The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Nanny - full transcript

Oh, honey, are you gorgeous!

You look just like a virgin.

Here, I brought
you some crackers

for your morning sickness.

So when are you and Danny
gonna set a date already?

Oh, you know me,

always a bridal
consultant, never a bride.

Right, Danny?
What can I say?

Well, how about,
"Here's a ring. Pick a pattern?"

I'm serious.

We've been pre-engaged
for three years already.



I'm sorry.

I should've said this sooner.

I wanted to do it
some place nice.

Oh, wow.

All right. Here goes.

I've been thinking...

we should start
seeing other people.

What? Since when
you been thinking that?

Since I saw Heather Bibelow.

I can't believe
you're telling me this.

What, were you
stringing me along

because I'm your best salesgirl?

That's the other thing.

Heather needs a job.



You're firing me?

I can't believe
I just wasted three years

of an ever-dwindling youth
on you and this dump!

You can't fire me,
Danny Imperiali.

I quit!

No. You fired me.

That way,
I can collect unemployment.

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪

♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style,
she had flair, she was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Hello, I'm Fran Fine,

your Shades of the Orient
cosmetics representative.

Oy, what a loser.

Hello, I'm Fran Fine...

Yes, come in.
We've been expecting you.

Oh, you have?

You are here for
the nanny position?

I could be.

Wow, this place is nicer

than my Uncle Jack's condo
in Boca,

and, you know,
he bought the model.

May I present your résumé
to Mr. Sheffield?

Uh... résumé?

You know what? Why don't you
go get this Mr. Sheffield,

and I'll do
the résumé presenting myself.

As you wish.

This ought to be good.

We're never gonna find
an actress for this part.

Ann Miller passed.
Gwen Verdon passed.

Ruby Keeler passed...

away, I believe.

What's she doing on this list?

Relax, darling.

You need a shiatsu.

Sorry to interrupt, sir.

I see you're
working hard as always,

Miss Babcock.

Theater has always been
a passion of mine.

Hmm. I can't wait to see
what you'll be mounting next.

Yes, Niles. What is it?

Sir, there is a new nanny
waiting to be interviewed.

What happened to the old one?

Brighton staged
another fake suicide.

Best one yet. Spread-eagle
on the marble

with a bit of catsup
trickling from his ears.

We've got half the money people

in New York coming
to our backers' party,

and I will not have those
children running loose!

Not that I don't love them
as if they were my very own.

Mm-hmm.

I do.

Oh!

Oh...

Ah...

Ohh.

Do you have a pen?

Oh, forget it.

Brighton, you're
losing your touch.

I'm Maxwell Sheffield.

This is my son,

the late Brighton Sheffield.

Wait. I know you.

Esquire

"New York's
10 most Eligible Widowers."

My condolences, by the way.

You readEsquire?

When they list the 10 most
eligible widowers, I do.

Hi. I'm Fran Fine.

Well, do come in.

Oh, boy, do you have
gorgeous tchotchkes.

Ah... I beg your pardon.

Oh, you know, your bric-a-brac,
dust collectors.

Ah, the Rodin.
Yes, well...

He was... He was well-known
for his bronze tchotchkes.

May I see your résumé, please?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Crayon?
Lipstick.

Of course,
and what a lovely shade.

I hate her.

Now, Brighton,
let's not be hasty.

Yeah, I haven't even sung
"Climb Every Mountain" yet.

Miss Fine,
you seem to have listed

the Queen Mother as a reference.

What? Let me see that.

Oh, no.
That's not the Queen Mother.

That's my mother from Queens!

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Maggie.

Hello, Father.

Oh, boy, are you gorgeous!

And look at that hair.

You see, now, you
cannot get color like that

from out of a bottle.
No way.

I'll be in my room
doing my homework.

Really lights up a room,
doesn't she?

You don't need personality
when you're an heiress.

So, sweetheart,

how was therapy today, hmm?

Any, uh... any breakthroughs?

Dr. Borne and I
did some regression.

She took me
back through my childhood.

Must have been a quick trip.

Oh, you have no idea
how complicated I am.

Therapy, huh?

It was a lot easier
than talking to us directly.

All right.
That's it.
Brighton, go to your room.

All right.
Come on, Gracie.

Let's leave Father alone
to hire someone else

to take care
of his problem children.

Oh, you're a bitter
little person, aren't you?

We're gonna get along fine.

I'm... I'm sorry
you had to see that.

I'll show you out.

What'd I do?
One smart-ass
remark from the kid,

and I don't get the job?

That's not fair.

As you can see,
I need help here...

more help than can be provided

by a door-to-door
cosmetics girl.

Niles?

Niles!

Oh, for God's sakes,
I'll get it.

Sheffield residence.

No, honey, it's Fran.

Give me that.

It's the nanny agency.

Maxwell Sheffield here.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

No, no.
Monday is not acceptable.

Listen,
I need a nanny this weekend.

Do you have
any experience with children?

Are you kidding?

I practically raised
my sister's two kids

when she was suing
her chiropodist.

There has to be another agency.

Oh, please!
I come from Flushing.

There is nothing
these kids can throw at me

that I haven't seen before,

except maybe their trust funds.

All right. You're hired,
but on a trial basis.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield!

Thank you so much.
You won't regret it.

Somehow, I'm rather sure I will.

Niles will show
you to your room.

Oh! The nanny gets to live here?

Is that a problem?

Oh, yeah. I'm sure
I'm gonna miss being 29

and still living at home
with my parents,

but, if it's best
for the kids...

Twenty-nine.

Don't start with me, Niles.

Good morning, everyone!

Ooh, that Jacuzzi tub
really knows

how to perk a girl up
in the morning.

Do you people sleep like that?

No. In a rather
astounding coincidence,

I sleep in a pair
of pink, fuzzy slippers
just like yours.

A simple
"We dress for breakfast"

would suffice.

You have to tell me
these things, Niles.

I simply assumed...

Don't assume anything with me.

I'm from Flushing,
for God's sakes.

Oh, I just love a good buffet.

It's free, Miss Fine.

You're allowed to go back.

Oh!

Oh... where do I sit?

The previous nanny
sat in the kitchen.

Oh, how antisocial!

So, kids,
what should we do today?

Should we take
a walk in the park

or maybe just kick back,
hang around the mansion?

We have to go somewhere.

Father's kicked us out again.

Now, Brighton,
I didn't kick you out.

I merely asked that
you not torment the caterers

while they're preparing
for this evening's soirée.

Oh, a soirée, huh?

Well, I got a sister
who's a caterer.

She does a "pork-o de pruneau."

That's French
for "pork and prune."

Not only delicious,
but a natural digestive.

Thank you for
sharing
that, Miss Fine.

I could get you a deal.

That's all right.
C.C.'s made
all the arrangements.

C.C.? What's a C.C.?

Father's lady friend.

Maggie, dear,
she's a business associate.

Mm-hm.

Well, I just hope
there's enough food.

You know, shiksas are notorious

for not ordering enough food.

Booze, yes, but food,
they don't know from.

Shiksa. Is that
like a
tchotchke?

Yes, but...
They cost a lot more.

It's Ms.
Babcock for you, sir.

Oh, thank you, Niles.

I'll take her in the library.

Ms. Babcock loves to
be taken in the library.

I'll bet.

So, kids, we're having a party.

What are we gonna wear?

We're not invited.

And neither are you.

Oh, come on.
Your father's paying for it.

Of course, we're invited.

We'll eat, drink.
You'll bring a date.

Maggie doesn't date.

Never?

The boys haven't noticed me yet.

Oh, they've noticed,
Maggie, and...

that's why you don't date!

What is wrong
with you, Brighton?

Middle-child syndrome.

Thank you, Sybil.

Now, knock it off.

Knock it off, all of you.
We're a family here.

Now, we have a party tonight.

There's a lot we have to do.

We'll go shopping,
get our hair done,

get a manicure...

You'll get a French tip.
It's a very clean look.

So I'll go get changed,

and then we'll go, we'll do.

Let me just take this.
I hate to waste.

Dad is gonna hate this.

C.C.'s going to totally freak.

Sounds like a party to me!

So, well, what's
your favorite color?

I... I don't know. Beige?

Oy!

So, Gracie,
how are you doing, honey?

I'm feeling empty and alone.

You want a Tic Tac?

Okay!
Right on.

So tell me about
your new job already.

Who's the guy?
Where's the house?

I brought pictures. Wait.

Here.

That's my boss.
Cute, huh?

A little repressed, though.

What a head of hair!
And it's all his.

Oh, that's the butler, Niles.

A butler?
That's very classy!

Val, it's like living
at Caesar's Palace.

And the kids.
Yeah, well, you know.

They're gonna need
the most work.

I mean, that one's
got no personality.

This one's
got multiple personalities.

And Brighton...

Brighton?
Where's Brighton?

Are these dummies
anatomically correct?

What do you care?

You're 10 years old.
Would you be normal?

Oh, cool! A cockroach.

Hey, you got any rats?

Wait till Danny gets back.

Where is he, anyway?

Getting his back waxed.

Oh, good.
So we got all day.

Okay, well.

We gotta make Maggie beautiful.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Shut up, Brighton!

Hey, be nicer to your sister.

Why, because we're a family?

Yes, that's right, and some day,

your father's gonna be
old and sick,

You're gonna want him
to live with her.

It's so fancy.

Everyone'll look at me.

So? They'll think
you're a beautiful girl.

I... I don't know.

I'm not good at this
like you are.

Honey, that's what I'm here for.

What do you think?
You turn 14, and boom,

you've got the savoir faire
and sophistication

of a woman of my years
and experience?

Look, when I was 14...

Oh, go try it on.

Who knew this job
would be so demanding?

Please! I'm exhausted!

Has anyone told you

how handsome
you look this evening?

Maxwell, you're such a flirt.

It's going rather
well, don't you think?

Oh, it's perfect.

The food is exquisite,
the music divine,

and the guests
obscenely wealthy.

Doesn't Ivana look marvelous?

My surgeon, of course.

Miss Fine would like
a word with you, sir.

Really? Where is she?

I'm up here.

What's that?

That's... the nanny.

♪♪ Hey, hey, the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ The fellas are crazy
For the lady in red... ♪♪

Look at that dress.

Maxwell!

You look... nice too.
I said that.

Handsome.
You said handsome.

You like?
I borrowed it from my cousin,

Miss Long Island, 1989.

A very good year.

I just wanted to tell
you the children are ready.

For what?
To come to the party.

Miss Fine, the children
are not invited to the party.

They're not?

Oh, is my face red?

Well, now it matches
the rest of you.

Oh, there's that rapier wit
we've come to count on.

Yes, now we've
all met each other.

Why don't you go back upstairs

and inform the children
they can't come.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, Miss Fine, you play dirty.

Hello, sweetheart.

Do you like my party dress?

Loehmann's, 70% off.

She'll never shop retail again.

Hi, Dad. Surprised?

No tricks, Brighton.

Best behavior.
Hmm.

All right.

Come on, Maggie.
Don't be shy, honey.

My God. I had no idea how much
she looked like her mother.

Do you like it?

Oh... you look so...

so grown-up.

So, Daddy,
can we come to the party?

Of course you can.

We'll discuss this later.

Friends...

Friends, can I have
your attention, please?

Before I tell you a little
about my latest production,

I'd like to introduce to you

the three greatest productions
of my life,

my dear children.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Couldn't you just drop dead?

I don't know.
Could you?

Let me take a picture.

Uh, Miss Fine,
I think you've done enough...

Lovely family, Sheffield.

Smile, everyone.

Great!

You might want to...

keep a low profile.

You're a little
out of your element here.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've been
to my share of affairs.

My Uncle Jack threw
a weekend bar mitzvah

with a Star Trek
they're still talking about.

Good night, Ivana!

Don't worry, honey.
You'll find someone else too.

Niles, more.

Well, do I count four zeros
on this check?

All right.
I'll admit it.

Having the children
here this evening

wasn't the complete disaster
it might have been.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you gush.

All right, all right.
It went splendidly.

Here, let me put that...
thank you...

with the others.

Well, congratulations,
Nanny Fine.

It seems you pulled it off.

Oh, what could possibly go wrong

when you put a father together
with his children?

I think I'm gonna be ill.

Maggie!

Daddy!

Mr. Sheffield,
I was just...

You were just leaving!

Right.

Eddie, wait!

Maggie?

Maggie, come back here!

Eddie!

Maggie.

How could you
embarrass me like that?

What's going on?
That... that boy

was mauling her on the balcony.

It was just a kiss.

He kissed you?

Yeah.
Oh!

Your first kiss.
That's so exciting.

Let me get the camera.

Miss Fine, this is not exciting.

It's appalling.
She's just a child.

I am not!
She's not, you know.

I think I'm starting
to feel better.

Dad, I'm 14 years old.

You know, when I was 14...

Oh, maybe this
isn't the right time.

Maggie, go to bed,
and take that makeup off.

Oh...

You!
Me?

Yes, you. This wouldn't
have happened without
you.

Yes, definitely feeling better.

What the hell did I do?

What did you do? You took
an innocent schoolgirl,

you dolled her up,
and turned her into...

A young woman.

She's just a little girl.

Get outta here. She's a woman,
I'm telling you

and unless you're gonna dip her
in bronze and stick her

on the shelf with the rest
of your collectibles,

she is going to grow up,

and somebody's gotta help her.

Oh, you are way out of line.

She's not your child.

That's right, she's not.

If she were, she wouldn't
be
upstairs crying right now

on what should be
a very memorable

and exciting evening.

Thank you for
your candor and concern.

You're welcome!
You're fired.

Fired?

After all
that I've done for you,

this is the thanks that I get?

You can't fire me,
Maxwell Sheffield.

I quit!

No. You fired me.

That way,
I can collect unemployment.

I drove Ms. Babcock home
and called Betty Ford.

They'll pick her up
in the morning.

Thank you, Niles.

I noticed you didn't get
a chance to eat, sir.

I thought you might
be a bit peckish.

I overreacted, didn't I?

Like Reagan in Grenada.

It's just that...

Maggie looked
so like her mother.

I've already lost Sarah. I...

I didn't want to lose
my little girl.

I quite understand, sir.

What is this?

I believe Miss Fine calls it
"a light nosh."

It's delicious.

Miss Fine, eh?

Yes, sir.

Just what you needed.

Niles, you're not talking
about the sandwich, are you?

No, sir...

not the sandwich.

Fran, you need a Mallomar?

Oh, no, Ma. Food's not the
answer to everything.

Meanwhile,
your father and I have based

our entire relationship
around food.

Passion goes. Sex goes.

Communication, we never had...

but food is forever.

Okay.

Morty!

You want another Mallomar?

Morty!

Ma, Daddy can't hear you.

He's watching the game.

Why can't I find a guy like him,

deaf and on a pension.

You will.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, God. Ma.

Mr. Sheffield.

I'm sorry to disturb you,
Miss Fine.

I just wanted to drop off
the rest of your things.

You could never
disturb anyone, darling.

I'm Fran's mother, Sylvia.

Maxwell Sheffield.

Come on in.
I'll make you some Ovaltine.

Oh, well, I'm sure
I'd love some,

but I really can't stay.

There's a mob surrounding
the limousine.

Oh, I'll take care of that.

Wait a minute here.

Get away from that limo!
Nobody died.

There's no vacancies.

It's dog-eat-dog

when you got a two-bedroom
that's rent control.

Have a seat.

Here, wait a minute.

Put on some blush.

Ma, can we have
a little privacy?

All right.
I can take a hint.

Mr. Sheffield, enchantée.

You have plastic
on your furniture.

Yeah. They're preserving
it for the afterlife.

How's Maggie?

Well, she isn't speaking to me,

but Brighton tells me
she's fine.

Brighton?
Yes.

He's been surprisingly
attentive to her.

Wouldn't tell me why.

Kept saying something
about me getting old

and where I'd live.

Kids.
Hmm.

I'm sorry things
didn't work out.

Oh, look, I mean, uh...

you and I, we come
from very different worlds.

I mean, if I were
you, and I hired me...

I'd be thrilled.
Who's kidding who?

Yes, but you're not me.

As a matter of fact,
you're not like anyone
else I've ever met...

which is not altogether
a bad thing...

necessarily.

Perhaps if we tried to respect
each other's differences,

we could give it another go?

Are you asking me to come back?

So it seems.

So, what you're really saying is

you feel terrible about
this whole damn thing,

and if you could,
you'd get down on
your hands and knees

and apologize.

Miss Fine... Apology accepted!

Ma, pack my things.
He wants me back!

Smile!