The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Unkindest Cut - full transcript
Fran has been the type of person who has always survived on her correct instincts. Much to her dismay, those instincts seem to be failing her of late. First, she secretly reads and sends to several publishers a manuscript of Maxwell's first novel, which he wanted no one - let alone publishers - to read. They all reject it, using such strong words as "hate". And second, Fran thinks that Brighton should have career goals rather than rely on living on his trust fund. She thinks he should strive to be a director, with his first job being to film Sylvia's cousin Susan's baby's bris using his new video camera. Brighton agrees, but faints before the taping as he had no idea what a bris was before agreeing to do it. This has placed Fran and Sylvia in the bad books of the rest of the Fine family. But Fran feels she's back on track when she submits what footage Brighton filmed to "America's Wackiest Home Videos", the footage which is accepted. With free tickets in hand, the Sheffields plus Fran are off to Hollywood for the show's taping. At the studio, Fran gets lost and causes a ruckus on the set of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993), which results in her getting thrown off the lot. Back at the reason for being at the studio, Brighton gets one loss and one win, the win which he probably wanted more anyway.
Maxwell, I can't believe
you won't let me read
your first novel.
I've never been
so insulted in my life.
You've never been so insulted?
Well, now, I'm insulted.
C.C., my writing
is very personal to me.
Look, if it makes you
feel any better,
I can assure you
no one has read it,
and no one ever will.
Here's your book,
Mr. Sheffield.
I got a little Slim-Fast
on page nine.
Miss Fine,
this manuscript
was in a folder
marked "Personal"
in a file marked "Private"
hidden in my desk drawer.
Oh, I get you.
I get you.
You don't want
certain people
reading it.
Miss Fine, that included you.
You're kidding?
Well, if you didn't want
anybody reading it,
you should have put it
in your secret wall safe.
You want me to
open it up for you?
Get out.
All right. Okay.
But I'm telling you,
this man is gifted.
Come back.
You really think so?
Oh, I was so engrossed in it.
Now, remember that script
you asked me
to hand-deliver
to Mandy Patinkin
before 12:00,
or he was gonna
pass on your new play?
Didn't do it.
What?
He's getting on a plane
for the coast in an hour.
Oh, well,
do you want me
to rush and catch him,
because, you know,
I can tell you how
great your book is later.
Oh, no, no, no.
Sit, sit, sit.
C.C. can go.
Maxwell. Oh,
just give me the script.
I'll never get to
the airport in an hour.
That's true, sir.
She needs at least
two people on her broom
to use the express lane.
So, uh, Miss Fine,
you were saying?
Well, I just loved
the lead character.
You know, the rich,
handsome movie producer
tragically widowed
in the prime of his life,
struggling to raise
three children all by himself
Oh, I don't know
how you come up
with this stuff.
I just let my imagination
run wild.
And my favorite
was the over-the-hill
houseboy.
Hmm?
What a riot.
Thinks he should
be king of the castle.
Every time the boss
turns his back,
he's smoking his cigars
and drinking his brandy,
mumbling something
under his breath.
Probably make another million.
Like he needs it.
Well, now that they're gone,
can we talk about the producer
and that sexy,
gorgeous governess
he's got prancing around
in those short skirts.
Oh, I'll tell you,
they've got so much...
(GRUNTING)
...between them.
You like that, huh?
Oh, baby.
And that wedding night
after all those years
of sexual tension.
(EXCLAIMING)
Miss Fine,
they don't get married.
Well,
I'm just telling you
what the public wants.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Wait a minute.
Is this fat free, sugar-free
and artificially sweetened?
No. But I used
an eight-inch pan
instead of a ten.
Close enough.
Spit that out.
She's like one of those
dope-sniffing dogs.
Fran, this is how
you spend your day,
standing around
the kitchen eating cake?
Thank you.
Fran,
you're probably wondering
why I'm acting so strange.
Ma, you've been
here for two seconds.
You yelled, you ate.
The only thing strange is that
you haven't showed me
a wedding announcement
from a girl I went
to high school with.
It's in my purse.
Meanwhile,
Cousin Susan's kid
is getting circumcised,
and she wants me
to throw the bris party.
Well, you're the one
that wanted to have
the apartment
professionally decorated.
Fran, it's too much for me.
I'm just gonna tell them
I'm having a hysterectomy.
You've already had four.
Don't you think someone's
gonna get wise?
I only said that
to your father's side.
Meanwhile, four times,
not one card.
Oh, why don't you
just tell them the truth,
that it's too much for you?
What are they gonna do?
Never invite me
to their place
in Florida again.
I'll have to spend
all my winters here.
Oh, Ma, we better look alive.
Now, the first thing
we got to do
is find ourselves a Mohel.
Well, there's a doozy
right there.
Not a mole. A Mohel.
That's the person
that performs
the circumcision.
That's chocolate.
Thank you.
Fran, tell that little stain
that if he doesn't quit
filming me,
he'll be able to turn
that thing off
by pressing his navel.
Oh, yeah,
like you're gonna
shove it down my throat.
Guess again.
B, why don't you do
something constructive
with yourself?
Because I've got a trust fund
that kicks in at 18,
and everything between
now and then is all filler.
That's terrible.
You should be thinking
about college, career,
what retirement condo
you're gonna buy
for your nanny in Boca.
Hey, if someone
got me some milk,
it could happen.
B, you're gonna make something
out of yourself, mister.
Now you love
that camera so much?
There you go.
Why don't you
become a director?
You can move to Hollywood.
Hey, I'm not married to Boca.
I wouldn't mind living
in Beverly Hills.
You know, I'm three hours
younger there.
Oh, Ma, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we hire B
to take the videotape
of the bris?
You're going to trust
an event like this
to the boy?
Yes, I trust him completely.
He's a very mature,
responsible young man,
and I think this would be
a great experience for him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Fran, my future
freeloading in Florida
depends on this party.
There is no way
that I am going to...
He'll do it for a 10.
You're hired.
Sweetheart, I don't like
to be filmed when I'm eating.
Which is why
there's more footage
of Bigfoot than her.
Ma, would you calm down?
I'm on my way.
Oh, well, if you want
an honest answer, yes.
I think
serving miniature franks
at a bris is tasteless, okay?
Miss--Miss Fine,
do you really think
you should wear that?
You don't want to distract
the man doing the deed.
Oh, he's only
got his mind
on one thing.
Do you guys want to come?
(MUMBLING) No.
Brighton, come on!
Oh, he's upstairs in my closet
trying on ties.
He wanted to look
right for his first job.
Oh, well, trust me,
nobody in my family
is gonna look at him twice
unless he's wrapped
in smoked turkey
with a toothpick
shoved through him.
You know, Miss Fine,
I'm very impressed
with the way you've gotten
Brighton off his duff
and pushed him into this.
Well, you know,
this is what I do.
I mean, I've been at it
for years.
I thought this was
your first nanny job.
What nanny?
I'm talking about
being a yenta.
I mean, do I have
great instincts or what?
You're the best.
And I do know
when it's the right time
to give a guy a little push.
You're amazing.
So then, I was right
to send your book
to a publisher?
You're fired.
Miss Fine,
you knew perfectly well
I didn't want anyone
to see that book.
Well, then,
why did you let me read it?
Well, because I value your...
I didn't ask you to read it.
Will you just calm down?
You're beginning to
pulsate over there.
You're very talented.
If I didn't push myself,
I wouldn't have a mansion,
a butler, and a limousine.
Miss Fine,
you don't have those things.
Look, I like to see
the glass half-full.
Do you mind?
The bottom line is
the book's great,
and you're a great writer.
(STAMMERING)
Well, I suppose
there can't be any harm
in sending it to one publisher.
One, 12.
The point being,
I was right about Brighton,
and I'm right about you.
Brighton, come on!
We're gonna be late
for the bris. Chop, chop!
FRAN: Gorgeous boy.
Beautiful boy.
Handsome boy.
Oh, is that the ugliest baby
you have ever seen
in your life?
Please. I had
to come in here
so I could eat.
If they were ever making
a Mr. Gefilte Fish Head,
that's the model.
So, what do you think
of my boy?
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Meanwhile,
everything is just delicious.
What is this?
Cost Club mustard?
How dare you?
Ma, it is Cost Club mustard.
But I put it
in a Gray Poupon jar.
How the hell did she know?
What is she, a mustard tester?
I owe you? You owe me.
1965, Fiddler on the Roof.
I paid for the parking.
You remember that?
Who took three sips
of my Coke?
Franny.
Yeah?
You let someone bring
a mangy pet in here?
It's very unsanitary
for the baby.
Yetta, that is the baby.
I guess I shouldn't
have given him that
meatball that...
That fell on the floor?
Ma, don't you think
we should get this show
on the road already?
Morty, we're not
waiting for halftime.
Get out here!
Okay, B, we're about
to get started.
What are you doing?
BRIGHTON:
I'm shooting the bris.
FRAN: That's brisket.
Don't you know what a bris is?
No.
Oh, well,
fasten your lens cap.
You're about to find out.
Shoot the baby.
All right.
I'm just here to
do whatever you...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You don't look so good.
B, are you okay?
BRIGHTON:
I don't really think so.
B, B, are you okay?
Get up.
You're gonna miss it.
There's no "Take two" in this.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Miss Fine, the bris
was a week ago.
The baby's gotten over it.
I should think you could.
Oh, but Brighton is humiliated.
My mother is barred from Boca.
None of the family
is speaking to me.
Well,
there's the silver lining.
Oh, B.
B, please, cheer up.
Nobody cares that
you didn't tape the bris.
Your cousin Susan spit on me.
Well, that's a Jewish blessing.
Why do you think
we have plastic
on the furniture?
Just be glad Yetta
didn't bless you,
'cause when
her teeth shoot out,
you can lose an eye.
Oh, Niles, God,
I--I thought it was
such a great idea.
You know, I think
the old instincts
are just gone.
Watch.
The next thing I'll hear,
Mr. Sheffield's book
isn't in any good.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine!
I guess the old instincts
are back.
Niles, have you seen Miss Fine?
Um, sorry, sir.
I think she's gone out.
Oh, what a shame,
because here I am
standing with
Barbra Streisand...
I love you!
I love you!
What is the one thing
I asked you
never to joke about?
Nice work, Miss Fine.
My book was rejected.
They hated it.
Oh, I'm sure
you're exaggerating.
They couldn't have hated it.
"We hate it."
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm making mistakes
left and right.
I've lost my powers.
Oh, no.
I'm like Aunt Clara
on Bewitched.
Fran, did you send
my videotape of the bris
to America's Wackiest
Home Videos?
I quit. That's it.
I'm not fit to
raise children
any more.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know anything
any more.
I don't know anything.
Well, my tape got picked.
I knew it. I knew it.
Well, the best part is
we all get a free trip
to Hollywood.
Oh, do you know
what this means?
You and Ethel
are gonna steal
John Wayne's footprints?
No, no. It means
that my instincts
are back,
and I'm better than ever.
What about this?
Mr. Sheffield,
I'm a nanny.
You hired me
to take care of kids.
You're a grown man.
You want your problems solved,
get a wife.
♪ Out where they say
♪ Let us be gay
♪ I'm going Hollywood
♪ I'm ballyhoo
♪ Greetings to you
♪ I'm going Hollywood
Well, here we are
back at Stage 6 again.
You know, my people
found their way
out of the desert
faster than
you're gonna
find Stage 14.
Can you please ask someone
for directions?
Miss Fine, I have been in
show business my entire life.
I think I can find my way
around a studio.
Okay. Do you want
to write it down
this time?
It's complicated.
You go down there
past Stage 12
and next to it,
what do you know, 13.
And surprise, 14 is after that.
All right.
No need to be so snide.
Really. You know,
he's a big-time producer.
Really?
What do you produce?
Broadway.
Theater? All right.
Move on. Move on.
These things cost
a buck fifty each.
Maybe I should just
catch up with you guys
at Wackiest Videos.
I got to find myself
a bathroom.
Oh, ah, well,
there's one of those
right there.
Yeah, you go
down to wardrobe
and make a right...
Or left?
(SCATTING)
♪ Bonanza
♪ Meanwhile, where do you pee?
♪ Gotta go, gotta go
Gotta really go ♪
We don't want
everyone to panic,
but this could be an epidemic.
Well, maybe we should
move the children.
Pardon me.
WOMAN: Cut! Cut!
Oh, well,
as long as you're stopped.
Oh, Dr. Quinn,
I just love you so much.
I watch you
every Saturday night.
Not that I don't date.
I mean, I can tape it
if someone would ask me out.
Hi, I'm Fran Fine.
I'm Joe Lando.
Excuse me. Excuse me,
please, but we're...
We're-- We're in the middle
of something.
Honey, honey,
you're only married
to him on the show.
When they yell "Cut,"
let it go.
Meanwhile, that coat
is to die for.
Did you get that
over at the mercantile?
Well, that's just
a storefront, a set.
It's...
Everything here is fake.
It's...
Fake.
Oh, even the john
in your clinic over here?
Mmm-hmm.
Fake.
I'm sorry.
It looked real.
Oh, now I know
how Tom Arnold felt.
Excuse me?
Pardon me?
Cute shoes.
Where's everybody going?
Miss Fine,
where have you been?
You missed the entire show.
Oh, I wandered
onto the Dr. Quinn lot.
Say, you know that meeting
that you were gonna have
with Jane Seymour
about that new play?
Mmm-hmm.
Don't bring her to the house.
So, what happened?
Did B win?
Uh, no.
Something called
Meet the Dunson Twins won.
Oh, is Brighton crushed?
No. Meet the Dunson twins.
I love show business.
Oh, another happy ending.
Oh, you know,
a lot of people told me
that I should move here
and get into movies.
Oh, what stopped you?
Talkies.
Oh, Maxwell, you're home.
Very funny.
You know,
he's due back any moment.
So you'd better
get out of his suit.
So the big, nosy butler
just couldn't wait to
read Maxwell's book.
How pathetic.
For your information,
this is not his book.
It's chapters one through five.
I've got six through ten.
Oh, I'll trade you,
trade you.
Okay.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you're home.
Oh, right.
Like I'm gonna fall for that?
(EXCLAIMING) I'm reading
Maxwell's stupid book.
C.C.
And it's great. It's good.
I tried to stop her, sir.
Look, I ripped half of it
out of her hand.
Oh, I'm so glad to be home.
But I'll tell you,
I'm gonna miss
that room service.
Niles, could you
make me some hot tea
and turn down my bed?
I can't wait to show my class
the pretzels that Joey Lawrence
(SQUEALING) left on the plane.
Joey Lawrence
wasn't on the plane.
Neither was my class.
(EXCLAIMING)
I--I don't believe it.
What? What?
Someone's going
to publish my book.
(EXCLAIMING) Now you see,
I knew you had talent.
I hope you never doubt
yourself again.
Well, I must say, Miss Fine,
this is a little thrilling.
I, uh...
I suppose I do
owe you a bit of an apology.
Oh, please, please,
all I'm happy about
is that everyone knows
how good you are.
Miss Fine?
Yeah?
(SHUSHING)
How much are you paying
to have his book published?
$2,500.
Where are you getting
the money?
I thought I'd ask you for it.
Old instincts are gone again.
Miss Fine,
what if he finds out?
Oh, trust me,
he's never gonna find out.
What? They enclosed
a bill with the letter?
Miss Fine!
you won't let me read
your first novel.
I've never been
so insulted in my life.
You've never been so insulted?
Well, now, I'm insulted.
C.C., my writing
is very personal to me.
Look, if it makes you
feel any better,
I can assure you
no one has read it,
and no one ever will.
Here's your book,
Mr. Sheffield.
I got a little Slim-Fast
on page nine.
Miss Fine,
this manuscript
was in a folder
marked "Personal"
in a file marked "Private"
hidden in my desk drawer.
Oh, I get you.
I get you.
You don't want
certain people
reading it.
Miss Fine, that included you.
You're kidding?
Well, if you didn't want
anybody reading it,
you should have put it
in your secret wall safe.
You want me to
open it up for you?
Get out.
All right. Okay.
But I'm telling you,
this man is gifted.
Come back.
You really think so?
Oh, I was so engrossed in it.
Now, remember that script
you asked me
to hand-deliver
to Mandy Patinkin
before 12:00,
or he was gonna
pass on your new play?
Didn't do it.
What?
He's getting on a plane
for the coast in an hour.
Oh, well,
do you want me
to rush and catch him,
because, you know,
I can tell you how
great your book is later.
Oh, no, no, no.
Sit, sit, sit.
C.C. can go.
Maxwell. Oh,
just give me the script.
I'll never get to
the airport in an hour.
That's true, sir.
She needs at least
two people on her broom
to use the express lane.
So, uh, Miss Fine,
you were saying?
Well, I just loved
the lead character.
You know, the rich,
handsome movie producer
tragically widowed
in the prime of his life,
struggling to raise
three children all by himself
Oh, I don't know
how you come up
with this stuff.
I just let my imagination
run wild.
And my favorite
was the over-the-hill
houseboy.
Hmm?
What a riot.
Thinks he should
be king of the castle.
Every time the boss
turns his back,
he's smoking his cigars
and drinking his brandy,
mumbling something
under his breath.
Probably make another million.
Like he needs it.
Well, now that they're gone,
can we talk about the producer
and that sexy,
gorgeous governess
he's got prancing around
in those short skirts.
Oh, I'll tell you,
they've got so much...
(GRUNTING)
...between them.
You like that, huh?
Oh, baby.
And that wedding night
after all those years
of sexual tension.
(EXCLAIMING)
Miss Fine,
they don't get married.
Well,
I'm just telling you
what the public wants.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Wait a minute.
Is this fat free, sugar-free
and artificially sweetened?
No. But I used
an eight-inch pan
instead of a ten.
Close enough.
Spit that out.
She's like one of those
dope-sniffing dogs.
Fran, this is how
you spend your day,
standing around
the kitchen eating cake?
Thank you.
Fran,
you're probably wondering
why I'm acting so strange.
Ma, you've been
here for two seconds.
You yelled, you ate.
The only thing strange is that
you haven't showed me
a wedding announcement
from a girl I went
to high school with.
It's in my purse.
Meanwhile,
Cousin Susan's kid
is getting circumcised,
and she wants me
to throw the bris party.
Well, you're the one
that wanted to have
the apartment
professionally decorated.
Fran, it's too much for me.
I'm just gonna tell them
I'm having a hysterectomy.
You've already had four.
Don't you think someone's
gonna get wise?
I only said that
to your father's side.
Meanwhile, four times,
not one card.
Oh, why don't you
just tell them the truth,
that it's too much for you?
What are they gonna do?
Never invite me
to their place
in Florida again.
I'll have to spend
all my winters here.
Oh, Ma, we better look alive.
Now, the first thing
we got to do
is find ourselves a Mohel.
Well, there's a doozy
right there.
Not a mole. A Mohel.
That's the person
that performs
the circumcision.
That's chocolate.
Thank you.
Fran, tell that little stain
that if he doesn't quit
filming me,
he'll be able to turn
that thing off
by pressing his navel.
Oh, yeah,
like you're gonna
shove it down my throat.
Guess again.
B, why don't you do
something constructive
with yourself?
Because I've got a trust fund
that kicks in at 18,
and everything between
now and then is all filler.
That's terrible.
You should be thinking
about college, career,
what retirement condo
you're gonna buy
for your nanny in Boca.
Hey, if someone
got me some milk,
it could happen.
B, you're gonna make something
out of yourself, mister.
Now you love
that camera so much?
There you go.
Why don't you
become a director?
You can move to Hollywood.
Hey, I'm not married to Boca.
I wouldn't mind living
in Beverly Hills.
You know, I'm three hours
younger there.
Oh, Ma, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we hire B
to take the videotape
of the bris?
You're going to trust
an event like this
to the boy?
Yes, I trust him completely.
He's a very mature,
responsible young man,
and I think this would be
a great experience for him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Fran, my future
freeloading in Florida
depends on this party.
There is no way
that I am going to...
He'll do it for a 10.
You're hired.
Sweetheart, I don't like
to be filmed when I'm eating.
Which is why
there's more footage
of Bigfoot than her.
Ma, would you calm down?
I'm on my way.
Oh, well, if you want
an honest answer, yes.
I think
serving miniature franks
at a bris is tasteless, okay?
Miss--Miss Fine,
do you really think
you should wear that?
You don't want to distract
the man doing the deed.
Oh, he's only
got his mind
on one thing.
Do you guys want to come?
(MUMBLING) No.
Brighton, come on!
Oh, he's upstairs in my closet
trying on ties.
He wanted to look
right for his first job.
Oh, well, trust me,
nobody in my family
is gonna look at him twice
unless he's wrapped
in smoked turkey
with a toothpick
shoved through him.
You know, Miss Fine,
I'm very impressed
with the way you've gotten
Brighton off his duff
and pushed him into this.
Well, you know,
this is what I do.
I mean, I've been at it
for years.
I thought this was
your first nanny job.
What nanny?
I'm talking about
being a yenta.
I mean, do I have
great instincts or what?
You're the best.
And I do know
when it's the right time
to give a guy a little push.
You're amazing.
So then, I was right
to send your book
to a publisher?
You're fired.
Miss Fine,
you knew perfectly well
I didn't want anyone
to see that book.
Well, then,
why did you let me read it?
Well, because I value your...
I didn't ask you to read it.
Will you just calm down?
You're beginning to
pulsate over there.
You're very talented.
If I didn't push myself,
I wouldn't have a mansion,
a butler, and a limousine.
Miss Fine,
you don't have those things.
Look, I like to see
the glass half-full.
Do you mind?
The bottom line is
the book's great,
and you're a great writer.
(STAMMERING)
Well, I suppose
there can't be any harm
in sending it to one publisher.
One, 12.
The point being,
I was right about Brighton,
and I'm right about you.
Brighton, come on!
We're gonna be late
for the bris. Chop, chop!
FRAN: Gorgeous boy.
Beautiful boy.
Handsome boy.
Oh, is that the ugliest baby
you have ever seen
in your life?
Please. I had
to come in here
so I could eat.
If they were ever making
a Mr. Gefilte Fish Head,
that's the model.
So, what do you think
of my boy?
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Meanwhile,
everything is just delicious.
What is this?
Cost Club mustard?
How dare you?
Ma, it is Cost Club mustard.
But I put it
in a Gray Poupon jar.
How the hell did she know?
What is she, a mustard tester?
I owe you? You owe me.
1965, Fiddler on the Roof.
I paid for the parking.
You remember that?
Who took three sips
of my Coke?
Franny.
Yeah?
You let someone bring
a mangy pet in here?
It's very unsanitary
for the baby.
Yetta, that is the baby.
I guess I shouldn't
have given him that
meatball that...
That fell on the floor?
Ma, don't you think
we should get this show
on the road already?
Morty, we're not
waiting for halftime.
Get out here!
Okay, B, we're about
to get started.
What are you doing?
BRIGHTON:
I'm shooting the bris.
FRAN: That's brisket.
Don't you know what a bris is?
No.
Oh, well,
fasten your lens cap.
You're about to find out.
Shoot the baby.
All right.
I'm just here to
do whatever you...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You don't look so good.
B, are you okay?
BRIGHTON:
I don't really think so.
B, B, are you okay?
Get up.
You're gonna miss it.
There's no "Take two" in this.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Miss Fine, the bris
was a week ago.
The baby's gotten over it.
I should think you could.
Oh, but Brighton is humiliated.
My mother is barred from Boca.
None of the family
is speaking to me.
Well,
there's the silver lining.
Oh, B.
B, please, cheer up.
Nobody cares that
you didn't tape the bris.
Your cousin Susan spit on me.
Well, that's a Jewish blessing.
Why do you think
we have plastic
on the furniture?
Just be glad Yetta
didn't bless you,
'cause when
her teeth shoot out,
you can lose an eye.
Oh, Niles, God,
I--I thought it was
such a great idea.
You know, I think
the old instincts
are just gone.
Watch.
The next thing I'll hear,
Mr. Sheffield's book
isn't in any good.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine!
I guess the old instincts
are back.
Niles, have you seen Miss Fine?
Um, sorry, sir.
I think she's gone out.
Oh, what a shame,
because here I am
standing with
Barbra Streisand...
I love you!
I love you!
What is the one thing
I asked you
never to joke about?
Nice work, Miss Fine.
My book was rejected.
They hated it.
Oh, I'm sure
you're exaggerating.
They couldn't have hated it.
"We hate it."
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm making mistakes
left and right.
I've lost my powers.
Oh, no.
I'm like Aunt Clara
on Bewitched.
Fran, did you send
my videotape of the bris
to America's Wackiest
Home Videos?
I quit. That's it.
I'm not fit to
raise children
any more.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know anything
any more.
I don't know anything.
Well, my tape got picked.
I knew it. I knew it.
Well, the best part is
we all get a free trip
to Hollywood.
Oh, do you know
what this means?
You and Ethel
are gonna steal
John Wayne's footprints?
No, no. It means
that my instincts
are back,
and I'm better than ever.
What about this?
Mr. Sheffield,
I'm a nanny.
You hired me
to take care of kids.
You're a grown man.
You want your problems solved,
get a wife.
♪ Out where they say
♪ Let us be gay
♪ I'm going Hollywood
♪ I'm ballyhoo
♪ Greetings to you
♪ I'm going Hollywood
Well, here we are
back at Stage 6 again.
You know, my people
found their way
out of the desert
faster than
you're gonna
find Stage 14.
Can you please ask someone
for directions?
Miss Fine, I have been in
show business my entire life.
I think I can find my way
around a studio.
Okay. Do you want
to write it down
this time?
It's complicated.
You go down there
past Stage 12
and next to it,
what do you know, 13.
And surprise, 14 is after that.
All right.
No need to be so snide.
Really. You know,
he's a big-time producer.
Really?
What do you produce?
Broadway.
Theater? All right.
Move on. Move on.
These things cost
a buck fifty each.
Maybe I should just
catch up with you guys
at Wackiest Videos.
I got to find myself
a bathroom.
Oh, ah, well,
there's one of those
right there.
Yeah, you go
down to wardrobe
and make a right...
Or left?
(SCATTING)
♪ Bonanza
♪ Meanwhile, where do you pee?
♪ Gotta go, gotta go
Gotta really go ♪
We don't want
everyone to panic,
but this could be an epidemic.
Well, maybe we should
move the children.
Pardon me.
WOMAN: Cut! Cut!
Oh, well,
as long as you're stopped.
Oh, Dr. Quinn,
I just love you so much.
I watch you
every Saturday night.
Not that I don't date.
I mean, I can tape it
if someone would ask me out.
Hi, I'm Fran Fine.
I'm Joe Lando.
Excuse me. Excuse me,
please, but we're...
We're-- We're in the middle
of something.
Honey, honey,
you're only married
to him on the show.
When they yell "Cut,"
let it go.
Meanwhile, that coat
is to die for.
Did you get that
over at the mercantile?
Well, that's just
a storefront, a set.
It's...
Everything here is fake.
It's...
Fake.
Oh, even the john
in your clinic over here?
Mmm-hmm.
Fake.
I'm sorry.
It looked real.
Oh, now I know
how Tom Arnold felt.
Excuse me?
Pardon me?
Cute shoes.
Where's everybody going?
Miss Fine,
where have you been?
You missed the entire show.
Oh, I wandered
onto the Dr. Quinn lot.
Say, you know that meeting
that you were gonna have
with Jane Seymour
about that new play?
Mmm-hmm.
Don't bring her to the house.
So, what happened?
Did B win?
Uh, no.
Something called
Meet the Dunson Twins won.
Oh, is Brighton crushed?
No. Meet the Dunson twins.
I love show business.
Oh, another happy ending.
Oh, you know,
a lot of people told me
that I should move here
and get into movies.
Oh, what stopped you?
Talkies.
Oh, Maxwell, you're home.
Very funny.
You know,
he's due back any moment.
So you'd better
get out of his suit.
So the big, nosy butler
just couldn't wait to
read Maxwell's book.
How pathetic.
For your information,
this is not his book.
It's chapters one through five.
I've got six through ten.
Oh, I'll trade you,
trade you.
Okay.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you're home.
Oh, right.
Like I'm gonna fall for that?
(EXCLAIMING) I'm reading
Maxwell's stupid book.
C.C.
And it's great. It's good.
I tried to stop her, sir.
Look, I ripped half of it
out of her hand.
Oh, I'm so glad to be home.
But I'll tell you,
I'm gonna miss
that room service.
Niles, could you
make me some hot tea
and turn down my bed?
I can't wait to show my class
the pretzels that Joey Lawrence
(SQUEALING) left on the plane.
Joey Lawrence
wasn't on the plane.
Neither was my class.
(EXCLAIMING)
I--I don't believe it.
What? What?
Someone's going
to publish my book.
(EXCLAIMING) Now you see,
I knew you had talent.
I hope you never doubt
yourself again.
Well, I must say, Miss Fine,
this is a little thrilling.
I, uh...
I suppose I do
owe you a bit of an apology.
Oh, please, please,
all I'm happy about
is that everyone knows
how good you are.
Miss Fine?
Yeah?
(SHUSHING)
How much are you paying
to have his book published?
$2,500.
Where are you getting
the money?
I thought I'd ask you for it.
Old instincts are gone again.
Miss Fine,
what if he finds out?
Oh, trust me,
he's never gonna find out.
What? They enclosed
a bill with the letter?
Miss Fine!