The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 10 - Having His Baby - full transcript

Miss Fine,
some mail came for you.

A male? Well, who is he?

What does he look like?
Did you let him get away?

Miss Fine, this kind of mail.

Oh, well, I know him.

Bill.

Look at this,
something from Danny.

Oh, my ex-fiance's baby
was born.

Oh.
Look at that head of hair.

Oh, my God, it's not his head.

Well, at least Danny
can be sure it's his.



Oh, Niles,
you ever think about
having a kid of your own,

someone that you could
take care of,

put to bed at night,

rub Vicks on his
little chest
when he's sick?

I already have one.

Isn't he adorable?

(SIGHING)

Miss Fine,
are you all right?
Oh, yeah.

I just thought that
by this age I'd have
a child of my own.

And maybe if I hadn't
dumped Danny,

this little Chia Pet
could have been mine.

Miss Fine, you still
have plenty of time
to have children.

Meanwhile,
there's an expiration date

stamped on my eggs,



"Best if used
before you start
looking like your mother."

You know,
he's really not so bad.

A lot of women like hairy men.

What's his name?

Let me see.

Uh-oh. Judy.

♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens

♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out

♪ in one of those
crushing scenes

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?

♪ She was out on her fanny

♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door

♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more

♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!

♪ That's how
she became the nanny!

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling

♪ Watch out, C.C.!

♪ And the kids
are actually smiling

♪ Such joie de vivre!

♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing

♪ The nanny named Fran!

Oh, Niles,
look at this
little grooming set

that I put together
for Danny's baby.

It's got a little comb
and a little brush
and an Epilady junior.

Oh, I'm just so jealous.

You know, Miss Fine,
I can't see why

this picture makes you
yearn for a child.

I could see a Lhasa apso.

Oh, stop, stop.
It's not nice.

Miss Fine, I don't think
I tell you often enough

what a wonderful job
you're doing.

So, I've got a little
gift certificate here
from Saks.

I want you to
take the afternoon off
and have a shopping spree.

Somebody famous
coming over this afternoon?
Uh-huh.

Trying to get rid of me?
Desperately.

Oh, are you
still upset about that
Charlton Heston thing?

I mean, so I went
for a lock of his hair.

How was I to know
the whole thing
would come off?

Please, Miss Fine.

It doesn't matter.
I'm very busy today.

I have to go buy my mother
a birthday present,

take Brighton
to the orthodontist,
get tights for Gracie,

visit Grandma Yetta
at the home.
Good.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

All of which I can do after
I meet the famous person.

Oh, my God!

It's Monica Baker,
the movie star.

I just love you.

Well, then we have
a lot in common.

I have followed
your entire career.

Your affair with
the Baldwin brothers,

the Bridges,

and oh, I almost left out
the Sheen brothers.

I wish I had.

Fran,
I'm asking Alison to
the Thanksgiving Day parade.

Does "Eat dirt and die"
mean no?

Oh, give me the phone.

Hi, Alison. Yeah.

I hear you're going
to the parade with Brad Pitt.

No?

Well,
how about Johnny Depp? No?

Well, honey,
aren't you just being
a little too cocky?

Uh-huh.

She's desperate.
She'll go out
with anyone.

I love you.
I love you more.

Did I mention that
I'm a famous movie star

just standing here like a lump?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Come this way.

Cute son.

Oh, he's not my kid.
I'm the nanny.

If he were my son,
he'd have big hair

and be a lifetime member
of Weight Watchers.

I just left my baby,
Zack, with his nanny.

Oh, everybody has a baby.

Look,
my ex-boyfriend Danny
and his wife just had one.

She's not breastfeeding,
though.

The kid's on
a low silicone diet.

Oh, isn't it dangerous
to have that puppy
right on top of the baby?

I know. As much
as I wanna have a kid,

something tells me
I was better off

not dipping into
that gene pool.

I went to a sperm bank.
Wow!

Husbands just
get in the way
of dating, big time.

Oh. No.

I don't feel that way.

I want to marry a guy,
get pregnant,

and have someone
to blame for making me

swell and vomit
for nine months.

Well, I thought so, too,

but I decided that
I wanted to have a baby

before I started
looking like my mother.

Uh, about this sperm bank,
do they have an express line?

Well, it's really quite simple.

For a donor,
I chose a rugged outdoorsman

with a passion
for dirt biking
and fixing cars.

Oh, do they have
any Jewish guys?

Fran, are you sure
this is how
the pilgrims dressed?

Oh, honey,

I didn't get enough material.

So, they'll call her
the mayflower madam.

Look at you,
sewing kids' costumes.

Oh, you're gonna make
such a good mother.

Oh, thank you.

What do you think, baby?
Am I gonna be a good mommy?

Sure. It's easy.

"Darling,
my happiness
isn't important,

"but would it kill you
to give me

"one grandchild before I die?

"Morty, put the seat down!
I almost fell in!"

Oh, my God.

That's the last time
I let Ma baby-sit for her.

Fran,
you know that
I will support

whatever you decide,

but don't you think
people would be
a little shocked

if you just showed up pregnant?

Yeah.
They'd think
I had a date.

You know, Val,
to tell you the truth,

I don't really care
what people think any more.

I mean, I know that
I want to have a kid,

and I don't know
if I'm ever gonna
meet Mr. Right.

Yeah,
but artificial insemination?

Well, that's how I got here,
'cause I know my parents
have never...

Look,
I can't tell you what to do.

Your body's your own.

You got that right.
'Cause if anybody
else was using it,

I wouldn't have to
order take-out.

What do you think, Niles?
Hmm?

Should I have a baby?

Miss Fine, pregnant.

I'm not sure
the world is ready
for you in a muumuu.

Oh, hey,
this mama ain't
wearing no muumuu.

When that kid is born,
you're gonna be able to read

"Donna Karan Control Top"
across his little forehead.

You know, Fran,
this isn't gonna be easy.

There's gonna be
a lot of pain and suffering
and possible embarrassment.

Oh, you guys going
to another singles bar?

No!
No!

I'm talking about the delivery.

I mean,
how do they manage to yank

a whole little human being
out of you?

(GRUNTING)

Well, it doesn't
have to be so bad.

I mean, if you get somebody
that's gentle and sensitive.
Yeah.

Oh, come on,
get out of there.
Just get...

This is such
a weird location
for a sperm bank,

right in the middle
of a shopping mall?

Oh, well,
it used to be a, uh,
Siemen's Furniture Showroom.

So they only had to
change half the sign.

If you'd like to see profiles

of the gentlemen
who've contributed,

here's our donor menu.

(GASPING)
Oh, look at the selection.

Wow!

Boy, is everyone in the menu,

or do you have, like,
a catch of the day?

Look at Number 64.

But he's got a weight problem,

gastrointestinal abnormalities,

and a mother
who's certifiably insane.

Right.
Well, I want him
to fit in the family.

Do you see anything you like?

Hmm. Number 41 looks okay.

But, you know,
I really need
another second.

I mean,
it takes me
a half an hour

just to order
from the Der Wienerschnitzel.

No pun intended!

Maybe you'd like
to take this home?

Oh, you know, you're right.

It's a big decision.

Come on, Val.
We'll go to
Hickory Farms

next door and fill up
on samples.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Val, are you
as embarrassed as I...
Val?

I just can't understand

why we're not
as productive as
we were last year.

Profits are down,
ticket sales are down.

But some figures
are increasing.

Listen, Hazel...

Oh, don't you have
something to dust off?

How about the left side
of your bed?

I'll tell you why
we're not as productive.

Because the two of you
never shut up.

You don't have to
get nasty about it.
Well, excuse me for living.

Hi.

Knock. Knock. Mr. Sheffield,
can I talk to you a minute?

Actually,
I don't have the time.

You know,
I've always thought of you

as more than
just an employer...

Miss Fine, I'm working.

You know,
we're kind of like friends.
Very busy.

Oh, why don't I just
cut to the chase?

What would you say
if I told you

I wanted to have a baby?

Niles, hold my calls.

NILES: Why?

Mind your own bloody business.
It's private.

Sorry, sir.

So, go on, Miss Fine.

Now, we can hear them,
but they can't hear us.

Oh, maybe it's this one.

C.C.: No, no, no.
It's that one, you jackass.

It's the red one.

All right.
So, why do you suddenly

want to have a baby?

I mean,
where did this come from?

Oh, I've been thinking
about this ever since

Samantha had Tabitha
on Bewitched.

You know,
I don't know why Darrin
never let her use her powers.

What? It was better
sucking up to Larry Tate
for a raise?

I was always with
Endora on that one.

Miss Fine, how are you
gonna have a baby
without a man?

Mr. Sheffield,
it's the '90s.

If they can grow a human ear
on the back of a mouse,
I can have a baby.

All I need is a donor.

A... A donor?

You mean, someone that's
just gonna give you...

The fruit of his looms.

Well, who exactly
do you have in mind?

Oh, I've picked
the perfect guy,

41. Tall, dark,
handsome, creative,

with a big head of hair.

So, what do you think?

Oh, well, uh, this is...

This is a big decision.

I'm, uh, gonna have to
give this some thought.

Well, I'm glad that
you're taking it seriously

because, you know,

I really value your input.

Oh, my God!
What am I gonna do?

What do you think, Niles?

Couldn't hear you, sir.
Leaf blowing.

Perhaps it'd work better
if you switched it on.

(WHIRRING)

MAXWELL: Niles.

Help me.

Oh, darn it, man,
just get in here.

Don't do that, sir.

Don't we have enough
scary things roaming
around in the corridors?

Look, it seems
Miss Fine is determined

to go through
with this baby thing.

I'm afraid she's gonna
ask me to, uh, assist.

Well, what makes you
so sure she wants you?

Oh, come on, man,
she practically
spelled it out.

She wants someone tall,
handsome, creative.

Did she also
mention cocky, vain,

couldn't get
the laundry in the hamper
if his life depended on it?

No.
Then what are you
worried about?

I'm telling you, she wants me.

She wants me real bad.

Niles, I'm gonna
need your help in this.

All right.
But there better be
a damn big Christmas bonus

in my stocking.

All right.
Now, let's not panic.

All she needs
is someone to sit her down

and talk to her
calmly and rationally.

I'll kill her.

How could my own daughter
not tell me

that I am gonna be
an illegitimate grandmother?

(SOBBING)

I know. I know.

Can I get you anything?

No. Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe lunch.

No fish!

Sylvia, I--I didn't
mean to alarm you.

I just thought you should know.

The girl is a nut.
She's totally lost
her mind.

Who did she pick
to father this kid?

I believe it's me.

You could do a lot worse.

Ma? What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just
in the neighborhood
catching up on the news,

like my unmarried daughter's
gonna have a baby.

Ma, I can't plan my life
around a husband.

It may never happen.

Well, I'm dead now.
Do what you want.

Sylvia.

Do you know
what it's like for a child
to grow up without a father?

Yeah, Ma.
I haven't seen Daddy

since Flushing
got wired for cable.

He loves the Spice Channel.

And I'll tell you,
he has learnt a few things.

Sylvia.
Ma.

Oh, fine, have a baby.

Do you know
how long it takes
to get your figure back?

I don't know, Ma.
32 years?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Darling, you don't know
what it's like to take care
of a little one.

You are used to
three grown kids

who don't even
need you any more.

Ma, lay off. Get it?

As in lay off
the unneeded nanny.

They would be lost without her.

(GASPS)
Oh, my God.
It's Monica Baker.

I can't tell you
how many people
meet me on the street

and swear that I am you.

Ma, that's Tammy Faye Bakker.

Sit down. Sit down.

Monica,
we're having brunch
with the Schuberts.

Why do you have
your child with you?

My nanny is sick.

And I couldn't just leave him.

My poor little baby.

Well, if you want,
I'd be happy to...
Okay.

Hi.

Mommy loves you.

But the public loves Mommy.

So she has to go.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, are we gonna have a ball.

Of course, some people here

don't think that I can
take care of a little kid.

You like Spaghettios?

You know what? I'm full.

Here you go.
Don't drink and drive, honey.

(TV PLAYING)

(SIGHING)

Cootchie-cootchie-coo.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)
♪ Rock-a-bye baby
on the treetop

♪ When the wind blows
the cradle will rock

♪ When the bough breaks
the cradle will fall

♪ And down will come
baby cradle and all ♪

Oh, I guess you just
want to sleep, huh?

All right.
Good night, little fellow.

(EXCLAIMING)

You don't want me to go?

Well, I can sit here
and cuddle with you.

Okay.

(SHUSHING)

Let's go to sleep.

♪ Lullaby

(SCREAMING)

Sorry.

Here you go.
Thanks again, Fran.

I hope he wasn't
too much trouble.

Oh, no, not at all.

Bye, Zacky.
Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, isn't he cute?

You should have
seen him driving around

in his little car
all over the house.

Oh, by the way,
you know that ceramic vase

that's in the hallway?

Oh, you mean the Picasso.

Oh, isn't he cute?

You know, you look good
with a baby, Miss Fine.

Oh, thanks.

Well, you should
hire me as your nanny.

Pay me 500 bucks a week,
and I'll quit my old job.

I'll tell you,
this was the greatest
day of my life.

Do you know that
I taught him a new word?

Entenmann's.

So I suppose
your mind is made up
about having a child?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I'm definitely
not gonna have one
right now.

What?

Yeah. You know,
when I put little
Zacky to sleep,

and he was lying there
looking so precious,

I looked around,
and there was no one
to share it with.

I know what you mean,
Miss Fine.

Well, I'll tell you,
I admire women that
do it on their own.

But at the end of the day,
I want his daddy to come home

so I can put the baby
in his arms and say,

"Here, your turn.
I'm playing Mah Jongg."

Well, I must say I am relieved.

Why? What have you
got to do with it?

Well, I, uh, you know...

You were gonna ask me to...

Wait a minute.

Do you think that
I was gonna ask you
to be the father?

I most certainly did not.

And you could do worse.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

are your feelings hurt
that I wasn't gonna ask you?

No.

Come on, you're my boss.
I'm your nanny.

What were you gonna do?
Pay me to take care
of our kid?

Wait a minute.
This could work out.

No, no.
It would be too weird.

You know,
if you want to have a baby
with me, Maxwell Sheffield,

you're just
gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.

Marry you?

Yeah, that, too.