The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 6 - Me and Mrs. Joan - full transcript

Now, you notice, Miss Fine,

how, how voluptuous
and fleshy this nude is.

Artist was obviously
inspired by Rubens.

Yeah, well, if you ask me,

she had one too many
Rubens herself.

Ah.

No, Miss Fine, back then,

a full figure was the standard
for beauty.

Meanwhile, if it were today,

you'd see her
sittin' around a piano bar,

singin' show-tunes
with her three gay friends.



Uh.

Oh, my God, it's my father.

Oh, well, you know,

my uncle Louis started to
develop breasts around 60.

What? No.

No, no, no, Miss Fine,
my father is in the gallery.

Oh!

Ah, I've got a few words to say

manipulative, son of a...
Oh!

Oh, my God, he's coming out.

- Come on, let's go, let's go.
- No, no, stop!

- Quick, hide me, hide me.
- No.

I will not perpetuate this feud
between you and your father.

First of all, it's completely...



- Just kiss me!
- Okay.

Maxwell!

Well, what a surprise.

Father.
Oh, good Lord.

Gracious me, Miss Fine,
would you believe it,

my father was actually
inside the gallery

that we were kissing
in front of.

Aha, what a coincidence.

Where are you gonna be tomorrow?

Who is this gorgeous woman

and what is she doing
kissing you, and not me?

Aha ha ha.

James Sheffield,
Maxwell's father.

Fran Fine, Maxwell's...

Well,
it depends on what day it is.

Come on, son,
give the old man a hug, huh?

Why? Don't you get enough
hugs from that secretary

you abandoned your family for?

Trollop.

What'd I do?

Maxwell, I never set out
to hurt your mother,

she's a lovely woman.

Shrew.

Look, I'll take it from him,
but you, I just met.

Well, it's been wonderful
seeing you, Father.

Why don't we do
this again in, say,

another, ooh, ten years?

Maxwell!

Well, that's it? Walk away?

Put a dagger through
your father's heart?

I could be dead in a year,

then you'll be sorry!

My God, you're Jewish?

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Just tell me, what is so
wrong with a 15-year-old guy

wanting to take ballet lessons?

Nothing, sweetheart.

It isn't you, is it?

Yes, it's me.

Well, you already look
like a boiled chicken

in a tank top.

Now you wanna wear tights?

Stop it.

Look how mature your
sister's being.

He goes to a different school.

No one knows we're related.

What is wrong with you people?

Just leave your brother alone.

He only wants to express
himself artistically.

- You're lookin' to meet chicks?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, Niles,
I think it's time

that I marched myself
into Mr. Sheffield's office

and talk to him that his son
wants to be a ballerina.

Mm-hmm.

What horrible thing
have you done

that won't seem so bad after
you tell him this?

I invited his father
to the house for dinner.

And you're gonna tell him now?

Ooh,
just let me get to the intercom.

Oof.

Talk to me, baby.

I can't believe she invited
his father to dinner.

What did he say?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was livid.

He said,
this time she'd gone too far,

and then he threatened to...

What?

What?

Fire her?

Okay.

Fire her.

Miss Fine, I cannot believe
you invited my father.

Are you trying to kill me?

'Cause you're not in the will,
you know?

You can't leave now,
my mother's coming over.

She's gonna think
we're having problems.

We are!

You're about to be found
floating in the river,

and I'm about to be pulled
in for questioning.

Oh.

Ooh, this is fabulous.

Relive the magic at home, 1995.

So much is going on.

Oh, I'd love to stay for dinner.

But you're not invited.

Miss Fine,
you have absolutely no idea

what you've gotten
yourself into.

The last time my father
and I dined together,

it almost came to blows.

Oh, you should see my
family at Fung Lung's

when they say they're
out of moo shu pork.

Pork, Miss Fine?

That doesn't count
when it's Chinese food.

Why don't you give
your father a chance

to make up for lost time?

I'm sure you'll find you've
got a lot in common.

No, unlike my father,

I am not about to abandon
my responsibilities

for sexual gratification
with some cheap floozy

who works for me.

Why?

( Doorbell rings )

Sir.

Niles, well,
you don't look a day older

than when you worked for me.

That was my father, sir.

Ah.

In that case,
you look like hell.

Maxwell,

I was thrilled to get
your message at the hotel,

asking me to come over here
for a reconciliation.

It takes a big man to do that.

Mm, actually, father,

it takes a woman with big hair.

Why don't you give your
father a break?

So he had an affair
with his secretary,

25 years ago.

You'll always be his son,
where is she today?

Here I am, darling.

- To die for!
- To die for!

Oh,

she is stunning and so tasteful.

Maxwell, darling.

( Kissing sounds )
Muah muah.

Look at you.

Oh, I remember when
you were a little boy

and you adored
playing hide and seek.

You always wanted
to hide underneath my skirt.

Or was that your father?

Darling,
not in front of the children.

- He he he. -Oh, he used
to love spying on us.

He and that chubby little chap

who used to clean up after him.

Hey, it was an awkward stage.

( Doorbell rings )

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Ah, here they are.

Naomi and Wynonna.

Trust me,
Dijon mustard comes right out.

Hmm, look at that stain.

Doesn't it look just like
Jill Eikenberry?

I spill a lot, too.

This used to be a salad.

Don't worry, darling.

I prefer it if James
doesn't wear a tie at all.

Just takes me longer
to undress him.

- Mmm.
- He he he.

Darling, don't tell secrets
out of the bedroom.

What bedroom?

I'm talking about last
night in the elevator

of the Equity Building.

Fran: Oh.

Woo, could I tell you
stories about this one?

Oh, boy, can I tell you

stories about this one.

Sure, I made 'em up,

but they'd knock your socks off.

You know, James,
it's funny how you ended up

with someone from the
other side of the river.

Ha ha ha.

Like father, like son.

Ma!

It's no insult, I'm,
I'm proud of the fact

that my father worked
on the tube for 30 years.

My father sat in front
of the tube for 40.

Do you know,
before I worked for James,

I almost got a job
at Buckingham Palace,

doing the queen's hair.

( Shrieks )
Ah!

I almost got a job
in the village

doing hair on queens.

Huh.

Well, Maxwell, it's, obviously,

we are attracted to
the same kind of woman.

You've inherited my gift

for mixing business
with pleasure.

Hmm, well, I'm sorry to
disappoint you, father,

but I hired Miss Fine

solely for her extensive
experience in child care.

That's right.

You had enough.
Niles, take it away.

So, James, you obviously
did well for yourself.

I mean, this isn't a cheap tie.

( James chuckles )

Although,
now it's not worth anything.

Hmm, I do all right, Sylvia,

I make most of my money
in investments.

In fact, I just got a hot tip

guaranteed to
triple your return,

no commitment, short-term.

Oh, no commitment, short-term?

Hmm, throw in some children
and a dumped wife,

and you got your life.

( James clears his throat )

Isn't this delightful?

Hmm, where did you get
the exquisite shrimp?

I came with her.

No, dear,
I meant the crustacean.

Oh, she's my daughter.

Jolly good.

Well, where were we?

Ah, yes,
Maxwell was calling me a tramp.

No offense, Joan, but, Father,

I cannot imagine
what possessed you

to bring this
woman into my home.

My poor mother,
sitting alone like a dog.

I thought you hated your mother.

Well, I like her now.

( James clears his throat )

Anyone see "Babe"?

How'd they get that pig

to learn all those lines?

Why don't you just cut
your father some slack?

I mean, he obviously just
wants to live his life,

hassle-free,
without any commitments.

Not unlike you.

Let it go.

The man's entitled
to a girlfriend.

Not if his wife has anything
to say about it.

( Fran gasps )
Huh.

- You're married?
- Mmm.

Isn't that delightful?

Ahem, well, we were playing
cat and mouse so long,

I decided to make an
honest woman out of her.

He he.

Well, I was wrong.

You and your father are
completely different.

And I like him better.

So, uh, Maxwell,

how about a toast to
me and my new wife?

- Aw.
- Wife?

I think gold-digger

is a more appropriate
description.

How dare you speak to your
mother like that?

- Huh?
- Oh!

Stepmother, darling,
useful stepmother.

You think after all this,

anyone would be in the mood

for their little red potatoes?

What am I, nuts?

A pig can't learn lines.

He musta used cue cards.

So, then Mr. Sheffield accused
her of being a gold-digger.

Which Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, please.

The young one.

Oh, we'll pick this up
later in the kitchen.

Bring a pair of alligator
Gucci's, 9-1/2 D.

Oh, Niles,

I should've never planned
that dinner party.

It just stirred up all kinds
of feelings

of anguish and resentment.

In you, when you found out

that a Sheffield would
marry an employee?

Yeah.

Oh, Fran,
I gotta dump this ballet class.

It's full of all these muscular,
good-looking guys

who are obviously there
to meet chicks too.

Not necessarily.

Honey, why don't you just quit?

Fran, I can't.
I'm the lightest one.

They already made me head swan.

Well, then
what're you worried about,

bein' labeled? Listen,

there are a lot of very
masculine ballet dancers.

Baryshnikov...

All right, you know what,
you'll tell your father

you joined the ballet class.

He'll pull you out
in two seconds.

Oh, thank you, Fran.

Not a moment too soon.

( Doorbell chimes )

I'll get it.

Oh, Fran, I hope you don't mind,

but I just had to talk to you.
( gasps )

- Love the outfit!
- Love the outfit!

Oh, I feel so terrible

about what happened the
other night at dinner.

You know, James pretends not
to care what Maxwell thinks,

but it's one of the things
that keeps him up at night.

I'm the other.

( Chuckles )

Oh, I think it's just so awful

- when a father and son are at odds.
- Yes.

I wish I can be there
to comfort Mr. Sheffield

when he's up all night.

- Do me a world o' good.
- Hmm,

you know, I never believed

that Maxwell would grow up to be

as judgmental and narrow-minded

as the rest of James' family.

They actually felt that
I wasn't of his class.

Hmm.
( sucking sounds )

- That is such bull.
- Hmm.

Do you know, it took 10 years

for James to finally
make his move?

10 years.

And when he finally made
his move,

the only reason he did it,
was that I went into his office

to change his typewriter ribbon,

wearing a sexy, little
mid-riff top

and a very,
very short mini skirt.

I can't dress like that.

You know I take care
of children.

I'll never forget how
he took me in his arms,

gazed into my eyes and
told me that he loved me.

And then he took it back?

No, then he proved it.

Six times.

I hate my life.

First, he dimmed the light,

then he grabbed me and
brought my body close to his,

and then with one
sweep of his arm,

he cleared the
desk of everything.

And then...
( giggles )

Oh, do you have any ice?

Oh, uh.

Yeah, here.

( laughs )

What?

What?

That was the first time

that I ever nibbled
on James' ear.

It drove him absolutely crazy.

- Ah!
- And then, I, uh...

( whispering sounds )

Oh, I can't do that, I'm Jewish.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

it's time to change your ribbon.

Where's your typewriter?

It's in the attic with
my Peter Max posters.

See ya.

Oh, Miss Fine, wait.

Yes?

I've had an epiphany.

Already?

Just from doing this?

I've always resented my father

for his total lack of concern
for anyone's feelings,

but his own.

He's always lived solely
for his own pleasure.

Maybe, that ain't so bad, huh?

I mean, maybe,
he's got the right idea.

I mean, I'm a man.

I have needs too, right?

Oh, good,
'cause I can use a couple of

multiple epiphanies, myself.
( snaps fingers )

I got a problem.

All right, honey,
solve it yourself.

- It builds character.
- No, no, no.

Okay, Dad, here it is.

I'm in a ballet class and
I don't care what you say.

I love it, and I'm stayin' in.

Well, son, you should do
whatever makes you happy.

Even if you call the school

and demand they take
me out of that class,

- I'm not leavin'.
- I want you to do it.

Would you let me
live my own life?

For the love of God,
I'm a ballerina!

Oh, I'll tell ya,

he is so lucky that
he's got people

that love and support him.

Oh!
Come here,

look how baggy his butt
looks in those tights.

( Both laugh )

So, you were sayin'
you're a man,

you got needs.

Well, maybe,
I should just face the fact

that my father fell in
love with his secretary.

And your sister fell in
love with her chauffeur.

And my grandfather
married his maid.

No sense breakin' tradition.

None that I can see.

Wait, something is missing.

- What, what?
- Oh, I know.

( Maxwell growls )

- Mmm, mmm.
- Mmm, mmm.

( Knocking on door )

What're you doing here?

I'm picturing myself
in Miss Babcock's BMW.

Well, we're off to San Tropez.

Here,
we just came to say goodb...

Hi, hello!

Ha ha ha ha.

He he he he.

Oh.

Honey, you've got a post-it
on your bum.

Aha ha ha ha.

Oh.
( giggles )

So, Father,
I'm glad you stopped by.

I, I think I owe you an apology.

Well, you know, you don't
wanna keep 'em waiting.

I mean,
there's a big time difference

where you're going,
you're probably late already.

Yeah, just,
just a moment, Miss Fine,

I have something I need
to say to my father.

All righty, then.

Father, I believe I was
wrong about you...

- That was beautiful.
- I...

Enjoy your trip.

We're wiped out!

We lost $25,000 on that
investment of yours.

Well, you win some,
you lose some.

Thank God,
that's all you invested.

That was our entire
life savings.

Oh, stop it.

You said it was guaranteed,
"Triple our money".

Oh, Ma, nobody forced you,

you can't point fingers.

That was the money that we
were gonna move to Boca with.

You are a dead man.

Father,
how could you be so cavalier?

These people are living
on a fixed income.

I, I feel faint,
I need something.

I'll get you some water.

No, steak.
I need protein.

And honey,
I think we should dash off

if we're gonna make it
to Constantine's yacht.

- Mm-hmm. -You are so
incredibly insensitive.

How can you say I'm insensitive,

when you're the one who's
making me late for cocktails?

What was I thinking?

I, I was actually trying
to be more like you.

Well,
now I remember how much pain

your selfishness causes
other people.

I'm sorry, Miss Fine,

I'm sorry for what
almost happened here.

Well, that's bloody
over with now.

All righty, then.

Hope you realize that our
Christmas get together

at my chalet in Tuscany is off.

You think I'd actually want
to spend my holidays

in the Italian countryside,
gorging on rich food,

partying with European
glitterati?

Well, I wouldn't.

And I wouldn't dream
of subjecting

my family to it, either.

Why?

Come on, Joan.

Just a minute.

Darling,
I know what you're thinking,

but there's a part
of James that is good.

( Sighs )

Not as good as it
was 20 years ago,

but it does the job.

Oh, and by the way, darling,

I think that junior
may still come around,

but I'd lay off the chocolates,
if I were you.

Oh, Miss Fine,
I feel awful about your parents

not being able to move to Boca.

You feel awful?

If there's anything
I could give them

to help smooth things over.

- Grandchildren?
- Mmm.

Maybe, I should just reimburse
them for the money they lost.

Absolutely not.

They're way too proud.

They would never take it.

They'll just talk about
it constantly,

nag you incessantly,

and never let it die
until you do.

Hmm.

Oh, don't look now,

but your father's in
that gallery again.

Huh, quick, he's coming out.

Come here.

Miss Fine,
that is not my father.

Oh, my mistake.

( Jazz music playing )