The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Dope Diamond - full transcript
Going out with the man who asks Fran to marry him, he steals the engagement ring that they were looking at.
Concede Brighton. I've
got you in two moves.
You're done.
Finished. Toast.
Sir, when it's time to choose who
pulls the plug on the life support,
go with the girls.
Ma! Jules' gonna be here in two minutes.
Would you stop fussing with my skirt.
Can you believe her? Stop it!
Oh, Miss Fine, she's a mother.
She's just pulling it down.
She's my mother. She's hiking it up.
Oh, I get it.
Preparing the virgin for
the big sacrifice, huh?
- Yeah, if it was 1980.
- Ma.
Meanwhile, show some, uh, decolletessen.
Stop it, ma.
I'm not some over-the-hill
hussy, desperate, uh...
Oh, how's this?
Now, aren't you glad I forced
you to go to the Hadassah hoedown?
Yeah.
Yeah. I am.
She thought that you could
meet the man of her dreams
hanging around gay bars.
Ma, I said Zabaar's.
I'm getting you a miracle ear.
Hurry up, Miss Fine.
You're not getting any younger.
I'm not the one that
looks like Lily Munster.
Meanwhile, I just met the man a week ago.
It takes a while to form a relationship.
I don't even know if we're compatible.
You know, he's a doctor.
Ah, that explains why he's
trying to remove her tonsils.
Oh, can you believe this.
Ever since The Beatles, I've wanted to
meet a sexy guy with an English accent.
Guess that rule out the Hadassah hoedown.
Meanwhile, you should've come. There
was a lot of nice girls there for you.
Big hair, lots of makeup, tight
clothes... not my style. But...
he goes for that type.
Jules, before I forget,
come for dinner Sunday.
I'll take the plastic off the couch.
♪ she was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪
♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ what was she to do,
where was she to go? ♪
♪ she was out on her fanny ♪
♪ so over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ she was there to sell make
up but the father saw more ♪
♪ she had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ that's how she became the nanny ♪
♪ who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ now, the father finds her
beguiling, watch out C.C. ♪
♪ and the kids are actually
smiling, such joie de vivre ♪
♪ she's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ the flashy girl from
Flushing, the nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, Maxwell.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
I have got to get out of here.
C.C., do you believe
in love at first sight?
Yes! Why?
Miss Fine.
No! Why?
She met a gentleman.
I mean, yes. Yes. Yes.
I'll stick with yes.
They spend every waking moment together.
- It's just not...
- Fair, sir?
What I was going to say
before my... back off...
butler interrupted was...
she's only just met the man.
It's all happening so fast.
That's why the lady is a tramp.
- Coffee?
- Yes. Please.
Aah ow!
Knock, knock.
Mr. Sheffield, you wanted to see me?
Ah, yes, Miss Fine,
Grace's school telephoned.
Apparently, she's coming home
with a head full of chocolate cake.
Don't worry. That'll come right out.
I'll just take it to my mother's
weight watchers' meeting.
Miss Fine, aren't you disturbed
that there's a boy in Grace's class
who's pummeling her with food every day?
No. Boys throw food to
relieve sexual tension,
unlike girls, who just stuff their faces.
Please, that is such a fallacy.
Well, if you don't need me anymore,
Jules is taking me to a matinee.
Do you want me to bring
you home some bonbons?
Thought so.
Ah, the theater.
Well, that's something you don't
get a lot of that around here.
What are you gonna see?
Oh, I forget the title.
It's got cleaning fluids in it though.
Formula 409, comet, lysol?
- The Fantasticks.
- Yeah. That's it.
You want to meet him, Miss Babcock?
Oh, Nanny Fine, I'd love to meet the man
who's taking you away from Max... huh...
Millian... Schell...
Oil.
Oh, nice save.
Well, I'll go get him.
He's right outside, he's
playing chess with Brighton,
it's so cute the way he lets him win.
He's gonna make a great father someday.
Wait a minute.
If Nanny Fine's boyfriend is here,
who's in the chicken
suit at the Padres game?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha. Oh, ho ho.
He's gorgeous.
Oh, cheer up. Perhaps he
brought a friend for you.
No.
C.C? M.D.
- M & M?
- Mm-hmm.
So, Jules...
had I known you were going to the
theater, I would've gotten you house seats.
- I know the star.
- I know the producer.
- I know the director.
- I know the theater owner.
I talked to God.
Jules, put that back in your pants.
I can't stand to see two grown men
fight about who's got
the biggest connection.
Please, Sylvia, why...
why don't you join us?
Oh no, I just came over to
see how Fran's date went.
Make like I'm not even here.
Are you sure we can't offer you something?
Oh, no, thank you.
I had a Yoplait this morning around 10:30.
Oh, such a big potato
for such a little girl.
Look at the time.
They must be having a ball.
I'm going to go in the kitchen.
I need a meat to wash this down with.
I don't know about you
guys, but I like Jules.
And he has yet to beat me in chess.
Oh God, Brighton. He throws every game.
Do you see how easy it is to bond?
Well, I wouldn't get too attached
to the bloke if I were you.
We all know Miss Fine relationships
eventually end in disaster.
He asked me to marry him.
Right on the money as always, sir.
That is so cool, Fran.
Congratulations.
I know. I can't believe it.
I'm so excited I couldn't
eat a... ooh, kielbasa.
Sweet and sour cabbage.
Hit me again.
Ooh, such a big corn
for such a little girl.
He asked you to marry him?
Uh-huh.
You've known the man for two weeks.
What, you think it's so hard to believe
a man would fall in love with me that fast?
Yeah, Todd and I knew
each other three minutes
before I got a pudding pack in the eye.
Look, you know nothing about this man.
All right, so he's a doctor.
Is he a specialist?
You ain't just whistling Dixie, baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is so exciting.
So can I be a bridesmaid?
I know the doctor asked me to marry him,
but I didn't say yes.
This is delicious.
Why don't you grab a knife and
stick it straight through my heart?
Ha ha! That was great.
She sounded just like... ma!
Ma, let go of my ankle!
You'd better run.
Brighton, is she taking off her shoe?
No, but she's gonna hurl a corn.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ma, put down the vegetable
and no one gets hurt.
All right.
Help me to understand.
Which was the biggest turnoff...
the fact that Jules was gorgeous,
rich, or a doctor?!
Did I mention he was Jewish?
Darling, I only say
this because I love you.
You're a glorified cleaning girl.
This could be your last chance.
Oh, ma. I didn't say no.
I just said I'd think about it.
Ok. I did.
You mean, I do.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ma, you may kiss the bride.
You know Miss Fine, I think you're
very wise not to rush into this.
You're far too sensible a woman
to marry a man you just... ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuchus?
Sweetheart, I want you to have
the most beautiful engagement
ring that money can buy.
Oh, Julesie.
I don't know if I could
go through with this.
- Getting married?
- No.
Buying retail.
Let's go.
Now, you know, Jules, I'm a
simple girl with simple tastes.
I just want a simple ring.
That's a nice little stone.
Madam, that's a crystal ashtray.
I was talking about the shape,
like the shape of that
crystal pineapple over there.
No. That's a ring.
Whip it out, honey.
Ooh.
You know I think that's a little too small.
We don't wanna see
anything less than 5 karats.
5 karats?
What's up, doc?
This one is 5.2.
Uh, we could take off 10%.
That would make the price $50,000.
Ooh, a haggler.
Now we're talking my language.
Offer her 10.
- Hmm?
- Hmm?
I'm not too crazy about it.
It's a little cloudy.
But, sir, the stone is exquisite.
Uh, I agree with you, honey.
I think I preferred the one
we saw at van Cleef and hormel.
I'm sorry. This just doesn't sparkle.
It sparkles plenty.
Take it outside in the sun.
It'll blind you... your...
sir.
I'll be right back.
I shall leave you my little jewel.
So, when's the big event?
Whaouh...
If he buys this ring, I'll tell you,
he could get lucky in just a few...
Oh, you meant the wedding date.
Oh, actually, we haven't
talked about setting a date yet.
Wh... where's your fiancé?
- Oh, I'll get him.
- Ma'am, stay where you are, please.
- Why? He's probably right outside.
- Guard!
What's the matter?
He probably went to put money in the meter.
Oh, no. We don't have a car!
He's gone.
I'll call the police. You hold her.
Oh Jules, how could you do this to me?
He's a doctor. He didn't need the money.
Hillary's health plan didn't go through!
Oh, I can't believe this is happening.
He got along so well with my parents.
He wanted them to move in with us.
Well, that should've
tipped me off right there.
We've been looking for Jules
Kimble for over three years.
Dr. Kimble is a fugitive?
What are the odds?
He is not a doctor, Miss Fine.
Really?
So when he lanced my mother's
boil, it was just for fun?
Miss Fine, I don't want
to say I told you so,
but I never trusted the man.
You know, I can spot a
con artist a mile off.
This from a man who paid me time and
a half to work on Hebrew national day.
Why me?
He usually preys on women over 30.
You know, single, desperate, lonely.
Like I said, why me?
Oh, Miss Fine. Cheer up.
This isn't the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
Well, that's true.
The stupidest thing I ever
did was windexing your monet.
Or should I say your mon?
Miss Fine, this came for you.
Oh, an engagement present.
How humiliating.
Just put it upstairs with the rest of them.
Where is she? Where's my baby?
I rushed over as soon
as they finished my hair.
Mommy!
I just hope the police
find that creep before I do.
My Francine is not desperate.
She can have any man she wants.
Awww.
But not forever, so don't let yourself go.
Ma! This is all her fault.
Ever since I was a little girl,
she's always pushing me to get married.
I never pushed.
When I was a little girl,
every affair we'd go to,
she'd throw the centerpiece at me
and say "here, think fast".
Miss Fine, I'm sure your
mother only meant well.
- Well...
- Yeah, they always do.
Like when they stop you from
pursuing a singing career
to follow in your father's footsteps
as a subservient slave.
And loving every minute of it, sir.
Now, Sylvia, if truth be told,
I think you were a little more gung-ho
about this marriage than Miss... ow!
Damn! I broke my nail!
I'll leave you two alone.
I can't believe I lost my
figure for the likes of you.
You lost your figure for
the likes of Winchell's, ma.
I have low blood sugar.
The doctor prescribed donuts.
And who prescribed the ice cream floats?
Dr. Pepper?
Fran, I can hear you all the way upstairs.
Oh, her voice travels.
Honey, I'm sorry. Go up to your room.
Ok, but you have some major
issues with your mother
stemming from your failure to live up
to her expectations.
Come back here. Come back here.
Can you believe how advanced she is?
When I was her age, I was
hanging bagels from my ears
playing princess Leia.
I think you need some therapy.
No. She'll never change.
I meant together.
Now, let's see.
Who would be good for you?
My doctor's too cerebral.
Dr. Lehrman?
Nah, his couch is too itchy.
Oh forget it, sweetheart.
I'm not the type of person
that can lie on a couch
and cry and scream
about how miserable I am.
Please.
Put a lean cuisine on your lap
and 400 almond joy
wrappers under the cushions
and you'd be home.
So ladies, what brings you to therapy?
Well, I came because my
mother has an obsession
with me getting married.
I came
because my daughter
has a delusion that I have an obsession.
I came because they brought me
and I don't know how to get home from here.
Meanwhile, for 100 bucks a session,
she could've put out some
coffee and some nilla wafers.
Ma, brush yourself off.
You look like a veal cutlet.
Look, at a certain point,
I believe a daughter
has to stop blaming her
mother for everything.
This is your fault.
Me? Yeah.
You're the one who kept
pushing me to have children.
They're nothing but heartache.
That's right, cookie.
It's payback time.
You seem to be harboring
a lot of hostility.
Who?
Don't nag the kid all the time.
She should get married when she wants to.
Not just 'cause she got knocked up
by the seltzer man like I...
like I heard people do.
Ma!
Is that why I love egg cream?
Oh, ma. Buy your own hour.
This one is for me, right?
Huh?
Sorry. I drifted off.
Oh, that's not your fault.
Most people say our
voices are very soothing.
- Yeah I get that a lot.
- That's true.
All the time.
Frannie, all I ever wanted
was for you to be happy.
I just want you to have a full life.
You don't have to be married
to have a full life, ma.
Sure, I'd like to someday,
but if I don't,
it doesn't mean my life was worthless,
right?
Right?
Right?
Right.
I know you think I'm not all there.
But in my day,
we didn't air our dirty laundry in public.
Welcome to the eighties.
Hi, kids.
Fran, whatever you do, do not
let Gracie touch this board.
It's your move, dad!
Oh, you beat your father.
All right, B.
Ooh ooh ooh.
Look what you did, Gracie!
Fran, I have to break up with Todd.
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Oh, sweetie. It's your first crush.
Why don't you just enjoy it?
No, Fran. I'm really
afraid of getting hurt.
Those juice boxes are hard.
All right. So you picked the wrong guy.
No biggie.
Just move on with your life.
Ok?
Hope he ends up in attica with a
cellmate that finds him attractive.
Ah, you're back, Miss Fine.
Good. How did it go?
Well, my mother's thrilled.
She finally figured out why she has
an unnatural attachment to egg creams.
The Chinese food we're blaming on the man
that used to press grandma Yetta's blouses.
Concede, dad.
I've got you in two moves.
You're done. Finished.
Toast. Ha!
Checkmate.
What?
What happened to this board?
Oh, never leave two queens alone together.
They'll redecorate.
Oh, I should've never
blamed my mother, anyway.
I should've known that
guy was out of my league.
Oh no, Miss Fine. He wasn't.
He duped you.
Yeah but I was right for the duping.
Once a girl's exposed to a guy like you,
so debonair and classy,
there's just no going back.
Well, I've been known to turn a few heads.
Oh, please.
Miss Babcock needs an exorcist.
- You want to hear something funny?
- Mm-hmm.
The therapist said that
I was subconsciously
avoiding a relationship.
Oh, please. With whom?
I know. I know.
I mean, believe me, if
there was a guy out there,
single, successful, attractive,
I'd smell him a mile away.
What's that... Aramis?
Yes.
You know...
Grace's therapist said
exactly the same thing to me.
Well, yeah. You.
No. Trust me, Miss Fine.
If I found a woman who loved my children,
could make me laugh and I found attractive,
I'd never let her get away.
Hear, hear.
Ooh ooh. Hang on a second.
We're stuck on each other.
got you in two moves.
You're done.
Finished. Toast.
Sir, when it's time to choose who
pulls the plug on the life support,
go with the girls.
Ma! Jules' gonna be here in two minutes.
Would you stop fussing with my skirt.
Can you believe her? Stop it!
Oh, Miss Fine, she's a mother.
She's just pulling it down.
She's my mother. She's hiking it up.
Oh, I get it.
Preparing the virgin for
the big sacrifice, huh?
- Yeah, if it was 1980.
- Ma.
Meanwhile, show some, uh, decolletessen.
Stop it, ma.
I'm not some over-the-hill
hussy, desperate, uh...
Oh, how's this?
Now, aren't you glad I forced
you to go to the Hadassah hoedown?
Yeah.
Yeah. I am.
She thought that you could
meet the man of her dreams
hanging around gay bars.
Ma, I said Zabaar's.
I'm getting you a miracle ear.
Hurry up, Miss Fine.
You're not getting any younger.
I'm not the one that
looks like Lily Munster.
Meanwhile, I just met the man a week ago.
It takes a while to form a relationship.
I don't even know if we're compatible.
You know, he's a doctor.
Ah, that explains why he's
trying to remove her tonsils.
Oh, can you believe this.
Ever since The Beatles, I've wanted to
meet a sexy guy with an English accent.
Guess that rule out the Hadassah hoedown.
Meanwhile, you should've come. There
was a lot of nice girls there for you.
Big hair, lots of makeup, tight
clothes... not my style. But...
he goes for that type.
Jules, before I forget,
come for dinner Sunday.
I'll take the plastic off the couch.
♪ she was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪
♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ what was she to do,
where was she to go? ♪
♪ she was out on her fanny ♪
♪ so over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ she was there to sell make
up but the father saw more ♪
♪ she had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
♪ that's how she became the nanny ♪
♪ who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ now, the father finds her
beguiling, watch out C.C. ♪
♪ and the kids are actually
smiling, such joie de vivre ♪
♪ she's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ the flashy girl from
Flushing, the nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, Maxwell.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
I have got to get out of here.
C.C., do you believe
in love at first sight?
Yes! Why?
Miss Fine.
No! Why?
She met a gentleman.
I mean, yes. Yes. Yes.
I'll stick with yes.
They spend every waking moment together.
- It's just not...
- Fair, sir?
What I was going to say
before my... back off...
butler interrupted was...
she's only just met the man.
It's all happening so fast.
That's why the lady is a tramp.
- Coffee?
- Yes. Please.
Aah ow!
Knock, knock.
Mr. Sheffield, you wanted to see me?
Ah, yes, Miss Fine,
Grace's school telephoned.
Apparently, she's coming home
with a head full of chocolate cake.
Don't worry. That'll come right out.
I'll just take it to my mother's
weight watchers' meeting.
Miss Fine, aren't you disturbed
that there's a boy in Grace's class
who's pummeling her with food every day?
No. Boys throw food to
relieve sexual tension,
unlike girls, who just stuff their faces.
Please, that is such a fallacy.
Well, if you don't need me anymore,
Jules is taking me to a matinee.
Do you want me to bring
you home some bonbons?
Thought so.
Ah, the theater.
Well, that's something you don't
get a lot of that around here.
What are you gonna see?
Oh, I forget the title.
It's got cleaning fluids in it though.
Formula 409, comet, lysol?
- The Fantasticks.
- Yeah. That's it.
You want to meet him, Miss Babcock?
Oh, Nanny Fine, I'd love to meet the man
who's taking you away from Max... huh...
Millian... Schell...
Oil.
Oh, nice save.
Well, I'll go get him.
He's right outside, he's
playing chess with Brighton,
it's so cute the way he lets him win.
He's gonna make a great father someday.
Wait a minute.
If Nanny Fine's boyfriend is here,
who's in the chicken
suit at the Padres game?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha. Oh, ho ho.
He's gorgeous.
Oh, cheer up. Perhaps he
brought a friend for you.
No.
C.C? M.D.
- M & M?
- Mm-hmm.
So, Jules...
had I known you were going to the
theater, I would've gotten you house seats.
- I know the star.
- I know the producer.
- I know the director.
- I know the theater owner.
I talked to God.
Jules, put that back in your pants.
I can't stand to see two grown men
fight about who's got
the biggest connection.
Please, Sylvia, why...
why don't you join us?
Oh no, I just came over to
see how Fran's date went.
Make like I'm not even here.
Are you sure we can't offer you something?
Oh, no, thank you.
I had a Yoplait this morning around 10:30.
Oh, such a big potato
for such a little girl.
Look at the time.
They must be having a ball.
I'm going to go in the kitchen.
I need a meat to wash this down with.
I don't know about you
guys, but I like Jules.
And he has yet to beat me in chess.
Oh God, Brighton. He throws every game.
Do you see how easy it is to bond?
Well, I wouldn't get too attached
to the bloke if I were you.
We all know Miss Fine relationships
eventually end in disaster.
He asked me to marry him.
Right on the money as always, sir.
That is so cool, Fran.
Congratulations.
I know. I can't believe it.
I'm so excited I couldn't
eat a... ooh, kielbasa.
Sweet and sour cabbage.
Hit me again.
Ooh, such a big corn
for such a little girl.
He asked you to marry him?
Uh-huh.
You've known the man for two weeks.
What, you think it's so hard to believe
a man would fall in love with me that fast?
Yeah, Todd and I knew
each other three minutes
before I got a pudding pack in the eye.
Look, you know nothing about this man.
All right, so he's a doctor.
Is he a specialist?
You ain't just whistling Dixie, baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is so exciting.
So can I be a bridesmaid?
I know the doctor asked me to marry him,
but I didn't say yes.
This is delicious.
Why don't you grab a knife and
stick it straight through my heart?
Ha ha! That was great.
She sounded just like... ma!
Ma, let go of my ankle!
You'd better run.
Brighton, is she taking off her shoe?
No, but she's gonna hurl a corn.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ma, put down the vegetable
and no one gets hurt.
All right.
Help me to understand.
Which was the biggest turnoff...
the fact that Jules was gorgeous,
rich, or a doctor?!
Did I mention he was Jewish?
Darling, I only say
this because I love you.
You're a glorified cleaning girl.
This could be your last chance.
Oh, ma. I didn't say no.
I just said I'd think about it.
Ok. I did.
You mean, I do.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ma, you may kiss the bride.
You know Miss Fine, I think you're
very wise not to rush into this.
You're far too sensible a woman
to marry a man you just... ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuchus?
Sweetheart, I want you to have
the most beautiful engagement
ring that money can buy.
Oh, Julesie.
I don't know if I could
go through with this.
- Getting married?
- No.
Buying retail.
Let's go.
Now, you know, Jules, I'm a
simple girl with simple tastes.
I just want a simple ring.
That's a nice little stone.
Madam, that's a crystal ashtray.
I was talking about the shape,
like the shape of that
crystal pineapple over there.
No. That's a ring.
Whip it out, honey.
Ooh.
You know I think that's a little too small.
We don't wanna see
anything less than 5 karats.
5 karats?
What's up, doc?
This one is 5.2.
Uh, we could take off 10%.
That would make the price $50,000.
Ooh, a haggler.
Now we're talking my language.
Offer her 10.
- Hmm?
- Hmm?
I'm not too crazy about it.
It's a little cloudy.
But, sir, the stone is exquisite.
Uh, I agree with you, honey.
I think I preferred the one
we saw at van Cleef and hormel.
I'm sorry. This just doesn't sparkle.
It sparkles plenty.
Take it outside in the sun.
It'll blind you... your...
sir.
I'll be right back.
I shall leave you my little jewel.
So, when's the big event?
Whaouh...
If he buys this ring, I'll tell you,
he could get lucky in just a few...
Oh, you meant the wedding date.
Oh, actually, we haven't
talked about setting a date yet.
Wh... where's your fiancé?
- Oh, I'll get him.
- Ma'am, stay where you are, please.
- Why? He's probably right outside.
- Guard!
What's the matter?
He probably went to put money in the meter.
Oh, no. We don't have a car!
He's gone.
I'll call the police. You hold her.
Oh Jules, how could you do this to me?
He's a doctor. He didn't need the money.
Hillary's health plan didn't go through!
Oh, I can't believe this is happening.
He got along so well with my parents.
He wanted them to move in with us.
Well, that should've
tipped me off right there.
We've been looking for Jules
Kimble for over three years.
Dr. Kimble is a fugitive?
What are the odds?
He is not a doctor, Miss Fine.
Really?
So when he lanced my mother's
boil, it was just for fun?
Miss Fine, I don't want
to say I told you so,
but I never trusted the man.
You know, I can spot a
con artist a mile off.
This from a man who paid me time and
a half to work on Hebrew national day.
Why me?
He usually preys on women over 30.
You know, single, desperate, lonely.
Like I said, why me?
Oh, Miss Fine. Cheer up.
This isn't the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
Well, that's true.
The stupidest thing I ever
did was windexing your monet.
Or should I say your mon?
Miss Fine, this came for you.
Oh, an engagement present.
How humiliating.
Just put it upstairs with the rest of them.
Where is she? Where's my baby?
I rushed over as soon
as they finished my hair.
Mommy!
I just hope the police
find that creep before I do.
My Francine is not desperate.
She can have any man she wants.
Awww.
But not forever, so don't let yourself go.
Ma! This is all her fault.
Ever since I was a little girl,
she's always pushing me to get married.
I never pushed.
When I was a little girl,
every affair we'd go to,
she'd throw the centerpiece at me
and say "here, think fast".
Miss Fine, I'm sure your
mother only meant well.
- Well...
- Yeah, they always do.
Like when they stop you from
pursuing a singing career
to follow in your father's footsteps
as a subservient slave.
And loving every minute of it, sir.
Now, Sylvia, if truth be told,
I think you were a little more gung-ho
about this marriage than Miss... ow!
Damn! I broke my nail!
I'll leave you two alone.
I can't believe I lost my
figure for the likes of you.
You lost your figure for
the likes of Winchell's, ma.
I have low blood sugar.
The doctor prescribed donuts.
And who prescribed the ice cream floats?
Dr. Pepper?
Fran, I can hear you all the way upstairs.
Oh, her voice travels.
Honey, I'm sorry. Go up to your room.
Ok, but you have some major
issues with your mother
stemming from your failure to live up
to her expectations.
Come back here. Come back here.
Can you believe how advanced she is?
When I was her age, I was
hanging bagels from my ears
playing princess Leia.
I think you need some therapy.
No. She'll never change.
I meant together.
Now, let's see.
Who would be good for you?
My doctor's too cerebral.
Dr. Lehrman?
Nah, his couch is too itchy.
Oh forget it, sweetheart.
I'm not the type of person
that can lie on a couch
and cry and scream
about how miserable I am.
Please.
Put a lean cuisine on your lap
and 400 almond joy
wrappers under the cushions
and you'd be home.
So ladies, what brings you to therapy?
Well, I came because my
mother has an obsession
with me getting married.
I came
because my daughter
has a delusion that I have an obsession.
I came because they brought me
and I don't know how to get home from here.
Meanwhile, for 100 bucks a session,
she could've put out some
coffee and some nilla wafers.
Ma, brush yourself off.
You look like a veal cutlet.
Look, at a certain point,
I believe a daughter
has to stop blaming her
mother for everything.
This is your fault.
Me? Yeah.
You're the one who kept
pushing me to have children.
They're nothing but heartache.
That's right, cookie.
It's payback time.
You seem to be harboring
a lot of hostility.
Who?
Don't nag the kid all the time.
She should get married when she wants to.
Not just 'cause she got knocked up
by the seltzer man like I...
like I heard people do.
Ma!
Is that why I love egg cream?
Oh, ma. Buy your own hour.
This one is for me, right?
Huh?
Sorry. I drifted off.
Oh, that's not your fault.
Most people say our
voices are very soothing.
- Yeah I get that a lot.
- That's true.
All the time.
Frannie, all I ever wanted
was for you to be happy.
I just want you to have a full life.
You don't have to be married
to have a full life, ma.
Sure, I'd like to someday,
but if I don't,
it doesn't mean my life was worthless,
right?
Right?
Right?
Right.
I know you think I'm not all there.
But in my day,
we didn't air our dirty laundry in public.
Welcome to the eighties.
Hi, kids.
Fran, whatever you do, do not
let Gracie touch this board.
It's your move, dad!
Oh, you beat your father.
All right, B.
Ooh ooh ooh.
Look what you did, Gracie!
Fran, I have to break up with Todd.
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Oh, sweetie. It's your first crush.
Why don't you just enjoy it?
No, Fran. I'm really
afraid of getting hurt.
Those juice boxes are hard.
All right. So you picked the wrong guy.
No biggie.
Just move on with your life.
Ok?
Hope he ends up in attica with a
cellmate that finds him attractive.
Ah, you're back, Miss Fine.
Good. How did it go?
Well, my mother's thrilled.
She finally figured out why she has
an unnatural attachment to egg creams.
The Chinese food we're blaming on the man
that used to press grandma Yetta's blouses.
Concede, dad.
I've got you in two moves.
You're done. Finished.
Toast. Ha!
Checkmate.
What?
What happened to this board?
Oh, never leave two queens alone together.
They'll redecorate.
Oh, I should've never
blamed my mother, anyway.
I should've known that
guy was out of my league.
Oh no, Miss Fine. He wasn't.
He duped you.
Yeah but I was right for the duping.
Once a girl's exposed to a guy like you,
so debonair and classy,
there's just no going back.
Well, I've been known to turn a few heads.
Oh, please.
Miss Babcock needs an exorcist.
- You want to hear something funny?
- Mm-hmm.
The therapist said that
I was subconsciously
avoiding a relationship.
Oh, please. With whom?
I know. I know.
I mean, believe me, if
there was a guy out there,
single, successful, attractive,
I'd smell him a mile away.
What's that... Aramis?
Yes.
You know...
Grace's therapist said
exactly the same thing to me.
Well, yeah. You.
No. Trust me, Miss Fine.
If I found a woman who loved my children,
could make me laugh and I found attractive,
I'd never let her get away.
Hear, hear.
Ooh ooh. Hang on a second.
We're stuck on each other.