The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Butler, the Husband, the Wife and Her Mother - full transcript

Come here, mouse.

Come here, little mouse.

Here, little mousey-wousey.

Nothing to be afraid of.

We just want to put you outside.

And then...
we're going to kill you.

Niles, why are
you
being so macho?

It's really unattractiv e.

Yet, somehow, a turn-on.

Miss Fine,
need I point out to you

that the inspectors



from the Professional
Butler Association

are coming Monday
to observe my work

and decide whether
to accept me as a member?

Oh, really?

I thought you were joking.

It sounded so ridiculous.

You know, in a
profound
and important way.

I happen to come from
a long line of butlers,

each one a member.

Until my father,

butler to the Duke of Carlisle,

accidentally
knocked over a vase.

And for that
they kicked him
out?

He was wrestling naked
with the Duchess at the time.



Well, to each his own,
unless Duchess was a sheepdog.

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those
Crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell
makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪

♪♪ She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

All right, children, time to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not going to the museum

in those boots, are you?

My wellies? Yes.

There's a chance of rain.

There's a chance
I'll fall off the chair,

but you don't see me
wearing a seatbelt.

Your point?

What happened?

You're normally soGQ.

Now, suddenly, you're
the Gordon's Fisherman?

Miss Fine,

I didn't hire you
as my fashion
consultant.

I hired you to take
care
of the children.

Well, it's my day off.

I fashion consult on the side.

Your son was just elected
class president.

Don't be an embarrassment to him
on his first day.

Who are you, Billy Carter?

Ah, here he is.

Hail to the chief.

Thank you, thank you.
I am a crook.

I still can't
believe
he got elected.

Why?

Well, that means someone
had to vote for you.

Now, Maggie, you should be
proud of your brother.

He worked very hard
on his campaign.

You wrote his speeches,

came up
with his campaign platform,

and organized
his school bus tour.

He's my Hillary.

Well, it all paid off.

Aren't you glad
I talked you into running?

Mm-hmm.
Now you're a winner,
like your old man.

Did I tell you I was
president
of my house at Eton?

Yes!

Well, I was.

But this is your victory,
and we're all very proud of
you.

President Sheffield.

He's a man of vision
and a leader amongst men.

Thank you.

Now, zip your fly.

So, now we're off to celebrate
Brighton's achievement

by taking in the German
Expressionist show at the Met.

There's a fine line

between reward and punishment
in this house.

I love Edvard Munch's
painting
The Scream.

So, Fran, what are you
doing on your day off?

Well, I'll tell you
what I'm not doing.

I am not having lunch

with my Uncle Jack
and Cousin Marsha,

who are visiting from Boca.

Believe me, an afternoon
with Jack and Marsha...

Well, don't ask.

I don't think I did.

Jack was always trying
to one-up my mother.

We bought a Skylark.
He bought an El Dorado.

We moved to Flushing.
He moved to Florida.

I'm telling you,
she could never win...

Oh, yeah, once.

She grew a mustache before him.

Go, go.
Have a good time.

All right everybody. Come on.

I'll see you later.
Goodbye Fran.

Oh, has Mr. Sheffield gone?

Yeah, they just left,

and, boy, could
they
talk your ear off.

That's too bad.
Lauren Bacall just sent over
some Beluga caviar.

Oh, caviar.

For Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, yeah, of course.

You make the
toast.
I'll write
the thank-you.

Come here, little fish egg.

Come to mama.

Oh.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, darling.

What are you doing here?

I got to tell you
about my lunch
with Jack and Marsha.

And I was having
such a nice day.

So we're sitting, we're eating.

and as usual, Jack is going
on and on about Marsha...

Marsha and her doctor husband,

Marsha and her four-carat
solitaire,

Marsha and her beachfront
property

right next to Dan Marino.

Who the hell is Dan Marino?

How the hell should I know?

Anyway, I was just
about to scream

when they asked me about you.

So I told them that you eloped

with a rich Broadway producer,

and you're living in a
palace
on the Upper East Side.

Oh, Ma, what's
the matter with
you?

What?

You left out the butler.

Meanwhile, how'd they take
the good news? Crushed?

Devastated.

Better.

You should have seen the look
on their face.

I would have liked to.

You will.

Oh, no.

No way, Ma.
Where are they?

Looking for a place to park.

Oh, good. They found one.

Oh, forget it, Ma.
I'm not doing this.

Fine.
That's your
choice.

It's good to have choices.

Not that I had a choice

when I was in labor with you

for 10 hours...

With that big head.

Sorry.
It won't happen again.

Darling, do it for me.

It'll shut Jack up
once and for all.

Oh, Ma, is it really
so important to you

that I have to pretend to
be
something I'm not?

Would you?

No!

Hi!

So you caught a husband!

Thank God you're not
an old maid anymore.

Welcome to my home!

Huh, Jack, huh?

Is this a palace?

She's living
like Siegfried and
Roy.

Not bad.

How many square feet?

Oh, we don't get into all that.

As long as we're
comfortable,
that's all that matters.

Your place is what, darling?

3,800.

Ours is 38,000.

The upstairs is enormous.

I'd put out a spread,

but, um,
the butler is off today.

The butler, Jack.

Yeah, I heard, Syl.

Well, this has
just been
fabulous,

but, you know, if you
guys
missed your flight,

I'd just never forgive myself.

Fran, you don't think
we'd go home

before we met the lucky man.

You mean you want
to meet Mr. Sheffield?

You call your
husband
Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, well,
that's just a pet
name,

you know... Shef, Sheffie.

Chef Boy-ar-dee.

Ma, stay out of my private life.

Anyway, unfortunately,

Maxwell is at a rehearsal.

He's rehearsing
"Sunday In The Park
With George",

so he won't be home till Monday.

Ma, is there oxygen
on your planet?

Aunt Sylvia,
you are such a
kidder.

We'll wait.

You mean, you're just gonna
stay
here until he comes home?

We got full-fare
tickets,
no restrictions.

We can stay forever.

I'm just going to run
down to the bank.

Honey, you're home!

Beg your pardon?

The rehearsal went quick, huh?

These are my relatives
from Boca.

Oh,
Sheffie,
stop it!

He is so naughty.

You're Mr. Sheffield,
I'm your wife,

and we're deliriously happy.

Ahem. This is a big favor
you're asking.

So was keeping my mouth shut

about the crack
in the Ming vase.

Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

Jack Norman, realtor.

How do you do?
I'm Marsha.
So nice to meet you.

Likewise, and you are?

Your mother-in-law.

Oh, right! Ha,
ha,
ha! Of course!

I was drunk at the wedding.

How are you, Mumsy?

So, Max...

Max!
Oh, that's me.

I take it business is very good?

Oh, yes, too good.

Yes, I curse every moment

I'm away
from my beautiful
bride.

Oh, Shef.

Of course, I hobnob
with the rich and famous,

but the only time
I'm truly happy

is when I'm with her.

She's my center, my
compass,
the light of my life.

Sorry. Sometimes
I just get swept up in the
magic that is Fran.

Well, who could blame you?

So, where are your kids?

I want to meet your kids.

Or should I say his kids,

because, you know, they're
not
the fruit of your womb.

Yeah, that's why this womb
could still wear a bikini.

Unfortunately,

the children,
who adore my sweet Fran,

went to the museum.

They're very cultured.

They're off by themselves?

In this city?

Marsha, please.

What kind of a mother
do you think I am?

They're with, um...

Who are they with?

Niles, the butler.

I thought it was his day off.

It is, but it's, uh,

what do they call it again?

I can't wait to hear.

Uh... Butler
Day
at the museum.

Butler Day?

Sure. Bring a butler,
get a free beverage.

Ah.

Oh, please, babe,
you always get the
door.

Let me wait on you for a change.

Oh...

Who are you?

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

We're from the Professional
Butlers' Association.

We're here to observe Niles.

May we come in?

In here? Now? Oy.

I thought you guys
weren't supposed
to be here till Monday.

But it's our policy
to show up early

to catch the prospective member
unawares.

But,
unfortunately,
Niles isn't here,

is he, darling?

Uh, no, darling.
I'm afraid Niles is out.

Well, y'all come
back
and see us, y'hear?

Actually, darling,
that might not be good.

If they came back
to observe Niles,

they might confuse him
with someone else.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, what the hell. Come in.

We'll tell you
everything you need
to know about Niles.

I take it, sir,

you are the master of the house?

Apparently.

These guys are from
the Butlers'
Association,

and they want to talk to me...

and him... Max,

about our butler,
Niles,
who isn't here.

Ma, you got a Rolaids?

Are you fellows also butlers?

Yes, we are.

Well, I'm surprised
you're not at the
museum.

You're not gonna believe this.

They closed the museum
because of a bomb threat.

Huh, What kind of a world
are we living in?

Here.

And who is this person?

That would be...
Niles, the butler.

I leave this
house
for just 20
minutes,

and I come back

to some bizarre
parallel universe.

You're me, I'm you,

and you're married to her.

He could do worse.

And I have.

Please, sir, I would be
the last to coerce you...

Coerce, coerce.

I would point out
that if Miss Fine's relations

see through our little charade,

they'll never let her forget it,

or her poor mother.

And if you don't do this
for Niles,

he'll never get into
the Butlers' Association,

and his family name
will be mud forever.

By the way, Niles,
what is your family name?

It's just
Niles...
Like Cher.

The important thing is,
your employees are bonding.

It's a beautiful thing.

Yes.

Perhaps you'll get
your next job together.

Father, I think we should
go along with it.

Fran and Niles
do so much for us.

It's the least
we can do for them.

Oh, how sweet.

And I get to boss Daddy around.

It's absurd.

I'm not doing it,
and that's final.

Speaking as an elected official,

what we have here
is domestic gridlock.

A failure
of the Executive Branch

and the House to work together.

I still can't believe
someone voted for you.

No, no.

Brighton's thinking is good,

his point being
that what we need here

is a compromise.

Meaning I do what you want,
and compromise my integrity.

That's democracy in action.

- All in favor?
- Aye!

Look, if you can pull off
this charade, fine,

but I'll have no part in it,

and neither will the children.

So you're saying
we have no rights.

None whatsoever.

Just checking.

I am so parched.

You got something to drink?

Niles.

Sorry. You got something
to drink, Niles?

Uh, where's he going?

I believe
somebody asked for a drink.

Uh, there are
drinks
in the kitchen.

Please help yourselves.

Such insolence.

How can you put up with it?

Well, we've been
together
for many years.

Many, many years.

It's a question of loyalty.

And friendship.

You can't really
blame the butler.

After all,
the help reflects
the hostess,

and let's face it,

poor Franny here
is in way over her head.

Will that be crushed
ice
or cubes, sir?

All right, Dad...
ee-o...
my butler,

with whom I have
a cool, kinda hepcat,

kinda beatnik...

Shut up, Brighton.

Thank you.

Ahem.

I apologize
for a momentary
lapse.

The bomb scare must have
rattled my nerves.

Yeah, he's been a wreck
ever since

all that unpleasantness
in the Falklands.

Ah, you saw action too.
What ship were you on?

The other one.

Oh, Niles...
The butler?

Yes, Grace?

I love this.

While you're at it,
how about some ice cream?

Will there be anything else?

Can I have a soda?

We can have anything we want.

He's Niles, the butler.

Oh, Niles, do you
know
what I'm thinking?

What, Brighton?

That's Master Brighton.

I'll be having my ice cream
in the soda,

and a round of Oreos
for my friends.

I don't think your father

would approve
of all these sweets

in the middle of the day.

Well, that's not really
your call,

is it, Niles, old man?

Can we, Daddy, please?

Oh, just this once.

You're the coolest, Dad.

She never says that to me.

That's because
you're
Niles, the butler.

Right.

And a fabulous butler he is.

We'll be the judge of that.

No pressure.

Are these darling children
or what?

Gorgeous.

We're very proud of Brighton.

He was just elected
president of his class.

Aw, shucks, Mommy.

There you go again.

How impressive.

You should see my Libby.

Here she is at
the equestrian
center.

Oh, beautiful smile.

That's Lightning.

That's Libby.

Oh, look. She's got your
nose.
The old one.

Oh, Niles, back again so soon?

Speedy service, as always.

Thank you sir.
All part of being a good
butler.

Oh, he is just a master
at physical comedy.

Yes. Enough, Niles.
You're killing me.

Would you like me to get it?

Oh! No.

I'm the butler.
I'll get it.

What now?

It's probably for you.
Everyone I know is
here.

Hey, Brighton.

Dettman, hi. What are you
doing here?

I came here to invite you
to the inaugural party.

Great! Thanks! Bye.

Hear that, Marsha?

They're throwing a
party
for the president.

Yeah, Brighton,
I wanted you to be
there,

even though I slaughtered you.

What?

Brighton, what's going on here?

Forget it. It's nothing.

No, no, no.

I want to know what
this is all about.

This butler
is a real butt-in-ski.

I lost the election, okay?

You lost?

Brighton?

I knew no one
would vote for
him.

Brighton, I just
don't understand.

Why would you say
you won if you
lost?

It seemed really
important to you.

Maybe it was all that talk

about you being
president at Eton.

I just mentioned it in passing.

Well, 15 or 20 times.

I just wanted you to think
I was a winner, like you.

Angel, nobody wins all the time.

For every hit your father has,

he's had a ton of flops,
am I right?

Well, I suppose...

How many flops have you had?

I really couldn't say.

Well, a ballpark.
How many flops?

I think he's got the point.

You know what
I'm getting at, Angel?

Yeah.
We're all a bunch of
losers.

No. Nobody's a loser.

Except my cousin Ira,

but that's another story.

You're a good man, Brighton.

Whatever happens,
you can always
tell me the truth.

Really?
Well, of course.

I mean, what kind of
parent
would want his child

to pretend he's
something he's
not?

My mother.

Excuse me.

Oh, sure.
They got
their own Lear Jet.

They flew me to Pennsylvania

for a Hershey.

Well, I'm lucky if she drives me

to the dog track.

Okay, Ma,
enough with the charade.

Eighty-six it.

I got them
eating
out of my hand.

Give it up, Ma. It's over.

God, you were just like this
with Perot.

From now on,
we're telling the truth.

I'm not married,

this is not my house,

and I'm the nanny here.

And I work for Mister...

Mm, mm, mm...
Sheffield.

You're a nanny?

Did you hear this, Daddy?

She's just a nanny!

Who asked you anyway,
you big green cow?

Maggie.

What?

It's turquoise.

If I may speak
as just the butler,

I was here
before Miss Fine's arrival,

and I can tell you,

she has made this house

more... chaotic,
more contentious...

definitely louder.

Now, she
and Mr. Sheffield

may not always see eye-to-eye,

but at the risk of overstepping,

I don't think I've seen
him or the children

this happy for a very long time.

Oh, thank
you,
Mister...
Niles.

That was a very moving speech.

And totally inappropriate.

I'll decide what's inappropriate

in my home.

I like a bit of
sentiment
among the servants.

Did you hear
that,
Daddy? Servant.

Yeah.
That must really
hurt, Syl.

Oh, shut up, Jack.

At least she's got a job.

I wouldn't trade my Fran

for all the Marshas in Miami.

Now, go get the car.
I'll meet you out front.

It's not
turquoise.
It's emerald.

Well... This has been
a most unusual visit.

But, despite the charade
being played all around you,

you managed
to maintain
your dignity.

Niles, we'd like to welcome you

to the
Professional
Butlers'
Association.

I don't know what to say.

I'm... really
rather
touched.

Oh, I'll get it.

Good afternoon, all.

Oy.

I just had
a fabulous
conversation

with our investors,

and I think I secured
the St. James Theater

for January.

That's wonderful!

Uh, did you hear
that,
Mr. Sheffield?

Yes, I heard,
and I'm very excited.

Niles, Maxwell,
what's going on here?

He's Niles?

He's Mr. Sheffield?

Who are they?

We're from the Professional
Butlers' Association,

and it seems we've been duped.

Hold it a second, boys.

I'd like to know
when the last time

you've seen a boss
go to such lengths

for his butler

and make such a complete
and utter fool of himself.

Not that you weren't adorable.

The nanny has a point.

Yes, and we do need the dues.

You're in!

Oh!

We'll show ourselves out.

We're butlers.
We know
where the door is.

Oh, I feel totally cleansed.

Everything is out in the open.

No more secrets.

Incidentally, Max,
I ran into Lauren Bacall
at the theater,

and she wanted to know
if you got the caviar she
sent.