The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Bird's Nest - full transcript

All right, now,
prepare yourself, honey.

This is Loehmann's Semi Annual

Red Star Clearance.

You are gonna see things today

that will haunt you for the
rest of your shopping life.

Excuse me, please.

Please, excuse me.

Shouldn't we help that woman

in the wheelchair through first?

Oh, honey, stand your ground.

Last year when they put out



the Donna Karan

she popped out of that chair
and screamed,

"It's a miracle!"

All right.
They're about to open the door.

Watch your nose.

Why?
What's going to happen to my...

( crashing )

( screaming )

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, look at this.

Oh, this is so my color.

Oh, wait, it seems to be...

Oh, It's like
hooked on something.

Help me.

Excuse me, please.
I had this sweater first.



( laughs )
I believe you're mistaken.

I've got the cuff.

I've got the armpit.

I've got your kid.

Huh! She's not mine!

Listen, I'm warning you.

My nicotine patch fell off.

My mother's in town
and my boyfriend

just left me for my brother.

Now, I'm over 30, single,

and I work for her.

Hold on to this
and don't let go, honey.

Hey, did you see
the movie "Babe," kid?

Yeah.

Well, they ate him
at the wrap party.

I can't hear you.

( Spanish bullfight music
playing)

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C.♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Now, I'm telling you, Mom,
the kid is a natural.

Honey, show her what you did
to get those women away

from the Calvin Klein rack.

Look, there is John John.

You don't learn
these things in books.

Meanwhile, Mom,

what did you have
for lunch over there?

You got enough butter on you

to have your own
"Last Tango in Paris."

I had a lobster.

Your uncle, Stanley,
caught them near Rockaway Beach.

Ma, they don't even like people
to swim in that water.

It could be toxic.

What are you talking about?

There's nothing wrong
with those lobsters.

They're excellent.

Plus, they got two tails.

All right, so when you grow that

second mouth
out of your shoulder

you can eat them
at the same time.

( Car honking )

Ma, you made daddy
sit in the car for two hours?

We got a car phone
at a time share walkthrough.

Now he can sit
and call Howard Stern.

Why he wants to get screamed at
and berated,

I will never understand.

( Car honking )

Lay off the horn, you yutz!

Miss Fine, have you seen
Brighton's science test?

He's got a 66.

Wow, Brighton, you passed!

By a hair.
That is no good.

I'm not kidding, young man.

We went through
all this last semester.

You keep this up and I'm gonna have
to send you to military school.

What?

Military school?

Are you serious?

Nothing but young men,

no women, for miles around?

I mean, for me, it'd be nice.

Dad, look, I've got
a big science project due.

I've been working on it
for weeks.

It's definitely going to bring
my grade up.

Oh, my God. Where did my
moldy strawberry go?

Oh, I'm dead.

Well, you better
think of something else

pretty soon, young man.

And try to be more inventive
than moldy fruit.

And I don't want you
helping him either.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Not after the review
on my strawberry cup.

Brighton needs to learn
to do things on his own.

I packed your briefcase, sir.

Thank you.

You make things
far too easy for the boy.

He'll never become a man.

Doesn't having that
boyish thing happening, sir.

Oh, there we are.

Are the kids yours

or does he do
everything for you?

I'm serious, Miss Fine.

And just because Brighton
has a trust fund,

don't think I'm going to
let him end up

jet-setting around the world,
skiing and yachting

and flitting from
party to party.

Oh, he's got
far too much pride for that.

I mean, for me, it'd be nice.

Maxwell, I am sorry I am late.

I had to pack a bag.
They're fumigating my apartment.

They've tried that before.
You always come back.

Anyway, it's very difficult
to find a hotel

that will accept dogs.

Did you promise you wouldn't
hump the bellboy's leg?

You know, Niles,
it's a pity we don't see

more of one another.

Maxwell,
I just had a crazy notion.

Why don't Chester and I
stay here?

Yes, of course, C.C.

Niles will take care
of everything.

Oh, good. Here you go.

Give him one of these pills
three times a day.

I'll put it in his food.

Wrong end.

Well, I just thank God

that I was making tea
while opening the mail

when this envelope
addressed to you

accidentally steamed open.

Applications
for military school?

I can't believe you're thinking
about sending my baby away.

Who is this man I'm living with?

I don't even know you anymore.

Miss Fine, I happen to think

discipline is a way
of showing love.

Well, I am seeing
a whole new side to you

that frankly I find intriguing.

Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield,
you got a cat on your terrace.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

He's probably hungry.

I feed him something
this time every day.

Mr. Sheffield, I thought
you said you hated cats.

No, I hate
Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats."

Here, Shoes.

Shoes?

Yeah, Roger Clinton's cat
from next door.

Socks' sister.

Shoes and Socks.

And these are the people
they think

are clever enough
to orchestrate Whitewater?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you better watch out.

Look at this.

You've got a little bird's nest

with three little bird's eggs.

I thought birds laid
their eggs in the spring.

She's a bit late, isn't she?

Hey, it's the '90s.

She don't have to lay eggs

the minute she moves out
of her parents' nest.

Maybe she spent
the last three years

sitting on somebody else's eggs

waiting for that certain
grey-streaked pigeon

to make his move.

What are you doing?

It's my science project.
Maggie gave me the idea.

See, I'm comparing
different types of lipsticks

to see which one's gonna stay
on the longest.

Oh, that's a good one.

Honey, that's not gonna
get you an "A" in science.

But it'll definitely get you
out of military school.

You're right, it stinks.
You know what?

Military school
might not be so bad.

Fran, when I'm gone,
I want you to have my room.

Honey, stop it.
I don't want it.

Sure, I could break
through that wall

and create a fabulous
dressing area

with a tremendous
walk-in closet,

but I don't need that.
I need you.

Are these hardwood floors
under here?

If I could just think of
a great science project.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I cannot help you
with that, mister.

You are gonna have
to think about that

all on your own.

Okay, here's my idea.

There are three
abandoned eggs in a nest

on the terrace.

I thought you can incubate them
with heat lamps

and then you can document
the hatching.

Fran, that's a great idea.
How did you think of it?

Well, who knows more
about eggs just sitting around

going to waste than me?

Hello!

Maxwell,

I thought we might have
a little nightcap.

I don't want to do it
at the house.

Meet me at the Regency hotel
in an hour.

Niles? What are you doing
hanging around outside my room?

I was anxious to hear

how your meeting
at the Regency went?

Did Pavarotti agree to sing
Pagliacci at your benefit?

After I buttered him up.

I said,
"I've dreamed of seeing you"

dressed like a clown.

"Oh, God, it would be thrilling."

Thank you.

Honey, honey,
what are you doing?

Oh, The Limited is having
a blowout sale.

Sweetie...

what are you thinking?

It's tomorrow.

Oh.

( Telephone ringing )

Hello.

Fran, listen, I need you
to do me a really big favor.

You've got to turn
the heat lamps

on the eggs for 15 minutes.

B, I'm not supposed to help you!

Come on, Fran,
you've always helped me.

You've been like a mother to me.

Forget it, B,
it's not going to work.

Of course, you're far
too young to be a mother.

All right, it worked.

This is the last time
I want to hear about

your stupid eggs, Mama.

Oh, is that your mother?
I need to speak with her.

- Oh, oh.
- Uh, Sylvia, hello, listen,

about those tickets
you wanted...

( imitating Sylvia )
I can't talk now. I'm nauseous.

Yeah,
I hope to see you soon, Ma.

Get it?

Or your father is going
to be sending us both

to military school.

Of course,
I could use a few good men.

Maxwell.

C.C.,
what's the matter with you?

You've barely spoken
two words to me all day.

What happened to our little
meeting at the Regency?

Oh,
I decided to handle it myself.

Maxwell, I would have
loved to have helped you.

Yes, I appreciate that, C.C.,

but it really went
much faster without you.

( Sad song playing )

Oh, I hate
"An Affair to Remember."

Why are you making me
watch this?

Tell him you can't walk.

Tell him he ruined your life.

Make him feel guilty.

She is obviously not Jewish.

Well,
now I'm too upset to study.

I'll have to go out
and get some burgers

with my friends.

Thanks a lot, Fran.

Mom.

Oh, there you are.

How can you spend
so long at a mall?

Oh, this from a woman
that once spent two hours

at Potatoes Potatoes Potatoes.

There were 80 toppings, dear.

Now, did you remember
to turn the heat lamps on?

Yes, I am responsible.

You know, you better get
your act together, mister.

What are you gonna do
when I'm married

and I have kids of my own
and I'm not living here anymore?

All right, bad example.

Come on, Fran,
what's the big deal?

All I asked you to do
was turn on a light.

It isn't a big deal

unless I forget to turn it off.

Oh, God, I'm going to boot camp.

Oh, B, it looks like it is okay.

Look, look, see,
which only goes to prove

that heat is...

Oh, oh, oh, invisible.
( egg cracks )

You think it broke?

All right. You know what?
Let's just be positive.

It could still be all right.

You never read Humpty Dumpty,
huh, kid?

Oh, I can't look.

B, we're in luck. We're in luck.

It didn't break.
( gasps )

Because it's hard-boiled.

Oh, my God. I'm very modest.

Do you think I can get
a private latrine?

Oh, hey, B,

I think that we can
salvage this egg.

How?

Uh... Got any salt?

This is C.C. Babcock.
Please leave a message

at the sound of the tone.

( beeping )

Maxwell: I've dreamed of seeing
you dressed like a clown.

Oh, God, it would be thrilling.

♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ What a way
to make a living ♪

( Humming )

Oh, Niles, you know, I was
thinking Mr. Sheffield is right.

If I help Brighton
with his project,

it's only gonna hurt him.

You've already gotten involved
and screwed up?

Yeah.

And now, there's really nothing
I can really do about it

except to tell
Mr. Sheffield the truth.

Here's the two things
I came up with.

( Niles humming )

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hi, Ma.

Fran, I brought you
one of Uncle Stanley's lobsters.

You gotta try.

Ma! I'm not eating that thing.

Never mind the two tails,

it's got eyebrows.

You are so critical.

That's why you're not married.

Meanwhile, Ma,
what's with this big rash

all over your chest?

Oh, look, it's up here now.

Yeah?

I think it's your
father's beard.

I also got one on my calf,
my knee, my thigh...

All right, all right, Ma.
Don't draw me a picture.

I think that you should
put on some calamine lotion

and go soak in a lukewarm tub.

All right.

You didn't mean here, did you?

No!

Miss Fine,
I am very proud of Brighton.

You know, he's so busy
with his science project,

he hasn't left his room all day.

- Oh?
- Now,

you haven't helped him,
have you?

Oh, believe me,
I've been no help to him at all.

Oh, good,

here's a little bonus
in your paycheck this week.

Ah, thanks.

You know, I haven't helped him
with anything either.

What is your secret?

I keep telling you, Niles,

big hair and short skirts.

That's what got Mel Gibson
the Oscar.

Hmm.

What happened to telling
Mr. Sheffield the truth?

Well, I decided to take
the road more traveled.

( laughs )

Now, all I'll have to do
is get Brighton an extension

on his science project.

But I have never met a teacher

that I couldn't wrap around
my little pinky.

Oh, his teacher is a woman.

Got any cash?

Oh, wow,

I'm getting such a deja vu here.

What is it?

Oh, here we go.

Detention, honey?

Yeah, I was putting on
makeup in class.

Ah, you know,
you really shouldn't do that.

You're here to learn.

I don't need school.

I'm gonna marry a doctor,
live in Great Neck.

Right after my mama
moves to Boca.

How do you feel about
being a domestic?

Learn to love it, baby.

Cute sweater!

Oh, thanks.

Where'd you get it?

Oh, I got it at... Oh, boy!

Mrs. Richardson?

You can go now, Francine.

Uh, about that little incident
at Loehmann's,

that was a big misunderstanding.

And I just wanted to apologize
for what my twin sister did.

All I wanted was a green sweater

to go with that damn skirt
I bought at a yard sale.

Well, now, let's just put
all that behind us.

Hi,
I'm Brighton Sheffield's nanny,

and I'm here to ask
for an extension

on his science project.

What's that in your hand?

It's a $50, but it's
in your hand now, honey.

So you really want this
for Brighton, huh?

Oh, desperately.

How does it feel to want
something so bad

you can taste it?

Feel it in your hand and have
someone yank it away.

It doesn't feel good.

Is that gum
you're chewing in my class?

No.

Put that on your nose.

Now,
we'll just sit here for a while

while you think about
your actions, miss.

How did she know I was a miss?

Oh, B, I got your teacher
to give you an extension.

Now all you have
to do is come up

with a new science project.

Great, 'cause I already got one.
Check this out.

Ew, B, that's disgusting!

Genug
with the moldy fruit already.

No, that's your mother's back.

Ma, don't you think you should

give up on the lobster already?

Maybe they are
a little suspicious.

I'll start
on the 10 pounds of shrimp

Uncle Stanley caught.

Well, do they look normal?

What "they"? It's one shrimp.

Psst, Miss Fine.

- What?
- Where's Brighton?

He's upstairs working
on his science project. Why?

Oh, God, this is terrible.

I forgot to feed
Roger Clinton's cat today

and now the eggs
are missing out of the nest.

I'm afraid the cat
must have eaten them.

Why didn't I think of that?

You did. You warned me.

You know, you're right.
I did warn you.

But you didn't listen, did you?

I've ruined everything.

How could I be such a screw-up?

Well, there's only one thing
for you to do, mister,

get your boots
and your sleeping bag.

What, you're sending me
to military school?

No, I just thought
maybe we could have some fun.

- Miss Fine...
- Oh, calm down,

I'm sure I can get an extension
from the teacher.

Now, we just have to come up
with a new idea for the kid.

There'll be a considerable bonus
in it for you.

And good luck with the teacher.

I hear she's pretty tough.

Oh, well,
don't you worry about her.

I'll take care of everything.

You already got
Brighton an extension?

Oh, yeah.

How'd you do that?

Oh, Niles,
I just reasoned with the woman.

You can't argue with logic.

Did you need me, sir?

Maxwell: Run out
to Kennedy Airport,

would you,
and pick up Pavarotti?

Oh, you'd better leave now.

There's two lanes
closed on the L-I-E.

It'll take you hours.

Yes, sir.

( Jazz music playing )