The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 3 - My Fair Nanny - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, boys. Here we go.

These are your gloves.

This is the ball,
and these are the rules...

You throw, you catch.

Reverse, repeat.

Where's your cap?

Oh, I'm not really a cap person.

Oh, come on.
You'll look adorable.

My life's ambition.

Try and be cool.



There.

Oh, yeah, we cool.

Come on, Gracie.
We're going to the park.

I'm a little anxious

about this whole kite thing.

Why, sweetie?
We're gonna have fun.

What if I let go of the string
and lose it?

I'm not good with separation.

Oh, come on.
You're not gonna lose it.

A kite
is like a really cute guy.

You give him some slack,
let him fly free.

Then, at the end of the day,

you yank his string
and reel him back in.

And you hang him on a hook



till you're ready
to use him again.

And I'm teaching you?

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Okay, last question...
what is the capital of Peru?

Lima.

Very good!

Boy, if she fit in your bookbag,

you might actually
pass this test.

I don't need to be a genius.

I'm going to be a producer,
like Dad.

Who said that?

Good morning, everyone.

I have the most fabulous news.

They've selected a dilettante

for the Biosphere?

I was at Elizabeth Arden

getting a facial, manicure,
and herbal wrap...

You know, at Earl Scheib,

you could get the whole job done
for $89.95,

bodywork included.

Anyway, who do you think
was under the next turban?

Aladdin?
Yasser Arafat?

No, that's not a turban,
that's a burnoose.

Whatever it is,
he could use a facial,

or better yet, a chemical peel.

C.C.: Nanny Fine...

Wha..? We're giving him
the Gaza Strip.

Would it kill him
to take a shave

and put on
a little Paco Rabanne?

Does the name Maureen Wentworth
ring a bell?

Not even a jingle.

She invested $50,000
in our last production.

Ah, yes.
How is the dear lady?

$50,000 for a lousy play?

Oh. Which I found
delightful.

I'm still humming the tunes.

$50,000 is the kind of change

she finds in her couch.

These are the Wentworths
that came over on theMayflower.

How did they know what to pack?

I mean, you're going
to a new world...

is it hot, is it cold,
is it rainy?

There are no brochures.

They were pilgrims, Miss Fine.

They all wore the same thing.

And that was a mistake.

Very few people can wear
a big hat, a big collar,

and a big buckle.

Anyway, Maureen
and her daughter, Cynthia,

are very active
in the Cotillion Society,

and I mentioned Maggie,

and they've invited her
to be a junior deb.

MAXWELL:
C.C., that's splendid!

What a nice opportunity
for Maggie.

Maggie? Oh, yes, of course.

And it wouldn't hurt us
to cultivate some new old money.

Excuse me, but does anyone
care how I feel about this?

I know I don't.

Oh, you'll love it!

I was a debutante.

It's the only way
to meet the right people,

make the right connections,

marry the right man.

But you never got married.

Good one.

I don't want to be a deb.

But sweetheart, it might
help you come out of your shell.

I like my shell.

If you get real close to Maggie,

you can hear the ocean.

You know,
I agree with Miss Babcock.

I know. It was an ugly
shock to me too.

But, angel, I think it would be
a good opportunity for you.

I don't care what you all think.
I don't want to do it!

Kids.

I should have stayed in retail.

I'll do it.

I mean, who does C.C.
think she is,

butting into my social life?

What social life?

I just went to the movies
with Denise.

Honey, she's the cleaning lady.

You're 14 years old.

This house should be filled
with obnoxious teenagers,

swapping sweaters
and trashing each other.

I hate all those girls.

They all go to my school.

They're just so stuck-up
and snobby.

Popular?
Yeah.

Oh, honey, you could
be just as popular.

You're smart and gorgeous,

plus you got a double-A width.

The world is your oyster.

Skinny feet cannot get you
into this group.

You don't know
what these cliques are like.

Oh, you think
they're any
different

from the Cosmetology Club
at Flushing High?

True, we had better nails,
but all cliques are alike.

You got your leader
of the pack...

she's the prettiest,
the snobbiest,

and everybody wants
to be her friend.

That's Cindy.

Forget her. She don't need you.

Find the low man on the totem
pole and make your move.

You see,
no one ever listens to her,

so she'll be grateful
and wide open for infiltration.

How do I infiltrate?

Choose from the
three
universal topics...

boys, clothes,
and Bobby Sherman.

Bobby who?

Okay, Marky Mark,

but he doesn't have
half the talent of
Bobby.

It also helps to unite
against a common enemy.

A good choice would be
your gym teacher.

You make it sound like a war.

It's worse. War is just hell.
This is high school.

That's Bobby Sherman.

What's that?

That's his hair.

Isn't he cute?

He's not really my type.

I'm torn between Barney...
and Ted Koppel.

Yeah, but Bobby could sing.

You should hear his records.

What's a record?

Oy... just bury me.

That sweater you wore today
is just gorgeous.

Sure. No wonder Jason Matthews
has a crush on you.

Don't you think he looks
just like Marky Mark?

The three universal topics
and sucking up...

grand slam.

Can this be?
Our Maggie has a friend?

You live long enough,
you see everything.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Where's Maxwell?

Yes, I've been feeling
a little under the weather,

but I'm much better now.

He wants these contracts
in London by morning.

Well, here, hop on.

With the time
difference,
you'll just make it.

Fran...I'm on the phone
with Cindy Wentworth.

And she'd like to know
what to bring tomorrow.

I told her... potato salad,
and not the German kind.

Niles, why is Miss
Fine
using the words

"Wentworth" and
"potato salad" in
the same sentence?

Miss Margaret
and Miss Fine are hosting

a mother-daughter debutante tea.

You're hosting a society tea?

Yeah.
I thought we'd do potluck.

That always goes over big.

What?

Meanwhile, with all their money,

go find someone
to bring an entrée.

You're asking Maureen Wentworth
to bring her own food?

Well, fair is fair.

I mean, we're springing

for the make-your-own
sundae bar,

the cosmetic demonstration,

and the gypsy fortune-teller.

Come on, kids.

Let's go wrap the gifts
for the grab bag.

Miss Fine, a moment.

Does this mean
you're not leaving?

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'll bounce back.

Okay, kids, start without me.

Oh, and Maggie...

make sure you take the best gift

and wrap it in aluminum foil.

That way you can always
grab it for yourself.

Always the gracious hostess.

Oh, you should've seen
my Sweet 16

at Benny's Clam Bar.

We took over
the whole half-shell room.

I'm sure it was the highlight

of the Flushing social season.

Nah.

That was the Astoria Boulevard
block party.

They had two of The Four Tops.

Miss Fine, my point is,

a society hostess
should have style, flair,

and a proper degree
of social sophistication.

Yeah, so?

So you're grossly
underqualified.

And yet still
Maggie's first choice.

Miss Fine, this is not
a popularity contest.

And I won anyway.

I'll have you know
I have traveled

in some pretty exclusive
circles.

I sat at the captain's table
on the Carnival cruise,

passed the A-1 to Kathie Lee.

Miss Fine, this is not brunch

with Captain Stubing.

These women are
vicious, backstabbing,
judgmental harpies.

I know.
They're my closest friends.

Oh, you don't scare me.

I have sat in
on my mother's Mah Jongg group.

Ah.

My fears are allayed.

Maggie's social future

rests securely
in your capable hands.

[LAUGHS]

Well, at least her fears
are getting allayed.

You know, I'm really
getting the hang

of this baseball thing.

I'm rather enjoying it,
actually.

Don't toss the ball
in the house, sir.

Oh, Niles, don't be
such a stick-in-the-mud.

Go on, old man,
get out in the hall.

I'll burn one in.

Dear God in heaven.

Right. Ready?

[CRASH]

It was old.

Ancient, actually.

Oh, well.
One less thing to dust.

Maybe I'll just pay some bills.

Oh, and I was so hoping

we could toss
the frisbee
around.

Who's Madam Aleska?

And why am I paying her $200?

She's the fortune-teller
Miss Fine hired for the
party.

A fortune-teller
at a society tea?

Perhaps she can read the leaves.

Oh, Niles, I'm beginning to have
second thoughts about this.

Can you really picture Miss Fine

in a room full
of New York society matrons?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

You want to hear a good one?

Miss Babcock was saying

I'm going to stick out
like a sore thumb

at tomorrow's tea party.

Well, jump in anytime
with heartfelt reassurance.

Don't worry, Miss Fine.
These ladies tend to be
a bit stuffy,

but you'll be
a breath of fresh air.

A delightful...
novelty.

In other words,
a freak in the sideshow.

Well, everybody
loves the circus.

But I don't want
to embarrass Maggie.

14 is a very vulnerable age.

I remember when I was 14.

My mother came to pick me up
after school

in a halter top
and pedal pushers...

Oh! I'm still looking
for the right support group.

All right, Miss Fine,

let's suppose for a moment
we shared your concern.

It's really too late
to cancel the party now.

Or is it?

Oh, no, don't. You can't cancel.

Maggie is counting on it.

Can't you just teach me
how to fit in?

Come on, Niles.
You know all about
that fancy-schmancy stuff.

Yes. I'm very
proud
of my command

of both the fancy
and the schmancy.

So tell me...

what is the difference
between me and those ladies?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Her clothes.
Her hair.

Her voice.
Her laugh.

Boy, you came up with that
list pretty fast.

It would be a monumental task.

Impossible.

Oh, go for it.

I'm an empty canvas,
a blank slate,

an Etch-A-Sketch
right after you shake it.

All right, you're on.

We have 24 hours

to turn this breath of fresh air

into a stale pretentious snob.

In other words, Miss Babcock.

By George, I think he's got it.

Round tones, Miss Fine.

How now, brown cow?

How now, brown... oy.

Enough with the marbles.
I've swallowed three
and passed two already.

How now, brown cow?

Not that there's gonna be
any cows at the party.

That's what you think.

Party, Miss Fine.

Yes, let's try to capture
that elusive letter "R."

What?
Your accent, it's so...

odd.
It's inescapable.

I don't see an "R"
coming out of your mouths.

That's because we're British.

Yes, we can say
anything we like,

and people think
it's Shakespeare.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

All right. Repeat after me.

Mark went on a lark after dark
in Central Park.

Gee, I hope he has a gun.

Miss Fine, focus.

All right, but the Kennedys
don't have an "R" between them.

They pahk the cah in the rivah,

and get away with it.

No, no.
It's all wrong.

I'll say. This book is
flattening my whole pouf.

It's your hips, Miss Fine.

I've never had
any complaints before.

It's the way they move
from side to side.

Well, I've never had
any complaints before.

What's the matter?
These ladies don't have hips?

Not really, no.

And flat bums.

But who's looking?

Mm.

Perhaps we should
move on to conversation,
sir.

Oh, now, that's my area
of speciality.

I am never at a loss for words.

There are several
topics
which are appropriate

in any social setting...

the weather, current events,
literature.

I'll take literature for 100,
Alex.

[LAUGHING]

What, I shouldn't laugh?

If you must,

try a soft,
breathy
"a-ha ha ha ha".

A-ha ha ha ha.

And close.

MAXWELL:
No. No. No. No.

I can't believe
you're knocking my style.

I'm known for my style,

except for that brief
cornrow period

after I saw10.

Ah, what about this beige frock?

That's my dress bag.

Two arm holes
and a string of pearls...

Could work.

This is the fish knife,

the steak knife,
the salad knife,

and the butter knife.

You know, one amazing Ginsu
could do it all.

All right. Let's start again.

The salad course has arrived,
and you pick up your...

Mm... the salad fork.

And wrong again.

That is your shrimp fork.

Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm getting shrimp salad.

All right.
We've finished our meal.

What do we do now?

If you're at my mother's house,

you open your pants
and flop on the couch.

Guess again.
[TAPS ON GLASS]

Oh, yeah.

Tart but refreshing.

No, Miss Fine, that
is your finger bowl!

It's for washing the fingers.

What, these people
can't afford Wet Naps?

[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, God. This is worse
than an opening night.

And the critics
here
are much tougher.

Well, whatever happens, Niles,

I've enjoyed working with you.

Same here, sir.

Somehow I feel closer to you.

Well, let's not get
carried away, old man.

Sorry, sir.

I say, old man, we did it.

We did it!
We did it.

We said that we would do it.

And indeed we did!

[ENUNCIATING CLEARLY]
Hello. How do you do?

How now, brown cow?

Maureen.

C.C., how lovely to see you.

Kiss-kiss.
Hug-hug.

Uh, tell me, who is
that lovely creature

on Maxwell's arm?

That's the nanny.

Oh. And yet,
what a stunning outfit.

Thank you.

Mrs. Wentworth,
I'd like you to meet

our hostess, Miss Fran Fine.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Look who discovered
the letter "R."

Please excuse me
for being tardy,

but I was on the phone
with my mother,

and she can be such ayenter.

This is a great party, Maggie.

It's almost as much fun
as algebra.

Look, guys,
it's gonna get better, really.

Fran has the whole party
all planned.

What a lovely artifact.
Is it Mayan?

No, it's his-an.

Niles, mayday.

I'm on it, sir.

Would you care
for a cucumber sandwich?

Oh, thank you.
Don't these look yummy?

Please enjoy.
I've had the seeds
removed to avoid
gas.

Come. Let's meet
our other guests.

Gas, Miss Fine?

I was just trying
to make conversation.

Indeed. Literature, the
weather, and the lively
arts

are such narrow topics.

One must invariably
turn to flatulence

for inspiration.

Would you like
to come up to my room

and play with my Gameboy?

Eat dirt.

Ooh-kay.

Dead, my uncle was,
right there on the couch,

only nobody noticed until
the seventh-inning stretch,

when he did not.

Ah-ha ha ha ha.

And close.

Fran, could I talk
to you for a
moment?

If you'll excuse me,
we'll schmooze later.

Fran, my friends are bored.

I thought you said we were gonna
have entertainment.

Well, we're gonna sing madrigals
with the harpist.

Is this classy or what?

No. It stinks.

What?

This is the worst party
I've ever been to!

She obviously missed
my cousin Ira's bris.

I take it in there
you weren't entirely thrilled

with the party.

What happened to the party
we planned?

Well, I thought
that this would be better...

you know, classier,

more like what you're used to.

I'm used to sitting home alone.

All right, so after this party,
things should be back to normal.

What have you done to yourself?

That hair, that outfit?

And where did you get
that voice?

Well, I got a little from Niles,
a little from your father,

but mostly Mrs. Howell.

What were you thinking?

Oh, I wasn't.

I listened to Miss Babcock.

Why, I don't know.

Does she entertain?

In all the time
I've known the woman,

she's never had me over once.

I can't believe
you dressed up like a geek

and ruined my party.

Oy.

It's the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

Aw, don't mention it...

ever again.

You know, you didn't
have to change.

Aren't you always
telling me to be myself?

Sure, when you're you,
perfection,

you could be yourself,

but when you're me,
a diamond in the rough...

Are you kidding?
I'd kill to be like you!

Really?

I'd kill to be like you.

So what do you say
we go throw a party

that'll kill C.C.?

Oh, now you're
thinking
like a deb.

Kiss-kiss.
Hug-hug.

Come on, take my hair out.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Actually, my people came over

on theMayflower.

Oh, of course...
the collar, the buckle.

I didn't put it together
without the hat.

We landed on Plymouth Rock.

My family can be traced back
for 500 years.

We landed on Ellis Island.

They changed our names,

and now we don't know
who the hell we were.

Okay. Who wants sprinkles?

Your father is really cute.

You know, they say
I look just like
him.

They lied.

You know, these
are just
delicious.

You like, huh?

Marshmallow Rice Krispy treats,
always a big hit.

Mm. You must give me the recipe
for Cook.

Honey, buy the cereal.
It's right on the side panel.

What, you're gonna make me
write it down?

Maxwell, this woman is a gem.

Oh, Maureen, enough!

Fran tells me you're mounting

a new musical.

I want in.

You think that you have room
for one more investor?

For Mrs. Wentworth, anything,

and I'm certain this
one's
gonna be a monster hit.

I know. The
fortune-teller
told me.

I tell you
for the hundredth time.

I see no tall, dark, handsome...

nothing in your future!

This is a great party, Maggie.

I hate to go home.

What do you say
I give you a ride in the limo?

Just me and you in the backseat?

Okay.

Oh, God!

Fran?
Thanks for everything.

Oh, angel.

Hmm?

I never doubted you
for a minute.

I want you to pick first
from the grab bag.

Me? Oh, I wasn't gonna pick.

All right.

Oh, I wonder what this could be.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]