The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Car Show - full transcript

♪ You're the light ♪

♪ Of love ♪

Yes.

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, this... this benefit will make
a fortune for Broadway Cares.

With Roslyn Kind singing

and her sister,
Barbra Streisand,

hosting the event.

Which is not why we hired you.

Well,
I haven't exactly gotten around

to calling Barbra yet.



Both: why?

Well,

she hasn't given me
her new number.

But,

I do a great impersonation
of Barbra.

Although, personally, I think
for years she's been doing me.

Ha, ha.

♪ To find the way
of your heart ♪

♪ Sometimes you must
say goodbye ♪

♪ And trust that time
will take you where ♪

♪ Your greatest visions lie ♪

Barbra!

Barbra! Barbra!

♪ Show your best to me ♪



♪ A smile deep down
inside of you ♪

♪ Is waiting there ♪

♪ Just to guide you through ♪

♪ You're the light of love ♪

( Doorbell ringing )
♪ You're the light ♪

♪ Of love ♪

Barbra! Barbra! Barbra!

Barbra's sister.

Close enough. Same DNA.

Nanny Fine,

you are drooling
on Roslyn's shoes.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
They're my sister's.

Take them off!
Take them off!

Nanny Fine!

This nut isn't working with us,
is she?

Oh, great heavens, no.

No, no, no.

She takes care of my children.

Hi.

Why don't we all go
into Maxwell's office?

- That's a good idea.
- Oh, yeah, that's better.

More intimate.

It's got the little couch
and everything.

Tell me where Barbra lives
and no one gets hurt.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

( muffled voices )

- Hey, Fran.
- Shh.

My mother can't hear
Barbra Streisand's sister.

Well, if you'd stop chewing.

I need to talk to you
about a personal problem.

Honey, you're at that age,

you should be talking
to your butler.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Your father's telling his
"Pirates of Penzance" story.

What's up?

Well, I really like this girl,
Julie.

But she just wants
to be friends.

How am I gonna get her
to make a deeper commitment?

You're asking me?

Oh, Fran, I've had it.

Dad is obviously not getting
me a car for my birthday.

So, I figured out
a way to win one.

Miss Trans-Am contest?

Oh, honey, I am not letting
you enter some contest

where you parade around
in some skimpy outfits

so a bunch of men could stare at
you like you're a piece of meat.

No, ma'am.

Oh, not me. You.

Oh, how sweet!

Listen, all you have to do
is win the talent portion,

drive a five-speed Trans-Am
through an obstacle course

and be between
the ages of 18 and 25.

Oh, well, that lets me out.

I can't drive a stick shift.

Oh, you can't?

Nobody in my family can.

I think it's in the
Torah or something.

Well, maybe my dad could
teach you on his Porsche.

Oh, no.

What am I saying?

He would never help
you win a car for me.

Uh, you know, Maggie,

I've seen your
father drive his Porsche.

Believe me, he's nobody to teach
anybody how to drive a stick.

I beg your pardon.

We're in.

Oh, this entire thing
is ridiculous.

Maggie is far too young
to have a car.

Hmm, Mr. Sheffield, you know,

I understand you're a foreigner.

And that's why I cut you slack

when you wear
dark socks and sandals.

But in this country when
a girl turns 17,

she gets herself a car.

Unless you come
from my neighborhood.

Then it's a car or a nose job.

I got the car!

Miss Fine, why don't you
just get her one of those

"Remington Steele"
ladies chic things

you get everyone else?

Are you kidding?
She's like a daughter to me.

Besides, you always
get her expensive stuff.

Now, I can.

Oh, Miss Fine,
what you give my children,

you can't put a price on.

And yet, you find 6 bucks
an hour sufficient.

Oh, Miss Fine, go into third.

You've gotta feel it
when it's time to shift.

Do I have to squeeze
your leg every time?

I guess I'm a slow learner.

There you go.

That's the way.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Where you going?

- Why you turning off?
- Oh, Loehmann's!

- Warehouse, Mothership.
- No, just, just...

Just drive.

All right, all right.

No more distractions.

( Engine revs )

Shifting.

( Engine noise smoothens )
Beautiful, baby.

( Car phone rings )

Yello!

Oh, would you, just, just,

put both hands on the wheel.

Hello? Oh, C.C.

Hold on,
I'm going to put you on speaker.

C.C.: Maxwell, great news!

Barbra Streisand called.

Oh, I'm putting you off speaker.

You touch a button
and I'll kill us both.

C.C.: Barbra's agreed
to host the benefit,

but only if we do it at
her house in the Hamptons.

Oh, my God! I can't believe

- I'm going to Barbra's house!
- No you're not.

Oh, this is the most
exciting day of my life!

- No, it's not.
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

how can I ever thank you?

By looking that way!
Look out!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( tires screeching )

Stop, stop!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I think I hit something.

No, uh, it's all right,
Miss Fine.

It was uh,
it was just a piece of rubbish.

With bunny ears
and a little cotton tail?

Hmm? No.

No, no, I saw it quite clearly.

It, uh, it really,
uh, it was nothing.

C.C.: No, no, no.

I know that sound.

Nanny Fine killed
a widdle wascally wabbit.

Oh, I-I can't believe

I killed an innocent rabbit.

Oh, Nanny Fine,

- you must feel horrible.
- I... I do.

Oh, you know what you need?

Some comfort food.

( laughs )

Oh, Miss fine.
It's not your fault.

Sometimes horrible
accidents happen.

Exhibit "A."

You really
shouldn't feel so bad.

It's not as if rabbits
are an endangered species.

They spend their entire lives
mating and reproducing.

Oh, great. So not only
did I kill an animal,

but I killed one with a better
social life than mine.

Miss Fine, you have to move
on with your life.

Now let me ask you.

What would Barbra do if she
killed an animal, hmm?

First, she'd fire her chauffeur.

And, then she'd write a
beautiful ballad about it.

Marvin Hamlisch would arrange.

And then, she'd do the duet
with Julio Iglesias.

You know,
to pick up the foreign market.

( Sighs )

- I feel better.
- Hmm.

Attagirl!

I am going to win this
Miss Trans-Am contest,

and make my platform
animal rights.

I am going to speak out
for all the little creatures

that no one cares about.

Exhibit "B."

Man:
Welcome, to the auto show,

at the Nassau Coliseum.

You know, B,
you didn't have to come with us.

Hey, I love cars.

Fran, shouldn't you be
getting ready for the contest?

We don't have time
to meet Miss America.

Honey, I was Miss Subways.

It's a professional courtesy.

Oh, if word got out that
I was here and I snubbed her,

forget about it.
It could start a whole

inter pageantry incident.

Tarah!

Hi.

Fran Fine.

Miss Subways, 1980,

uh, '90.

Oh, it's always nice to meet
another pageant winner.

- Aww.
- What was your platform?

Uh, 59th and Lex.

You know, we two have
so much in common.

I mean, we're both
title holders and well,

you can't get married for
the duration of your reign

and I can't get married
for the love of God.

I assume you're here
for the Miss Trans-Am contest.

Oh, is it that obvious?

Absolutely.

Good luck to you.

Oh, no.

Fran's the one in the contest.

Oh.

Good luck to you.

Meanwhile,
I voted for Miss Kentucky.

Man:
Moving into our final round,

the driving competition.

And our current leader,

Fran Fine.

( applause and cheering )

So sexist!

What do women in swimsuits
have to do with selling cars?

Sir, I think we've produced
one too many revivals of "Mame."

Miss Fine,

start your engine!

( Applause )

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

( Screams )

Oh, Fran, don't feel bad
about not winning me the car.

I just love my new
wet-dry Lady Schick.

No, no, really.

Look,

it's great.

Oh, honey. You're so sweet.

But aren't your friends
disappointed

that you didn't get a car?

Uh, I don't have any
friends anymore.

Now, come on, Miss Fine,
let's go for a drive.

Uh, you know what they say,

when you fall off a horse,
you gotta get right back on.

Oh, I'm Jewish.

The closest I ever get to
a horse is Polo at Ralph Lauren.

Well, drive us
to the Paramus Mall.

We'll, uh,
tear buttons off things

and get an extra 10% discount.

No, I can't.

You have to drive again,
Miss Fine.

No. I mean, I've been banned
from the Paramus Mall.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield. It's okay.

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

I've decided to get therapy.

How are we feeling today?

I'm afraid we're going to have
to cancel our appointment.

- Oh?
- I have a date coming over.

That's how you therapists
keep us coming back.

You make us more bitter.

Come on, Maxwell, we have a lot
of work to do for the benefit.

Don't mind me, Nanny Fine.

I'm just passing through.

( Whistling )

Hop, hop, hop.

Oh, come on, Miss Fine.

I can't stand seeing
you like this.

Can't you just forget
what happened

and get on with your life, hmm?

Well, if you're gonna
cuddle and touch me

every time I'm depressed,

I gotta tell you, this is pretty
much my mood for a while.

Oh, come on.
There must be something

I can do to cheer you up.

Err, isn't there some
favorite place you'd like to go?

No, nothin's givin' me a buzz.

How about
Barbra Streisand's house?

Oh!

Would you do that?

Oh! Of course, Miss fine.

Anything for you.

Oh, this is like
a dream come true!

I'm so excited!

Pack your bags and get out!

Oh, it's a pleasure to
meet you Miss Streisand.

Oh, no.
That's way too formal.

Nice knowin' you, Babs.

No, that's way too familiar.

Oh, I got such a...
( speaks Yiddish )

Oh, you know, that's perfect.

This is gonna be a disaster.

First we have to shake three bus
loads of Fines trailing us.

Oh, come on, C.C.

Leave Miss Fine alone.

This is a very
important night for her.

Miss Fine, your hair is looking
particularly big tonight.

Well, yours would too, if you
had a camcorder hidden in it.

Ha, ha, ha.

Kidding!

Would you relax?

I am not going to embarrass you.

I'm on a pilgrimage to meet
my spiritual leader.

Oh.

- My stomach is killing me.
- What?

Oh, it must be
that pate Niles made.

Well,
we're going to Barbra's house.

She's a sister.

She'll have Tagamet,

Mylanta, Pepcid A.C.
Don't worry.

I'm serious, Miss Fine.
I'm, I'm sweaty.

I'm starting to shake.

I'm going to have to pull over.

Yeah,
we'll pull over in her driveway.

Now floor it.

C.C.,
you're going to have to drive.

Oh, oh, that's a good idea.

C.C., you drive.
Don't even stop the car.

Just switch.
Switch.

Maxwell,
you know I can't drive a stick.

It's no good.
I gotta get out, get some air.

No! We'll drive
with the windows open!

So it's a little dewy,

I'll freeze for my queen!

Oh, oh, oh, Nanny Fine,
Nanny Fine, Nanny Fine.

You drive a stick?

No.
I can't, I can't.

I know.
You put it in neutral.

I'll push.

I shoved my mother up a hill
in San Francisco once.

This is just a small
foreign car.

Nanny Fine,

Maxwell and I are producing
this for Broadway Cares.

And I don't care
if Broadway cares,

if I'm not there
to get the credit.

I can't! I can't!

♪ Can it be that it was all ♪

♪ So simple then ♪

Stop it!

♪ Or has time rewritten
every line? ♪

I'm not gonna see my Barbra!

Oh, my God, forgive me!

Nanny Fine,
Ros swore me to secrecy,

that James Brolin is gonna
propose to Barbra tonight.

You'll know before Mary Hart.

( Gasps )

Get in!
You'll puke in the Porsche.

( Engine starts )

So what was she like?

Did you actually get to
talk to Miss Streisand?

Uh-huh.

I told her,

"I love you, my Queen."

And she said,

"Put those boots back
in my closet."

Well, it was a banner
night for both of us.

You got to meet your idol and
overcome your fear of driving.

- Mm-hmm.
- While I got a safety pin

and worked that little string

through Mr. Sheffield's
sweat pants.

And I've got you to thank

for getting over
my fear of driving.

It never would have happened

if you hadn't fed Mr. Sheffield
that rancid pate.

I'm highly offended.

Why? 'Cause I called
your pate rancid?

No, that you think I'd actually
take the time to make it.

I'd buy it, peel off the label
and slap it on a plate.

I haven't even done
that in months.

Well, then,
why would he say he got sick?

Why would he fake it?

Oh, that sweet man.

Do you know what he did for me?

Threw up on Miss Babcock?

No.

That would have been for me.

No.
He pretended to be sick

to force me to drive.

Oh, he was showing
his love for me

by acting like he was nauseous.

Did you know how he
felt about me?

Did I know?

For four years I've been
hinting to him,

I've been hinting to you,

I've be hinting to him
to hint to you.

Why do you think I don't
have enough time to make pate?

Mr. Sheffield,

I know what you did.

Oh, well, Miss Fine,

James and Barbra insisted

we go out for a drink.

I, uh, I couldn't find you.

I'm not talking about that.

You what?

Gotcha!

( laughing )

Uh, let's get back to
what you were saying.

I know that you
pretended to be sick

to get me to drive.

I'll tell you,
it is just so adorable,

how you can't really express
the way you feel.

Like all the times that you
yell and scream at me,

when in reality,

you wanna hug me.

( Chuckles )

Well.

And all those times that
you fired me,

in reality

you wanna kiss me.

All right!

When you told me you love me
and you took it back,

- when in reality...
- No, actually, that, I meant.

I hate you.

No, you don't.
You really want to hug me.

Okay, I'm busted.

Tell me, Miss Fine,
just out of curiosity.

How... how did you know
I was faking?

Oh, Niles spilled the beans.

I-I'm just saying,
I'm surprised that

Barbra called you
out of the blue

and invited you back
to her house.

What don't you get?

We share the same heritage,

we both have
a distinctive voice.

I had an Andre Agassi
poster in my room,

she had Andre Agassi.

Well, it just seems very bizarre
to me, that's all.

I mean,
she's a very private person.

I can't imagine what
she wants with you.

Look, we just hit it off.

In fact, she said she was
gonna come right over,

but I said don't bother,
we'll come to you.

Oh, wait, let me get my purse.

( Sighs )

Goodbye, gorgeous.

I suppose she's gonna want
this purse back, too.

Listen, all you have to do
is win a talent portion,

- Yeah.
- Drive a, drive a...

Listen, you're in two
movies of the week.

You're over-worked
already this week.

Okay.

But in this country,
when a girl turns 17,

she gets herself a car.

Unless you come
from my neighborhood.

Then it's a car or a nose job.

I got the nose job! Oh!

( Both laughing )

Not.

( Jazz music playing )