The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 16 - Schlepped Away - full transcript
It's the dead of winter, and Fran talks Maxwell into taking a weekend family vacation to the Caribbean. He invites Fran along on a working trip. C.C. wants to go too but isn't invited, so takes the opportunity to spend a weekend with a male friend. In a snow storm, Niles drive the collective to the airport, but gets lost along the way. Fran instead directs him to her parent's apartment in Flushing since she can find her way anywhere from her parent's place. There, they all discover that the entire city is shut down, including the airport. They're all effectively snowed in at Sylvia's. Fran decides to make the best of a bad situation by having their Caribbean vacation at the Fine's. They have some good times, and some bad times. Things hit rock bottom for Fran when she finds some evidence indicating a possible affair between Sylvia and the local butcher. After a confrontation, Sylvia explains to Fran the bizarre but innocent story behind Fran's discovery. At least, Fran will be able to leave her parent's house at the end of the weekend with a peaceful mind.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I am so sick of all this snow.
Mm.
There's a pigeon
frozen to the windowsill.
Oh, gee.
Look at this gorgeous
tanned family
relaxing on the beach.
Oh! Who is that
attractive brunette
in the background there?
Oh, gee, you know,
that must be the nanny.
No.
No, it couldn't be.
Her mouth's closed.
You know, actually,
this does look very inviting.
Mm-hmm.
I suppose we
could
all do with a
break.
Hey, let's go
to the Cayman Club.
Oh, yeah.
They've got that
fabulous teen
program.
Oh... too bad
you're only
12.
Oh, yeah,
but you can be unpopular
with a whole new bunch of kids.
Best of all,
they have a separate dining room
for children.
I don't care,
as long as I get some color.
Wait a minute.
Kids' programs,
separate dining rooms.
What kind of place is this?
It sounds like you guys
would never see each other.
Well, yeah.
That's kind of the point.
It's a vacation.
A family vacation
you spend with your family.
We spent every summer
together in Miami.
How could you go to Miami
in the summer?
Easy, drive south
and hang a left at
hell.
Wasn't it hot
and humid and gross?
Yeah, but it was
off-season rates,
so we got to stay twice as long.
Plus, the Fountainbleu
had this fabulous
seafood extravaganza.
Oh, buffet tip:
Always go past the rolls,
right to the lobster and shrimp.
Did you write that down, Niles?
It's all up here, sir.
Oh, you guys'll have
such a great time,
and you'll come back
with a whole new lease on life.
Of course, I'll still be here,
saddled with
the old lease...
Miss
Fine.
Shoveling snow
in the walkway.
Miss Fine.
Probably fall, break my head.
Oh, you'll pick me up
when you get back.
Miss
Fine!
What?
If I'm
traveling
with the
children,
naturally I expect
the nanny to accompany
us.
Oh...
How kind of you to think of me.
What about Niles, though?
Don't you want
a little peace and quiet?
Desperately.
How soon can you all pack?
Oh...
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪
♪♪ She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
A vacation?
That's a splendid idea.
I've been dying to get away.
Well, now's your chance,
since I'll be out of town.
Oh.
I hear Club Med has
a "desperate women with
no prospects" package.
It's a waste of money.
So I've heard.
Oh, C.C., you know
we'd like to take you with us,
but this is really a time for me
to be alone with the family.
Woo-hoo, Mr. Sheffield!
Oh, wait till you see
the adorable bathing
suit
I got for the honeymoon...
I mean, the vacation.
Oh, Grace will look very cute
in that.
What Grace?
This is for
me.
If we're going
to Gilligan's
Island,
I want to be Ginger.
You mean you're going with them?
A nanny's work is never done.
Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I have a life to get on with.
I have a standing invitation
with a certain senator.
Mm, what some politicians
won't do for a vote.
GRACE: ♪♪ Ooh-wee ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you let me
Take you on a sea cruise? ♪♪
Yeah!
Oh, they don't write 'em
like that anymore.
I can't wait to go snorkeling.
Me too.
Maggie floating
face-down in the water?
I'm there.
Niles, you didn't have to
drive us to the airport.
Oh, yes, I did, sir.
If need be,
I would've carried you.
Oh, I can't stand
driving backwards.
I get carsick.
Uh, Miss Babcock,
would you mind
switching with me?
Is it absolutely necessary?
Did you see the pea soup scene
inThe Exorcist?
All right, all right.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh!
Oop, whoops!
You got a run in your stocking.
Oh, no.
It's just a spider vein.
Oh, these
lifeguards
are gorgeous.
I can't wait to drown.
Not that we're ever
going to get there
with this traffic.
I know a shortcut.
No. No, no. We'll stay
on the expressway.
It's the most direct route.
Well, that's what my father said
when we were on our way
to see Liza
at the Westbury Music Fair.
P.S.: We got
there
so late,
She was halfway through
her encore of "New
York."
Don't you mean
"New York, New York"?
That's how late we were.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine,
we've passed that same
derelict six times.
Are we there yet?
I told you to go
before we left the house.
I didn't have to go then.
Whatever you do,
don't think about rushing rivers
or babbling brooks
or waterfalls.
♪♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪♪
Is that a gas station?
No.
Say, where's Ronnie's
Slack Shack?
Who cares?
Well, I'm losing
all my landmarks.
Everything is white
from the snow.
Oh, I know what
we'll do. I
know.
We'll go to my mother's.
From there, I could
find my way anywhere.
Well, couldn't you just pretend
that you've just
left your mother's
and are picking me
up here, on the way
to the airport?
Forget it!
If you're taking me
away for the
weekend,
the least you could
do
is pick me up.
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
What are you doing here?
Where's your bathroom?
Oh, down the hall,
but don't use the rosette soaps.
They're just for show.
The Glade is under the sink!
Your father was just in there.
Oh...
I have to go
too.
Where's your
other bathroom?
Oh, it's in the luncheonette
on the corner,
but they make you
order something.
I recommend the grilled cheese.
I am so sorry
for this intrusion, Mrs. Fine.
Oh, not at all.
It's an honor to
have you in our
house.
You couldn't call,
tell a person
that you're coming?
I would've Windexed the couch!
Ma!
Mrs. Fine, please, don't go
to any trouble.
We'll only gonna be here
for a minute.
We're on our way to the airport.
Yeah.
You mean you haven't heard?
What?
Heard what?
I just saw it on TV.
It's the worst blizzard
in 30 years.
Oh, it doesn't look that bad.
Oh, God.
Did Kathie Lee
come into the studio?
No.
Oh, it's bad!
Yeah!
All the airports and the bridges
are closed.
What?
Are you telling me
we're
actually stuck here?
What about our vacation?
The Caribbean... feh!
You never know when
there's a revolution, a coop.
You'll stay here
where you're nice and safe.
So, are you hungry?
I could make a rump roast.
I got a tongue in the freezer.
What did she say?
Well, I am feeling all refreshed
and raring to go!
Who's gonna tell her?
Oh, please, allow me.
The bridges, airports,
and weekends with a senator
have been shut down
due to the blizzard.
Good one, Niles.
Let's go!
Oh, I get it.
You're all in on it, huh?
[GIGGLING]
Tell me he's joking!
It won't be so bad.
Ma's gonna boil a tongue.
TELEVISION:
Wheel...
Of...
Fortune!
FRAN: What's Vanna
wearing?
A blue short sequined décolleté.
Oh, that's a rerun!
Have you ever had
the opportunity
of working with Merv Griffin?
Uh...
The man is brilliant.
You know, he still
makes up the puzzles
all by himself.
He's a giant in the industry.
Yeah, his weight
does go up and down,
God bless him.
Oh, my goodness.
Miss Fine, what are you wearing?
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
our vacation
is starting right now.
Then I want a refund.
Oh, there's always one
in the tour group.
Miss Babcock,
you've hardly touched
your tongue.
Actually,
I'm on a no-tongue diet.
Oh, the senator
will be so disappointed.
I think it's really good,
Mrs. Fine.
Mm!
Say, I know
what'll set the mood.
How about a let's-get-acquainted
cocktail party?
Who wants wine?
Oh, absolutely!
Oh, please.
Red or purple?
Don't you have anything drier?
Um, Bailey's Irish Cream?
Perhaps for dessert.
No!
For dessert we're
having
Jell-O 1-2-3.
Ma, I thought
they stopped making that
in the early '70s.
Well, I've been saving it
for a special occasion.
If this doesn't knock me out,
hit me with the bottle.
Hey, hey, hey, little one.
What did I say?
No swimming in the ocean
for two hours
after eating tongue.
And you should
put on some sunblock.
You don't want
to blotch, do you?
One bam and mah jongg!
This is terrifying.
Are you telling me
this Gilligan chap
never gets off the island?
He got off once,
but then they went back
with the Harlem Globetrotters.
I think I'll go
and watch the game with Mortie.
Well, keep your eyeglasses on.
He's clipping his toenails,
and those suckers can fly.
This is pathetic.
Right now,
I should be windsurfing
into the sunset with this guy.
His tanned... buff arms
around me.
In your dreams.
And even then,
I'll be watching you.
Don't feel so bad, Maggie.
[SHRIEKS]
Excellent!
Oh, that was so satisfying.
Brighton, you are so immature.
Did you find
the who-cut-the-cheese pillow?
No!
I'm in hell.
Join the club.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
SYLVIA: That's
the doorbell.
Thanks, Ma.
We were all wondering.
Oh, that's okay, Niles.
I'll get it.
Oh, sorry.
Force of
habit.
Oh, look!
It's the cute cabaña boy.
Hi, Kenny. What's up?
How's your
parents?
What do you need?
Not much. They're fine.
Fabric softener.
Oh...
Come on in.
Boy, look how big you got.
You really grew into your ears.
Well, I had that growth spurt
after my Bar Mitzvah.
Hey...
You want to meet
a real liveshiksa
Kenny, this is Maggie.
Maggie, Kenny.
Hi.
Hi.
Mix and mingle!
We're stuck here.
I've been stuck here
for 17 years.
At least you get to leave
when the snow melts.
Cool jeans.
Oh, thanks. I got 'em
at Ronnie's Slack Shack.
Where is that place?
It's on Union Turnpike,
right next door
to Vinnie's Jacket Racket.
Oh, yeah...
By the Blouse House.
Does anyone have a sharp knife?
Hey, you want to come down
to the new launderette?
If you think I'm cute now,
you should see me
under the fluorescent lights.
Oh, aren't they cute?
It's just likeBlue Lagoon.
She's Brooke Shields
and he's David Brenner.
He seemed like a nice young man.
If anyone wants my opinion...
Hands?
Niles...
Sorry, sir, but every time
I try to get out,
she pulls me back in.
Say what you will,
but this
is an iffy neighborhood.
For all we know,
he could be a member of a gang.
Oh, what gang?
The Oys in the 'Hood?
I'm telling you,
this kid is a doll.
His father invented
the little plastic thingies
on the ends of shoelaces.
Oh, of course...
the lace-thingie heir.
Where have you been hiding him?
Oh, stop.
Mr. Sheffield,
no.
It's your vacation.
Oh, I know,
and I'm having
such a lovely
time
here in the sitting room,
but I thought I'd
take
a little scenic
tour
Oh, while you're in there,
will you pull out the capon
for tomorrow?
And smear on
some of the Campbell's
Creamy Mushroom.
It is awfully nice
of your parents
to take us in like this.
Well, that's the
kind
of people they
are.
They consider you all family,
and when it comes to family,
we Fines stick together.
I'll tell you,
there's more warmth
in this little apartment
than in all
the Caribbean islands
put together.
Oh, hello, what's this?
A fortune chicken?
Oh, is that not romantic?
My father left my
mother
a love letter
and stuffed it in the chicken
between the heart
and the giblets.
Oh, isn't that...
Grotesque.
It's a little smeared.
Can you make that out?
Here...
Uh, "My darling,
my passion for you...
lives forever."
Oh, I can just
weep from the beauty
that is my parents' union.
"Yours forever,
Paul Zelaznik."
Paul Zelaznik?
Who's Paul Zelaznik?
The butcher.
Oh, my God!
Is my mother having an affair?
SYLVIA:
Fran!
Fran?
Here, here!
I don't want it!
I was thinking...
Daddy's not in the mood
for chicken.
Oh, can you blame him?
So I thought I'd make spaghetti.
Make sure
there's enough ketchup.
All right.
My mother and the butcher.
Could this be happening?
Oh, come on, Miss Fine.
We don't know for certain
that note was
meant
for your mother.
I mean, there are plenty of ways
it could've gotten
into the chicken.
How? It sat on it?
There you go!
SYLVIA:
Oh, God!
Everyone, come and see!
I hope no great expectations
accompany this outfit.
I bought this for Daddy
to wear in the Poconos.
Poor guy was
living
in a fool's
paradise.
Thanks for your help.
You know,
if this heiress thing
doesn't work out,
you could have a great career
in fluffing and folding.
Thanks, Kenny.
Shalom!
MAGGIE:
Oh...
You know, I hear Jewish men
make excellent husbands.
I wonder who
she heard that from.
Probably Niles.
He's always buzzing
something in her
ear.
Don't you think Kenny
looks just like Luke Perry?
Poor thing.
She's as blind as my father.
NILES: Ow!
Shh! You're gonna wake up
Mr. Sheffield!
Oh, it's all right.
I'm already awake.
Brighton's having that
kickboxing dream again.
Brighton. Brighton... honey...
Go sleep with your sisters.
C.C.'s in there.
Well, she's used to
getting
kicked out of bed.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh... peace at last.
Oh, for heaven's sakes!
Miss Fine...
Ow!
Oh, sorry, old man.
Even Gilligan had a hammock.
Miss Fine,
it's 3 a.m.
Who can sleep?
Well, I wouldn't mind
having a crack at it.
Look at this picture
of my mother and
father
at their 30th anniversary.
You think you know someone!
Who is this stranger I call Ma?
Same person she always was...
the one who made this house
warmer than all the islands
in the Caribbean.
Oh yeah.
Did she have to warm
up
half of Queens too?
Don't you realize
the entire
foundation
by which I judge
all relationships
is just
crumbling
before my eyes?
Oh, Miss Fine, you don't need
to lose your faith in marriage
just because your mother
turns out to be human.
Oh, there was a Jerry Vale tape
in the veal!
Maxwell, I hope you don't mind,
but Brighton
insisted
we trade places.
Ah... There.
If you're looking
for the hot water bottle,
that's not it.
More sausage?
Breakfast steak?
Eat up, eat up!
You'd love that, wouldn't
you? The faster we eat,
the sooner you could
go "shopping."
I'm through
dusting,
Mrs. Fine.
Can I be of any further service?
Ma, you're not
making her play
"cleaning girl," are you?
She does a good job.
I can see myself in the couch.
At the end of the
day,
I get paid a dollar.
A dollar, Ma?
Well, she's got no experience.
Unlike some people I know.
What are you talking about?
Like you don't know.
Fran, I'd like to see you
in the kitchen.
No, Ma, I'd like to see
you in the kitchen.
Fine, have it your way.
What's with you?
What's with you?
Me?
Me?
What's withyou?
What's withyou?
Excuse us!
We'll start lunch.
Okay, Ma, I want to know
for once and for all,
what is going on here?
What are you talking about?
Oh! Chopped sirloin!
Extra lean!
Look at this.
Paulie the
butcher
takes very good
care of me.
Well, I'll bet.
Oh, lookie here... mail's in.
Fran, have you been
going through my meat?
It's not what you think.
Ma, you and the butcher?
How could you?
Fran, you're blowing it
all out of proportion.
All we do is...
Oh, please, no details!
Once I get a picture
in my head...
It's just a little
innocent flirting.
You mean you're not
having an affair?
No, of course not.
He winks at me,
and I tell him
what a nice rump he has today,
and I... I get a roast
half-price.
Ma, you tramp.
Hey, we're on
a fixed income
here.
Yeah, well, what would Daddy say
if he found out?
He knows.
Sometimes he comes down,
and he watches Paulie
give me the meat.
This is like
a really badGeraldo.
You can make fun
because you're
young.
You're still turning heads.
For me, not so much anymore,
but when Paul Zelaznik
winks at me with his good eye,
I feel young again too.
What's the matter?
I think I can live with this...
As long as you and Daddy
still love each other.
Of course we do,
and I'll tell you
a little secret.
Your father and
I
have better sex
with a full freezer.
Ma, I'm getting a picture!
There'll be no sleeping tonight.
Wheel...
Of...
Fortune!
Come on, Ma! It's a new one!
Here, Brighton, try this.
Mm. Not bad.
What is it?
Stuffed derma. Delish.
What's a derma?
Skin.
No, sweetheart, it's not skin.
It's intestines.
Mortie, get out of the bathroom!
I thought after med school
I'd go into stand-up comedy,
sort of a big joke
on my parents.
Oh, buy a vowel, you twit.
So everything's sorted out
with your parents?
Oh, yeah.
They're like
the Rock of
Gibraltar.
I don't know what you
were so worried about.
Can we come back here next year
for our vacation?
Yes, we are having
a good time, aren't we?
That's because
we're all
together.
Ah, who needs
the Caribbean anyway?
The roads are clear!
The airport's open!
All right, kids, pack it up.
We're out of this dump.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ALL: ♪♪ Ooh-wee
Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee, ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee
Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you let me
Take you on a sea cruise? ♪♪
[FRAN LAUGHING]
FRAN: Where's Brighton?
More tongue?
Ah!
I am so sick of all this snow.
Mm.
There's a pigeon
frozen to the windowsill.
Oh, gee.
Look at this gorgeous
tanned family
relaxing on the beach.
Oh! Who is that
attractive brunette
in the background there?
Oh, gee, you know,
that must be the nanny.
No.
No, it couldn't be.
Her mouth's closed.
You know, actually,
this does look very inviting.
Mm-hmm.
I suppose we
could
all do with a
break.
Hey, let's go
to the Cayman Club.
Oh, yeah.
They've got that
fabulous teen
program.
Oh... too bad
you're only
12.
Oh, yeah,
but you can be unpopular
with a whole new bunch of kids.
Best of all,
they have a separate dining room
for children.
I don't care,
as long as I get some color.
Wait a minute.
Kids' programs,
separate dining rooms.
What kind of place is this?
It sounds like you guys
would never see each other.
Well, yeah.
That's kind of the point.
It's a vacation.
A family vacation
you spend with your family.
We spent every summer
together in Miami.
How could you go to Miami
in the summer?
Easy, drive south
and hang a left at
hell.
Wasn't it hot
and humid and gross?
Yeah, but it was
off-season rates,
so we got to stay twice as long.
Plus, the Fountainbleu
had this fabulous
seafood extravaganza.
Oh, buffet tip:
Always go past the rolls,
right to the lobster and shrimp.
Did you write that down, Niles?
It's all up here, sir.
Oh, you guys'll have
such a great time,
and you'll come back
with a whole new lease on life.
Of course, I'll still be here,
saddled with
the old lease...
Miss
Fine.
Shoveling snow
in the walkway.
Miss Fine.
Probably fall, break my head.
Oh, you'll pick me up
when you get back.
Miss
Fine!
What?
If I'm
traveling
with the
children,
naturally I expect
the nanny to accompany
us.
Oh...
How kind of you to think of me.
What about Niles, though?
Don't you want
a little peace and quiet?
Desperately.
How soon can you all pack?
Oh...
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪
♪♪ She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
A vacation?
That's a splendid idea.
I've been dying to get away.
Well, now's your chance,
since I'll be out of town.
Oh.
I hear Club Med has
a "desperate women with
no prospects" package.
It's a waste of money.
So I've heard.
Oh, C.C., you know
we'd like to take you with us,
but this is really a time for me
to be alone with the family.
Woo-hoo, Mr. Sheffield!
Oh, wait till you see
the adorable bathing
suit
I got for the honeymoon...
I mean, the vacation.
Oh, Grace will look very cute
in that.
What Grace?
This is for
me.
If we're going
to Gilligan's
Island,
I want to be Ginger.
You mean you're going with them?
A nanny's work is never done.
Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I have a life to get on with.
I have a standing invitation
with a certain senator.
Mm, what some politicians
won't do for a vote.
GRACE: ♪♪ Ooh-wee ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you let me
Take you on a sea cruise? ♪♪
Yeah!
Oh, they don't write 'em
like that anymore.
I can't wait to go snorkeling.
Me too.
Maggie floating
face-down in the water?
I'm there.
Niles, you didn't have to
drive us to the airport.
Oh, yes, I did, sir.
If need be,
I would've carried you.
Oh, I can't stand
driving backwards.
I get carsick.
Uh, Miss Babcock,
would you mind
switching with me?
Is it absolutely necessary?
Did you see the pea soup scene
inThe Exorcist?
All right, all right.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh!
Oop, whoops!
You got a run in your stocking.
Oh, no.
It's just a spider vein.
Oh, these
lifeguards
are gorgeous.
I can't wait to drown.
Not that we're ever
going to get there
with this traffic.
I know a shortcut.
No. No, no. We'll stay
on the expressway.
It's the most direct route.
Well, that's what my father said
when we were on our way
to see Liza
at the Westbury Music Fair.
P.S.: We got
there
so late,
She was halfway through
her encore of "New
York."
Don't you mean
"New York, New York"?
That's how late we were.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine,
we've passed that same
derelict six times.
Are we there yet?
I told you to go
before we left the house.
I didn't have to go then.
Whatever you do,
don't think about rushing rivers
or babbling brooks
or waterfalls.
♪♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪♪
Is that a gas station?
No.
Say, where's Ronnie's
Slack Shack?
Who cares?
Well, I'm losing
all my landmarks.
Everything is white
from the snow.
Oh, I know what
we'll do. I
know.
We'll go to my mother's.
From there, I could
find my way anywhere.
Well, couldn't you just pretend
that you've just
left your mother's
and are picking me
up here, on the way
to the airport?
Forget it!
If you're taking me
away for the
weekend,
the least you could
do
is pick me up.
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
What are you doing here?
Where's your bathroom?
Oh, down the hall,
but don't use the rosette soaps.
They're just for show.
The Glade is under the sink!
Your father was just in there.
Oh...
I have to go
too.
Where's your
other bathroom?
Oh, it's in the luncheonette
on the corner,
but they make you
order something.
I recommend the grilled cheese.
I am so sorry
for this intrusion, Mrs. Fine.
Oh, not at all.
It's an honor to
have you in our
house.
You couldn't call,
tell a person
that you're coming?
I would've Windexed the couch!
Ma!
Mrs. Fine, please, don't go
to any trouble.
We'll only gonna be here
for a minute.
We're on our way to the airport.
Yeah.
You mean you haven't heard?
What?
Heard what?
I just saw it on TV.
It's the worst blizzard
in 30 years.
Oh, it doesn't look that bad.
Oh, God.
Did Kathie Lee
come into the studio?
No.
Oh, it's bad!
Yeah!
All the airports and the bridges
are closed.
What?
Are you telling me
we're
actually stuck here?
What about our vacation?
The Caribbean... feh!
You never know when
there's a revolution, a coop.
You'll stay here
where you're nice and safe.
So, are you hungry?
I could make a rump roast.
I got a tongue in the freezer.
What did she say?
Well, I am feeling all refreshed
and raring to go!
Who's gonna tell her?
Oh, please, allow me.
The bridges, airports,
and weekends with a senator
have been shut down
due to the blizzard.
Good one, Niles.
Let's go!
Oh, I get it.
You're all in on it, huh?
[GIGGLING]
Tell me he's joking!
It won't be so bad.
Ma's gonna boil a tongue.
TELEVISION:
Wheel...
Of...
Fortune!
FRAN: What's Vanna
wearing?
A blue short sequined décolleté.
Oh, that's a rerun!
Have you ever had
the opportunity
of working with Merv Griffin?
Uh...
The man is brilliant.
You know, he still
makes up the puzzles
all by himself.
He's a giant in the industry.
Yeah, his weight
does go up and down,
God bless him.
Oh, my goodness.
Miss Fine, what are you wearing?
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
our vacation
is starting right now.
Then I want a refund.
Oh, there's always one
in the tour group.
Miss Babcock,
you've hardly touched
your tongue.
Actually,
I'm on a no-tongue diet.
Oh, the senator
will be so disappointed.
I think it's really good,
Mrs. Fine.
Mm!
Say, I know
what'll set the mood.
How about a let's-get-acquainted
cocktail party?
Who wants wine?
Oh, absolutely!
Oh, please.
Red or purple?
Don't you have anything drier?
Um, Bailey's Irish Cream?
Perhaps for dessert.
No!
For dessert we're
having
Jell-O 1-2-3.
Ma, I thought
they stopped making that
in the early '70s.
Well, I've been saving it
for a special occasion.
If this doesn't knock me out,
hit me with the bottle.
Hey, hey, hey, little one.
What did I say?
No swimming in the ocean
for two hours
after eating tongue.
And you should
put on some sunblock.
You don't want
to blotch, do you?
One bam and mah jongg!
This is terrifying.
Are you telling me
this Gilligan chap
never gets off the island?
He got off once,
but then they went back
with the Harlem Globetrotters.
I think I'll go
and watch the game with Mortie.
Well, keep your eyeglasses on.
He's clipping his toenails,
and those suckers can fly.
This is pathetic.
Right now,
I should be windsurfing
into the sunset with this guy.
His tanned... buff arms
around me.
In your dreams.
And even then,
I'll be watching you.
Don't feel so bad, Maggie.
[SHRIEKS]
Excellent!
Oh, that was so satisfying.
Brighton, you are so immature.
Did you find
the who-cut-the-cheese pillow?
No!
I'm in hell.
Join the club.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
SYLVIA: That's
the doorbell.
Thanks, Ma.
We were all wondering.
Oh, that's okay, Niles.
I'll get it.
Oh, sorry.
Force of
habit.
Oh, look!
It's the cute cabaña boy.
Hi, Kenny. What's up?
How's your
parents?
What do you need?
Not much. They're fine.
Fabric softener.
Oh...
Come on in.
Boy, look how big you got.
You really grew into your ears.
Well, I had that growth spurt
after my Bar Mitzvah.
Hey...
You want to meet
a real liveshiksa
Kenny, this is Maggie.
Maggie, Kenny.
Hi.
Hi.
Mix and mingle!
We're stuck here.
I've been stuck here
for 17 years.
At least you get to leave
when the snow melts.
Cool jeans.
Oh, thanks. I got 'em
at Ronnie's Slack Shack.
Where is that place?
It's on Union Turnpike,
right next door
to Vinnie's Jacket Racket.
Oh, yeah...
By the Blouse House.
Does anyone have a sharp knife?
Hey, you want to come down
to the new launderette?
If you think I'm cute now,
you should see me
under the fluorescent lights.
Oh, aren't they cute?
It's just likeBlue Lagoon.
She's Brooke Shields
and he's David Brenner.
He seemed like a nice young man.
If anyone wants my opinion...
Hands?
Niles...
Sorry, sir, but every time
I try to get out,
she pulls me back in.
Say what you will,
but this
is an iffy neighborhood.
For all we know,
he could be a member of a gang.
Oh, what gang?
The Oys in the 'Hood?
I'm telling you,
this kid is a doll.
His father invented
the little plastic thingies
on the ends of shoelaces.
Oh, of course...
the lace-thingie heir.
Where have you been hiding him?
Oh, stop.
Mr. Sheffield,
no.
It's your vacation.
Oh, I know,
and I'm having
such a lovely
time
here in the sitting room,
but I thought I'd
take
a little scenic
tour
Oh, while you're in there,
will you pull out the capon
for tomorrow?
And smear on
some of the Campbell's
Creamy Mushroom.
It is awfully nice
of your parents
to take us in like this.
Well, that's the
kind
of people they
are.
They consider you all family,
and when it comes to family,
we Fines stick together.
I'll tell you,
there's more warmth
in this little apartment
than in all
the Caribbean islands
put together.
Oh, hello, what's this?
A fortune chicken?
Oh, is that not romantic?
My father left my
mother
a love letter
and stuffed it in the chicken
between the heart
and the giblets.
Oh, isn't that...
Grotesque.
It's a little smeared.
Can you make that out?
Here...
Uh, "My darling,
my passion for you...
lives forever."
Oh, I can just
weep from the beauty
that is my parents' union.
"Yours forever,
Paul Zelaznik."
Paul Zelaznik?
Who's Paul Zelaznik?
The butcher.
Oh, my God!
Is my mother having an affair?
SYLVIA:
Fran!
Fran?
Here, here!
I don't want it!
I was thinking...
Daddy's not in the mood
for chicken.
Oh, can you blame him?
So I thought I'd make spaghetti.
Make sure
there's enough ketchup.
All right.
My mother and the butcher.
Could this be happening?
Oh, come on, Miss Fine.
We don't know for certain
that note was
meant
for your mother.
I mean, there are plenty of ways
it could've gotten
into the chicken.
How? It sat on it?
There you go!
SYLVIA:
Oh, God!
Everyone, come and see!
I hope no great expectations
accompany this outfit.
I bought this for Daddy
to wear in the Poconos.
Poor guy was
living
in a fool's
paradise.
Thanks for your help.
You know,
if this heiress thing
doesn't work out,
you could have a great career
in fluffing and folding.
Thanks, Kenny.
Shalom!
MAGGIE:
Oh...
You know, I hear Jewish men
make excellent husbands.
I wonder who
she heard that from.
Probably Niles.
He's always buzzing
something in her
ear.
Don't you think Kenny
looks just like Luke Perry?
Poor thing.
She's as blind as my father.
NILES: Ow!
Shh! You're gonna wake up
Mr. Sheffield!
Oh, it's all right.
I'm already awake.
Brighton's having that
kickboxing dream again.
Brighton. Brighton... honey...
Go sleep with your sisters.
C.C.'s in there.
Well, she's used to
getting
kicked out of bed.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh... peace at last.
Oh, for heaven's sakes!
Miss Fine...
Ow!
Oh, sorry, old man.
Even Gilligan had a hammock.
Miss Fine,
it's 3 a.m.
Who can sleep?
Well, I wouldn't mind
having a crack at it.
Look at this picture
of my mother and
father
at their 30th anniversary.
You think you know someone!
Who is this stranger I call Ma?
Same person she always was...
the one who made this house
warmer than all the islands
in the Caribbean.
Oh yeah.
Did she have to warm
up
half of Queens too?
Don't you realize
the entire
foundation
by which I judge
all relationships
is just
crumbling
before my eyes?
Oh, Miss Fine, you don't need
to lose your faith in marriage
just because your mother
turns out to be human.
Oh, there was a Jerry Vale tape
in the veal!
Maxwell, I hope you don't mind,
but Brighton
insisted
we trade places.
Ah... There.
If you're looking
for the hot water bottle,
that's not it.
More sausage?
Breakfast steak?
Eat up, eat up!
You'd love that, wouldn't
you? The faster we eat,
the sooner you could
go "shopping."
I'm through
dusting,
Mrs. Fine.
Can I be of any further service?
Ma, you're not
making her play
"cleaning girl," are you?
She does a good job.
I can see myself in the couch.
At the end of the
day,
I get paid a dollar.
A dollar, Ma?
Well, she's got no experience.
Unlike some people I know.
What are you talking about?
Like you don't know.
Fran, I'd like to see you
in the kitchen.
No, Ma, I'd like to see
you in the kitchen.
Fine, have it your way.
What's with you?
What's with you?
Me?
Me?
What's withyou?
What's withyou?
Excuse us!
We'll start lunch.
Okay, Ma, I want to know
for once and for all,
what is going on here?
What are you talking about?
Oh! Chopped sirloin!
Extra lean!
Look at this.
Paulie the
butcher
takes very good
care of me.
Well, I'll bet.
Oh, lookie here... mail's in.
Fran, have you been
going through my meat?
It's not what you think.
Ma, you and the butcher?
How could you?
Fran, you're blowing it
all out of proportion.
All we do is...
Oh, please, no details!
Once I get a picture
in my head...
It's just a little
innocent flirting.
You mean you're not
having an affair?
No, of course not.
He winks at me,
and I tell him
what a nice rump he has today,
and I... I get a roast
half-price.
Ma, you tramp.
Hey, we're on
a fixed income
here.
Yeah, well, what would Daddy say
if he found out?
He knows.
Sometimes he comes down,
and he watches Paulie
give me the meat.
This is like
a really badGeraldo.
You can make fun
because you're
young.
You're still turning heads.
For me, not so much anymore,
but when Paul Zelaznik
winks at me with his good eye,
I feel young again too.
What's the matter?
I think I can live with this...
As long as you and Daddy
still love each other.
Of course we do,
and I'll tell you
a little secret.
Your father and
I
have better sex
with a full freezer.
Ma, I'm getting a picture!
There'll be no sleeping tonight.
Wheel...
Of...
Fortune!
Come on, Ma! It's a new one!
Here, Brighton, try this.
Mm. Not bad.
What is it?
Stuffed derma. Delish.
What's a derma?
Skin.
No, sweetheart, it's not skin.
It's intestines.
Mortie, get out of the bathroom!
I thought after med school
I'd go into stand-up comedy,
sort of a big joke
on my parents.
Oh, buy a vowel, you twit.
So everything's sorted out
with your parents?
Oh, yeah.
They're like
the Rock of
Gibraltar.
I don't know what you
were so worried about.
Can we come back here next year
for our vacation?
Yes, we are having
a good time, aren't we?
That's because
we're all
together.
Ah, who needs
the Caribbean anyway?
The roads are clear!
The airport's open!
All right, kids, pack it up.
We're out of this dump.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ALL: ♪♪ Ooh-wee
Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee, ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-wee
Ooh-wee, baby ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you let me
Take you on a sea cruise? ♪♪
[FRAN LAUGHING]
FRAN: Where's Brighton?
More tongue?
Ah!