The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Taxman Cometh - full transcript
Fran gets audited by the IRS. She has reason to be worried as she has falsified information on past returns. But she does whatever act of persuasion she can on the auditor, Josh Bassin. It doesn't work as she is issued a $5,000 tax bill. Maxwell convinces Fran to appeal the assessment. With Maxwell by her side, Fran thinks she's in luck when the appeals officer is a wannabe Broadway actor cum impressionist. Ultimately it's another show business connection that gets Fran out of her mess. Meanwhile, Maxwell tries to rekindle a "friendship" with Brighton just like they had when Brighton was a little kid. But Brighton, being a teenager, now has little in common with his father. And Jay Leno asks the Sheffields to look after Harley, his chihuahua, temporarily. Harley and Chester, C.C.'s dog, hit it off a little too well.
I can't let you leave the house
in that short, little top.
Mr. Sheffield's not here.
It's gorgeous.
Don't make a stain,
I wanna borrow.
Where is he?
Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's
career day.
I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have,
"Don't let this happen
to you day."
Aww.
Hello, everyone.
Oh! So, how did it go?
Oh, it was smashing!
I reenacted the history
of musical theater
from its operatic
beginnings right through
"Bring in Da Noise,
Bring in Da Funk."
- Niles: Ooh.
- Fran: Uh-huh.
That must have brought
down da house.
So did your old man deliver
or what, eh?
Oh, look,
I've got that CD you wanted.
There you go: Pearl Bailey.
( Gasps )
Pearl Bailey. Cool.
Hey, now I can exchange
it for Pearl Jam.
I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.
Brighton used to worship me.
When?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the boy's just going
through a phase.
I remember myself
there was a time
when I didn't even want
to speak to my mother.
( Telephone rings )
Then eventually, you outgrow it.
Miss Fine,
it's your mother on the phone.
( Whispering ) Tell her I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Hello! Hello!
Ah, C.C.,
how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?
Loved it. We are this close to
booking it on "The Tonight Show."
- Ah, yes!
- We had an instant rapport.
He had his dog, Harley with him,
and I had this little fellow.
Your hat?
Oh, my God!
Do you know what this means?
If this isn't my dog...
( gasps )
I could have left this valuable
hat in the cab!
( Doorbell chimes )
Oh.
Was this supposed to be a tip?
Why did you come back?
Four martinis,
and she'd have been walking
that hat all over New York.
Now, here's the deal.
Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs
and he refuses to board his.
I don't know why.
Chester loves the kennel.
When I come to take him home
he just hangs on to the little
bars for dear life.
C.C., you're not telling
me you've offered
to take care of Jay Leno's dog,
are you?
It's bad enough,
I mean, your dog here,
always begging to go out,
jumping into my lap,
rubbing up
against me all the time.
Shhh.
Does everybody need
to know our business?
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, Miss Fine,
I do appreciate you taking care
of Jay Leno's dog,
what, with your busy
schedule and all.
You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.
I mean,
I work very hard around here.
I...I was being serious.
You're kidding.
Uh, Daddy?
Uh, not now, honey, we're busy.
- But, Daddy...
- Sweetheart,
we're working.
They're working, Mr. Leno!
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, God! Jay! Oh! I'm so sorry!
- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are ya?
I had no idea you
were already here.
Aw, that's okay.
- Where's Niles?
- Oh,
he taped "Letterman"
last night. He's watching...
Oh, thank you!
Thank you very much! Off you go!
Oh! Mr. Jay Leno!
- I'm Fran Fine.
- Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.
Well,
I can't tell you how many times
I've gone to bed with you!
Well, well, you know I used
to get out and around a lot.
You don't really remember
a lot of people, but...
No!
- Not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Although I must admit,
I have fallen asleep
before you were done.
As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really...
( Fran laughs )
Guys hate that.
( Fran and Maxwell laugh )
Uh, Jay, please,
- why don't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you.
I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.
You I'm still not sure about.
Hey listen, thanks for
taking care of my dog.
Oh, no problem.
You know,
my mom had one just like that.
Lived in the wall.
Mr. Leno, would you mind
autographing your book for me?
I can't tell ya how classy it is
that you don't go around hawking
it like other celebrities.
Oh, yeah.
I hate that!
Meanwhile,
have ya read this one?
It is a riot.
Plus, it just came out
on audiocassette.
I can't believe they'd put
this voice on audio!
You know,
some people find it soothing.
Look, look.
It's just like
"Lady and the Tramp."
Only Tramp had the good taste not
to lick himself in front of Lady!
He reminds me of my dog Al.
I couldn't stand to have
him sleep on the bed,
with his stupid pug face.
Always drooling.
And the gas
that emanated from that animal!
Yetta, that was grandpa.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's your mail.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God! the IRS!
What do they want from me?
( Gasps )
A tax audit!
Oh, why are they picking on me?
Could it be because you declared
an adopted foreign
child named Haagen-Dazs?
Listen,
I've spent a lot of quality time
with that little bundle of joy.
Mama loves you, baby.
So what are you going to do?
I don't know. I wonder if my
accountant knows about this.
Do you know about this?
So, Brighton,
you ready to teach
me how to rollerblade?
Oh, eh,
you know that girl you like?
I thought maybe we could,
uh, cruise by her house.
Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond
so I can drown myself.
Actually, Dad, you know what,
I'd love to,
but I already have some
plans with some friends.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Who?
Uh... uh...
Oh, oh,
weren't you gonna have burgers
at Arnold's with
Ralph and Potsie?
Right! right! Yeah.
Oh, well, um,
maybe I could
join you at Arnold's.
Well, maybe, uh,
maybe some other time.
Yeah. Sorry.
Who's Potsie?
Oh, shut up!
Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him!
What's the big deal?
He just wants to spend a little
time with his son.
Fran, we have nothing in common!
We're not even
from the same country!
♪ People, let me tell ya
about my best friend ♪
♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪
♪ Who loved me
till the end ♪
Stay back, stay back.
I'm done.
No more football! I'm done.
( Opera music playing )
( music continues )
♪ Best friend ♪
( vocalizing )
( toilet flushes )
What is this unnatural
obsession Maxwell has
with his children?
I can count the number
of days I spent
with my father on one hand.
Seven?
Well, yeah.
You know, that's funny.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
No, I mean the fact that
I'm really rich,
and you're cleaning toilets in a
suit, a tie, and rubber gloves.
Well, you got me that time.
( Doorbell chimes )
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'm here
to audit Miss Fran Fine?
Miss Fine, the IRS man is here!
Is that today?
Hi. I'm Fran.
- Hi. Josh Bassen.
- How do you do?
Oh, you bought that dress
just for the audit, didn't you?
Well...
I hope you don't try
to write it off.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.
All right, I admit it.
I helped her with her taxes!
But you know what?
I had a solar calculator,
and we did them in the shade!
Relax, kid.
It would take a flagrant
violation of the tax code
for me to actually
put someone in jail.
What's your name?
Potsie?
I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.
I just did Pearl Jam last week...
Oh, my God! You know Pearl Jam?
Potsie,
you're blocking the view!
All right, so now you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?
Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,
it'll be Uncle Sam's house,
but...
Aaah! Ha ha ha ha!
Good-looking
and a sense of humor.
I'll tell ya,
if I wasn't married with,
er, six kids.
Um, if you'll just excuse me,
I have to go feed
my chinchillas.
What chinchillas?
The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.
Schedule "C," item 15.
Brighton, I'm just off
to the final callbacks
for my play about
Gertrude Stein.
It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along?
Well, first of all, Dad.
Who?
This guy knows Pearl Jam!
Miss Fine,
are you sure this thing
with my son is just a phase?
I mean,
he prefers to spend more time
with the taxman than with me.
Oh, well, first of all,
you're trying too hard.
I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate
than trying so hard
to win somebody over.
Hungry, Josh?
Now listen,
next time you go
through the living room, limp.
You're my husband,
and ya got a disability.
What is this?
An annoying, yapping dog.
Holding a Chihuahua.
Oh! There's the doggy!
Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.
Well, I just put it down
for a second, and it was only
'cause Gracie was gonna scald
herself in the tub.
Oh, blah blah blah.
It's not like those children
you take care of.
This is a valuable animal.
Meanwhile,
I was looking all over for you.
Now you're gonna go
and play with Chester.
Oh, what a mieskeit she is.
It's a good thing
she's got a rich father.
Oh, Miss Fine,
here's another letter
from your friend at the IRS.
Oh, wow, this must be a
thank-you for that gorgeous,
midnight blue, double-breasted
Armani blazer I gave him.
Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that again.
Oh, well, he liked the blazer,
but he wants
something else from me.
- What?
- An arm and a leg!
This is a $5,000 tax bill.
Fran, I think you'd
better come see what Chester
and Jay Leno's dog are doing
in the dining room.
Oh, sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?
Um, no.
Remember what we saw those
two lions doing
on the Discovery Channel?
Well, I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.
Ooh!
Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?
You are going right upstairs,
mister,
and taking a cold shower!
And, you, Miss!
You only know him a week!
What's your secret?
Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
I don't have $5,000!
The government is gonna do to me
what Chester just did to Harley.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible!
Oh, what happened?
Mr. Mooney Fine
from the bank again?
Ha ha ha ha.
Good-looking and funny.
How much do you owe?
$5,000!
Oh, calm down, Miss Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
What kind of records
have you kept?
Oh, I don't know.
A couple of Bee Gees,
Captain & Tennille,
"the White Album."
No, tax, tax records, Miss Fine.
Sylvia: Don't take the box!
Don't take the box!
Schmuck!
Ma, when are ya gonna stop
torturing yourself
by watching that old tape
of you and daddy
on "Let's Make a Deal"?
You traded Paris
for the ostrich.
It's never going to change.
Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever had.
Host on TV: Now, Sylvia and Mort
Fine, let me tell you something.
You've won the trip to Paris,
but strange things
can happen on this show.
You can keep the trip to Paris,
or you could trade for what's
in that big box on the floor.
( audience shout )
Take the box!
Mort: We'll take the box!
Oh! I can't watch this.
I am sick to my stomach.
Well, it's a good thing
that I have a very
organized filing system.
( Sighs )
'95.
'94.
'93?
Oh, look at this.
There's an old Rolo in here.
Look.
It's all white.
It's still good.
These receipts are a disaster!
I mean,
how can this be possible?
You have 18 certified
public accountants
on your father's side alone!
Well, we have 17 urologists,
but daddy still has
three of something
that he's only supposed
to have two of.
Now listen,
if we're found guilty,
is there any chance I could
do community service
at a home for wayward girls?
Don't talk to him!
He comes into my home,
drinks my champagne
that expressly says
"Send to Lauren Bacall,"
and...
Oh, well,
what are you looking at, mister?
You think that's supposed
to scare me?
I'm going to the big house!
I was just doing my job.
Shame on you for using
your sex appeal
to get out of paying
your back taxes.
I most certainly did not!
And shame on you for acting
like it was working!
It was!
When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?
No!
Where?
Oh, Miss Fine,
don't waste your time with him.
He has nothing to do with it!
It's going to be all up
to the Appeals Officer.
I would like
to start off by saying
that I have never seen
such a total disregard
for the tax laws.
Excuse me, sir,
but, um,
is this gonna take long?
You see, I have to get back
to the theater.
Who are you?
Oh, Maxwell Sheffield. I'm a...
The Broadway producer!
( Imitating Carol Channing )
♪ A kiss on the hand ♪
♪ May be quite continental ♪
♪ But diamonds are a girl's
best friend ♪
See, I've always wanted
to be in show business.
Would you like
to see another one?
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?
- Oh ho ho!
- Very good!
Oh, well! Thank you.
If... if you insist.
George Burns.
Oh! Great.
( Imitating George Burns )
You know, I got into heaven.
And, um, I saw God.
And he wasn't feeling well.
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
- Oh! Very funny!
- Ah!
Excellent! excellent!
All right,
let's get down to business.
Now, I have reviewed the case,
and I agree with my colleague
Mr. Bassen
that you look
very fetching in that skirt.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thanks.
You can go. you can go.
However, however,
that does not have an impact
on my decision about your taxes.
Where are you running?
Where are you running? Sit down!
Where do you think you're going?
Fran, this is inside of me.
Gee, I... I see here
$86
for apricot facial scrub.
Ah, yes,
well, you see, um,
as a professional caregiver,
Miss Fine needs
to glow and be dewy.
Why don't you just
slap the cuffs on me now?
Relax. I've still got something
up my sleeve.
Oh, unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,
I ain't interested.
Max,
you make me schlep all the way
down here to pick up my dog,
then your driver says, "Oh, no.
The dog's already at my house."
Look,
I'm not one for star treatment...
Do you know who I am? Huh?
Jay Leno!
Jay!
Hey, I watch "The Tonight
Show" all the time!
- Great.
- Oh! Oh! Watch! Watch!
Watch! Watch! Watch!
( Imitating Johnny Carson)
Ah, it was so cold
in Los Angeles this morning.
- H-h-how cold was it?
- How cold was it?
An exhibitionist came up
to me on Wilshire Boulevard,
and described himself to me.
Ha ha ha ha. Aaah! Ha ha!
Don't quit the day job,
all right?
Ever been audited?
You know,
I heard something in your voice.
You are very good.
You know,
we haven't had an impressionist
on the show in a long time.
- Really? -Yeah! Why don't
we have a cup of coffee?
Let's talk about
an appearance for you.
Oh! Sure! I think you're great.
Uh, case dismissed!
This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
Using your slick show
biz connections
to make fools of the government.
I hope you're proud of yourself,
Sheffield.
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay!
So you like your old man now,
huh?
Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie, huh?
Aw, gee, Dad, I'd love to,
but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.
Oh, well, I can join you.
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,
I, uh, cleared the whole
afternoon for this,
and it's still early,
so I thought maybe
you and I could do
something really sinful.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you are clairvoyant.
What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?
It's uncanny.
Oh, Miss Fine,
what do you know about
Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant?
Um, that depends.
Are you happy about it or angry?
He canceled my cast appearance
on his show.
Then I don't know anything
about it.
Miss Fine,
that dog was in your care.
How could you let this happen?
Well, I tried to pull
them apart as fast as I can,
but I guess I came too late,
and Chester too early.
Miss Fine!
Well, this may come as
a shock to you, mister,
but sometimes there is just no
controlling animalistic passion.
Yes, well, that's the difference
between us and animals.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh, yeah... No!
Stop that! Stop that!
( Jazz music playing )
in that short, little top.
Mr. Sheffield's not here.
It's gorgeous.
Don't make a stain,
I wanna borrow.
Where is he?
Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's
career day.
I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have,
"Don't let this happen
to you day."
Aww.
Hello, everyone.
Oh! So, how did it go?
Oh, it was smashing!
I reenacted the history
of musical theater
from its operatic
beginnings right through
"Bring in Da Noise,
Bring in Da Funk."
- Niles: Ooh.
- Fran: Uh-huh.
That must have brought
down da house.
So did your old man deliver
or what, eh?
Oh, look,
I've got that CD you wanted.
There you go: Pearl Bailey.
( Gasps )
Pearl Bailey. Cool.
Hey, now I can exchange
it for Pearl Jam.
I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.
Brighton used to worship me.
When?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the boy's just going
through a phase.
I remember myself
there was a time
when I didn't even want
to speak to my mother.
( Telephone rings )
Then eventually, you outgrow it.
Miss Fine,
it's your mother on the phone.
( Whispering ) Tell her I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Hello! Hello!
Ah, C.C.,
how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?
Loved it. We are this close to
booking it on "The Tonight Show."
- Ah, yes!
- We had an instant rapport.
He had his dog, Harley with him,
and I had this little fellow.
Your hat?
Oh, my God!
Do you know what this means?
If this isn't my dog...
( gasps )
I could have left this valuable
hat in the cab!
( Doorbell chimes )
Oh.
Was this supposed to be a tip?
Why did you come back?
Four martinis,
and she'd have been walking
that hat all over New York.
Now, here's the deal.
Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs
and he refuses to board his.
I don't know why.
Chester loves the kennel.
When I come to take him home
he just hangs on to the little
bars for dear life.
C.C., you're not telling
me you've offered
to take care of Jay Leno's dog,
are you?
It's bad enough,
I mean, your dog here,
always begging to go out,
jumping into my lap,
rubbing up
against me all the time.
Shhh.
Does everybody need
to know our business?
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, Miss Fine,
I do appreciate you taking care
of Jay Leno's dog,
what, with your busy
schedule and all.
You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.
I mean,
I work very hard around here.
I...I was being serious.
You're kidding.
Uh, Daddy?
Uh, not now, honey, we're busy.
- But, Daddy...
- Sweetheart,
we're working.
They're working, Mr. Leno!
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, God! Jay! Oh! I'm so sorry!
- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are ya?
I had no idea you
were already here.
Aw, that's okay.
- Where's Niles?
- Oh,
he taped "Letterman"
last night. He's watching...
Oh, thank you!
Thank you very much! Off you go!
Oh! Mr. Jay Leno!
- I'm Fran Fine.
- Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.
Well,
I can't tell you how many times
I've gone to bed with you!
Well, well, you know I used
to get out and around a lot.
You don't really remember
a lot of people, but...
No!
- Not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Although I must admit,
I have fallen asleep
before you were done.
As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really...
( Fran laughs )
Guys hate that.
( Fran and Maxwell laugh )
Uh, Jay, please,
- why don't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you.
I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.
You I'm still not sure about.
Hey listen, thanks for
taking care of my dog.
Oh, no problem.
You know,
my mom had one just like that.
Lived in the wall.
Mr. Leno, would you mind
autographing your book for me?
I can't tell ya how classy it is
that you don't go around hawking
it like other celebrities.
Oh, yeah.
I hate that!
Meanwhile,
have ya read this one?
It is a riot.
Plus, it just came out
on audiocassette.
I can't believe they'd put
this voice on audio!
You know,
some people find it soothing.
Look, look.
It's just like
"Lady and the Tramp."
Only Tramp had the good taste not
to lick himself in front of Lady!
He reminds me of my dog Al.
I couldn't stand to have
him sleep on the bed,
with his stupid pug face.
Always drooling.
And the gas
that emanated from that animal!
Yetta, that was grandpa.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's your mail.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God! the IRS!
What do they want from me?
( Gasps )
A tax audit!
Oh, why are they picking on me?
Could it be because you declared
an adopted foreign
child named Haagen-Dazs?
Listen,
I've spent a lot of quality time
with that little bundle of joy.
Mama loves you, baby.
So what are you going to do?
I don't know. I wonder if my
accountant knows about this.
Do you know about this?
So, Brighton,
you ready to teach
me how to rollerblade?
Oh, eh,
you know that girl you like?
I thought maybe we could,
uh, cruise by her house.
Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond
so I can drown myself.
Actually, Dad, you know what,
I'd love to,
but I already have some
plans with some friends.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Who?
Uh... uh...
Oh, oh,
weren't you gonna have burgers
at Arnold's with
Ralph and Potsie?
Right! right! Yeah.
Oh, well, um,
maybe I could
join you at Arnold's.
Well, maybe, uh,
maybe some other time.
Yeah. Sorry.
Who's Potsie?
Oh, shut up!
Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him!
What's the big deal?
He just wants to spend a little
time with his son.
Fran, we have nothing in common!
We're not even
from the same country!
♪ People, let me tell ya
about my best friend ♪
♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪
♪ Who loved me
till the end ♪
Stay back, stay back.
I'm done.
No more football! I'm done.
( Opera music playing )
( music continues )
♪ Best friend ♪
( vocalizing )
( toilet flushes )
What is this unnatural
obsession Maxwell has
with his children?
I can count the number
of days I spent
with my father on one hand.
Seven?
Well, yeah.
You know, that's funny.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
No, I mean the fact that
I'm really rich,
and you're cleaning toilets in a
suit, a tie, and rubber gloves.
Well, you got me that time.
( Doorbell chimes )
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'm here
to audit Miss Fran Fine?
Miss Fine, the IRS man is here!
Is that today?
Hi. I'm Fran.
- Hi. Josh Bassen.
- How do you do?
Oh, you bought that dress
just for the audit, didn't you?
Well...
I hope you don't try
to write it off.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.
All right, I admit it.
I helped her with her taxes!
But you know what?
I had a solar calculator,
and we did them in the shade!
Relax, kid.
It would take a flagrant
violation of the tax code
for me to actually
put someone in jail.
What's your name?
Potsie?
I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.
I just did Pearl Jam last week...
Oh, my God! You know Pearl Jam?
Potsie,
you're blocking the view!
All right, so now you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?
Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,
it'll be Uncle Sam's house,
but...
Aaah! Ha ha ha ha!
Good-looking
and a sense of humor.
I'll tell ya,
if I wasn't married with,
er, six kids.
Um, if you'll just excuse me,
I have to go feed
my chinchillas.
What chinchillas?
The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.
Schedule "C," item 15.
Brighton, I'm just off
to the final callbacks
for my play about
Gertrude Stein.
It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along?
Well, first of all, Dad.
Who?
This guy knows Pearl Jam!
Miss Fine,
are you sure this thing
with my son is just a phase?
I mean,
he prefers to spend more time
with the taxman than with me.
Oh, well, first of all,
you're trying too hard.
I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate
than trying so hard
to win somebody over.
Hungry, Josh?
Now listen,
next time you go
through the living room, limp.
You're my husband,
and ya got a disability.
What is this?
An annoying, yapping dog.
Holding a Chihuahua.
Oh! There's the doggy!
Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.
Well, I just put it down
for a second, and it was only
'cause Gracie was gonna scald
herself in the tub.
Oh, blah blah blah.
It's not like those children
you take care of.
This is a valuable animal.
Meanwhile,
I was looking all over for you.
Now you're gonna go
and play with Chester.
Oh, what a mieskeit she is.
It's a good thing
she's got a rich father.
Oh, Miss Fine,
here's another letter
from your friend at the IRS.
Oh, wow, this must be a
thank-you for that gorgeous,
midnight blue, double-breasted
Armani blazer I gave him.
Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that again.
Oh, well, he liked the blazer,
but he wants
something else from me.
- What?
- An arm and a leg!
This is a $5,000 tax bill.
Fran, I think you'd
better come see what Chester
and Jay Leno's dog are doing
in the dining room.
Oh, sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?
Um, no.
Remember what we saw those
two lions doing
on the Discovery Channel?
Well, I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.
Ooh!
Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?
You are going right upstairs,
mister,
and taking a cold shower!
And, you, Miss!
You only know him a week!
What's your secret?
Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
I don't have $5,000!
The government is gonna do to me
what Chester just did to Harley.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible!
Oh, what happened?
Mr. Mooney Fine
from the bank again?
Ha ha ha ha.
Good-looking and funny.
How much do you owe?
$5,000!
Oh, calm down, Miss Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
What kind of records
have you kept?
Oh, I don't know.
A couple of Bee Gees,
Captain & Tennille,
"the White Album."
No, tax, tax records, Miss Fine.
Sylvia: Don't take the box!
Don't take the box!
Schmuck!
Ma, when are ya gonna stop
torturing yourself
by watching that old tape
of you and daddy
on "Let's Make a Deal"?
You traded Paris
for the ostrich.
It's never going to change.
Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever had.
Host on TV: Now, Sylvia and Mort
Fine, let me tell you something.
You've won the trip to Paris,
but strange things
can happen on this show.
You can keep the trip to Paris,
or you could trade for what's
in that big box on the floor.
( audience shout )
Take the box!
Mort: We'll take the box!
Oh! I can't watch this.
I am sick to my stomach.
Well, it's a good thing
that I have a very
organized filing system.
( Sighs )
'95.
'94.
'93?
Oh, look at this.
There's an old Rolo in here.
Look.
It's all white.
It's still good.
These receipts are a disaster!
I mean,
how can this be possible?
You have 18 certified
public accountants
on your father's side alone!
Well, we have 17 urologists,
but daddy still has
three of something
that he's only supposed
to have two of.
Now listen,
if we're found guilty,
is there any chance I could
do community service
at a home for wayward girls?
Don't talk to him!
He comes into my home,
drinks my champagne
that expressly says
"Send to Lauren Bacall,"
and...
Oh, well,
what are you looking at, mister?
You think that's supposed
to scare me?
I'm going to the big house!
I was just doing my job.
Shame on you for using
your sex appeal
to get out of paying
your back taxes.
I most certainly did not!
And shame on you for acting
like it was working!
It was!
When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?
No!
Where?
Oh, Miss Fine,
don't waste your time with him.
He has nothing to do with it!
It's going to be all up
to the Appeals Officer.
I would like
to start off by saying
that I have never seen
such a total disregard
for the tax laws.
Excuse me, sir,
but, um,
is this gonna take long?
You see, I have to get back
to the theater.
Who are you?
Oh, Maxwell Sheffield. I'm a...
The Broadway producer!
( Imitating Carol Channing )
♪ A kiss on the hand ♪
♪ May be quite continental ♪
♪ But diamonds are a girl's
best friend ♪
See, I've always wanted
to be in show business.
Would you like
to see another one?
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?
- Oh ho ho!
- Very good!
Oh, well! Thank you.
If... if you insist.
George Burns.
Oh! Great.
( Imitating George Burns )
You know, I got into heaven.
And, um, I saw God.
And he wasn't feeling well.
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
- Oh! Very funny!
- Ah!
Excellent! excellent!
All right,
let's get down to business.
Now, I have reviewed the case,
and I agree with my colleague
Mr. Bassen
that you look
very fetching in that skirt.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thanks.
You can go. you can go.
However, however,
that does not have an impact
on my decision about your taxes.
Where are you running?
Where are you running? Sit down!
Where do you think you're going?
Fran, this is inside of me.
Gee, I... I see here
$86
for apricot facial scrub.
Ah, yes,
well, you see, um,
as a professional caregiver,
Miss Fine needs
to glow and be dewy.
Why don't you just
slap the cuffs on me now?
Relax. I've still got something
up my sleeve.
Oh, unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,
I ain't interested.
Max,
you make me schlep all the way
down here to pick up my dog,
then your driver says, "Oh, no.
The dog's already at my house."
Look,
I'm not one for star treatment...
Do you know who I am? Huh?
Jay Leno!
Jay!
Hey, I watch "The Tonight
Show" all the time!
- Great.
- Oh! Oh! Watch! Watch!
Watch! Watch! Watch!
( Imitating Johnny Carson)
Ah, it was so cold
in Los Angeles this morning.
- H-h-how cold was it?
- How cold was it?
An exhibitionist came up
to me on Wilshire Boulevard,
and described himself to me.
Ha ha ha ha. Aaah! Ha ha!
Don't quit the day job,
all right?
Ever been audited?
You know,
I heard something in your voice.
You are very good.
You know,
we haven't had an impressionist
on the show in a long time.
- Really? -Yeah! Why don't
we have a cup of coffee?
Let's talk about
an appearance for you.
Oh! Sure! I think you're great.
Uh, case dismissed!
This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
Using your slick show
biz connections
to make fools of the government.
I hope you're proud of yourself,
Sheffield.
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay!
So you like your old man now,
huh?
Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie, huh?
Aw, gee, Dad, I'd love to,
but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.
Oh, well, I can join you.
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,
I, uh, cleared the whole
afternoon for this,
and it's still early,
so I thought maybe
you and I could do
something really sinful.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you are clairvoyant.
What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?
It's uncanny.
Oh, Miss Fine,
what do you know about
Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant?
Um, that depends.
Are you happy about it or angry?
He canceled my cast appearance
on his show.
Then I don't know anything
about it.
Miss Fine,
that dog was in your care.
How could you let this happen?
Well, I tried to pull
them apart as fast as I can,
but I guess I came too late,
and Chester too early.
Miss Fine!
Well, this may come as
a shock to you, mister,
but sometimes there is just no
controlling animalistic passion.
Yes, well, that's the difference
between us and animals.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh, yeah... No!
Stop that! Stop that!
( Jazz music playing )