The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Nanny-in-Law - full transcript

I'm so excited
we're gonna get to
meet

Mr. Sheffield's nanny.

He must've been
so cute as a
baby

in his little pram

with his little silver pacifier

and his little
three-piece
diaper.

Oh, yes. He was
a little stinker.

I remember his first word...

"Niles!"

Oh...

Niles!



We're gonna have to work
on his vocabulary.

Ah, Niles, there you are.
I want you standing by.

Standing by what, sir?

Me.

I want everything
perfect for Nanny.

All right, girls,

let's see your curtsies.

No, no, no.
Back straight.

I'm getting the feeling
he's done that before.

Niles, that's the doorbell.

Oh, sir, I would be
lost without you.

Nanny Mueller.

Oh, Maxwell,mein Liebchen.

Look how handsome you've become.



You're the image
of your father at that
age.

He had a head of
hair
just like yours,

and then, one
day...
pfft. Kojak.

Nanny, you look wonderful.

I'd like you to meet...

No. Not another word.

I feel as if I know them.

You must be Margaret.

No, I'm Grace.

Well, if somebody sent me
a snapshot once in a while,

maybe I would know them.

I'm Maggie, Nanny Mueller.

Well, button up, dear.

If Victoria can keep her secret,
so can you.

And, Brighton.

You call this a handshake?

What are you, a man or a fish?

Actually, I'm a Pisces.

You, young man...

I will be watching.

Otherwise,
Maxwell,
I'm impressed.

You obviously found yourself

a proper nanny
to rear the children.

Brighton, what'd you put
down the toilet?

It's all stuffed up.

Oh, you're here already? Hello.

Who is this person, the plumber?

Nanny Mueller,

I'd like you to meet Fran Fine,

the nanny.

Oh.

Charmed.
Nice to meet you.

Niles, take the woman's coat.

She's got a sweat moustache.

Oops. My mistake.

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪

♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪

♪♪ She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Thank you.

Well, your home is charming.

It amazes me

what you've been able to do,
Maxwell.

And all from putting
on
your little plays.

Oh, they're not so little.

He lost over a million
on the last one.

Tell me, Margaret,

do you plan to go on the stage?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Well, then we don't
need to be made up

like a showgirl, do we?

So, Nanny Mueller,
how was your passage?

Well, theQE2 is always splendid,

but the food
has fallen off a bit.

Go eat on a boat.

I took the kids
on the Staten Island ferry.

I swear, half a hot dog,
and we're pulling whiskers
out of our teeth.

Sausage, anyone?

Miss, um, Fine, is it?
Yes.

Which agency exactly was it
that arranged

for your position here?

Oh, I didn't
come through an agency.

Mr. Sheffield hired me
right off the street.

It's not like it sounds.

I tried her out
for the weekend first.

So, Nanny Mueller,

how long you planning
on staying? A week?

Or so.

It's the "or so"
I'm worried about.

Miss Fine, you know, in my day,

the nanny
always sat in the kitchen

with the rest of the staff.

Well, those days are over.

You just sit right here with us.

Make yourself at home.

I see you have, at the tableund

Here in America,
we're a little less formal.

When in Rome,Fraulein.

Well, I think I had
just about enough.

I'll show her to her room.

Guten Abend.
Good night.

Good night.
Sleep tight.

Nice meeting you.

She hates my guts.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

No, it's just that you...

Well, you are somewhat
of an acquired taste...

like sushi.

Sushi.

Leave it to the Japanese

to invent a restaurant
where you don't have to cook.

And we wonder why we're behind.

You're looking very fit, Nilesy.

Oh, Clara.

Then you do remember me.

How could I forget you...

the butler's son?

A callow youth
just beginning in service.

And you, the
experienced
older woman.

Ha, ha, ha!
I was all of 22...

Okay, 32.

And yet I learned
so much from you.

Let's review.

A little fluff, a little tease,

and you'll look just like...

my mother.

I was hoping
for Michelle Pfeiffer.

Yeah. So was my mother.

Brighton, you lost
all your checkers.

You always lose everything.

Not everything.
I'm still stuck with you.

Oh, shut up, Brighton.
You shut up.

Shut up, Brighton!
Will you both shut up?

Here. Use the cookies.

That way,
you can eat your winnings.

But all the pieces are black.

All right, here.
Now they're not.

Now, what color
polish
for your nails,
Miss Pfeiffer?

Little girls should not

paint ze face or ze fingers.
Ve do not want to...

Oh, hello, Nanny Mueller!

Well, aren't we
the regular Hogan Hero?

He's great with impressions.

He does me too.
Do me. Do me.

Oy.

We do not do our hair
in the kitchen,

und on the counter.

We are not a teapot.

Sometimes I am.

♪♪ This is my handle ♪♪

♪♪ This is my spout ♪♪♪♪

It's an American thing.

Brighton, are you eating sweets
between meals?

I had to. I jumped her.

Miss Fine, you allow this?

I don't make the rules.

If he jumped her, he jumped her.

Proper children
don't play with their food.

Then I'd better go get
the Tater Tots
out of my toy box.

He reminds me
of his father at this age.

We sent him away
to boarding school.

Knocked that smart-aleck streak
right out of him.

Ugh.
Boarding
school.

Poor Mr. Sheffield.

I couldn't make it
through one night
of sleepaway camp.

I mean, what kind of a sadist

puts a bunch of kids into a tent

after feeding them
franks and beans?

The bears didn't know
what hit 'em.

All right. Fine. Goodbye.

My mother will not
listen to reason.

She's taking a
trip
to the Orient,

and every time
she travels
alone,

she picks up some gigolo
who spends all of her money.

I can see why you're concerned.

Darn right.
It's my inheritance.

Excuse me. Hello?

Yeah. Just a moment.
C.C.?

Is it my
mother,
B.B.?

Sister.

D.D.!

They save a fortune
in engraving.

Mm-hm. Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
you got a minute?

I really want to talk to you
about your Nanny Mueller.

Is there a problem?
Well, it's just that

it gets a little
confusing for the
kids

when I say one thing
and she says another.

Such as?

You know, I say "tomayto,"
she says "tomahto."

I say potato, she says...

Miss Fine.

Well, since you asked,

Maggie is upset
because Nanny Mueller

took away all her makeup,
which kind of upsets me,

because most of it was mine.

Well, she is only 14.

And every time
Brighton cracks a
joke,

she's sending him
off
to boarding school,

which, if you ask
me,
at his age,

could screw any kid up for life.

I was sent away to Eton
at precisely his age.

Uh-huh.

Miss Fine, considering
your limited experience
in this field,

maybe you should take advantage
of this visit.

Pick up a few tips
from an old pro.

Well, who is she, Arnold Palmer?

She happens to be
a highly trained,

highly skilled
professional
nanny,

and has been
for the last 40
years.

Well, meanwhile,

she's scaring Gracie to death

with those stories
about that fat bear

that can't even
get through the doorway

every time he has a decent meal.

Are you talking
about Winnie The Pooh?

Yeah. Him.

And who in his right mind

would call a boy
"Winnie,"
let alone "the Pooh"?

Most children
love those stories.

Far be it for me
to pooh-pooh the
Pooh,

but in case you haven't noticed,

Gracie is not most children.

She likes a good thriller.

We're right in the middle
ofThe Firm.

What's the matter, Nanny Fine?

Nanny Mueller giving you
a run for your money?

You got a piece of parsley

right over there.

For heaven's sake.

I think Nanny
Mueller
is marvelous.

She reminds me
of my nanny.
Bobo.

Bobo?

Oy. Were all you bluebloods
raised by nannies?

What were your parents doing?

I don't really know.
I have no idea.

Knock-knock.

I got a surprise for you.

Children!

Well, if it isn't
the "Von Sapp
family."

I had a sailor suit
just like that.

Parsley's over here now.

Fran, I can't go outside
in this.

Somebody'll kick my butt.

Sweetheart, I'd kick your butt.

Excuse me.

I mean,
who does she think she is,

criticizing my kids?

They're happy, normal kids.

Gracie, stop staring
up at the sun.

Do you know,
last night, I found Eduardo
in bed with my sister?

Twenty years
I've given that
man.

Lupe, Lupe, Lupe.

We dealt with
your problems last week.

Can I get a little support here?

Meanwhile, that Mueller's
got those kids dressed

like Huey, Louie, and Dewey.

And she's got the nerve
to want me to wear a uniform.

Like I'd be caught dead
in one of those.

Oh, well...

On you guys, it looks great.

And I guess those hairy legs
are a big hit in Europe too.

Francine, don't forget
the cardinal rule...

Never come between
a man and his
nanny.

You won't win.

You're right. You're right.

I seen it happen
a hundred times.

She's after your job.

It happened to me.

She flew in on her broomstick
and just tried to take over.

Well, I wouldn't put up with it,

and I went straight
to Mr. McKenzie and told him so.

But you don't work
for the McKenzies.

Exactly.

Since I retired,

I travel the world
visiting my
children.

But I saved the best for last.

No, Nanny Mueller, please.

Do go on.

So Maxwell
was always your favorite?

He was my chubby little cherub.

He used to run around the garden

without a stitch of clothing on.

Run! Run! Run!

Nanny Mueller...

Oh, you did.

He had the cutest bottom,

like two shiny
little
cling peaches.

Well, that's more than I've ever
wanted to know about Dad.

I am so glad
I stayed for dinner.

There's something
positively delightful

about this evening.

I can't quite
put my finger on it.

Where's Miss Fine?

Oh, that's it.

I'm sorry I'm late...

but it's hell finding
white shoes in winter.

The hat was easy.
Howard Johnson's.

Children,
it's not polite to stare.

Miss Fine, you...
You look like a...

Nanny.

Yes. That's it.

I just didn't put it together.

I don't want to
disturb
you. I just thought
I'd take my dinner,

and eat it in the kitchen,
where I belong.

Miss Fine, please,
don't be so silly.

Come and join us.
No, no.

The kitchen is where
a proper nanny eats.

Maggie, shut your mouth.

We are not a Pez dispenser.

Nanny Mueller,

it's amazing what you've done
with Miss Fine.

Oh, that's nothing.

I had a schnauzer once
that gave me more
trouble.

Nanny, are you comparing
Miss Fine to a dog?

Not at all.

The schnauzer had a pedigree.

Don't mind me.
I just need a little salt.

Just a pinch.

I'll leave the shaker...

on the table, with the family,

in the dining room.

Got a little... Mm.

♪♪ In my own little corner ♪♪

♪♪ In my own little chair ♪♪

♪♪ I can be... ♪♪
Miss Fine.

Yes, Mr. Sheffield, sir?

Take off that uniform.

Ooh, Mr. Sheffield.

Why are you wearing
this ridiculous
get-up

and acting
in this ridiculous
way?

I'm just trying to be
the proper nanny.

If I wanted a proper nanny,

I never would have hired you.

Thanks.
You know what I mean.

You're unconventional.

You have no
professional
training.

And you look
ludicrous
in that uniform.

When do we get to the good part?

But despite
the gaps in your résumé,

the children adore you.

You make them very happy.

You make us all very happy.

I try.

So does that mean
my job's not in jeopardy?

No more than usual.

I'm gonna give that Lupe
such azetz.

Oh, listen.

Nanny Mueller has turned
this household upside-down.

What am I gonna do?

Well, this is just
off the top of my head,

but why don't we run this
up a flagpole?

Tell her to leave.

I can't just turn her out.

She raised me,
for heaven's sakes.

I'd feel so guilty.

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

I wouldn't understand guilt?

My people invented it.

But we made up for it

with the Salk vaccine
and Streisand.

Hmm. Well, I suppose
you're right.

I should just tell her to go.

Unless...

Do you really think
she's that bad?

Did you see
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?

She was the technical advisor.

What's that?

Niles.

Nanny Mueller.

Niles and Nanny Mueller!

Go, go, go!

A little custard pudding, Clara?

Why not?

We've earned it.

Nilesy, oh!

Oh, Clara.

I can't believe it.

Niles.

Now we know what they meant

by "the butler did it."

My Nanny Mueller
having... Having...

Pudding.

And with Niles.

Yeah, well, she's a big girl.

I'm sure she's had
plenty of pudding

with plenty of people.

No, please, I cannot
think of her like that.

I know. It's like thinking
about your parents having sex.

Thank God mine never did.

Niles, coffee.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I could use a cup.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh! Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.
Niles.

Nanny Mueller.
How did you sleep?

Like a little baby.
Und

Quite well.

I think we all slept very well.

Actually, I didn't.

I kept hearing things
that go bump in the night.

Thank you, Niles.

I'm famished.

The woman is insatiable.

I see you're back at table und

Maxwell.

You might vant a vord with her.

I think
he wants a "vord" with you.

Mr. Sheffield.

Maxwell.

Yes. Well, ahem.

Nanny...

your visit has been wonderful,
but like all good things...

Oh, yes, Maxwell,
I've never been so
happy.

Since the day that you
fell in the duck pond.

I pull you out,

I breathe life
back into your little limp body.

Oh...

Now, what do you want
to tell me?

Oh. Uh...

Look at the time.

I've got a tennis game.
Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

You forgot your balls.

Ahem.

Miss Fine.

That's Nanny Fine.

That is a title
that must be earned.

All right, maybe I haven't
been a nanny as long as you,

but in case you haven't noticed,
Mr. Sheffield is all grown up.

He doesn't need a nanny anymore.

I'm the nanny here now.
These are my kids.

And, well,
it's time for you to go.

You might think
they're your kids,

but they're not.

You'll find out...

if you last as long as I have.

Kids grow up, go on their way,
and you go on to another family.

And you love them too,

because you can't help it.

And on and on and...

Till one day,

you find yourself
with a lifetime of love to give,

und

Oh, Nanny Mueller.

Nanny?

Nanny Mueller.

Maxwell?

Clara, as you can see,
I'm all grown up now.

My children have a nanny,

and I think
it's time for you to go.

Don't you dare
talk to your
nanny
like that!

What?
Apologize.

But... But...
You heard me. Apologize! Sir.

Uh, I'm...

I'm sorry, nanny.

I forgive you, Maxwell.

Nanny knows you've been
under a lot of strain.

Yes.

Yes. A lot of strain.

I... That's it.
I've been under a lot of strain.

Kids.

We nannies have
got to stick
together.

We're like sisters.

Then...

I can stay?

Oh!

Not on your life.

Goodbye, children.

Oh, take good care
of your father.

Okay.

Okay!

Maxwell.

Goodbye, nanny.

Oh. Oh...

Goodbye, Niles.

It's been a pleasure having you.

Children, see if you can
find
Miss Fine, will you?

Here I am, here I am.

You think I'd let her go
without saying goodbye?

What've you done
to your uniform?

You like?

I love!Wunderbar!

You make one for me
in my size. Six.

Okay, 12.

All your bags are in
the car, Nanny Mueller.

We'll just swing 'round
and pick up mother,

and then the two of you
will be off.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I always wanted to see Japan.

And I have you to
thank
for that, Miss...

Nanny Fine.

Aw. Well, you just
have a good time,

and watch out for those gigolos.

Or maybe they should
watch out for you.

Oh!

I take good care
of my little C.C.'s
mummy.

I love you, Nanny Mueller.

Oh, come now.

Come on, sweetheart.

Get up. Get up. Up!

Auf Wiedersehen!

Bye, Nanny.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye, Nanny Mueller.

Wonderful idea of yours,

putting Nanny Mueller
together with C.C.'s mother.

Look, I want Nanny Mueller
to have a life,

just not mine.

Let me just get out
of this uniform.

Oh, no rush.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield...