The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Family Plumbing - full transcript

Niles!

Uh-oh. Daddy
just found
out

we don't have any water.

Damn blasted, bloody pipes.

I'm selling the house.
We're moving back to England.

And he's taking it very well.

And I suppose there's no tea.

Here.

Suck on this...

Sir.

Oh, Daddy.
I'm
disgusting.



I can't go out in
public
like this.

It's never stopped you before.

Good morning, everyone.

Miss Fine, do you have water
in your bathroom?

No.

Then how could you
possibly look like
that?

Believe me, it wasn't easy.

I went through my entire supply

of moist towelettes.

And I laughed
at my mother. Ha,
ha!

Niles, did you call a plumber?

I beeped him, sir,

but his yacht has gone
into international waters.

Well, did you look
for someone else?



No.

I've been leafing
through the yellow pages

for origami supplies.

Oh, if you need a plumber,
I got a second cousin...

I'd rather wait for rain.

Are you still holding a grudge

because of my Uncle Aaron,
the electrician?

Why should I?

My eyebrows
have almost grown back.

Hey, a lot of women
will pay good money

for that effect.

It's difficult to get someone
on the weekend, sir.

Well...

♪♪ Cousin Irving is on call ♪♪

♪♪ 24 hours a day ♪♪

Miss Fine, this is an old house
with very delicate pipes.

Hey, my Aunt Ida would let
any guy in a white coat

remove her gallstones,

but only Irving
could touch her toilets.

Against every fiber of my body,

contrary to every
belief
I hold dear,

you can hire your cousin.

But if anything goes wrong...

Oh, would you trust me?
Irving is a legend!

Believe me,
before he set up shop,

they didn't call it "Flushing".

♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Dad, why can't I
go?
It's just a party.

Give me one good reason.

I'll give you 16.

Eight boys

and their grubby little hands.

That's not fair!

Shh!
This is a very important call.

Pasquali, can you
do a pedicure at 4:00?

Margaret, case closed.

Fine. I won't have a life.

I'll end up old and alone,
like Fran!

Hi!

Hi!

Have you seen my Poly-Grip?

Fran, you've got to help me.

Huh? Sorry.

I think I lost my Miracle Ear.

Miss Fine, please.

I am trying to schedule
my beauty appointment.

Well, I hope
it's not a toll call.

Now, what is all this
yelling about?

You're making me homesick.

It's a party at Kimberly's,

and everybody's going but me.

Just look at this guest list
I found by the telephone.

So? I know most of these kids.
What's the problem?

Well, they're all paired off.

Boys and girls, two by two.

It's like Noah's ark.

Ah, your first make-out party!

Who'd you get?

She's not getting anyone,
and no one is getting her.

Did I say make out?
I meant makeup.

Makeover! Avon. Mary Kay.

Maybe they'll
have Tupperware there.

No kissing.
Just... pfft...
burping.

Are you done?

Well, unless you've
got
something to add.

Well, I do.
Maggie, you're too young.

You're not going.

I can't believe you.
You never let me go anywhere.

Not true. Go to your room.

What's the matter?
All the convents are
full?

Miss Fine, she's too young
for a kissing party.

She's only 14 years old.

She's gonna be 15.

Oh, well, you get an A in math.

I'm not letting her go
to some Park Avenue apartment

crawling with a bunch
of lecherous young men.

Mm. You wouldn't happen
to have the address,

would you?

More pictures and résumés

of showgirls, sir.

Well, the audition's
this afternoon.

These should have
been here hours ago.

They were.

I'd pay particular attention

to Gigi, Lulu,

and the one on the unicycle.

How on earth does she keep
from falling forward?

And even if she did,
she'd bounce right
back.

Oh, no, no, no.

These girls won't do.

Look at that one!

Big hair, tight pants, red lips.

Hmm. Tramp!

Well, you're right, C.C.

They're all tall,
leggy, and buxom.

And we specifically ordered
short, dumpy showgirls.

Oh, that reminds me
of my Aunt Rosalind.

All she ever wanted to do
was to be a Rockette.

She made the height requirement.

It was the width
that was the problem.

I can't get enough

of these stories
of your relatives.

Tell me again about the one

which ends
with the plumbing getting fixed.

I'd like to shower and
shave
before these auditions.

You are a bit scruffy...

common... brutish.

Need a moist towelette?

Koenig's Speedy Plumbing.
Sorry we're late.

Who are you?

I'm Tiffany, your second cousin,
twice-removed.

Oh, no way!

My cousin Tiffany
is still in
Pampers.

Good news. I'm potty-trained!

Which is more
than I can say for him.

Oh, Irving?

Fran.

You got old.

Yeah, well, I was a lot younger
when I called you.

You were supposed to be here
at 9:30.

We were.

It's a long way from the curb.

Yeah, well, don't
lose your momentum.

The kitchen's down that way.

Keep moving.

Hey, don't touch anything.

You break it, you bought it.

So, this is nice.

Your grandfather
is babysitting you?

Vice versa.

When we let him out alone,

he keeps driving
until he runs out of
gas

and someone calls the number
on the side of van.

Oh. Does that happen often?

Who knows? It's not our number.

He wrecked our van.

No, you may not
look through the keyhole

when your father
is auditioning showgirls.

Well, why not?

That's where I'll be.

Brighton, come
here.
I want you to
meet Tiffany.

Hi.
Hi.

Magic.

Well, why don't you two kids
go up and play?

Mets fan?
Yankees.

Giants?
Jets.

Geek.
Dork.

Play nice!

Whoa... this is some big house.

I hope he doesn't
charge by the hour.

Right.

Uh-oh.

What's with the "uh-oh"?

I don't like to hear plumbers
or hairdressers say uh-oh.

Forgot my wrench.

What were you doing down there
so long without your tools?

That's my business.

Can I get you anything?

Juice? Soda?

Digitalis?

Oh, Niles, Mr. Sheffield
is gonna kill me.

Why do I have this compulsion

to hire my relatives?

It's a sickness.

I know.
I should seek help.

Well, I'll call
my Uncle Stanley.

He's a shrink.

You have no idea
what you're talking
about.

Yeah, you think
just because I'm not rich

and go
to some fancy private school

I don't know anything?

I'm telling you,
there were two Darrens.

You're crazy.

No. She's absolutely
right.

The first Darren died.

The second Darren just
came out of the closet.

Go live with a witch.

Pay up.
Dream on.

Hey, watch it, Richie Rich.

You welsh on me,

it's the last thing
you'll ever do.

So sue me.

It could happen.

Uncle Sidney.
Uncle Sidney.

I don't believe this.

Even the troll
has a social life.

I know.

Daddy can be such a pain.

I know.

It's just a party.

I know!

Say, I know a lot.

I should get a raise.

Honey, try to be

more understanding
of your father.

He just wants to protect you.

Yeah, well, he's impossible.
He never lets me go anywhere.

I remember my mother
didn't let me go

to Amy Semel's Sweet 16
at the bowling alley.

She had this thing

about wearing
other people's
shoes.

She thought I would get polio,

or was it planter's warts?

Anyway, it was
something
with a P.

And what does that
have to do with me?

Give me a minute.

Oh, yeah.

You know, sometimes your parents
sound like they're crazy,

but when you really
think about it...

they are.

Oy... I'll go
talk
to your
father.

Hey!

Well, the drain's clear.

Wow!

How do you do?

Brighton Sheffield,
producer's son.

Hi, Brighton.

What do you want to be
when you grow up?

A halter top.

Hello.

Hello. Hi.

Hello.

Look, Fran.
Giant Barbie dolls.

Will you play with me?

Oh. No, honey.
These toys are for boys.

I have a four-octave range,

and I studied
acting
with Stella Adler.

Very impressive.

I can also stand on my hands
and do a full split.

You've got the part!

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield!

I can't wait to work for you!

Oh, God, I want your job.

Thank you, Gigi.

We'll call
you.

Oh, watch it.

You could poke someone's eye
out with those.

Well, look at the two of you,

like a couple of cats

outside a fish store.

I would have thought

you were more sophisticated
than that.

No, not really.
No, not really.

Oh, Miss Fine,

it's nothing to be ashamed of.

The human body
is a beautiful thing.

Uh-huh.

Well, I could have
had that body too,

had I cashed in
my Israeli bonds.

Well, don't look at me.

I wanted to do 12 Angry Men.

Mm, but they
didn't
want to do you.

Excuse me. I'll think I'll see

what needs dusting
in the living room.

Miss Fine,
did you want something?

I want to talk to
you
about Maggie.

The answer is no.

But it's just a party!

Amazingly enough,

that cogent argument
still hasn't convinced me.

Well, give me a second,

and I'll think
of something else.

No. Absolutely not.
I forbid it.

Well, can I think
it's
a definite maybe?

I'll take care of my family.

You take care of yours.

Now, go tell your Uncle Irving
to hurry it up,

or you'll be finished
before he is.

You want it fast,
or do you want it good?

I want it all!

You know, this grungy look
is very cute on you.

Go. Now.

Niles, bring me an Aspirin.

Sorry, sir.
I've got my hands
full.

Huh?

Where's Irving?

The last time I saw him,

he was bounding up the stairs.

If you leave now,

you can probably catch
him
at the landing.

Oh. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Irving?

Irving?

Irving, are you in here?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

How about a little privacy here?

Tiffany, I told you
not to touch anything.

You also said to play nice.

What were you kids thinking,

making out in there?

A minute ago, you
were
at each other's
throats.

now you're just at each other?

What happened?

Well, she hit me,
then I pushed her.

One thing led to another.

You know how it is.

The kid's cute, so I kissed him.

Go ahead, tell me

you haven't had
the same thoughts

about his old man.

Just mind your own B-I-business.

Fran, it was no big deal.

Maybe not to you,

but you're gonna get me fired.

Your father has this big thing
about his kids kissing.

I don't know why.
They're very good at it.

Hey, what can I say?

Hey!

What are you doing?

You guys need to be hosed down.
If only we had water.

You, go to your room.

Not you.

You want to get somebody hot,

go light a fire under
your grandfather's butt.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield's
gonna kill me.

He's gonna find some way
to make it my fault,

just because
the plumber is my cousin,

and he brought her,

and I sent them
up to play together.

The twisted pathways
of his mind.

What am I gonna do?

He nearly had a conniption

when Maggie
kissed that boy Eddie,

and Brighton's
three years younger.

Oh, I'll be canned for sure.

Miss Fine, you spend
so much time up this creek,

I should think, by now,
you'd have bought a paddle.

Niles, if you're not
part of the solution,

you're part of the problem.

Well, perhaps Master Brighton
will keep his mouth shut.

If he could do that,

I wouldn't be in this mess

in the first place.

Fran, guess what!

What? What?

Brighton kissed Tiffany
in the shower!

Thank you, Hedda Hopper.

Any more bright ideas?

Well, perhaps you have a cousin

who works for unemployment?

Miss Fine!

Oh, I can explain.

You know, it's true.

I did send them up to play
with each other,

but who knew
they'd take it literally?

What are you talking about?

You first.

There's still no water.

Oh, you're mad about the water.

Did you hear that, Niles?
He's mad about the water.

Miss Fine, this is
hardly
cause for celebration.

I'm about to fire your cousin.

Ah, fire away.

Listen, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

He's mad about the water.

Uh, you're taking
this
awfully well.

She thought she was in trouble
about Brighton.

Oops.

What about Brighton?

Got to go.
Got a play date. Bye.

Me too.

Freeze.

Uh, Mr. Sheffield,

as per your request

to expedite
the plumbing situation,

I went upstairs
to find Cousin Irving,

and, um, well,

I found Brighton in the shower.

He had water?

He had Tiffany.

What?

I know you have this thing
about your kids kissing,

but before you get
all bent out of...

Brighton was kissing
your cousin?

She's just a distant cousin.
Very distant.

In fact, she's more like
a close neighbor.

Not even close.
There was a fence.

So Brighton snagged
his first kiss, huh?

And only 11 years old.

Well, you sound proud of that.

Well, he beat his old man
by two years.

Well, wait a minute.
When Maggie was over the...

Now would be a good time
to stop talking.

Oh. Yeah.

You know, you never
think of that as an option.

Irving.

What's the matter,
your watch stopped?

No, the date changed.

Will you be through with this

before the battery wears out?

This bathroom's ready to go.

Oh, thank God.

So we can take a shower?

If it's you and me
you're talking about,

it's extra.

Fran, did you hear that Brighton

was kissing
Tiffany
in the shower?

What is this, a slow news day?

It stinks!

I'm not allowed
to go to a stupid
party,

but Daddy wants to
throw Brighton a
parade?

I know. It's so unfair.

Oh. Is this yours?

No, it's Gracie's.

Fran, what are we gonna
do about it?

Honey, I told you,
I'm working on him,

but you know,
men can't be rushed.

They're like chickens...

You cook them too fast,
they get tough,

whereas if you take your time
with them,

let them simmer,

then they fall apart
in your hand.

But the party's tonight.

Oh.

Well, kiss it off.

Fran!

Honey, I've been skating
on thin ice

with your father all day.

Please don't push me through.

Aren't you the one
who's always telling me

that men and women should
be treated equally?

Well, that sounds like me.

Except men should
still open the doors

and pick up the check.

Yeah.
That's definitely
me.

Okay. Here. Here. Here.

I'll go poke the chicken.

Mr. Sheffield?

Mr. Sheffield.

I told you kids...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield!

Oh, you're wearing
the new soap-on-a-rope

I got you for Christmas!

What? What is it?

I just... and he was...

And I saw!

Miss Fine, you're hysterical.

Now, don't make me slap you.

I just saw Mr. Sheffield naked.
It was horrible.

I keep telling him
to get to the gym.

I'm serious.

It's like
seeing your father naked.

My mother should be so lucky.

Would you like
a cigarette, Miss
Fine?

Oh, he can't eve stand
to be seen without a tie.

Oh, this is gonna put him
right over the edge.

You know, when I
first
started in service,

I walked in on the Queen Mum.

In the shower?

On the throne.

He's not strong enough
to handle this.

I don't care

how many bulging muscles
he's got.

Well, just promise me one thing.

What?

Let me tell Miss Babcock.

Oh...

There you go.

Now, do I get
some guarantee with that?

Yeah. I guarantee I'll be back.

Gramps, let's get a start
on those stairs.

I want to make it
home
beforeLetterman.

You're leaving me,
just like that?

Don't cling.
You're suffocating me.

We just met.

It was nice while it lasted,
but it's over.

Let's not drag this out.

Dad, I'm no expert on this,
but... Was I just dumped?

Yes, son.

Welcome to the battle
of the sexes,

where they sneak up on you
when you're most
vulnerable,

Utterly humiliate you,

then leave you trembling,
exposed, and naked.

Yeah, okay, but...

Dumped or not,
did I get to first base?

Well... yes.

All right!

Mr. Sheffield!

Ah. Um...

Was there a paper this morning?

Yeah. You read it
at breakfast.

Oh. Yes.

Mr. Sheffield, I have
to
see you a sec.

Oh, I think
you've seen quite enough.

Mr. Sheffield,
it's important.

All right, but please,
I beg of you,

just get to the point.

No more long stories
about your high school,

family, pets.

Okay, okay, I'll
just
stick to the bare
facts.

I'm sorry.

I mean, it's no big thing.

Oy!

This isn't going well.

Let me just cut to the chase.

Yeah. That's okay.

I'm sorry I walked in on you,

but you have nothing
to be ashamed of.

Didn't you say the human body
is a beautiful thing?

Oh, now, Miss Fine, you can't
go comparing

me looking at these girls
for an audition

with you walking in
on me in the shower.

It's entirely different.

Yeah. I'm not
selling
tickets.

Although plenty of women
would pay through the nose.

Miss Fine!

I'm just kidding.

I didn't see anything,
except for your double standard.

My double what?

Your double standard.

You have one set of rules
for boys

and then a whole
repressed-Rapunzel
thing

happening for the girls.

Are we back
on this blasted party?

Look, all I'm saying is that
you need to trust Maggie

as much as Brighton,

and knowing
Brighton,
even more so.

I trust Maggie.

It's the boys I don't trust.

Well, Maggie has to learn
to handle 14-year-old
boys,

so when she grows up,

she can know how to
handle full-grown
men,

Who, when you think about it,
are a lot like 14-year-old
boys.

You have a very good point.

How annoying.

All right,
she can go to the party,

but she has to be back by 10:00.

10:00?

A good time to have a good time,
but not too good a time.

Fine. Thank you, thank you.
Now, back to work.

Mr. Sheffield, are you ever
gonna look me in the eye again?

I am looking you in the eye.

Mm-hmm.

Look, Miss Fine,
surely you can understand

this whole episode has been
a little embarrassing for me.

Oh, don't be silly.
It all happened so fast.

I didn't see anything.

Good.

You have nothing
to be embarrassed about...

Believe me.

You know, men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens...

You cook them too fast,
they get...

But men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens...

you cook them too fast,
and they get tough.

Whereas, if you let them
simmer...

Honey, I told you,
I'm working on it.

One more time, I got it.