The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 1 - Pen Pals - full transcript
Mr. Sheffield pushes Fran to accept a date from her long time pen-pal whom she has never met.
- Anything for the post office?
- Yeah.
Miss Babcock's corporate tax returns
must be postmarked by the fifteenth
- or she'll face substantial penalties.
- Today's the 16th, Niles?
What's your point?
Would you mail
this letter to Lenny?
You know, I can't believe you're still
writing to your first grade pen pal.
Why? Val wrote to hers for a long time
till eventually he lost his appeal.
- Oh, she got tired of writing to him, huh?
- No. He lost his appeal.
They fried him at Levenworth.
- There you go.
- Miss Fine, this is an Easter seal.
- Oh, they don't look.
- Oh.
Uck! Something smells rotten in here...
or dead under the house or --
Maggie, I love your new perfume.
- She's trying to attract a guy.
- Who? The Orkin man?
Now, Brighten,
be nice to your sister.
Thank God my new girlfriend
doesn't smell like that.
Oh, does she fold down and thumb
tack to the wall like the last one?
Well, I think it's just fabulous.
Now even you'll be married before me.
Who is this little tramp that's
after your father's money?
Well, her name's Veronica.
I leave notes for her in third period,
she loves them for me in fourth.
We've had no physical contact whatsoever.
Well, it's working for Michael
and Lisa Marie.
Oh, Autumn, what are you doing?
You're throwing your life away.
And for what? That schmendrick Owen?
Oh, this isn't even my soap.
Oh, Summer, what are you doing?
Throwing your life away.
- Oh, Nanny Fine, how can you watch those soaps?
- Sshh.
The plots are so ridic --
what's going on?
Well, she is hopelessly in love
with her business partner,
only he doesn't even know she exists.
What a loser...
Hello, Maxwell.
- Maxwell?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
CC, I didn't notice you there.
So, what's gonna happen?
Is she gonna get this guy
or bash his British head in or what?
Well, he asked her to work late
tonight and she's gonna seduce him.
- So, we'll find out what happens tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
This is a soap. We'll be lucky if six months
from now that coffee she's making is ready.
CC, what are you
doing Saturday night?
Oh, my cousin Gee Gee
needs a transfusion
and my blood type is the -- why?
Never mind. I just thought
we could do some work,
but under the circumstances,
your cousin...
Oh, what's the rush? I mean,
they gave her six months.
You know, if she were Jewish
her last name would be Iceberg.
Looky here. Another letter
from that pen pal of yours.
Do I detect a strong hideous cologne?
Yeah. Your daughter just left.
But, on the bright side,
no more silver fish.
Oh, Lenny. Oh!
- Stop doing that?
- What?
Whenever you get a letter from Lenny,
you make that ridiculous grin.
No I don't.
You know, you never did tell me
what this Lenny chap looks like.
Oh, I have no idea. We vowed never
to exchange photographs...
which is probably why he stood by me
through my fatal attraction with Ben and Jerry.
Yes. I've seen those pictures
at your mother's.
So Mr. Smarty Feldman,
he who wore a plaid skirt to his high school
graduation should not throw stones.
- It was a kilt.
- You say potato.
Oh, no! I'm nauseous!
What? Lenny broke
the no photo rule?
No. He's coming to New York.
And he wants to meet me for dinner
at the Russian Tea Room.
And The Russian Tea Room's are bad because
waiters dressed as cossacks gives you the creeps or what?
No. I'm afraid to meet Lenny because --
well, over the years I might have
stretched the truth a little bit.
- For instance?
- Things.
Oh, cheer up, Flo Jo,
silver goes with everything.
Are you out of your mind?
What? No good?
You wouldn't believe
I'm the fastest woman on earth?
In that outfit, I would.
You like?
Because I did kind of tell him that I was
also a little more popular than I am.
Yes, sir.
- Oh, what a great audience.
Thanks you. - You know, to me --
to me nothing says debutante
like a leopard skin cocktail dress.
- What? No Oprah?
- I don't do daytime.
Miss Fine, what ever possessed you
to make up all these things?
What is it you're always
telling the children?
Don't wear white shoes after Labour Day?
All right, what is it I'm always
telling the children?
Miss Fine works too hard.
We should send her to Club Med?
No. To tell the truth.
Oh, yeah, I think I told him
I was on that show, too.
Oh, Mayday, Fran. Veronica stayed after school
so she could meet me. Yep, that's it. It's over.
- Oh, what happened?
- Well, I wrote to her and told her I looked like Brad Pitt and...
I don't.
Oh, B, you made up some cockum bull
story just to make yourself seem better?
I'm so surprised at you.
What? I said I was surprised at him.
I had to lie to Lenny.
A guy like that's not gonna interested
in me without the Olympics, Letterman and my career.
- You told him you're a nanny?
- Close.
Houston, we have a problem.
Oh, Niles, I thought I might as well give
Miss Fine a lift to the Russian Tea Room.
I'm going out anyway. Got to drop
by my, uh -- my, uh -- oh attorneys.
Your attorney is nowhere near
the Russian Tea Room.
Then I'll get a new one.
Same place I'll get a butler.
Admit it, sir, you're dying to get
a look at this Leonard fellow?
Oh, Niles, as usual,
you are way off the mark.
Do you think he still
has all his hair?
Oh, no, sir.
You're the fairest of them all.
- Where is Miss Fine, anyway?
- Oh, she's upstairs
getting all fapitsed.
- What does that mean?
- You know, dressed.
- I thought that was forplunget.
- No, sir, that means confused.
No, man, that's forcutchet.
Well, then, what's forshemaled?
I think that's her uncle.
Oh! Miss Fine, you look beautiful.
Oh, yeah, but I'm all forshvitsed.
Oh, what am I so afraid of anyway?
So I told Lenny that I'm a little more
sophisticated than I really am.
Oh, God, please let that be an eyelash.
Yeah, it was.
Tell me the truth. If you were expecting
Grace Kelly and I showed up,
you wouldn't be disappointed, right?
- Literally Grace Kelly?
- Yeah.
Well, yes.
I believe you forcocked it up, sir.
Oh, forget it! I'm not going.
Oh, Miss Fine? What? So, for the next
twenty years I have to hear
about this wonderful man you never met?
You are going. As a matter of fact...
- You're going to take her yourself.
- I'm going to take you myself.
- Even though it's nowhere near your attorney.
- Even though it's nowhere near my a --
anyway, you're gonna meet this
Lenny fellow face to face
- so you can see that he is no better than I am.
- You are.
Would you please. You are.
All right, let's go.
Wait! Wait! Oh, I know.
I'll tell him I couldn't come because
Miss America could not fulfil her duties
and I had to jump in. That's good.
That's good.
No. You wrote that to him
in your last letter.
A million Rosa Lopezes in the world and we got
to end up with a domestic with total recall.
Hello. Hello. Ready to work?
Maxwell?
I'll be back in a while, CC.
Can you start without me?
She can and she has.
Come along, Miss Fine, there's
no reason to be so trepidatious.
Well, I can't help it.
I'm nervous.
Oh, what if he's not as
accepting of me as you are?
I mean, you've seen me
at my absolute worst.
- Yes, I have.
- When?
No, I just mean your absolute
worst is absolutely lovely.
You know, there's a pooper
scooper law in this city.
- Come along.
- Oh, I'm going! I'm going!
Quit pushing! Quit pushing!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield
Yeah, well, Mr. Sheffield, it's very sweet
of you to sit with me until Lenny comes,
but it isn't necessary. I'm a grown woman.
I can handle myself.
Hello girl sweet as pudding.
Uh, you know, my wife was pissed
but I felt trapped in my old body.
Forget it, Miss Fine,
I'm not going anywhere.
Would you care for an aperitif?
Nah. I'll just do
a little before dinner drink.
Two champagne cocktails, please.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, buying drinks?
How classy.
Boy, me and Val usually
just sit at the bar
and wait for the guys next to us to go
to the bathroom and then we take theirs.
You'd drink someone else's drink?
No. We just hold it.
Well, you got to have a drink to
get into the free happy hour buffet.
Don't you ever go out?
Actually, I'll have you know I was
quite the Jack of the Lad in my day.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Everybody goes through a curiosity phase.
Ah, just in time.
Oh, I don't know why I'm so worried
about meeting Lenny anyway.
I mean, at least, I'm not that broad
over there. Would you look at her?
Desperate look in her eyes.
Boozing it up...
Oh, my God! It's me!
Maxwell, darling, is that you?
Sshh. Don't turn around.
I'm yours.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Cluck like a chicken.
What?
It turns me on.
Baaawk.
Bawk. Bawk.
Bawk-bawk-bawk.
Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk. Ah!
Mr. Sheffield's been delayed.
Did you think I was him?
If you tell anyone about this?
Oh, I'd never do that.
We need the eggs.
Oh, I'll tell you, I feel
so out of place here.
I can't remember the last time
I sat on a bar stool waiting to meet a guy.
I thought you went out
last night with Val?
Oh, yeah, that's when it was.
Oh, would you look at those two
chippies over there checking you out.
You know, Mr. Sheffield,
you're not tied to me.
I mean, if you want to work the room.
- No. If I get up, you might take my drink.
- Ah! Ah! Ah! Touche!
You you are so suava bola.
I bet you've got some sure
fire pickup lines?
Well, the first one's simply
"Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway Producer."
- What's the second one?
- How do you like your eggs?
Oh! Ooh! Ha! Mr. Sheffield?
- I wonder what's keeping Lenny?
- Lenny who? Oh?
He's half an hour late.
The suspense must be killing you.
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just
thinking how nice it is to get out,
you know, without the kids.
Maybe it's time we thought about hiring
someone to take care of -- oh?
Yes, Miss Fine, I've often
thought of hiring a nanny myself.
Ah-ha-ha!
- Oh, you know, Mr. Sheffield, I have
a little confession to make. - Umm-hmm?
I'm having such a great time
just sitting here with you,
I don't even care
if Lenny is a no show.
Whoop! There he is.
And he's gorgeous. Go home.
Miss Fine, how do you even
know that's him?
Well, we both agreed to wear a red rose.
He's turning around. Boy, coming
and going, it's still good.
Well, I suppose he's all right
if you go for that dark, Mediterranean,
well-muscled, from the docks type.
What are you jealous?
Well, I admit I wish I could lift a crate
of rear projection television sets.
But, unfortunately,
I have to hire people to do that.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi!
Well, don't be shy,
give me a kiss.
Maxwell Sheffield.
- David Stavross.
- Who?
You're not Lenny?
- Well, what are you wearing a red rose for?
- I'm with the band.
Oh! You have some hell of a nerve!
Now, kiss me good night
and get out of here!
Miss Fine?
Oh, all right!
Here. Jot your number down
on this napkin. Now, get lost.
What do you say? You want to give
this Lenny another half an hour?
Oh, no way. The guy stood me up.
Boy, you think that he would want
to meet the first millionaire
woman astronaut who
opened for Streisand.
Perhaps your letters
intimidated him.
Yeah, well, if he can't
handle a strong woman?
- Excuse me, Ma'am, this was left for you.
- Oh. Huh?
Oh, it's from Lenny. Dear Fran,
this is my last letter.
When I came in and saw you
with that great looking guy,
I knew I could never compete with him.
Oh, Miss Fine, I --
I feel terrible.
You?
What were the odds of Lenny walking in
just when I was in the arms of David?
Niles, I don't make it a habit of
drink with the help.
I've never been any help to you.
Exactly...
So, tell me, Rochester,
what'd you do to kill
a day before I came along?
Well, truth be told,
my life was a little empty.
But now I have a hobby.
I loathe you.
- I despise you.
- Servant.
Trollop.
Bellboy.
Brunette.
Good night, Maxwell. Fanny Nine...
Swine.
Chicken.
Good night, people.
Miss Fine, how much did
I have to drink this evening?
Not as much as them.
I suppose when two people spend as much
time around each other as those two,
- something like this is bound to happen.
- Yeah. I suppose it's inevitable.
Are you are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking about --
taking a shower and going to bed.
What a coincidence. I'm going to bed
thinking about you taking a shower.
- Yeah.
Miss Babcock's corporate tax returns
must be postmarked by the fifteenth
- or she'll face substantial penalties.
- Today's the 16th, Niles?
What's your point?
Would you mail
this letter to Lenny?
You know, I can't believe you're still
writing to your first grade pen pal.
Why? Val wrote to hers for a long time
till eventually he lost his appeal.
- Oh, she got tired of writing to him, huh?
- No. He lost his appeal.
They fried him at Levenworth.
- There you go.
- Miss Fine, this is an Easter seal.
- Oh, they don't look.
- Oh.
Uck! Something smells rotten in here...
or dead under the house or --
Maggie, I love your new perfume.
- She's trying to attract a guy.
- Who? The Orkin man?
Now, Brighten,
be nice to your sister.
Thank God my new girlfriend
doesn't smell like that.
Oh, does she fold down and thumb
tack to the wall like the last one?
Well, I think it's just fabulous.
Now even you'll be married before me.
Who is this little tramp that's
after your father's money?
Well, her name's Veronica.
I leave notes for her in third period,
she loves them for me in fourth.
We've had no physical contact whatsoever.
Well, it's working for Michael
and Lisa Marie.
Oh, Autumn, what are you doing?
You're throwing your life away.
And for what? That schmendrick Owen?
Oh, this isn't even my soap.
Oh, Summer, what are you doing?
Throwing your life away.
- Oh, Nanny Fine, how can you watch those soaps?
- Sshh.
The plots are so ridic --
what's going on?
Well, she is hopelessly in love
with her business partner,
only he doesn't even know she exists.
What a loser...
Hello, Maxwell.
- Maxwell?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
CC, I didn't notice you there.
So, what's gonna happen?
Is she gonna get this guy
or bash his British head in or what?
Well, he asked her to work late
tonight and she's gonna seduce him.
- So, we'll find out what happens tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
This is a soap. We'll be lucky if six months
from now that coffee she's making is ready.
CC, what are you
doing Saturday night?
Oh, my cousin Gee Gee
needs a transfusion
and my blood type is the -- why?
Never mind. I just thought
we could do some work,
but under the circumstances,
your cousin...
Oh, what's the rush? I mean,
they gave her six months.
You know, if she were Jewish
her last name would be Iceberg.
Looky here. Another letter
from that pen pal of yours.
Do I detect a strong hideous cologne?
Yeah. Your daughter just left.
But, on the bright side,
no more silver fish.
Oh, Lenny. Oh!
- Stop doing that?
- What?
Whenever you get a letter from Lenny,
you make that ridiculous grin.
No I don't.
You know, you never did tell me
what this Lenny chap looks like.
Oh, I have no idea. We vowed never
to exchange photographs...
which is probably why he stood by me
through my fatal attraction with Ben and Jerry.
Yes. I've seen those pictures
at your mother's.
So Mr. Smarty Feldman,
he who wore a plaid skirt to his high school
graduation should not throw stones.
- It was a kilt.
- You say potato.
Oh, no! I'm nauseous!
What? Lenny broke
the no photo rule?
No. He's coming to New York.
And he wants to meet me for dinner
at the Russian Tea Room.
And The Russian Tea Room's are bad because
waiters dressed as cossacks gives you the creeps or what?
No. I'm afraid to meet Lenny because --
well, over the years I might have
stretched the truth a little bit.
- For instance?
- Things.
Oh, cheer up, Flo Jo,
silver goes with everything.
Are you out of your mind?
What? No good?
You wouldn't believe
I'm the fastest woman on earth?
In that outfit, I would.
You like?
Because I did kind of tell him that I was
also a little more popular than I am.
Yes, sir.
- Oh, what a great audience.
Thanks you. - You know, to me --
to me nothing says debutante
like a leopard skin cocktail dress.
- What? No Oprah?
- I don't do daytime.
Miss Fine, what ever possessed you
to make up all these things?
What is it you're always
telling the children?
Don't wear white shoes after Labour Day?
All right, what is it I'm always
telling the children?
Miss Fine works too hard.
We should send her to Club Med?
No. To tell the truth.
Oh, yeah, I think I told him
I was on that show, too.
Oh, Mayday, Fran. Veronica stayed after school
so she could meet me. Yep, that's it. It's over.
- Oh, what happened?
- Well, I wrote to her and told her I looked like Brad Pitt and...
I don't.
Oh, B, you made up some cockum bull
story just to make yourself seem better?
I'm so surprised at you.
What? I said I was surprised at him.
I had to lie to Lenny.
A guy like that's not gonna interested
in me without the Olympics, Letterman and my career.
- You told him you're a nanny?
- Close.
Houston, we have a problem.
Oh, Niles, I thought I might as well give
Miss Fine a lift to the Russian Tea Room.
I'm going out anyway. Got to drop
by my, uh -- my, uh -- oh attorneys.
Your attorney is nowhere near
the Russian Tea Room.
Then I'll get a new one.
Same place I'll get a butler.
Admit it, sir, you're dying to get
a look at this Leonard fellow?
Oh, Niles, as usual,
you are way off the mark.
Do you think he still
has all his hair?
Oh, no, sir.
You're the fairest of them all.
- Where is Miss Fine, anyway?
- Oh, she's upstairs
getting all fapitsed.
- What does that mean?
- You know, dressed.
- I thought that was forplunget.
- No, sir, that means confused.
No, man, that's forcutchet.
Well, then, what's forshemaled?
I think that's her uncle.
Oh! Miss Fine, you look beautiful.
Oh, yeah, but I'm all forshvitsed.
Oh, what am I so afraid of anyway?
So I told Lenny that I'm a little more
sophisticated than I really am.
Oh, God, please let that be an eyelash.
Yeah, it was.
Tell me the truth. If you were expecting
Grace Kelly and I showed up,
you wouldn't be disappointed, right?
- Literally Grace Kelly?
- Yeah.
Well, yes.
I believe you forcocked it up, sir.
Oh, forget it! I'm not going.
Oh, Miss Fine? What? So, for the next
twenty years I have to hear
about this wonderful man you never met?
You are going. As a matter of fact...
- You're going to take her yourself.
- I'm going to take you myself.
- Even though it's nowhere near your attorney.
- Even though it's nowhere near my a --
anyway, you're gonna meet this
Lenny fellow face to face
- so you can see that he is no better than I am.
- You are.
Would you please. You are.
All right, let's go.
Wait! Wait! Oh, I know.
I'll tell him I couldn't come because
Miss America could not fulfil her duties
and I had to jump in. That's good.
That's good.
No. You wrote that to him
in your last letter.
A million Rosa Lopezes in the world and we got
to end up with a domestic with total recall.
Hello. Hello. Ready to work?
Maxwell?
I'll be back in a while, CC.
Can you start without me?
She can and she has.
Come along, Miss Fine, there's
no reason to be so trepidatious.
Well, I can't help it.
I'm nervous.
Oh, what if he's not as
accepting of me as you are?
I mean, you've seen me
at my absolute worst.
- Yes, I have.
- When?
No, I just mean your absolute
worst is absolutely lovely.
You know, there's a pooper
scooper law in this city.
- Come along.
- Oh, I'm going! I'm going!
Quit pushing! Quit pushing!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield
Yeah, well, Mr. Sheffield, it's very sweet
of you to sit with me until Lenny comes,
but it isn't necessary. I'm a grown woman.
I can handle myself.
Hello girl sweet as pudding.
Uh, you know, my wife was pissed
but I felt trapped in my old body.
Forget it, Miss Fine,
I'm not going anywhere.
Would you care for an aperitif?
Nah. I'll just do
a little before dinner drink.
Two champagne cocktails, please.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, buying drinks?
How classy.
Boy, me and Val usually
just sit at the bar
and wait for the guys next to us to go
to the bathroom and then we take theirs.
You'd drink someone else's drink?
No. We just hold it.
Well, you got to have a drink to
get into the free happy hour buffet.
Don't you ever go out?
Actually, I'll have you know I was
quite the Jack of the Lad in my day.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Everybody goes through a curiosity phase.
Ah, just in time.
Oh, I don't know why I'm so worried
about meeting Lenny anyway.
I mean, at least, I'm not that broad
over there. Would you look at her?
Desperate look in her eyes.
Boozing it up...
Oh, my God! It's me!
Maxwell, darling, is that you?
Sshh. Don't turn around.
I'm yours.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Cluck like a chicken.
What?
It turns me on.
Baaawk.
Bawk. Bawk.
Bawk-bawk-bawk.
Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk. Ah!
Mr. Sheffield's been delayed.
Did you think I was him?
If you tell anyone about this?
Oh, I'd never do that.
We need the eggs.
Oh, I'll tell you, I feel
so out of place here.
I can't remember the last time
I sat on a bar stool waiting to meet a guy.
I thought you went out
last night with Val?
Oh, yeah, that's when it was.
Oh, would you look at those two
chippies over there checking you out.
You know, Mr. Sheffield,
you're not tied to me.
I mean, if you want to work the room.
- No. If I get up, you might take my drink.
- Ah! Ah! Ah! Touche!
You you are so suava bola.
I bet you've got some sure
fire pickup lines?
Well, the first one's simply
"Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway Producer."
- What's the second one?
- How do you like your eggs?
Oh! Ooh! Ha! Mr. Sheffield?
- I wonder what's keeping Lenny?
- Lenny who? Oh?
He's half an hour late.
The suspense must be killing you.
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just
thinking how nice it is to get out,
you know, without the kids.
Maybe it's time we thought about hiring
someone to take care of -- oh?
Yes, Miss Fine, I've often
thought of hiring a nanny myself.
Ah-ha-ha!
- Oh, you know, Mr. Sheffield, I have
a little confession to make. - Umm-hmm?
I'm having such a great time
just sitting here with you,
I don't even care
if Lenny is a no show.
Whoop! There he is.
And he's gorgeous. Go home.
Miss Fine, how do you even
know that's him?
Well, we both agreed to wear a red rose.
He's turning around. Boy, coming
and going, it's still good.
Well, I suppose he's all right
if you go for that dark, Mediterranean,
well-muscled, from the docks type.
What are you jealous?
Well, I admit I wish I could lift a crate
of rear projection television sets.
But, unfortunately,
I have to hire people to do that.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi!
Well, don't be shy,
give me a kiss.
Maxwell Sheffield.
- David Stavross.
- Who?
You're not Lenny?
- Well, what are you wearing a red rose for?
- I'm with the band.
Oh! You have some hell of a nerve!
Now, kiss me good night
and get out of here!
Miss Fine?
Oh, all right!
Here. Jot your number down
on this napkin. Now, get lost.
What do you say? You want to give
this Lenny another half an hour?
Oh, no way. The guy stood me up.
Boy, you think that he would want
to meet the first millionaire
woman astronaut who
opened for Streisand.
Perhaps your letters
intimidated him.
Yeah, well, if he can't
handle a strong woman?
- Excuse me, Ma'am, this was left for you.
- Oh. Huh?
Oh, it's from Lenny. Dear Fran,
this is my last letter.
When I came in and saw you
with that great looking guy,
I knew I could never compete with him.
Oh, Miss Fine, I --
I feel terrible.
You?
What were the odds of Lenny walking in
just when I was in the arms of David?
Niles, I don't make it a habit of
drink with the help.
I've never been any help to you.
Exactly...
So, tell me, Rochester,
what'd you do to kill
a day before I came along?
Well, truth be told,
my life was a little empty.
But now I have a hobby.
I loathe you.
- I despise you.
- Servant.
Trollop.
Bellboy.
Brunette.
Good night, Maxwell. Fanny Nine...
Swine.
Chicken.
Good night, people.
Miss Fine, how much did
I have to drink this evening?
Not as much as them.
I suppose when two people spend as much
time around each other as those two,
- something like this is bound to happen.
- Yeah. I suppose it's inevitable.
Are you are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking about --
taking a shower and going to bed.
What a coincidence. I'm going to bed
thinking about you taking a shower.