The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 13 - Call Me Fran - full transcript

Hi, Niles.

Miss Fine, the way you're dressed...

-What?
-You're dressed.

I'm taking my father to a basketball game
for his birthday

and, you know, he likes women
to dress so conservatively.

Is that why your mother
dresses so demurely?

Meanwhile, one time,
she bought this backless dress

and he made her return it
because it showed too much cleavage.

Cut too low in the front?

You wish the front.

Oh, hi, kids. Close the door. It's cold.



All right, Brighton,
the party starts at 8:30

and there's gonna be a lot
of hot chicks there, so you owe me.

Maggie's taking me to a mixer
at her sorority house.

Great.

Bring-a-geek party?

I, like, so own that trophy.

-Hi.
-Miss Fine, here we go.

Two center-court tickets
to tonight's basketball game.

I so appreciate you arranging
these tickets.

This is the first time I've been able
to afford to give my father

something really great.

They're comps, right?

Think of them as my gift to you.

-Thank you.
-Don't you look adorable today!



-Thank you.
-You could be Margaret's sister.

Well, sister, stepmother.

Niles, that's Daddy. Will you get it?

Good evening, Sylvia.

Niles, you smell delicious.

What is it? Ham?

Ma, what are you doing here?
Where's Daddy?

He couldn't make it, but he wanted us
to wave to him from the good seats.

He's not coming?

He didn't like my gift?

Sure he did.

He just wasn't feeling well.

He ate a whole box of Snausages.

Ma, the dog's been dead for five years.

You still kept her treats?

Although, you got her collar and leash
hanging in your bedroom closet.

But that's probably none of my business.

You're right, it's not.

I'm so disappointed.
I can't believe he's not coming.

I really wanted to see him.

So come on, we'll go.

I'm dying to see a basketball game.

I don't know how I put it off
for the past 50 years.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Defense!

What's the matter, darling?

I miss Daddy.

There's the camera, Fran!
There's the camera!

Happy birthday, Daddy! We love you!

Oh, boy.

It's a good thing I'm wearing jeans,

or that guy would've just taken
my temperature.

Pig.

Did you feel a ring?

You know, if you're not gonna
finish your pretzel

I'd like to take it home to Daddy.

Well, I thought he had an upset stomach.

Ma, were you lying to me?

I was half lying.

Why?

Well, he did eat a box of Snausages,
but it didn't bother him.

Well, why didn't he wanna come then?

Because he knew that the tickets
came from Mr. Sheffield.

So? It's not like I had to do anything
to get them.

Lord knows I'm the only one
burning the candle in that window.

Darling, he doesn't want to take anything
from Mr. Sheffield.

-Why?
-It breaks his heart

to see your young life being wasted
by a guy who's never gonna marry you.

I can't even talk about it.
I get all choked up.

Peanuts!

What's so funny?

Nothing. I was just thinking of that
hysterical J.J. Walker impression you do.

You know, you should really do that
for the sorority party.

You mean, "Dyn-o-mite."

Stop, stop.

-You're gonna peak too soon.
-Right.

Bring-a-geek party, right?

I remember well.

This baby brought me home gold.

Gracie. I'm sorry, honey,
they didn't have your choice

of Secrets & Lies at the video store.

But I got your second choice,
Operation Dumbo Drop.

That was your choice, Fran.

I know. I'm just a little depressed
and kind of needed an upper.

Well, what's wrong, Fran?

Sweetie, this is a grown-up problem
and you're a little girl.

My daddy doesn't like me.

-Let me.
-Okay.

Yeah.

All right, honey, talk to me.

What's wrong with this picture?

You mean because you're the adult
and I'm the child?

No, I mean because you didn't
bring a fork.

But the other thing is true too.

So, what happened with your father?

You know, he doesn't approve
of the relationship

between me and your daddy.

He doesn't know what me
and your father have together.

I don't know what we--
Why, have you heard anything?

Fran, you're a grown woman. You're over--

Five feet tall.

So?

Why is it so important,
what your father thinks?

He's always finding fault
with everything I do.

I mean, I can never please the man.

Fran, what does Dr. Miller say,

when you talk about your father
in therapy?

I haven't even finished talking
about when my mother took me

trick or treating Halloween
dressed as Catwoman.

Why she had a black latex body suit
hanging--

Oh, well, I guess,
that's none of my business either.

Dr. Miller, I'm so sorry
to barge in on you this way.

I hope it's not too much of an imposition.

It's all right, Fran, even though
it's not your regular appointment,

being drilled by needles
feels oddly similar.

Now, where was I?

Your father disapproves of you.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Thank you, Ken.

You know what, Fran?
I'd like run a Rorschach test on you.

Rorschach? From Welcome Back, Kotter?

Would you pick up one of those
inkblot cards and tell me what you see?

Oh, yeah.
You mean with this black schmear?

Well, I don't know. I guess I see
a gorgeous, off-the-shoulder

Vera Wang, white wedding dress.

You see a white wedding dress
in that black ink?

Yeah. You know, this is the negatives.

The proofs haven't come in yet.

Fran, don't you see the connection here?

You've come in with a crisis
about your father

and jump right to marriage.

Wait a minute. Are you saying
that I wanna be married to my father?

Because if that is buried
in my subconscious,

let's just build a Home Depot over it
and move on.

I'm saying that marriage
is the ultimate expression

of acceptance and love.
That's what you want from your father.

And that's why you keep seeking out
men like him.

So you mean I seek out distant
and repressed men

that keep me at arm's length?

Who?

-Mr. Sheffield.
-Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, my God.

I have been chasing after men
that reject me

just like my father, my whole life.

Dr. Miller, you're a genius.

-Can you believe this?
-Niles!

What?

Sir, would you believe
she put these things in my hand,

while I was asleep on the couch?

That sleep part was a bad defense,
wasn't it?

At the risk of sounding like the doctor
who delivered you,

this could get ugly.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

I just came from a therapy session
and we've got to talk.

Miss Fine, you've been talking
for a solid hour.

Aren't you talked out?
Well, that's a silly question.

All right, Miss Fine, what's on your mind?

Well, first off all,
don't you think that's it a little strange

that we've known each other for five years
and you're still calling Miss Fine?

Well, Niles calls you Miss Fine.

That's different. He's the butler.
I get a charge out of that.

You call me Miss Fine
to keep at arm's length.

Now, hold it right there. That's not true.

People's exhibit A.

Do you know what I've discovered?

You are exactly like my father.

-That's absurd.
-No.

I've never met your father.

No one has. I'm not even sure
he bloody well exists.

Well, he does and I have been chasing
after his love my entire life.

Do you know that he is at the root
of every doomed relationship

I've ever had?

I'm completely screwed up.

I'm a basket case.

And there is only one way for me
to achieve any kind of mental health.

You have got to change, mister.

Well, it's been three whole days
and Mr. Sheffield hasn't changed at all.

I don't know. Maybe I was too subtle.

Well, that's always been your downfall.

Well, I'll tell you, this whole thing
with my father has gotten me so confused.

I mean, where do I go from here?

Trying to get some guy's approval
has always been my whole raisinet.

Meanwhile, if I could blame my father

for why I'm gonna end up
alone and miserable,

I'd be the happiest girl in the world.

Fran, as far as you and Daddy goes,

you've got to redefine
the boundaries of your relationship.

You're his nanny and nothing more.

That should be a smooth transition.

You know, Val, all those hard knocks
have made you a little bitchy.

Would you look at her?

She is baking cookies for herself.

She is so independent.

Well, I'll tell you, she's not looking
for some guy's approval.

That kid is the answer
to all women in the future.

Right.

Gracie, I said chocolate chip,
not oatmeal raisin. Come on.

Well, I guess I can't do anything right.

-Mr. Sheffield.
-Miss Fine, don't you look lovely.

You like? Don't compliment me.

How am I gonna break the habit
of needing your approval

if now you start giving it to me?

Here. That's my schedule.

Those are my hours.

You're the boss, I'm the nanny.
I'm on a coffee break. Goodbye.

Now, come on, Miss Fine.
Don't be so foolish.

And please let's keep
a professional distance.

That was just for the road.

Niles, I don't know what the woman
wants anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

-May I speak freely, sir?
-Yes, of course, old boy.

I am so bloody sick of hearing this
year after year.

"Niles, what am I to do? I told her
I loved her. I took it back.

I'm afraid of commitment. I'm worried
about the children."

For God's sake, make a move!

Do something! You passed on Cats.

Do you wanna regret this
for the rest of your life too?

-What's going on in there?
-I have had it.

I am trying to convince him to give up
on Miss Fine and move on with his life.

I agree with Niles!

What are you waiting for? Just do it!

Do it! Do it!

Hi, Ma.

I brought you a cake
from the health food bakery.

It's flourless, sugarless, and dairy free.

Darling, I didn't know you were coming.
I'm going to the gym.

Are you really going to the gym?

This is my second time.

I went once to join
and now I'm going to renew.

Ma, I'm very upset.
I really need to talk to you.

I'm sticking to my diet, darling,
so if you're looking for Entenmann's...

-the cupboards are bare.
-No cookies?

No Count Chocula?

No nothing?

I mean, I'm depressed here, Ma.
I need some junk.

Have some bread.

I don't want bread. I need sweet.

Have the bread.

Look at this, a Jewish piñata.

So, what are you so upset about, darling?

I had a big breakthrough in therapy.
All about Daddy.

So, what did that con artist tell you?

That everything that's wrong
with your life is your father's fault?

-Yes, Ma.
-Thank God it's not me.

Ma, why don't Daddy and I connect?

I mean, after Nadine was born,
did he really want a son?

No. He loved his girls.

Then how come he always
dressed me like a tomboy?

I mean, there are pictures of me
sitting on Daddy's lap.

You'd swear I was a KD Lang dummy.

Darling, you're grasping at straws there.

Your father adored you.

He just had trouble expressing himself,

so he's a little distant.
It's just his way.

You know, children tend to idealize
their parents when they're growing up.

You know, they don't see that,
underneath this veneer

we're not sophisticated people.

Well, meanwhile, Dr. Miller says
that I'm attracted to men

that always keep me at a distance

because that's the way Daddy treated me.

You know, your father always did his best.

But he's not going to change.

You know, you should focus
on changing yourself, not him.

You know, Ma, you are absolutely right.

Of course, I'm right.

I've gotta change myself.

As long as I'm living under the same roof
with Mr. Sheffield,

I am always gonna feel this way.

Naturally. What?

I gotta move out of that mansion
and get on with my life.

What life? You're two shakes away
from being a cleaning lady.

Wish me luck, Ma.

I'm gonna cut out my tongue.
That's not what I meant!

Fran, your father did this!
Why are you punishing me?

Stay back, Ma. I know what I gotta do.

I'll kill that shrink bastard.

Look what he's done to my little girl.

What is going on in here?

Ma, leave us alone.
I have to talk to Mr. Sheffield.

I am not moving from this spot.

Come, Sylvia, we'll wait in the kitchen.

Look, Mr. Sheffield, I keep hoping
that if I hang around here long enough,

deep down inside, you're going to change.

But I've come to realize that my father
is never going to change

and I have to accept that in you too.

So, what does this mean?

That this arrangement
is not going to work out anymore.

Well, are you saying you're quitting?

Yeah.

Yeah, we've been together
for so many years,

you still don't know what you want.

I just think that it's a healthier
decision for me to make.

Miss Fine, I understand
how you're feeling, I really do,

but I don't understand--

Mr. Sheffield, genug already.
It's too late.

I've made up my mind. I have to do this.

No, please don't go, Miss Fine.
Miss Fine, come back.

Fran, wait.

You're right.

You're right. I suppose I have

kept you at arm's length.

Maybe it's because I have a genuine fear
of intimacy.

I don't know. I just do know
that I don't want you to go.

Fran?

Fran.

Does this mean you're gonna start calling
me Fran now, all the time?

Well, not in front of children.

-Well how about Niles and C.C.?
-That wouldn't be very professional.

-What about Ma?
-Miss Fine.

-Ciao.
-Fran.

That's better.

-Good night, Fran.
-Wait. Wait.

I gotta tell you.

Maggie's taking you
to a bring-a-geek party.

Fran, I know that. What am I, stupid?

I'm going there to meet girls.
That's why I'm wearing my cool clothes.

Good. Good.

-Well, have fun, honey.
-Thanks, Fran.

-And, B.
-Yeah?

You know, sweetie,

it probably wouldn't hurt
to just work the words "trust fund"

right into the conversation. Have fun.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.