The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 2 - Smoke Gets in Your Lies - full transcript
Fran wants Maxwell to be more involved in his children's lives. The latest request Fran puts in front of Maxwell is for him and the entire family to attend a carnival at Brighton's school. Maxwell declines because of work commitments. However, Fran is relieved that Maxwell will not be going when Brighton is caught smoking at school. What's worse for Fran is that Brighton got the idea to smoke from a story she told him. Brighton originally decides to blackmail Fran into not telling Maxwell, but ultimately Fran feels she needs to tell Maxwell. First however, Maxwell is too busy to listen to anything Fran has to tell him about his children. But when Maxwell decides to go to the carnival where he would be speaking to Brighton's headmaster, Fran has no choice but to tell him about Brighton being caught smoking. Brighton, however, does not tell on Fran. Later, Fran does tell Maxwell that she inadvertently gave Brighton the idea. Maxwell is initially angry with Fran, but he also realizes that Brighton did not tell on Fran, meaning that he has bonded with his new nanny, a first for him. But they still need to show Brighton the hazards of smoking. Fran decides to pull out the big guns: a meeting between Brighton and Fran's chain smoking grandma, Yetta.
Oh, that's Val.
You know,
it's her first time
to the mansion
and she's my best friend,
so I just want her to drop dead.
How thoughtful.
Allow me. You pose.
Okay.
I'm dropping dead.
Mission accomplished.
May I take your coat?
Do I get a stub?
No, and you don't have
to tip him, either.
Oy, she's got no class.
Come on, Val, move your ass.
Oy, this place
is like the Taj Mahal.
Only with more bathrooms.
You never have to wait.
How come I'm still stuck
in Flushing,
and you're living like Jackie O?
Jackie O.'s two doors down.
Jackie O.'s your neighbor?
Uh-huh, and you know,
she's very concerned
about John-John.
You heard he quit
the D.A. job, huh?
Really?
Yeah, and now he ran off
to California
with that blond fish.
Oh, God.
Oh, go have kids.
Honey, it's all
in how you raise them.
With mine,
I've got no complaints.
You've been their nanny
for two weeks.
And I've worked wonders
with them.
Shut up, Brighton!
You shut up!
You're giving me
a nervous breakdown.
You see?
Before me,
they never communicated.
You know,
you're going to get pimples too,
someday, if you ever grow up.
Oh, that's a pimple?
I thought it was a small planet.
Leave your sister alone.
I can't.
The gravitational force
is sucking me in.
I'm giving it all she's got,
Captain.
I cannot break away.
You're so pathetic, Brighton.
We both hate you.
Good, then my work here is done.
Brighton, what's your problem?
I guess I'm just
bad to the bone.
Oh, honey,
you have no idea what bad is.
Now, the boys Val and I
went to school with,
they were bad, huh?
Oh, the worst.
Oh, yeah, and now
they're all taken.
Do you remember Lenny?
Sure. Lenny Brown,
baddest man in the whole damn...
Oh, no, that was Leroy...
But Lenny was bad.
And tough.
The kid had a smoker's cough
in the fourth grade.
Really?
He could blow smoke rings
out of his nose,
either nostril.
Remember when
he would light a match
off his zipper?
Honey, I'm still dreaming
about that one.
So he was cool, huh?
Oh, he was a god.
The James Dean of Flushing.
I wonder what
ever happened to him?
I hear he's a big shot
at R.J. Reynolds.
I should've nabbed him
right out of reform school.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell
makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪♪♪
If this facial doesn't work,
I think
I'm going to kill myself.
Maggie, would you relax?
It's just a little zit.
Yeah, but... Shut up, Brighton.
I dread puberty.
I have combination skin.
Here's where having me
for a nanny comes in handy.
You kids know
that I'm a graduate
of the Ultissima
Beauty Institute,
four times Dean's list?
And yet, she's so accessible.
What's that?
Orange rinds.
You know, at Elizabeth Arden,
they'll charge you $200
and call it aromatherapy.
Trust me.
You'll be gorgeous.
I see an improvement already.
What's this?
Some stupid thing
at my stupid
school.
Oh, a carnival!
Oh, me and Val
used to throw these
for Jerry's kids.
Who's Jerry?
Jerry Lewis.
He used to be hysterical.
Now he's hysterical in France.
Yeah, right.
Like we're going to go
to some dumb carnival.
Why? It says right here,
"Fun for the whole family."
Wouldn't we actually
need
to be a family first?
Dad's too busy.
He doesn't have
time
to spend with us.
Maybe Daddy's seeing
other children.
Let's not be paranoid.
I'm not paranoid.
Who said I was?
Help, Niles.
We need drinks,
and keep them coming.
I take it, sir,
the composer meetings
aren't going well.
Why isn't there
any new talent in this town?
The man in my office
is positively ancient.
He's not composing,
he's decomposing.
I've got something
that'll cheer you up.
There's a carnival at
Brighton's
school this Saturday.
Oh, "food,
rides,
games."
Sounds splendid.
By all means, take the children.
Have a wonderful time.
Well, I kind of thought
that the whole family would go.
That would include the father.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm seeing composers
all weekend.
Oh, well, that's understandable.
Why do I feel a "but" coming on?
No buts,
however, a carnival
would be a good way
for you to spend some time
with your kids,
and time is so fleeting
at this age.
While I appreciate
the skill and
subtlety
of your guilt mongering,
I am opening a
musical
in eight weeks.
So?
I have no music.
Oh.
Otherwise, I'd love to go.
"I'd love to go."
Brighton, don't be so smart,
Tracy, dear, take smaller bites,
and Maggie, do try to be
a bit more outgoing.
Well, carry on.
Well, he's got my vote
for father of the year.
Now, now,
he would if he could,
but he can't.
I mean, the man has to
make a living, don't he?
Well, how else can we afford
the lifestyle
to which I've become accustomed?
So I flunked facials.
We'll color it in
and call it a mole.
There. You look just like
Cindy Crawford.
I look like John-Boy Walton.
America loved him.
Hey, Mags.
Wow, you look really beautiful.
And?
And nothing.
You look really good.
Shut up, Brighton.
Why are you
being so nice
to your sister?
Who'd you kill?
Why does everyone
assume the worst of me?
It saves time.
You know,
we did handwriting analysis
in school today.
I found out I'm very vulnerable.
Oh, isn't that fascinating?
Gee, I don't suppose
you'd want to analyze
my handwriting?
Well, sure.
I might happen to have a piece
of old, unimportant
scrap paper somewhere.
Let's see.
Ah!
Why don't you sign
your name right
here?
Okay.
Sucker!
What just happened here?
Honey, I am so far ahead of you,
we're in different time zones.
Ooh, a note from the headmaster.
You're kidding?
Brighton Milhouse Sheffield!
You were caught smoking?
I was holding it for a friend.
Oh, please, Brighton.
Smoking?
That's disgusting.
It takes the idiots
that start that filthy habit
years to quit.
I still haven't knocked off
all the weight.
Where are you going?
Where do you think?
To tell your father.
You heard.
The man's busy.
Not too busy to hear this.
But he'll ship me off
to military school.
Can our country
really afford that?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Brighton, smoking.
Where would you ever even get
an idea like that?
From you...
Come to think of it.
Me?
Bad, bad Lenny Brown?
What?
Oh.
Oy.
So maybe we should
just keep this
our little secret.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to blackmail me?
Let's just say
if I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
Who are you,
Edward G. Robinson?
You think I'm
going
to be intimidated
by somebody that can walk
under a coffee table?
He's going to fire me.
I'd fire me.
Just when I figured out
the bidet
is not a water fountain.
Yech!
What am I doing?
I quit.
I've got to learn to
deal with my problems
without a crutch.
What's to eat?
What was I thinking,
telling a story like that
to a 10-year-old kid?
On the other hand,
if I told him to jump
off the Empire State Building...
Hello.
That was my mother's voice
that just crossed
the Queensborough Bridge
and flew out my mouth.
But with such dulcet tones.
Oh, boy,
this is so typical of kids.
You try and you try,
and what do you get?
A slap in the face.
Oy! My mother again.
Niles, call an exorcist.
The previous nannies signed
all of Master Brighton's
discipline reports themselves.
You're kidding?
The nanny can do that?
Of course.
In fact, Nanny Six retired
with carpal tunnel syndrome.
You know, Brighton wanted me
to sign that note,
but at the time,
he was just looking
to save his butt.
Of course, now that I'm looking
to save mine,
it's not such a bad idea.
No.
I've got to tell Mr. Sheffield
what I did.
If I don't,
the evil eye'll get me.
I'll be hit by a bus for sure.
The evil eye?
Your mother again?
No. Grandma Yetta.
You know, Miss Fine,
it's always a pleasure
spending time
with you and your family.
The kind of music
that I hear for this
show
is kind of a, you
know,
Bacharach-David,
kind of a Promises, Promises
♪♪ Ya da da
Ya da da da ♪♪
♪♪ Ya da da
Ya da da da da ♪♪
Bounce, bounce.
Lots of bounce.
I'm not sure.
You're right.
Dated! Awful!
Out!
Knock, knock.
Yes, Miss Fine?
What is it?
And quickly, please.
We have eight more
composers to see
today...
and you're right up there.
Well?
Um, this isn't the right time.
I don't want to annoy you.
Too late. Go on.
Okay.
It's about Brighton.
Yes.
Well, remember the other day
Val and I were talking
in the kitchen?
Or was it the living room?
Anyway, it was somewhere
in the house...
and it's such a nice house.
You know, that's
a lovely painting.
Who are those people?
Miss Fine.
It's just that brings
the color out
in the couch so nice.
Yeah, well,
they say Rembrandt goes
with everything.
Now what about
Brighton.
Is he injured?
No.
Well, is there property damage?
No.
Is he missing?
No. He's right upstairs.
Well, then, what
are you doing
here?
Isn't this something you
can handle on your own?
Honestly, Maxwell,
what is the point
of having a nanny
if she can't take care of
these things on her own?
Isn't that what I just said?
Yes, but I wanted to say it too.
Look, Miss Fine,
whatever it is,
just take care of
it.
I'm giving you carte
blanche,
all right?
All right.
Oh, well, Niles,
that was easier
than
I thought it would
be.
You didn't tell him, did you?
No.
What about Grandma Yetta's
evil eye?
Oh, that's just
an oldboba-mayse.
Bubba... whatsa?
Aboba-mayse.
It's like an old wives' tale.
Honestly, Niles, it's the '90s.
For God's sakes,
who believes in
the evil eye
anyway?
Oy...
You're up early.
I couldn't sleep.
Mm-hmm.
I had indigestion.
It has nothing to do
with a guilty
conscience,
if that's what you're implying.
Crêêpes?
Back off, Niles.
I said I would punish the kid.
What else do you want?
Dare I suggest syrup?
Oh, what's
with the third degree?
I tried to tell him.
The man doesn't listen.
Everything I say goes in one ear
and out the other.
Good morning, Miss Fine.
I've been thinking
about what you said.
What?
What did I say?
About spending more time
with the children.
There, see,
I've already started.
Children,
we are going to the carnival.
All of us?
Mm-hmm. The whole family.
We're going to go on the rides,
we're going to eat cotton candy.
It'll be
like being a child again.
And it'll give me a chance
to talk
to Brighton's headmaster,
see what he's been up to.
Oops.
These things can get so sticky.
You know, I kind of soured
on that whole carnival thing.
It's so cold and windy.
It's in the gymnasium.
It's hot and stuffy.
Miss Fine,
I've just rearranged
my entire schedule,
and now you're telling
me
you don't want to go?
Well, I'm not God.
I don't make the weather.
But you insisted.
I wasn't feeling 100% that day.
I think I was ovulating.
Your eggs, sir.
Well, you may stay at home,
but we are going.
Do something.
Okay, I'll do
what I should've done
in the first place.
Hear, hear.
Here.
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something
you should know.
Brighton.
We don't care
that you're on parole.
Everyone deserves
a second chance.
Fine. I'll tell him.
Um, Mr. Sheffield,
when we go to the carnival,
the headmaster
may mention something
about Brighton smoking,
but he's quit and he's sorry,
and there's nothing for you
to worry about.
Niles, these crêêpes are divine.
And so light.
My mother makes a blintz
that could double
for a mattress.
Girls, you may be excused.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Smoking, Brighton?
I can't believe this.
What on Earth
possessed you to do this?
Are you through here?
It's beginning to look that way.
Well, I'm waiting, young man.
What have you got to say
for yourself?
I didn't inhale.
That is the most
pathetically lame excuse
I've ever heard.
Go to your room.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something
you should know.
Well, I'll say.
Why wasn't I told about this?
Well, I tried to tell you.
You told me to take care of it.
I didn't know
what the problem
was.
Because you wouldn't listen.
Because you didn't tell me
it was anything like this.
Oh, well, it's pointless
to continue this discussion.
You had chocolate
cake yesterday.
What's that bloody well
got to do with anything?
Low blood sugar.
You're completely irrational.
I'm irrational? Me?
Yes.
You're the one
twisting everything around.
Oh, so now I'm twisting?
You are the most exasperating,
infuriating...
I think I just
had
a small stroke.
Does that mean
we're not going to the carnival?
Miss Fine...
Well, it's very easy
for you to find fault.
You're off all day
with your glamorous
theater people.
I'm stuck at home
working like a dog,
raising the kids.
You're the nanny. It's your job.
Well, you're the father.
It's your job, too...
Mr. Sheffield... Sir.
Just go to your room.
Yes, you.
Can you believe
he sent me to my room?
He is so adorable sometimes.
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
No, no, wrong.
Totally wrong.
Make a note.
Fire the casting director.
Maxwell, you're being
an absolute beast
today.
I love it.
It's just that I know
exactly what I'm looking for.
I need a Broadway star
with huge stage presence
who's instantly recognizable
to the entire country.
♪♪ Hello... ♪♪
Next!
He's tough.
You're telling me.
Break a leg, honey...
His.
I love her.
Your song, please?
Oh, I get to sing too?
All right, um...
"People" in E flat.
Hit it.
Miss Fine!
Well, I can dream, can't I?
Take a break.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's take a break.
Miss Fine, we were in
the middle of
something.
Yes, I know.
That's why I'm here.
You know, you shouldn't
leave the house
with things unresolved.
That's why men die young.
That's not why.
It's because they want to.
The wife?
The nanny.
Look, we both know
that you walked out on me
because you were
losing the
argument.
I wasn't losing anything.
Trust me, when you induce
a stroke on your opponent,
it's a sure win.
I think you're winning again.
Well, it wasn't a fair fight.
You didn't have all the facts.
I don't think
I can take any
more.
Brighton got the idea to smoke
from a story
that he might've, maybe,
sort of heard from me.
From you?
Kind of.
Well, what did you tell him?
Well, he said that he was bad,
and so I told him about a kid
that was worse.
Who knew he'd take
it
as a challenge?
That's my boy.
Always striving
to reach new depths.
I'm the worse nanny
in the world.
All right,
Rebecca de Mornay, then me.
Oh, I could just
cut my tongue out,
so if you want to fire me,
do it now.
No, I'm not going to fire you,
although that offer
to cut out your tongue
might have some merit.
If you told Brighton
to jump off London Bridge...
God, I'm beginning to sound
just like...
I know.
Don't you hate
when that happens?
I still can't believe
that son of yours
didn't turn me in.
Yeah.
Why do you suppose that is?
Who knows?
He's probably got
some hideous torture
planned for me later.
No, I think perhaps...
I mean, could it be?
What?
He likes you?
Well, stranger
things
have happened.
No, you're the first nanny
Brighton's made any kind
of connection with.
His mother was the only one
that could handle him.
They had a special kind
of relationship.
He feared her.
Fear. That's the key.
Now we have to figure out a way
to scare him bad enough
that he never smokes again.
I sent him to his room.
Oh, please,
with a wide-screen TV
and a fully stocked mini-fridge?
Punish me.
So, what do you suggest?
Something much more cruel
and unusual.
We are are going to
have to consult
the high priestess
of punishment.
Hello, Ma?
Grandma Yetta...
Yeah?
It's Franny.
Who?
Franny, your granddaughter.
Oh, Franny, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
That's the one
good
thing about
senility.
You're always
meeting new people.
How you doing, angel?
Thank God
I've still got my health.
Maybe you two could go out
and have a smoke later.
Morty...
Morty, you never looked so good.
Did you get hair plugs?
Oh, no, Grandma,
that's not Daddy.
So who the hell are you?
Maxwell Sheffield.
We brought you some babka.
Cake? Put it away.
Save it for my room.
If they see babka,
they'll all want.
Uh, Grandma,
I want you to meet somebody.
Oh, I haven't seen you
since you were this big.
No, Yetta,
you've never met him before.
Oh.
Oy, Yetta,
you sound like
you're making
espresso
over there.
All right, all right.
I get the point.
Oh, no, you don't, bubele.
We're just getting started.
Why don't you go
visit with Yetta?
Over there?
Yeah, where the air
is nice and fresh.
Come here.
Let me have a look at that face.
Brighton was caught smoking.
Smoking? Feh!
You smoke.
Me it doesn't affect.
I'm like a horse.
But you,
you know what could happen?
We'll go meet Ethel,
phlegm in a hairnet.
Oh, please, not Ethel.
Not
Ethel!
I swear.
I'll never touch
another cigarette again.
Oh, God...
So what do you say
we go grab a cup of coffee
and break open the babka?
Babka?
Babka?
Give them the babka!
You know,
it's her first time
to the mansion
and she's my best friend,
so I just want her to drop dead.
How thoughtful.
Allow me. You pose.
Okay.
I'm dropping dead.
Mission accomplished.
May I take your coat?
Do I get a stub?
No, and you don't have
to tip him, either.
Oy, she's got no class.
Come on, Val, move your ass.
Oy, this place
is like the Taj Mahal.
Only with more bathrooms.
You never have to wait.
How come I'm still stuck
in Flushing,
and you're living like Jackie O?
Jackie O.'s two doors down.
Jackie O.'s your neighbor?
Uh-huh, and you know,
she's very concerned
about John-John.
You heard he quit
the D.A. job, huh?
Really?
Yeah, and now he ran off
to California
with that blond fish.
Oh, God.
Oh, go have kids.
Honey, it's all
in how you raise them.
With mine,
I've got no complaints.
You've been their nanny
for two weeks.
And I've worked wonders
with them.
Shut up, Brighton!
You shut up!
You're giving me
a nervous breakdown.
You see?
Before me,
they never communicated.
You know,
you're going to get pimples too,
someday, if you ever grow up.
Oh, that's a pimple?
I thought it was a small planet.
Leave your sister alone.
I can't.
The gravitational force
is sucking me in.
I'm giving it all she's got,
Captain.
I cannot break away.
You're so pathetic, Brighton.
We both hate you.
Good, then my work here is done.
Brighton, what's your problem?
I guess I'm just
bad to the bone.
Oh, honey,
you have no idea what bad is.
Now, the boys Val and I
went to school with,
they were bad, huh?
Oh, the worst.
Oh, yeah, and now
they're all taken.
Do you remember Lenny?
Sure. Lenny Brown,
baddest man in the whole damn...
Oh, no, that was Leroy...
But Lenny was bad.
And tough.
The kid had a smoker's cough
in the fourth grade.
Really?
He could blow smoke rings
out of his nose,
either nostril.
Remember when
he would light a match
off his zipper?
Honey, I'm still dreaming
about that one.
So he was cool, huh?
Oh, he was a god.
The James Dean of Flushing.
I wonder what
ever happened to him?
I hear he's a big shot
at R.J. Reynolds.
I should've nabbed him
right out of reform school.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell
makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪♪♪
If this facial doesn't work,
I think
I'm going to kill myself.
Maggie, would you relax?
It's just a little zit.
Yeah, but... Shut up, Brighton.
I dread puberty.
I have combination skin.
Here's where having me
for a nanny comes in handy.
You kids know
that I'm a graduate
of the Ultissima
Beauty Institute,
four times Dean's list?
And yet, she's so accessible.
What's that?
Orange rinds.
You know, at Elizabeth Arden,
they'll charge you $200
and call it aromatherapy.
Trust me.
You'll be gorgeous.
I see an improvement already.
What's this?
Some stupid thing
at my stupid
school.
Oh, a carnival!
Oh, me and Val
used to throw these
for Jerry's kids.
Who's Jerry?
Jerry Lewis.
He used to be hysterical.
Now he's hysterical in France.
Yeah, right.
Like we're going to go
to some dumb carnival.
Why? It says right here,
"Fun for the whole family."
Wouldn't we actually
need
to be a family first?
Dad's too busy.
He doesn't have
time
to spend with us.
Maybe Daddy's seeing
other children.
Let's not be paranoid.
I'm not paranoid.
Who said I was?
Help, Niles.
We need drinks,
and keep them coming.
I take it, sir,
the composer meetings
aren't going well.
Why isn't there
any new talent in this town?
The man in my office
is positively ancient.
He's not composing,
he's decomposing.
I've got something
that'll cheer you up.
There's a carnival at
Brighton's
school this Saturday.
Oh, "food,
rides,
games."
Sounds splendid.
By all means, take the children.
Have a wonderful time.
Well, I kind of thought
that the whole family would go.
That would include the father.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm seeing composers
all weekend.
Oh, well, that's understandable.
Why do I feel a "but" coming on?
No buts,
however, a carnival
would be a good way
for you to spend some time
with your kids,
and time is so fleeting
at this age.
While I appreciate
the skill and
subtlety
of your guilt mongering,
I am opening a
musical
in eight weeks.
So?
I have no music.
Oh.
Otherwise, I'd love to go.
"I'd love to go."
Brighton, don't be so smart,
Tracy, dear, take smaller bites,
and Maggie, do try to be
a bit more outgoing.
Well, carry on.
Well, he's got my vote
for father of the year.
Now, now,
he would if he could,
but he can't.
I mean, the man has to
make a living, don't he?
Well, how else can we afford
the lifestyle
to which I've become accustomed?
So I flunked facials.
We'll color it in
and call it a mole.
There. You look just like
Cindy Crawford.
I look like John-Boy Walton.
America loved him.
Hey, Mags.
Wow, you look really beautiful.
And?
And nothing.
You look really good.
Shut up, Brighton.
Why are you
being so nice
to your sister?
Who'd you kill?
Why does everyone
assume the worst of me?
It saves time.
You know,
we did handwriting analysis
in school today.
I found out I'm very vulnerable.
Oh, isn't that fascinating?
Gee, I don't suppose
you'd want to analyze
my handwriting?
Well, sure.
I might happen to have a piece
of old, unimportant
scrap paper somewhere.
Let's see.
Ah!
Why don't you sign
your name right
here?
Okay.
Sucker!
What just happened here?
Honey, I am so far ahead of you,
we're in different time zones.
Ooh, a note from the headmaster.
You're kidding?
Brighton Milhouse Sheffield!
You were caught smoking?
I was holding it for a friend.
Oh, please, Brighton.
Smoking?
That's disgusting.
It takes the idiots
that start that filthy habit
years to quit.
I still haven't knocked off
all the weight.
Where are you going?
Where do you think?
To tell your father.
You heard.
The man's busy.
Not too busy to hear this.
But he'll ship me off
to military school.
Can our country
really afford that?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Brighton, smoking.
Where would you ever even get
an idea like that?
From you...
Come to think of it.
Me?
Bad, bad Lenny Brown?
What?
Oh.
Oy.
So maybe we should
just keep this
our little secret.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to blackmail me?
Let's just say
if I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
Who are you,
Edward G. Robinson?
You think I'm
going
to be intimidated
by somebody that can walk
under a coffee table?
He's going to fire me.
I'd fire me.
Just when I figured out
the bidet
is not a water fountain.
Yech!
What am I doing?
I quit.
I've got to learn to
deal with my problems
without a crutch.
What's to eat?
What was I thinking,
telling a story like that
to a 10-year-old kid?
On the other hand,
if I told him to jump
off the Empire State Building...
Hello.
That was my mother's voice
that just crossed
the Queensborough Bridge
and flew out my mouth.
But with such dulcet tones.
Oh, boy,
this is so typical of kids.
You try and you try,
and what do you get?
A slap in the face.
Oy! My mother again.
Niles, call an exorcist.
The previous nannies signed
all of Master Brighton's
discipline reports themselves.
You're kidding?
The nanny can do that?
Of course.
In fact, Nanny Six retired
with carpal tunnel syndrome.
You know, Brighton wanted me
to sign that note,
but at the time,
he was just looking
to save his butt.
Of course, now that I'm looking
to save mine,
it's not such a bad idea.
No.
I've got to tell Mr. Sheffield
what I did.
If I don't,
the evil eye'll get me.
I'll be hit by a bus for sure.
The evil eye?
Your mother again?
No. Grandma Yetta.
You know, Miss Fine,
it's always a pleasure
spending time
with you and your family.
The kind of music
that I hear for this
show
is kind of a, you
know,
Bacharach-David,
kind of a Promises, Promises
♪♪ Ya da da
Ya da da da ♪♪
♪♪ Ya da da
Ya da da da da ♪♪
Bounce, bounce.
Lots of bounce.
I'm not sure.
You're right.
Dated! Awful!
Out!
Knock, knock.
Yes, Miss Fine?
What is it?
And quickly, please.
We have eight more
composers to see
today...
and you're right up there.
Well?
Um, this isn't the right time.
I don't want to annoy you.
Too late. Go on.
Okay.
It's about Brighton.
Yes.
Well, remember the other day
Val and I were talking
in the kitchen?
Or was it the living room?
Anyway, it was somewhere
in the house...
and it's such a nice house.
You know, that's
a lovely painting.
Who are those people?
Miss Fine.
It's just that brings
the color out
in the couch so nice.
Yeah, well,
they say Rembrandt goes
with everything.
Now what about
Brighton.
Is he injured?
No.
Well, is there property damage?
No.
Is he missing?
No. He's right upstairs.
Well, then, what
are you doing
here?
Isn't this something you
can handle on your own?
Honestly, Maxwell,
what is the point
of having a nanny
if she can't take care of
these things on her own?
Isn't that what I just said?
Yes, but I wanted to say it too.
Look, Miss Fine,
whatever it is,
just take care of
it.
I'm giving you carte
blanche,
all right?
All right.
Oh, well, Niles,
that was easier
than
I thought it would
be.
You didn't tell him, did you?
No.
What about Grandma Yetta's
evil eye?
Oh, that's just
an oldboba-mayse.
Bubba... whatsa?
Aboba-mayse.
It's like an old wives' tale.
Honestly, Niles, it's the '90s.
For God's sakes,
who believes in
the evil eye
anyway?
Oy...
You're up early.
I couldn't sleep.
Mm-hmm.
I had indigestion.
It has nothing to do
with a guilty
conscience,
if that's what you're implying.
Crêêpes?
Back off, Niles.
I said I would punish the kid.
What else do you want?
Dare I suggest syrup?
Oh, what's
with the third degree?
I tried to tell him.
The man doesn't listen.
Everything I say goes in one ear
and out the other.
Good morning, Miss Fine.
I've been thinking
about what you said.
What?
What did I say?
About spending more time
with the children.
There, see,
I've already started.
Children,
we are going to the carnival.
All of us?
Mm-hmm. The whole family.
We're going to go on the rides,
we're going to eat cotton candy.
It'll be
like being a child again.
And it'll give me a chance
to talk
to Brighton's headmaster,
see what he's been up to.
Oops.
These things can get so sticky.
You know, I kind of soured
on that whole carnival thing.
It's so cold and windy.
It's in the gymnasium.
It's hot and stuffy.
Miss Fine,
I've just rearranged
my entire schedule,
and now you're telling
me
you don't want to go?
Well, I'm not God.
I don't make the weather.
But you insisted.
I wasn't feeling 100% that day.
I think I was ovulating.
Your eggs, sir.
Well, you may stay at home,
but we are going.
Do something.
Okay, I'll do
what I should've done
in the first place.
Hear, hear.
Here.
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something
you should know.
Brighton.
We don't care
that you're on parole.
Everyone deserves
a second chance.
Fine. I'll tell him.
Um, Mr. Sheffield,
when we go to the carnival,
the headmaster
may mention something
about Brighton smoking,
but he's quit and he's sorry,
and there's nothing for you
to worry about.
Niles, these crêêpes are divine.
And so light.
My mother makes a blintz
that could double
for a mattress.
Girls, you may be excused.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Smoking, Brighton?
I can't believe this.
What on Earth
possessed you to do this?
Are you through here?
It's beginning to look that way.
Well, I'm waiting, young man.
What have you got to say
for yourself?
I didn't inhale.
That is the most
pathetically lame excuse
I've ever heard.
Go to your room.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something
you should know.
Well, I'll say.
Why wasn't I told about this?
Well, I tried to tell you.
You told me to take care of it.
I didn't know
what the problem
was.
Because you wouldn't listen.
Because you didn't tell me
it was anything like this.
Oh, well, it's pointless
to continue this discussion.
You had chocolate
cake yesterday.
What's that bloody well
got to do with anything?
Low blood sugar.
You're completely irrational.
I'm irrational? Me?
Yes.
You're the one
twisting everything around.
Oh, so now I'm twisting?
You are the most exasperating,
infuriating...
I think I just
had
a small stroke.
Does that mean
we're not going to the carnival?
Miss Fine...
Well, it's very easy
for you to find fault.
You're off all day
with your glamorous
theater people.
I'm stuck at home
working like a dog,
raising the kids.
You're the nanny. It's your job.
Well, you're the father.
It's your job, too...
Mr. Sheffield... Sir.
Just go to your room.
Yes, you.
Can you believe
he sent me to my room?
He is so adorable sometimes.
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
♪♪ I'm in love ♪♪
No, no, wrong.
Totally wrong.
Make a note.
Fire the casting director.
Maxwell, you're being
an absolute beast
today.
I love it.
It's just that I know
exactly what I'm looking for.
I need a Broadway star
with huge stage presence
who's instantly recognizable
to the entire country.
♪♪ Hello... ♪♪
Next!
He's tough.
You're telling me.
Break a leg, honey...
His.
I love her.
Your song, please?
Oh, I get to sing too?
All right, um...
"People" in E flat.
Hit it.
Miss Fine!
Well, I can dream, can't I?
Take a break.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's take a break.
Miss Fine, we were in
the middle of
something.
Yes, I know.
That's why I'm here.
You know, you shouldn't
leave the house
with things unresolved.
That's why men die young.
That's not why.
It's because they want to.
The wife?
The nanny.
Look, we both know
that you walked out on me
because you were
losing the
argument.
I wasn't losing anything.
Trust me, when you induce
a stroke on your opponent,
it's a sure win.
I think you're winning again.
Well, it wasn't a fair fight.
You didn't have all the facts.
I don't think
I can take any
more.
Brighton got the idea to smoke
from a story
that he might've, maybe,
sort of heard from me.
From you?
Kind of.
Well, what did you tell him?
Well, he said that he was bad,
and so I told him about a kid
that was worse.
Who knew he'd take
it
as a challenge?
That's my boy.
Always striving
to reach new depths.
I'm the worse nanny
in the world.
All right,
Rebecca de Mornay, then me.
Oh, I could just
cut my tongue out,
so if you want to fire me,
do it now.
No, I'm not going to fire you,
although that offer
to cut out your tongue
might have some merit.
If you told Brighton
to jump off London Bridge...
God, I'm beginning to sound
just like...
I know.
Don't you hate
when that happens?
I still can't believe
that son of yours
didn't turn me in.
Yeah.
Why do you suppose that is?
Who knows?
He's probably got
some hideous torture
planned for me later.
No, I think perhaps...
I mean, could it be?
What?
He likes you?
Well, stranger
things
have happened.
No, you're the first nanny
Brighton's made any kind
of connection with.
His mother was the only one
that could handle him.
They had a special kind
of relationship.
He feared her.
Fear. That's the key.
Now we have to figure out a way
to scare him bad enough
that he never smokes again.
I sent him to his room.
Oh, please,
with a wide-screen TV
and a fully stocked mini-fridge?
Punish me.
So, what do you suggest?
Something much more cruel
and unusual.
We are are going to
have to consult
the high priestess
of punishment.
Hello, Ma?
Grandma Yetta...
Yeah?
It's Franny.
Who?
Franny, your granddaughter.
Oh, Franny, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
That's the one
good
thing about
senility.
You're always
meeting new people.
How you doing, angel?
Thank God
I've still got my health.
Maybe you two could go out
and have a smoke later.
Morty...
Morty, you never looked so good.
Did you get hair plugs?
Oh, no, Grandma,
that's not Daddy.
So who the hell are you?
Maxwell Sheffield.
We brought you some babka.
Cake? Put it away.
Save it for my room.
If they see babka,
they'll all want.
Uh, Grandma,
I want you to meet somebody.
Oh, I haven't seen you
since you were this big.
No, Yetta,
you've never met him before.
Oh.
Oy, Yetta,
you sound like
you're making
espresso
over there.
All right, all right.
I get the point.
Oh, no, you don't, bubele.
We're just getting started.
Why don't you go
visit with Yetta?
Over there?
Yeah, where the air
is nice and fresh.
Come here.
Let me have a look at that face.
Brighton was caught smoking.
Smoking? Feh!
You smoke.
Me it doesn't affect.
I'm like a horse.
But you,
you know what could happen?
We'll go meet Ethel,
phlegm in a hairnet.
Oh, please, not Ethel.
Not
Ethel!
I swear.
I'll never touch
another cigarette again.
Oh, God...
So what do you say
we go grab a cup of coffee
and break open the babka?
Babka?
Babka?
Give them the babka!