The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 9 - Tattoo - full transcript
When Maggie states that she wants to get a tattoo - which Fran will not allow - it comes to light via Val that Fran got a tattoo when they were in high school. Sylvia is mortified. Although Maxwell also doesn't want Maggie to get a tattoo, he is quite intrigued about Fran's since he doesn't know where it is and thus it must be somewhere on her body hidden underneath what little clothing she usually wears (it's on her derrière). To appease Sylvia, Fran makes an appointment with a doctor to get it removed, but she has no intention of actually going through with it since Maxwell is so intrigued by it. Although she doesn't tell him, Fran decides she's going to show it to Maxwell by organizing a family beach vacation where she'll wear a thong to show it off. After a chat with Grace, Fran changes her mind as she doesn't think this the best time to lure Maxwell into a sexual relationship. However, they're both now so hot and bothered that they have to relieve their sexual energies in another way.
Where's the camera?
Where's the camera?
What do you need
to take a picture of?
Well, I'm off to make
the keynote speech
at the Theatre Guild.
Miss Babcock,
you can't go like that.
Nanny Fine,
I will be speaking
to Broadway impresarios.
But I will seek
your fashion expertise
next time I'm dancing in a cage.
Uh, you don't need your coat,
it's not cold.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, God, that's not fair.
That was going
to be my Christmas card.
Oh, now, cheer up, Niles.
You know,
there are people out there
with real problems who don't
even have a reason to live.
Oh!
- Hi, sweetie, muah.
- Hi!
Fran,
you're never gonna believe this.
- I am standing here
- Yeah.
- Talking to you
- Yeah.
In size six pants.
Oh, my God, Val,
you haven't been a size six
since you were six.
I know. I know.
Oh, Miss Toriello,
that's not a six, it's a nine.
Oh,
fudge brownie or rocky road?
What do you mean "or"?
Fran, Fran, listen, listen.
A bunch of my girlfriends are
getting tattoos this Saturday.
- Yeah? -Now, I need you
to help me out with Dad.
Oh, sure, honey,
I'll invite him
for a nice romantic dinner,
candlelight, champagne,
lobster, soft music.
And then you think
he'll go for it?
Well, he better,
'cause I'm running out of ideas.
Oh, you mean, about the tattoo?
Oh, no, honey,
you ain't getting a tattoo.
- But, Fran...
- Honey,
as long as I am living
under your roof,
you'll do as I say.
Fran, what is the big deal?
You got a tattoo
when we were in high school.
All: You have a tattoo?
My daughter has a tattoo?
I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to stick my head
in the oven and kill myself.
Are these crab cakes done?
( Mouths )
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
My daughter has a tattoo.
I'm going to be sick.
Niles, quick,
get me something bubbly.
Club soda?
You got any Hershey's Syrup?
Of all the schmucky things
that you did as a kid,
nothing compares to this.
Fran, you have broken my heart.
You've shattered my dreams.
I don't even want to live!
Hey, pokey,
how long does an egg cream take?
When did you do this?
Remember when Val and I
were going to Hadassah
to audition for
"Jesus Christ Superstar"?
Which incidentally
should have been a clue.
♪ She's a maniac ♪
♪ Maniac on the floor ♪
♪ And she's dancing like she's
never danced before ♪
You know, Fran,
these tattoos are permanent.
I mean,
what if you and Danny break up?
Val, he said he loves me.
Hmm.
I'm not gonna be with someone
that says he loves me
- and then takes it back.
- Ah.
( Woman screams )
Either of you AB positive?
- No.
- No.
Sorry.
Wow,
I gotta lay off the espresso.
So, you got ID?
- Uh, no.
- No.
Well, you gotta buy some
or I can't tattoo you.
Oh, okay.
All right. All right. Here.
- Ten bucks.
- Here.
Okay. Oh, thanks.
Want a beer?
Both: Yeah!
Let me see your ID.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Cool.
Okay.
Oh, look,
you've got Charles and Di.
Gee, I hope that comes off.
I have a very bad feeling
about that marriage.
Oh, Val, you're so stupid.
Where's he going with
those big ears?
Yeah, man, I hope you're right.
I'm still sore from
turning Sonny into Gregg Allman.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this
to your family?
Would you like some more,
Sylvia?
What, did we just meet?
Where was I?
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this
to your family?"
Boy, it really loses something
in the gentile translation.
You know, this time you
haven't just defied your mother.
This time you defied God.
If you have a tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
And unless you have it removed,
consider yourself disowned.
( Fran gasps )
Ma!
You know, this has nothing
to do with you and me.
( Clears throat )
Come on, Niles.
Obviously, you're dying to tell
me something, so what is it?
It's a secret?
You've promised not
to say a word?
Two words.
Uh, it's a... It's a person.
Who is it?
The Thompsons' butler?
Miss Fine!
What about Miss Fine?
Well, j-just tell me.
Just tell me, Niles, or you're...
She has a tattoo.
Miss Fine has a tattoo?
She does?
Oh, such keen hearing, and look,
she brought a newspaper.
Good girl.
Niles, don't you think
it's time you came up
with some fresh material?
Something I haven't heard?
How about,
"Can you stay the night?"
Oh, Niles!
When do you have time to come
up with these clever retorts?
It must be that half-hour
between scraping pigeon poop
off the stoop and fighting
shower fungus.
So, Miss Fine has a tattoo, eh?
Oh, I'm shocked.
How out of character for
Nanny Fine to do something
cheap and vulgar.
Shameful.
I... I wonder where it is.
Well, obviously on a part of
her body hidden by clothing.
Oh, well, let's see,
that narrows it down to,
what, Niles, about 2 inches?
( Both laughing )
Well,
I remember the tattoo being
higher on your tush.
It was, Val.
Oh, come on, Fran.
Please talk to Dad for me.
I mean, you remember
when you were 17, right?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, it was a very good year.
Better not be that good for you.
Mr. Sheffield.
Miss Fine.
Are you okay?
Hmm? Oh.
I'm... I'm thigh, fanks.
( Sighs )
Let me ask you something.
How do you feel about tattoos?
Oh, uh, well, Miss Fine, uh,
seeing as you asked, uh,
as a matter of fact, uh,
I'm a little intrigued
by the idea of painted flesh
hidden on some part of the body
reserved only
for that special someone to...
Well, um...
Tattoos are okay in my book.
Thanks, Daddy.
What was that?
Uh, well,
you just gave your daughter
permission to get a tattoo.
What? I'd... I'd never let
Margaret get a tattoo.
Well,
you just said you loved tattoos.
Miss Fine,
I was talking about on you!
( Gasps )
Fran, how can you stand
there like that
with the door wide open?
Mr. Sheffield could walk by
and see you.
Not if you don't move, Val.
I just found out that
he is really turned on
by a certain little tattoo.
Ugh,
that guy from Fantasy Island?
Oh, excuse me, Miss Fine, uh,
have you talked
to Margaret about that little
tattoo business yet?
Yeah, I talked to her.
It's all under control.
Don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
Maxwell: Where the hell is it?
My God,
bloody Waldo is easier to spot.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely nothing.
I'll just, uh, I'll just
be getting off... Uh, along.
Oh, wow.
The guy is obviously
so turned on by you.
What's taking him so long
to make a move?
Uh, you know, he's afraid
that the kids will suffer
if it doesn't work out.
He is just so afraid of change.
Why do you think I stay 29?
- It's for him.
- Oh.
Fran, if you think this
tattoo is your secret weapon,
how come you made a doctor's
appointment
to take it off your butt?
Oh, that's just a consultation,
Val.
The only thing I'm getting off
my butt is Ma.
This baby is staying.
Now, what is it about a tattoo
that guys find such a turn-on?
It's very erotic, Val.
I mean, you know,
it's the lure of the forbidden.
You know,
it's like when we date a guy
and suddenly he find out
he drives a Sara Lee truck.
- Oh, yeah.
- Same thing.
Yeah.
I got it now.
Dr. Roberts,
could you make me look like...
Nope.
But they do have a new
procedure that freezes
the muscles in your face
so you never get lines.
So I'd never be able
to smile again?
That's right.
- You married?
- No.
- You rich?
- No.
So what do you got
to smile about?
Don't worry.
He's a very good surgeon.
Although I didn't care
for the way
he lifted Aunt Lottie's boobs.
Well, on the bright side,
now she doesn't have
to wear shoulder pads anymore.
- Um, Doctor.
- Yeah?
You know, we're here to find out
what you can do about this.
Uh-oh.
This is much more serious
than I imagined.
Oh?
This thing is cracked.
( laughs )
So, uh,
what exactly is the problem?
Can you remove that tattoo?
I can take it off
for you next Tuesday.
Well, wait a minute.
Is it gonna scar?
Is it gonna hurt?
Yes, and ouch.
Fran, if you keep that tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
It's either a bruised tuches
or spending all of eternity
without your family.
Can you make it bigger?
Oh, Val, I just love
this new bathing suit I got.
You think Mr. Sheffield will be
able to see my tattoo in this?
Fran, he'll be able
to see your liver in that.
Now I just gotta figure out
an excuse to wear it.
Oh, wait, there's a four-day
weekend coming up.
Oh, oh, kids, kids!
- Come down here.
- Wait a second.
Won't Mr. Sheffield be
a little suspicious
you're suddenly planning a trip?
No, he worries when I'm not
working him for a free vacation.
- Oh?
- Kids, oh...
Fran, what's up?
What's going on?
Where's your sister? Gracie!
Uh, Fran, she's down the street.
She's not gonna hear you.
Oh.
What is it, Fran?
Hey,
there's a four-day weekend
coming up.
- Where should we go?
- Uh, the Hamptons.
- Skiing.
- Horseback riding.
Bermuda it is.
Ah. Well, Miss Fine,
this is the perfect place
for a family vacation.
Mm-hmm.
Here's tattoo.
I mean, to you.
Maxwell: My God.
I hope she didn't hear that.
Fran: Oh, is this gonna
be a piece of cake.
You know, Mr. Sheffield,
Brighton and Maggie are
gonna be at the disco
for at least another hour.
So that'll give us a chance
to talk,
you know, about the kids,
the house.
Fran: Did I remember to wax?
Well, we're on vacation,
Miss Fine.
A little time alone
together will give me a chance
to see a side of you
I haven't seen.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think you've seen just
about all my sides.
Oh, only your good side,
Miss Fine.
I've yet to see your backside.
Bad side!
So, you've done wonders
with the children.
I'm... I'm amazed
at how Brighton
is really applying himself
this year
I have to say I was little
concerned about his Math grades.
Yeah, well, you know it was
very wise to hire a tutor.
Oh, yeah.
Fran: Yada yada yada.
We're drifting.
Gotta get this puppy
back on track.
Oh, boy, I'll tell you,
it is so humid here.
How about a swim?
Fran: And we're there.
Great idea.
You know what?
I'll go change
into my bathing suit,
I'll tuck Gracie in,
and I'll be right back.
Fran: Watch me work this walk.
Oy, that's a turn-on.
Well, good night, sweetie.
Sweet dreams. Love you.
Fran.
What?
You know I can't sleep
when we're on a trip.
Will you sleep with me?
Fran: Uh.
Right words, wrong Sheffield.
Okay, honey.
Why don't you just rest?
Maybe you'll get sleepy.
- Sleepy yet?
- Nope.
Would you be for 10 bucks?
How about a story?
Oh, honey,
it's getting really late.
I'm not gonna go to sleep
unless you tell me...
Okay, here's the story
about a man named Jed,
a poor mountaineer barely
kept his family fed.
Fran.
Fran.
You gotta get a life.
I'm trying!
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Why don't you
just close your eyes?
Okay. Shh.
- Fran?
- Yeah.
Will you promise me you'll stay
with us forever?
Honey, I'm counting on it.
Sometimes I worry
that everything's gonna change.
Um, well,
you know, sometimes a little
change is a good thing.
- No, it's not.
- Why?
'Cause if you don't like it,
you can never go back
to the way things were.
- But what if you do like it?
- What if you don't?
Well, what's it to you?
Maxwell: Oh, God,
what am I doing?
This is a test, isn't it?
Yeah, you want to see
if I can control myself.
I'm going to prove something
to you once and for all.
I can't.
Oh, Miss Fine.
Why aren't you in your thong?
I mean, thuit.
Bathing suit.
You know, I really didn't feel
like changing.
Um,
I don't think it's the right
time for us to take a swim.
Right.
Right, I, uh, yes, I understand.
Hmm.
How about now?
Actually, I... I was thinking
of maybe playing a nice
friendly game of ping-pong.
Ah.
Yes, ping-pong.
- Right.
- Safe.
Fun.
( Maxwell clears throat )
- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
- Oh, you.
- Whoop.
( laughs )
Up-de-do.
- To you.
- Hup.
- Hup. Hup.
- Hup. Hup.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
( grunts )
Oh!
( Panting and moaning )
( laughing )
Wow.
( Sighing )
Chinese or Italian?
Both.
Thank you.
Fran,
I know you're still in pain
from getting your
tattoo removed,
but I'm still getting one
when I turn 18.
Well, not if you want
to be buried next
to your husband
in a Jewish cemetery.
Well, I'm not Jewish.
Honey, don't be so selfish.
You know I live vicariously
through you.
Oh, you want your donut?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, isn't it ironic?
Every donut I touch ends up
on my hips.
Oh, Ma, how sweet.
You brought me a chocolate-chip
danish to ease my pain.
Uh,
yeah.
Sweetheart,
I'm so glad you took my advice.
Now you can be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
Otherwise,
we would have had to dig a hole
in the backyard.
Next to Boo Boo the cat.
Ah, Ma, Boo Boo didn't die.
He ran away.
Ah, yeah.
( Jazz music playing )
Where's the camera?
What do you need
to take a picture of?
Well, I'm off to make
the keynote speech
at the Theatre Guild.
Miss Babcock,
you can't go like that.
Nanny Fine,
I will be speaking
to Broadway impresarios.
But I will seek
your fashion expertise
next time I'm dancing in a cage.
Uh, you don't need your coat,
it's not cold.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, God, that's not fair.
That was going
to be my Christmas card.
Oh, now, cheer up, Niles.
You know,
there are people out there
with real problems who don't
even have a reason to live.
Oh!
- Hi, sweetie, muah.
- Hi!
Fran,
you're never gonna believe this.
- I am standing here
- Yeah.
- Talking to you
- Yeah.
In size six pants.
Oh, my God, Val,
you haven't been a size six
since you were six.
I know. I know.
Oh, Miss Toriello,
that's not a six, it's a nine.
Oh,
fudge brownie or rocky road?
What do you mean "or"?
Fran, Fran, listen, listen.
A bunch of my girlfriends are
getting tattoos this Saturday.
- Yeah? -Now, I need you
to help me out with Dad.
Oh, sure, honey,
I'll invite him
for a nice romantic dinner,
candlelight, champagne,
lobster, soft music.
And then you think
he'll go for it?
Well, he better,
'cause I'm running out of ideas.
Oh, you mean, about the tattoo?
Oh, no, honey,
you ain't getting a tattoo.
- But, Fran...
- Honey,
as long as I am living
under your roof,
you'll do as I say.
Fran, what is the big deal?
You got a tattoo
when we were in high school.
All: You have a tattoo?
My daughter has a tattoo?
I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to stick my head
in the oven and kill myself.
Are these crab cakes done?
( Mouths )
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
My daughter has a tattoo.
I'm going to be sick.
Niles, quick,
get me something bubbly.
Club soda?
You got any Hershey's Syrup?
Of all the schmucky things
that you did as a kid,
nothing compares to this.
Fran, you have broken my heart.
You've shattered my dreams.
I don't even want to live!
Hey, pokey,
how long does an egg cream take?
When did you do this?
Remember when Val and I
were going to Hadassah
to audition for
"Jesus Christ Superstar"?
Which incidentally
should have been a clue.
♪ She's a maniac ♪
♪ Maniac on the floor ♪
♪ And she's dancing like she's
never danced before ♪
You know, Fran,
these tattoos are permanent.
I mean,
what if you and Danny break up?
Val, he said he loves me.
Hmm.
I'm not gonna be with someone
that says he loves me
- and then takes it back.
- Ah.
( Woman screams )
Either of you AB positive?
- No.
- No.
Sorry.
Wow,
I gotta lay off the espresso.
So, you got ID?
- Uh, no.
- No.
Well, you gotta buy some
or I can't tattoo you.
Oh, okay.
All right. All right. Here.
- Ten bucks.
- Here.
Okay. Oh, thanks.
Want a beer?
Both: Yeah!
Let me see your ID.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Cool.
Okay.
Oh, look,
you've got Charles and Di.
Gee, I hope that comes off.
I have a very bad feeling
about that marriage.
Oh, Val, you're so stupid.
Where's he going with
those big ears?
Yeah, man, I hope you're right.
I'm still sore from
turning Sonny into Gregg Allman.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this
to your family?
Would you like some more,
Sylvia?
What, did we just meet?
Where was I?
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this
to your family?"
Boy, it really loses something
in the gentile translation.
You know, this time you
haven't just defied your mother.
This time you defied God.
If you have a tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
And unless you have it removed,
consider yourself disowned.
( Fran gasps )
Ma!
You know, this has nothing
to do with you and me.
( Clears throat )
Come on, Niles.
Obviously, you're dying to tell
me something, so what is it?
It's a secret?
You've promised not
to say a word?
Two words.
Uh, it's a... It's a person.
Who is it?
The Thompsons' butler?
Miss Fine!
What about Miss Fine?
Well, j-just tell me.
Just tell me, Niles, or you're...
She has a tattoo.
Miss Fine has a tattoo?
She does?
Oh, such keen hearing, and look,
she brought a newspaper.
Good girl.
Niles, don't you think
it's time you came up
with some fresh material?
Something I haven't heard?
How about,
"Can you stay the night?"
Oh, Niles!
When do you have time to come
up with these clever retorts?
It must be that half-hour
between scraping pigeon poop
off the stoop and fighting
shower fungus.
So, Miss Fine has a tattoo, eh?
Oh, I'm shocked.
How out of character for
Nanny Fine to do something
cheap and vulgar.
Shameful.
I... I wonder where it is.
Well, obviously on a part of
her body hidden by clothing.
Oh, well, let's see,
that narrows it down to,
what, Niles, about 2 inches?
( Both laughing )
Well,
I remember the tattoo being
higher on your tush.
It was, Val.
Oh, come on, Fran.
Please talk to Dad for me.
I mean, you remember
when you were 17, right?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, it was a very good year.
Better not be that good for you.
Mr. Sheffield.
Miss Fine.
Are you okay?
Hmm? Oh.
I'm... I'm thigh, fanks.
( Sighs )
Let me ask you something.
How do you feel about tattoos?
Oh, uh, well, Miss Fine, uh,
seeing as you asked, uh,
as a matter of fact, uh,
I'm a little intrigued
by the idea of painted flesh
hidden on some part of the body
reserved only
for that special someone to...
Well, um...
Tattoos are okay in my book.
Thanks, Daddy.
What was that?
Uh, well,
you just gave your daughter
permission to get a tattoo.
What? I'd... I'd never let
Margaret get a tattoo.
Well,
you just said you loved tattoos.
Miss Fine,
I was talking about on you!
( Gasps )
Fran, how can you stand
there like that
with the door wide open?
Mr. Sheffield could walk by
and see you.
Not if you don't move, Val.
I just found out that
he is really turned on
by a certain little tattoo.
Ugh,
that guy from Fantasy Island?
Oh, excuse me, Miss Fine, uh,
have you talked
to Margaret about that little
tattoo business yet?
Yeah, I talked to her.
It's all under control.
Don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
Maxwell: Where the hell is it?
My God,
bloody Waldo is easier to spot.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely nothing.
I'll just, uh, I'll just
be getting off... Uh, along.
Oh, wow.
The guy is obviously
so turned on by you.
What's taking him so long
to make a move?
Uh, you know, he's afraid
that the kids will suffer
if it doesn't work out.
He is just so afraid of change.
Why do you think I stay 29?
- It's for him.
- Oh.
Fran, if you think this
tattoo is your secret weapon,
how come you made a doctor's
appointment
to take it off your butt?
Oh, that's just a consultation,
Val.
The only thing I'm getting off
my butt is Ma.
This baby is staying.
Now, what is it about a tattoo
that guys find such a turn-on?
It's very erotic, Val.
I mean, you know,
it's the lure of the forbidden.
You know,
it's like when we date a guy
and suddenly he find out
he drives a Sara Lee truck.
- Oh, yeah.
- Same thing.
Yeah.
I got it now.
Dr. Roberts,
could you make me look like...
Nope.
But they do have a new
procedure that freezes
the muscles in your face
so you never get lines.
So I'd never be able
to smile again?
That's right.
- You married?
- No.
- You rich?
- No.
So what do you got
to smile about?
Don't worry.
He's a very good surgeon.
Although I didn't care
for the way
he lifted Aunt Lottie's boobs.
Well, on the bright side,
now she doesn't have
to wear shoulder pads anymore.
- Um, Doctor.
- Yeah?
You know, we're here to find out
what you can do about this.
Uh-oh.
This is much more serious
than I imagined.
Oh?
This thing is cracked.
( laughs )
So, uh,
what exactly is the problem?
Can you remove that tattoo?
I can take it off
for you next Tuesday.
Well, wait a minute.
Is it gonna scar?
Is it gonna hurt?
Yes, and ouch.
Fran, if you keep that tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
It's either a bruised tuches
or spending all of eternity
without your family.
Can you make it bigger?
Oh, Val, I just love
this new bathing suit I got.
You think Mr. Sheffield will be
able to see my tattoo in this?
Fran, he'll be able
to see your liver in that.
Now I just gotta figure out
an excuse to wear it.
Oh, wait, there's a four-day
weekend coming up.
Oh, oh, kids, kids!
- Come down here.
- Wait a second.
Won't Mr. Sheffield be
a little suspicious
you're suddenly planning a trip?
No, he worries when I'm not
working him for a free vacation.
- Oh?
- Kids, oh...
Fran, what's up?
What's going on?
Where's your sister? Gracie!
Uh, Fran, she's down the street.
She's not gonna hear you.
Oh.
What is it, Fran?
Hey,
there's a four-day weekend
coming up.
- Where should we go?
- Uh, the Hamptons.
- Skiing.
- Horseback riding.
Bermuda it is.
Ah. Well, Miss Fine,
this is the perfect place
for a family vacation.
Mm-hmm.
Here's tattoo.
I mean, to you.
Maxwell: My God.
I hope she didn't hear that.
Fran: Oh, is this gonna
be a piece of cake.
You know, Mr. Sheffield,
Brighton and Maggie are
gonna be at the disco
for at least another hour.
So that'll give us a chance
to talk,
you know, about the kids,
the house.
Fran: Did I remember to wax?
Well, we're on vacation,
Miss Fine.
A little time alone
together will give me a chance
to see a side of you
I haven't seen.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think you've seen just
about all my sides.
Oh, only your good side,
Miss Fine.
I've yet to see your backside.
Bad side!
So, you've done wonders
with the children.
I'm... I'm amazed
at how Brighton
is really applying himself
this year
I have to say I was little
concerned about his Math grades.
Yeah, well, you know it was
very wise to hire a tutor.
Oh, yeah.
Fran: Yada yada yada.
We're drifting.
Gotta get this puppy
back on track.
Oh, boy, I'll tell you,
it is so humid here.
How about a swim?
Fran: And we're there.
Great idea.
You know what?
I'll go change
into my bathing suit,
I'll tuck Gracie in,
and I'll be right back.
Fran: Watch me work this walk.
Oy, that's a turn-on.
Well, good night, sweetie.
Sweet dreams. Love you.
Fran.
What?
You know I can't sleep
when we're on a trip.
Will you sleep with me?
Fran: Uh.
Right words, wrong Sheffield.
Okay, honey.
Why don't you just rest?
Maybe you'll get sleepy.
- Sleepy yet?
- Nope.
Would you be for 10 bucks?
How about a story?
Oh, honey,
it's getting really late.
I'm not gonna go to sleep
unless you tell me...
Okay, here's the story
about a man named Jed,
a poor mountaineer barely
kept his family fed.
Fran.
Fran.
You gotta get a life.
I'm trying!
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Why don't you
just close your eyes?
Okay. Shh.
- Fran?
- Yeah.
Will you promise me you'll stay
with us forever?
Honey, I'm counting on it.
Sometimes I worry
that everything's gonna change.
Um, well,
you know, sometimes a little
change is a good thing.
- No, it's not.
- Why?
'Cause if you don't like it,
you can never go back
to the way things were.
- But what if you do like it?
- What if you don't?
Well, what's it to you?
Maxwell: Oh, God,
what am I doing?
This is a test, isn't it?
Yeah, you want to see
if I can control myself.
I'm going to prove something
to you once and for all.
I can't.
Oh, Miss Fine.
Why aren't you in your thong?
I mean, thuit.
Bathing suit.
You know, I really didn't feel
like changing.
Um,
I don't think it's the right
time for us to take a swim.
Right.
Right, I, uh, yes, I understand.
Hmm.
How about now?
Actually, I... I was thinking
of maybe playing a nice
friendly game of ping-pong.
Ah.
Yes, ping-pong.
- Right.
- Safe.
Fun.
( Maxwell clears throat )
- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
- Oh, you.
- Whoop.
( laughs )
Up-de-do.
- To you.
- Hup.
- Hup. Hup.
- Hup. Hup.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
( grunts )
Oh!
( Panting and moaning )
( laughing )
Wow.
( Sighing )
Chinese or Italian?
Both.
Thank you.
Fran,
I know you're still in pain
from getting your
tattoo removed,
but I'm still getting one
when I turn 18.
Well, not if you want
to be buried next
to your husband
in a Jewish cemetery.
Well, I'm not Jewish.
Honey, don't be so selfish.
You know I live vicariously
through you.
Oh, you want your donut?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, isn't it ironic?
Every donut I touch ends up
on my hips.
Oh, Ma, how sweet.
You brought me a chocolate-chip
danish to ease my pain.
Uh,
yeah.
Sweetheart,
I'm so glad you took my advice.
Now you can be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
Otherwise,
we would have had to dig a hole
in the backyard.
Next to Boo Boo the cat.
Ah, Ma, Boo Boo didn't die.
He ran away.
Ah, yeah.
( Jazz music playing )