The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Kibbutz - full transcript

(GASPING) Maggie!

Tilt your head.

Can I vacuum in there yet?

You know,
I think there's more
than enough suction

going on in that room.

Why don't you give them
some privacy?

Niles, I'm performing
a very important function.

I'm watching out
for her father.

Yeah. The minute
Mr. Sheffield comes

walking through
that front door,

I'll just shift right
into my nanny schtik.



"Maggie, you're too young,
yada, yada."

Wow! Would you
look at the way
she tilts her head?

You know, I taught her that.

Gee, Niles, that Abdominizer

I bought you
is really paying off.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Not that your body
could ever compare
with Mr. Sheffield's.

He's so handsome and young.

What are we ever gonna
do with that girl?

She's completely
out of control.

Maybe I should hire
another nanny to watch her.

Well, you know,
that would really
free me up a lot to...

Miss Fine!

Look, I'm very concerned
about Margaret.



She has three weeks
of winter vacation
coming up,

and I don't want her spending

the entire time
on that couch
kissing some boy.

Oh, why don't you do
what my father did

when I entered
my make-out years?

Huh?
He walked into the den

and he spliced
into the neighbor's cable.

And?

I don't know.
We haven't seen him since.

Miss Fine!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
she's going to be 17.

I mean, all she's doing
is kissing.

It's not as if
she's running out
of the house

to meet some wild drifter
who's picking her up
on a motorcycle.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

Got to go.
That's my date.

♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens

♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out

♪ in one of those
crushing scenes

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?

♪ She was out on her fanny

♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door

♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more

♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!

♪ That's how
she became the nanny!

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling

♪ Watch out, C.C.!

♪ And the kids
are actually smiling

♪ Such joie de vivre!

♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing

♪ The nanny named Fran!

If you still
haven't made any plans
for your Christmas vacation,

you're welcome to
join me and Daddy.

Oh, well, uh, you know, Mom,

as tempting as a bus tour
of Florida dinner theaters
sounds,

I don't think I could stand
the thrill of seeing
the Ropers do Love Letters.

Oh, JJ Walker's gonna be
in Six Degrees of Separation.

It's not too late
to change your mind.

The review says it's dynamite.

Oh, Niles.
Huh?

It's so hard
planning a vacation
when you're a single.

Yes. It's so much nicer
when you have a family

so you can lug their
ski equipment around Vail.

Sit around the fire
listening to

"Niles, get me a brandy.
Niles, bring me a comforter.

"Niles, go out in that
blizzard for a pizza!"

Niles.
What...

...is that on your shoe, sir?
Let me get that for you.

There you are, sir.
Much better, sir.
Merry Christmas, sir.

Miss Fine. Miss Fine,
I've-- I've made a decision.

Yeah?
Yeah, I simply can't risk

Margaret spending her
whole winter vacation
with that boy,

so I'm sending her abroad.

A broad?
You want her
swinging that way?

Miss Fine, I'm serious.

I'm sending her away
for three weeks.

You're sending her
away from her family

on the holidays?

Uh-huh.
She's going to Switzerland.

Just her and her nanny?

Alone.

I'm sending her to a convent

where she can learn French,
arts, and European history.

Wow-wee! That sounds
more boring
than I can even fathom.

And I'm actually considering

sitting through
a bunch of bad plays

where the only dialog
I'm gonna hear

is the audience going,
"What'd he say?"

I don't care how much
Margaret protests.

I'm her father,
and what I say goes.

So talk her into it, would you?

Me?

Yeah. And try to
phrase it carefully.

I don't want to
come off like an ogre.

Oh, don't worry.
You're not gonna
be an ogre.

I'll protect you.

Well,
the ogre saw you
sucking face with Eric.

Now he wants to send you to
a nunnery in the Swiss Alps.

A convent?

What am I supposed to do there?

Learn French.

I guess he didn't see
what I saw.

Oh, honey, a convent
might not be that bad.

I got two words for you.
Sound of Music.

I mean, in two hours,

Maria managed
to ditch the nuns,

marry a gorgeous captain,
sell the movie rights,

and never have to schlep up
another mountain again.

Oh, come on, Fran,
would you go
if you were me?

Honey, you know,
going away by yourself
could be a great thing.

When I was your age,
I spent an entire summer
on a kibbutz in Israel,

and I had the time of my life.

A kibbutz?

Is that like one of those
communes in the '60s?

Well, sort of.

Except the only thing
we smoked was fish.

Oh, yeah.
But if I go,
Eric will meet another girl.

Oh, no, he won't.
You just tell him
that if he cheats on you,

you're gonna know
just by looking at him.

Who'd be stupid enough
to believe that?

Guys.

Well,
I propose we shut up
the office on the 15th.

No one important
is ever around
for the holidays.

You staying in town again,
C.C.?

No. This year I'm getting
as far away from this place
as possible.

Oh, Santa got my letter.

What about you, Niles?
What are your plans?

Aren't we going to Vail?

No, old man.
This year you're on your own.

I am?

Yes. Why don't you
take a nice vacation
just for yourself?

(LAUGHING)
Oh, please, the lost
Marx brother, Cheapo?

Are you suggesting I'm frugal?

Well, you have to admit,
old man,
I--I know what I pay you,

and you're not spending it
on your wardrobe, eh?

Oh, come on, Niles,
you never break a buck.

You live in Maxwell's house,
you eat his food.

Nanny Fine got you
that Flowbee so you
could cut your own hair.

Where do you stash your cash?

Somewhere you'll never
get near.

Oh. Your mattress.

No.

His.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Sheffield.

Maggie's going to a convent
so your round, young virgin
will stay that way.

Miss Fine, I don't know
how to thank you.

Oh, you'll think of something.

Fifth floor at Saks,
Ralph Lauren leather goods.

Ask for Sadie.
I put it on hold.

Oh, Daddy, I am so excited
about my trip.

And I owe it all to Fran.

Oh, stop.

No. I mean,
I was against it at first,

but then she really
talked me into it.

Stop.

I can't wait to go
on a kibbutz in Israel.

Stop!

What the devil
is all this about a kibbutz?

Oh, honey,
I think you misunderstood
our little conversation.

No. No. I remember.
You said that dad
was an ogre and...

No! No! No! No!

I said okra.

Okra was what we planted
on the kibbutz.

That must have been
where you got
your wires crossed.

Well, whatever.

Anyways,
I've got to go
kiss Eric goodbye.

Oh, Fran,
you were so right.
When you tilt your head...

Honey, honey, look,
if you're going on
a kibbutz,

start letting the hair
on your legs grow out.

You know, it's amazing.

Every time I ask you
to do something,

you always manage
to screw it all up!

And yet,
you continue to ask me.

You need help, mister.

There's no way on earth

Margaret is going to a kibbutz

unchaperoned at her age.

Why?
My mother let me go
when I was a teenager.

Oh, you must have been
quite a piece of work
back then.

God only knows
how you managed to
scam her into that one.

You know, you are so wrong.

My mother and I
had a very open relationship.

So, Val, here's the scam
that we tell my mother.

The kibbutz
is completely chaperoned.

There are no gorgeous,
shirtless Israeli guys.

And we're only there to absorb
the rich and wonderful culture
of our people.

Got it.

Fran, why does
your mother have to put
the yoghurt in the freezer?

That's her new invention,
frozen yoghurt.

Oh, parents are so stupid.

Oh, Fran, look
who's on Virginia Graham.

That really cool guy
from The Blue Lagoon.

Mmm, he is going
to be such a big star.

Change the channel.

(GRUNTING)

Well, now, I want you
to say hello to one of
the most talented, young,

bright, exciting
Broadway producers,
Mr. Maxwell Sheffield.

Oh, don't stop now.

Oh, is he a babe!

To think I was about
to do this musical

with a bunch of people
running around dressed
as cats.

Heaven forbid.
Oh, terrible.

Luckily,
luckily, my secretary
talked me out of that one.

Take a bow,
Miss C.C. Babcock.

Fran, I just got off the phone

with Mrs. Spielberg
from down the hall,

and her son
is dying to take you out.

Steven? That geek
from AV Squad?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

How about Mrs. Milken's son?

He's very smart.

Meanwhile,
he stole money
out of my locker, Ma.

So, Val,
what do you want to
do this summer vacation?

I want to go someplace
that I can expand my mind

and absorb
all the ancient heritage.

You're not going to a kibbutz.

Ma, how did you know?

Darling,
I'm your mother.
I read your diary.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Oh, that must be Ma.

We're going into the city.

Uncle Jack's building
is going condom.

Meanwhile, your
meshuggener granddaughter

wants to go to a kibbutz.

Well, you went
when you were her age.

(GASPING) Ma!

That was different.
I was building a nation.

Ma, I am so never
talking to you again.

Fran...
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.

Fran, you better get
this kibbutz thing
out of your head

and start thinking
about your future now.

Or you are gonna wind up
like your Cousin Myra,

over 30 and still single.

Sure, Ma, like that's
ever gonna happen.

Oh, Val, you should
see my Cousin Myra.
It is so pathetic.

Thirty-two years old

in a really short mini-skirt,
high heels,

big hair.

It is so sad.

So you're telling me
your mother let you go

7,000 miles across the world,
no argument?

Uh, yeah.

Mr. Sheffield,
I'm telling you,

this is gonna be a really
good experience for Maggie.

I just wish
that you would trust me
as much as my mother did.

(ECHOING)
Oh, sure, a vacuum
accident on your neck?

I don't trust you as
far as I can throw you,
young lady!

(POPPING)

Ma, it's me.

Ma?

Hello. Anybody home?

FRAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Would it kill you to knock

before you enter
a person's bedroom?

Ma, I'm sorry.

I hear sounds of ecstasy
coming from your room,

I figure
you're eating a cheesecake.

Darling,
if it bothers you,
just forget what you saw.

Well, that's not gonna be
so easy since it's burned
in my cornea.

Darling, what are you doing
here anyway?

Just a minute here.

I've got to take
a swig of Manischewitz.

Mmm, good vintage.
May.

I asked you to get
my stuff from Israel,
remember?

Oh, it's over there.
What do you want
with that junk?

Oh, well, I talked
Mr. Sheffield into letting
Maggie go on a kibbutz,

and I wanted to show her
what a good time I had.

Fran, you hated the kibbutz.

No, I didn't.

Oh, look,
here's my old journal.

"I hate this kibbutz."

"Friday. Almost able
to braid armpit hair.

"Sent Val to Jordan
to smuggle in Lady Bics."

You left halfway through
the program.

Don't you remember?

We had to tell them
that Nana died

so we would get back
the deposit.

Why do I remember
having the time of my life?

What was so great about it?

Fran?

Fran!

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Bagel, bagel.

Shalom, matzo ball, shalom.

Now, come over here
and knish me.

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember
why I loved it so much.

That was where I lost my

hat.

All right.

So you did have fun.
I was wrong.

So, maybe Maggie
will just have
as much fun as you.

Oh, over my dead body!

(EXCLAIMING)
This old dishrag
has seen better days.

Were your ears burning?

Looky, Diamond Jim,
I brought you some
travel brochures.

Don't worry.
They're free.

Let's see.
Ooh, windsurfing
in Saint Barts.

Uh-oh.

$25 equipment fee.

Well, you know,
if you flip one
really fast,

it's like you're there.

Is that how you
make your dates move?

As it happens,
I've made travel plans.

Oh, which island
did you decide on?
Staten or Coney?

Actually, I can afford
to make a lovely trip.

I sold a pair of
gaudy gold cuff links

Mr. Sheffield gave me,

one treble clef, one bass clef.

I gave Maxwell
those cuff links
for his birthday.

Oh. Well, then,
thanks for the trip.

Niles, Niles,
where's Mr. Sheffield?

I've got to talk
to him about Maggie
going on this kibbutz.

But didn't you already
talk him into it this morning?

Yeah. But it's this afternoon.
Now, I've got to talk him
out of it.

Keep up! Keep up!
But it's too late.

He's already gone shopping
with her for the trip.

Oh, good.
Okay. She's trying on
short shorts and tube tops.

He's looking at
salesmen looking at her

in the short shorts
and tube tops.

They're at each other's throat.

The trip's off.
My work is done.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, good,
you're still here.
Wait till you see this.

Isn't that adorable?

I'm dead.

Wow, Dad,
thank you so much
for all this cool stuff.

I love you.

Oh, love you too, sweetheart.

Oh, Miss Fine,
I can't thank you enough.

You know, I don't think
Margaret and I have ever
been this close.

I just hope she has
as thrilling a time
on her kibbutz as you did.

Yeah.
Well, be careful
what you hope for.

You know, Margaret and I
are like...

Well, we're like friends.

When we were shopping just now,

we ran into a couple
of her schoolmates,

and for the first time,
she didn't make me hide.

Oh.

Sweet. Touching.
Love it.

Now,
haul yourself upstairs
and tell her she can't go.

What? Why?
Why?

Uh, they closed Israel
for Hanukkah. Yup.

Too many people,
too many candles.
Big fire hazard. Big.

Miss Fine.

All right.
You wanna know
what it really is?

I kind of remembered
that the kibbutz
was where I lost my...

Oh, hi, kids!
What's new?

Well, we were just
in the basement...

Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait!

Everybody quiet,
except Miss Fine.

Now, you were saying
you don't want Margaret
to go to the kibbutz

because that's where
you lost your...

Hat.

Hat?

ALL: Hat?

All right. I take it
you were very attached
to this hat.

Well, not as much
as my mother was.

Look, Miss Fine,

what on earth
is the big deal
about losing your...

Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Everybody out!

No! No! No!
Not you, Miss Fine.

Oh, my God!

Why--Why do I ever listen
to you?

Well, my voice is
kind of hard to tune out.

It's like one of those
innate compulsions

like smelling milk you know
has gone bad

or touching something
that says "wet paint,"

or gnawing at the inside
of your cheek
when the dentist says...

All right. Okay.
We get the picture.
I'll go tell her.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you don't.
This is where I take over.

Now you'll see how something
is done when it's done right.

Margaret is not going
to the kibbutz,
and that is final.

I have to hand it to you,
Miss Fine.

This was a brilliant solution
to everyone's problem.

Meanwhile, would you
go pick some grapefruit?

'Cause if we don't come back
with a full wheelbarrow,

they're gonna kick us off.
And there's no Ramada
around here.

All right, all right.

Fran?

Oh, my God!
Yelsey, hi.

Are you still working here?

Yes. But now I work
with my son.

You like kibbutz?

Yeah.

You want me to take your hat?

Oh, no, you don't!

Nice tan, Sheila.

Bonjour, Marisol.

Oh, shake it, Miss Babcock.

Oh, daylight come
and me want go home.