The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 11 - A Plot for Nanny - full transcript
Sylvia buys Fran a cemetery plot to get her closer to the cemetery manager.
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
Yay!
Thank you.
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
♪♪ How old...? ♪♪
Ma, watch it.
I still got a wish coming.
Yay!
Darling, it's not
how old you are.
It's how you look.
And you look gorgeous.
Am I right, Max?
Absolutely, Syl.
When I was your age,
I was a cow.
That was right after I had her.
Ma, please.
You were stuffing yourself
with pastrami
up until the birth.
I'm surprised I wasn't born
with a pickle in my mouth.
Here you are.
As promised, two front-row
seats toLes Miserables.
Happy birthday.
Ah, I'm 30,
and I'm dating my mother,
and they think
they'remiserables.
Miss Fine, some things
just get better with age,
like a fine Bordeaux.
Or a nice slab of blue cheese,
getting good and moldy.
Why don't you just stick me
in the Menorah Village
retirement hotel?
Grandma Yetta loves it there.
Grandma Yetta thinks
she's in Paris.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.
Maggie has found religion.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Cindy told Whitney
that she heard through Mark
that Phillip...
Oh, honey.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hang in, hang in.
What is it? What is
it?
That Phillip Drake
is gonna ask me out!
BOTH: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, Mags, I'm so happy for you.
Just on the night
that my life is
ending,
hers is just beginning.
Darling,
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, Ma, please.
You already gave me
the Chanel cologne.
Parfum.
And I love it,
but you're spoiling me.
My pleasure. Here.
This isn't another membership
for Great Expectations?
Nah. I've given
up
on that.
Think real estate.
Condo?
Smaller.
Time share?
Smaller.
A cemetery plot?
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪
♪♪ She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Ma, I can't believe
you would buy me
a cemetery plot.
I don't even have
a good winter coat.
Actually, I bought four plots...
two for me and your father
and two for you and...
The lucky guy?
It's gonna happen, knock wood.
[GASP]
Just kidding.
Ma.
Oh, what a lovely model.
But why do they have
a satin lining?
Satin doesn't breathe.
And neither will you.
Meanwhile,
a person could drop
dead
just waiting to get service
around this joint.
You want some blush?
What, I'm gonna get
all dolled up
for some creepy
funeral director?
You never know.
He could turn out
to be gorgeous.
Yeah, right.
I'm sure he had
a common career choice...
male model or mortician.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Steve Mintz.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
That's okay.
In your business,
what's the rush?
Hi, Stevie.
Hey, Syl.
How you been?
Good.
This is my daughter, Fran.
Hi. "Stevie"?
You guys know each other?
Oh, we met at a funeral.
At least no one could say
Marcia Silverberg
died for nothing.
So you set me up?
These plots were a plot?
Ma, I'm gonna kill you.
Well, at least
they won't have far to move me.
Steve, you know those four plots
my mother bought?
Oh, sure.
The two-for-one
sale.
A sale?
Not only are you giving me away,
but on markdown?
Only the best for you, darling.
Twenty-five
is a very important birthday.
Anyway, I'd like to return them.
Really?
You haven't even
tried them out yet.
Look, I'm sure
it's a lovely plot,
and I'd look gorgeous in it.
Your husband
made some other arrangements?
She doesn't have a husband.
I'm sorry.
Did he pass on?
First, he should only pass by.
You know, you two
have so much in common.
Fran is a licensed
cosmetologist,
and Stevie does makeup too.
Ma, you're killing me here.
Don't be embarrassed.
My mother's even worse.
No. Mine is.
No, really. Mine.
This is a picture of Fran
in the third-grade production
ofFiddler on the Roof.
Isn't she adorable?
♪♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker
Make me a match ♪♪
♪♪ Get outta here ♪♪
You win.
Look, Fran,
I'd be more than happy
to give you your money back,
but, uh,
let me see what I can
do for you here, huh?
All right.
Dazzle me.
Okay.
I will upgrade you
to a mausoleum
with a beautiful sunset view.
Oh, no way.
Then I'd get all the fumes
from the Cross-Bronx Expressway,
not to mention the noise.
Well, we've never
had any complaints.
Look, Steve, you know,
you do make dying
so very attractive,
but, uh,
I just don't like to plan
quite so far in advance.
Well, then,
uh, how about tonight?
What, and skip old age?
Actually, I was, uh...
thinking about dinner.
Oh. Oh, well,
that's very flattering.
I just don't know
if I'm available.
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
You got something in her size?
Oh, thank you, Fran,
for letting me
borrow your clothes.
Oh, that's what women do.
There's one Chanel suit.
It travels the globe.
Man, I can't believe
I'm going out with Phillip.
I can't believe
I'm going out with Steve.
Phillip is so cool and deep.
Steve keeps people
cool and deep.
Doesn't it give you the creeps,
going out with an undertaker?
Well, maybe when I was
29,
but now that I'm 30,
I'm a little more, uh...
Desperate?
You want to borrow
those clothes, or
what?
I hope I'm sophisticated enough
for this coffeehouse.
I mean, I don't even
know the difference
between French roast,
mocha java, or Colombian.
Oh, nobody does,
unless you're Juan Valdez.
Do yourself a favor...
just order water,
but nothing with bubbles.
It's hard to sound profound
when you belch.
Fran, you can't go out.
Who's going to read to me?
Oh, honey, would I leave you
hanging at chapter 37?
Look.
I made you a
tape.
Scruples...
A dramatic reading by Fran Fine.
Scruples,
What, we can't both
enjoy the story?
I edit out the racy parts.
Fran, I need some help
with my history paper.
Oh, what kind of help?
Oh, you know,
picking out a
topic,
doing the
research,
writing it up,
and, oh, yeah, do you type?
Oh, what's that?
What?
I thought I saw a pig fly by.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, there's my date.
Now, don't embarrass me, please.
You all know
how difficult this is.
I don't want any corny jokes
about Steve
being a funeral director.
We'll try,
but it's quite an undertaking.
We may be getting
in
over our heads.
Hi, Steve.
Hi.
Family, house.
Got to go. Bye.
Miss Fine, Miss Fine,
where are your manners?
Come on in. Let me
fix you a cup of
coffin...
Coffee.
Cup of
coffee.
Accident. I swear.
You know,
I could chaperon for you.
Over my dead body. Oh!
Thank you, thank you.
No hands, no hands.
"Trembling with desire,
she looked deep in his eyes,
slipped off her negligee, and..."
[GASPS]
"Folded it neatly,
brushed her teeth,
and got a good night's sleep."
Gracie, sweetheart,
it's almost 10:00.
Why aren't you in bed?
Fran's so good,
I can't put her down.
I finished my homework, Dad.
All right. Let's have a listen.
"The civil war.
The causes of the civil war
become clear
when we view the United States
as a big dysfunctional family."
Oh, Grace, I've told you
not to do
your brother's homework.
Five bucks is five bucks.
Brighton, you can't
just go through life
paying people
to do everything for you.
Dad, I've got two words
for you... Niles, Fran.
I've got two words for you...
Military school.
Hey, what did I do?
This is all your fault
for letting Fran start dating.
You think I should
keep her chained up in her room?
Well, yeah. You know, something.
Dad, if you let her go out there
and see what it's like,
she may never come back.
You'd actually miss her,
wouldn't you?
Well, yeah...
You know, because then there'd
be no one to do my homework.
Yeah, right.
"And they lived
happily ever after.
The end."
Now, tuck yourself in,
and tomorrow
we'll start another classic...
The Valley of the...
Barbie Dolls.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, Fran.
Uh, don't get so close
to the TV.
You'll get cancer.
[HUMMING "RULE, BRITANNIA"]
Mm.
Ah. Thank you, Niles.
Cigar?
Don't mind if I do.
Ah.
Will there be
anything else, sir?
Oh, is that theLondon Times?
Mm.
You know, my pajamas
are about your size.
Well, apparently
Miss Fine's date
is going very well.
Mm-hmm.
Awfully quiet
in this house, isn't it?
Really? I hadn't noticed.
So, what do you think
of this nasty
business
in the Middle East?
It's something
I would like to read about...
in my off time,
which technically began at 8.
Right. Yes.
Well, I'll,
uh...
I'll just,
uh...
If you're at loose ends, sir,
why don't you
sort the recycling?
Good idea.
Way to be
politically conscious, sir.
Do you realize
how much the children
will actually miss Miss Fine
if she were to leave?
Good God, man,
it's just a first date!
Speaking as one
who's off the clock.
Well, you're absolutely right.
First dates are usually
a nightmare, aren't they?
Indeed, if mine
are any indication.
And after all,
he is an undertaker.
I can't see anything
between them.
And I can't see anything
between them, either.
Phillip is so intense.
We spent hours discussing
the nature of consciousness
and whether or not
something really
exists.
Like this table.
Is it really here,
or is it only here
because we see it?
And if we weren't here
to see it,
would it disappear?
Maggie, sweetheart,
next time you go
to a coffeehouse, try decaf.
So, Miss Fine, I
take it
your date went well.
Well, it was pretty fabulous.
You know, Fran,
you've got to get this guy
out of your system.
I mean,
I've got midterms coming up.
I've got middle age coming up.
I win.
Okay, kids, we should get going.
You don't want to be
late for school.
I can't wait for lunch.
Phillip invited me
to sit at his table
with his friends.
But does Phillip's table
really exist?
And when you show up,
will they all disappear?
Well, Niles, it seems
that love is in the air.
Mm.
It's suppose it's time
to have that
birds-and-bees talk.
I would have thought
you'd have done that by now.
Miss Margaret is 14.
Not Maggie.
Oh, don't even say that.
No. I... I meant Miss Fine.
I suspect she knows, sir.
And if I may be so bold,
I'd say she's way ahead of you.
Exactly. That's why I want you,
as the senior member
of my domestic staff,
to make Miss Fine aware
of the rules of the house.
Well, you know
what I'm talking about.
Spell it out for me, sir.
You know, no pets,
no loud music,
no boyfriends in her room.
I understand completely.
Oh, good.
So you'll tell
her?
No bloody way.
How very disobliging of you.
We never had this problem
with the other nannies, did we?
No, sir.
Although, if I recall correctly,
Nanny Carpaugh
was a handsome woman.
That was probably the sideburns.
BOTH:
Ooh!
Good morning, Niles.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, thank you.
I am famished.
Napkin?
Well, well.
No barbs? No wisecracks?
Niles, have you been
taking butler lessons?
I'm lulling you
into a false sense of security.
Where's Maxwell?
He's gone upstairs
to discuss with Miss Fine
the possibility
of having sex in her room.
Miss Fine, do you have a moment?
I hope I'm not intruding.
Sure. Come on in.
My house is your
house.
Oh, yeah. It is.
Take a load off.
Uh, thank you,
but I'd just as soon stand.
Oh, well, can you hold this?
I'm just getting
ready
for my lunch date.
Another date already?
Well, I got to eat.
This is all very awkward.
I've not had
to have this conversation
with the other nannies.
Of course, they weren't nearly
as attractive as you.
Oh, well...
[CLEARS THROAT]
As master of this house,
there are certain things
that I expect.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Maybe I should have read
the fine print.
Oh, no, no, Miss Fine.
You're taking this all wrong.
Here.
I need to talk to you
about your boyfriend.
Oh, I wouldn't call him
my boyfriend.
Well, he is a boy,
and he is your friend.
Mr. Sheffield, are you
sure
you're in the right
room?
I mean, Maggie
is two doors
down.
No, I've already had
this talk with Maggie.
Oh, well, I hope it went better
than this.
No. As a matter of fact,
it didn't.
Miss Fine, what
I'm trying to say
is,
if you are intent
on having a fling,
then there are certain rules
regarding the proper places
for a fling to be flung.
Mm-hmm.
So I take it
the previous nannies
never, uh, "flang"?
No. They were not flingers.
Well, let me just clarify this.
We are talking about
having sex in my
room,
are we not?
Uh, not... No.
Not us.
We already covered that.
I assure you,
Mr. Sheffield,
I would never do anything
to set a bad
example
for the children.
Well, thank you
for that, Miss Fine.
And I appreciate
your discretion.
Oh, well, thank you
for holding my hair.
Oh. Anytime.
If you want,
I can return the favor
and wash that gray away.
How long have you
had that, anyway?
Oh, it came in
about the same time you did.
What a coincidence.
Fran?
Be right there.
Oh, no rush.
No one's going anywhere.
[WHISTLING]
Hi.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Listen, thanks
for meeting me here.
I would've picked you up,
but the car's being used.
Oh, no problem.
No problem.
Here. I'll help
you
close up.
Oh, Steve-a-la!
Are you sure
this is the right place?
Well...
Although this satin lining
looks very comfy.
You know,
that's what I love about you.
You have got the
greatest
sense of humor.
Oh, well, so do you.
Yeah?
You really think
so?
Yeah, considering
your chosen profession.
Well, it wasn't
actually
my choice.
It's a family business
that I just sort of fell into.
Oh, well, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
It's a very respectable
business,
and it doesn't
bother me one bit.
Well, it bothers me.
Fran, I just can't stand
to be around all of this sadness
day in and day out.
Oh, honey, did you make
a wrong career choice.
That's why I'm
going
back to college
to get my degree.
Oh, a professional man.
Nope.
Doctor?
Nope.
Lawyer?
No.
Indian chief?
I'll give you a hint.
You're studying
to be Karl Malden?
No. A clown.
Wha...?
Fran, I'm going
to clown college.
Oh, Fran, don't you get it?
See, I just want
to make people happy.
Oh, Fran, you're not laughing.
I'm laughing.
On the inside,
where it's dry.
All right. Look, look.
I also do balloon animals.
Here. Watch this.
Gee, I hope
it's a four-year college.
I hate men.
Well, take a number.
Take a spoon.
What are you eating?
I guess I'll have
my leftover birthday cake.
Isn't that a little old?
What's your point?
I can't believe Phillip.
What a phony.
I caught him drooling
over some stupid cheerleader.
And after all the coffee
you drank for that man.
I thought
we had something special.
Been there.
I thought I really knew him.
And there.
And then, out of nowhere,
he hits me with this.
It's like I've had cold water
thrown in my face.
I know exactly how you feel.
Picturing yourself married,
living in a split-level
in Long Island
with three kids
and an El Dorado
in the driveway.
No.
But I did have hopes
for the weekend.
Hello, ladies.
Ice cream? Cake?
Man trouble?
I hate Phillip.
I'm never talking to him again.
Miss Margaret,
it's Master Phillip.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Ah, youth.
You know, Fran,
when I'm depressed,
it always makes me feel better
to help other people.
I have an essay
I'd be willing
to let you write for
me.
Brighton, my darling,
I'm at your beck and call.
I'll be home every night.
I have no life.
We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine.
Oh, we sure are.
So, what, uh, what happened?
Did you find dating a mortician
a bit too macabre?
Oh, I did at first,
but I got used to the idea,
and then he turns out
to be a clown.
How do you mean?
I mean a clown.
In what way?
The usual way...
red hair, baggy pants,
floppy shoes.
Do I have to draw you a picture?
Oh, to think I came this close
to being Mrs. Bozo.
All the world loves a clown.
Why can't you?
Twenty-seven guys
in one little car?
I can't even stand
to share a cab.
Sharing is what marriage
is all about.
What are you looking for,
anyway?
Ma, I'm not asking for much,
just a guy that doesn't
wear
as much makeup as I do.
What are you waiting for?
You think Mr. Right
is just gonna walk right up,
knock on your door,
and say, "Here I am"?
[KNOCKING]
Ah, there you are.
Hello, Sylvia.
Which tie,
the yellow or the green?
Green. It goes better
with your eyes.
Ah, thanks.
Ma, I just want a guy
that I can respect
that respects me.
I'm sorry to bother you again.
It's just, I value your opinion.
Gold or tiger's-eye cuff links?
Gold. Simple. Elegant.
Right.
Who knows, Ma?
I just think
maybe someday he'll come along.
Fran, open your eyes.
Life just doesn't work
like that.
Look at Ronald McDonald.
He's got
his own corporation now.
I'm not gonna spend my nights
polishing big shoes, Ma.
Are you gonna be single
your whole life?
Oh, I can just see the wedding.
He'll slip on a banana peel
while walking down the aisle.
Look at the bright side.
Instead of two rings,
you'll have three.
[GROANS]
Shut the door, Ma.
Yay!
Thank you.
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
♪♪ How old...? ♪♪
Ma, watch it.
I still got a wish coming.
Yay!
Darling, it's not
how old you are.
It's how you look.
And you look gorgeous.
Am I right, Max?
Absolutely, Syl.
When I was your age,
I was a cow.
That was right after I had her.
Ma, please.
You were stuffing yourself
with pastrami
up until the birth.
I'm surprised I wasn't born
with a pickle in my mouth.
Here you are.
As promised, two front-row
seats toLes Miserables.
Happy birthday.
Ah, I'm 30,
and I'm dating my mother,
and they think
they'remiserables.
Miss Fine, some things
just get better with age,
like a fine Bordeaux.
Or a nice slab of blue cheese,
getting good and moldy.
Why don't you just stick me
in the Menorah Village
retirement hotel?
Grandma Yetta loves it there.
Grandma Yetta thinks
she's in Paris.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.
Maggie has found religion.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Cindy told Whitney
that she heard through Mark
that Phillip...
Oh, honey.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hang in, hang in.
What is it? What is
it?
That Phillip Drake
is gonna ask me out!
BOTH: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, Mags, I'm so happy for you.
Just on the night
that my life is
ending,
hers is just beginning.
Darling,
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, Ma, please.
You already gave me
the Chanel cologne.
Parfum.
And I love it,
but you're spoiling me.
My pleasure. Here.
This isn't another membership
for Great Expectations?
Nah. I've given
up
on that.
Think real estate.
Condo?
Smaller.
Time share?
Smaller.
A cemetery plot?
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪
♪♪ She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Ma, I can't believe
you would buy me
a cemetery plot.
I don't even have
a good winter coat.
Actually, I bought four plots...
two for me and your father
and two for you and...
The lucky guy?
It's gonna happen, knock wood.
[GASP]
Just kidding.
Ma.
Oh, what a lovely model.
But why do they have
a satin lining?
Satin doesn't breathe.
And neither will you.
Meanwhile,
a person could drop
dead
just waiting to get service
around this joint.
You want some blush?
What, I'm gonna get
all dolled up
for some creepy
funeral director?
You never know.
He could turn out
to be gorgeous.
Yeah, right.
I'm sure he had
a common career choice...
male model or mortician.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Steve Mintz.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
That's okay.
In your business,
what's the rush?
Hi, Stevie.
Hey, Syl.
How you been?
Good.
This is my daughter, Fran.
Hi. "Stevie"?
You guys know each other?
Oh, we met at a funeral.
At least no one could say
Marcia Silverberg
died for nothing.
So you set me up?
These plots were a plot?
Ma, I'm gonna kill you.
Well, at least
they won't have far to move me.
Steve, you know those four plots
my mother bought?
Oh, sure.
The two-for-one
sale.
A sale?
Not only are you giving me away,
but on markdown?
Only the best for you, darling.
Twenty-five
is a very important birthday.
Anyway, I'd like to return them.
Really?
You haven't even
tried them out yet.
Look, I'm sure
it's a lovely plot,
and I'd look gorgeous in it.
Your husband
made some other arrangements?
She doesn't have a husband.
I'm sorry.
Did he pass on?
First, he should only pass by.
You know, you two
have so much in common.
Fran is a licensed
cosmetologist,
and Stevie does makeup too.
Ma, you're killing me here.
Don't be embarrassed.
My mother's even worse.
No. Mine is.
No, really. Mine.
This is a picture of Fran
in the third-grade production
ofFiddler on the Roof.
Isn't she adorable?
♪♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker
Make me a match ♪♪
♪♪ Get outta here ♪♪
You win.
Look, Fran,
I'd be more than happy
to give you your money back,
but, uh,
let me see what I can
do for you here, huh?
All right.
Dazzle me.
Okay.
I will upgrade you
to a mausoleum
with a beautiful sunset view.
Oh, no way.
Then I'd get all the fumes
from the Cross-Bronx Expressway,
not to mention the noise.
Well, we've never
had any complaints.
Look, Steve, you know,
you do make dying
so very attractive,
but, uh,
I just don't like to plan
quite so far in advance.
Well, then,
uh, how about tonight?
What, and skip old age?
Actually, I was, uh...
thinking about dinner.
Oh. Oh, well,
that's very flattering.
I just don't know
if I'm available.
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
You got something in her size?
Oh, thank you, Fran,
for letting me
borrow your clothes.
Oh, that's what women do.
There's one Chanel suit.
It travels the globe.
Man, I can't believe
I'm going out with Phillip.
I can't believe
I'm going out with Steve.
Phillip is so cool and deep.
Steve keeps people
cool and deep.
Doesn't it give you the creeps,
going out with an undertaker?
Well, maybe when I was
29,
but now that I'm 30,
I'm a little more, uh...
Desperate?
You want to borrow
those clothes, or
what?
I hope I'm sophisticated enough
for this coffeehouse.
I mean, I don't even
know the difference
between French roast,
mocha java, or Colombian.
Oh, nobody does,
unless you're Juan Valdez.
Do yourself a favor...
just order water,
but nothing with bubbles.
It's hard to sound profound
when you belch.
Fran, you can't go out.
Who's going to read to me?
Oh, honey, would I leave you
hanging at chapter 37?
Look.
I made you a
tape.
Scruples...
A dramatic reading by Fran Fine.
Scruples,
What, we can't both
enjoy the story?
I edit out the racy parts.
Fran, I need some help
with my history paper.
Oh, what kind of help?
Oh, you know,
picking out a
topic,
doing the
research,
writing it up,
and, oh, yeah, do you type?
Oh, what's that?
What?
I thought I saw a pig fly by.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, there's my date.
Now, don't embarrass me, please.
You all know
how difficult this is.
I don't want any corny jokes
about Steve
being a funeral director.
We'll try,
but it's quite an undertaking.
We may be getting
in
over our heads.
Hi, Steve.
Hi.
Family, house.
Got to go. Bye.
Miss Fine, Miss Fine,
where are your manners?
Come on in. Let me
fix you a cup of
coffin...
Coffee.
Cup of
coffee.
Accident. I swear.
You know,
I could chaperon for you.
Over my dead body. Oh!
Thank you, thank you.
No hands, no hands.
"Trembling with desire,
she looked deep in his eyes,
slipped off her negligee, and..."
[GASPS]
"Folded it neatly,
brushed her teeth,
and got a good night's sleep."
Gracie, sweetheart,
it's almost 10:00.
Why aren't you in bed?
Fran's so good,
I can't put her down.
I finished my homework, Dad.
All right. Let's have a listen.
"The civil war.
The causes of the civil war
become clear
when we view the United States
as a big dysfunctional family."
Oh, Grace, I've told you
not to do
your brother's homework.
Five bucks is five bucks.
Brighton, you can't
just go through life
paying people
to do everything for you.
Dad, I've got two words
for you... Niles, Fran.
I've got two words for you...
Military school.
Hey, what did I do?
This is all your fault
for letting Fran start dating.
You think I should
keep her chained up in her room?
Well, yeah. You know, something.
Dad, if you let her go out there
and see what it's like,
she may never come back.
You'd actually miss her,
wouldn't you?
Well, yeah...
You know, because then there'd
be no one to do my homework.
Yeah, right.
"And they lived
happily ever after.
The end."
Now, tuck yourself in,
and tomorrow
we'll start another classic...
The Valley of the...
Barbie Dolls.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, Fran.
Uh, don't get so close
to the TV.
You'll get cancer.
[HUMMING "RULE, BRITANNIA"]
Mm.
Ah. Thank you, Niles.
Cigar?
Don't mind if I do.
Ah.
Will there be
anything else, sir?
Oh, is that theLondon Times?
Mm.
You know, my pajamas
are about your size.
Well, apparently
Miss Fine's date
is going very well.
Mm-hmm.
Awfully quiet
in this house, isn't it?
Really? I hadn't noticed.
So, what do you think
of this nasty
business
in the Middle East?
It's something
I would like to read about...
in my off time,
which technically began at 8.
Right. Yes.
Well, I'll,
uh...
I'll just,
uh...
If you're at loose ends, sir,
why don't you
sort the recycling?
Good idea.
Way to be
politically conscious, sir.
Do you realize
how much the children
will actually miss Miss Fine
if she were to leave?
Good God, man,
it's just a first date!
Speaking as one
who's off the clock.
Well, you're absolutely right.
First dates are usually
a nightmare, aren't they?
Indeed, if mine
are any indication.
And after all,
he is an undertaker.
I can't see anything
between them.
And I can't see anything
between them, either.
Phillip is so intense.
We spent hours discussing
the nature of consciousness
and whether or not
something really
exists.
Like this table.
Is it really here,
or is it only here
because we see it?
And if we weren't here
to see it,
would it disappear?
Maggie, sweetheart,
next time you go
to a coffeehouse, try decaf.
So, Miss Fine, I
take it
your date went well.
Well, it was pretty fabulous.
You know, Fran,
you've got to get this guy
out of your system.
I mean,
I've got midterms coming up.
I've got middle age coming up.
I win.
Okay, kids, we should get going.
You don't want to be
late for school.
I can't wait for lunch.
Phillip invited me
to sit at his table
with his friends.
But does Phillip's table
really exist?
And when you show up,
will they all disappear?
Well, Niles, it seems
that love is in the air.
Mm.
It's suppose it's time
to have that
birds-and-bees talk.
I would have thought
you'd have done that by now.
Miss Margaret is 14.
Not Maggie.
Oh, don't even say that.
No. I... I meant Miss Fine.
I suspect she knows, sir.
And if I may be so bold,
I'd say she's way ahead of you.
Exactly. That's why I want you,
as the senior member
of my domestic staff,
to make Miss Fine aware
of the rules of the house.
Well, you know
what I'm talking about.
Spell it out for me, sir.
You know, no pets,
no loud music,
no boyfriends in her room.
I understand completely.
Oh, good.
So you'll tell
her?
No bloody way.
How very disobliging of you.
We never had this problem
with the other nannies, did we?
No, sir.
Although, if I recall correctly,
Nanny Carpaugh
was a handsome woman.
That was probably the sideburns.
BOTH:
Ooh!
Good morning, Niles.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, thank you.
I am famished.
Napkin?
Well, well.
No barbs? No wisecracks?
Niles, have you been
taking butler lessons?
I'm lulling you
into a false sense of security.
Where's Maxwell?
He's gone upstairs
to discuss with Miss Fine
the possibility
of having sex in her room.
Miss Fine, do you have a moment?
I hope I'm not intruding.
Sure. Come on in.
My house is your
house.
Oh, yeah. It is.
Take a load off.
Uh, thank you,
but I'd just as soon stand.
Oh, well, can you hold this?
I'm just getting
ready
for my lunch date.
Another date already?
Well, I got to eat.
This is all very awkward.
I've not had
to have this conversation
with the other nannies.
Of course, they weren't nearly
as attractive as you.
Oh, well...
[CLEARS THROAT]
As master of this house,
there are certain things
that I expect.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Maybe I should have read
the fine print.
Oh, no, no, Miss Fine.
You're taking this all wrong.
Here.
I need to talk to you
about your boyfriend.
Oh, I wouldn't call him
my boyfriend.
Well, he is a boy,
and he is your friend.
Mr. Sheffield, are you
sure
you're in the right
room?
I mean, Maggie
is two doors
down.
No, I've already had
this talk with Maggie.
Oh, well, I hope it went better
than this.
No. As a matter of fact,
it didn't.
Miss Fine, what
I'm trying to say
is,
if you are intent
on having a fling,
then there are certain rules
regarding the proper places
for a fling to be flung.
Mm-hmm.
So I take it
the previous nannies
never, uh, "flang"?
No. They were not flingers.
Well, let me just clarify this.
We are talking about
having sex in my
room,
are we not?
Uh, not... No.
Not us.
We already covered that.
I assure you,
Mr. Sheffield,
I would never do anything
to set a bad
example
for the children.
Well, thank you
for that, Miss Fine.
And I appreciate
your discretion.
Oh, well, thank you
for holding my hair.
Oh. Anytime.
If you want,
I can return the favor
and wash that gray away.
How long have you
had that, anyway?
Oh, it came in
about the same time you did.
What a coincidence.
Fran?
Be right there.
Oh, no rush.
No one's going anywhere.
[WHISTLING]
Hi.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Listen, thanks
for meeting me here.
I would've picked you up,
but the car's being used.
Oh, no problem.
No problem.
Here. I'll help
you
close up.
Oh, Steve-a-la!
Are you sure
this is the right place?
Well...
Although this satin lining
looks very comfy.
You know,
that's what I love about you.
You have got the
greatest
sense of humor.
Oh, well, so do you.
Yeah?
You really think
so?
Yeah, considering
your chosen profession.
Well, it wasn't
actually
my choice.
It's a family business
that I just sort of fell into.
Oh, well, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
It's a very respectable
business,
and it doesn't
bother me one bit.
Well, it bothers me.
Fran, I just can't stand
to be around all of this sadness
day in and day out.
Oh, honey, did you make
a wrong career choice.
That's why I'm
going
back to college
to get my degree.
Oh, a professional man.
Nope.
Doctor?
Nope.
Lawyer?
No.
Indian chief?
I'll give you a hint.
You're studying
to be Karl Malden?
No. A clown.
Wha...?
Fran, I'm going
to clown college.
Oh, Fran, don't you get it?
See, I just want
to make people happy.
Oh, Fran, you're not laughing.
I'm laughing.
On the inside,
where it's dry.
All right. Look, look.
I also do balloon animals.
Here. Watch this.
Gee, I hope
it's a four-year college.
I hate men.
Well, take a number.
Take a spoon.
What are you eating?
I guess I'll have
my leftover birthday cake.
Isn't that a little old?
What's your point?
I can't believe Phillip.
What a phony.
I caught him drooling
over some stupid cheerleader.
And after all the coffee
you drank for that man.
I thought
we had something special.
Been there.
I thought I really knew him.
And there.
And then, out of nowhere,
he hits me with this.
It's like I've had cold water
thrown in my face.
I know exactly how you feel.
Picturing yourself married,
living in a split-level
in Long Island
with three kids
and an El Dorado
in the driveway.
No.
But I did have hopes
for the weekend.
Hello, ladies.
Ice cream? Cake?
Man trouble?
I hate Phillip.
I'm never talking to him again.
Miss Margaret,
it's Master Phillip.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Ah, youth.
You know, Fran,
when I'm depressed,
it always makes me feel better
to help other people.
I have an essay
I'd be willing
to let you write for
me.
Brighton, my darling,
I'm at your beck and call.
I'll be home every night.
I have no life.
We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine.
Oh, we sure are.
So, what, uh, what happened?
Did you find dating a mortician
a bit too macabre?
Oh, I did at first,
but I got used to the idea,
and then he turns out
to be a clown.
How do you mean?
I mean a clown.
In what way?
The usual way...
red hair, baggy pants,
floppy shoes.
Do I have to draw you a picture?
Oh, to think I came this close
to being Mrs. Bozo.
All the world loves a clown.
Why can't you?
Twenty-seven guys
in one little car?
I can't even stand
to share a cab.
Sharing is what marriage
is all about.
What are you looking for,
anyway?
Ma, I'm not asking for much,
just a guy that doesn't
wear
as much makeup as I do.
What are you waiting for?
You think Mr. Right
is just gonna walk right up,
knock on your door,
and say, "Here I am"?
[KNOCKING]
Ah, there you are.
Hello, Sylvia.
Which tie,
the yellow or the green?
Green. It goes better
with your eyes.
Ah, thanks.
Ma, I just want a guy
that I can respect
that respects me.
I'm sorry to bother you again.
It's just, I value your opinion.
Gold or tiger's-eye cuff links?
Gold. Simple. Elegant.
Right.
Who knows, Ma?
I just think
maybe someday he'll come along.
Fran, open your eyes.
Life just doesn't work
like that.
Look at Ronald McDonald.
He's got
his own corporation now.
I'm not gonna spend my nights
polishing big shoes, Ma.
Are you gonna be single
your whole life?
Oh, I can just see the wedding.
He'll slip on a banana peel
while walking down the aisle.
Look at the bright side.
Instead of two rings,
you'll have three.
[GROANS]
Shut the door, Ma.