The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 9 - Personal Business - full transcript
Maxwell and C.C. are trying to find a leading man for their next show. They decide on Brock Storm, the not too bright but handsome star of the soap opera One Day After Another. Fran is excited at the prospect of meeting Brock. She may have more than just a meeting as Brock agrees to do their production with the stipulation that Fran is part of the package. Maxwell thinks that pimping Fran (to use Niles' vernacular) is reprehensible, but C.C. convinces him that they would be doing Fran a favor as she is Brock's biggest fan, or at least the biggest fan of Dr. River Shane, the character he plays on the soap opera. Fran imagines that Brock is in real life just like Dr. Shane. Maxwell ultimately agrees to the arrangement, but is still worried for what Brock and Fran will end up doing as well as for what he considers a compromise of his own personal morals. Fran is thrilled, even after she finds out that she is just a pawn in the negotiations. Fran quickly finds out on their date that Brock is nothing like Dr. River Shane, but is a vain self-absorbed cad. Maxwell is somewhat relieved that Fran was able to take care of herself, and that nothing out of hand happened. But both Fran and Maxwell realize, despite Maxwell's concerns, that mixing business with pleasure is bound to happen in their collective lives.
Good morning, everyone.
Oh, Miss Fine, another stunning
yet inappropriate
breakfast ensemble.
You like?
They were having a big sale
at Victoria's Secret.
I bought some other stuff too,
but that's my secret.
Did you save the catalog?
You can have it
after I'm through.
Niles.
Well, Mother's Day
is just around the corner.
Uh-huh.
Good morning, everyone.
Miss Fine.
What? It was buy one,
get one free.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Oh, that must be
my return call from
Osaka.
No, it's Eddie. He's
calling
to kiss me good morning.
Well, I've lost my appetite.
Gee, you know,
with all the overseas calls
you make,
I hope you get free mileage
with your long distance.
How delightfully bourgeois.
Bourgeois, with a freebie
to Bermuda.
Thank you, Niles.
Thank you, Niles.
Not so fast, it's for Miss Fine.
Miss Valerie Toriello.
Val is on my business line?
Well, it could be an emergency.
Val, what's the matter?
Who died?
[GASPS]
Danny, my ex, is taking
Heather Biblo to Puerto
Rico.
Miss Fine, nobody cares
about your boyfriend's vacation.
Ex-boyfriend, sir.
And I care deeply.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Oh, Val, I'm getting some
beeps here. Wait a minute.
Oh, that must be Osaka on the
other line. Hang up. Hang up.
Val, it's Japan calling
for Mr. Sheffield.
I gotta hang up.
- Whose water broke in Macy's?
- Just, just...
Give me that.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Val, would you please hang up?
No, I don't get free mileage
on my long distance.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[SIGHS]
Nothing.
You must've lost them.
Me?
Me?
Yes, you.
Couldn't be.
Then who?
Miss Fine, let's just make
one simple rule, can we?
You keep your personal life
out of my business.
So, what you're saying is
if you've got
a business meeting,
I should keep
my personal feelings out of it
and let you go out in that tie.
Let's just review.
Business, personal.
Business, personal.
Let's have none of this.
Now, if you'll excuse
me,
I have business
to attend to.
He's changing his tie.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Daddy, guess where we're going.
Sweetheart,
we're in the middle of work.
Who taught you to barge in
like that?
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Sheffield.
Ah, it's all coming back to me.
Please, I'm on the phone.
Well, I hope it's
nothing personal,
because he'll snap
your head off.
Did you want something?
A, I like your tie,
B, I need some money.
I'm taking Gracie shopping.
It's time I learned
to coordinate my separates.
She's growing up
right before my eyes.
Meanwhile, you're
wearing one Mary Jane
and one saddle shoe.
I dared to be different.
Go change.
Soon she'll be
ready
for the Home
Shopping Network.
So I'm off to go on duty.
You need anything while I'm out?
Yes, a leading man.
Ah, who doesn't? Believe me,
if they sold them
at Labels for Less,
I'd have one on layaway already.
Yes, I'll hold.
Nanny Fine, a synthetic fur.
How very PC of you.
What?
PC, as in politically correct.
Oh, well, actually,
it's JC, as in Penney.
Your outfit is nice too.
Of course, dear. It's an Adolfo.
As in Hitler?
Yes, I'm still here.
So he is interested. Splendid.
Let me run it by Mr. Sheffield.
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
Love you.Ciao.
What a phony.
Well?
You'll never guess
who I've talked into
starring in our new
show,
pending a meeting
with you, of course.
Brock Storm.
Brock Storm?
Never heard of him.
You never heard of Brock Storm?
Yes, we've established that.
He plays Dr. River Shane
onOne Day After Another.
He's on the cover
ofSoap Opera Digest.
I'll leave you my copy
in your bathroom.
Maxwell, I'm telling you,
Brock is big,
and we need a box office draw.
Star's Deli already
names
a sandwich after him:
The Brock-wurst.
Oh, my God. I've eaten him.
He is good.
He is perfect.
He's beyond perfect.
When Trista went
into premature labor
after the plane crash,
despite his two broken arms,
Brock delivered her baby.
How?
With his teeth.
I'm telling you,
he is the most perfect man
in the world.
He's playing a part, Miss Fine.
It's an act,
hence the term "actor."
Oh, no. No one can act
that good.
He is truly sensitive.
When he cries,
snot comes out of his nose.
Oh, the man is gifted.
[SINGING RODGERS
& HAMMERSTEIN'S "OKLAHOMA!"]
♪♪ You're doin'
fine,
Oklahoma ♪♪
♪♪ Oklahoma, O-K-H-L-O-M... ♪♪
No, wait.
Who needs to spell
when you look like
that?
♪♪ Oklaho-ma! ♪♪
Yo!
Oh, that was marvelous.
Bravo.
And so very loud.
You do know I'm meeting
with other producers?
Andy has invited me out
to his place
in Southampton for the weekend.
Andy Lloyd Webber?
Uh-huh.
And there's no spelling
in his show.
Remember, Brock,
there's only one maiden voyage
to Broadway,
so take the
ride
with a
that can guarantee
you
the epitome of style,
taste, and class.
I don't know what I ate
for lunch.
[HICCUPS]
Oh, yeah, quiche.
Would you excuse me a minute?
Miss Fine, we're
still in the middle
of our business meeting.
Oh, is that today?
Oh, gee, if I would've known,
I would have dressed.
Come on, kids. Come on over.
Your father has someone
he wants you to meet.
Uh, Brock,
these are my children,
Brighton, Grace, and Maggie.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
[GIGGLES]
We never should have
let her out of the attic.
And this must be
your gorgeous wife.
No, this is my less-than-subtle
nanny, Miss Fine.
Fran to you, ormon amour.
Whichever.
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.
Frèère Jacques, dormez-vous?
Miss Fine...
A moment.
[WHISPERING]
Yes?
Get out, or I'll hurt you.
Ah.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
Oh, just one last thing.
All the while that you were
selflessly raising your son Eric
while his mother Cherie
was gallivanting
all over Spring Valley,
did you know that he wasn't
your biological child?
Yes, I've always known.
You are a god...and a doctor.
I gotta lie down.
I do apologize,
but I'm sure you must get that...
[GIRLS SCREAM]
Sort of thing all the time.
Yeah. Cool, huh?
So shall I call your agent?
Sure.
I'll need top billing,
big letters,
more money than anyone else...
Oh, yeah...
And the nanny.
[SCOFFS]
Can you believe he wants
my nanny?
Why doesn't he get someone else
to take care of his children?
Maxwell, he doesn't
have any children.
Then what does he want
with my na...?
Oh.
God, this is boring.
Brock hasn't even moved
since the last commercial.
Shh. That's
because
he's in a coma.
Look, he's gonna drool again.
The man is a master
of bodily fluids.
But nothing's happening.
That's because you don't
know how to watch.
See how nurse Judy
is clutching the IV pole?
So she's dizzy.
So she's pregnant,
and Brock's the father.
But I thought he was in a coma.
Plus he's had a vasectomy.
Is that man virile or what?
What's a vasectomy?
Uh, it's
elective
surgery,
honey.
Like when C.C.
went to
Switzerland
and came back
without her
thighs.
Did C.C. have a vasectomy?
Uh, no. No, honey.
I hear she's given a few.
MAXWELL: Niles!
As if I have
nothing better to
do
than be at his beck and call.
As if we were his servants.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. I will not.
I cannot make Miss Fine
part of this deal.
Oh, Maxwell, grow up.
It's unconscionable.
It's morally bankrupt.
It's show biz.
What took you so long?
I fell, sir...
But I think I'm all right now.
I'll walk it off.
Maxwell, darling,
I'm begging you.
We just have to do it.
Well, I find the whole idea
repulsive.
Way to play hard to get, sir.
Niles, get your mind
out of the gutter.
Vacating the gutter, sir.
We're talking about Brock Storm.
He'll only do the show
if I set him up with Miss Fine.
Well, it's not like
she won't be thrilled
with the prospect.
She glommed onto him
like a refrigerator magnet.
Yes, well, that's true enough.
She was rather taken with him.
So actually you'll be
doing her a favor
as opposed to, say, pimping her.
Thank you, Niles.
Always there for you, sir.
Oh. Ooh.
[HOSPITAL SHOW
PLAYS ON TELEVISION]
Oh, I can't believe
how cute all the men
are.
Cute, but so dysfunctional.
A lethal combination, ladies.
Miss Fine, Mr. Sheffield
would like to speak with
you
in his office.
[WHINING]
Oh, what did I do?
If he asks you
anything about my
fall,
just play along.
All right, I'll do it,
but I won't like it.
Where have I heard that before?
Ah, Miss Fine, do come in.
I'm sorry, but who
knew
nail polish remover
would eat off the finish?
What finish?
Nothing.
Miss Fine!
Oh, Maxwell, lighten up.
Sit down, Miss Fine... Fran.
Franela.
Oh, now I'm really scared.
What would you say if I arranged
dinner this evening
for you and Brock Storm?
Wait, is this
a hypothetical question,
or are we wasting time
when I should be putting
the electric rollers in my hair?
Roll away, Miss Fine.
Oh, my God!
A date with Brock Storm.
I can't believe you would
do this for me!
Oh, well, you know...
It's our pleasure.
We just want you
to have a good time,
a very good time.
Not that good a time.
We want her to have a good time.
Have as good a time
as you want, and no more.
Well, I'll just play it by ear.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, thank you, Miss Babcock.
Ooh, that was close.
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Knock, knock. It's Franela.
We missed you.
Uh, would Brock, by any chance,
have the hots for me,
and it would be better
for you and your show
if I went out with him?
Miss Fine, how could you imply...
Shut up, C.C.
Yes, yes. It's true!
We're sacrificing you to Brock
to close
our filthy business deal.
All right.
Uh-oh.
What?
What?
A date with Brock.
Now, wouldn't that be
mixing
business with personal?
You know.
Maxwell, what is this,
and why are you
doing it with
her?
It's just some silly
rule I made.
What say we forget that rule?
Oh, no. Rules are rules.
Rules are made to be broken.
Mmm...I don't know.
Forget the rules.
I hate the rules.
New rule: No rules!
I want you to mix business
with personal.
I want you to call Val
on my business line,
invite her over, have a party.
Here, take my credit card.
Redecorate the house!
All right.
Maxwell, if you don't mind,
I think I'll
handle
the
negotiations
with Brock's agent.
Oh, honey...
the secret to putting on blush
is less is more.
[GIGGLES]
The exact opposite of hairspray.
Oh, isn't it amazing
how our lives are
completely the same?
I mean, you're going out
with the hottest soap star,
and I'm dating Eddie.
It's scary.
Meanwhile, where's my lipstick?
How do I look?
Like my Aunt Shirley
before her cataract surgery.
Here, sweetie.
Fran, can I borrow some perfume?
Oh, sure, help yourself.
Nope, that's my scent.
You take the Charlie.
A few drops strategically placed
on the pulse points.
Here...here...
and one right between the...
eyes.
The eyes?
Yes, the brain
is the sexiest organ.
Right, Val? Where's Val?
Oh, what a walk-in.
If it had a
bathroom,
you could sublet.
Did you smell the padded
potpourri hangers?
Please, I had to
take
an antihistamine.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, come in.
Miss Fine, Mr. Storm's blown in.
VAL: Oh, my God!
I can't believe my best friend's
going out with Brock Storm!
[SCREAMS]
Okay, everyone,
let's just calm down.
He's just a person.
It's just like any other date.
Now I'm gonna go down,
and I'm gonna say hello
to Mr. Brock Storm.
That's all.
Don't start with me, Niles.
So Brock...
Now that you're
in a coma on the show,
aren't you afraid
of being killed off?
I'll recover the minute
we settle my contract.
Uh-huh.
Why? What've you heard?
Ah, Brock, I just got
off the phone with your agent,
and I think we'll
be
able to strike a
deal.
Fabulous!
Yes, well, the art
of negotiation's
all a matter of...
Oh, I'll tell you later.
Hi, Brock.
Darling, you look spectacular.
Which makes me look even better.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Brock, I want you to meet
my best
friend,
Valerie
Toriello.
Go ahead, Val.
Embarrass me.
Oh, Mr. Storm,
it's such a thrill
to shake your
hand.
Was it as good for
you
as it was for me?
Two seconds. That's a record.
[GIGGLES]
Well, I hope I dressed okay,
Brock.
I didn't know
what we were doing.
Anything you want, mon amour...
mon amour.
[GASPS]
Take a picture. Take a picture.
Is it just me,
or is he the phoniest
human being on earth?
Would that be
counting
Miss Babcock?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
this is the most exciting night
of my life,
and I owe it
all to you.
Oh, you don't owe me anything.
You don't owe him
anything either.
Nothing is owed.
Don't wait up.
Is everything all right, sir?
Hmm? Oh, of course.
She seems fine
with the
arrangement.
Indeed, she was floating on air.
Hot air, I might add.
Sir, are you worried
that she'll have a bad time
or a good one?
You know, Niles,
you're starting to
get on my nerves.
All in a day's work, sir.
That was a delicious meal,
wasn't it?
Who knew happy hour
could be so filling?
Do you think my hair
looks better
parted on the right or the left?
Well, let's see.
You had it
parted
on the left
for the nachos,
and then you switched
it
for the buffalo wings,
am I right?
Uh-huh.
Why don't you split the diff
and part it down the middle?
Uh, Caleeb,
there's my mansion
now.
Why don't you
just drop me off
at the corner.
Driver, keep driving.
What's your rush?
It's a school night.
But it's the shank
of the evening,
and your eyes beckon me
to the shore,
where I will crash
upon your lips.
You said the same
thing
to nurse Judy,
and now she's hanging
on an IV pole.
Well, it's time
for some intensive care...
And the doctor is in.
That's it!
You know, I have a good mind
to report you
toSoap Opera
Digest.
You are nothing
like Dr. River
Shane.
No, but I'm exactly
like his evil twin.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Huh?
What are you doing down here?
Were you waiting up for me?
Of course not.
I was just reading a book...
that's here somewhere.
Is she home yet?
Go back to sleep.
So how was your evening
with Brock?
Oh, don't ask.
That guy was only interested
in one thing.
Hello, my father
was finally right.
I feel like such a loser.
You can't blame yourself.
The man's a cad.
I'd like to wring his...
[MUFFLED] Peanuts?
He took advantage
of your naiveté
and complete lack
of sophistication.
Don't forget
incredible stupidity.
Right.
Ugh, what am I doing here?
Take this away from me.
This could easily turn
into a 10-pound binge.
I hold myself
completely responsible.
I let my own self-interest
compromise your virtue.
Oh, are you adorable.
Oh, now, Miss Fine,
let's not misconstrue.
I mean, we don't want to mix
business with personal.
Oh, you're not starting
on that jag again, are
you?
We're living together, sort of.
Some of this is bound to happen.
Yeah, I suppose.
You know,
it's the strangest thing,
but when you went out that door
with him this evening,
I thought if something
terrible were to happen,
I would actually care.
Don't gush.
Look at us...
A couple of nut eaters.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I hope I didn't screw up
your play.
Oh, frankly, after the way Brock
treated you this evening,
I'm not sure I'd care
to work with him anyway.
Oh, too bad, too,
because now he could
really
hit those high notes.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Does that mean she kicked him
in the...?
Good night, Brighton.
[♪♪♪]
Doesshmegegi two G's or three?
That's not a word.
You never heard ofshmegegi?
Oy, you've never met
my cousin Ira.
Now, let's see,
the double word score makes 30,
and the S turns
moron into morons.
Carry the nor...
57 points.
Where's the bag?
MAXWELL:
No, absolutely not.
I don't want another soap star.
They might be big box office,
but there must be
another way to go.
If you hear some beeps,
I'm expecting a call from Val.
This is Val.
Fran, I'm stuck.
What do I do next?
Let me see...
Gently push the ponytailer
through the back of the pony
to create a hairdo
that will epitomize fantasy
and femininity.
Ow!
Shh! Please, I'm trying
to watchOne Day After Another.
Oh, look, they've replaced
Brock Storm.
I wonder what happened.
How do you spell "eunuch"?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Miss Fine, another stunning
yet inappropriate
breakfast ensemble.
You like?
They were having a big sale
at Victoria's Secret.
I bought some other stuff too,
but that's my secret.
Did you save the catalog?
You can have it
after I'm through.
Niles.
Well, Mother's Day
is just around the corner.
Uh-huh.
Good morning, everyone.
Miss Fine.
What? It was buy one,
get one free.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Oh, that must be
my return call from
Osaka.
No, it's Eddie. He's
calling
to kiss me good morning.
Well, I've lost my appetite.
Gee, you know,
with all the overseas calls
you make,
I hope you get free mileage
with your long distance.
How delightfully bourgeois.
Bourgeois, with a freebie
to Bermuda.
Thank you, Niles.
Thank you, Niles.
Not so fast, it's for Miss Fine.
Miss Valerie Toriello.
Val is on my business line?
Well, it could be an emergency.
Val, what's the matter?
Who died?
[GASPS]
Danny, my ex, is taking
Heather Biblo to Puerto
Rico.
Miss Fine, nobody cares
about your boyfriend's vacation.
Ex-boyfriend, sir.
And I care deeply.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Oh, Val, I'm getting some
beeps here. Wait a minute.
Oh, that must be Osaka on the
other line. Hang up. Hang up.
Val, it's Japan calling
for Mr. Sheffield.
I gotta hang up.
- Whose water broke in Macy's?
- Just, just...
Give me that.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Val, would you please hang up?
No, I don't get free mileage
on my long distance.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[SIGHS]
Nothing.
You must've lost them.
Me?
Me?
Yes, you.
Couldn't be.
Then who?
Miss Fine, let's just make
one simple rule, can we?
You keep your personal life
out of my business.
So, what you're saying is
if you've got
a business meeting,
I should keep
my personal feelings out of it
and let you go out in that tie.
Let's just review.
Business, personal.
Business, personal.
Let's have none of this.
Now, if you'll excuse
me,
I have business
to attend to.
He's changing his tie.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Daddy, guess where we're going.
Sweetheart,
we're in the middle of work.
Who taught you to barge in
like that?
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Sheffield.
Ah, it's all coming back to me.
Please, I'm on the phone.
Well, I hope it's
nothing personal,
because he'll snap
your head off.
Did you want something?
A, I like your tie,
B, I need some money.
I'm taking Gracie shopping.
It's time I learned
to coordinate my separates.
She's growing up
right before my eyes.
Meanwhile, you're
wearing one Mary Jane
and one saddle shoe.
I dared to be different.
Go change.
Soon she'll be
ready
for the Home
Shopping Network.
So I'm off to go on duty.
You need anything while I'm out?
Yes, a leading man.
Ah, who doesn't? Believe me,
if they sold them
at Labels for Less,
I'd have one on layaway already.
Yes, I'll hold.
Nanny Fine, a synthetic fur.
How very PC of you.
What?
PC, as in politically correct.
Oh, well, actually,
it's JC, as in Penney.
Your outfit is nice too.
Of course, dear. It's an Adolfo.
As in Hitler?
Yes, I'm still here.
So he is interested. Splendid.
Let me run it by Mr. Sheffield.
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
Love you.Ciao.
What a phony.
Well?
You'll never guess
who I've talked into
starring in our new
show,
pending a meeting
with you, of course.
Brock Storm.
Brock Storm?
Never heard of him.
You never heard of Brock Storm?
Yes, we've established that.
He plays Dr. River Shane
onOne Day After Another.
He's on the cover
ofSoap Opera Digest.
I'll leave you my copy
in your bathroom.
Maxwell, I'm telling you,
Brock is big,
and we need a box office draw.
Star's Deli already
names
a sandwich after him:
The Brock-wurst.
Oh, my God. I've eaten him.
He is good.
He is perfect.
He's beyond perfect.
When Trista went
into premature labor
after the plane crash,
despite his two broken arms,
Brock delivered her baby.
How?
With his teeth.
I'm telling you,
he is the most perfect man
in the world.
He's playing a part, Miss Fine.
It's an act,
hence the term "actor."
Oh, no. No one can act
that good.
He is truly sensitive.
When he cries,
snot comes out of his nose.
Oh, the man is gifted.
[SINGING RODGERS
& HAMMERSTEIN'S "OKLAHOMA!"]
♪♪ You're doin'
fine,
Oklahoma ♪♪
♪♪ Oklahoma, O-K-H-L-O-M... ♪♪
No, wait.
Who needs to spell
when you look like
that?
♪♪ Oklaho-ma! ♪♪
Yo!
Oh, that was marvelous.
Bravo.
And so very loud.
You do know I'm meeting
with other producers?
Andy has invited me out
to his place
in Southampton for the weekend.
Andy Lloyd Webber?
Uh-huh.
And there's no spelling
in his show.
Remember, Brock,
there's only one maiden voyage
to Broadway,
so take the
ride
with a
that can guarantee
you
the epitome of style,
taste, and class.
I don't know what I ate
for lunch.
[HICCUPS]
Oh, yeah, quiche.
Would you excuse me a minute?
Miss Fine, we're
still in the middle
of our business meeting.
Oh, is that today?
Oh, gee, if I would've known,
I would have dressed.
Come on, kids. Come on over.
Your father has someone
he wants you to meet.
Uh, Brock,
these are my children,
Brighton, Grace, and Maggie.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
[GIGGLES]
We never should have
let her out of the attic.
And this must be
your gorgeous wife.
No, this is my less-than-subtle
nanny, Miss Fine.
Fran to you, ormon amour.
Whichever.
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.
Frèère Jacques, dormez-vous?
Miss Fine...
A moment.
[WHISPERING]
Yes?
Get out, or I'll hurt you.
Ah.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
Oh, just one last thing.
All the while that you were
selflessly raising your son Eric
while his mother Cherie
was gallivanting
all over Spring Valley,
did you know that he wasn't
your biological child?
Yes, I've always known.
You are a god...and a doctor.
I gotta lie down.
I do apologize,
but I'm sure you must get that...
[GIRLS SCREAM]
Sort of thing all the time.
Yeah. Cool, huh?
So shall I call your agent?
Sure.
I'll need top billing,
big letters,
more money than anyone else...
Oh, yeah...
And the nanny.
[SCOFFS]
Can you believe he wants
my nanny?
Why doesn't he get someone else
to take care of his children?
Maxwell, he doesn't
have any children.
Then what does he want
with my na...?
Oh.
God, this is boring.
Brock hasn't even moved
since the last commercial.
Shh. That's
because
he's in a coma.
Look, he's gonna drool again.
The man is a master
of bodily fluids.
But nothing's happening.
That's because you don't
know how to watch.
See how nurse Judy
is clutching the IV pole?
So she's dizzy.
So she's pregnant,
and Brock's the father.
But I thought he was in a coma.
Plus he's had a vasectomy.
Is that man virile or what?
What's a vasectomy?
Uh, it's
elective
surgery,
honey.
Like when C.C.
went to
Switzerland
and came back
without her
thighs.
Did C.C. have a vasectomy?
Uh, no. No, honey.
I hear she's given a few.
MAXWELL: Niles!
As if I have
nothing better to
do
than be at his beck and call.
As if we were his servants.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. I will not.
I cannot make Miss Fine
part of this deal.
Oh, Maxwell, grow up.
It's unconscionable.
It's morally bankrupt.
It's show biz.
What took you so long?
I fell, sir...
But I think I'm all right now.
I'll walk it off.
Maxwell, darling,
I'm begging you.
We just have to do it.
Well, I find the whole idea
repulsive.
Way to play hard to get, sir.
Niles, get your mind
out of the gutter.
Vacating the gutter, sir.
We're talking about Brock Storm.
He'll only do the show
if I set him up with Miss Fine.
Well, it's not like
she won't be thrilled
with the prospect.
She glommed onto him
like a refrigerator magnet.
Yes, well, that's true enough.
She was rather taken with him.
So actually you'll be
doing her a favor
as opposed to, say, pimping her.
Thank you, Niles.
Always there for you, sir.
Oh. Ooh.
[HOSPITAL SHOW
PLAYS ON TELEVISION]
Oh, I can't believe
how cute all the men
are.
Cute, but so dysfunctional.
A lethal combination, ladies.
Miss Fine, Mr. Sheffield
would like to speak with
you
in his office.
[WHINING]
Oh, what did I do?
If he asks you
anything about my
fall,
just play along.
All right, I'll do it,
but I won't like it.
Where have I heard that before?
Ah, Miss Fine, do come in.
I'm sorry, but who
knew
nail polish remover
would eat off the finish?
What finish?
Nothing.
Miss Fine!
Oh, Maxwell, lighten up.
Sit down, Miss Fine... Fran.
Franela.
Oh, now I'm really scared.
What would you say if I arranged
dinner this evening
for you and Brock Storm?
Wait, is this
a hypothetical question,
or are we wasting time
when I should be putting
the electric rollers in my hair?
Roll away, Miss Fine.
Oh, my God!
A date with Brock Storm.
I can't believe you would
do this for me!
Oh, well, you know...
It's our pleasure.
We just want you
to have a good time,
a very good time.
Not that good a time.
We want her to have a good time.
Have as good a time
as you want, and no more.
Well, I'll just play it by ear.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, thank you, Miss Babcock.
Ooh, that was close.
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Knock, knock. It's Franela.
We missed you.
Uh, would Brock, by any chance,
have the hots for me,
and it would be better
for you and your show
if I went out with him?
Miss Fine, how could you imply...
Shut up, C.C.
Yes, yes. It's true!
We're sacrificing you to Brock
to close
our filthy business deal.
All right.
Uh-oh.
What?
What?
A date with Brock.
Now, wouldn't that be
mixing
business with personal?
You know.
Maxwell, what is this,
and why are you
doing it with
her?
It's just some silly
rule I made.
What say we forget that rule?
Oh, no. Rules are rules.
Rules are made to be broken.
Mmm...I don't know.
Forget the rules.
I hate the rules.
New rule: No rules!
I want you to mix business
with personal.
I want you to call Val
on my business line,
invite her over, have a party.
Here, take my credit card.
Redecorate the house!
All right.
Maxwell, if you don't mind,
I think I'll
handle
the
negotiations
with Brock's agent.
Oh, honey...
the secret to putting on blush
is less is more.
[GIGGLES]
The exact opposite of hairspray.
Oh, isn't it amazing
how our lives are
completely the same?
I mean, you're going out
with the hottest soap star,
and I'm dating Eddie.
It's scary.
Meanwhile, where's my lipstick?
How do I look?
Like my Aunt Shirley
before her cataract surgery.
Here, sweetie.
Fran, can I borrow some perfume?
Oh, sure, help yourself.
Nope, that's my scent.
You take the Charlie.
A few drops strategically placed
on the pulse points.
Here...here...
and one right between the...
eyes.
The eyes?
Yes, the brain
is the sexiest organ.
Right, Val? Where's Val?
Oh, what a walk-in.
If it had a
bathroom,
you could sublet.
Did you smell the padded
potpourri hangers?
Please, I had to
take
an antihistamine.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, come in.
Miss Fine, Mr. Storm's blown in.
VAL: Oh, my God!
I can't believe my best friend's
going out with Brock Storm!
[SCREAMS]
Okay, everyone,
let's just calm down.
He's just a person.
It's just like any other date.
Now I'm gonna go down,
and I'm gonna say hello
to Mr. Brock Storm.
That's all.
Don't start with me, Niles.
So Brock...
Now that you're
in a coma on the show,
aren't you afraid
of being killed off?
I'll recover the minute
we settle my contract.
Uh-huh.
Why? What've you heard?
Ah, Brock, I just got
off the phone with your agent,
and I think we'll
be
able to strike a
deal.
Fabulous!
Yes, well, the art
of negotiation's
all a matter of...
Oh, I'll tell you later.
Hi, Brock.
Darling, you look spectacular.
Which makes me look even better.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Brock, I want you to meet
my best
friend,
Valerie
Toriello.
Go ahead, Val.
Embarrass me.
Oh, Mr. Storm,
it's such a thrill
to shake your
hand.
Was it as good for
you
as it was for me?
Two seconds. That's a record.
[GIGGLES]
Well, I hope I dressed okay,
Brock.
I didn't know
what we were doing.
Anything you want, mon amour...
mon amour.
[GASPS]
Take a picture. Take a picture.
Is it just me,
or is he the phoniest
human being on earth?
Would that be
counting
Miss Babcock?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
this is the most exciting night
of my life,
and I owe it
all to you.
Oh, you don't owe me anything.
You don't owe him
anything either.
Nothing is owed.
Don't wait up.
Is everything all right, sir?
Hmm? Oh, of course.
She seems fine
with the
arrangement.
Indeed, she was floating on air.
Hot air, I might add.
Sir, are you worried
that she'll have a bad time
or a good one?
You know, Niles,
you're starting to
get on my nerves.
All in a day's work, sir.
That was a delicious meal,
wasn't it?
Who knew happy hour
could be so filling?
Do you think my hair
looks better
parted on the right or the left?
Well, let's see.
You had it
parted
on the left
for the nachos,
and then you switched
it
for the buffalo wings,
am I right?
Uh-huh.
Why don't you split the diff
and part it down the middle?
Uh, Caleeb,
there's my mansion
now.
Why don't you
just drop me off
at the corner.
Driver, keep driving.
What's your rush?
It's a school night.
But it's the shank
of the evening,
and your eyes beckon me
to the shore,
where I will crash
upon your lips.
You said the same
thing
to nurse Judy,
and now she's hanging
on an IV pole.
Well, it's time
for some intensive care...
And the doctor is in.
That's it!
You know, I have a good mind
to report you
toSoap Opera
Digest.
You are nothing
like Dr. River
Shane.
No, but I'm exactly
like his evil twin.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Huh?
What are you doing down here?
Were you waiting up for me?
Of course not.
I was just reading a book...
that's here somewhere.
Is she home yet?
Go back to sleep.
So how was your evening
with Brock?
Oh, don't ask.
That guy was only interested
in one thing.
Hello, my father
was finally right.
I feel like such a loser.
You can't blame yourself.
The man's a cad.
I'd like to wring his...
[MUFFLED] Peanuts?
He took advantage
of your naiveté
and complete lack
of sophistication.
Don't forget
incredible stupidity.
Right.
Ugh, what am I doing here?
Take this away from me.
This could easily turn
into a 10-pound binge.
I hold myself
completely responsible.
I let my own self-interest
compromise your virtue.
Oh, are you adorable.
Oh, now, Miss Fine,
let's not misconstrue.
I mean, we don't want to mix
business with personal.
Oh, you're not starting
on that jag again, are
you?
We're living together, sort of.
Some of this is bound to happen.
Yeah, I suppose.
You know,
it's the strangest thing,
but when you went out that door
with him this evening,
I thought if something
terrible were to happen,
I would actually care.
Don't gush.
Look at us...
A couple of nut eaters.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I hope I didn't screw up
your play.
Oh, frankly, after the way Brock
treated you this evening,
I'm not sure I'd care
to work with him anyway.
Oh, too bad, too,
because now he could
really
hit those high notes.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Does that mean she kicked him
in the...?
Good night, Brighton.
[♪♪♪]
Doesshmegegi two G's or three?
That's not a word.
You never heard ofshmegegi?
Oy, you've never met
my cousin Ira.
Now, let's see,
the double word score makes 30,
and the S turns
moron into morons.
Carry the nor...
57 points.
Where's the bag?
MAXWELL:
No, absolutely not.
I don't want another soap star.
They might be big box office,
but there must be
another way to go.
If you hear some beeps,
I'm expecting a call from Val.
This is Val.
Fran, I'm stuck.
What do I do next?
Let me see...
Gently push the ponytailer
through the back of the pony
to create a hairdo
that will epitomize fantasy
and femininity.
Ow!
Shh! Please, I'm trying
to watchOne Day After Another.
Oh, look, they've replaced
Brock Storm.
I wonder what happened.
How do you spell "eunuch"?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]