The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 9 - Madeline Kahn - full transcript
Madeline Kahn! Oh, Madeline Kahn!
Fifteen seconds to
curtain, Miss Kahn,
Thank you, Scooter,
I won't let you do it! You hear me?
I won't let an artist of
your beauty and integrity
go out there and work
on this weird, sick show,
You're on,
It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
This helps but I
can still hear them,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Thank you, thank you, thank you and
welcome again to The Muppet Show,
where our guest star is the
talented star of film and television,
Miss Madeline Kahn!
But first, many of you people have
been writing in to ask the question,
can the frog tap dance?
And of course the answer to that is,
hit it!
It's Madeline Kahn!
You must be the Great Gonzo, right?
Yeah, I was just rehearsing a
rather sensationaI new act I'm doing,
This is Eric, the yodelling clam,
Well, if you're busy, I'II...
No, no, no, no! Eric, take five,
I'll get him!
Dear, dear, me! There,
Are you all right?
- Yeah,
Well, I'm glad,
Why?
- What do you mean, why?
Why did you say you were glad?
Well, I think you're
terrific on the show,
You do?
I'd hate to see anything happen,
- You would?
Well, yeah,
Wow! You're not just
kidding around here, are you?
Of course I'm not kidding!
I think you're terrific!
Miss Kahn, time to get ready
for your musicaI number,
Thank you, See you
later, Gonzo, Excuse me,
Yeah, bye,
How's it going with
your yodelling clam?
You can have him, I'm in love!
What's he good for?
- Chowder!
We started the with Happy Feet.
Here's our guest star
to continue that thought,
Ladies and gentlemen, Madeline Kahn!
Wait! Wait a minute!
These are filthy!
You kicked me that time!
Oh, my...!
I need you! But on the other hand...
Listen, let me get...
I just bought a new hearing aid,
How much was it?
- About four dollars,
What kind is it?
I said what kind is it?
It's about a quarter after 1 2,
Thank you, thank you,
Excuse me, Miss
Piggy, May I come in?
Only if you're green
and have flippers,
It's me, Gonzo, and it
will only take a second,
OK, twerp, what do you want?
Well, you know, I've always
had this crush on you,
I came to tell you that I'm
not gonna bother you anymore,
I'm sorry,
- Well, good!
I'm glad you've finally
come to your senses,
Well...
- Oh, my dear Gonzo,
I know it will be
painfuI for a while,
But in time, you shall
forget all about me,
But I already have,
Yes, I've found somebody else,
Oh, well... You have?
What's she like?
Well, she's nothing like you at all,
She's beautifuI!
And she's got this cute little nose,
And she's intelligent and talented,
And I'm very happy,
So you see, breaking up with
you isn't painfuI at all,
Not untiI now!
I see what you mean,
...lobster...
...the lobster into the...
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Don't move!
What the hey?
I think they were trying to
make a point with that sketch,
What's the point?
You're right, Forget it,
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the salubrious
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The provocative first
mate, Miss Piggy.
And the mythical Dr Strangepork.
When last we left the
spaceship Swinetrek,
it was drifting aimlessly in space
due to the loss of power
in the steering mechanism.
Are you sure we've lost power
on our steering mechanism, Link?
I'm afraid so, doctor,
Try that one,
What, this one here?
I already did,
I didn't see you,
You don't have to see
me, I'm the captain,
Did you see him, doctor?
No,
- There!
But if Link says he tried that
one, I for one believe him,
Thank you,
Men, You all stick together,
I'm going to try that controI,
You stay on your own side,
These are the captain's controls,
Those are your controls, They
are the first mate controls,
You work your own,
My controls are just
for the hot plate,
the air conditioning and the stereo,
They have nothing
to do with steering,
That's right,
I'm going to take a break,
See that First Mate Piggy works
her own controls and not mine,
Right, Link,
I know that it's this one,
But the captain said...
I don't care what he
said, I'm gonna try it,
I heard that, Stop her,
It's too late!
- This works the steering,
Or the door,
Tune in two weeks from
tonight and miss next week's
Pigs in Space!
You know, that was almost funny,
Better be carefuI, They'll
spoiI a perfect record,
OK, here is Fozzie Bear
and his magic ukulele
playing one of the classics
from the musicaI theatre,
Hey, It... it's just a song,
Please don't take it personaI,
Oh, boy,
That bit they just did
reminds me of broccoli,
Why?
- I hate broccoli,
Now once again, our speciaI
guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn,
What a beautifuI, sunny day,
I just love sunny days
because they are so beautifuI,
When the sun shines, it just
makes everything look so nice
that I wish the sun
would never stop shining,
Well,
Of course... there are some very
nice things about rainy days too,
The rain
feels so refreshing,
I think that I like rainy days
just as much as I like sunny days,
After all, the rain makes
the pretty flowers grow,
and I just love the pretty flowers,
You know, even more than flowers,
I like trees,
Just look at those lovely statues,
I think that this bench
is probably one of the most
comfortable benches I've ever sat upon,
Of course, there are
so many beautifuI things
that you don't even have to
see to enjoy, Just listen,
Listen to that lovely bird singing,
You are really not very nice,
In fact, you're perfectly awfuI,
You are so awfuI that
it is truly beautifuI,
You've probably worked all
your life to be perfectly awfuI,
Year after year to be
just as bad as possible,
And now all of your toiI and
self-sacrifice has paid off,
Yes, you're a success,
Yes, you have set yourself a
goaI and you have achieved it,
Oh, you are to be congratulated,
Yeah,
You are so awfuI that
it is truly beautifuI,
In fact, you are the perfect example
of beautifuI awfulness,
Sometimes you have to talk
your troubles down to a size
where you can handle them,
Kermit, how do I look?
Very nice, Gonzo,
What's the big occasion?
Madeline Kahn and I
are getting married,
Married?
Yeah, moving out to the suburbs,
buying a station
wagon, joining the PTA,
The whole ball of wax,
But Gonzo, you just
met Madeline Kahn,
I know, I work fast, Kermit,
I'm going to ask her now,
Wait a second, You
haven't even asked her yet?
Kermit, she's crazy about me,
Don't you think
you're rushing things?
I mean, even buying
a new tuxedo before...
No, this tuxedo isn't new,
I used to wear this when I
was working on a magic act,
Are you sure it's all right?
I think you better check the pocket,
I think you're right,
You better check the hat too,
Quiet up there, Bun Bun,
Here's a Muppet news flash,
Reports are coming in
from all over the world
that television news
reporters are blowing up,
These unlikely rumours have...
Kermit, I am glad you
told me this, I mean, I...
But I feeI terrible now,
- It wasn't your fault, Madeline,
Gonzo doesn't get many compliments,
When he does hear
one, he goes bananas,
I was just trying to be
nice to Gonzo, not marry him,
You've got to help me find him,
I'll go check the prop room,
- I'll look upstairs,
Gonzo,
Hi, Miss Kahn,
Gonzo, I'm very
sorry I made you sad,
I just really don't think it
would work out if we got married,
No, I suppose I am
kind of short for you,
No! It's... Well, anyway,
Hey, I hope we can be
the very best of friends,
Thank you,
If there's anything
I can do for you...
There is one thing,
- What?
Let me finish my song,
Oh, of course, I'd
like to hear it, please,
Can I borrow your...?
Sure,
- Thank you,
What is this? What is this?
My magician's coat,
That's it for this show, Let's
have a speciaI round of applause
for our guest star,
Miss Madeline Kahn!
Thank you, Thank you, Kermit,
I very much enjoyed
being on the show,
Everyone has been so nice,
Especially Gonzo,
Oh, thank you,
I'm sorry it didn't work out,
- You should be,
Now you'll have to go to
all those PTA meetings alone,
OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
We got our money's worth tonight,
- But we paid nothing,
That's what we got,
Fifteen seconds to
curtain, Miss Kahn,
Thank you, Scooter,
I won't let you do it! You hear me?
I won't let an artist of
your beauty and integrity
go out there and work
on this weird, sick show,
You're on,
It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
This helps but I
can still hear them,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Thank you, thank you, thank you and
welcome again to The Muppet Show,
where our guest star is the
talented star of film and television,
Miss Madeline Kahn!
But first, many of you people have
been writing in to ask the question,
can the frog tap dance?
And of course the answer to that is,
hit it!
It's Madeline Kahn!
You must be the Great Gonzo, right?
Yeah, I was just rehearsing a
rather sensationaI new act I'm doing,
This is Eric, the yodelling clam,
Well, if you're busy, I'II...
No, no, no, no! Eric, take five,
I'll get him!
Dear, dear, me! There,
Are you all right?
- Yeah,
Well, I'm glad,
Why?
- What do you mean, why?
Why did you say you were glad?
Well, I think you're
terrific on the show,
You do?
I'd hate to see anything happen,
- You would?
Well, yeah,
Wow! You're not just
kidding around here, are you?
Of course I'm not kidding!
I think you're terrific!
Miss Kahn, time to get ready
for your musicaI number,
Thank you, See you
later, Gonzo, Excuse me,
Yeah, bye,
How's it going with
your yodelling clam?
You can have him, I'm in love!
What's he good for?
- Chowder!
We started the with Happy Feet.
Here's our guest star
to continue that thought,
Ladies and gentlemen, Madeline Kahn!
Wait! Wait a minute!
These are filthy!
You kicked me that time!
Oh, my...!
I need you! But on the other hand...
Listen, let me get...
I just bought a new hearing aid,
How much was it?
- About four dollars,
What kind is it?
I said what kind is it?
It's about a quarter after 1 2,
Thank you, thank you,
Excuse me, Miss
Piggy, May I come in?
Only if you're green
and have flippers,
It's me, Gonzo, and it
will only take a second,
OK, twerp, what do you want?
Well, you know, I've always
had this crush on you,
I came to tell you that I'm
not gonna bother you anymore,
I'm sorry,
- Well, good!
I'm glad you've finally
come to your senses,
Well...
- Oh, my dear Gonzo,
I know it will be
painfuI for a while,
But in time, you shall
forget all about me,
But I already have,
Yes, I've found somebody else,
Oh, well... You have?
What's she like?
Well, she's nothing like you at all,
She's beautifuI!
And she's got this cute little nose,
And she's intelligent and talented,
And I'm very happy,
So you see, breaking up with
you isn't painfuI at all,
Not untiI now!
I see what you mean,
...lobster...
...the lobster into the...
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Don't move!
What the hey?
I think they were trying to
make a point with that sketch,
What's the point?
You're right, Forget it,
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the salubrious
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The provocative first
mate, Miss Piggy.
And the mythical Dr Strangepork.
When last we left the
spaceship Swinetrek,
it was drifting aimlessly in space
due to the loss of power
in the steering mechanism.
Are you sure we've lost power
on our steering mechanism, Link?
I'm afraid so, doctor,
Try that one,
What, this one here?
I already did,
I didn't see you,
You don't have to see
me, I'm the captain,
Did you see him, doctor?
No,
- There!
But if Link says he tried that
one, I for one believe him,
Thank you,
Men, You all stick together,
I'm going to try that controI,
You stay on your own side,
These are the captain's controls,
Those are your controls, They
are the first mate controls,
You work your own,
My controls are just
for the hot plate,
the air conditioning and the stereo,
They have nothing
to do with steering,
That's right,
I'm going to take a break,
See that First Mate Piggy works
her own controls and not mine,
Right, Link,
I know that it's this one,
But the captain said...
I don't care what he
said, I'm gonna try it,
I heard that, Stop her,
It's too late!
- This works the steering,
Or the door,
Tune in two weeks from
tonight and miss next week's
Pigs in Space!
You know, that was almost funny,
Better be carefuI, They'll
spoiI a perfect record,
OK, here is Fozzie Bear
and his magic ukulele
playing one of the classics
from the musicaI theatre,
Hey, It... it's just a song,
Please don't take it personaI,
Oh, boy,
That bit they just did
reminds me of broccoli,
Why?
- I hate broccoli,
Now once again, our speciaI
guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn,
What a beautifuI, sunny day,
I just love sunny days
because they are so beautifuI,
When the sun shines, it just
makes everything look so nice
that I wish the sun
would never stop shining,
Well,
Of course... there are some very
nice things about rainy days too,
The rain
feels so refreshing,
I think that I like rainy days
just as much as I like sunny days,
After all, the rain makes
the pretty flowers grow,
and I just love the pretty flowers,
You know, even more than flowers,
I like trees,
Just look at those lovely statues,
I think that this bench
is probably one of the most
comfortable benches I've ever sat upon,
Of course, there are
so many beautifuI things
that you don't even have to
see to enjoy, Just listen,
Listen to that lovely bird singing,
You are really not very nice,
In fact, you're perfectly awfuI,
You are so awfuI that
it is truly beautifuI,
You've probably worked all
your life to be perfectly awfuI,
Year after year to be
just as bad as possible,
And now all of your toiI and
self-sacrifice has paid off,
Yes, you're a success,
Yes, you have set yourself a
goaI and you have achieved it,
Oh, you are to be congratulated,
Yeah,
You are so awfuI that
it is truly beautifuI,
In fact, you are the perfect example
of beautifuI awfulness,
Sometimes you have to talk
your troubles down to a size
where you can handle them,
Kermit, how do I look?
Very nice, Gonzo,
What's the big occasion?
Madeline Kahn and I
are getting married,
Married?
Yeah, moving out to the suburbs,
buying a station
wagon, joining the PTA,
The whole ball of wax,
But Gonzo, you just
met Madeline Kahn,
I know, I work fast, Kermit,
I'm going to ask her now,
Wait a second, You
haven't even asked her yet?
Kermit, she's crazy about me,
Don't you think
you're rushing things?
I mean, even buying
a new tuxedo before...
No, this tuxedo isn't new,
I used to wear this when I
was working on a magic act,
Are you sure it's all right?
I think you better check the pocket,
I think you're right,
You better check the hat too,
Quiet up there, Bun Bun,
Here's a Muppet news flash,
Reports are coming in
from all over the world
that television news
reporters are blowing up,
These unlikely rumours have...
Kermit, I am glad you
told me this, I mean, I...
But I feeI terrible now,
- It wasn't your fault, Madeline,
Gonzo doesn't get many compliments,
When he does hear
one, he goes bananas,
I was just trying to be
nice to Gonzo, not marry him,
You've got to help me find him,
I'll go check the prop room,
- I'll look upstairs,
Gonzo,
Hi, Miss Kahn,
Gonzo, I'm very
sorry I made you sad,
I just really don't think it
would work out if we got married,
No, I suppose I am
kind of short for you,
No! It's... Well, anyway,
Hey, I hope we can be
the very best of friends,
Thank you,
If there's anything
I can do for you...
There is one thing,
- What?
Let me finish my song,
Oh, of course, I'd
like to hear it, please,
Can I borrow your...?
Sure,
- Thank you,
What is this? What is this?
My magician's coat,
That's it for this show, Let's
have a speciaI round of applause
for our guest star,
Miss Madeline Kahn!
Thank you, Thank you, Kermit,
I very much enjoyed
being on the show,
Everyone has been so nice,
Especially Gonzo,
Oh, thank you,
I'm sorry it didn't work out,
- You should be,
Now you'll have to go to
all those PTA meetings alone,
OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
We got our money's worth tonight,
- But we paid nothing,
That's what we got,