The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Nuchslep - full transcript
When Fran orders Chinese food, the delivery boy ends up being Eddie, the waiter at Maxwell's investors party who gave Maggie her first ever kiss. Maggie is excited to see Eddie again. Eddie is excited to see Maggie again. Fran is excited until she realizes that she has to tell Maxwell that Maggie and Eddie are planning to go on a date. The only way that Maxwell will let Maggie go on the date is if Fran chaperons. Surprisingly, Maggie is glad that Fran will be there as she's nervous about being alone with a boy on her first ever date. Although Maggie thinks the date went not too well since she was so quiet due to her shyness, Maggie's depression turns to anger when Eddie wants to date Fran instead. Fran needs to clear the air with Maggie, and decides to do so by becoming girlfriends with her instead of the nanny, and the two of them living by the "girlfriend's official code" or OGC as Fran calls it. But the OGC isn't needed when Eddie explains why he wanted to talk to Fran alone. Meanwhile, Maxwell, on hands and knees, gives C.C. an unexpected birthday present.
[NILES SNEEZES]
Ah-choo!
Hey, Niles, are you okay?
Oh, I'm afraid
I'm feeling a bit queer.
Don't ask, don't tell.
But for God's sakes,
come out of the closet.
Ill, Miss Fine.
I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Oh! Oh, you British.
You look like us,
you act like us,
but bottom line,
you're foreigners.
Come here.
Let me take your temperature.
99.3.
I must say,
you have very skillful lips.
Oh, honey, you don't
know the half of it.
Put this down.
Go upstairs, lie down,
and rub on some Vicks.
I will let you know
when dinner's ready.
You?
You?
You?
Yes, me.
Now, go, go.
I'm perfectly capable
of getting dinner on the table.
Hello, Fung Lum's?
Do you deliver?
Okay, well, we want
the family dinner.
Yeah. I feel like shrimp.
Gracie, honey,
what do you feel like?
I feel trapped.
Maybe we should order
the dysfunctional family dinner.
With that,
they promise you shrimp,
and then they don't
give it to you.
MAXWELL: Niles!
Oh, hold on a minute.
The father may be joining us.
This could mean an upgrade
to the imperial feast.
What's going on? Where's Niles?
Oh, he's queer.
So we're doing take-out.
Take-out?
Well, I'm just trying
to expose the children
to other cultures.
We order Chinese food,
they learn
how Jewish people eat.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather
take them to the 21 Club?
Aw!
Aw!
Aw!
Oh, now, kids,
if the man's insisting...
No, no, no.
You have your
fun.
Order Chinese.
Yes!
Just make sure Grace
gets
an optimistic fortune.
All right.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
FRAN:
I don't care
if you're down to your last one.
We waited an hour and a half
for this food.
I should be hungry
again
already.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Finally!
Oh!
Yay!
Ling, this better be you.
Eddie?
Maggie!
I thought this house
looked familiar.
Come on in.
Um, I can't.
I have another order to deliver.
Meanwhile, I waited
an hour and a half.
What's their rush?
Are you that waiter
that kissed Maggie
at Daddy's party?
Good night, Gracie.
You know,
Maggie never stops
talking about you.
Sometimes... ow!
Fran, Maggie kicked me.
It wasn't Maggie.
Go. Start without us.
Ew, this bag's greasy.
Mm! Extra flavor.
So, does your father
still want to kill me
for kissing you at the party?
Yeah.
Don't worry about him.
He knows it was just a kiss.
It wasn't just a kiss for me.
Ooh!
You pay him.
Give him a nice
tip,
but not too much.
We don't want him to
think we're
desperate.
Would you go eat?
Don't be nosy!
Stuck to the door
again, Miss Fine?
Niles, I'm the nanny.
I'm paid to watch the children.
Why aren't you sleeping?
I was, but I put on
so much eucalyptus rub,
I dreamt I was attacked
by a giant koala.
You know,
I have that same dream.
Now you're both scaring me.
Come on.
Have some won ton.
Now, listen, kids,
when Maggie comes out,
I want you all to act
like nothing happened.
Please, nobody give
her
the third degree.
Oh, tell me everything!
What did he say?
Did he ask you
out?
Yes!
Oh!
Where are you gonna go?
What are you gonna wear?
What are you gonna tell Dad?
Maxwell, I thought
we were going to meet
at Le Cirque.
Why the sudden change in plans?
I have a special
birthday present for you,
and I just couldn't wait.
You didn't have
to get me anything.
Oh, all right. Forget it.
Maxwell, you beast.
C.C.
C.C., you've been alone
too long.
A lovely woman like you
should have someone
to come home to,
Someone... someone who loves you.
Oh, Maxwell...
Close your eyes
and put out your hand.
An engagement dog?
I... I beg your pardon?
What an engaging dog!
Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful!
Mm!
[GROWLS]
Fluffy, and a good judge
of character.
He needs some time
to get used to you.
I mean, you can't expect a dog
to just jump into your arms
and love you at first sight.
Mr. Sheffield...
oh, you got her a puppy?
Oh, how sweet!
Oh, and look how friendly he is!
Oh...
Look, he's like
a little chestnut.
You should call him Chester.
If you don't mind, he's my dog.
I'll name him.
[GROWLING]
Chester it is.
Maxwell, I don't
know
how to thank you
for this lovely gift.
I'll think
I'll just
take him home
and put him to sleep.
You mean to bed.
Whatever.
Maxwell, I'll meet
you
at the restaurant.
Bye, Chester!
Bye, little Chester!
Bye!
You should've gotten
her
the toaster oven.
Yes, Miss Fine,
is this a social call?
Uh, well, I do
have
a little problem
I need to discuss with you.
It's not really a problem
so much as it is a dilemma.
No! That has
a negative
connotation.
Miss Fine, I do have
dinner reservations.
Oh, I'm getting to it.
Um, Maggie was asked out
on a date tomorrow.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Just tell her no.
Hence the dilemma.
You said yes?
Well, it's just a movie.
A cartoon, yet.
How could you do that?
I mean, who is this
boy?
Do I know him?
Does anybody really
know anybody?
You're trying my patience.
Oh, all right.
It was Eddie
from the backers'
party you threw.
Eddie the kissing waiter?
Well, he's also a delivery boy.
It was fate, I tell you.
He delivered the take-out.
He's saving up to go to Yale,
and I'm not talking about
the locksmith school
either.
Yale? Really?
Mm-hmm.
What's he going to study?
Uh, study?
Uh...
[MUMBLES]
Llamas?
Drama.
Dram...
So my daughter wants
to date an actor?
Where did I go wrong?
Oh, if you
could've
only seen the way
those two kids
looked at each
other.
Oh, well, maybe it's better
you didn't.
Miss Fine, you see
the position you've put me in?
Now you're the good guy,
and I'm the ogre who won't
let his daughter go to the ball.
Oh, nobody thinks of
it
that way.
I mean, maybe the word
"ogre" was mentioned.
You can't shelter her forever.
I mean, boys will come knocking,
and if you don't let
them
in the front door,
She is gonna start
sneaking out the
window.
I have seen it 100 times.
Take Theresa Polelli...
Theresa Polelli
the casting director?
You know her?
Well, I've used her.
And the legend lives on.
Oh, very well, Miss Fine.
Margaret may go on her date.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
Good night, Miss Fine.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Enjoy the movie tomorrow.
What? I'm not going.
Oh, yes, you are.
You're going to chaperon.
Chaperon?
Is that still a word?
Ogres still use it.
Oh, why do I have to be
thenuchslep?
The what-slep?
Thenuch...slep.
The tag-along,
the pathetic loser
living on the cusp
of other people's lives.
Oh, I'm sure
you'll
catch on
quickly.
What did he say, yes or no?
Yes, but you're not
gonna like the fine
print.
I have to go with you.
So what you're saying
is that on my first date
alone with a gorgeous guy,
you're gonna be sitting
right next to me?
You got it.
Thank God.
Oh, let's try this.
Um, excuse us.
Would you mind
moving down a seat?
There's two seats there.
Yeah, but we're three.
Her date is
getting
our refreshments.
If she's on a date, who are you?
The chaperon.
Oh. Move down for thenuchslep.
Looks too young to be anuchslep.
You don't have to be old.
You just have to be a loser.
Are you two gonna talk
through the whole movie?
So how do you think it's going?
Nice. Very nice.
So you don't think
I'm being too
quiet?
Mm... you know,
let me give you
a little bit of advice.
Remember when Eddie
came to the house
and you said hello?
Uh-huh.
That was good.
Elaborate on that.
Well, how?
Honey, it's your first date.
Why don't you just
relax and enjoy it?
I remember my first date...
Robbie Ortoff,
the Flamingo Beach Club.
What's she saying?
She's talking
about the old days,
when she had a life.
Do you mind?
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Ah, thenuchslep's
getting annoyed.
So you didn't know what to say
on your first date, either?
Oh, no, honey,
but I've got the gift of gab.
The point is,
you've got to be yourself
too, only louder.
Hi.
Hello!
I got popcorn.
I love popcorn!
Here's your soda.
Oy! Look at the size
of this thing.
It should come with a lifeguard.
Yeah, I think
mine
has an undertow.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah. My soda's so big...
I don't think
I'll be able to drink it all.
It's really big.
[FILM MUSIC BEGINS]
FRAN:
There is a God.
It is so good to see you back
again on your feet, Niles.
Thank you, sir.
I've prepared your favorite...
Belgian waffles.
I don't recall them
being my favorite.
Oh. Then they must be mine.
It was my grandfather's recipe,
served at
the coronation breakfast
of George VI.
Mm! Eggos!
Belgian waffles, Miss Fine.
Very close.
Mm.
Maggie, you haven't told us
about your date last night.
Maggie, dear,
your hair's in the syrup.
We had a wonderful time.
It was terrible.
I didn't have anything to say.
I sat there like a lump.
Well, so do mashed potatoes,
and everybody likes them.
Maggie, you were great.
She was a regular riot.
Remember that really funny thing
that you said
about the egg cream?
That was you.
Oh.
How about that really funny joke
you said
about this guy in a turban?
You.
Oh. Well, how about...
You, you, you, you, you!
Oh, boy, was I on last night
or what?
Well, I'm sure it'll
go better next time.
There won't be a next time,
because I'm never
gonna see him again
because I'm a worthless,
pathetic, unlovable nothing.
Can I have your waffle?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Sweetheart, don't be
so down on yourself.
Maggie, you have
so much to offer.
I'm sure that's Eddie probably
right now.
Yeah, right.
It's Master Eddie.
There. What'd I tell you?
I'm afraid it's not
for Miss Margaret.
It's for you.
Me?
Yes. You, you, you, you, you.
Hello? Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye, Eddie.
[SIGHS]
Well?
Eddie says hello.
And?
And he wants to see me
Friday night.
Could you pass the syrup,
please?
Why don't you just take it,
like you take everything else?
Margaret!
Is this
sarcasm?
From Margaret?
Maggie, maybe we should
go talk somewhere?
Why don't you
just
talk to Eddie?
Yes, folks, it's
definitely sarcasm.
And Maggie scores again...
Shut up, Brighton!
Let's just everyone calm down.
No. Let her vent.
It'll make her feel better.
It'll make us all feel better.
I trusted you,
and you stole my boyfriend.
I hate you!
There. Doesn't everybody
feel better now?
I know I do.
Honey, it's Daddy.
Look, if you come
out of your room,
we'll go to
Rumplemeyer's
for some ice cream.
MAGGIE: Can't you just
let me die in peace?
[THUMP]
Ice cream always used to work.
So did chaperoning.
What are you saying?
This is my fault?
No, no. It's my fault...
for listening to you
in the first place.
I never should have
gone on that date.
Well, neither should Maggie,
but you pushed her into it.
I didn't push her.
Trust me, you pushed.
You always push.
Push, push, push!
Wait. Are you
implying
that I push?
Niles, who's right here?
This darn cold.
Can't hear a thing.
Okay, so maybe I push,
but somebody has to.
Haven't you ever seen
the little baby birds
looking out over
the edge of their nest?
It's the mama bird
that has to push them
into the world
so that they learn to fly.
Haven't you ever
seen
those little baby
birds
dead on the sidewalk?
One in ten, tops.
Well, if only you'd sat
in the back of the movie theater
like a proper
nuch...slep.
But, no, you had to go
be witty and charming,
and make the boy like you.
Can I help it if I effervesce?
Well, must you make everyone
like you?
Even the dog preferred you
over C.C.
Oh, now, that was pure
animal instinct.
This never happened
with the other
nannies,
with their sour
dispositions
and chin whiskers.
Chin whiskers?
In the age of electrolysis?
No excuse for that.
But at least their
boundaries were
clear.
I don't know.
Sometimes you seem more
like Maggie's girlfriend
than her nanny.
Her girlfriend?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you're a genius.
What did I say?
Nothing very profound, sir.
I thought you couldn't hear.
It's a miracle.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Go away!
I couldn't hear you.
Did you say "come in?"
No, but do what you want.
You will anyway.
I brought you some Mallomars.
I'm too depressed to eat.
Gee, I wish depression
had that effect on me.
Do you know how
humiliated I
feel,
losing my
boyfriend...
to my nanny?
Honey, I think you're
too old to have a nanny.
I mean, it's okay
for Brighton and Gracie,
but I'd like to think
of you and I
more like friends.
Some friend.
Do friends steal
their
friends'
boyfriends?
Absolutely not.
I mean, take me and Val.
There were plenty of times
when we would meet a guy,
and she would fall in love
with him
and he would
all in love with me,
or I would fall in love with him
and he'd fall in love...
Nah, that never happened.
The point is, though,
we never let it
ruin our friendship.
And that's the official
girlfriends' code.
The what?
You never heard
of the official
girlfriends' code?
The O.G.C.?
No.
What do they teach you
in those private schools?
Rule number one...
you never gossip
about your best friend,
a totally moronic rule
that nobody follows,
so we'll move on
to rule number two.
If a girl falls for a guy
and the idiot guy
falls for her effervescent
but totally blameless friend,
then the aforementioned friend
is obliged to dump him.
You would do that for me?
Honey, it's the O.G.C.
Maybe I will have
one of those
Mallomars.
Rule number three...
when it comes to chocolate,
it's every girl for herself.
Rule number 27...
just because
you're dumping someone
doesn't mean you shouldn't
look your best.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, God. That's him.
What are we gonna do?
Okay, don't worry.
I'll let him down gently.
Destroy him.
All right.
Can I listen?
Oh, sure! What do you think
the butler's pantry is for?
Just looking for a ladle.
Ah. Here it is.
Mm-hmm.
Ahem.
Hello, Ed.
Hi.
I brought you some spareribs.
Oh, you are some
little operator, aren't you?
First you ask Maggie
out on a date,
then you toy with her emotions,
now you're bringing me pork.
What are you, some kind
of delivering Don Juan?
What are you talking about?
Us. Me. You.
It's not gonna happen.
You think...
Miss Fine, you're old enough
to be my...
Watch it.
Sister.
I mean,
I really like you a...
as a friend.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me?
These ribs are for dumping?
No, they were more like
kind of a bribe.
Oh. For what?
Well, I was hoping that
maybe you could
give Mr. Sheffield
my picture and résumé.
Picture and résumé?
That's what you wanted
to ask me?
Yeah, for when he casts
his next show.
Well, why didn't you
just ask Maggie that?
Well, because I really like her,
and... I don't know,
I just didn't want her to think
I was using her.
Oh, but you don't mind using me.
Yeah. No, no, no, no!
I mean, I just thought
it would be easier for you
because you're not shy.
You're...
Pushy.
Exactly.
Just give me the damn pictures.
So, is Maggie here?
I thought maybe we could
go for a walk.
One minute. I'll get her.
There are 19 rooms
in this house.
You all ended up in here?
I needed a spoon.
Just returning the ladle.
All right.
So you all heard.
I feel your pain.
Thank you.
Come, children.
So, does this mean
that I have to dump
him,
since he dumped you?
Technically, he didn't dump me,
because he never liked me
in the first place. Okay?
So there's your loophole.
Make your move.
Thank you.
Go take a walk
with your boyfriend,
and let this pushy old broad
eat her ribs in peace.
May I?
Of course you can.
Have a good time.
Thank you, Dad.
Well, you're certainly
singing a different tune.
If I don't open the door,
she'll only
sneak
out the window.
Oh, that's very wise.
Yeah?
Some pushy old broad told me.
Oh.
Miss Babcock, sir.
I hope she brought Chester.
Hello, all.
Oh, Chester!
Come here.
Come here. Oh, good boy.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
You better watch it.
She may need a muff.
Oh, it's so great
that you love to floss.
I mean, you only get
two sets of teeth,
except my Cousin Ira.
He got three,
but you know,
he's a freak of nature.
Here we go.
Oh, look at you.
Oh, how beautiful.
You'll never
have gum disease. Yes.
You know, they also make
a cinnamon floss.
This is the mint flavor.
You like that.
I wish the children
flossed like you do.
I'm going to tell Miss Babcock
to buy you
a whole case of dental floss.
Ah-choo!
Hey, Niles, are you okay?
Oh, I'm afraid
I'm feeling a bit queer.
Don't ask, don't tell.
But for God's sakes,
come out of the closet.
Ill, Miss Fine.
I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Oh! Oh, you British.
You look like us,
you act like us,
but bottom line,
you're foreigners.
Come here.
Let me take your temperature.
99.3.
I must say,
you have very skillful lips.
Oh, honey, you don't
know the half of it.
Put this down.
Go upstairs, lie down,
and rub on some Vicks.
I will let you know
when dinner's ready.
You?
You?
You?
Yes, me.
Now, go, go.
I'm perfectly capable
of getting dinner on the table.
Hello, Fung Lum's?
Do you deliver?
Okay, well, we want
the family dinner.
Yeah. I feel like shrimp.
Gracie, honey,
what do you feel like?
I feel trapped.
Maybe we should order
the dysfunctional family dinner.
With that,
they promise you shrimp,
and then they don't
give it to you.
MAXWELL: Niles!
Oh, hold on a minute.
The father may be joining us.
This could mean an upgrade
to the imperial feast.
What's going on? Where's Niles?
Oh, he's queer.
So we're doing take-out.
Take-out?
Well, I'm just trying
to expose the children
to other cultures.
We order Chinese food,
they learn
how Jewish people eat.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather
take them to the 21 Club?
Aw!
Aw!
Aw!
Oh, now, kids,
if the man's insisting...
No, no, no.
You have your
fun.
Order Chinese.
Yes!
Just make sure Grace
gets
an optimistic fortune.
All right.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
FRAN:
I don't care
if you're down to your last one.
We waited an hour and a half
for this food.
I should be hungry
again
already.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Finally!
Oh!
Yay!
Ling, this better be you.
Eddie?
Maggie!
I thought this house
looked familiar.
Come on in.
Um, I can't.
I have another order to deliver.
Meanwhile, I waited
an hour and a half.
What's their rush?
Are you that waiter
that kissed Maggie
at Daddy's party?
Good night, Gracie.
You know,
Maggie never stops
talking about you.
Sometimes... ow!
Fran, Maggie kicked me.
It wasn't Maggie.
Go. Start without us.
Ew, this bag's greasy.
Mm! Extra flavor.
So, does your father
still want to kill me
for kissing you at the party?
Yeah.
Don't worry about him.
He knows it was just a kiss.
It wasn't just a kiss for me.
Ooh!
You pay him.
Give him a nice
tip,
but not too much.
We don't want him to
think we're
desperate.
Would you go eat?
Don't be nosy!
Stuck to the door
again, Miss Fine?
Niles, I'm the nanny.
I'm paid to watch the children.
Why aren't you sleeping?
I was, but I put on
so much eucalyptus rub,
I dreamt I was attacked
by a giant koala.
You know,
I have that same dream.
Now you're both scaring me.
Come on.
Have some won ton.
Now, listen, kids,
when Maggie comes out,
I want you all to act
like nothing happened.
Please, nobody give
her
the third degree.
Oh, tell me everything!
What did he say?
Did he ask you
out?
Yes!
Oh!
Where are you gonna go?
What are you gonna wear?
What are you gonna tell Dad?
Maxwell, I thought
we were going to meet
at Le Cirque.
Why the sudden change in plans?
I have a special
birthday present for you,
and I just couldn't wait.
You didn't have
to get me anything.
Oh, all right. Forget it.
Maxwell, you beast.
C.C.
C.C., you've been alone
too long.
A lovely woman like you
should have someone
to come home to,
Someone... someone who loves you.
Oh, Maxwell...
Close your eyes
and put out your hand.
An engagement dog?
I... I beg your pardon?
What an engaging dog!
Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful!
Mm!
[GROWLS]
Fluffy, and a good judge
of character.
He needs some time
to get used to you.
I mean, you can't expect a dog
to just jump into your arms
and love you at first sight.
Mr. Sheffield...
oh, you got her a puppy?
Oh, how sweet!
Oh, and look how friendly he is!
Oh...
Look, he's like
a little chestnut.
You should call him Chester.
If you don't mind, he's my dog.
I'll name him.
[GROWLING]
Chester it is.
Maxwell, I don't
know
how to thank you
for this lovely gift.
I'll think
I'll just
take him home
and put him to sleep.
You mean to bed.
Whatever.
Maxwell, I'll meet
you
at the restaurant.
Bye, Chester!
Bye, little Chester!
Bye!
You should've gotten
her
the toaster oven.
Yes, Miss Fine,
is this a social call?
Uh, well, I do
have
a little problem
I need to discuss with you.
It's not really a problem
so much as it is a dilemma.
No! That has
a negative
connotation.
Miss Fine, I do have
dinner reservations.
Oh, I'm getting to it.
Um, Maggie was asked out
on a date tomorrow.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Just tell her no.
Hence the dilemma.
You said yes?
Well, it's just a movie.
A cartoon, yet.
How could you do that?
I mean, who is this
boy?
Do I know him?
Does anybody really
know anybody?
You're trying my patience.
Oh, all right.
It was Eddie
from the backers'
party you threw.
Eddie the kissing waiter?
Well, he's also a delivery boy.
It was fate, I tell you.
He delivered the take-out.
He's saving up to go to Yale,
and I'm not talking about
the locksmith school
either.
Yale? Really?
Mm-hmm.
What's he going to study?
Uh, study?
Uh...
[MUMBLES]
Llamas?
Drama.
Dram...
So my daughter wants
to date an actor?
Where did I go wrong?
Oh, if you
could've
only seen the way
those two kids
looked at each
other.
Oh, well, maybe it's better
you didn't.
Miss Fine, you see
the position you've put me in?
Now you're the good guy,
and I'm the ogre who won't
let his daughter go to the ball.
Oh, nobody thinks of
it
that way.
I mean, maybe the word
"ogre" was mentioned.
You can't shelter her forever.
I mean, boys will come knocking,
and if you don't let
them
in the front door,
She is gonna start
sneaking out the
window.
I have seen it 100 times.
Take Theresa Polelli...
Theresa Polelli
the casting director?
You know her?
Well, I've used her.
And the legend lives on.
Oh, very well, Miss Fine.
Margaret may go on her date.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
Good night, Miss Fine.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Enjoy the movie tomorrow.
What? I'm not going.
Oh, yes, you are.
You're going to chaperon.
Chaperon?
Is that still a word?
Ogres still use it.
Oh, why do I have to be
thenuchslep?
The what-slep?
Thenuch...slep.
The tag-along,
the pathetic loser
living on the cusp
of other people's lives.
Oh, I'm sure
you'll
catch on
quickly.
What did he say, yes or no?
Yes, but you're not
gonna like the fine
print.
I have to go with you.
So what you're saying
is that on my first date
alone with a gorgeous guy,
you're gonna be sitting
right next to me?
You got it.
Thank God.
Oh, let's try this.
Um, excuse us.
Would you mind
moving down a seat?
There's two seats there.
Yeah, but we're three.
Her date is
getting
our refreshments.
If she's on a date, who are you?
The chaperon.
Oh. Move down for thenuchslep.
Looks too young to be anuchslep.
You don't have to be old.
You just have to be a loser.
Are you two gonna talk
through the whole movie?
So how do you think it's going?
Nice. Very nice.
So you don't think
I'm being too
quiet?
Mm... you know,
let me give you
a little bit of advice.
Remember when Eddie
came to the house
and you said hello?
Uh-huh.
That was good.
Elaborate on that.
Well, how?
Honey, it's your first date.
Why don't you just
relax and enjoy it?
I remember my first date...
Robbie Ortoff,
the Flamingo Beach Club.
What's she saying?
She's talking
about the old days,
when she had a life.
Do you mind?
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Ah, thenuchslep's
getting annoyed.
So you didn't know what to say
on your first date, either?
Oh, no, honey,
but I've got the gift of gab.
The point is,
you've got to be yourself
too, only louder.
Hi.
Hello!
I got popcorn.
I love popcorn!
Here's your soda.
Oy! Look at the size
of this thing.
It should come with a lifeguard.
Yeah, I think
mine
has an undertow.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah. My soda's so big...
I don't think
I'll be able to drink it all.
It's really big.
[FILM MUSIC BEGINS]
FRAN:
There is a God.
It is so good to see you back
again on your feet, Niles.
Thank you, sir.
I've prepared your favorite...
Belgian waffles.
I don't recall them
being my favorite.
Oh. Then they must be mine.
It was my grandfather's recipe,
served at
the coronation breakfast
of George VI.
Mm! Eggos!
Belgian waffles, Miss Fine.
Very close.
Mm.
Maggie, you haven't told us
about your date last night.
Maggie, dear,
your hair's in the syrup.
We had a wonderful time.
It was terrible.
I didn't have anything to say.
I sat there like a lump.
Well, so do mashed potatoes,
and everybody likes them.
Maggie, you were great.
She was a regular riot.
Remember that really funny thing
that you said
about the egg cream?
That was you.
Oh.
How about that really funny joke
you said
about this guy in a turban?
You.
Oh. Well, how about...
You, you, you, you, you!
Oh, boy, was I on last night
or what?
Well, I'm sure it'll
go better next time.
There won't be a next time,
because I'm never
gonna see him again
because I'm a worthless,
pathetic, unlovable nothing.
Can I have your waffle?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Sweetheart, don't be
so down on yourself.
Maggie, you have
so much to offer.
I'm sure that's Eddie probably
right now.
Yeah, right.
It's Master Eddie.
There. What'd I tell you?
I'm afraid it's not
for Miss Margaret.
It's for you.
Me?
Yes. You, you, you, you, you.
Hello? Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye, Eddie.
[SIGHS]
Well?
Eddie says hello.
And?
And he wants to see me
Friday night.
Could you pass the syrup,
please?
Why don't you just take it,
like you take everything else?
Margaret!
Is this
sarcasm?
From Margaret?
Maggie, maybe we should
go talk somewhere?
Why don't you
just
talk to Eddie?
Yes, folks, it's
definitely sarcasm.
And Maggie scores again...
Shut up, Brighton!
Let's just everyone calm down.
No. Let her vent.
It'll make her feel better.
It'll make us all feel better.
I trusted you,
and you stole my boyfriend.
I hate you!
There. Doesn't everybody
feel better now?
I know I do.
Honey, it's Daddy.
Look, if you come
out of your room,
we'll go to
Rumplemeyer's
for some ice cream.
MAGGIE: Can't you just
let me die in peace?
[THUMP]
Ice cream always used to work.
So did chaperoning.
What are you saying?
This is my fault?
No, no. It's my fault...
for listening to you
in the first place.
I never should have
gone on that date.
Well, neither should Maggie,
but you pushed her into it.
I didn't push her.
Trust me, you pushed.
You always push.
Push, push, push!
Wait. Are you
implying
that I push?
Niles, who's right here?
This darn cold.
Can't hear a thing.
Okay, so maybe I push,
but somebody has to.
Haven't you ever seen
the little baby birds
looking out over
the edge of their nest?
It's the mama bird
that has to push them
into the world
so that they learn to fly.
Haven't you ever
seen
those little baby
birds
dead on the sidewalk?
One in ten, tops.
Well, if only you'd sat
in the back of the movie theater
like a proper
nuch...slep.
But, no, you had to go
be witty and charming,
and make the boy like you.
Can I help it if I effervesce?
Well, must you make everyone
like you?
Even the dog preferred you
over C.C.
Oh, now, that was pure
animal instinct.
This never happened
with the other
nannies,
with their sour
dispositions
and chin whiskers.
Chin whiskers?
In the age of electrolysis?
No excuse for that.
But at least their
boundaries were
clear.
I don't know.
Sometimes you seem more
like Maggie's girlfriend
than her nanny.
Her girlfriend?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you're a genius.
What did I say?
Nothing very profound, sir.
I thought you couldn't hear.
It's a miracle.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Go away!
I couldn't hear you.
Did you say "come in?"
No, but do what you want.
You will anyway.
I brought you some Mallomars.
I'm too depressed to eat.
Gee, I wish depression
had that effect on me.
Do you know how
humiliated I
feel,
losing my
boyfriend...
to my nanny?
Honey, I think you're
too old to have a nanny.
I mean, it's okay
for Brighton and Gracie,
but I'd like to think
of you and I
more like friends.
Some friend.
Do friends steal
their
friends'
boyfriends?
Absolutely not.
I mean, take me and Val.
There were plenty of times
when we would meet a guy,
and she would fall in love
with him
and he would
all in love with me,
or I would fall in love with him
and he'd fall in love...
Nah, that never happened.
The point is, though,
we never let it
ruin our friendship.
And that's the official
girlfriends' code.
The what?
You never heard
of the official
girlfriends' code?
The O.G.C.?
No.
What do they teach you
in those private schools?
Rule number one...
you never gossip
about your best friend,
a totally moronic rule
that nobody follows,
so we'll move on
to rule number two.
If a girl falls for a guy
and the idiot guy
falls for her effervescent
but totally blameless friend,
then the aforementioned friend
is obliged to dump him.
You would do that for me?
Honey, it's the O.G.C.
Maybe I will have
one of those
Mallomars.
Rule number three...
when it comes to chocolate,
it's every girl for herself.
Rule number 27...
just because
you're dumping someone
doesn't mean you shouldn't
look your best.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, God. That's him.
What are we gonna do?
Okay, don't worry.
I'll let him down gently.
Destroy him.
All right.
Can I listen?
Oh, sure! What do you think
the butler's pantry is for?
Just looking for a ladle.
Ah. Here it is.
Mm-hmm.
Ahem.
Hello, Ed.
Hi.
I brought you some spareribs.
Oh, you are some
little operator, aren't you?
First you ask Maggie
out on a date,
then you toy with her emotions,
now you're bringing me pork.
What are you, some kind
of delivering Don Juan?
What are you talking about?
Us. Me. You.
It's not gonna happen.
You think...
Miss Fine, you're old enough
to be my...
Watch it.
Sister.
I mean,
I really like you a...
as a friend.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me?
These ribs are for dumping?
No, they were more like
kind of a bribe.
Oh. For what?
Well, I was hoping that
maybe you could
give Mr. Sheffield
my picture and résumé.
Picture and résumé?
That's what you wanted
to ask me?
Yeah, for when he casts
his next show.
Well, why didn't you
just ask Maggie that?
Well, because I really like her,
and... I don't know,
I just didn't want her to think
I was using her.
Oh, but you don't mind using me.
Yeah. No, no, no, no!
I mean, I just thought
it would be easier for you
because you're not shy.
You're...
Pushy.
Exactly.
Just give me the damn pictures.
So, is Maggie here?
I thought maybe we could
go for a walk.
One minute. I'll get her.
There are 19 rooms
in this house.
You all ended up in here?
I needed a spoon.
Just returning the ladle.
All right.
So you all heard.
I feel your pain.
Thank you.
Come, children.
So, does this mean
that I have to dump
him,
since he dumped you?
Technically, he didn't dump me,
because he never liked me
in the first place. Okay?
So there's your loophole.
Make your move.
Thank you.
Go take a walk
with your boyfriend,
and let this pushy old broad
eat her ribs in peace.
May I?
Of course you can.
Have a good time.
Thank you, Dad.
Well, you're certainly
singing a different tune.
If I don't open the door,
she'll only
sneak
out the window.
Oh, that's very wise.
Yeah?
Some pushy old broad told me.
Oh.
Miss Babcock, sir.
I hope she brought Chester.
Hello, all.
Oh, Chester!
Come here.
Come here. Oh, good boy.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
You better watch it.
She may need a muff.
Oh, it's so great
that you love to floss.
I mean, you only get
two sets of teeth,
except my Cousin Ira.
He got three,
but you know,
he's a freak of nature.
Here we go.
Oh, look at you.
Oh, how beautiful.
You'll never
have gum disease. Yes.
You know, they also make
a cinnamon floss.
This is the mint flavor.
You like that.
I wish the children
flossed like you do.
I'm going to tell Miss Babcock
to buy you
a whole case of dental floss.