Your hair, your outfits.
-Thank you.

You see? You wait long enough,
everything comes back again.

Let's hope the same doesn't apply
to your schnoz.

-Just like old times.
-I know.

Come sit at my table.
Gayle, Ivy, Dolores, they're all here.

-They hated us.
-I know. Come sit.

Look who it is.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Oh, my God.

-You look awesome.
-Oh, my God.

-Dotty, tell me.
-Pretty.

How is that husband of yours,
Mr. Park Avenue doctor?

Well, the older we got,
the less we found we had in common.

Yeah. He liked to sleep
with 18-year-olds, and I wasn't one.

-How awful.
-You're divorced?

Honey, we all are.

But you all seemed so happy
at the last reunion.

You were flashing your wedding pictures

and showing off your engagement rings

which, if you ask me,
I thought was very obnoxious.

You're happy for two minutes,
and then everything's an argument.

I think it's cold. He thinks it's hot.

I like Letterman. He likes Leno.

I dislike his friends.

He thinks all mine are shrill,
foul-mouthed boozers.

He could bite me.

Frannie, you were the smart one.

Marriage is the surest way to ruin
any relationship.

So, what's new with you?

I'm engaged.

Frannie!

You know, Niles, ever since those men came
to take Miss Babcock away...

You're acting kind of strange.
Why don't you admit you miss her?

Because I don't miss her.

Really? Explain tonight's dessert.

So, what of it?

All my years of torment and torture have
put her where she is today.

There's not a moment that goes by
that I don't blame myself.

But Niles, it was Dad's and Fran's
engagement that sent her over the edge.

That's what I think,
but I didn't wanna say.

You want a piece of chin? She's got three.

-Just gonna pass.
-Okay.

Okay, home sweet home.

Come on in.

So, tell me, Mary Ann,
what does your daddy do?

He's Chairman and CEO
of Amcon International.

What does your father do?

Eats pudding.

Is anyone hungry?
I'll cut you a slab of Miss Babcock.

-No.
-No.

Isn't Fran cool? I can't wait
till her and my dad get married.

Ever since my dad married
my stepmother, I became invisible.

I guess I got a little blurry

when they tried to focus on me
through a martini glass in St. Bart's.

Well, that won't happen to me.

-Hello, darling.
-Hi, sweetie.

-Hello. I'm here.
-Sorry, sweetie.

-Sorry, didn't see you there.
-Didn't see you.

Well, my plane landed a little late.

How was your reunion?

I'll tell you,
everybody was so self-absorbed

with their divorces
and their child custody battles

that it was nearly impossible to steer
them back to me and my engagement.

There you go.

That's why I hate reunions. I'll come up
with any excuse I can to avoid...

Well, no, this was real.
I actually went to Washington.

Look, I stole you a White House coaster

to go with your collection
of pilfered memorabilia.

Thank you, sweetie.

You know me so well.

See, that's why we're never gonna have
the problems that my friends have.

You wouldn't believe the idiotic reasons
that broke up their marriages.

I mean, who cares what television show
you watch before you go to bed?

Well, exactly. Nightline.

Or TV Land.

Whatever.

What difference does it make
if you spend every Sunday

coordinating bathroom towels
with wallpaper?

Or going to the driving range.

-Whatever.
-Whatever.

The important thing is
I'm gonna wake up every morning

with your arms around me like this.

Well, actually, to be strictly honest,

it will be more like this because I sleep
on the left side of the bed.

But

that's my side.

Well, not anymore.

But Jews always lie to the left of center.

Politically, Fran. Not Posturepedically.

Well, now, wait a minute here.

It seems like I'm making
all the compromises.

I mean, I'm the one that's moving out
of my place.

-I'm moving into your place.
-Yes, well, your place is my place

and my place is where it's always been,

on the left side of the bed.
It's been there for 40 years.

Yeah, well, I've been on the left side
for... Nice try.

You know, one of these days you are
gonna have to tell me your exact age.

All right. Fine.

You sleep on the left.

Thank you, Niles.

Do you have anymore
of that Miss Babcock cake?

Tons and tons.

Just as in life, no one's touched her.

Ma, do you think that it's bad
that me and Mr. Sheffield are

already fighting
and we aren't even married yet?

Darling, do you realize that your father
and I wouldn't even speak

if it weren't for fighting?

That and ordering.

You know, Fran, it's healthy
to get out all your differences

-before you make a commitment.
-I suppose.

Look, Kenny and I had to work through
a lot of things

before I would let him live with me.

Val, Kenny's a dog.

Let's just say, you know,
we're already fighting

over what side of the bed we sleep on.

Darling, trust me, once you have children,

you'll be too exhausted to fight.

You'll sleep wherever you land.

I guess you're right.

This is all so trivial.

I mean, the important thing is
Maxwell is a wonderful man

and we love each other.

We're gonna make
beautiful babies together.

All before I'm 30.

Who wants cake?

She's loaded with rum,
just like the original.

-Maxwell.
-Fran.

-I apologize.
-I'm sorry.

-You first.
-No, you first.

-No, you first.
-No, I insist. You first.

Look at this. We're fighting over
who ends the fight first.

Well, I did.

Well, technically it was me, but whatever.

Sweetie, if you want the left side
of the bed, you got the left side.

The point is, that is the bed that we are
gonna sleep on for the rest of our lives.

The bed we're gonna raise a family on.
The bed we're gonna...

-Excuse me?
-What?

A family?

Well, yeah, a family. I mean...

you know, we've never really discussed
this before, but

you do wanna have a family with me,
don't you?

Well, I... You know, I...

I haven't really given it
much thought yet.

I mean, we do have three children already.

Yes, and I love them
like they were my own, but,

well, I never got to experience them
taking their first steps.

I never got to rock them in my arms.

Except for that one time that Maggie came
home sick from a frat party.

What frat party?

Frap...

"Frap" party. Frappuccino, cappuccino.

All that caffeine made her very dizzy.

The point is,
I want to experience motherhood.

I wanna know what it feels like
to be pregnant.

I wanna wake up and throw up and be sick

and not just because I opened
my Visa bill.

Fran, the thing is, I'm not sure
I'm prepared to have more children.

Well, the time on my biological clock is
running out

so you better decide in the next 15 years.

Fran.

I wanna have a baby.

She wants a baby of her own.

Once that happens, you'll get shipped off
to some miserable boarding school.

Well, why?
You don't go to boarding school.

-You go to the same school I do.
-My father had a vasectomy.

Now, darling, I'm sure it's not half
as bad as it seems.

What could he have said?

He doesn't wanna have a baby.

Where is he? I'll kill him.

Five long years he strings me along

and then he pulls this crap on me
seven weeks before my wedding.

My wedding, Ma.

It's not natural.
I never heard of such a thing.

What man doesn't wanna procrastinate
with the woman he loves?

"Procreate", Ma.

I don't get it.

Why doesn't he wanna have children
with me?

I mean, is there some trait of mine

that he's afraid I'm gonna pass on
to the kids?

What could it be?

Amy Irving.

Ninety-two million she got
when she split from Spielberg.

You think she would have gotten nine cents
if she didn't have a kid with him?

Ma, what does that have to do with us?

I don't know. It just seemed pertinent.

Fran, I am telling you right now.

If I don't get grandchildren out of him,
I will never set foot in this house again.

Well, congratulations, Ma.

You have just invented the first
fool-proof male contraceptive.

Excuse me, sir. I put together
a little card to cheer up Miss Babcock.

-Would you care to sign?
-Oh, yes.

"Let's hope your recovery is faster
than your metabolism."

Niles?

I see what you're getting at.

Keep up the insults.

Maintain a sense of normalcy?

-Yeah.
-There you go.

Niles,

I need a little help with something.

Why can't Fran just be happy
with what she has?

I mean, we haven't even walked down
the aisle yet.

What are you talking about, sir?

Niles, are you telling me
that for the first time in 25 years

you don't know about something
that goes on in this house?

Yes.

What's happening to me?

Without Miss Babcock, me muse is gone.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Even before Miss Babcock was here,
you were always a big, fat gossip.

Excuse me.
I have better things to do than...

You thought I was fat?

Look, Fran wants to have a baby with me.

What? You've forgotten how to do it?

This is serious, Niles.

I'm not sure I...

I don't think I really wanna
go through that again.

You know, all the crying and the diapers

and the waking up at 4:00 in the morning.

Sir, it's really not so bad,
when you consider I did all that.

You know, come to think of it,
you are too old to have a baby.

I'm not that old.

You have three children already.

Why can't Miss Fine be happy with that?

Because they're not ours.

Having a baby is one of those things
that bonds a couple together.

That's why we're so close.

You know, maybe it would be fun
to have a baby around the house again.

Niles, do you remember
when the children were little,

that Christmas we all baked cookies

and I pretended to come down
the chimney as Santa Claus?

That was me too, sir.

You thought I should play Santa.

Probably because I was so fat.

What's wrong with Blossom?

Well, I'm worried about what's gonna
happen to me

after Fran and Daddy get married.

Gracie found a brochure
for boarding school.

Oh, man. What ages? What ages? Come on.

-Eight to 14.
-I'm cool. Write me.

Don't worry about him. He's an idiot.

I will always be here for you, Gracie.

Starting tomorrow. That's Rick.

Hi, sweetie.

What's the matter?

Okay, Fran.
I wanna calmly discuss the situation.

-Okay.
-I don't wanna go to the place

where I'm saying,
"I hate you! I hate you both!"

Gracie, honey.

What are you talking about?
What situation?

Well, it has to do with my friend.

Your friend?

Your friend.

Oh, my God. You got your friend.

-What?
-Don't worry, sweetie,

these mood swings are normal.

Before your cycle, during your cycle
and after your cycle.

No, Fran, I'm talking
about my friend Mary Ann.

She said that once you and Daddy
got married, you'd get rid of me.

And then I found this.

"Miss Porter's Boarding School"?

Sweetie, this has gotta be a mistake.

And it isn't nice for little girls
to go snooping

through their father's private mail.

I don't know where you learn
these things...

Maybe I shouldn't ask so many questions.

Come on. We'll go talk to your father.

Maxwell, we need to talk.

Now, it's one thing not to want
to have any more children with me,

but now to send my youngest off
to boarding school?

Well, if you had bothered to steal
the insert

that goes with that brochure,
you would know that it was actually

a summer drama camp
on Miss Porter's campus.

Well, I don't care what it is.

I am not sending poor little Gracie
off to some miserable camp.

Hey, Fran, wait. This place looks awesome.

Eighty-six it, honey.
I'm winning this compromise.

And furthermore, if this is the way
you're going to behave,

maybe it's a good thing
that we're not having a child together.

Fran, I'd like to re-visit
that discussion.

Go look at your fun brochure, honey.

Darling, it's not that I don't want
to have children with you.

It's just that we've waited so long
to be alone together.

Anyway, you have a lot of time
to have children.

You're still so young.

Come on. I mean, you got a point.

I want us to spend some time
traveling the world together.

Eating at exotic restaurants,

sipping champagne on beautiful yachts
as they pull into foreign ports.

Well, I was thinking about a weekend
in the Poconos

with a complimentary bagel breakfast,

but once again, I'll compromise.

I guess it's okay if we wait a while.

I mean, after all, you don't make a baby
necessarily on the first time out.

We're gonna need a lot of practice.

You know, you're awfully cute
when you compromise.

And you're awfully cute
when you tell me I'm awfully cute.

It's a bit more normalcy for Miss Babcock.

Got a stamp?

Oh, well, you see,
here's yet another reason

why I should be on
the left side of the bed,

because when I put my mini-fridge
in here, it's gonna open to the right.

You know, you could put in
a full-size in that corner

with a faux wooden door,

it would pass for an armoire.

Look, picture-in-picture.

Mister Ed, and who's Madeleine Albright?

She's the Secretary of State.

Now, would you please get out of my room?

Hon!