The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 8 - Christmas Episode - full transcript

Okay, kids, everyone go upstairs
and hang up your skates,

and put your wet clothes
in the hamper.

No wet clothes for you,
Miss Fine?

I didn't fall.

She didn't skate.

And yet such a lovely ensemble.

Oh, you should see what I wear

when I don't play tennis.

Oh, cranberries on a string.

How beautiful.

I wonder who
started
this tradition.



Probably Ocean Spray.

Niles, you old scrooge.

Get into the Christmas spirit.

Spoken by one who doesn't
have to clean it all up.

That's the thing about Hanukkah.

Eight candles and a menorah.
No fuss, no muss.

Is it too
late
to convert?
Never.

We'll get you a Bar Mitzvah
and, of course, a circumcision.

Suddenly I'm filled
with the Christmas spirit.

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪



♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪

♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪

♪♪ She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Miss Fine, what on earth
are you doing?

I'm putting on the tinsel.

Not before the lights.

Is that a faux pas?

Lights first, ornaments second,
and tinsel is always last.

Father's very anal
about his tree trimming.

Well, one year,
we begged my mother

for a Christmas tree.

She called it a Hanukkah bush.

The candles
from the menorah

set the flocking on fire,

and the fumes put my
father
into the emergency room.

A variation
on the burning bush classic.

My mother took the whole thing

as a sign from God,

and from there on in,
we spent every
Christmas

at the
Fontainebleau
in Miami Beach.

To this day, I can't get a whiff
of Bain de Soleil

without having a yen for eggnog.

Sir?

Oh, Niles, splendid.
Thank you very much.

All right, everyone, stand by.

Three, two, one...

Oh, it's beautiful.

Niles, I thought
we agreed twinkle lights.

Here.

Miss Fine, I know
it's a holiday,

and this is a bit
of an imposition,

but would it be at all possible

for you to work
on Christmas Day?

Oh, are you kidding?

To be part of a real
Christmas
is a dream come true.

You see, I'm going
to be in D.C.

I'm producing a benefit
for the Kennedy Center.

You won't be home for Christmas?

He's never home for Christmas.

Oh, now, Grace,
we've been through all this.

I'm going to be
raising money for children

less fortunate than we are.

Yeah, but keep
laying on the
guilt.

We'll get better presents.

Brighton, I'm not
canceling it altogether.

We'll simply celebrate it
a day early.

He's moving Christmas?

You can do that?

They do it
for Washington's birthday.

I never got that either.

I mean, you go
to all that trouble

fathering a nation,
and before you know it,

you're sharing
the third Monday in February

with Lincoln and a white sale.

Say, I know.

Why don't we make out
our list for Santa,

and bring it to him
when we go get
our picture taken?

We already did that.

Yeah, but I came out
a little bloated.

Isn't that cute?

She still believes in Santa.

Honey, I believe
in anyone that delivers.

Well, we believe in Edna.

Edna Claus?
Would that be the missus?

No, Fran, she's
Daddy's
personal shopper.

She buys all our gifts.

Oh, so what you're saying is,
you give Edna your list,

and she gives it to Santa?

Please, Fran,
I wasn't born yesterday.

If you did believe in Santa,

what would you want him
to bring you?

Daddy for Christmas.

Aww...

Well, how about
a nice Easy-Bake oven?

All right,
I'll see
what I can do.

Oh, Niles, those poor kids,

and that Gracie
is the anti-Claus.

I got to go talk
to Mr. Sheffield.

Well, I hope
you're not going to upset him.

He's writing out
the staff Christmas bonuses.

Oh, how do you know?

Well, did you think the
keyholes
polished themselves?

So the nanny gets a bonus too?

Oh, that's good
news,
because, you know,

I really wanted to
buy each of the kids
something fabulous,

but have you seen the
cost
of fabulous nowadays?

Please, I can't even afford
wonderful.

Fortunately,
Mr. Sheffield is very
generous.

Well, if he thinks
that writing a
check

is gonna make up
for his not being
here...

Four figures, Miss Fine.

Oh, well, glory
to the newborn
king.

Maxwell.

Look what I'm standing under.

Isn't that mistletoe?

I'm not sure.
Looks rather like holly.

It's mistletoe.

And I do believe
tradition calls for a kiss.

All right.

Merry Christmas, Nanny Fine.

Whoops, I got some lipstick
on your cheek.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Meanwhile, that shade
looks gorgeous on you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

do you really have to go
out of town for the holidays?

Yes, he does.

I love the way
you throw your voice like that.

I'm afraid I have to, Miss Fine.

It's a very important benefit.

We're raising money for the...

Who are we raising money for?

The poor, right?

Miss Fine, I'd love to be
with the family Christmas Day,

but I'm afraid I just can't.

We can't.

You're going too?

Uh-huh.

We'll be working
the entire time.

Well, I think we'll
have
time for dinners.

No, no dinner.

The only reason I'm going away
with Miss Babcock

is for charity.

Thank you, Maxwell.

Well, you know what I mean.

No, no, I don't.

What do you need,
to be hit over the head?

Uh, yes, Miss Fine.
Was there anything
else?

Well, far be it for me

to tell you how to do Christmas,

but you're doing it all wrong.

The father's going out of town,

the kids don't believe in Santa,

and I haven't seen
one stinking
partridge

on a pear tree.

Well, that's why
we're moving it up a day.

I want it to be
very special this year,

so I told my personal shopper
to pull out all the stops.

And that's another thing.

This woman doesn't
know our kids.

A personal shopper
is so impersonal,

although
not a bad career choice.

Well, I have
an interesting idea.

During those many hours
when the children

are away at school, Yeah?

and you basically
have nothing to do...

I fill my days.

Why don't you get their gifts?

Well, that's not the worst idea.

I mean, you'd know
what they want.

Don't you want to pick out
your own presents?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
if it were me,

I would much rather get a gift

that you personally picked out.

A gift from the
heart
means so much more.

Well, I suppose
I could find time

to pop into FAO Schwarz.

Trust me, whatever you pick out,

they will love
and cherish
forever.

Just make sure it's returnable.

Whoo! I got the kids
great stocking stuffers.

Are you putting up a stocking?

No, I figured
I'd put up my panty hose.

That way, I'll get double.

Fran...

Hello, ladies.
Hi.

Looks like somebody else
went shopping besides us.

Oh, yes, we had
a wonderful
time.

Children
laughing,
people passing,

meeting smile after smile.

He's been doing that all day.

So...what do you think
of Brighton's bicycle?

Who designed it, Picasso?

Well, it's not finished yet.

The salesman said
that serious cyclists
like

to build the
equipment
themselves.

Mm, they saw him coming.

Well, if you
need
a few pointers,

Val here is very mechanical.

I'm a plumber's daughter.

Thank you, Val,
but I'm a grown man.

I think I should be able

to assemble a child's bicycle.

Oh, hey,

may the
testosterone
be with you.

Look at this great
sweater
that I got.

Isn't it perfect for Maggie?

I got great stuff for everyone.

I hope Brighton likes Aramis.

What did you do,
win the lottery?

Oh, I wish.
More like rubber checks.

Don't worry, I'm not
gonna let 'em bounce.

Tomorrow, I'll get
my Christmas bonus,

Saturday and Sunday,
the banks are closed,

Monday, I'll make
an instant
deposit,

and I've done my share
to stimulate the
economy.

Don't you have a credit card?

Not since my little run-in

with Edward Scissorhands
at Macy's.

Come on, everyone,
it's merry, uh...

Merry morning of the
day
before Christmas.

Gracie, Santa took a bite
out of the cookies we left him.

I didn't know
Santa wore red lipstick.

The man gets out of the house
once a year.

Live and let live.

Fran, would you
open my present
first?

Before the family?

All right.

I hope you like it.
I made it myself.

I mean, it's okay if you don't.

Honey, I'll love it,
because a gift from the heart

is worth more
than the present itself,

right, Mr. Sheffield?

Absolutely, Miss Fine.

Ohhhhhhhhhh...

It's a pajama holder.

Oh!

And I don't already have one.

Because you don't wear
any pajamas.

You have polished
your last keyhole, mister.

Thanks, Mags, I love it.

Dad, I love my...

What is this?

It's a bicycle...kit.

Bicycle kit?

Well, half the fun
of owning a bicycle

is building it yourself.

And this is from me.

Aw, gee, guys,
you shouldn't
have.

He really wanted Cindy Crawford.

At least she's built.

Gee, Daddy, the screamer.

Thank you.

I'm glad you like it,
sweetheart.

And I hope you understand
why I can't be here tomorrow.

I understand.

There's my big girl.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

No hidden hostility there.

So, Niles, what can I say?

Year in, year out,
you're a friend
indeed.

Thank you and merry Christmas.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

that's more than generous.

It's hard to express
just how much I deserve this.

Well, you're welcome.

And Miss Fine...

Yeah?

Miss Fine, your contribution

to our family
has not gone
unnoticed.

Oh, I think I'm gonna cry.

Thank you and merry Christmas.

What's this?

Your Christmas present.

I gave it a lot of thought,

picked it out myself.

Oh...

Ahh-ahhhh...

Me and my big mouth.

Niles, will you come visit me
in debtor's prison?

Miss Fine, you
should
be flattered

that Mr.
Sheffield
got you a gift.

I've never known him
to give a staff member
anything but a check.

Well, who the hell
needed that distinction?

You know, it really
is
a lovely vase.

Gorgeous, but will it fit
through an automated teller?

Niles...if you ever
catch me shopping again,

I want you to just slap me
upside the head.

Oh, Maggie!

You're wearing
the new sweater I got you?

Already?
Oh, I just love it.

It's the most
beautiful
sweater
I've ever seen.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

You didn't cut
the tag off, did you?

Yes. Why?

Oh! Oh...

That's okay, that's okay.
I got the receipt.

Fran, I'm keeping this sweater.
I love it.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do,
because you gave it to me.

Remember what you said?
"A gift from the heart..."

Oh... All right.
Wear it in good
health.

Go.

Now what am I going to do?

That offer to lend you the money
still stands.

Oh, Niles,
I consider you my friend,

so I'll be frank...
I'm not good for it.

But it is a perfect piece

to start one's
personal art collection.

Thanks. This should
go great next to my limbo
trophy from Club Med.

Haven't you got
something I can unload?

A VCR, a nice
semi-automatic weapon?

Paulie, don't you know
a valuable antique

when you see it?

This here is practically,
uh...
Elizabethan.

Elizabeth Taylor?

No, Liz the queen.

No can do. If you said
Elizabeth Montgomery,

you know,Bewitched,
then I could move it.

Paulie, will you please
buy the vase?

The woman owes the world.
She's desperate.

We'll take anything.

And that, Val,

is why you cannot find
a partner for bridge.

Cheer up, honey.

Look, my favorite...
It's a Wonderful Life.

We've already seen it six times.

Today.

Well, there's
a Christmas special

on the shopping channel.

Call now
and you can own

It's a Wonderful Life
at a wonderful price.

Can you believe that?

Although, for $9.95,
it is a classic.

Niles, did you remember
my attaché?
Yes, sir.

And my carry-on?
Always, sir.

Well, it seems
we have everything.

Maxwell?
Oops.

I guess I did
forget one old bag.

Daddy, I wish you could
come to church with us.

Do you really have to go?

Oh, sweetheart,
I'm afraid I have
to.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'll miss all of you.

Bye, Dad.

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

Can't we come with you?

No.

I mean, oh!
Wouldn't that be fun?

But we're gonna be working
around the clock.

I'm afraid she's right, Gracie.

Even if you came with me,

I'd hardly see you.

You'll have a lot more fun here.

At least he only has to work
Christmas.

My sister is a caterer.

She has to work
every single holiday.

Thank God we fast on Yom Kippur,

or we'd never see her.

Thank you for that, Miss Fine,

and I hope you enjoy the vase.

Huh?

Yes. It, uh,
reminded me of
you...

One-of-a-kind with
just the right
accent.

Oh.

You've been a wonderful addition
to our family.

And I hope you cherish the vase
as the children cherish you.

Oh...

Merry Christmas, Miss Fine.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Niles, would you
watch the kids for a while?

I got to go buy a vase.

You know...

every time a bell rings,
an angel gets its wings.

Who cares?

Yeah?

Oh, Paulie, I want my vase back.

Fran, you can't do this.
How are you gonna
pay your bills?

Oh, I'll think of something.

That little vase is
the most meaningful
gift

I've ever received
in my whole life.

Oh, well, except,
of course, for
the Polaroid
Swinger

you gave me for graduation.

I was gonna say.

Where's my money?

Uh...

Paulie, would
you
take my watch
for the same

Fran, that's
your grandmother's watch.

She gave that to you
on her deathbed!

Thank you, Val.

You're making this a lot easier.

Well, that's terrible, Niles.

Yeah, well, thank
you
for telling me.

Yes. Merry Christmas
to you too, old man.

What?

Well, I gave Miss Fine
a vase in lieu of a
check,

and apparently,
she's just had to
pawn

her grandmother's watch
to pay for the presents

she had already
bought
for the children.

Oh, that's tragic.
It's positively Dickensian.

Oh, well.

I just wish there was
something I could do.

But there's no time.
Our flight leaves in 10
minutes.

Flight 851

going to Washington,
Dulles International Airport

will be delayed three hours.

C.C., I'll be back in time.
I promise.

But, Maxwell, what
if
you miss the plane?

What about all those
poor, unfortunate
people

who are counting on us?

If you ring that
bell
one more time,

I'll wring your neck...

Santa.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Silent night. Holy night.

Miss Fine, you're late.

I'm sorry, but I don't have
my watch anymore. Remember?

Oh, this place is magnificent.

Did I miss anything?
Here.

This ought to bring
you
up to date.

Wow, look at the crowds
at the confessional.

There were shorter lines
in gift-wrap at Macy's.

It's been a rough
year
for everyone.

Hmph! Tell me about it.

I got a few thing
I can get off my chest.

Say, Niles, can anyone
go to the confessionals,

or is it more like
the home club?

You in a confessional?

I'd pay good money to see that.

Excuse me.

All is calm. All is bright.

Where is Fran going?

Grace wants to know
where Fran's gone.

What's with Fran?
She's gone to confess.

She went to play chess.

She went to undress.

Forgive me, Father,
for I have shopped.

Gee, I don't know
the penance for
that.

I suppose you could
say
10 "Hail Macy's."

Good one, Padré.

Oh, these benches
are really uncomfortable.

I guess you don't want people
to stay long, huh?

Stay as long as you
like.
I'm on till midnight.

Father Donahue
got Christmas week
off...

again.

I know how you feel.

I'm working Christmas myself,

and I was really looking forward
to it too,

but now
it's just going to be awful.

I mean,
the father is in Washington,

and the kids
don't believe in Santa,

I'm in hock up to my ears.

I just don't know what to do.

I hear the
Fontainebleau's
nice this time of year.

At least Father
Donahue
says it is.

Oh, Father, you have
more experience at this

than I do.

Does Christmas ever live up
to one's expectations?

That depends on
what one
expects.

Oh, you're good.

You see?

That's why they ship
Father Donahue off to Florida

and you're working
St. Paddy's Christmas Eve.

There's someone in here.

Miss Fine, it's
me.

May I come in?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield!

What are you doing here?

Well, my flight was delayed.

Look, Miss Fine, Niles told me
how I got you in trouble.

You've been
so generous toward me

and the children,

and you've really made it

a very special Christmas
this year,

and I don't see
why it should cost
you

your grandmother's watch.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

I got the name of
the pawn shop from
Val.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

This isn't
my grandmother's watch.

What? Oh, dear.

I seem to have really made
a mess of things.

Oh, don't feel bad.

At least I still have
my beautiful...

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Sheffield.

It's quite all right, Miss Fine.

It's not so much the pain
as the humiliation.

Oh, now, there's nothing
to be humiliated about...

although they really
should get backs

for these gowns.

I hope C.C.'ll be able to handle
the benefit by herself.

Well, she should be
in the air by now.

There go the friendly skies.

Gracie, don't decorate Father.

It's all right.

Let me go!

It's Christmas Eve

and I've got things to do!

Don't you know who I am?

Yes, we do,
and we've been good all year.

So why don't you
be good and lie
still

till the medication kicks in?

What happened to him?

Some lady at the airport

knocked him out
with his own bell.

And my ears are still ringing.

Aw.

Thank you, Santa,
for all my Christmas presents.

What are you thanking him for?

Yeah. I thought you didn't
believe in Santa Claus.

Well, I do now,

because my Christmas
wish came true.

What wish, sweetheart?

That you'd be with
us
for Christmas.

Funny...

that was my wish too.

Oh...isn't this
a positive way

to look at this disaster?

Oh, listen.
It's
Christmas.

Oh!

And we're all together.

And we're happy.

And we're healthy.

Well, most of us.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Sheffield.

Merry Christmas, Miss Fine.

Say, maybe we should
invite the old man.

No one should be alone
on Christmas.

Hey, Santa, are you decent?

Hmm, that's funny.

Where'd he go?

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

I gotta lie down.

♪♪ And a partridge
In a pear tree ♪♪

That's a weird song.

I mean, five golden rings
I can understand.

Ten lords a-leaping, I am there.

But what's with all the birds?

I mean, French hens,
turtle doves,

uh, six geese a-laying.
Who wants to see that?

Miss Fine.

Happy holidays!

And thanks for watching!