The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 17 - Stop the Wedding, I Want to Get Off - full transcript
Maxwell's sister comes to visit and she decides then to marry her intended.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No, I love you too,
and miss you terribly.
Who's he talking to?
What's it worth to you?
It's my sister from London.
I didn't know Maxwell
had a sister.
Well, now we know what
you're worth to him.
All right,
I'll see you then, Jocelyn.
Bye.
Oh, was that your sister?
Oh, I hope you said hi for me.
Why does Miss Fine
know about it?
He talks in his sleep.
Is, uh,
everything
all right, sir?
Yes. Jocelyn's
coming for a visit,
and she's bringing a man.
Oh, what a great hostess gift.
Gee, I hope she knows my size.
Are you sure you heard
her correctly, sir?
She's not bringing a ham?
No, I
distinctly
heard "man."
Astounding.
Unbelievable.
Boy, this poor girl
must be the Hound
of the Baskervilles.
On the contrary, Miss Fine,
Jocelyn's very attractive
and terribly effusive.
A good roll-on
could
take care of that.
It's just that Miss
Jocelyn has never
brought someone home
to meet the family.
She's never gotten serious
about any particular gentleman.
Oh, I got you.
Yeah, that's just
like my cousin
Gladys,
but, you know, she's very happy,
and if you ever
need
your radiator
flushed,
she's your man.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Oh, Niles,
I want to make a good impression
on Mr.
Sheffield's
sister.
You think this outfit is okay?
Oh, perhaps something
a bit more conservative.
You haven't even looked yet.
All right. I looked.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, it's all right, Niles.
That'll be Jocelyn. I'll get it.
Mopsy!
Puddleducks!
Oh! Got you last.
Jos, haven't we grown
out of these childish games?
Ah! Made you flinch.
You!
Mm.
Puddleducks? Mopsy?
Why, Miss Fine, didn't you have
a nickname for your sister?
Yeah. Moron.
Hi. Fran Fine.
I'm the nanny.
Oh, lovely to meet you,
and I'd like you all to meet
Nigel Waters, Duke of Salisbury.
Oh,
I love your steaks.
Thank you.
Lord Worcestershire and I
get together every Sunday
for a barbecue.
And the Earl of Sandwich
pops by for leftovers.
[GUFFAWING]
Oh, I never got
Benny Hill,
either.
JOCELYN:
Oh, thank you,
Lester.
You remember Lester,
don't you, Maxy?
Uh, sorry, no.
Sir, he's been her chauffeur
for 20 years.
Oh, don't blame yourself, sir.
You've probably only ever seen
the back of my head.
Oh, Lester!
Yes, of course.
Oh, good to see you
again, old man.
Thank you, sir.
So, you're a Duke.
Have you got a brother?
[BRAYS]
Maxwell,
you described her laugh
all wrong in your letters.
It's nothing like
theQ.E. 2
adrift in a fog.
Mr. Sheffield,
you've been writing about me?
Yes, well...
So, uh, how was
your flight?
Oh, marvelous.
We even had a massage
on the plane.
Oh, wow. Some plane.
The last Supersaver I took,
I didn't need a brassiere.
I had my knees.
Let's just pop
some food in there,
shall we?
So, this is wonderful.
How long have you two
known each other?
Yes, was it love at first sight?
Yes. The moment
I laid eyes on
her,
I thought, "My
God,
she's suitable."
Thank you, darling.
And the moment I saw him,
I thought,
"He seems nice."
Oh, dash it all, darling.
Do you want to tell them,
or shall I?
We're engaged.
You go ahead.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh!
[YELPS]
Ah... oh.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I got to call my mother.
We have never had
a Duke in the family before.
Well, we did once,
but we had to have
him
put him to sleep.
This is so scrummy, Niles.
Yes, I remembered
steak and kidney pie
was your favorite.
And you complained
about my mother's cooking?
At least she steered clear
of the urinary tract.
So, did you and Uncle Nigel
have fun on the boat?
What boat, darling?
Fran said you hooked
a really big fish.
Oh, eat up.
Maxwell, your
children are
charming.
Oh...
Oh, dear,
we forgot to buy them presents.
Well, let me give you money.
Oh, Nigel, that's not necessary.
Oh, you're sure? I have lots.
I wouldn't miss it at all.
Quite sure.
Excuse me, Dad,
but I believe he
was
talking to us.
Brighton, don't be greedy.
God'll punish you.
Good evening, everyone.
See?
Jocelyn, Nigel,
I'd like you to meet
my business partner,
Miss C.C. Babcock.
Actually, I'm more like
part of the family.
Yes, we keep
putting
her out at night,
and she keeps
finding
her way back.
So, have you two set a date?
Oh, who's had time?
I'm still exhausted
from our month in Tahiti.
Oh, you know,
you really ought to set a date
if you want to book
a catering hall,
and if you want an accordion,
you're really gonna have
to move fast.
Fran was a bridal consultant
at Danny's Parisian
Brides for Less.
Maggie, please.
Head bridal consultant.
Say, why don't you
have the wedding right here?
I could throw you an affair
that's to die for.
I kept my rolodex.
Miss Fine,
that's a splendid idea.
Ha. I can just see
the wedding pictures
now.
The Duke and Duchess
of Salisbury
at opposite ends
of a 10-foot hero.
[LAUGHS]
Darling,
are we free this Sunday?
No. We're golfing
with the
Worthingtons.
Oh, pooh.
I hate the Worthingtons.
I don't much care for golf.
Then let's get married.
It's a perfect excuse.
Okay,
but let's keep it simple.
Smart.
I always say,
put the money
towards the castle.
Then it's settled.
We'll get married this Sunday.
Pass the salt.
I'm so happy
for the both of you.
Oh,mazel tov.
That's "pip pip" in Yiddish.
Meanwhile, Niles,
this is one recipe
that you can pull
from your
repertoire.
Well, as it happens,
steak and kidney pie
is also Lady Diana's favorite.
And they wonder
why she's always throwing up.
Gracie, sweetheart,
what's the matter?
I can't be a flower girl.
It's too much pressure.
Aw.
What if Aunt Jocelyn
slips on my petals
and falls and breaks her leg?
Then we'd have to shoot her
like my pony.
Aw, sweetie.
Why don't you go upstairs,
take a nice, hot, relaxing bath?
Put in some of that
aroma therapy
I bought you.
The sage?
No. I think
that's for PMS.
Try the lavender.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it!
Oh.
Finally.
Hi.
Hey.
Wow!
Nice place, huh?
Where's Elly May and Jethro?
I don't know how
I'm gonna top it
unless I get a job
working for Siegfried and Roy,
but something tells me
they're not gonna
be needing a
nanny.
Here's the stuff I brought you
from the bridal shop.
Oh.
See ya.
Well, what's your rush?
I thought you were
gonna help me
with the wedding plans
so that you can
hang out with Maggie.
Well, I was, but after
seeing how she lives,
I realize I'm not in her league.
Oh, don't be thrown
by all these trappings.
This is just an average,
ordinary house.
Oh, excuse me.
I've just got to ask
the butler something.
Have you seen the Duke?
Oh, he
and Mr. Sheffield
have gone yacht shopping.
Smart. Avoid
the Christmas
rush.
Sweetie, don't be intimidated.
I'm telling you,
Maggie is just a normal,
down-to-earth girl.
Oh, hey-ho!
Hi.
Got to go.
Hi, Kenny.
Bye, Maggie.
Where's he going?
I think the leather boots
probably scared him off.
It's a Jewish thing.
Jocelyn, come on.
I want you to see
what I just had brought over
from the bridal shop.
It's a genuine copy
of a knockoff
of an Yves St. Laurent.
It kind of screams,
"I'm getting married,"
don't you think?
Well, honey,
you're marrying a Duke.
If it were me,
I would be throwing leaflets
out of the Goodyear blimp,
and my mother
would be flying it.
Come on.
I need some information
from you and the betrothed
about the wedding.
Oh.
Now, what's your favorite song?
I don't believe we have one.
Oh, come on,
you got to have one.
"Evergreen"?
"Close to You"?
Not even "Duke of Earl"?
No.
What was your favorite song?
Well, I'm partial
to "You Better Shop Around,"
but that would be more
appropriate for a shower.
Maybe we should just
flip a coin.
Gee, no offense,
but you're really pretty blasé
about this whole event.
You love the Duke, right?
Who wouldn't?
He's solid and dependable
and best of all...
his mother's dead.
Oh.
Enough said.
Well, we've still got to deal
with the matchbooks,
napkins, seating charts,
the yarmulkes...
Oh. Yeah.
Well, that should take
some of the pressure off.
I think I'll leave
the little details
to you.
I'm going to go for a drive.
Oh.
Lester!
Yes, miss.
What took you so long?
I'd like to go...
Go to the park, miss?
You read my mind.
Oh, well, then maybe
you can tell me.
What's her favorite flower,
her favorite color,
what she likes to drink?
Roses, peach, Perrier Jouet.
Oh.
Well...
He's better than Dionne Warwick.
Oh, I'm telling you, Niles,
I get a strange vibe
from this whole marriage.
Bridal consultant's intuition?
The last time I did a wedding
with this level of excitement,
it involved my cleaning girl
and a green card...
and even she requested
"Guantanamera."
Oh, mark my words.
Jocelyn don't love the Duke.
British women are not known
for displaying their passion.
Believe me. I've been there.
Niles, I'm telling you,
be it Great
Britain
or Great Neck,
women in love are all the same.
When I was engaged to Danny...
Hmm?
All right, pre-engaged.
I knew his favorite song,
his favorite food,
his favorite back wax.
I didn't miss a thing,
except that little affair
with Heather Biblow.
And now you know
his favorite hobby.
Don't start with me, Niles.
I'm telling you,
when a woman is
in love with a
man,
she should be
swept off her
feet.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, hello there.
Oh, I took a bit of a spill.
You can put me down
now, Lester. I'm fine.
No, miss, I insist on
taking you up to your room.
Oh, he spoils me so.
[LAUGHING]
Well, I got the song.
"Baby, You Could
Drive My Car."
[KNOCKING]
Mr. Sheffield.
Mr. Sheffield, are you up?
Mr. Sheffield, it's me.
[GROANING]
What is it?
You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Miss Fine...
Oh, look.
I never pictured you
in pajamas like that.
Not that I pictured
you
without pajamas,
although I could.
I've seen you
naked.
Should I start again?
No.
Let's forge ahead, shall we?
I think you should
call off the wedding
because your sister
doesn't love the Duke.
She's in love
with her chauffeur.
Jocelyn and Lester?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God. When did
she tell you this?
Oh, she has no idea.
Only you know, and I know.
Even he don't know.
Let me get this straight.
My sister should not
marry the Duke
because she's in love
with the chauffeur...
Right.
but she doesn't know it.
Nope.
Oh, well, then, by all means,
let's convince her.
Let's wake up the whole house.
We'll insist that
she dump the Duke
and all he has to offer
and run off with
her
penniless driver.
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Right. We could talk
about it in the morning.
Shrimp, baby lobster tails,
and cracked crab.
Yeah. If we were
serving
this in Flushing,
we'd need a police barricade.
By the way, sharp outfit.
Oh, thanks. Sonny Bono
was having a yard sale.
[LAUGHING]
Funny.
Think so? Maybe I'll do it
in my standup act.
You know, that
would
be a good thing
to invite Maggie to.
Somehow I can't picture Maggie
in the half-shell room
at Benny's Clam Bar.
Oh, don't be so
hard on
yourself.
Just because she's rich
doesn't mean she can't
fall
for a schlub like you.
Gee, thanks.
Okay, who ate half
the tush off the
Cupid?
[MUMBLING]
Grace did.
Uh-huh.
Not me. I'm too nervous to eat.
She's very sensitive.
She senses doom.
Miss Fine,
Grace senses doom at Disneyland.
Look, my sister
has finally found
the person she wants
to settle down with,
and I am not about
to ruin her wedding day
because you have a hunch.
Oh, you're probably right.
I mean, if your sister
was really in love
with the chauffeur,
she would have
told him years
ago.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't try that reverse
psychology on me.
No. I'm
agreeing
with you.
Passion, smashion.
I've been reading too many books
with Fabio on the cover.
So you're not
going to interfere?
Look, if you're asking me
if I'm going to bang
on the church doors
and scream, "Elaine!"
No.
Good.
Oh, would you just trust me?
I promise you,
I am not going to
say
a word to Jocelyn.
Lester...
Yes, Miss Fine?
Les,
I know that we
haven't
really spoken much,
but I was thinking,
why haven't you told Jocelyn
that you're in love with her?
What?
I beg your pardon?
You know.
Seize the day,carpe diem.
You speak Latin?
Well, Pig.
Are my feelings that obvious?
Well, to a trained eye.
I could never presume
to tell her such a thing.
Miss Jocelyn is beyond my reach.
She's back seat.
I'm front seat.
You know, if you
ever bothered to
look
in your rearview mirror,
you would see
that she's in love with you too.
You sure?
Yes.
She loves you, you love her...
Oh, boy.
I've been
watching
too muchBarney.
No.
Miss Jocelyn and me,
it's just a fantasy.
You see, I have
nothing to offer.
Except your undying love.
Ah. Well...
if only that were enough.
Meanwhile,
this shrimp is fabulous.
I don't know why.
I just love weddings.
Oh, we all want
what we can't
have.
Maxwell, do you think
you'll ever get married again?
I hope so.
Oh, I love my children,
but it does get
a little lonely
at times.
Poor baby.
You know I'm always
there for you.
Making lazy circles in the sky.
Lester.
Oh.
You look like an angel, miss.
What are you doing here?
Well, actually, miss...
I've come to say goodbye.
You're leaving me?
Yes.
Well, you'll be
living with the
Duke,
and he's got his own staff.
But of course
you'll be coming with me.
You'll love your new room.
It has a view of the moat.
You can barely
hear the drawbridge.
Thank you, miss,
but I'd rather not.
Well...
best of luck.
Thank you.
May I kiss your hand, miss?
Please.
I've been very happy in my work.
You'll be awfully
hard to replace.
I wish...
I could have done
more for you,
miss.
You're off
to a jolly good start.
You look good,
kid.
You look tough.
You feel okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Go on out there
and splatter those petals
all over the floor.
Where is she?
Oh...
Oy.
Miss Fine, where's Jocelyn?
It's time to give her away.
Too late.
She's already gone.
My God, what did you do?
I didn't say anything to her.
Did you speak to Lester?
Oh, I talked to a
million people
today.
You think I remember
every
Tom, Dick, and Harry?
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
we're experiencing
a little technical difficulty,
so, uh, for your
prenuptial enjoyment,
uh, the comic stylings
of Mr. Kenny Keroucas.
Huh?
So, how many of you
have been bar mitzvahed?
What's happened?
Uh, Nigel, um...
Jocelyn.
Is she all right?
Don't go in there.
Why not?
Uh, it's bad luck
to see the bride
before the wedding?
I'll say.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, Nigel!
I'm terribly
sorry...
I'm sorry, sir,
but we're in love.
Yes. I see that.
Thank you.
Wow, he's taking it well.
Can't you see I'm heartbroken?
Really, Miss
Fine.
How insensitive.
Oh, well,
how are you supposed to know
what you British are feeling?
What, do you all
wear mood rings?
Nigel, please say
you'll forgive me.
Well, it won't be easy, Jos.
We did have a bit
of fun together.
Granted, not as much fun
as you've had
with the
chauffeur!
I shall bow out gracefully
with my head held high.
You know, you could
sneak out that way.
Better yet.
All the best.
Ta.
Puddleducks,
are you awfully
disappointed in me?
No, of course not, Mopsy.
I'm just sorry
you didn't find
happiness with
Lester
20 years ago.
Who knew you could
find true love
in the back seat of a car?
Anyone that's still living
at home with their parents.
I've been thinking...
seems a shame to waste
all that food.
Oh, Lester...
the answer's yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
[SIGHS]
Well, next time I get a hunch,
I say we go to the track.
I remember what my dad told me.
He said, "Kenny,"
"it doesn't matter
what religion you are"
"or what the color
of your skin is."
"There'll always
be people out there"
"who aren't gonna like you..."
"because you're irritating."
Oh, thank you, Kenny Keroucas.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Kenny, you were great.
I'll be doing my whole act
at Benny's Clam Bar
this weekend.
Maybe you want to come?
I'd love to.
Really?
I just lost all respect for you.
Well,
as they say,
the show must go on,
so all those
on the bride's side,
please remain seated.
All those on the groom's side
can pick up their gifts
on the way out.
Hit it.
[PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH"]
Oh, I just love weddings.
Me too.
Oh, Niles, such a display
for a Brit.
Well, I'm part French.
Oh.
Miss Fine, you left
the bouquet out
there.
Oh.
C.C. almost
ran off with
it.
Great catch, by the way.
Hey, I've been
a bridesmaid so many times
I could out-jump the Shaq.
It was a beautiful
wedding, Miss Fine.
Mm-hmm. I think
Lester and Jocelyn
really looked happy.
Yes, they did,
and to think they
almost
missed their chance.
Oh, I know.
In this day and age,
to have two people rule out love
just because of class...
Imagine.
Being blind to the fact
that you love someone
just because they work for you.
I know. It's unbelievable.
Yes.
Well, good night, Miss Fine.
Good night,
Mr. Sheffield.
Smart. Put the money
towards a castle.
That's not the line.
I got it. I always say...
I always say, save
up for a... Pfft! Sorry.
It is contagious!
Oh no! I'm so sorry, audience.
No, I love you too,
and miss you terribly.
Who's he talking to?
What's it worth to you?
It's my sister from London.
I didn't know Maxwell
had a sister.
Well, now we know what
you're worth to him.
All right,
I'll see you then, Jocelyn.
Bye.
Oh, was that your sister?
Oh, I hope you said hi for me.
Why does Miss Fine
know about it?
He talks in his sleep.
Is, uh,
everything
all right, sir?
Yes. Jocelyn's
coming for a visit,
and she's bringing a man.
Oh, what a great hostess gift.
Gee, I hope she knows my size.
Are you sure you heard
her correctly, sir?
She's not bringing a ham?
No, I
distinctly
heard "man."
Astounding.
Unbelievable.
Boy, this poor girl
must be the Hound
of the Baskervilles.
On the contrary, Miss Fine,
Jocelyn's very attractive
and terribly effusive.
A good roll-on
could
take care of that.
It's just that Miss
Jocelyn has never
brought someone home
to meet the family.
She's never gotten serious
about any particular gentleman.
Oh, I got you.
Yeah, that's just
like my cousin
Gladys,
but, you know, she's very happy,
and if you ever
need
your radiator
flushed,
she's your man.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Oh, Niles,
I want to make a good impression
on Mr.
Sheffield's
sister.
You think this outfit is okay?
Oh, perhaps something
a bit more conservative.
You haven't even looked yet.
All right. I looked.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, it's all right, Niles.
That'll be Jocelyn. I'll get it.
Mopsy!
Puddleducks!
Oh! Got you last.
Jos, haven't we grown
out of these childish games?
Ah! Made you flinch.
You!
Mm.
Puddleducks? Mopsy?
Why, Miss Fine, didn't you have
a nickname for your sister?
Yeah. Moron.
Hi. Fran Fine.
I'm the nanny.
Oh, lovely to meet you,
and I'd like you all to meet
Nigel Waters, Duke of Salisbury.
Oh,
I love your steaks.
Thank you.
Lord Worcestershire and I
get together every Sunday
for a barbecue.
And the Earl of Sandwich
pops by for leftovers.
[GUFFAWING]
Oh, I never got
Benny Hill,
either.
JOCELYN:
Oh, thank you,
Lester.
You remember Lester,
don't you, Maxy?
Uh, sorry, no.
Sir, he's been her chauffeur
for 20 years.
Oh, don't blame yourself, sir.
You've probably only ever seen
the back of my head.
Oh, Lester!
Yes, of course.
Oh, good to see you
again, old man.
Thank you, sir.
So, you're a Duke.
Have you got a brother?
[BRAYS]
Maxwell,
you described her laugh
all wrong in your letters.
It's nothing like
theQ.E. 2
adrift in a fog.
Mr. Sheffield,
you've been writing about me?
Yes, well...
So, uh, how was
your flight?
Oh, marvelous.
We even had a massage
on the plane.
Oh, wow. Some plane.
The last Supersaver I took,
I didn't need a brassiere.
I had my knees.
Let's just pop
some food in there,
shall we?
So, this is wonderful.
How long have you two
known each other?
Yes, was it love at first sight?
Yes. The moment
I laid eyes on
her,
I thought, "My
God,
she's suitable."
Thank you, darling.
And the moment I saw him,
I thought,
"He seems nice."
Oh, dash it all, darling.
Do you want to tell them,
or shall I?
We're engaged.
You go ahead.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh!
[YELPS]
Ah... oh.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I got to call my mother.
We have never had
a Duke in the family before.
Well, we did once,
but we had to have
him
put him to sleep.
This is so scrummy, Niles.
Yes, I remembered
steak and kidney pie
was your favorite.
And you complained
about my mother's cooking?
At least she steered clear
of the urinary tract.
So, did you and Uncle Nigel
have fun on the boat?
What boat, darling?
Fran said you hooked
a really big fish.
Oh, eat up.
Maxwell, your
children are
charming.
Oh...
Oh, dear,
we forgot to buy them presents.
Well, let me give you money.
Oh, Nigel, that's not necessary.
Oh, you're sure? I have lots.
I wouldn't miss it at all.
Quite sure.
Excuse me, Dad,
but I believe he
was
talking to us.
Brighton, don't be greedy.
God'll punish you.
Good evening, everyone.
See?
Jocelyn, Nigel,
I'd like you to meet
my business partner,
Miss C.C. Babcock.
Actually, I'm more like
part of the family.
Yes, we keep
putting
her out at night,
and she keeps
finding
her way back.
So, have you two set a date?
Oh, who's had time?
I'm still exhausted
from our month in Tahiti.
Oh, you know,
you really ought to set a date
if you want to book
a catering hall,
and if you want an accordion,
you're really gonna have
to move fast.
Fran was a bridal consultant
at Danny's Parisian
Brides for Less.
Maggie, please.
Head bridal consultant.
Say, why don't you
have the wedding right here?
I could throw you an affair
that's to die for.
I kept my rolodex.
Miss Fine,
that's a splendid idea.
Ha. I can just see
the wedding pictures
now.
The Duke and Duchess
of Salisbury
at opposite ends
of a 10-foot hero.
[LAUGHS]
Darling,
are we free this Sunday?
No. We're golfing
with the
Worthingtons.
Oh, pooh.
I hate the Worthingtons.
I don't much care for golf.
Then let's get married.
It's a perfect excuse.
Okay,
but let's keep it simple.
Smart.
I always say,
put the money
towards the castle.
Then it's settled.
We'll get married this Sunday.
Pass the salt.
I'm so happy
for the both of you.
Oh,mazel tov.
That's "pip pip" in Yiddish.
Meanwhile, Niles,
this is one recipe
that you can pull
from your
repertoire.
Well, as it happens,
steak and kidney pie
is also Lady Diana's favorite.
And they wonder
why she's always throwing up.
Gracie, sweetheart,
what's the matter?
I can't be a flower girl.
It's too much pressure.
Aw.
What if Aunt Jocelyn
slips on my petals
and falls and breaks her leg?
Then we'd have to shoot her
like my pony.
Aw, sweetie.
Why don't you go upstairs,
take a nice, hot, relaxing bath?
Put in some of that
aroma therapy
I bought you.
The sage?
No. I think
that's for PMS.
Try the lavender.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it!
Oh.
Finally.
Hi.
Hey.
Wow!
Nice place, huh?
Where's Elly May and Jethro?
I don't know how
I'm gonna top it
unless I get a job
working for Siegfried and Roy,
but something tells me
they're not gonna
be needing a
nanny.
Here's the stuff I brought you
from the bridal shop.
Oh.
See ya.
Well, what's your rush?
I thought you were
gonna help me
with the wedding plans
so that you can
hang out with Maggie.
Well, I was, but after
seeing how she lives,
I realize I'm not in her league.
Oh, don't be thrown
by all these trappings.
This is just an average,
ordinary house.
Oh, excuse me.
I've just got to ask
the butler something.
Have you seen the Duke?
Oh, he
and Mr. Sheffield
have gone yacht shopping.
Smart. Avoid
the Christmas
rush.
Sweetie, don't be intimidated.
I'm telling you,
Maggie is just a normal,
down-to-earth girl.
Oh, hey-ho!
Hi.
Got to go.
Hi, Kenny.
Bye, Maggie.
Where's he going?
I think the leather boots
probably scared him off.
It's a Jewish thing.
Jocelyn, come on.
I want you to see
what I just had brought over
from the bridal shop.
It's a genuine copy
of a knockoff
of an Yves St. Laurent.
It kind of screams,
"I'm getting married,"
don't you think?
Well, honey,
you're marrying a Duke.
If it were me,
I would be throwing leaflets
out of the Goodyear blimp,
and my mother
would be flying it.
Come on.
I need some information
from you and the betrothed
about the wedding.
Oh.
Now, what's your favorite song?
I don't believe we have one.
Oh, come on,
you got to have one.
"Evergreen"?
"Close to You"?
Not even "Duke of Earl"?
No.
What was your favorite song?
Well, I'm partial
to "You Better Shop Around,"
but that would be more
appropriate for a shower.
Maybe we should just
flip a coin.
Gee, no offense,
but you're really pretty blasé
about this whole event.
You love the Duke, right?
Who wouldn't?
He's solid and dependable
and best of all...
his mother's dead.
Oh.
Enough said.
Well, we've still got to deal
with the matchbooks,
napkins, seating charts,
the yarmulkes...
Oh. Yeah.
Well, that should take
some of the pressure off.
I think I'll leave
the little details
to you.
I'm going to go for a drive.
Oh.
Lester!
Yes, miss.
What took you so long?
I'd like to go...
Go to the park, miss?
You read my mind.
Oh, well, then maybe
you can tell me.
What's her favorite flower,
her favorite color,
what she likes to drink?
Roses, peach, Perrier Jouet.
Oh.
Well...
He's better than Dionne Warwick.
Oh, I'm telling you, Niles,
I get a strange vibe
from this whole marriage.
Bridal consultant's intuition?
The last time I did a wedding
with this level of excitement,
it involved my cleaning girl
and a green card...
and even she requested
"Guantanamera."
Oh, mark my words.
Jocelyn don't love the Duke.
British women are not known
for displaying their passion.
Believe me. I've been there.
Niles, I'm telling you,
be it Great
Britain
or Great Neck,
women in love are all the same.
When I was engaged to Danny...
Hmm?
All right, pre-engaged.
I knew his favorite song,
his favorite food,
his favorite back wax.
I didn't miss a thing,
except that little affair
with Heather Biblow.
And now you know
his favorite hobby.
Don't start with me, Niles.
I'm telling you,
when a woman is
in love with a
man,
she should be
swept off her
feet.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, hello there.
Oh, I took a bit of a spill.
You can put me down
now, Lester. I'm fine.
No, miss, I insist on
taking you up to your room.
Oh, he spoils me so.
[LAUGHING]
Well, I got the song.
"Baby, You Could
Drive My Car."
[KNOCKING]
Mr. Sheffield.
Mr. Sheffield, are you up?
Mr. Sheffield, it's me.
[GROANING]
What is it?
You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Miss Fine...
Oh, look.
I never pictured you
in pajamas like that.
Not that I pictured
you
without pajamas,
although I could.
I've seen you
naked.
Should I start again?
No.
Let's forge ahead, shall we?
I think you should
call off the wedding
because your sister
doesn't love the Duke.
She's in love
with her chauffeur.
Jocelyn and Lester?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God. When did
she tell you this?
Oh, she has no idea.
Only you know, and I know.
Even he don't know.
Let me get this straight.
My sister should not
marry the Duke
because she's in love
with the chauffeur...
Right.
but she doesn't know it.
Nope.
Oh, well, then, by all means,
let's convince her.
Let's wake up the whole house.
We'll insist that
she dump the Duke
and all he has to offer
and run off with
her
penniless driver.
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Right. We could talk
about it in the morning.
Shrimp, baby lobster tails,
and cracked crab.
Yeah. If we were
serving
this in Flushing,
we'd need a police barricade.
By the way, sharp outfit.
Oh, thanks. Sonny Bono
was having a yard sale.
[LAUGHING]
Funny.
Think so? Maybe I'll do it
in my standup act.
You know, that
would
be a good thing
to invite Maggie to.
Somehow I can't picture Maggie
in the half-shell room
at Benny's Clam Bar.
Oh, don't be so
hard on
yourself.
Just because she's rich
doesn't mean she can't
fall
for a schlub like you.
Gee, thanks.
Okay, who ate half
the tush off the
Cupid?
[MUMBLING]
Grace did.
Uh-huh.
Not me. I'm too nervous to eat.
She's very sensitive.
She senses doom.
Miss Fine,
Grace senses doom at Disneyland.
Look, my sister
has finally found
the person she wants
to settle down with,
and I am not about
to ruin her wedding day
because you have a hunch.
Oh, you're probably right.
I mean, if your sister
was really in love
with the chauffeur,
she would have
told him years
ago.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't try that reverse
psychology on me.
No. I'm
agreeing
with you.
Passion, smashion.
I've been reading too many books
with Fabio on the cover.
So you're not
going to interfere?
Look, if you're asking me
if I'm going to bang
on the church doors
and scream, "Elaine!"
No.
Good.
Oh, would you just trust me?
I promise you,
I am not going to
say
a word to Jocelyn.
Lester...
Yes, Miss Fine?
Les,
I know that we
haven't
really spoken much,
but I was thinking,
why haven't you told Jocelyn
that you're in love with her?
What?
I beg your pardon?
You know.
Seize the day,carpe diem.
You speak Latin?
Well, Pig.
Are my feelings that obvious?
Well, to a trained eye.
I could never presume
to tell her such a thing.
Miss Jocelyn is beyond my reach.
She's back seat.
I'm front seat.
You know, if you
ever bothered to
look
in your rearview mirror,
you would see
that she's in love with you too.
You sure?
Yes.
She loves you, you love her...
Oh, boy.
I've been
watching
too muchBarney.
No.
Miss Jocelyn and me,
it's just a fantasy.
You see, I have
nothing to offer.
Except your undying love.
Ah. Well...
if only that were enough.
Meanwhile,
this shrimp is fabulous.
I don't know why.
I just love weddings.
Oh, we all want
what we can't
have.
Maxwell, do you think
you'll ever get married again?
I hope so.
Oh, I love my children,
but it does get
a little lonely
at times.
Poor baby.
You know I'm always
there for you.
Making lazy circles in the sky.
Lester.
Oh.
You look like an angel, miss.
What are you doing here?
Well, actually, miss...
I've come to say goodbye.
You're leaving me?
Yes.
Well, you'll be
living with the
Duke,
and he's got his own staff.
But of course
you'll be coming with me.
You'll love your new room.
It has a view of the moat.
You can barely
hear the drawbridge.
Thank you, miss,
but I'd rather not.
Well...
best of luck.
Thank you.
May I kiss your hand, miss?
Please.
I've been very happy in my work.
You'll be awfully
hard to replace.
I wish...
I could have done
more for you,
miss.
You're off
to a jolly good start.
You look good,
kid.
You look tough.
You feel okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Go on out there
and splatter those petals
all over the floor.
Where is she?
Oh...
Oy.
Miss Fine, where's Jocelyn?
It's time to give her away.
Too late.
She's already gone.
My God, what did you do?
I didn't say anything to her.
Did you speak to Lester?
Oh, I talked to a
million people
today.
You think I remember
every
Tom, Dick, and Harry?
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
we're experiencing
a little technical difficulty,
so, uh, for your
prenuptial enjoyment,
uh, the comic stylings
of Mr. Kenny Keroucas.
Huh?
So, how many of you
have been bar mitzvahed?
What's happened?
Uh, Nigel, um...
Jocelyn.
Is she all right?
Don't go in there.
Why not?
Uh, it's bad luck
to see the bride
before the wedding?
I'll say.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, Nigel!
I'm terribly
sorry...
I'm sorry, sir,
but we're in love.
Yes. I see that.
Thank you.
Wow, he's taking it well.
Can't you see I'm heartbroken?
Really, Miss
Fine.
How insensitive.
Oh, well,
how are you supposed to know
what you British are feeling?
What, do you all
wear mood rings?
Nigel, please say
you'll forgive me.
Well, it won't be easy, Jos.
We did have a bit
of fun together.
Granted, not as much fun
as you've had
with the
chauffeur!
I shall bow out gracefully
with my head held high.
You know, you could
sneak out that way.
Better yet.
All the best.
Ta.
Puddleducks,
are you awfully
disappointed in me?
No, of course not, Mopsy.
I'm just sorry
you didn't find
happiness with
Lester
20 years ago.
Who knew you could
find true love
in the back seat of a car?
Anyone that's still living
at home with their parents.
I've been thinking...
seems a shame to waste
all that food.
Oh, Lester...
the answer's yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
[SIGHS]
Well, next time I get a hunch,
I say we go to the track.
I remember what my dad told me.
He said, "Kenny,"
"it doesn't matter
what religion you are"
"or what the color
of your skin is."
"There'll always
be people out there"
"who aren't gonna like you..."
"because you're irritating."
Oh, thank you, Kenny Keroucas.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Kenny, you were great.
I'll be doing my whole act
at Benny's Clam Bar
this weekend.
Maybe you want to come?
I'd love to.
Really?
I just lost all respect for you.
Well,
as they say,
the show must go on,
so all those
on the bride's side,
please remain seated.
All those on the groom's side
can pick up their gifts
on the way out.
Hit it.
[PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH"]
Oh, I just love weddings.
Me too.
Oh, Niles, such a display
for a Brit.
Well, I'm part French.
Oh.
Miss Fine, you left
the bouquet out
there.
Oh.
C.C. almost
ran off with
it.
Great catch, by the way.
Hey, I've been
a bridesmaid so many times
I could out-jump the Shaq.
It was a beautiful
wedding, Miss Fine.
Mm-hmm. I think
Lester and Jocelyn
really looked happy.
Yes, they did,
and to think they
almost
missed their chance.
Oh, I know.
In this day and age,
to have two people rule out love
just because of class...
Imagine.
Being blind to the fact
that you love someone
just because they work for you.
I know. It's unbelievable.
Yes.
Well, good night, Miss Fine.
Good night,
Mr. Sheffield.
Smart. Put the money
towards a castle.
That's not the line.
I got it. I always say...
I always say, save
up for a... Pfft! Sorry.
It is contagious!
Oh no! I'm so sorry, audience.