The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 12 - One False Mole and You're Dead - full transcript

Happy New Year, Isaac.

Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

Maxwell, look at the poster I had made

to convince Margo to do our show,
Marie Antoinette.

Now, listen, when she gets here,
I don't want any screw-ups.

What are you doing?

I'm sniffing for Alberto VO5, Top Ramen,
anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.

I told you, she's out of the house.

Okay, okay.

Look, I had them paint
on Margo's trademark mole.

Isn't it amazing
how one bodily imperfection



can make someone famous?

Then you should be known worldwide.

Maxwell, have you noticed how calm
the house is without Nanny Fine here?

No one to get in the way or make a scene.

No idiotic stunts just to meet
a movie star.

Miss Lange, sir.

-Maxwell.
-Margo.

You've met my associate, C.C. Babcock.

Yes, we lunched at Spago. I adored her.

Is she here?

That's me, Margo.

Now, about my co-star.

I was thinking about that delicious
Lopez boy from Saved by the Bell.

What is he, 18?



Next to him, you'll look... less French.

Maxwell, darling, do something.
Your gardener is gawking at me.

Would you excuse me a minute?

There's a wandering Jew on the terrace
that needs transplanting.

Are you insane?
What are you doing out here?

I mean, don't you push me.

Don't you realize
that Margo Lange is inside?

Of course I do.

-Hello, Miss Margo Lange.
-Miss Fine!

-What are you doing to me?
-I'm so sorry.

-Oh my God.
-What are you doing?

Miss Lange, your famous mole.

-Where is it?
-What?

Here it is.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

This is Cindy Adams from New York
and have I got dirt for you.

A certain Park Avenue butler signed
a $3 million book deal.

And here's how he did it.

Miss Fine!

Would you excuse us, please?
I'd like a word alone with Ernest.

You had to meet her in person.

My telephoto lens and parabolic dish
weren't good enough for you.

I'm not gonna yell.

I'm not gonna scream.

I just want to have a conversation,
like rational, mature adults.

With me?

Now, we both know
what the most important thing

in a relationship is, don't we?

Forgiveness?

No. Trust!

Trust is the most important thing!

Do you realize Margo Lange has one
of the most recognizable faces

in the world because of that mole?

Can you imagine what would happen
if word got out it were fake?

Well, excuse me, but are you implying
that I cannot keep this thing a secret?

Come on, Miss Fine. The only secret
safe with you is your age.

Barry Scheck and a whole drum
of sodium pentothal

couldn't drag that out.

Well, I find it very hurtful
that you think that I have nothing better

to do than to pass idle gossip.

Who cares if her fakakta mole is a fake?
Big deal.

I was just trying to lighten
up the conversation.

I know, you tend to get nervous
when you have to go to the doctor's.

I'm not scared of the examination.

I'm talking about getting weighed.

Now, did you write down the stuff you ate
yesterday like the doctor asked you to?

Let me see.

Ma, you did really well.
I'm proud of you.

Look at this.

Oprah gained back all the weight.

That poor girl!

1989.

-Well, look who's on the cover.
-Again with her?

So Margo Lange's mole is fake.

-Who cares?
-Ma.

Who's gonna hear? Liz Smith?

Meanwhile, I had six moles
taken off my back.

You didn't care.
You didn't even send a card.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit here?
There's a draft.

No. Not at all.

Meanwhile, you smell delicious.
What have you got on?

Thank you. It's called Gossip. Take mine.

That's very nice of you. Thanks.

Don't get too chummy.
You're in a doctor's office.

You never know what somebody's got.

So tell me, what do you do,
a gorgeous gal like you?

-Act, model, what?
-I'm just a housewife.

Sylvia, Dr. Hirsch is ready for you.

-Hi.
-Hi, Estelle.

-Hi, Fran.
-Are you doing okay?

It's nice to see you.

Who is that young lady?
She looks so familiar to me.

You know Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?

-Yeah.
-That's his nanny.

Can you believe?

Five years she's working for him,
still hasn't proposed.

Cancel my appointment.

It's Cindy. Scrap my segment.

I'm reshooting and I want it on tonight.

You bet it's big!

Well, the thing is,
Ma absolutely has to lose weight.

So, we can't keep food
in the house anymore.

Help me scarf back some of this Godiva.

Fran, you can't control
what your mother eats.

She doesn't live here.

When did she move out?

I'm so glad that I don't have
a weight problem.

I can eat anything I want.

-Pizza, ice cream...
-You know, me too. Candy, cake.

Must be in our genes.

Meanwhile, when Ma was your ages,
she was thinner than both of you.

Maxwell!

Maxwell, the Gossip Channel is gonna plug
our Marie Antoinette musical.

Mazel tov!

Now, Margo is still willing to do it,
despite the incident.

We just have to keep her real happy.

In Los Angeles, Rob McCormick,
and in New York, Cindy Adams.

-Who is that?
-Cindy Adams, the columnist.

-This is Cindy Adams from New York...
-I know her.

Big news from the Great White Way
involving the latest

from too-handsome-for-words producer,
Maxwell Sheffield.

She's the only columnist I respect.

Starring in his next outing
is none other than

the queen of the beauty marks,
Margo Lange.

Now I know where I know her from.

Well, kiddies, I've got a little outing
of my own to do.

The mole is fake.

And this comes straight
from Maxwell Sheffield's nanny.

Miss Fine!

Freeze!

Do you hate me? Is that what it is?

Are you trying to get back at me
for back-peddling in our relationship?

-Is that what this is all about?
-No.

No. This is a personality disorder.

Yeah, it's-- You know, when you watch
your mother fry up your Mr. Potato Head,

it scars you.

You know, you're--

You're my "cryptomide,"
that's what you are.

You're the only thing that can hurt me.

Not the critics, not the actors' union,
not the bloody IRS.

"Kryptonite." You mean the stuff
that could hurt Superman--

Who the hell cares what it is?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
I was just telling Ma in confidence.

I mean, who knew that Cindy Adams was
the one that would give me this perfume?

Gossip by Cindy Adams.

Miss Fine, you remember our conversation
about trust?

Yeah. Why?

You realized you and I cannot have
a relationship if I can't trust you.

And...

Now, it seems fairly obvious... I can't.

Meanwhile, I have never seen
Mr. Sheffield so upset.

He was dead serious. He hates me.

He reviles me.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he never talked to me again.

This is gonna set the engagement way back.

Has anyone noticed
how I haven't touched the cake?

Yeah, Ma, you're doing really good.

-Yeah.
-I'm so proud of you.

-Thank you.
-Meanwhile, Val, did you taste

these double-chocolate brownies stuffed
with cheesecake centers?

Please, I'm still working on this cannoli.

-It's got chips.
-Let me taste.

Let me have a knife.

Why, you're not gonna cheat, are you?

For my wrists.

You know, Sylvia,
my mother joined the Diet Center,

and she has lost 120 pounds.

Another 50, and she can
start sleeping upstairs again.

What are you digging for, Ma?

I'm making sure I remembered my phone.

Sammy's calling me from Florida
and I don't wanna miss him.

I just can't believe what I did
to poor Margo Lange.

There's gotta be a way that I can help
Mr. Sheffield out of this jam.

Well, Fran, why don't you just go to her
and beg her for mercy?

You know, tell her what you did
to Elton John and to Elizabeth Taylor.

And to Cher. And to Bette Midler.
Lamb Chop!

Well, this would pale by comparison,
really.

Well, if no one is gonna have anymore
of the cake, I'm gonna put it away.

That's okay.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Smart, yeah, Ma. Very smart.

Stop her!

She's got the cake! Stop her!

Sometimes I wonder
where those two nuts came from.

Hello.

Magda, the dog-walker's back!

Good boy, good boy.
Bad boy, bad boy!

Well, there's good news and bad news.

The good news is Booboo did his business.
The bad news is he did it in there.

You-- You assassin!

Miss Lange, I don't blame you
for being angry at me.

Where's that .45 automatic
Chuck Heston gave me?

Please, if you'll just give me a minute
of your time.

To what? Finish me off?

Okay.

Fake.

Now, get out.

-Fake?
-Real.

That's what fake-fake will get you.

Miss Lange, please, this is all my fault.

Don't take it out on Mr. Sheffield
and quit his play.

Do you honestly think I'm gonna show
my face on a Broadway stage?

I won't even leave this apartment.

So, what are you gonna do? Live in exile?

Let the sunshine in.

This is yesterday's news.

Nobody cares about that.

Anyhoo.

You know, I have this great idea

that would just turn this whole negative
into a positive.

Please, Miss Lange,

if you'll just hear me out,
I will do anything.

Fine, clean up after the puppy.

Mr. Sheffield, do I have exciting news
for you.

I know.
I just got off the phone with Margo.

She's back in my show.
Now, how on earth did you do it?

Well, Margo swore me to secrecy.

You know, one slip of the tongue
can ruin it.

I cannot speak to a living soul about it.

Well, wait.
Are you telling me you don't trust me?

I thought we had a relationship.

Now, wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

We've got a relationship,
but only when it's convenient for you?

I can live with that.

Let me tell you. Here it is.

We are going to market
artificial Margo Lange beauty marks

and sell it on the Internet.

-Come on. You can tell me.
-That's it.

And I thought of it all by myself.

-That I believe.
-Stop it.

Look at you with your big head,
sitting around, drooling.

Put a toupee on you,
you could be my father.

You know, Margo, I don't like kids
any more than you do, but it's history.

Marie and Louis had two children.

We can't just get rid of them.

What about a plague?
Weren't there plagues back then?

Hey partner, I've got some
great marketing ideas to run by you.

Marketing ideas? Didn't you read
this morning's Wall Street Journal?

No, but how funny was The Wizard of Id
this morning?

My dear, Coty came out
with a fake beauty mark.

Someone stole our idea.

No.

You mean there's a mole
in our mole organization?

Those are the breaks, darling.

So, you mean that's it?

All our hopes and dreams
just went down the drain?

Well, just yours.

I'm up for the role of Succubus Queen
on Xena, Warrior Princess.

Niles, where's Miss Fine?

She hasn't been out all day.
Poor thing's been going

out of her mind trying to decide
who blabbed and sabotaged her dream.

-What's that?
-Soup.

-For whom?
-Miss Fine.

-Where'd you get it?
-I made it.

You blabbed, didn't you?

Niles, I was at the Friars Club
with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner.

They're so bloody funny.
I was desperate for an amusing anecdote.

So, you're sitting with the men who wrote
the classic "2000 Year Old Man" routine,

and you tried to wow them
with the mole story.

All right. Just drop it, would you, Niles?

What am I gonna do about it?
This was her dream, Niles.

She was excited
about this cosmetics business,

and I went and ruined the whole thing
by opening my big mouth.

There's just no way
I can make this up to her.

Well, you could propose.

Would you get serious, Niles?

Just get off that track, would you?

And finally, once in your life, come up
with something I could actually use.

Mr. Sheffield, I'm so miserable.

I keep trying to think.

Who? Who would do this to me?

-Marry me.
-It was you?

You blabbed and you think

that by proposing,
it's gonna make up for it?

Well, you thought right, baby.

-Niles, wait till you hear.
-I heard.

Talk about fate.

I mean, if I hadn't washed off
Margo Lange's mole,

we never would've gone
into business together,

Mr. Sheffield never would've blabbed,
and he never would've--

-He never would have...
-What?

Niles.

Who am I kidding here?

I don't want a proposal
from a man out of guilt.

Oh, God. 12 generations of Fine women
just rolled over.

No, but that's no way for us
to start our lives together.

But I don't understand.
Isn't this what you've been working for?

It is, isn't it?

But I want him to ask me
because he can't imagine

his life without me.

Because he really means it.

I kind of think I deserve that.

So, you're actually going to
let him out of it?

Yeah, I am.

Boy, I come a long way, huh?

There you are.

Come on, Niles, why don't you crack open
a bottle of champagne?

Let's celebrate.

You mean that proposal out there?

I didn't take that seriously.

I just wanted to see you sweat.

What?

You know, you should have seen the look
on your face when I said yes.

It's just about as good as the look
on Ma's face when I tell her I said no.

Why don't we just forget the whole thing
ever happened, huh?

Well, once again, you managed to get
yourself out of it.

Yes, only this time, I'm not quite sure
I really wanted to.

Schmooey, I'm so proud
of my little Sylvalah.

You're doing so good with your diet.

Yeah, Sylvia. I gotta say, I'm impressed.

Thank you.