The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 16 - Where's Fran? - full transcript

Oh, I can't believe
you saw Maggie

and her new boyfriend
smoking cigarettes.

Well, I'm just glad
she wasn't smoking

because they just had...
You know.

She's too young to...
You know.

Believe me, kids nowadays
are you-knowing
before you know it.

So what are you gonna do,
tell Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, no.
I could never betray
Maggie's trust like that.

Then she'd start
telling on me.

No. I've got a better idea.

I am going to
let Mr. Sheffield



catch me smoking
right in front of Maggie.

Oh, Fran,
that is a brilliant idea.

You don't get it,
do you, Val?

No.

When Maggie sees
Mr. Sheffield reaming me out,

she's gonna be
so petrified

she's never gonna
want to smoke again.

Oh, here they come.

Oh, boy, does this
bring back memories.

You miss smoking?

No.

I miss you-knowing.

Sweetheart,
you want a cup of...

Miss Fine,
what the devil
are you doing?



Oh, my God.
Mr. Sheffield.

I didn't expect you to
come home and catch me.

Don't you hate
when that happens?

Have you lost your mind?

Oh, I know.

Smoking in front
of the children?

Oh, I know.

Well, I've always known
you weren't too bright,

but of all
the stupid things
you've ever done...

I...
What'd you say?

You think I'm stupid?

Well, I'd love to find
some other explanation,

but there doesn't
seem to be one.

Look,
there may be somebody
stupid in this room,

but it sure ain't me.

What did I do?

Do you know
who you are speaking to?

Yeah.

I'm speaking to the guy
that if he doesn't take back
what he just said,

he's gonna be
looking for a nanny.

I've been looking
for one for the last
three bloody years.

I am out of here.
And Niles feels
the same way, too.

Tell him, Niles.

Who loves you, baby?

? She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens

? 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out

? in one of those
crushing scenes

? What was she to do?
Where was she to go?

? She was out on her fanny

? So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door

? She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more

? She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!

? That's how
she became the nanny!

? Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

? was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

? Now the father
finds her beguiling

? Watch out, C.C.!

? And the kids
are actually smiling

? Such joie de vivre!

? She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan

? The flashy girl
from Flushing

? The nanny named Fran! ?

Um, Dad,
if you and Fran split up,

uh, who do we live with?

Me, sweetheart.

Oh.

Find her!

Dad, you know,
I really just
cannot believe

that you called her
a moron,

threw her out in the snow
without a winter coat.

I did no such...
Who told you that?

Does it really matter
where the boy,

who has a Playboyhidden
in the hamper, heard it?

I never said "moron".

But you must admit
she has done some things

that would qualify
her as the fourth Stooge.

Shave him.

All right.

You're the doctor.

(HUMMING)

What are you doing?

Well, I have no idea.

I mean,
the man has a slight
five o'clock shadow,

but it's not like he's going
to a bar mitzvah.

Shave him for surgery!

Well, where do you
want me to shave him? Oh!

You know,
I'll be back
in a minute.

I have a girl
that does a bikini wax.

Now!

Oh, all right.

Bucking for a raise?

Or perhaps she behaves
the way she does, sir,

because you intimidate her.

You're always
yelling at her.

I most certainly am not.

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine! You've got
some 'splaining to do.

Oh, look at the time.
Where did the day go?

Time flies when
you're being unreasonable...

Sir.

Oh, how can anyone be
expected to get any work done

without that door flying open
and someone barging in?

Mr. Sheffield,
I'm sorry to bother you,

but we've got a problem,
and, boy, you are never
gonna guess this one.

Niles, do you need to
speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir. I simply
wanted to be here

in person
for this one.

Brighton was in gym class.

And, well,
when he looked around,

compared to all
the other boys,
he's small.

Small?

You know, like in, petite.

Poquito.

Gherkin.

Hello, friend.

You're sitting
on John Malkovich.

I don't hear him
complaining.

You are going
to rectify this situation.

Wow! That sounds painful.
Mmm.

Yes.

Thanks to you,
in eight weeks,

the curtain goes up
on a six-foot, 300-pound
stage manager with a Mohawk

singing, "Consider
yourself one of us."

Well, all right.
What do you have
in mind?

You're gonna talk him
back into the show.

Oh, but Mr. Sheffield...

No buts, Miss Fine.

You are going to
march yourself upstairs,
put on something smashing,

take him to
the best restaurant in town,

and order the most
expensive thing on the menu.

Well, all right,
but I'm not taking the limo.

Oh, yes, you are.

Slave driver!

But there is no way
you're gonna buy me
a new dress.

Get out!

Sir, it's obvious
you miss Miss Fine.

She's probably
at her mother's.

Why don't you just call?

I most certainly will not.

Mr. Sheffield,
I haven't heard from Fran

since you called her a
brainless, big-haired
shmegegi.

Fran is a very sensitive girl.

You should take
a lesson from me.

I know how to talk to her.

Ma, these are not
Fran's children.

Fran doesn't
have any children.

She's not married.
She's all alone.

Louder, Ma.
I don't think
they heard you in Uruguay.

Still, their side
never did as well as us.

What well?
My daughter's a maid.

Nanny, Ma.

Never mind me.
Have the party
wherever you want.

Oh, Ma,
you're just saying that

to try and make me
feel guilty.

I'm not trying
to make you feel anything.

Feel this.
Is this a lump here?

I am so upset about
this whole thing
I can't even eat.

This is between
you and my daughter.
I don't like to mix in.

Miss Fine,
I think you're very wise

not to rush into this.

You're far too sensible
a woman to marry a man
you just...

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuckus?

Maxwell, is it true
that you called

Nanny Fine a witless,
man-chasing floozy?

(SIGHING)
I did no such thing.

Oh, then it must
have been me.

Oh, kidding aside.
I am going to miss
Nanny Fine.

We were getting so close.

I'll kill you!

Sir.

You want something,
don't you?

Nanny Fine
wants something.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, God, this is good!

Are you done?

You want to
have a ciggy butt
and cuddle now?

Question. When they
shot Bambi's mother,

did you find that
a sad moment

at all?

Well, I, for one,
hope she comes back soon.

I don't like wandering
around the house alone.

I can never think
of anything to do.

(LIP-SYNCHING)

? Just take them
old records off the shelf

? I'll sit and listen
to them by myself

? Today's music ain't
got the same soul

? I like that
old time rock 'n' roll

? Don't try to
take me to a disco

? You'll never even
get me out on the floor

? In ten minutes
I'll be late for the door

? I like that
old time rock 'n' roll

? Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll

? That kind of music
just soothes the soul

? I reminisce about
the days of old ?

You realize, of course,
now I'm going to have
to kill you.

I'm not apologizing, Niles.
I happen to be right.

Well, if she doesn't
come back

until we find
a new nanny,

you can take care
of the children.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, dear God,
please let that be her.

Please, please, please.

Oh, Yetta.

Yetta, what happened?

We found her
wandering around
on Queens Boulevard.

She says she lives here.

Play along.
It's cheaper than a cab.

Officer, thank goodness
you're here.

Look,
our nanny is missing.

She stormed out
of the house this morning,

and we haven't
heard a word since.

She got upset
when he called her
a gorgeous sexy vixen

he couldn't live without.

I never said that.

Don't you wish you had?

If she's still missing
after 48 hours,

call the precinct.

We'll send someone right over.

Send Officer Kertz.

We listen to
Howard Stern together.

Meanwhile, it looks
like I'm sleeping over.

Well, Yetta, our door
is always open for you.

(FRAN EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God. Yetta.

What a coincidence.

Saul said the same thing
not 10 minutes ago.

What the devil's burning?

Oh, God.

Oh, Saul,
I ruined your bagel.

Oh, no, no.

You could just
scrape off the top.
It's still good.

What did you do with
all the cream cheese?

Yetta, you didn't drop
anything under the table
and go look for it, did you?

One time,
just to see
if I still had it.

Oh, God. That was you?

That was you?

Wait till you get a load
of the chick I fixed
him up with. Ta-da!

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to
dig up a brassiere
that hooks in the front.

What? No good?

(GIGGLING)
That was nice.

Do you want a cigarette?

No, no.
I told you I quit.

Here, put those away
before my dad walks in.

I'd like to
live long enough

to see if Ross and Rachel
actually get together.

Boy,
your dad catching Fran
really freaked you out.

Yeah. It's almost like
they set this whole thing up

to scare me
out of smoking.

Oh, no,
they couldn't have, though.

My dad's a really
bad actor.

Niles. Psst! Niles.
Mmm-hmm?

Do you think...
That Miss Fine allowed
you to catch her smoking

simply to teach
Miss Margaret a lesson
that would be more effective

than you screaming at her,
thereby breaking her
of a disgusting habit

and keeping your fragile
relationship intact?

Yes. That.

Well, I wouldn't
be a bit surprised.

She does have a certain
unique way of dealing
with the children.

Okay. Well, we gotta
make Maggie beautiful.

Yeah.
Like that's gonna happen.

Shut up, Brighton.

Hey, be nicer
to your sister.

Why?
Because we're a family?

Yes, that's right.

And someday your father's
gonna be old and sick.

You're gonna want him
to live with her.

Everything you need
to know about a man,

you can find
right in his cart.

If there's a box of Midol,
keep moving.

Corn pads means
he lives with his mother.

Learned that the hard way.

And if you see two guys
with sweaters tied around
their necks buying pesto,

save yourself the pain.

What about him?

Hmm. Let's see.
Cabbage, chili,
refried beans.

(EXCLAIMING)

One dinner with him
and you'll spend the rest of
the night blaming the dog.

How could you
embarrass me like that?

What's going on?

That--That boy was
mauling her on the balcony.

It was just a kiss.

He kissed you?

Yeah.

(SQUEALING)

Your first kiss.
That's so exciting.

Let me get the camera.

Oh, God, Niles,
what have I done?

Well, let's see.

You insulted
her intelligence...

It was a rhetorical
question, Niles.

What--What would you do
if someone was missing?

Well, that depends on
who it is.

If it were Miss Babcock,

well, you know
how much I love her.

I wouldn't be caught
dead in that dress.

You'd have to be dead
six months to fit into it.

He wants these contracts
in London by morning.

Well, here, hop on.

With the time difference,
you'll just make it.

Unwanted dirt
just slides right off.

Why? I want to die.

There, there, now,
don't do anything rash.

Maggie, go see
if you can find
some bottles.

Niles, do we have any
old nipples around the house?

Hello, hello.

All right, Niles,
I give up.

Look,
since Miss Fine
is so damned smart,

if I were missing,
what would she do?

Well, knowing
our little Margie,

she'd run next door
to Roger Clinton's

and have him call the FBI.

Oh, don't be absurd.
No one in their
right mind's gonna...

I'll get my coat.
I'll get my coat.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Maxwell.
Hello, Roger.
I'm desperate.

Do you have
any contacts in the FBI?

I'm sorry, Max. I can't fix
any more parking tickets.

No. Miss Fine ran out
of the house this morning.

I can't find her anywhere.

Well, I heard
you called her a...

No, no, that's what
Newt's mama called
my sister-in-law.

You know,
Newt's lucky Bill
even let him on that plane.

I'd have made him
fly Continental.

Chelsea, honey,
I know exactly what
you're going through.

Miss Fine, what the...

(SHUSHING)

Yeah, sweetie.
You don't know whether
the boys like you for you

or because of
who your father is.

Look, my father
was the president of the
Jewish Auto Mechanics Club.

Well, it wasn't
a very large group.

Let me talk
to your mother.

Hillary's looking
for a new nanny for Chelsea.

Wow! You'll pay me
that much?

I'll match it.

And my room will be
in the East Wing?

New carpets,
new--new drapes.

Oh, I'll get
to meet Barbra?

Oh, Walters.

I'm-- I'm sorry
for what I said.

I really am.
And--And you're right.

I... I was the stupid one.

Hold on a minute, Hil.

Please, Miss Fine,
please come back.

You know the children
love you, and I...

I...

Well, I mean,
we were getting so close.

Close?

Well, in a, in a
strictly professional way.

Yeah, right.

Uh, Miss Fine...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you want to play that game.
Okay.

You're the boss,
and I'm the nanny.

You give me a raise,
and I'll give you one.

Stop it!

Stop it, Miss Fine.
We're in your mother's house.

So? The couch has protection.

Hillary,
on second thought,

I thank you
for the job offer,

but I'm gonna
have to take a pass.

I just remembered something
my old boss could give me
that you can't.

Oh?

Fran, I'm gay.

(GASPING)

You're gay?

Oh, thank God.

Uh.

Uh, I'm letting go
and you're not. Why?

Hillary, honey,
it's very flattering,

but I just can't do it.

Honey, all right, already.

Miss Fine.

Hillary, this is getting
embarrassing, babe.

Miss Fine.

What?

Camp David on the holy days?

Miss Fine!

Gotta go, Hillary.

Letting you think I was
talking to the First Lady,
that was smart.

Forgetting to plug
the phone in, stupid.

(EXCLAIMS)