The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 15 - Deep Throat - full transcript

Oh, if they ring those
little bells one more time,

I'll wring their little necks.

Niles, they're
poor,
sick children

who need our care
and compassion.

Enough with the bells already!

We're not deaf!

Until now.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, three kids sick,
all at once.

I don't think
I can last much longer.

Well, look on the bright side.



Eventually, they'll either
go back to school or die.

School.
Thank God for school.

I need those seven hours
of personal time.

I mean, how else can I continue

to be the bright and vivacious
nanny that you all know and love

if I have to spend all day
taking care of those kids?

All right, how do we feel?

What took you so long?

Ice cream...
juice...

I need the remote control.

Toast in the shape of a horsey.

What kind of a horse is this?

A gelding.

Whenever I was feeling
a bit wonky,



Mummy used to bundle me up
and seat me by the fire...

not too close...

and bring me tea and crumpets

and little soldiers
cut out of toast.

Niles, you know we love you.

Don't share.

Better you should remain
an enigma.

Silly me.

After sitting
through
endless stories

about your
multifarious
relatives.

Hey, only my Uncle Harvey
is multifarious...

but when he sang
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow,"

you'd swear Judy
was in the room.

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those
Crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style
She had flair ♪♪

♪♪ She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Suchjoie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Maxwell, I am terribly concerned
about the children.

Oh, why, thank you, C.C.,
but it's only the flu.

But if you catch it, who'll
I take to my sorority
reunion?

Is that this weekend?
Let me see if I'm free.

Maxwell, you tease.

You wouldn't leave me hanging.

No. We'd cut you down
in a week or two.

I just can't
wait
to show you
off

to all my old friends,

with their handsome
doctor husbands

and their
2.5 perfect children

they juggled while
earning multiple PhDs.

Oh, C.C., there's no need
to be jealous.

You have a successful career

and, uh... and, um...
well, a successful career.

Yes. How do you
balance them both?

Knock, knock.

Were you just with the children?

Yeah. Why?

Mmm, Lysol...
my mother's fragrance.

Can't be too careful.
Germs everywhere.

Nobody touch me.

We'll try to restrain ourselves.

So, Maxwell,

what do you think I should wear

to the reunion Friday night?

Well, uh, Miss Fine's clothes
always make a statement.

Why don't you ask her?

Why don't I pop into K-mart
and pick something

out of the Jaclyn Smith
collection?

Meanwhile, she's making
millions of dollars...

and they said Kate Jackson
was the smart one.

Where are you going?

My sorority reunion.

Oh, reunions are so much fun.

You get to see how old
everyone got,

who's had face work,
who's not married.

You'll be the belle of the ball.

So, Miss Fine, are the children
feeling any better?

Oh, yes,

except for Gracie.

I think I need to take her
to the doctor.

Maybe we should call the doctor
and have him come to the house.

This is New York.

You couldn't get a doctor
to make a house call

if your spleen was sitting
next to you on the couch.

Miss Fine,
are you feeling all right?

Oh, yeah. Ahem.

Just a little frog in my throat.
No biggie.

Ah, doctors' scales are always

six and a half pounds over.

Fran, how come they make you
wait so long?

To give you a chance to stock up
on your beauty supplies.

See, these are great
for astringent.

Oh, these are excellent
for doing your cuticles.

And these... well,
if I don't take them,

I'm sure I'll regret it later.

I'm scared.

Oh, sweetie,

there's nothing
to be scared about.

Ah!

Mommy, I don't want a shot!

I think I feel
better.
Let's go.

Oh, honey.
Would you trust me?

Believe me,
this is an absolute cinch.

Just be glad
that you don't have stirrups

like at my doctor.

Your doctor has a pony?

No, honey. These are for...

Oh, never mind.

You'll discover the joys
of womanhood soon enough.

Hi, Gracie.

I'm Dr. Link. I'm covering
for Dr. Sherwood.

Don't worry.
I'm very gentle.

Fran says I don't want
a gentle doctor.

That's gentile.

Okay, Gracie.

I want to hear you breathe.

Have you ever seen
a stethoscope?

Have you ever been sued
for malpractice?

Gracie...
You haven't, have you?

We settled out of court.

Okay. I'd like to look
at your throat.

Where are my...
tongue depressors?

Uh... I may have one.
Oh... yeah. Here we go.

Yeah, well, you never know

when you're going to
run into Monty Hall.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, look at all these diplomas...

Harvard, Yale, Columbia.

Couldn't settle in, huh?

Actually, I'm certified
in several specialties.

Ohh... is there a Mrs. Link?

We're divorced.

Oh, so she's like
the missing link.

Gee, that's a new one.

Tough room.

Okay, Gracie,

can I get you
to open your mouth?

Mm-mmm.

Oh, come on, honey, like this.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Okay, well, you just have

the tail end of that nasty flu.

You're going to be fine.

You, on the other hand,

you have a nasty-looking throat.

Oh, Doc, no.

It's just a little tickle.

Honestly.
I never get
sick.

Healthy as a
horse.
Come on, Gracie,
let's get out of

Say "ahh."

Like this, Fran... Ahh.

Ahh.

Hmm...

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to take those tonsils out.

Yeah, well, unless
you're talking about
dinner and dancing,

they're not interested.

I don't have a good feeling
about this place.

Oh, Miss Fine,

this is one of the top
medical institutions

in the country.

They've got no padded hangers,

no hair conditioner,

not even a little sewing kit.

But they do turn down your bed

and leave a Valium
on your pillow.

Oh. All right.

Brighton, get me some hangers
from the old lady.

But she's asleep.

So? She won't miss them.
Go. Grab.

Fran, you know,

you're only going
to
be here overnight.

Listen, this is the closest

I'll ever get to
a large group of doctors.

I promised my mother
I'd look my best.

You know, Fran, you're being
really brave about this surgery.

I'd be afraid I was gonna die.

Aren't visiting hours
over for children?

No one dies from
having their tonsils out.

That's what they
told
my Aunt Pola.

She went in for bursitis,

but she developed a bedsore

that turned into phlebitis

that caused a massive stroke.

If they ever settle her case,

she'll be the richest vegetable
in Bayside.

Ooh, I love this
vest.
Can I have it...

you know, if you don't make it?

I'll leave it for you
in my will.

If you haven't promised your
Reba McEntire CDs to anyone...

Can't you all wait until
they hang the tag on my toe?

Would you all
stop being so morbid?

There's absolutely
no risk involved.

Your life insurance
is paid up, isn't it?

I'm Nurse Smith.
Get in bed.

I'm not the patient.

I know.

Here. Sign these.

What are they?

Release forms.
Don't talk.

That's all it takes?

I should have tried that
ages ago.

Hey, what's this
about
complications?

Oh, you know, in case
they leave in a sponge or...

Oh, does that happen often?

I already retain water
two weeks out of the month.

You're going to be just fine.

Visiting hours are over.
Say "goodbye."

You mean "good night."

Whatever.
I'm off in 15 minutes.

Well, good night, Miss Fine.

Now, you get some rest,
and we'll be back
to see you

before your operation tomorrow.

Good night.

Good night, Fran.
Good night,
Miss Fine.

Good night.

Remember, afterwards, you
get all the ice cream you want.

Swell. If I live, I'll be hippy.

Here, Fran.

I thought you might
want
someone to sleep with.

Oh, how sweet...

and look at his nice furry back.

You must come
from my neighborhood.

Thank you, angel.

You're going to be okay?

Hey, what's my last name?

Fine.

So I'll be fine,

and I'll take good care
of Teddy too.

Just try not to
drool.
He hates that.

Hey, listen, you,

if you think about
getting frisky during the night,

don't wake me.

I'm having
an operation tomorrow,

so I'm not allowed
to eat anything,

but you go ahead.

Mmm. Turkey.

I wonder if it's real
or pressed.

Well, maybe I'll just taste.

Oh.

Ah, you're not
missing anything. No.

You know,
you're a great little listener.

When my mother
had her hysterectomy,

oh, did she have
a loudmouth roommate.

I swear, after one day,

she wanted to reach up
and yank it out herself.

Oh, look.Hard Copy.

The Menendez boys.

Oh, you know, I don't get it.

They don't have the brains
to just leave home,

but they can figure out

how to put their pants on
over their shackles.

Let's see if I can get
some volume going here.

Hmm. This thing's not working.

What's wrong with this?

What happened
in here?

Nothing, nothing.
I didn't do anything.

We were just talking.

Her over there, me over here

with all this space
in between us

and then all of a sudden,
all hell broke loose.

Excuse me, sir.

When you get a chance,
I could use a remote.

And finally,

"do you ever lead a man on"

"with no intention
of following through?"

Oh, never.

Well, occasionally.

All right, always. Always.

Oh, never. Who's going to know?

Come in.

Oh, good. She's alive.

Sure. They haven't
cut her open yet.

Yeah, and that's where things

can go really wrong.

One slip of that scalpel and...

oh, I'll tell you later.

All right, you've seen her.
She's fine. Let's go.

Oh, Miss Babcock.
You look gorgeous.

Much too young
to be going to a reunion.

Of redwoods, maybe.

Dear Niles.
Always so
witty.

Especially for a servant.

At least when I offer something,

people take it.

C.C., aren't you going to wish
Fran good luck?

Oh, all right.

Nanny Fine,

I know you're scared now,
but just remember,

when you wake up from surgery,

you'll find that
the excruciating agony

of an adult tonsillectomy

is far worse
than anything you can imagine.

Good luck.

I'm out of here.

Oh, no, Miss Fine.

Wo... would it
make you feel better

if we stayed
through the surgery?

Oh, no. She's a big girl.
She doesn't need us to stay.

Sure she does.

Well, where are those parents
you're always babbling about?

They happen to be
on their annual pilgrimage

to the Holy Land.

Jerusalem?

Miami.

Maxwell...

Who's more
important,
me or the nanny?

♪♪ Da-bum-bum-bum ♪♪

♪♪ Bum-bum-bum
Bum-bum-bum-ba-da-da-dum ♪♪

C.C.,
for heaven's sake.

She's going into surgery.

You go on.
I'll catch up later.

I can't show up
without an
escort.

Why don't you just inflate one
like you usually do?

And these are my beautiful twins

playing with me at work.

Thank God NASA has daycare.

So does the U.N.

You know, my little Boutros

can say "jungle gym"
in 12 languages.

C.C., does your
employer
provide day care?

Well, actually,
I don't have any children yet.

Ohh.
Ohh.

But you are married?

Well, not yet.

Ohh.
Ohh.

Okay now.
Just relax

and count backwards from 100.

One hundred... 99...

98...

♪♪ 97 bottles of beer
On the wall ♪♪

Quick! I've got
the release forms.

You take the pen.

You sure this is legal?

Oh, we always get them this way.

♪♪ 96 bottles ♪♪

Oh no! I've lost the children.

Shh!
Don't tell Mr. Sheffield.

It's all right, Miss Fine.

The children are having dinner

in the cafeteria.

Oh, I hope they don't
order turkey.

It's pressed.

She's, uh, dead to the world.

Oh, I'm dead?

Oh, that's so sad.

I want Maggie
to have all my clothes,

And I want Gracie

to have all of my Barbie dolls.

About your Reba McEntire CDs...

Niles!

Bad form, old man.

Sorry, sir.

Beep beep.

Chester Meffield?

Oh, I believe that's you, sir.

Chester Meffield.

I want you to have...

me.

All set?
Where's my pen?

Here she blows.

Surprised she hasn't
taken her own tonsils out.

Ah ha.

All right, come on, young lady.

We'll have you eating ice
cream
before you know it.

Oh, ah, Doctor,

perhaps while you're in there,

if it's not much trouble,

you could have a look
at her adenoids?

Why? Do they bother her?

Well, not so much her...

We, um, have a theory

that perhaps something's loose

in there.

Yes.
Anything that jiggles,

tighten it up.

Well, off you go.

Chester Meffield.

Yeah, everything
is going to be just fine.

Don't you worry.
I'll be here when you wake up.

Chester Meffield,

I love you.

C.C., darling,

please join us.

Your Maxwell
has obviously been detained

by something more important.

Oh, he'll be here any minute.

He adores me,

absolutely worships
the ground I walk on.

So I guess this evening

he'll be worshipping from afar?

You know, I think it's so nice
that you two are still friends.

I thought you'd
never forgive her

after that weekend in Barbados
with Bill.

My Bill?

I thought you knew.

Oops.

You know, if you
squeeze this IV,

blood comes out of the old lady

and into the bag.

Brighton.

Just a theory.

She came through just fine.

She'll be up
in a couple of minutes.

Oh, splendid news.

Oh, by the way, uh...

her adenoids
are quite remarkable.

I'd remove them,

but I'm afraid
her head might cave in.

All right, children.
Off you go.

Down to the gift shop
and get some flowers.

And I think
she wants some candy.

And aPlayboy.

It was worth a shot.

Niles?
Sir?

I didn't want to say anything
in front of the children,

but I am worried
about Miss Fine.

But the doctor
said she was all
right.

Well, not that.

Oh, good God, man.
You heard her.

She's in love with me.

Oh, sir, she was a bit woozy.

I wouldn't take it seriously.

But I must.
Poor little thing,

pining away all this time,

and I never even noticed.

I should have seen
the signs, I suppose,

but I always thought of her
as just the nanny.

Well, a wonderful nanny,
to be sure.

Loving and wise in her way.

Funny and sweet.

But just the nanny.

Well, exactly.

Oh, this is all so awkward.

Not that I can blame her,
really.

I suppose she was
just... dazzled.

You are quite a catch, sir.

Oh, the last thing
in the world I want

is to hurt her.

I... I...

I just hope I can
let her down gently.

I love you.

I love you too.

She was the most popular girl

in Recovery.

Hey, Skinny. I love you too.

I don't want to hear it.

Not a word, sir.

Excuse me.

C.C.,
I am so sorry I'm late.

Mmm.

The surgery took a lot longer
than I was expecting,

but I'm here now
and ready to dazzle them.

Everyone,

I want you to
meet
the light of my
life,

Maxwell Sheffield.

Mucho Gusto, señor.

Ohh. Uh.

Would you care for some tea?

Ice cream?

Coming right up.

Now what?

I need a pot of tea,
properly strained,

and Miss Fine
requires more ice cream.

With sprinkles, yeah, yeah.

God.

Whose idea was it to give them
those bells, anyway?

So, Nanny Fine.

Cat got your tongue?

Oh, this is a dream come true.

I feel like I have died
and gone to heaven.

I have that dream too,

but you go in
the other
direction.

So, Nanny Fine,

let's have a little chat.

Oh, I forgot.

You can't talk, can you?

Well, I guess for once,
you'll just have to listen.

Oh, that's
okay.

You can just hold it.

Here.

It's good to soak your feet.

Very fashionable.

What are you going
to do with that?

I thought I'd make
it
into a nice lamp.