The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 13 - An Offer She Can't Refuse - full transcript
Fran is very happy with her new Italian boyfriend until she finds out that he has underworld connections and is now afraid to break up with him.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Miss Fine,
you can't possibly
hear the person
you're talking to
with all this racket.
Why do you think
I called Ma?
Frankie, Frankie,
when are you coming
back to practice?
Thursday.
Call you Thursday, Ma.
Frankie,
go get your stuff.
Your dad's gonna
pick you up any minute.
You know, Gracie,
if you switch to piano,
you'd have
so much more in common
with Billy Joel's kid.
Why would I wanna meet
Billy Joel's kid?
Well, because her father
is recently divorced,
sensitive and Jewish.
Stop always thinking
about yourself, miss.
I'll put away your violin
so it doesn't get broken.
You know, Frankie,
you really should
practice more.
Hey, don't tell me
what to do,
or my father
will put you in a pair
of cement Mary Janes.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, I'll get it!
Oh, hi.
You must be Mr. Tattori.
Please, my friends
call me Tony.
What does your wife
call you?
I'm divorced.
I'm Fran.
You seem very
familiar to me.
Where you from?
Flushing.
No kidding. Me, too.
I can't believe it.
You hardly have an accent.
Well, you know,
I've been living
in Manhattan
for two whole years,
so I kind of lost it.
Meanwhile, they said
you can never get out
of the neighborhood,
and look at us.
You in your
cashmere overcoat,
me in my boss's mansion.
Hey, Cheech,
give me a hug.
It'll cost you $10.
That's my boy.
What do you say we arrange
another play date?
Oh, well,
what do you say, Gracie?
Do you want
Frankie and his dad
to come over again?
Fran, Frankie
broke my Barbie's legs
and stuffed her in the trunk
of the Dream Car.
She'd love to.
I was talking
about you and me.
I will pick you up on Friday.
Friday? Wait a minute.
We hardly know each other.
Better start on Thursday,
take care of that.
You're a funny girl.
I'm gonna send you
some steaks.
Cheech, the door.
He's sending me beef?
Is that guy classy or what?
? She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
? 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
? in one of those
crushing scenes
? What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
? She was out on her fanny
? So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
? She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
? She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
? That's how
she became the nanny!
? Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
? was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
? Now the father
finds her beguiling
? Watch out, C.C.!
? And the kids
are actually smiling
? Such joie de vivre!
? She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
? The flashy girl
from Flushing
? The nanny named Fran! ?
(WHISTLING)
Looking for your diary?
Give that back to me,
you creep.
All right.
No, wait.
That was too easy.
You see,
while you were
sticking your tongue
in Peter Bidwell's mouth,
page 6,
I was sticking quarters
in the copier at Kinko's.
Okay.
How much do you want?
Look around.
Money I got.
What I need
is a personal slave.
I am nobody's slave.
Ah, not according
to page 22 entitled,
"Things
I can't let Peter know
I did with Jeff Connelly."
I'll kill you!
C.C., are you insane?
How could you tell our star
she could be replaced?
Maxwell,
anyone can be replaced.
Not Whoopie Goldberg in
A Night with Whoopie Goldberg!
Well, actually,
Sandy Duncan played
Valerie Harper for years.
Maxwell, her demands
were outrageous.
She wanted
her own makeup artist
and hair designer.
I said,
"You can just
damn well use
"who the rest
of the cast is using."
C.C., she is the rest
of the cast.
God, how can you cause me
such consternation?
Well, I think
it's the banana
bran muffins myself.
I mean, banana, bran...
Your colon's confused.
Don't you have
something to do?
Absolutely.
I need to ask you
for some time off.
I gotta get off early
on Thursday.
I've got a date,
which means I've gotta
gel, mousse, pluck, blend.
Oh, I'll tell you,
I'll be glad when
this natural look
is out.
So, now, this is
how to negotiate
with someone
that works for you
that wants something.
Watch and learn.
All right, Miss Fine,
I'll let you off early
on Thursday
if you stay late on Sunday.
Well, I can't
stay late on Sunday
but I can start late
on Sunday
and work my regular hours
Monday, Tuesday,
and Wednesday
since you gave me
Thursday off.
No. I didn't give you
Thursday off.
I just said that
you could leave early.
Oh, all right.
I'll leave early
on Thursday,
but I've still got
Sunday off.
No.
You're coming in late.
Oh, all right, already.
How does she
do that to him?
Oh, it's a female thing.
You wouldn't understand.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh,
what a beautiful gift box.
Ah, yes.
That'll be from
the Tony committee.
I made a fantastic speech
the other night.
(EXCLAIMING)
Well, it looks like
I'll be bringing home
a Tony before you do.
What?
Who's Tony?
And why is he sending you
London broil?
Oh, London broil
and sirloin and T-bone
and flank. Oh, my!
Tony Tattori, you know,
the new guy I met.
Miss Fine, don't you wonder
about a man you've just met
who's lavishing you
with expensive gifts?
Yeah. I wonder
where he's been
my whole life.
What are you gonna do
with this side of beef?
Oh, I don't know.
We'll probably go out
to the theater,
have a couple of drinks
afterwards.
Oh, Miss Fine,
look at you.
Don't you look ravishing!
Thanks.
I'm going out
with Tony tonight.
In that?
Don't you like it?
Well,
it's just that it's...
It's freezing outside.
Oh, no, sir.
Actually, it's the warmest
December day since 1902.
Yes. But there's
a cold front coming in.
Oh? I didn't hear that.
Yes. The new butler
is bringing it.
Well, how can
a butler bring... Oh.
Miss Fine, it's just
that I'm concerned about
you freezing out there.
Oh, don't you worry.
I've got a coat.
What's this Tony fellow like
anyway?
Oh, well, he's cute,
he's rich.
He's got an adorable accent,
and he loves musical theater.
I'll tell you,
he's like nobody
I've ever met before.
What kind of car
does he drive?
A limo.
Town Car?
Stretch. It's enormous.
Bigger than mine?
Honey, if it's
so important to you,
whip yours
out of the garage,
and we'll have
a limo measuring contest.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, Mr. Tony.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Never have I seen you
with anyone more beautiful.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Fine. Fran Fine.
Hey, Gino, Carmine,
Mr. Tony's table!
Wow! You must be
some big tipper.
The owner's
in the family.
Oh, a cousin?
No. No relation.
Oh, would you look
at those four guys
over there?
They were
sitting right behind us
in Beauty and the Beast.
Is that a coincidence
or what?
Hey, fellas,
did you enjoy the show?
Good show. Yeah.
The teapot was funny.
So, tell me about yourself.
What do you like to do
besides dress like
a million bucks
and drive around
in a limo?
Which is all I ever
really aspired to.
It's not important
what I do.
It is important
who I am.
Who are you?
It is not important
who I am.
It is important
who I am with.
(EXCLAIMING)
Here. This is for you.
Oh, Tony,
you shouldn't have.
Yes, you should have!
Oh, my God!
Fran, you are
the most lovely creature
I've ever set eyes upon
except for my late mother.
Poor woman,
just couldn't
keep her mouth shut.
Oh, Tony,
would you excuse me, please?
I've got to go
powder my nose.
You've gotta go, too?
Boy, this is getting freaky.
Oh, oh, oh, God.
(EXCLAIMING)
I gotta call Val.
Yes. Hi, Mrs. Toriello.
Is Val home?
I guess that was
a stupid question.
Oh, hi, Val.
You're not gonna
believe this present
that Tony gave me!
(GUNS FIRING)
Oh, oh, oh.
They're not gonna get this!
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
(GASPING)
Tony, what happened?
Jimmy Nucci said hello.
Oh, no.
Tony, it'll never work out.
I'm Jewish.
And you're a killer.
(SCREAMING)
Gracie, I told you
to give this thing
to charity.
What's it doing in my bed?
Hmm.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Oh, oh, Val, what are you
doing here so early?
I want to know
what Tony gave you.
Oh, who cares
what he gave me?
Isn't it gorgeous?
Honey,
I gotta break up
with him, though.
I gotta
end this relationship
because, you know,
Tony is...
A nose picker?
Oh, they are the worst.
Let me guess,
while he's driving?
What is it
with guys and cars?
They think
no one can see in?
Oh, Val, I blame myself.
Remember when I gave you
your first Toni Home Perm?
I wasn't supposed to
leave the chemicals on
for four hours.
I just wanted to watch
The Thorn Birds.
Val, Tony is in the mob.
Fran,
just 'cause he's Italian
doesn't mean he's in the mob.
I mean,
that's like saying
just 'cause you're Jewish,
your mother drives you crazy,
and you eat when you're upset.
Oh, Val,
what am I gonna do?
Fran, I am very offended.
Just 'cause I'm Italian
doesn't mean
I know everything
about the mob.
But if the jamook
is a chooch,
it means he's
gotta whack a jadrool
to become Cosa Nostra.
You better tell Mr. Sheffield
right away.
Val, I can't tell anyone.
Whoever knows
is in grave danger.
But you just told me.
Well, I had to tell someone.
Yeah.
But why would you
put my life in danger?
Well, you're my best friend.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Listen, Franny,
you better break up
with Tony right away.
Val, you can't just break up
with guys like this.
You gotta move to Idaho,
take a Nordic name,
and never
see your family again
for the rest of your life.
What do you think
of Helga?
Oh, slave.
Yes, Master Brighton.
Here is
your orange yoghurt smoothie.
Oh, that's a good slave.
Hey, let's just hope
you didn't put anything
gross or disgusting in it
because naturally
I'm gonna make you
taste it first.
You will be broken.
Fran, somebody
is gonna be killed.
(GASPING)
Who told you?
I'm talking about Brighton.
He stole my diary,
and he says
he's gonna show Dad
unless I do everything
he wants for a week.
Oh, honey,
I could have made
you a slave for a month
off of page 26 alone.
I imagine.
Fran, what am I gonna do?
Sweetie,
didn't he read the chapter
where you caught him
on tape
French kissing
your old Lisa Simpson doll?
I don't have a tape of that.
Oh, well, now you do.
Oh, my gosh, Fran,
I love you.
How did you know
to do this?
Sweetie, I'm a nanny.
Sooner or later
either you or Gracie
was gonna need it.
Miss Fine,
is there anything wrong?
Oh, Niles,
I wish I can tell you,
but anyone who knows
is in grave danger.
You mean your involvement
with a mobster
you're terrified
to break up with
because you think
he's gonna rub you out?
Val told you?
One Dove bar
and she spilled
like a cup of coffee.
Hey, wait a minute.
Tony's not the only one
with muscle in his family.
I got relatives, too.
I can have him taken care of.
You mean killed?
No! Audited.
Oh, Maxwell, calm down.
So we lost Whoopie.
I'm sure the theater owner
will let us
out of our commitment.
I'll just charm him.
Okay.
Then how about this?
We'll just move up
the next show.
(IMITATING C.C.)
Oh, we'll just
move up the next show.
The one for which
we don't have a director,
a set designer,
or a tenor to sing the lead,
which is why
we moved it back
in the first place.
Maxwell, if you intend
to get gruff with me,
lock the door.
Mr. Sheffield,
I must speak with you.
You know, they make
estrogen in a patch now.
It has to do
with Miss Fine.
Yes, well, what is it?
Well, I can't tell you, sir.
Anyone who knows
could be in grave danger.
Well, then,
why did you bother to come in?
To tell her.
Listen,
Tennessee Tuxedo,
I don't have time
for you today.
I have to find a tenor
for our new show.
Wait a minute.
Maxwell, Niles has
a beautiful voice.
We'll just put him
in the show.
Can you do
a southern accent?
"It's Shake 'N Bake,
and I helped."
Can you do a time step?
(SCATTING)
Can you be more naive?
Sucker.
Well, she got you that time,
old man.
Oh, I let her
have that one, sir.
She gets satisfaction
from a man so infrequently.
So, what's all this
about Miss Fine, eh?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, just a minute, sir.
I need to clear my throat.
(SINGING)
Forget it, Niles.
Okay.
Miss Fine is
being intimidated
by a certain gentleman,
tall, dark, handsome...
What did I do?
Sorry, sir.
It was a fly.
Sir, it's just that,
well,
Mr. Tony is not exactly
Miss Fine's cup of tea.
Oh, don't tell me
Miss Fine is put off
by a man
who likes to
say it with meat?
Well, you're missing
the point, sir.
Miss Fine would like
to break up with Tony,
but she's afraid to
because...
I know. I know, I know.
She doesn't want to
devastate the man,
hurt his feelings,
break his heart.
I'll do it for her.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, Tony,
I can't go out
with you any more.
I know what you do,
and...
I'll be dead before
I finish that sentence.
Okay. Hang tough.
Don't let him scare you.
Baby, give me a kiss.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, Tony.
Come on,
let's go get
something to eat.
Oh, no. No, I can't.
Usually,
when I say "Jump,"
people say, "How high?"
Okay.
I can't leave
because of the kids,
and I just had a big sandwich.
Oh, Miss Fine,
there you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
this is Tony.
Tony,
this is Mr. Sheffield.
If he says, "Jump,"
just jump!
So, you're the infamous
Tony, huh?
You and I need
to have a word.
Well, what happened
to having a word?
There you go, sweetheart.
Take a shot at Puccini, eh?
Tough family.
Frankie's not getting his
until he's confirmed.
Off you go, sweetheart.
Don't forget your sheet music.
There was a violin
in there?
Yes. Why?
What'd you think it was?
A machine gun?
Oh, you thought
I was packing heat
like some
cartoon mobster, eh?
What's the matter, Miss Fine?
You need a Kleenex?
Miss Fine,
that's not very attractive.
You keep that up,
you won't need me
to break up with him.
You want to break up
with me?
What?
There's something going on
between you
and Pierce Bronston here?
I'll go call an ambulance.
Well, Tony, I do think
it's all for the best.
Fran, I do not like
where this is going.
Oh, okay.
I take it all back.
Where do you want
to live?
Miss Fine,
would you stop doing that?
Now, look here,
she doesn't want
to see you any more,
and that's that.
What? Are the boys doing
some kind of blooper thing
for my birthday? Huh?
What's going on?
Niles told me
to come out here
and stand
in front of Maxwell.
Oh, by the way,
I just signed
Mandy Patinkin
to do our new show.
Wait, you're
Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?
Yes.
? If I loved you
? Time and again
I would try to say ?
Actually,
we need a tenor.
? All I'd want you to know ?
You--You tell me, if...
Perhaps if you weren't
so involved with Miss Fine,
you'd have time
to understudy Mandy.
Oh, he's not gonna
break up with me
to be an understudy.
Stay out of this, baby.
Where do I sign?
Right this way.
Do you like steaks?
Oh, cheer up, Miss Fine.
So Tony wasn't the one.
You're a beautiful woman.
You shouldn't go rushing
into relationships.
Don't chase men.
Find a way to make
men chase you.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
Your new understudy?
He's in the mob.
Miss Fine!
I don't do no nudity.
(YELPING)
Help, help, help!
Your colon's confused.
Don't you have
something to do?
Absolutely.
I gotta ask you
for some time off.
I got a date on Thursday
so I wanna leave early.
Means I've gotta powder
and puff and tease and...
(MUMBLING)
Your colon's confused.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was looking
the wrong way.
I thought we were
going back earlier.
That wouldn't match.
Wait, hey, wait.
Yeah.
This is the gentleman
with the confused colon now...
My...
And then
what I went up on...
Gel, mousse...
Gel, mousse...
WOMAN: Pluck.
Pluck, blend.
Gel, mousse, pluck, blend.
MAN: Okay. Here we go.
I need some time off.
I've got a date on Thursday,
which means
I've gotta pluck and...
(SCREAMING)
Miss Fine,
you can't possibly
hear the person
you're talking to
with all this racket.
Why do you think
I called Ma?
Frankie, Frankie,
when are you coming
back to practice?
Thursday.
Call you Thursday, Ma.
Frankie,
go get your stuff.
Your dad's gonna
pick you up any minute.
You know, Gracie,
if you switch to piano,
you'd have
so much more in common
with Billy Joel's kid.
Why would I wanna meet
Billy Joel's kid?
Well, because her father
is recently divorced,
sensitive and Jewish.
Stop always thinking
about yourself, miss.
I'll put away your violin
so it doesn't get broken.
You know, Frankie,
you really should
practice more.
Hey, don't tell me
what to do,
or my father
will put you in a pair
of cement Mary Janes.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, I'll get it!
Oh, hi.
You must be Mr. Tattori.
Please, my friends
call me Tony.
What does your wife
call you?
I'm divorced.
I'm Fran.
You seem very
familiar to me.
Where you from?
Flushing.
No kidding. Me, too.
I can't believe it.
You hardly have an accent.
Well, you know,
I've been living
in Manhattan
for two whole years,
so I kind of lost it.
Meanwhile, they said
you can never get out
of the neighborhood,
and look at us.
You in your
cashmere overcoat,
me in my boss's mansion.
Hey, Cheech,
give me a hug.
It'll cost you $10.
That's my boy.
What do you say we arrange
another play date?
Oh, well,
what do you say, Gracie?
Do you want
Frankie and his dad
to come over again?
Fran, Frankie
broke my Barbie's legs
and stuffed her in the trunk
of the Dream Car.
She'd love to.
I was talking
about you and me.
I will pick you up on Friday.
Friday? Wait a minute.
We hardly know each other.
Better start on Thursday,
take care of that.
You're a funny girl.
I'm gonna send you
some steaks.
Cheech, the door.
He's sending me beef?
Is that guy classy or what?
? She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
? 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
? in one of those
crushing scenes
? What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
? She was out on her fanny
? So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
? She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
? She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
? That's how
she became the nanny!
? Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
? was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
? Now the father
finds her beguiling
? Watch out, C.C.!
? And the kids
are actually smiling
? Such joie de vivre!
? She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
? The flashy girl
from Flushing
? The nanny named Fran! ?
(WHISTLING)
Looking for your diary?
Give that back to me,
you creep.
All right.
No, wait.
That was too easy.
You see,
while you were
sticking your tongue
in Peter Bidwell's mouth,
page 6,
I was sticking quarters
in the copier at Kinko's.
Okay.
How much do you want?
Look around.
Money I got.
What I need
is a personal slave.
I am nobody's slave.
Ah, not according
to page 22 entitled,
"Things
I can't let Peter know
I did with Jeff Connelly."
I'll kill you!
C.C., are you insane?
How could you tell our star
she could be replaced?
Maxwell,
anyone can be replaced.
Not Whoopie Goldberg in
A Night with Whoopie Goldberg!
Well, actually,
Sandy Duncan played
Valerie Harper for years.
Maxwell, her demands
were outrageous.
She wanted
her own makeup artist
and hair designer.
I said,
"You can just
damn well use
"who the rest
of the cast is using."
C.C., she is the rest
of the cast.
God, how can you cause me
such consternation?
Well, I think
it's the banana
bran muffins myself.
I mean, banana, bran...
Your colon's confused.
Don't you have
something to do?
Absolutely.
I need to ask you
for some time off.
I gotta get off early
on Thursday.
I've got a date,
which means I've gotta
gel, mousse, pluck, blend.
Oh, I'll tell you,
I'll be glad when
this natural look
is out.
So, now, this is
how to negotiate
with someone
that works for you
that wants something.
Watch and learn.
All right, Miss Fine,
I'll let you off early
on Thursday
if you stay late on Sunday.
Well, I can't
stay late on Sunday
but I can start late
on Sunday
and work my regular hours
Monday, Tuesday,
and Wednesday
since you gave me
Thursday off.
No. I didn't give you
Thursday off.
I just said that
you could leave early.
Oh, all right.
I'll leave early
on Thursday,
but I've still got
Sunday off.
No.
You're coming in late.
Oh, all right, already.
How does she
do that to him?
Oh, it's a female thing.
You wouldn't understand.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh,
what a beautiful gift box.
Ah, yes.
That'll be from
the Tony committee.
I made a fantastic speech
the other night.
(EXCLAIMING)
Well, it looks like
I'll be bringing home
a Tony before you do.
What?
Who's Tony?
And why is he sending you
London broil?
Oh, London broil
and sirloin and T-bone
and flank. Oh, my!
Tony Tattori, you know,
the new guy I met.
Miss Fine, don't you wonder
about a man you've just met
who's lavishing you
with expensive gifts?
Yeah. I wonder
where he's been
my whole life.
What are you gonna do
with this side of beef?
Oh, I don't know.
We'll probably go out
to the theater,
have a couple of drinks
afterwards.
Oh, Miss Fine,
look at you.
Don't you look ravishing!
Thanks.
I'm going out
with Tony tonight.
In that?
Don't you like it?
Well,
it's just that it's...
It's freezing outside.
Oh, no, sir.
Actually, it's the warmest
December day since 1902.
Yes. But there's
a cold front coming in.
Oh? I didn't hear that.
Yes. The new butler
is bringing it.
Well, how can
a butler bring... Oh.
Miss Fine, it's just
that I'm concerned about
you freezing out there.
Oh, don't you worry.
I've got a coat.
What's this Tony fellow like
anyway?
Oh, well, he's cute,
he's rich.
He's got an adorable accent,
and he loves musical theater.
I'll tell you,
he's like nobody
I've ever met before.
What kind of car
does he drive?
A limo.
Town Car?
Stretch. It's enormous.
Bigger than mine?
Honey, if it's
so important to you,
whip yours
out of the garage,
and we'll have
a limo measuring contest.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, Mr. Tony.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Never have I seen you
with anyone more beautiful.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Fine. Fran Fine.
Hey, Gino, Carmine,
Mr. Tony's table!
Wow! You must be
some big tipper.
The owner's
in the family.
Oh, a cousin?
No. No relation.
Oh, would you look
at those four guys
over there?
They were
sitting right behind us
in Beauty and the Beast.
Is that a coincidence
or what?
Hey, fellas,
did you enjoy the show?
Good show. Yeah.
The teapot was funny.
So, tell me about yourself.
What do you like to do
besides dress like
a million bucks
and drive around
in a limo?
Which is all I ever
really aspired to.
It's not important
what I do.
It is important
who I am.
Who are you?
It is not important
who I am.
It is important
who I am with.
(EXCLAIMING)
Here. This is for you.
Oh, Tony,
you shouldn't have.
Yes, you should have!
Oh, my God!
Fran, you are
the most lovely creature
I've ever set eyes upon
except for my late mother.
Poor woman,
just couldn't
keep her mouth shut.
Oh, Tony,
would you excuse me, please?
I've got to go
powder my nose.
You've gotta go, too?
Boy, this is getting freaky.
Oh, oh, oh, God.
(EXCLAIMING)
I gotta call Val.
Yes. Hi, Mrs. Toriello.
Is Val home?
I guess that was
a stupid question.
Oh, hi, Val.
You're not gonna
believe this present
that Tony gave me!
(GUNS FIRING)
Oh, oh, oh.
They're not gonna get this!
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
(GASPING)
Tony, what happened?
Jimmy Nucci said hello.
Oh, no.
Tony, it'll never work out.
I'm Jewish.
And you're a killer.
(SCREAMING)
Gracie, I told you
to give this thing
to charity.
What's it doing in my bed?
Hmm.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Oh, oh, Val, what are you
doing here so early?
I want to know
what Tony gave you.
Oh, who cares
what he gave me?
Isn't it gorgeous?
Honey,
I gotta break up
with him, though.
I gotta
end this relationship
because, you know,
Tony is...
A nose picker?
Oh, they are the worst.
Let me guess,
while he's driving?
What is it
with guys and cars?
They think
no one can see in?
Oh, Val, I blame myself.
Remember when I gave you
your first Toni Home Perm?
I wasn't supposed to
leave the chemicals on
for four hours.
I just wanted to watch
The Thorn Birds.
Val, Tony is in the mob.
Fran,
just 'cause he's Italian
doesn't mean he's in the mob.
I mean,
that's like saying
just 'cause you're Jewish,
your mother drives you crazy,
and you eat when you're upset.
Oh, Val,
what am I gonna do?
Fran, I am very offended.
Just 'cause I'm Italian
doesn't mean
I know everything
about the mob.
But if the jamook
is a chooch,
it means he's
gotta whack a jadrool
to become Cosa Nostra.
You better tell Mr. Sheffield
right away.
Val, I can't tell anyone.
Whoever knows
is in grave danger.
But you just told me.
Well, I had to tell someone.
Yeah.
But why would you
put my life in danger?
Well, you're my best friend.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Listen, Franny,
you better break up
with Tony right away.
Val, you can't just break up
with guys like this.
You gotta move to Idaho,
take a Nordic name,
and never
see your family again
for the rest of your life.
What do you think
of Helga?
Oh, slave.
Yes, Master Brighton.
Here is
your orange yoghurt smoothie.
Oh, that's a good slave.
Hey, let's just hope
you didn't put anything
gross or disgusting in it
because naturally
I'm gonna make you
taste it first.
You will be broken.
Fran, somebody
is gonna be killed.
(GASPING)
Who told you?
I'm talking about Brighton.
He stole my diary,
and he says
he's gonna show Dad
unless I do everything
he wants for a week.
Oh, honey,
I could have made
you a slave for a month
off of page 26 alone.
I imagine.
Fran, what am I gonna do?
Sweetie,
didn't he read the chapter
where you caught him
on tape
French kissing
your old Lisa Simpson doll?
I don't have a tape of that.
Oh, well, now you do.
Oh, my gosh, Fran,
I love you.
How did you know
to do this?
Sweetie, I'm a nanny.
Sooner or later
either you or Gracie
was gonna need it.
Miss Fine,
is there anything wrong?
Oh, Niles,
I wish I can tell you,
but anyone who knows
is in grave danger.
You mean your involvement
with a mobster
you're terrified
to break up with
because you think
he's gonna rub you out?
Val told you?
One Dove bar
and she spilled
like a cup of coffee.
Hey, wait a minute.
Tony's not the only one
with muscle in his family.
I got relatives, too.
I can have him taken care of.
You mean killed?
No! Audited.
Oh, Maxwell, calm down.
So we lost Whoopie.
I'm sure the theater owner
will let us
out of our commitment.
I'll just charm him.
Okay.
Then how about this?
We'll just move up
the next show.
(IMITATING C.C.)
Oh, we'll just
move up the next show.
The one for which
we don't have a director,
a set designer,
or a tenor to sing the lead,
which is why
we moved it back
in the first place.
Maxwell, if you intend
to get gruff with me,
lock the door.
Mr. Sheffield,
I must speak with you.
You know, they make
estrogen in a patch now.
It has to do
with Miss Fine.
Yes, well, what is it?
Well, I can't tell you, sir.
Anyone who knows
could be in grave danger.
Well, then,
why did you bother to come in?
To tell her.
Listen,
Tennessee Tuxedo,
I don't have time
for you today.
I have to find a tenor
for our new show.
Wait a minute.
Maxwell, Niles has
a beautiful voice.
We'll just put him
in the show.
Can you do
a southern accent?
"It's Shake 'N Bake,
and I helped."
Can you do a time step?
(SCATTING)
Can you be more naive?
Sucker.
Well, she got you that time,
old man.
Oh, I let her
have that one, sir.
She gets satisfaction
from a man so infrequently.
So, what's all this
about Miss Fine, eh?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, just a minute, sir.
I need to clear my throat.
(SINGING)
Forget it, Niles.
Okay.
Miss Fine is
being intimidated
by a certain gentleman,
tall, dark, handsome...
What did I do?
Sorry, sir.
It was a fly.
Sir, it's just that,
well,
Mr. Tony is not exactly
Miss Fine's cup of tea.
Oh, don't tell me
Miss Fine is put off
by a man
who likes to
say it with meat?
Well, you're missing
the point, sir.
Miss Fine would like
to break up with Tony,
but she's afraid to
because...
I know. I know, I know.
She doesn't want to
devastate the man,
hurt his feelings,
break his heart.
I'll do it for her.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, Tony,
I can't go out
with you any more.
I know what you do,
and...
I'll be dead before
I finish that sentence.
Okay. Hang tough.
Don't let him scare you.
Baby, give me a kiss.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, Tony.
Come on,
let's go get
something to eat.
Oh, no. No, I can't.
Usually,
when I say "Jump,"
people say, "How high?"
Okay.
I can't leave
because of the kids,
and I just had a big sandwich.
Oh, Miss Fine,
there you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
this is Tony.
Tony,
this is Mr. Sheffield.
If he says, "Jump,"
just jump!
So, you're the infamous
Tony, huh?
You and I need
to have a word.
Well, what happened
to having a word?
There you go, sweetheart.
Take a shot at Puccini, eh?
Tough family.
Frankie's not getting his
until he's confirmed.
Off you go, sweetheart.
Don't forget your sheet music.
There was a violin
in there?
Yes. Why?
What'd you think it was?
A machine gun?
Oh, you thought
I was packing heat
like some
cartoon mobster, eh?
What's the matter, Miss Fine?
You need a Kleenex?
Miss Fine,
that's not very attractive.
You keep that up,
you won't need me
to break up with him.
You want to break up
with me?
What?
There's something going on
between you
and Pierce Bronston here?
I'll go call an ambulance.
Well, Tony, I do think
it's all for the best.
Fran, I do not like
where this is going.
Oh, okay.
I take it all back.
Where do you want
to live?
Miss Fine,
would you stop doing that?
Now, look here,
she doesn't want
to see you any more,
and that's that.
What? Are the boys doing
some kind of blooper thing
for my birthday? Huh?
What's going on?
Niles told me
to come out here
and stand
in front of Maxwell.
Oh, by the way,
I just signed
Mandy Patinkin
to do our new show.
Wait, you're
Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?
Yes.
? If I loved you
? Time and again
I would try to say ?
Actually,
we need a tenor.
? All I'd want you to know ?
You--You tell me, if...
Perhaps if you weren't
so involved with Miss Fine,
you'd have time
to understudy Mandy.
Oh, he's not gonna
break up with me
to be an understudy.
Stay out of this, baby.
Where do I sign?
Right this way.
Do you like steaks?
Oh, cheer up, Miss Fine.
So Tony wasn't the one.
You're a beautiful woman.
You shouldn't go rushing
into relationships.
Don't chase men.
Find a way to make
men chase you.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
Your new understudy?
He's in the mob.
Miss Fine!
I don't do no nudity.
(YELPING)
Help, help, help!
Your colon's confused.
Don't you have
something to do?
Absolutely.
I gotta ask you
for some time off.
I got a date on Thursday
so I wanna leave early.
Means I've gotta powder
and puff and tease and...
(MUMBLING)
Your colon's confused.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was looking
the wrong way.
I thought we were
going back earlier.
That wouldn't match.
Wait, hey, wait.
Yeah.
This is the gentleman
with the confused colon now...
My...
And then
what I went up on...
Gel, mousse...
Gel, mousse...
WOMAN: Pluck.
Pluck, blend.
Gel, mousse, pluck, blend.
MAN: Okay. Here we go.
I need some time off.
I've got a date on Thursday,
which means
I've gotta pluck and...
(SCREAMING)