The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 5 - Freida Needa Man - full transcript

- These were delivered for you.
- Oh, great.

Ah, Miss Fine!

Filling in for your cousin,
Mel, the doorman again?

I wish.

Is that a cushy job or what?

All he does is open doors
and receive packages.

A baboon could do that.

Oh, well, of course,
a highly-trained baboon.

Mr. Sheffield,
what do you think?

I'm gonna mix and mingle
at the yacht club today.

- The yacht club?
- Uh-huh.



That's setting your sights
a little high, isn't it?

You know,
I am not the same chick

I was when I started
here three years ago.

I mean, I can't look for
love in all the old joints,

now that I've acquired so
much class and panache.

There's that Band-Aid that
came off in the bath tub.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪



♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Sweetheart,
thank God you're home.

I have to warn you.
You're in terrible danger!

( Sniffs )
Hmm.

Did Niles make a noodle kugel?

Ma, would you concentrate?

Pretend you're full.

Did Aunt Freida call?

Yeah. She said her apartment was
being painted,

so I said she could stay here
for the night.

- Oh, aye, I' am too late.
- What?

She's been thrown out
of her apartment.

( Fran gasps )
She is broke.

They even took away her
nightclub to pay for her taxes.

No more Freida's La Freak?

That place was like
an institution.

Has this city no soul?

They're putting in a Loehmann's.

Oh, well, you know,
you really can't fight progress.

She's hitting up everyone in the
family for a place to stay.

How could this happen?

The woman's buried
five husbands.

You'd think that she can
live off of what she found

in their old pants' pockets.

What happened to Fred,
her millionaire boyfriend?

Well, she's afraid.

If he knows that she's broke,

he'll think that she's
after him for his money.

Well, isn't she?

If she has a brain in that
fat head of hers, she is.

Poor Aunt Freida,

she came this close to makin'
it as a singer.

And her damn boyfriend,
Steve had to go and meet Eydie.

( Doorbell rings )

Well, good luck getting
rid of Freida now.

She's like a Cesarean scar.

You'll have her for life.

Freid!

Syl!

Both: Muah, muah.

So, how are Morty's mumps?

They're still contagious?

Very.

Fred, get out of the car.

He's so sweet,
but he's such a schmegegge.

Fred, honey, pull the knob up.

How could such
a schmegegge become so rich?

This from a woman who
voted for Ross Perot?

Fred.

Fred, I'd like you to meet
my sister-in-law, Sylvia,

and her daughter, Fran.

I'm Sylvia.

I'm gonna go upstairs and
steam a couple of things.

Fred, would you like to come in?

Hmm?

Oh, no, no.
I'm fine out here.

Now, I've got a light

and a chair.
( chuckles )

I don't want to be a bother.

( Door slams shut )

What do you know,
he's half Jewish.

♪ Will someone
tell me when is it my turn ♪

♪ Don't I get a dream
for myself ♪

♪ Starting now it's
gonna be Mr. Sandman ♪

♪ Yes, bring me a dream
boom boom boom boom ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ A dream about you and you ♪

( Fran joins in )
♪ And you ♪

Who needed a little bite to eat?

Your 17-pound turkey is ready.

Excuse me,
I'm taking a short break.

Enjoy the buffet.

Well,
now that that's taken care of,

I can go to my yacht club.

Speaking of turkeys,

how many arrangements
does that human karaoke know?

Well, that depends.

Has she already done
her tribute to Chaka Khan?

C.C., would you mind leaving
us alone for a moment?

I'd like a word
with the skipper.

Well, exactly how long

is your Aunt's engagement
here going to last?

Because, we... we do have
another act coming in.

From the nanny agency!

Well, if you'll just
retract those veins,

I'll tell you a perfectly
good explanation.

There is no explanation why that
woman is still in my house!

A very wealthy and repressed

man's in love with her.

But he's not ready to commit.

Well, that's understandable.

Uh-huh.

It's only fair that
she give him plenty of time.

And how much time
are we talkin'? Hmm?

Oh, I don't know.

Can't rush these things.

Yeah, well, I hope he knows that
he doesn't have forever,

because she's not gonna
wait around like some schlub,

since she can't even
spit in this town

without hitting some
eligible classy guy.

Uh, well, good bloody luck
to her catching one.

Because men seldom date women

who say the word "schlub"
and rarely marry those who spit.

Oh!

Your big fat ears get all that,
Niles?

It's just me, Daddy.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

- Do me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.

Tell the man
with the big fat ears

next to you I'd like a drink.

- He said he wants a drink.
- Niles: I heard him.

- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.

Thanks.

All right, all right.

I'm leaving.

What was that about?

That woman tried to get in
with a Xeroxed membership card.

Huh, and it looked do phony.

Oh, my God!

Well, I'm surprised she didn't
dip it in tea first

to give it that aged look.

Then you paste on one
of those magnetic strips

from the back of an
old Blockbuster's card,

before giving it that authentic
look of laminating it.

You wouldn't believe what
people will do to marry up.

Oh, boy, you know,
that is so superficial.

Give me a working man any day.

What do you do?

I'm a chauffeur.

That seat's taken.

Oh!

Fred!

Oh, Fred!

Hi!

It's okay, Fred.
You can talk to me.

Oh, I don't want to bother you.

You look like you're in
the middle of something.

Yeah, my child-bearing years.

Fred, come on over here, honey.

I didn't know you were a member.

Oh, yes, yes.
For years now.

Oh?

This is my favorite time of day.

I love to come over and watch
the bartenders cut the fruit.

No, no, no. When you're rich,
they call it eccentric.

You know, Fred,
I'm really glad I ran into you.

It's so obvious that,
you know, you're a shy guy.

But you really feel
strongly about Freida.

Why don't you pop the question?

Oh, Freida would never marry me.

She's so vibrant, sexy.

I want whatever he's drinkin'.

I really don't know
what she sees in me.

Uh.

It's your eyes.

Besides, I can never give her the
kind of life that she shoots to.

- Uh-huh.
- Parties, night-clubbing.

I'm not a very exciting man.

I can't even...

Oh, Fred.

Don't be embarrassed.

You know,
you can do other things

and really most women
just like to cuddle.

I was going to say dance.

Ah.

Well, that's good

because that cuddle thing
is a big myth.

Oh, Fred,
I can teach you how to dance.

A couple of private lessons.

You'll sweep her off her feet.

You must really love your aunt.

She'd be moved.

Well, moving my aunt is a big
priority of my family.

I should've never let
you teach me the mambo.

Oh, no, Fred, it's okay.

You know, in China,

women without toes are
considered sexy.

Well, let's face it, Fran.

I'll never be
known for my dancing.

Nonsense, Fred.

You're very light on your feet.

I'm sure there was a pair of
ski boots under here somewhere.

Look,
let's forget the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, Fred, Fred.

If you don't leave here
with Freida,

I will regret it for the rest
of my life.

Did I say "I"?

Let me demonstrate.

Watch me.

♪ One two three
One two three ♪

♪ Turn turn turn. ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy ♪

♪ Ah ah ♪

Now you try.

( Mambo music playing )

I'll never be as good as you.

Don't compare yourself to me.

I was on "Dance Fever."

I'll just show you a couple of
steps so you can fake it, okay?

Hmm.

Now, one two three...

Hey!

I kin... I kinda like that.

You're getting it.

Ooh-ah!

Now, just keep doing the
same thing over and over again.

Ooh-ah!

Well, not that.
That could get annoying.

Oh, Fr-Fran,
wait, ooh.

Well, you're doing great!

Fran, now, there's something
wrong with my arm.

Worry more about your feet.

- No, really.
- Fred, not so close.

Don't dip me! Fred!

Fred!

Fred?

Whoa, Fred.

Oh, my God!

( Gasps )
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my God!

Fred, I hope for your sake,
that's rigor mortis setting in.

Woman on PA:
Dr. Warner,

wanted in radiology, please.

Oh, can you believe that she did
this to me under my own roof?

Oh, my mama.

I'm gonna faint.

- Hold me.
- Hold you?

I'm still paying for this hip.

Ya happy, hot pants?

Don't you yell at my daughter,
Nettie?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Are you so desperate
to get married?

Where is this insanity
coming from?

( Sobbing )

Mr. Sheffield is here,
put some lipstick on.

Why won't anyone believe me?

I was just trying to
get those two together.

Just because he was lying
on top of me

with romantic music at 1:00
in the morning doesn't mean...

You know,
this would all be a non-issue

if I was running opposite Dole.

I've got an 8:00 a.m.
appointment.

Niles, would you let
C.C. know what happened?

Oh, I already phoned her, sir.

Told her a certain millionaire
suffered a heart attack

in Miss Fine's bed.

C.C.: Maxwell!

You're all right!

Oh, dear,
you thought I meant him?

He can have visitors now,
but he's weak,

so you should only go
in one at a time.

Thank you.

Thanks for taking
such good care of him.

I really appreciate...

Fred.

Freddy.

It's your Freidela.

Are you... are you all right?

Can you hear?

His color's not so good.

Well,
that hose you're standing on

might have something
to do with it.

You have the nerve
to speak to me?

I didn't do anything!
I'm innocent!

Shh, shh, shh.

Look,
he's trying to say something.

Fran, you're so good.

Put my leg where?

Where the heck is that hose?

You... you husband stealer, you!

Now, who-who's gonna
take care of me?

Where am I gonna live?

( Shouting )

Any idea of Miss Fine

being seriously involved
with Fred is absurd.

Oh, why do you say that, sir?

Come on, man.

He is nice, but,

but she couldn't be interested
in him after...

me.

What's so great about you?

I mean,
what's so great about you

- is your ability...
- Oh, shut up!

I know.

Of course,
it's only a matter of time

before she does find someone

if she keeps
putting herself out there.

Do you think she's doing all
of this just to spite me

for taking back the,
you know, thing?

Well,
it's very difficult to say, sir.

Considering the fact that

I don't know what the
bloody thing is!

Oh, well,
I might as well tell you.

Oh.
( phone rings )

We'll get back to them.

First of all,
no one else must ever know

what I'm about to tell you.

All right, let me see.
We were uh,

we were on our way back
from Paris,

and, uh, well,

I thought we were about to die.

So I turned to Miss Fine
and I told her I loved her.

Then I panicked,

took it back and, ( scoffs )

that's it.

So, now you know,

what the thing is.

( Door shuts )

( Niles screaming )

Fran, I refuse to share a
bathroom with your aunt anymore.

I brushed my teeth
with some chick product.

Don't even wanna speculate
what that was.

Oh,
what are you complaining about?

There's like a toenail from
Jurassic Park in my bathroom.

And look at this.

Your aunt ate the entire box
of chocolates

that my boyfriend gave me.

Oh, don't worry kids.

I'll take care of everything.

Nanny Fine, I didn't know
you were attracted to

decrepit old men.

Am I gonna have to keep my
eye on the two of you now?

In my day, two people got
to know each other first.

In your day,
there only were two people.

Fran! Franny, darling!

Fred regained consciousness.

He explained everything.

- Oh.
- And then, he proposed!

So can you ever forgive me?

- Did you accept?
- Yeah!

All is forgiven.

Muah!

( Children talking excitedly )

Oh, look how excited
they are for me.

Not quite yet, my loves.

Because, you know,
there's still so much to do.

And I haven't even decided

where I'm gonna have
the ceremony

now that I'm getting married.

Hear! Hear!

Here?

Oh, what a doll!

Muah, muah.

So, I'm gonna upstairs and try
on my old wedding gown.

Come on, kids.

Help zip me up.

I'll get the pliers.

All right, I, uh,

I know something just happened.

You just offered
to have Freida's wedding here.

What?

Why didn't you bloody
say something?

Oh, calm down.

Do you think that I would
subject you to the horror

of a Fine family affair?

Not after what happened at
Grandma Yetta's birthday party,

which you know nothing about.

So what am I bringing
that up for?

Moving on, moving on.

I can't believe I agreed to let
Freida have her wedding here.

Oh, relax.

I've got a plan.

Oh, thank God.

First, I'll go out
and buy a dress for the wedding.

Yes, right.
Better give me a credit card.

This way it looks like
you're going along with it.

Oh, uh, right, right.

Okay, now,
while I'm doin' that, you,

- this'll be a snap for you.
- Okay, okay.

- Go upstairs,
- Yeah?

- Find Freida,
- Uh-huh?

And take it back.

This is beautiful.

Why is it families
only get together

at weddings and funerals?

You know, you wore that dress
to her last wedding.

I'm saving the new one
for your shiva, Nettie.

Well, we don't need anything
old or blue.

I just shoved Freida
into her corset.

( laughing )

- Fran, Fran.
- Yes, yes.

- Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

I can't go through with this.

Oh, Fred,
now I don't want to hear that

you're not good enough
for Freida.

You're a wonderful guy.

I'd marry ya in a second.

Then marry me.

I think I'm in love with you.

Fred!
Don't be ridiculous!

You... you're just getting
cold feet.

I'll give you
anything you've ever wanted.

Yes, I'm worth millions.

This'll do.

No, no, Fred.

You don't love me.

You love Freida.

You guys make a perfect couple.

There is nothing more right
in this whole world.

This is so wrong.

Say anything
to disturb this ceremony,

and you're dead.

And do you, Freida Rubinsky,

Mannerino,

Chung-Dao,

Bitterman,

( mouthing )
No, no.

Excuse us, coming through,

excuse me, just a minute,
thank you.

I can't let Freida go
through with this.

Oh, yes, you can.

My house has turned
into a pest motel.

Where the Fines check in,
but they don't check out.

You don't understand.

He doesn't wanna marry her.

He said he loves me.

He's confused.

The man just had a near
death experience.

He didn't know
what he was saying.

Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

Now you're takin'
it back for him?

Oh, you know,
maybe ignorance is bliss.

Maybe I should just
let them be happy.

I mean, Freida's
been widowed five times,

maybe six will be her
lucky number, who knows?

I do.

Freida: Fred!

Fred!

He said I do!

All: We heard it.

( Woman on TV laughing )

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look,

Aunt Freida sent us a tape
from their honeymoon.

Oh, I can't believe
how well Fred recovered.

I know.
Doesn't he look incredible?

Boy, that quadruple bypass
really did the trick.

Hmm.

( laughing )

Next week I'm gonna teach
him the Macarena.

( Jazz music playing )