The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Show Must Go On - full transcript
Fran agrees to direct Grace's school play, but then Maxwell maneuvers his way into her position.
Niles, this steak
is a little tough.
So is life...
and then you die.
Okay, what do you think?
This one
itches,
but I look
taller.
This one
pinches,
but I look
thinner.
Have you ever considered
choosing a wardrobe
based on comfort?
No.
Once you start dressing
for comfort,
the next thing you know,
you're on line
at Pathmark,
wearing orthopedic shoes,
buying Nair.
It is just
a P.T.A.
meeting.
Yeah, well, meanwhile
some of those P's and
T's
could be lonely he's.
You've certainly
got the A for it.
Meanwhile, I don't want
to embarrass Gracie.
You could never embarrass me.
Oh...
Except that time
at the playground
you screamed at Bobby Mitchell
for hogging a swing.
Well, it was my turn.
What do you think, Mags?
Go with the black.
Smaller price tags are
easier to hide,
and you can still return it.
Very good!
At this age,
they're like a sponge.
She's got almost
as much
personality.
Oh, look.
The P.T.A. is planning
their big pageant.
Isn't that right up your alley?
I produce plays for a living.
Why on earth would I want
to
do that in my spare time?
Well, because Grace
is going to be in it.
She is?
I am?
You are.
Come on. It'll be fun.
You'll get to play with all
the other children,
wear makeup, costumes...
Besides, it's a great way
to get guys.
What do I do with them
when I get them?
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Grace performing in public?
Yeah, what's the matter?
Well, for one thing,
she's in therapy twice a week
for being insecure
and introverted.
So is Barbra Streisand,
but meanwhile, she's
getting
a thousand bucks a ticket,
and that's without a beverage.
Liza, we got prime rib.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre
She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Oh, I'm just wild about
this school.
Wasn't it sweet
the way they hung
all the arts and crafts
out in the hall?
I tell you, that Pablo
is a very talented kid.
Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.
An adult did those?
Eh.
Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.
Guess I wore the right outfit.
Miss Fine,
they're looking at
me.
They think just because
I'm a Broadway producer
and I'm at this meeting,
they're gonna rope me
into staging the
pageant.
Uh-oh. Here it comes.
Oh, boy.
I love your outfit. Everybody's
talking about it.
Oh, thank you.
Mr. Sheffield, what a surprise.
I know how busy you are.
Night and day, like a dog,
but never too busy for his kids.
And you are?
This is our nanny,
Miss Fran Fine.
This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's headmistress.
Oh, head mistress, huh?
Honey, you're
living
in a dream world.
No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.
[CLEARS THROAT]
We're about to begin,
Mr. Sheffield.
Why don't you just have
a seat here
on the front row next to me?
Hmm. Teacher's pet, huh?
Attention, everyone.
In a wonderful coincidence,
we are here to discuss
this year's school pageant,
and we have amongst us
the esteemed Broadway producer
Maxwell Sheffield.
I'm your greatest fan.
That shade of lipstick
looks great on your butt.
Miss Fine, would you care
to share that with everyone?
No, Miss Trusdale.
And now to the business at hand.
We need a volunteer
to serve as director
for this year's pageant,
Mother Goose's Broadway.
Here it comes.
Well, it wouldn't hurt
you
to get involved.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield can?
Suggest someone?
Oh, yes, I'd be delighted to.
I'd like to
suggest
Miss Fran Fine.
Oh, me?
Her?
I don't know anything
about theater.
Remarkably,
that's never stopped you
from doing anything.
Well, I did play Hodel
in the third-grade
production of
Fiddler.
No, no, if Mr. Sheffield
is busy,
I'm sure one
of the other parents
is eager to volunteer
for this exciting challenge.
TheFlushing Observer
"Fran Fine was a standout
as Tevye's lost but heavily
made-up daughter."
Anyone at all,
just raise your hand.
The time to raise your hand
would be now.
How about you, Miss Fine?
Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept,
and I just want to thank you all
for your confidence in me.
I only hope I can live
up to your expec...
[THUMPS]
Moving on!
Tations.
FRAN: Hey, hey, hey.
No running.
You can poke somebody's eye out.
I just gave my first piece
of direction.
Hmm. And I was there.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
You ate yesterday!
Fat girls don't get leads.
[GASPS]
Good God!
I just had a horrible flashback
to thoseAnnie 2 auditions.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Oh.
Back!
Back.
Keep moving, Maxwell.
They're small, but they're
dangerous when they swarm.
Okay, everybody.
I want my dancing daisies
over here,
my singing mushrooms over there.
Daisies, mushrooms.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, you, you.
You're not a flower.
You're a fungus.
Miss Fine,
where's the sign-up sheet?
The what?
Well, you really ought
to have a sign-up sheet.
Oh, it isn't necessary.
This is just a kids' play.
What do we do with our music?
Oh, give it to the accompanist.
You do have an accompanist.
Oh, yes, yes.
Of course we do.
Uh, Maggie,
get off the phone and go sit
at the piano.
Okay.
Hey, big guy.
Excuse me?
I hear you're
close
to the director.
Fran? Oh, she works for us.
Gee, I'd do
anything
to play the lead,
and I do mean anything.
Does your mother know
you're saying this?
Oh, yeah. She wrote
it
down for me. See?
And now I'm supposed
to kiss you!
Sing, Bernard.
Sing, Bernard!
Sing!
That's okay, Bernard.
That's okay. We'll make you
a mushroom.
Shiitake.
Okay, next we're going
to audition
for the first-grade number.
Now, this scene opens up
the whole pageant.
Gracie, you're on.
[IN TIMID VOICE]
♪♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the water spout ♪♪
Sing it, Gracie!
[LOUDER]
♪♪ Down came the rain
And washed the spider out ♪♪
One more time.
♪♪ Out came the sun ♪♪
♪♪ And dried up all the rain ♪♪
Bring it home!
♪♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the spout again ♪♪
Oh, wonderful,
wonderful, my darling!
Wasn't she wonderful?
Mm!
WOMAN: We're next.
Oh.
Come on, dear.
Now stand right here,
sweetheart. Smile.
All right,
and one and two and three...
Tempo!
[PLAYS PIANO]
♪♪ Johnny could only
Sing one note ♪♪
♪♪ And the note
He sang was this ♪♪
♪♪ Ah... ♪♪
Thank you.
[NOTE CONTINUES]
Thank you!
[NOTE CONTINUES]
[SCREAMS]
Thank you!
Thank you.
That was very nice.
Sit down, honey.
Well, I don't even think
there's a question, do you?
It's Gracie by a mile!
Miss Fine, how could you
possibly make that choice?
This other girl was phenomenal!
What do I care
about that little girl?
Am I her nanny?
No, you're
the director. You're
supposed to cast actors
according to talent,
not on who they know.
What show business
are you working in?
Besides, look at Gracie.
She's already
so confident and outgoing.
Have you ever seen her so happy?
Daddy, I got the part!
They like me.
They really like me.
Aw.
I suppose it was
the right choice.
I'll work with her.
Sure.
FRAN: And touch and step
and touch and step...
And turn, turn, turn,
cross, and squat.
Very, very good.
Now, help Miss Fine up.
Oy!
Thank you.
Meanwhile, these pantyhose
have a life of their own.
Mr. Sheffield,
you've
decided to help
after
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not here to direct the show.
I'm just here to support
my little girl.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
Hi, Daddy!
Hello. How's it going?
Oh, fabulous. The kids
are having a great time.
Stanley, stop biting my leg.
What did you think
of the number?
Well, why, uh...
Why are they all wearing
paper bags on their heads?
They're mushroom caps.
Ah.
Who did the wardrobe, A&P?
Maybe.
I had a choice of paper
or plastic,
but you know, they tend
to discourage
plastic bags on kids' heads.
Well, I suppose
it'll all come together
once the set's up.
The set is up.
Hmm.
You know,
not to discourage
your input here,
but, uh, well,
I kind of have a vision going.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield could
just fine-tune the costumes.
And the scenery.
And the lights.
Maybe tell the actors
where to stand.
And how to deliver their lines.
I'm not an expert
on theatrical terminology,
but, uh...
Wouldn't that be
considered directing?
All right, if you insist.
Gracie, honey, Daddy's
going to direct.
Yoo-hoo, aren't you forgetting
just one thing?
Oh, all right, I'll do
the choreography too.
Well, what about Fran?
Yeah. What about Fran?
You could be the producer.
That's right.
Congratulations!
Yes, congratulations.
Now, Miss Trusdale,
I see a follow spot
and a low French horn.
Yes!
Just wailing out...
Shouldn't the producer
be in on this?
We'll do lunch.
♪♪ Mary had a little lamb ♪♪
♪♪ Its fleece was
white as snow ♪♪
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
Thank you!
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
MAXWELL: Thank you!
Andrea, love, you're
not blending in.
You're upstaging everyone.
My mother says my voice
is a gift.
Well, return it.
Uh, second... second flower,
Where are you going?
Get back in line.
She has to make.
She has to make what?
A doody.
Very well. Carry on.
MAXWELL: Grace.
Sweetheart, you're
not relating to your lamb.
You see, you have
to listen to the lyrics.
The lamb follows you
everywhere you go.
You're very attached to it.
I don't get it.
The lamb's co-dependent.
Oh.
All right. Once more
from the top.
This time just Grace.
[IN SMALL VOICE]
♪♪ Mary had a little... ♪♪
We're forgetting everything!
All right.
We'll work on it later.
Go on. Take five.
Not you, Grace.
You better work
on your time step.
Oh, these amateurs.
Where are the great child actors
when you need them?
Robbing 7-Elevens.
Careful, Gracie.
Wouldn't want to fall off
the stage.
Andrea, got a cookie.
Fetch.
It was more fun when
you were directing.
I know.
Can I get you anything?
Juice... and to beep
my therapist.
Oh.
[SHOES TAPPING]
Oh, she's been
tapping for
hours.
I'll tell you, it's a crime.
I'll say. I just waxed
the floor.
She's like the Energizer rabbit.
She just keeps going and going.
The vacuum cleaner is destroyed.
Hoover doesn't make
a gummi bear attachment.
Nothing that she does
is good enough.
What is the
matter
with that man?
Doesn't he believe in nepotism?
I mean, where would
Lorna Luft be today?
Did you ever try to get
Bazooka out of brocade?
[TAPPING CONTINUES]
Wait a minute. What's that?
I believe it's Morse code.
S... O... S.
She needs my help.
I gotta talk
to Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what you're doing.
An ice cube will lift
that gum right up.
Hmm.
Of course I've always wanted
to direct as well,
and I find the children's
theater genre
absolutely fascinating.
How do you spell genre?
Mr. Sheffield,
can I have a word
with you, please?
Well, I'm in the middle
of an interview, Miss Fine.
Oh. Take your time.
[HUMS]
Could you give us
a minute, please?
Okay, but don't keep me waiting.
I'm also the reviewer.
Make sure on show night
we have plenty of cookies
backstage for the press.
Mr. Sheffield,
aren't you taking this
a little too seriously?
Absolutely not.
Excuse me, sir.
Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.
You have the Phantom orchestra.
Yes!
Well, you're the one
who wanted me to get involved.
Yes, I know,
but you're working these kids
entirely too hard,
especially Gracie.
Oh, my father pushed me,
and look where I am today.
Three thousand miles
and an ocean away.
I'm telling you,
you're turning her into
a regular Lennie Scheinbaum.
Miss Fine, please spare me.
All right.
[HUMMING]
Okay, who's Lennie Scheinbaum?
His father made him so nervous
about taking over
the family
business
that he started pulling
his hair out of his head
and was bald by the time
he was 15.
Although he did become C.E.O.
for the largest linoleum chain
in the tri-state area.
Did I mention he was
interested in me?
See, I knew
I shouldn't have asked.
I'm giving you pearls here.
I'm telling you, if you
don't stop pushing her,
Gracie's gonna grow up
to resent her father.
Nonsense.
Oh, that's what
Lennie's father thought
until Lennie shipped him off
to the Lincoln Tunnel
retirement home...
Jersey view.
Well, unlike the ingrate
Scheinbaum,
Grace appreciates that
I just want her to be the best.
You know,
this was supposed
to be a fun experience,
but instead she's upstairs
tapping her brains out
like some kind
of a deranged Ann Miller.
That's redundant.
Miss Fine, you're overreacting.
I suppose this
doesn't
have anything to do
with my replacing
you
as director.
Oh, well,
if that isn't the most
insulting, petty thing
I ever heard.
Besides, I wasn't replaced.
I was promoted to producer.
Sucker.
Mr. Sheffield, can the producer
fire the director?
Yes.
Oh?
As easily as a father
can fire the nanny.
Oh.
Are you the usher?
No. I'm the producer.
Let me see your tickets.
Lady...
will you wipe my nose?
No.
[SNIFFLES]
Don't you have any parents?
Yeah, but they're busy.
J.B. Binghamton,
the investment banker,
is your father?
Yes.
Blow.
I can't believe Dad
made us come.
This is gonna be so lame.
Children, this is your
sister's big night.
I think we should
all support her.
I brought cards.
I'll deal.
Miss Fine? Uh, we, uh,
we have a bit of a crisis.
Grace is refusing to go on.
I... I think it's stage fright.
Oh, well, I wonder why.
You've made the stage
such a warm and loving place.
I need your help.
You need to speak with her.
Me, talk to the actors?
Why, isn't that
the director's job?
MAXWELL: What?
Well, what?
You want me to
admit I was wrong?
Oh, you think I'm that small?
Turns out I am.
Fine. I was wrong.
I'll hang myself later.
Look, all I wanted was for Grace
to go out on that stage
and have everyone love her.
Honey, she doesn't care
if everyone loves her.
All she cares is
if you love her.
I'm turning into
Lennie Scheinbaum's father.
Worse. My own.
I swore I'd never be like him.
Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.
I myself have to fight the urge
to wash out gefilte fish jars
and use them as glasses.
Hmm.
She's in here.
Um, Gracie, honey.
Aw.
I can't work with that man.
Oh.
Grace, sweetheart,
I'm... I'm sorry
I was such an
ogre.
I didn't mean to
push you so hard.
Look...
you're more important to me
than any silly play.
I'm so proud of you
whether you go on or not.
Thank you, Daddy.
[CHUCKLES]
Because I really don't wanna
go on.
Are you insane?
The house is full.
We've got a critic out there.
The whole show rests
on your shoulders.
Paging Mr. Scheinbaum.
Sorry.
Wrong again.
Oh, sweetheart, it's just that
you've worked so
hard
at this show,
and I really think
you could be
brilliant.
I'm sorry,
Daddy.
I just can't.
Miss Fine?
Yeah.
The one time I'd like you
to butt in.
Hey, I'm with her.
Who needs it?
All those people looking at you,
all the lights in your eye...
Oh, the whole thing's
a turn-off.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
You know what, honey?
Don't worry.
The show will go on.
Andrea knows all of your lines.
She will take your place.
Over my dead body.
Hold the curtain!
Makeup!
That's why they call me
the producer.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Lexington
Academy's annual pageant,
a Maxwell Sheffield production.
WOMAN: Oh, yay!
[FULL ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[SMALL VOICE]
♪♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the water spout ♪♪
♪♪ Down came the rain
And washed the spider out ♪♪
My God, she has
got something, hasn't she?
Yeah. Guts.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the reviews are in.
Oh, let me see.
What do they say?
Well, they loved Gracie.
and they said the programs
were neatly folded...
That was me.
Y-yeah, what did they say
about the production?
Oh, "not sinceHudson Hawk
has there been such a...
overproduced,
underdirected
piece of dreck."
Hack.
Oh, that's all
right,
Mr. Sheffield.
Next year you could
fold the programs.
is a little tough.
So is life...
and then you die.
Okay, what do you think?
This one
itches,
but I look
taller.
This one
pinches,
but I look
thinner.
Have you ever considered
choosing a wardrobe
based on comfort?
No.
Once you start dressing
for comfort,
the next thing you know,
you're on line
at Pathmark,
wearing orthopedic shoes,
buying Nair.
It is just
a P.T.A.
meeting.
Yeah, well, meanwhile
some of those P's and
T's
could be lonely he's.
You've certainly
got the A for it.
Meanwhile, I don't want
to embarrass Gracie.
You could never embarrass me.
Oh...
Except that time
at the playground
you screamed at Bobby Mitchell
for hogging a swing.
Well, it was my turn.
What do you think, Mags?
Go with the black.
Smaller price tags are
easier to hide,
and you can still return it.
Very good!
At this age,
they're like a sponge.
She's got almost
as much
personality.
Oh, look.
The P.T.A. is planning
their big pageant.
Isn't that right up your alley?
I produce plays for a living.
Why on earth would I want
to
do that in my spare time?
Well, because Grace
is going to be in it.
She is?
I am?
You are.
Come on. It'll be fun.
You'll get to play with all
the other children,
wear makeup, costumes...
Besides, it's a great way
to get guys.
What do I do with them
when I get them?
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Grace performing in public?
Yeah, what's the matter?
Well, for one thing,
she's in therapy twice a week
for being insecure
and introverted.
So is Barbra Streisand,
but meanwhile, she's
getting
a thousand bucks a ticket,
and that's without a beverage.
Liza, we got prime rib.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre
She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Oh, I'm just wild about
this school.
Wasn't it sweet
the way they hung
all the arts and crafts
out in the hall?
I tell you, that Pablo
is a very talented kid.
Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.
An adult did those?
Eh.
Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.
Guess I wore the right outfit.
Miss Fine,
they're looking at
me.
They think just because
I'm a Broadway producer
and I'm at this meeting,
they're gonna rope me
into staging the
pageant.
Uh-oh. Here it comes.
Oh, boy.
I love your outfit. Everybody's
talking about it.
Oh, thank you.
Mr. Sheffield, what a surprise.
I know how busy you are.
Night and day, like a dog,
but never too busy for his kids.
And you are?
This is our nanny,
Miss Fran Fine.
This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's headmistress.
Oh, head mistress, huh?
Honey, you're
living
in a dream world.
No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.
[CLEARS THROAT]
We're about to begin,
Mr. Sheffield.
Why don't you just have
a seat here
on the front row next to me?
Hmm. Teacher's pet, huh?
Attention, everyone.
In a wonderful coincidence,
we are here to discuss
this year's school pageant,
and we have amongst us
the esteemed Broadway producer
Maxwell Sheffield.
I'm your greatest fan.
That shade of lipstick
looks great on your butt.
Miss Fine, would you care
to share that with everyone?
No, Miss Trusdale.
And now to the business at hand.
We need a volunteer
to serve as director
for this year's pageant,
Mother Goose's Broadway.
Here it comes.
Well, it wouldn't hurt
you
to get involved.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield can?
Suggest someone?
Oh, yes, I'd be delighted to.
I'd like to
suggest
Miss Fran Fine.
Oh, me?
Her?
I don't know anything
about theater.
Remarkably,
that's never stopped you
from doing anything.
Well, I did play Hodel
in the third-grade
production of
Fiddler.
No, no, if Mr. Sheffield
is busy,
I'm sure one
of the other parents
is eager to volunteer
for this exciting challenge.
TheFlushing Observer
"Fran Fine was a standout
as Tevye's lost but heavily
made-up daughter."
Anyone at all,
just raise your hand.
The time to raise your hand
would be now.
How about you, Miss Fine?
Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept,
and I just want to thank you all
for your confidence in me.
I only hope I can live
up to your expec...
[THUMPS]
Moving on!
Tations.
FRAN: Hey, hey, hey.
No running.
You can poke somebody's eye out.
I just gave my first piece
of direction.
Hmm. And I was there.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
You ate yesterday!
Fat girls don't get leads.
[GASPS]
Good God!
I just had a horrible flashback
to thoseAnnie 2 auditions.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Oh.
Back!
Back.
Keep moving, Maxwell.
They're small, but they're
dangerous when they swarm.
Okay, everybody.
I want my dancing daisies
over here,
my singing mushrooms over there.
Daisies, mushrooms.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, you, you.
You're not a flower.
You're a fungus.
Miss Fine,
where's the sign-up sheet?
The what?
Well, you really ought
to have a sign-up sheet.
Oh, it isn't necessary.
This is just a kids' play.
What do we do with our music?
Oh, give it to the accompanist.
You do have an accompanist.
Oh, yes, yes.
Of course we do.
Uh, Maggie,
get off the phone and go sit
at the piano.
Okay.
Hey, big guy.
Excuse me?
I hear you're
close
to the director.
Fran? Oh, she works for us.
Gee, I'd do
anything
to play the lead,
and I do mean anything.
Does your mother know
you're saying this?
Oh, yeah. She wrote
it
down for me. See?
And now I'm supposed
to kiss you!
Sing, Bernard.
Sing, Bernard!
Sing!
That's okay, Bernard.
That's okay. We'll make you
a mushroom.
Shiitake.
Okay, next we're going
to audition
for the first-grade number.
Now, this scene opens up
the whole pageant.
Gracie, you're on.
[IN TIMID VOICE]
♪♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the water spout ♪♪
Sing it, Gracie!
[LOUDER]
♪♪ Down came the rain
And washed the spider out ♪♪
One more time.
♪♪ Out came the sun ♪♪
♪♪ And dried up all the rain ♪♪
Bring it home!
♪♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the spout again ♪♪
Oh, wonderful,
wonderful, my darling!
Wasn't she wonderful?
Mm!
WOMAN: We're next.
Oh.
Come on, dear.
Now stand right here,
sweetheart. Smile.
All right,
and one and two and three...
Tempo!
[PLAYS PIANO]
♪♪ Johnny could only
Sing one note ♪♪
♪♪ And the note
He sang was this ♪♪
♪♪ Ah... ♪♪
Thank you.
[NOTE CONTINUES]
Thank you!
[NOTE CONTINUES]
[SCREAMS]
Thank you!
Thank you.
That was very nice.
Sit down, honey.
Well, I don't even think
there's a question, do you?
It's Gracie by a mile!
Miss Fine, how could you
possibly make that choice?
This other girl was phenomenal!
What do I care
about that little girl?
Am I her nanny?
No, you're
the director. You're
supposed to cast actors
according to talent,
not on who they know.
What show business
are you working in?
Besides, look at Gracie.
She's already
so confident and outgoing.
Have you ever seen her so happy?
Daddy, I got the part!
They like me.
They really like me.
Aw.
I suppose it was
the right choice.
I'll work with her.
Sure.
FRAN: And touch and step
and touch and step...
And turn, turn, turn,
cross, and squat.
Very, very good.
Now, help Miss Fine up.
Oy!
Thank you.
Meanwhile, these pantyhose
have a life of their own.
Mr. Sheffield,
you've
decided to help
after
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not here to direct the show.
I'm just here to support
my little girl.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
Hi, Daddy!
Hello. How's it going?
Oh, fabulous. The kids
are having a great time.
Stanley, stop biting my leg.
What did you think
of the number?
Well, why, uh...
Why are they all wearing
paper bags on their heads?
They're mushroom caps.
Ah.
Who did the wardrobe, A&P?
Maybe.
I had a choice of paper
or plastic,
but you know, they tend
to discourage
plastic bags on kids' heads.
Well, I suppose
it'll all come together
once the set's up.
The set is up.
Hmm.
You know,
not to discourage
your input here,
but, uh, well,
I kind of have a vision going.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield could
just fine-tune the costumes.
And the scenery.
And the lights.
Maybe tell the actors
where to stand.
And how to deliver their lines.
I'm not an expert
on theatrical terminology,
but, uh...
Wouldn't that be
considered directing?
All right, if you insist.
Gracie, honey, Daddy's
going to direct.
Yoo-hoo, aren't you forgetting
just one thing?
Oh, all right, I'll do
the choreography too.
Well, what about Fran?
Yeah. What about Fran?
You could be the producer.
That's right.
Congratulations!
Yes, congratulations.
Now, Miss Trusdale,
I see a follow spot
and a low French horn.
Yes!
Just wailing out...
Shouldn't the producer
be in on this?
We'll do lunch.
♪♪ Mary had a little lamb ♪♪
♪♪ Its fleece was
white as snow ♪♪
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
Thank you!
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
MAXWELL: Thank you!
Andrea, love, you're
not blending in.
You're upstaging everyone.
My mother says my voice
is a gift.
Well, return it.
Uh, second... second flower,
Where are you going?
Get back in line.
She has to make.
She has to make what?
A doody.
Very well. Carry on.
MAXWELL: Grace.
Sweetheart, you're
not relating to your lamb.
You see, you have
to listen to the lyrics.
The lamb follows you
everywhere you go.
You're very attached to it.
I don't get it.
The lamb's co-dependent.
Oh.
All right. Once more
from the top.
This time just Grace.
[IN SMALL VOICE]
♪♪ Mary had a little... ♪♪
We're forgetting everything!
All right.
We'll work on it later.
Go on. Take five.
Not you, Grace.
You better work
on your time step.
Oh, these amateurs.
Where are the great child actors
when you need them?
Robbing 7-Elevens.
Careful, Gracie.
Wouldn't want to fall off
the stage.
Andrea, got a cookie.
Fetch.
It was more fun when
you were directing.
I know.
Can I get you anything?
Juice... and to beep
my therapist.
Oh.
[SHOES TAPPING]
Oh, she's been
tapping for
hours.
I'll tell you, it's a crime.
I'll say. I just waxed
the floor.
She's like the Energizer rabbit.
She just keeps going and going.
The vacuum cleaner is destroyed.
Hoover doesn't make
a gummi bear attachment.
Nothing that she does
is good enough.
What is the
matter
with that man?
Doesn't he believe in nepotism?
I mean, where would
Lorna Luft be today?
Did you ever try to get
Bazooka out of brocade?
[TAPPING CONTINUES]
Wait a minute. What's that?
I believe it's Morse code.
S... O... S.
She needs my help.
I gotta talk
to Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what you're doing.
An ice cube will lift
that gum right up.
Hmm.
Of course I've always wanted
to direct as well,
and I find the children's
theater genre
absolutely fascinating.
How do you spell genre?
Mr. Sheffield,
can I have a word
with you, please?
Well, I'm in the middle
of an interview, Miss Fine.
Oh. Take your time.
[HUMS]
Could you give us
a minute, please?
Okay, but don't keep me waiting.
I'm also the reviewer.
Make sure on show night
we have plenty of cookies
backstage for the press.
Mr. Sheffield,
aren't you taking this
a little too seriously?
Absolutely not.
Excuse me, sir.
Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.
You have the Phantom orchestra.
Yes!
Well, you're the one
who wanted me to get involved.
Yes, I know,
but you're working these kids
entirely too hard,
especially Gracie.
Oh, my father pushed me,
and look where I am today.
Three thousand miles
and an ocean away.
I'm telling you,
you're turning her into
a regular Lennie Scheinbaum.
Miss Fine, please spare me.
All right.
[HUMMING]
Okay, who's Lennie Scheinbaum?
His father made him so nervous
about taking over
the family
business
that he started pulling
his hair out of his head
and was bald by the time
he was 15.
Although he did become C.E.O.
for the largest linoleum chain
in the tri-state area.
Did I mention he was
interested in me?
See, I knew
I shouldn't have asked.
I'm giving you pearls here.
I'm telling you, if you
don't stop pushing her,
Gracie's gonna grow up
to resent her father.
Nonsense.
Oh, that's what
Lennie's father thought
until Lennie shipped him off
to the Lincoln Tunnel
retirement home...
Jersey view.
Well, unlike the ingrate
Scheinbaum,
Grace appreciates that
I just want her to be the best.
You know,
this was supposed
to be a fun experience,
but instead she's upstairs
tapping her brains out
like some kind
of a deranged Ann Miller.
That's redundant.
Miss Fine, you're overreacting.
I suppose this
doesn't
have anything to do
with my replacing
you
as director.
Oh, well,
if that isn't the most
insulting, petty thing
I ever heard.
Besides, I wasn't replaced.
I was promoted to producer.
Sucker.
Mr. Sheffield, can the producer
fire the director?
Yes.
Oh?
As easily as a father
can fire the nanny.
Oh.
Are you the usher?
No. I'm the producer.
Let me see your tickets.
Lady...
will you wipe my nose?
No.
[SNIFFLES]
Don't you have any parents?
Yeah, but they're busy.
J.B. Binghamton,
the investment banker,
is your father?
Yes.
Blow.
I can't believe Dad
made us come.
This is gonna be so lame.
Children, this is your
sister's big night.
I think we should
all support her.
I brought cards.
I'll deal.
Miss Fine? Uh, we, uh,
we have a bit of a crisis.
Grace is refusing to go on.
I... I think it's stage fright.
Oh, well, I wonder why.
You've made the stage
such a warm and loving place.
I need your help.
You need to speak with her.
Me, talk to the actors?
Why, isn't that
the director's job?
MAXWELL: What?
Well, what?
You want me to
admit I was wrong?
Oh, you think I'm that small?
Turns out I am.
Fine. I was wrong.
I'll hang myself later.
Look, all I wanted was for Grace
to go out on that stage
and have everyone love her.
Honey, she doesn't care
if everyone loves her.
All she cares is
if you love her.
I'm turning into
Lennie Scheinbaum's father.
Worse. My own.
I swore I'd never be like him.
Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.
I myself have to fight the urge
to wash out gefilte fish jars
and use them as glasses.
Hmm.
She's in here.
Um, Gracie, honey.
Aw.
I can't work with that man.
Oh.
Grace, sweetheart,
I'm... I'm sorry
I was such an
ogre.
I didn't mean to
push you so hard.
Look...
you're more important to me
than any silly play.
I'm so proud of you
whether you go on or not.
Thank you, Daddy.
[CHUCKLES]
Because I really don't wanna
go on.
Are you insane?
The house is full.
We've got a critic out there.
The whole show rests
on your shoulders.
Paging Mr. Scheinbaum.
Sorry.
Wrong again.
Oh, sweetheart, it's just that
you've worked so
hard
at this show,
and I really think
you could be
brilliant.
I'm sorry,
Daddy.
I just can't.
Miss Fine?
Yeah.
The one time I'd like you
to butt in.
Hey, I'm with her.
Who needs it?
All those people looking at you,
all the lights in your eye...
Oh, the whole thing's
a turn-off.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
You know what, honey?
Don't worry.
The show will go on.
Andrea knows all of your lines.
She will take your place.
Over my dead body.
Hold the curtain!
Makeup!
That's why they call me
the producer.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Lexington
Academy's annual pageant,
a Maxwell Sheffield production.
WOMAN: Oh, yay!
[FULL ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[SMALL VOICE]
♪♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪♪
♪♪ Went up the water spout ♪♪
♪♪ Down came the rain
And washed the spider out ♪♪
My God, she has
got something, hasn't she?
Yeah. Guts.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the reviews are in.
Oh, let me see.
What do they say?
Well, they loved Gracie.
and they said the programs
were neatly folded...
That was me.
Y-yeah, what did they say
about the production?
Oh, "not sinceHudson Hawk
has there been such a...
overproduced,
underdirected
piece of dreck."
Hack.
Oh, that's all
right,
Mr. Sheffield.
Next year you could
fold the programs.