The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Rosie Show - full transcript
After Fran makes a witty remark regarding child rearing from the audience of _"Rosie O'Donnell Show, The" (1996)_, Rosie suggests that Fran become a regular weekly fixture on the show, responding to write-in questions on child rearing. Although Fran is excited about being on a national television show, she is worried about having to tell Maxwell that she will be moonlighting from her job of taking care of his children. Surprisingly, Maxwell does allow Fran this opportunity without fuss as he figures she doesn't do much for the kids anyway. Fran becomes such a hit on the show that even C.C. wants to be her manager. Maxwell on the other hand is now afraid that Fran will leave his life forever. Maxwell learns from Sylvia and Yetta that a spirit named Bubby Sophie lords over the Fine family and that anything that Bubby Sophie says, goes. So Maxwell concocts a plan to pretend that he had a nightmare with Bubby Sophie telling Fran that she needs to quit the show or else life for everybody will turn out badly. The ploy doesn't work as Maxwell chose the wrong spirit in which to channel. But the producers at the show come to Maxwell's rescue.
Oh, I can't believe we're here to
see "The Rosie O'Donnell Show."
( applause and cheering )
After his incredibly memorable
performance in the hit film,
"Four Weddings and a Funeral,"
our first guest has
gone on to become
one of today's
hottest movie stars.
His new movie, "Extreme
Measures," opens next Friday.
Please say hello to Hugh Grant.
Rosie: Hello
- Hugh: Hi.
- Rosie: How are ya?
You shot it here in New York?
We shot most of it
here in New York.
Yeah, yeah,
that's an experience.
Um,
I mean it's a nice experience.
Don't get me wrong, but just,
took some adjustment.
You know,
I'm used to English film sets
where everyone's very very
nice to you all the time,
and "hello, love,
can I get you anything?"
"-Cup of tea, donuts?" that
kind of stuff. -Right.
And here, I find myself
getting cups of tea
and donuts for the drivers, umm.
( laughing )
Oh, is he to die for or what?
Oh, that thick kinda hair
and that adorable
English accent.
Ugh, me stuck in
the house all day,
where am I gonna ever
meet a guy like that?
( Jazz music playing )
All right, we're back.
Hey, I'm on TV.
Hey, buddy.
Stifle!
Uh, that's my lovely
assistant telling me
that my son will not
go down for his nap.
Uh, put on C-Span,
those senators put each
other to sleep.
That's pretty funny.
Who said that?
Try that, try that.
Rosie: Stand up.
Oh, look, I'm on the monitor.
Oh, good. The camera puts
ten pounds on the hair too.
Rosie: Hey!
Fran: Hi!
Rosie: Hi! How are ya?
- I'm good, thank you.
- What's your name?
Uh, umm, Fran Fine.
Fran Fine, Miss Rosie O'Donnell.
( Camera clicks )
You know, it's two for
one on Saturday at Pathmark.
I like glossy.
But if you like a matte finish,
- I'm sure...
- Listen, I'm not Sally Jesse.
I can't pretend I care, okay?
Okay.
All right,
how many kids you got, Fran?
Kids? No.
Know what I mean?
All the,
the whining and the diapers
and the schlepping, puh-lease.
Oh, yeah?
What do you do for a living?
I'm a nanny.
There you have it.
Oh, let's see what this is.
Emergency...
Hey, Fran, your trick worked.
Two minutes with C-Span,
- my son is out like a light.
- Aah!
Of course,
watching all the senators,
he now has a hooker
in the crib with him.
- That's funny.
- You're funny.
I like your laugh.
Listen, why don't you meet me
in the dressing room
after the show?
- We could talk.
- Oh, oh, my God.
This is incredible.
I, uh, I swear,
I have dreamed of this
exact moment.
Only my outfit was tighter,
my hair was bigger
and you were Streisand.
You can't have everything.
Fran Fine, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be back with Chaka Khan,
right after this.
( Applause )
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
I can't believe we're in
Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room.
I'm so nervous, I don't
know what to do with myself.
You know, I'm doin'
what any real fan would do.
I'm going through her stuff.
Oh, wow.
She really does shop at Kmart.
Hey, where's my favorite nanny?
Hey, how's the professor?
( laughing )
You're going through
my stuff, aren't ya?
Me? Oh, uh, no, no.
This is hers. Here honey.
She went through your stuff.
Oh, I'd like you to meet
my best friend, Val.
Oh, I loved you in "Misery".
When you broke
James Caan's legs,
I was screamin'.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I won an Oscar
for that performance.
- ( Mouthing ) I know.
- Uh, this is Gracie,
one of the three beautiful
children that I take care of.
Hi, Gracie.
You know, I care about
them more than myself.
Yeah, where are the other two?
Oh, I swapped the tickets
so me and Val could get in.
Oh.
Hey, Fran. I was talking
to the producer outside.
What do you think of doing
a weekly spot on the show?
You know, about child care?
Oh, my God!
Me? On "The Rosie O'Donnell
Show"?
In front of millions of people?
What's your male demographic?
Hmm, you know,
you're perfect for TV.
You're funny, you're beautiful,
and you
obviously adore children.
Oh, you know,
I am a nurturer by nature.
- Hmm. -Fran, I have to
go to the bathroom.
Nanny's busy, honey.
Cross your legs.
Uh, honey, let me be the
one to tell your father
about the job on
"Rosie O'Donnell."
He doesn't understand how
I can juggle a million things
and still stay on the ball.
Huh, oh, oh.
Oh. Phew.
Your brother and sister didn't
come with us tonight.
Fran, did you tell
Val not to tell anyone?
Oh, who's she gonna tell?
I'm her only friend.
Congratulations!
Val!
Oh, I'm sorry but you are
all going to have to leave.
This isn't my house.
He's not home.
Photo op!
( Camera shutters clicking )
Oh, I can't tell you how
this job on the "Rosie Show"
makes me so...
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
( Everyone singing )
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
It's, it's all right Miss Fine.
Niles told me all about it.
( Door shuts )
Why do you have to
be such a yenta?
I am not a yenta.
I'm just sucking up
so he'll tell me
what the thing on the plane
on the way back from Paris was.
Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset
that I'm gonna be
working two jobs?
Two jobs?
What's the other one?
Oh! Here! Yes.
Fran, you were born to
be in front of the camera.
- It's in your genes.
- Oh.
You know,
I was gonna be a model.
But, you know what stopped me?
What's in your genes?
- Uh, Mr. Sheffield?
- Hmm?
You know, you're certainly
being supportive.
Ah, well, Miss Fine,
that's what I meant when
I said we should be friends.
You mean,
when you took back the thing?
Narrator: The definition
of "The Thing"...
Miss Fine,
friends should be supportive.
They don't dwell on the past.
Oh, yeah, they do.
I mean, you know,
our people might have
enjoyed "Hogan's Heroes,"
but that doesn't mean
that we're gonna go out
and drive a Mercedes.
All right,
we may drive a Mercedes,
But it doesn't mean
we're gonna fly Lufthansa.
- Unless we have mileage.
- Yes, yes, yes.
All right, I get the point.
You are never gonna forgive
me for taking back the thing.
- Well,
- What are you two doing,
airing your dirty laundry
in public?
Let's go into the office
where we can be more private.
( Door slams shut )
Speak into the flower.
Please welcome,
America's favorite nanny,
Fran Fine.
( Applause )
All right,
your first letter right now.
"Dear Fran,
my son sits too close
to our TV set when he's
watching. What should I do?"
From Marian, Dayton, Ohio.
Oh, well, Mary, here's the
thing. Get a bigger TV.
This way, his head will be
comparatively smaller
and it won't block
your view, honey.
Man on speaker: Score!
( music playing )
This is from Jackie Hall
in New Jersey.
"Dear Fran,
I choose not to breastfeed.
But my husband thinks I should.
What should I do?"
Well, that depends, Jackie.
Do you have any children?
( laughing )
( audience cheering )
I can't do no more.
All right, one more.
Thank you!
Bye, everyone!
I love you!
( People cheering )
You know, Maxwell,
I think it's nice
Nanny Fine is doing
that little talk show thing.
It gives us so much
more time together.
Our relationship's just
grown by leaps and bounds.
Miss Fine, you're back.
Ooh, I do hope
you've come to kibbitz.
I do love it when we kibbitz.
Mr. Sheffield,
I just wanted to say that,
you know,
I know I haven't been here a lot
and I really feel
guilty about it.
And not just the usual
low level hum of guilt
that every Jew feels.
Oh, nonsense, Miss Fine.
Just, just promise
me one thing though.
When you become famous,
you won't forget us?
Hmm?
Of course, there are a
couple of little things
we can forget and move on, eh?
No, no, no.
We'll always have Paris.
Nanny Fine, do you mind? We were
in the middle of something.
This is a place of business.
( perfume sprays )
Oh, it's okay.
I have lot of messages
to return.
Look at this. Proctor and
Gamble, Gerber's, Pampers.
What exactly does a national
spokesperson do, anyway?
They get their best friend
C.C. to be their agent.
Oh, you know, I really am
too nice to negotiate big deals.
I guess I should
have a ruthless,
blood sucking leech on my side.
I'll take that as a yes!
What exactly does an agent get?
- You mean you don't know?
- No.
- 50%.
- C.C.!
Okay, 40%.
Miss Fine and Miss Babcock
walking arm in arm.
Isn't that one of the Biblical
signs of the Apocalypse?
Fran, I thought you were
going to read me my book.
Oh, ho ho.
Little girl.
If you can't read by now,
start suing your school system.
Nanny Fine, listen to this.
"The children of
St. Andrews' Orphanage"
would love to meet you.
"I'm sorry, we can't afford
your personal appearance fee."
Yeah, right.
I'm sorry too.
B, what are you
doin' home so late?
Well, I had detention.
I thought someone was gonna
come down to my school,
sit on my teacher's desk, cross
her legs and get me out of it.
- Oh.
- Quit whining.
Fran forgot to chaperone
me on my date.
You don't hear me complaining.
A hickey, Maggie?
Did you really think that
you were gonna hide
a hickie from me
with a little pressed powder?
You need oil-based concealer.
Oh, kids.
I've been neglecting you.
I'm so sorry.
It's just because I've
been so busy with Rosie,
I'm forgetting everything.
I don't even know how
I get dressed in the morning.
Oh! My God!
Oh, it's a thong, okay.
Now, children, I do hope
we're not pestering Miss Fine.
We've all got to try to be
a little more supportive.
With her new found celebrity,
Miss Fine is bound to be a
little less accessible to us.
Now run along, go on.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm just as accessible
as I always was.
( Doorbell rings )
I'm telling you,
I'm still the same
old schlub you met
when I came here.
Hi, Trumpy!
Donald Trump,
I'd like you to meet...
Oh, what am I talking about?
All you handsome
zillionaires know each other.
Donald!
Maxwell Sheffield,
how do you do?
You know, Donald
called me on "The Rosie Show"
and invited me to a party
at Elaine's for Demi,
who is on the cover of "George."
But I don't wanna name drop.
- I'll see you in the limo.
- All right.
( Cell phone rings )
Hello?
I told you not to call
me on this line again.
( Cell phone rings )
That's better.
Aah, you know, Mr. Sheffield?
A lot of men in your position
would be threatened by me
runnin' with movers and shakers
rubbin' elbows and
God knows what else.
Hmm.
But not you.
You're really happy for me.
Now I know you
meant when you said
you wanted us to be friends.
Of course.
I am very happy for you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Niles, fetch me a bottle
of champagne, would you?
To toast Miss Fine's success?
No, to shoot my eye
out with a cork!
Come on, Nanny Fine,
we don't want to be late.
You know, we're meeting
Uma and Uda to see
Emma with Oprah.
Then dinner with Kira,
Courtney and Keanu at,
oh, what's that place again?
Oh, I'm so bad with names.
( Sighs )
Niles, hypothetically,
if you cared very
deeply for someone,
but feared losing them,
what would you say
to get them to stay?
Oh, sir.
I'm not going anywhere.
Not you, you blithering idiot!
Miss Fine.
( Doorbell rings )
Well, aren't you
gonna answer the door?
Oh, is that what that bell is?
Ah, you know, I never knew that
because I'm such a
blithering idiot.
Oh, thank God you're all right.
Oh, why shouldn't I be?
- Give me a hug.
- What?
Oh! I was so worried.
Make yourself scarce.
Bubbe Sophie came
to her in a dream
and told her you were
gonna have a horrible accident.
You rushed over
here just because
someone appeared to
you in a dream?
Does everyone in your family
take this Bubbe Sophie
thing seriously?
They do if they know
what's good for them.
She told me,
you were gonna come
home from work,
and kiss a perky
brunette at the door,
and take a terrible fall
over the ottoman.
Ma, that's the opening
of "The "Dick Van Dyke Show."
I'm telling you.
It was in this very house.
Look.
Here's Richie.
And there's Millie.
Fran: Oh, good night, Niles.
Oh, I'm so full.
You know what,
for breakfast tomorrow,
just give me two
Belgian waffles.
( moaning )
Oh, no. No.
( Moaning continues )
Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield.
Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, ah, ah, where am I?
Oh, Miss Fine,
what are you doing here?
Well, I heard
moaning and screaming
coming from your room
and I figured I should
be a part of it.
I just had a horrible dream.
Calm down.
Tell me what you dreamt and
I'll tell you what it meant.
Well, uh, I was at a party,
some sort of a celebration for,
for you.
Do you know someone
named Bubbe Sophie?
My Bubbe Sophie
came to you in a dream?
Ugh, she was horrible.
Wretched.
They said she looked like me.
Oh, with a fantastic body.
Anyway, we were in a cemetery.
Everyone was having
a great time.
We were just about
to toast your success
when...
♪ Maxwell! ♪
♪ What's this I hear ♪
♪ About your
nanny on a talk show ♪
♪ On a talk show! ♪
♪ Who's the schmuck ♪
♪ Who let her do
this to your children? ♪
♪ To your children ♪
♪ With a blink ♪
♪ We understand ♪
♪ You've taken
back the thing ♪
♪ Yes, the thing ♪
♪ She should be so
happy just to have you ♪
♪ As a friend ♪
My Bubbe said that?
Sounds crazy, no?
♪ If your nanny stays
on Rosie's show ♪
♪ The kids will
grow up wrong ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Miss Babcock
will get Max ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Fran will stay
single all her life ♪
♪ Her life! ♪
♪ Phee phee phee ♪
♪ That's Fran's fate ♪
♪ If she stays
on Rosie's show ♪
I'm sorry Miss Fine,
did I scare you?
Uh, yeah, I'm terrified.
So, what do you think
this dream could mean?
Oh, well, it's obvious.
Something horrible's
gonna happen to me
unless I quit "The Rosie Show."
No way.
You think?
You're absolutely right.
Yeah, thank God I
don't buy into all that
Bubbe Sophie mishigas.
What?
Mishigas.
Means crap.
No, no, I mean,
I mean why don't you believe
in Bubbe Sophie
like your entire family?
Oh, you think I'm gonna make
a life altering decision based
on some woman I never even met
that comes to you in a dream?
What am I nuts?
Now, if Barbra had
come to you in a dream...
( shudders audibly )
Oh, don't do "Funny Girl," sir.
Barbra is so obvious.
Do fiddler instead.
Sir, I said the whole
dream idea was ridiculous.
Stop underestimating
Miss Fine's intelligence
and be honest with
her for a change.
Tell her how you feel.
Oh my God, that's the Thing!
You told her how you felt
and then you took it back.
Oh, no.
You'd never be that stupid.
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, there you are, Miss Fine.
Where have you been?
Hanging with the hip crowd?
No, visiting Yetta.
I was with the hip
replacement crowd.
But you know,
she told me not to be so quick
to blow off your dream
about Bubbe Sophie.
She said that it was a sign that
I wasn't meant to
be in the limelight.
And, you know, the kids need me.
- Hmm.
- You need me.
For the kids, calm down.
So I told Rosie that this week
was gonna be my last show.
- Oh!
- Oh, well, that's your decision.
And that's why I have an
office and you clean it.
- Got fired?
- Yeah.
Wait till you
see my replacements.
They got this
retired couple from Florida
doing cheapo restaurant
reviews. Ugh!
- Man: It's $10.95 for a full dinner.
- Rosie: Yeah?
- Includes salad,
- yeah?
- Soup, dessert,
- Yeah, yeah?
- Coffee, and then,
- Uh-huh? Yeah?
- If you go with four people,
- Yeah?
- You get one free!
- You get one dinner free!
Yeah!
Can you believe they bumped me
for these two characters?
Please!
My parents could do better.
Here's the sketch, boss.
I gotta get ready
for my dream date.
With who?
Well, I don't know.
I have to fall asleep first.
- Laura.
- Sal.
Hi.
I'm nearly done.
Oh, darling,
I hope you're not upset,
but I did something
I wasn't supposed to.
Oh, honey,
it couldn't have been that bad.
- I mean,
- What'd you do?
I pushed our beds together.
Come on, let's go home.
Oh, no.
You're not going anywhere.
Alan wants to know
what the thing is.
Oh! Ma!
( Jazz music playing )
see "The Rosie O'Donnell Show."
( applause and cheering )
After his incredibly memorable
performance in the hit film,
"Four Weddings and a Funeral,"
our first guest has
gone on to become
one of today's
hottest movie stars.
His new movie, "Extreme
Measures," opens next Friday.
Please say hello to Hugh Grant.
Rosie: Hello
- Hugh: Hi.
- Rosie: How are ya?
You shot it here in New York?
We shot most of it
here in New York.
Yeah, yeah,
that's an experience.
Um,
I mean it's a nice experience.
Don't get me wrong, but just,
took some adjustment.
You know,
I'm used to English film sets
where everyone's very very
nice to you all the time,
and "hello, love,
can I get you anything?"
"-Cup of tea, donuts?" that
kind of stuff. -Right.
And here, I find myself
getting cups of tea
and donuts for the drivers, umm.
( laughing )
Oh, is he to die for or what?
Oh, that thick kinda hair
and that adorable
English accent.
Ugh, me stuck in
the house all day,
where am I gonna ever
meet a guy like that?
( Jazz music playing )
All right, we're back.
Hey, I'm on TV.
Hey, buddy.
Stifle!
Uh, that's my lovely
assistant telling me
that my son will not
go down for his nap.
Uh, put on C-Span,
those senators put each
other to sleep.
That's pretty funny.
Who said that?
Try that, try that.
Rosie: Stand up.
Oh, look, I'm on the monitor.
Oh, good. The camera puts
ten pounds on the hair too.
Rosie: Hey!
Fran: Hi!
Rosie: Hi! How are ya?
- I'm good, thank you.
- What's your name?
Uh, umm, Fran Fine.
Fran Fine, Miss Rosie O'Donnell.
( Camera clicks )
You know, it's two for
one on Saturday at Pathmark.
I like glossy.
But if you like a matte finish,
- I'm sure...
- Listen, I'm not Sally Jesse.
I can't pretend I care, okay?
Okay.
All right,
how many kids you got, Fran?
Kids? No.
Know what I mean?
All the,
the whining and the diapers
and the schlepping, puh-lease.
Oh, yeah?
What do you do for a living?
I'm a nanny.
There you have it.
Oh, let's see what this is.
Emergency...
Hey, Fran, your trick worked.
Two minutes with C-Span,
- my son is out like a light.
- Aah!
Of course,
watching all the senators,
he now has a hooker
in the crib with him.
- That's funny.
- You're funny.
I like your laugh.
Listen, why don't you meet me
in the dressing room
after the show?
- We could talk.
- Oh, oh, my God.
This is incredible.
I, uh, I swear,
I have dreamed of this
exact moment.
Only my outfit was tighter,
my hair was bigger
and you were Streisand.
You can't have everything.
Fran Fine, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be back with Chaka Khan,
right after this.
( Applause )
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
I can't believe we're in
Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room.
I'm so nervous, I don't
know what to do with myself.
You know, I'm doin'
what any real fan would do.
I'm going through her stuff.
Oh, wow.
She really does shop at Kmart.
Hey, where's my favorite nanny?
Hey, how's the professor?
( laughing )
You're going through
my stuff, aren't ya?
Me? Oh, uh, no, no.
This is hers. Here honey.
She went through your stuff.
Oh, I'd like you to meet
my best friend, Val.
Oh, I loved you in "Misery".
When you broke
James Caan's legs,
I was screamin'.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I won an Oscar
for that performance.
- ( Mouthing ) I know.
- Uh, this is Gracie,
one of the three beautiful
children that I take care of.
Hi, Gracie.
You know, I care about
them more than myself.
Yeah, where are the other two?
Oh, I swapped the tickets
so me and Val could get in.
Oh.
Hey, Fran. I was talking
to the producer outside.
What do you think of doing
a weekly spot on the show?
You know, about child care?
Oh, my God!
Me? On "The Rosie O'Donnell
Show"?
In front of millions of people?
What's your male demographic?
Hmm, you know,
you're perfect for TV.
You're funny, you're beautiful,
and you
obviously adore children.
Oh, you know,
I am a nurturer by nature.
- Hmm. -Fran, I have to
go to the bathroom.
Nanny's busy, honey.
Cross your legs.
Uh, honey, let me be the
one to tell your father
about the job on
"Rosie O'Donnell."
He doesn't understand how
I can juggle a million things
and still stay on the ball.
Huh, oh, oh.
Oh. Phew.
Your brother and sister didn't
come with us tonight.
Fran, did you tell
Val not to tell anyone?
Oh, who's she gonna tell?
I'm her only friend.
Congratulations!
Val!
Oh, I'm sorry but you are
all going to have to leave.
This isn't my house.
He's not home.
Photo op!
( Camera shutters clicking )
Oh, I can't tell you how
this job on the "Rosie Show"
makes me so...
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
( Everyone singing )
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
It's, it's all right Miss Fine.
Niles told me all about it.
( Door shuts )
Why do you have to
be such a yenta?
I am not a yenta.
I'm just sucking up
so he'll tell me
what the thing on the plane
on the way back from Paris was.
Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset
that I'm gonna be
working two jobs?
Two jobs?
What's the other one?
Oh! Here! Yes.
Fran, you were born to
be in front of the camera.
- It's in your genes.
- Oh.
You know,
I was gonna be a model.
But, you know what stopped me?
What's in your genes?
- Uh, Mr. Sheffield?
- Hmm?
You know, you're certainly
being supportive.
Ah, well, Miss Fine,
that's what I meant when
I said we should be friends.
You mean,
when you took back the thing?
Narrator: The definition
of "The Thing"...
Miss Fine,
friends should be supportive.
They don't dwell on the past.
Oh, yeah, they do.
I mean, you know,
our people might have
enjoyed "Hogan's Heroes,"
but that doesn't mean
that we're gonna go out
and drive a Mercedes.
All right,
we may drive a Mercedes,
But it doesn't mean
we're gonna fly Lufthansa.
- Unless we have mileage.
- Yes, yes, yes.
All right, I get the point.
You are never gonna forgive
me for taking back the thing.
- Well,
- What are you two doing,
airing your dirty laundry
in public?
Let's go into the office
where we can be more private.
( Door slams shut )
Speak into the flower.
Please welcome,
America's favorite nanny,
Fran Fine.
( Applause )
All right,
your first letter right now.
"Dear Fran,
my son sits too close
to our TV set when he's
watching. What should I do?"
From Marian, Dayton, Ohio.
Oh, well, Mary, here's the
thing. Get a bigger TV.
This way, his head will be
comparatively smaller
and it won't block
your view, honey.
Man on speaker: Score!
( music playing )
This is from Jackie Hall
in New Jersey.
"Dear Fran,
I choose not to breastfeed.
But my husband thinks I should.
What should I do?"
Well, that depends, Jackie.
Do you have any children?
( laughing )
( audience cheering )
I can't do no more.
All right, one more.
Thank you!
Bye, everyone!
I love you!
( People cheering )
You know, Maxwell,
I think it's nice
Nanny Fine is doing
that little talk show thing.
It gives us so much
more time together.
Our relationship's just
grown by leaps and bounds.
Miss Fine, you're back.
Ooh, I do hope
you've come to kibbitz.
I do love it when we kibbitz.
Mr. Sheffield,
I just wanted to say that,
you know,
I know I haven't been here a lot
and I really feel
guilty about it.
And not just the usual
low level hum of guilt
that every Jew feels.
Oh, nonsense, Miss Fine.
Just, just promise
me one thing though.
When you become famous,
you won't forget us?
Hmm?
Of course, there are a
couple of little things
we can forget and move on, eh?
No, no, no.
We'll always have Paris.
Nanny Fine, do you mind? We were
in the middle of something.
This is a place of business.
( perfume sprays )
Oh, it's okay.
I have lot of messages
to return.
Look at this. Proctor and
Gamble, Gerber's, Pampers.
What exactly does a national
spokesperson do, anyway?
They get their best friend
C.C. to be their agent.
Oh, you know, I really am
too nice to negotiate big deals.
I guess I should
have a ruthless,
blood sucking leech on my side.
I'll take that as a yes!
What exactly does an agent get?
- You mean you don't know?
- No.
- 50%.
- C.C.!
Okay, 40%.
Miss Fine and Miss Babcock
walking arm in arm.
Isn't that one of the Biblical
signs of the Apocalypse?
Fran, I thought you were
going to read me my book.
Oh, ho ho.
Little girl.
If you can't read by now,
start suing your school system.
Nanny Fine, listen to this.
"The children of
St. Andrews' Orphanage"
would love to meet you.
"I'm sorry, we can't afford
your personal appearance fee."
Yeah, right.
I'm sorry too.
B, what are you
doin' home so late?
Well, I had detention.
I thought someone was gonna
come down to my school,
sit on my teacher's desk, cross
her legs and get me out of it.
- Oh.
- Quit whining.
Fran forgot to chaperone
me on my date.
You don't hear me complaining.
A hickey, Maggie?
Did you really think that
you were gonna hide
a hickie from me
with a little pressed powder?
You need oil-based concealer.
Oh, kids.
I've been neglecting you.
I'm so sorry.
It's just because I've
been so busy with Rosie,
I'm forgetting everything.
I don't even know how
I get dressed in the morning.
Oh! My God!
Oh, it's a thong, okay.
Now, children, I do hope
we're not pestering Miss Fine.
We've all got to try to be
a little more supportive.
With her new found celebrity,
Miss Fine is bound to be a
little less accessible to us.
Now run along, go on.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm just as accessible
as I always was.
( Doorbell rings )
I'm telling you,
I'm still the same
old schlub you met
when I came here.
Hi, Trumpy!
Donald Trump,
I'd like you to meet...
Oh, what am I talking about?
All you handsome
zillionaires know each other.
Donald!
Maxwell Sheffield,
how do you do?
You know, Donald
called me on "The Rosie Show"
and invited me to a party
at Elaine's for Demi,
who is on the cover of "George."
But I don't wanna name drop.
- I'll see you in the limo.
- All right.
( Cell phone rings )
Hello?
I told you not to call
me on this line again.
( Cell phone rings )
That's better.
Aah, you know, Mr. Sheffield?
A lot of men in your position
would be threatened by me
runnin' with movers and shakers
rubbin' elbows and
God knows what else.
Hmm.
But not you.
You're really happy for me.
Now I know you
meant when you said
you wanted us to be friends.
Of course.
I am very happy for you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Niles, fetch me a bottle
of champagne, would you?
To toast Miss Fine's success?
No, to shoot my eye
out with a cork!
Come on, Nanny Fine,
we don't want to be late.
You know, we're meeting
Uma and Uda to see
Emma with Oprah.
Then dinner with Kira,
Courtney and Keanu at,
oh, what's that place again?
Oh, I'm so bad with names.
( Sighs )
Niles, hypothetically,
if you cared very
deeply for someone,
but feared losing them,
what would you say
to get them to stay?
Oh, sir.
I'm not going anywhere.
Not you, you blithering idiot!
Miss Fine.
( Doorbell rings )
Well, aren't you
gonna answer the door?
Oh, is that what that bell is?
Ah, you know, I never knew that
because I'm such a
blithering idiot.
Oh, thank God you're all right.
Oh, why shouldn't I be?
- Give me a hug.
- What?
Oh! I was so worried.
Make yourself scarce.
Bubbe Sophie came
to her in a dream
and told her you were
gonna have a horrible accident.
You rushed over
here just because
someone appeared to
you in a dream?
Does everyone in your family
take this Bubbe Sophie
thing seriously?
They do if they know
what's good for them.
She told me,
you were gonna come
home from work,
and kiss a perky
brunette at the door,
and take a terrible fall
over the ottoman.
Ma, that's the opening
of "The "Dick Van Dyke Show."
I'm telling you.
It was in this very house.
Look.
Here's Richie.
And there's Millie.
Fran: Oh, good night, Niles.
Oh, I'm so full.
You know what,
for breakfast tomorrow,
just give me two
Belgian waffles.
( moaning )
Oh, no. No.
( Moaning continues )
Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield.
Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, ah, ah, where am I?
Oh, Miss Fine,
what are you doing here?
Well, I heard
moaning and screaming
coming from your room
and I figured I should
be a part of it.
I just had a horrible dream.
Calm down.
Tell me what you dreamt and
I'll tell you what it meant.
Well, uh, I was at a party,
some sort of a celebration for,
for you.
Do you know someone
named Bubbe Sophie?
My Bubbe Sophie
came to you in a dream?
Ugh, she was horrible.
Wretched.
They said she looked like me.
Oh, with a fantastic body.
Anyway, we were in a cemetery.
Everyone was having
a great time.
We were just about
to toast your success
when...
♪ Maxwell! ♪
♪ What's this I hear ♪
♪ About your
nanny on a talk show ♪
♪ On a talk show! ♪
♪ Who's the schmuck ♪
♪ Who let her do
this to your children? ♪
♪ To your children ♪
♪ With a blink ♪
♪ We understand ♪
♪ You've taken
back the thing ♪
♪ Yes, the thing ♪
♪ She should be so
happy just to have you ♪
♪ As a friend ♪
My Bubbe said that?
Sounds crazy, no?
♪ If your nanny stays
on Rosie's show ♪
♪ The kids will
grow up wrong ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Miss Babcock
will get Max ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Fran will stay
single all her life ♪
♪ Her life! ♪
♪ Phee phee phee ♪
♪ That's Fran's fate ♪
♪ If she stays
on Rosie's show ♪
I'm sorry Miss Fine,
did I scare you?
Uh, yeah, I'm terrified.
So, what do you think
this dream could mean?
Oh, well, it's obvious.
Something horrible's
gonna happen to me
unless I quit "The Rosie Show."
No way.
You think?
You're absolutely right.
Yeah, thank God I
don't buy into all that
Bubbe Sophie mishigas.
What?
Mishigas.
Means crap.
No, no, I mean,
I mean why don't you believe
in Bubbe Sophie
like your entire family?
Oh, you think I'm gonna make
a life altering decision based
on some woman I never even met
that comes to you in a dream?
What am I nuts?
Now, if Barbra had
come to you in a dream...
( shudders audibly )
Oh, don't do "Funny Girl," sir.
Barbra is so obvious.
Do fiddler instead.
Sir, I said the whole
dream idea was ridiculous.
Stop underestimating
Miss Fine's intelligence
and be honest with
her for a change.
Tell her how you feel.
Oh my God, that's the Thing!
You told her how you felt
and then you took it back.
Oh, no.
You'd never be that stupid.
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, there you are, Miss Fine.
Where have you been?
Hanging with the hip crowd?
No, visiting Yetta.
I was with the hip
replacement crowd.
But you know,
she told me not to be so quick
to blow off your dream
about Bubbe Sophie.
She said that it was a sign that
I wasn't meant to
be in the limelight.
And, you know, the kids need me.
- Hmm.
- You need me.
For the kids, calm down.
So I told Rosie that this week
was gonna be my last show.
- Oh!
- Oh, well, that's your decision.
And that's why I have an
office and you clean it.
- Got fired?
- Yeah.
Wait till you
see my replacements.
They got this
retired couple from Florida
doing cheapo restaurant
reviews. Ugh!
- Man: It's $10.95 for a full dinner.
- Rosie: Yeah?
- Includes salad,
- yeah?
- Soup, dessert,
- Yeah, yeah?
- Coffee, and then,
- Uh-huh? Yeah?
- If you go with four people,
- Yeah?
- You get one free!
- You get one dinner free!
Yeah!
Can you believe they bumped me
for these two characters?
Please!
My parents could do better.
Here's the sketch, boss.
I gotta get ready
for my dream date.
With who?
Well, I don't know.
I have to fall asleep first.
- Laura.
- Sal.
Hi.
I'm nearly done.
Oh, darling,
I hope you're not upset,
but I did something
I wasn't supposed to.
Oh, honey,
it couldn't have been that bad.
- I mean,
- What'd you do?
I pushed our beds together.
Come on, let's go home.
Oh, no.
You're not going anywhere.
Alan wants to know
what the thing is.
Oh! Ma!
( Jazz music playing )