The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Cradle Robbers - full transcript

Oh, what
a beautiful day for a picnic.

I'll tell you, I'm so glad
we got out of that dining room

and back into nature.

Peppermint or Darjeeling?

Mint.

You know, Miss Fine,

it really was a wonderful idea
of yours to have a picnic.

But I never took you for the
natural outdoor-type.

Please.

Why do you think
I don't wear makeup?

You know, at Camp Kindervelt,



Val and I used to roast
marshmallows on my curling iron.

And if you steam a
frankfurter in your hot curlers,

you'd swear you were
at Nathan's.

Uh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying?

Mr. Sheffield,
that's the third time you said

"What are you saying?"

There's something wrong
with your left ear.

I think your hearing's
going bad.

Nonsense.

The herring's fine.

The egg salad is a
little suspicious.

You know,
my father had hearing problems,

and ma dragged him
to the doctor.

He had to have
a whole irrigation going on



They found enough wax in there
for Madame Tussauds

to make herself a nice
little Linda Hunt.

Miss Fine,
he'll never see a doctor.

He's far too vain to admit
his hearing is going.

You know, it's so sad when
a man can't age gracefully.

Mmm.

Really. Would you look
at that spectacle?

That 30-year-old man kissing
that young girl.

What, she can hardly be more
than Margaret's age.

But where are her parents,

- that's what I want to know.
- Hi, Maggie!

- I'll kill him!
- Oh, calm down.

Calm down.

This is just a phase.
It'll pass.

I once dated an older guy
when I was in high school,

and it led to nothing
but heartbreak.

Especially when he
failed me in math.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C.♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

All right, young lady,

you've got some
explaining to do.

- Now, start talking.
- Daddy, I just...

I don't want to hear it.
Now go upstairs to your room.

Oh, come on, like she couldn't
climb out the window,

shimmy down the trailers

and pay Niles extra
so that she and...

But... uh...

This is between you
and your daughter.

That boy's much too old for you,
Margaret.

Dad, he's only 25.

It's the best relationship
I've ever had.

When did the two of you meet?

- This morning.
- Oh!

At a bookstore.

Wow, a bookstore.

Gee, that's a great place
to meet intelligent guys.

Whoopsie,
they'd have to light it

bright enough so you could read.

Nah, no good.

Oh, come on, Dad,
you don't even know John.

He's self-reliant, ambitious.

Plus,
he's already a Vice President.

Where?

His dad's firm.

Oh, perfect.

Some spoiled little rich brat
living off his father.

What did I do?
Ah!

Dad, I'm not a little kid
anymore.

Why don't you trust me
to go out with him?

Because I was a
25-year-old boy once.

And I had nothing on my mind

but sex, women,
and how to combine them.

My luck. I don't get to meet
him until he's going deaf

and he can't digest corn.

Well, you better get used to it,
young lady.

You are never seeing
that boy again.

You are so unfair.

All right, that's it.
That is it.

I'm locking her in her room
until she's your age.

Mr. Sheffield, you can't lock
her away for five years.

Come on, why don't we
at least meet the guy.

Then Maggie won't hate us.

All right, all right.
I'll keep an open mind.

I don't suppose there could be
any harm in meeting

the twisted little cradle
robbing sex maniac.

Sex maniac.

Maybe I should meet
this guy by myself.

This is insane.

I forbid Margaret to go out
with some 25-year-old!

Well, fine,
if you forbid her to see him,

she's just going
to sneak out anyway.

I was 17 once, too.

I snuck out all the time.

Of course,
I didn't have a boyfriend.

I just wanted to eat bacon.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I don't know why
dad is making such a big deal

about me dating an older guy.

Because he's concerned
about your welfare.

I mean,
look at Anna Nicole Smith.

She marries a guy 60 years
older than her.

He dies, all she's left
with is his fortune.

So?

So?

Sometimes they live.

Oh, my God, he's here.

Hi, Maggie.

( Giggles )
Isn't he smart?

And who is your
beautiful friend?

Very smart.

Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

Hi, this is my friend Mike,
we work together.

- Hi.
- Hi. I hope you don't mind.

I just came along
for a cappuccino

and the hot new Grisham.

Oh, well,
I don't know about a Grisham,

but the almond
horn is delicious.

( Fran giggles )

So, what do you think?

Honey, what can I say?

There's too big of
an age difference.

It's never going to work out.

( All laugh )

That's incredible.

I can't believe how much you
and I have in common, Fran.

I know.

We're both Libras.

We both love jazz.

And we both think that on
the "Mary Tyler Moore Show,"

Phyllis' off-screen husband,
Lars, might have been gay.

Ah. Yeah.

I love these shows.
I grew up on them.

- Me, too. -Wow, thank God
for Nick at Nite, huh?

Uh, yeah.

( Giggles )

So, Fran,
where'd you go to school?

Hillcrest High.

Really? When did you graduate?

My senior year.

So, Mike McMullen,

what are the chances
of you being Jewish?

You know, actually,
my mother's Jewish, Fran,

- so technically that makes...
- Say no more.

Now, to satisfy my Mother's
second question.

What does your father do?

Uh, he's a buyer for Loehmann's.

Oh, I just could not get
out of bed this morning.

Oh, someone leave a big
rock on your coffin again?

Very funny,
janitor shaped like a drum.

I can't sleep...
And, it can't be the coffee

because all I drink
here is decaf.

Right?

Of course.

Why don't I bring a nice
cold soda in to pick you up.

All right, but make sure
it's caffeine free.

Of course.

Sir, I made an appointment with
the doctor for your hearing test.

What?

I said I made an appointment...

I heard what you bloody said.

Who told you to call the doctor?

Miss Fine.

Well, excuse me,

but when did she become
master of the house?

Three years ago, September.

Would you like me to cancel?

Yes.

Would you like me to kick back

and take the
rest of the day off?

I said, "Yes."

All right.

So, Fran,
you and John's friend, Mike

really seemed to hit it off.

Yeah, you know,

it's so refreshing to meet a guy

that thinks "Pulp Fiction" is
John Travolta's first film.

You know, this is so cool.

I mean,
you're going out with Mike,

I'm going out with John.

Well, you're half right.

- Fran.
- Honey,

he's way too old for you.

You're 17, he's 25.

That is a huge gap.

So, you're going out with Mike,

and he's 25 and you're 33.

I am not.

Yes, you are. We had your 30th
birthday here three years ago.

Well, I lied.

I said I was older
to get the job.

Well, what about your parents?

You said that your father was
10 years older than your mother.

No, I didn't.

I said my mother took
10 years off his life.

You are such a hypocrite.

Why is it okay for
Mike to date you,

but it's not okay
for me to date John?

Because Mike is not my daughter.

Well, neither am I.

Well, go ahead and cancel
the date with Mike,

'cause now I'm dead.

Meanwhile, Ma,
it's been two whole days

and Maggie's still
not talking to me.

No, I didn't try and bribe her

with a salty pretzel
and an egg cream.

And thank you very much.

You know how many
years it took me

to stop solving my
emotional problems with food?

Don't yell at me
with your mouth full.

Good bye, good bye.

- Fran.
- What?

Forget about Maggie. I'm here
and I think you're great.

In fact I think you're
the best...

Brighton, you're not
going to the makeout party.

Yeah, well, you're on your own.

- Fran.
- What, sweetie?

Maybe I can give
you some advice.

Oh?

Remember I had a crush
on an older man once.

( Sighs ) He used to
bring me all those gifts.

Sweetie, that was Santa.

Oh, Miles.
( cries )

How am I ever going
to convince Maggie

that she has nothing in common
with a 25-year-old?

And you do?

Absolutely.

I was 25.

And for several years.

( laughs )

I haven't slept for three days.

Miles,
are you sure this is herbal tea?

Of course.

No sleep, and yet I feel

oddly calm and relaxed.

- Ms.Babcock.
- What?

I just wanted to say
that I'm glad you're here

because I really
need a woman to talk to.

Well, aren't you
going to say anything?

Why?

You mean, because she said that

you thought I was going
to say something

about you not being a woman?

That is beneath me, sir.

What's on your mind, Nanny Fine?

Well, Maggie thinks
I'm being hypocritical

because I'm dating a 25-year old

and she's not allowed to.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who's Maggie?

Oh! The big one.

- Yeah.
- Oh, forget her.

So, you're dating a younger guy.

( Both laugh )

Delicious.

( Fran giggles )

You know,
I think it's far more natural,

women don't even reach their
sexual peak until their 30s.

Yeah, well for me,
it's happening much earlier.

Oh, girlfriend,

you got it going on.

I'm sorry,
I was watching something on Fox

before I came over.

When you were Maggie's age,

did you ever date an older guy?

Oh, sure, my father didn't care.

But, the world was a different
place when I was a girl.

Yes, they thought it was flat.

You know what, if I was smart,

I would just let her
go out with the guy.

Nanny Fine,

Maxwell will kill you!

Good idea.

Very unconventional. I like it.

No, don't you see?

They will have nothing to
talk about with each other.

She'll get bored and break it up
with him all on her own.

Of course, I'll have to chaperon

with the young,
eager to learn Mike.

But, it's not as if we don't
have a lot of stuff in common.

We both dig
Tootie & the Blowfish.

Tea, sir?

Tea, sir?

How's the hearing you lucky
little brat born into money?

On my right side I hear fine.

Just funning you, sir.

Eh, Mr. Sheffield,

about this Maggie,
John situation.

I think I've got
the perfect solution.

All I want to
hear is that Margaret

is never seeing that boy again,
Miss Fine.

Fine, that's exactly
what you're going to hear.

"They call him Flipper, Flipper,
faster than lightning,

no-one you'll see,
is smarter than he."

Well, go on.

"And you know Flipper
lives in a world full of wonder,

flying there-under,
under the sea!"

And then she'll dump him.

What do you think?

Fabulous.
( giggles )

Fabulous. Keep up the good work.

Thanks.

( Knock on door )

Call for you on line 1, sir.
Christopher Plummer.

Oh, finally.

Now, get round here and
fix my blasted toilet.

( Doorbell rings )

I'll get it.

- Hi.
- Hi, aren't you cute.

All right, back off. Isn't it
enough I'm letting you date her?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Young lady.

- What?
- What?

Hello, Mr. Sheffield.

Congratulations,
I read you're doing a new show.

Why did
Christopher Plummer drop out?

Miss Fine, you, me alone.
Right now!

Oh, typical male.

Doesn't know
what he's got till it's gone.

What is that man
still doing with Margaret?

And why were you kissing
his friend?

Well, look at him.

You know, you didn't hear a word

that I said
to you yesterday, did you?

Well, that's the problem
with our whole relationship.

That, and the fact that you
said that you loved me in Paris,

and then you took it back.

You just took it back.

I...I thought we agreed
to put all that behind us.

Well, I thought we'd be picking
out china patterns.

You know, if you had only...
Oh, come here.

If you had only gotten
your hearing checked,

none of this
would have happened.

Why are you so vain
about getting older?

- Oh! I'm vain about getting older?
- Yes.

I'm not the one trying
to recapture my youth,

Mrs. Robinson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now, would you please relax.
Maggie is a very smart girl.

I guarantee you,
one more day and she'll realize

she has nothing
in common with him.

Hmm. What about you and
your young friend?

I'm a slow learner.

So get this, I finally call
the accountant up and I say,

"You call this a tax refund?

200 bucks."

( Fran giggles )
A lot more than I got back.

I got back $2,500.

After I declared
all my dependents.

Fran, you're a single woman.
What dependents?

Hey, I support a lot of people.

Donna, Karen, Ralph,

Lauren, Lance and Kleinman.

( Fran giggles )

I've never paid taxes.

( Mike and John laugh )
How do you do that?

Oh!
( Mike clears his throat )

Hey, guys, what do you have?

Vodka martini, straight up.

Two please.

Um, I'll have a margarita,
no salt.

Uh, Joan Collins, please.

Honey, that's Tom Collins.
And, no.

You'll have a better
chance getting Joan.

But who doesn't?

I'm gonna have
to proof you guys.

Ma'am, you're fine.

Are you sure?

( Clears throat )
Excuse, me ma'am.

- What?
- Please, I need to see your ID.

Oh boy, this is such a hassle.

Hey, you guys,
I got a great idea.

John, what do you say afterwards

we head down to the Blue Note.

We go listen to a little Jazz.

- Fran: Okay.
- John: Yeah.

Ugh. Jazz.
Who likes Jazz?

All: I do.

Wait a minute, we should
something that we all like.

What do you want to do?

Well,
I could see "Clueless" again.

I'll tell you what,

why don't we go grab something
to eat. What do you think?

Eating is good.

I could always eat again.

Fran,
can I talk to you for a moment?

- Excuse us.
- Sure.

I want to go.

I just think that
I should be alone with John.

Well, I think that I should
be alone with Armand Assante

but that ain't happening either.

I want to break up with him.

We have nothing in common.

Really?

Gee, you sure you gave
it enough time?

Fran, he didn't even know

that the "Saved By The Bell"
kids went to college.

You knew this was going
to happen, didn't you?

Yeah,

but you had to
find it out for yourself.

Honey, you're a teenager.
He's an adult.

It's perfectly normal

for you guys to have
nothing in common.

Well, I have everything
in common with you.

Well, I'm stunted.
I have no life.

I'm sorry I said I
wasn't your daughter.

You are like
a real mother to me.

Well, sweetie, why don't you
and John take the limo home.

Me and Mike could cab it later.

You're not bored with Mike?

So not!

See,
when your sideburns are longer

it makes it makes your
face look thinner.

Hmm.

Plus it wouldn't hurt
to lay off the brie.

Oh, next customer.

Oh. Oh, well, all right.

Yes, I could use a trim.

Thank you.

You know, Miss Fine,
I just caught Margaret

making out with that
boy from her class.

Oh?

God, I am so happy!

I don't know what you did,
but it certainly worked.

Well, I was just like
Maggie when I was 17,

except I wasn't tall,
rich and thin.

And I never put Miracle
Whip on a bagel.

Hmm.

You know,
you're right about me, too.

I was putting off having
my hearing checked

because I was afraid
of getting older.

Oh, well, I was dating Mike

because he made me feel younger.

And, you know what I learned
from that whole experience?

Worked like a charm.

What did the doctor say?

Oh, well, it seems I'm suffering

from some short-term
hearing loss.

- Hmm?
- Yeah. Could be a virus

or prolonged exposure

to an unusual frequency
or pitch.

That's funny. I live here and
I've never had that problem.

Brighton!

It must be a virus.

Oh, my God,

I completely
forgot you're waiting C.C.

I am so sorry.

I've just been
to the ear doctor...

Oh, I feel terrible.

Oh, look how lovely you look.

I'll tell you what,
why don't we go

to your favorite restaurant?
Hmm?

Just the two of us?

( Snores )

( jazz music playing )