The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 10 - George Burns - full transcript
Reporter Fleet Scribbler is covering the Muppet Show with his obviously hostile biased writing.
George Burns. George Burns.
Twenty seconds to
curtain, Mr. Burns.
I'm ready.
But... but what is that?
It's my new act. Gonzo
fiddles while George burns.
I like that joke.
It's a pleasure
to hear something
that's older than I am.
It's The Muppet Show
with our special guest
star, Mr. George Burns.
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
Isn't this opening pretentious?
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
♪ On the most
sensational inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
OK, thank you, thank you
and welcome again to
another Muppet Show.
We've got a great show tonight
because our guest star
is Mr. George Burns.
- That's very funny.
- What's funny?
Gonzo fiddles
while George burns.
Have you ever
thought of checking in
to the Home for the
Chronically Strange?
But right now,
let's start things off
by going south of the border.
Everybody!
Well, there it is. Your
basic Latin number.
Well, actually, it's your
basic pig Latin number.
What's going on? Who are you?
The name's Fleet Scribbler.
I'm a gossip columnist
for The Daily Scandal.
I'm sorry but we don't allow
reporters backstage
during the show.
What a headline!
"Muppets Ban Press,
Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."
Wait, on the other hand,
can I offer you a cup of coffee?
What a headline!
"Frog Bribes Reporter,
Muppets Desperate
for Publicity."
This isn't going to be easy.
Say, is it true you're
dropping a lot of stuff
from the show this year?
No, no, not particularly.
Aha. "Muppets Relying
on Same Old Tired Junk."
Wait, wait, on the other hand,
we have a lot of
brand-new, innovative stuff.
"Muppets Changing Format,
Desperate to Sustain Show."
I never knew the press
could be so depressing.
Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed
to be introducing George Burns?
Oh, yeah. Excuse me.
- What a headline
that would make.
- What?
"Gonzo Fiddles
While George Burns."
That joke is definitely
making a comeback.
It's a very special night on
The Muppet Show because
with us is one of
the men of comedy
who can really
be called special.
Here he is with a cigar and
a song, Mr. George Burns.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much,
and I'm delighted to be here.
I'm really glad you
could make it, George.
It's a real honor for me to
be playing piano for you.
Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't
worked with a dog for years.
You've actually
worked with a dog?
Oh, sure, back in vaudeville.
In those days dog
acts were very popular.
So I picked up a
dog off the street
and went to the
theater to do my act.
I walked out on stage
with the dog under my arm,
stood there and sang my songs.
In the middle of my third
song, the dog did his act.
Twice.
He bit me, the dog bit me right
in the middle of my top note.
And to make matters worse,
the theater manager came back,
canceled me and hired the dog.
I hope you won't hold
that against us dogs.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs,
especially if they
can play in my key.
Oh, listen, I can
play in any key.
I'm another Jascha Heifetz.
Jascha Heifetz
played the violin.
Nobody will know
the difference, George.
OK, Rowlf, in my
key, Train Back Home.
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, Rowlf.
You're liable to hurt yourself.
Play like you're not
getting paid. Nice and easy.
- Nice and easy it is.
- Right from the top.
Right.
Isn't that a nice song?
Hey, that George
Burns is a great singer.
Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.
- What?
- Sure, you wanna hear me sing?
- Only if you sing tenor.
- Tenor?
Ten or 11 miles away.
How should I know what
"cuanto le gusta" means?
Hiya, chickie baby.
Watch it, buster.
I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The
Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.
And what can your
chickie baby do for you?
Well, I wanted to talk to you.
You want to interview me? Ah!
- Well, not exactly.
- Oh, what do you want?
- Dirt.
- What?
You know, scandal,
the hot skinny.
What really goes on
behind the scenes.
I couldn't do that.
There is such a thing as
loyalty to one's fellow performers.
Too bad.
I also wanted to do a
picture spread of you.
Something for Page Three.
Well, first of all...
just the other day...
Hey, wait a second. Hey,
Scribbler. Those are all lies.
- Hey, hey, hey - Whoa, hey, hey
Excuse me, Mr. Burns.
I wanted to warn you about
this reporter that's backstage.
He writes a gossip column.
As long as he doesn't
write the obituary column,
I'm not worried.
But he writes for
The Daily Scandal
and he'll do anything
for sensationalism.
Pay no attention to him,
Burns. He's only a frog.
Thanks.
Look, I'll get right
to the point, Burns.
How much are they
paying you on this show?
- Hey, now, now, wait a second.
- Let me handle this, Kermit.
They're paying me $250,000.
- Ah, come on, is that a lie?
- One of my best.
For years you were
a vaudeville actor
and now you've made two films.
Is it difficult to be an actor.
No, I think it's very
easy to be an actor.
If you're doing a scene where
a man tells you to sit down,
if you sit down,
that's good acting.
If he tells you to sit down
and you keep standing up,
that's bad acting.
I always sit down,
I'm a good actor.
I've been around so
long that if I can sit down
and get paid for doing it,
I'm in the right business.
That's the end of the
interview. Goodbye, kid.
- You really took care of him.
- Thanks, Kermit.
How many cigars
do you smoke a day?
About 20 a day.
At my age, I got to
hold on to something.
And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob, are you ready
for your next patient?
Next patient? What
happened to the last one?
- He left for a better doctor.
- Which doctor?
That's right. Witch doctor!
Witch doctor!
- Here it is, Dr. Bob.
- Hmm?
It's a telephone. What's wrong?
It isn't working.
Isn't working? Well, tell it
to get a job so it can pay me.
- Maybe it's a pay phone.
- A pay phone!
Wow!
Dr. Bob, do you know anything
about repairing telephones?
- I can look it up in the book.
- The medical book?
No, the telephone book.
- What do you think, Dr. Bob?
- It must be jaundice.
How do you know?
Look at all these yellow pages.
Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob, do you think
the telephone
needs an anesthetic.
- Well, if so, make it a local.
- Why?
Because long distance
costs too much.
Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy,
don't you have the next line?
- Yes, but I can't say it.
- How come?
The line's busy.
- Dr. Bob?
- Hm?
Dr. Bob, wow, are you
ever going to operate?
- No, but I know who will.
- Who?
The telephone operator.
And so, once again,
Dr. Bob is off the hook.
You talking to me?
Tune in next week
when you'll hear
Nurse Piggy say:
Does the phone
remind you of anything?
Well, it does ring a bell.
Watch the hands!
Watch the feet! Watch
your wallet! Here we go.
Everybody!
Excuse me, Mr. Burns,
remember me? I'm Gonzo.
Oh, one of the Marx Brothers,
Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.
No, no, no, no, I'm the Great
Gonzo. I'm in show business too.
Well, how did you get
a name like Gonzo?
- My mother gave it to me.
- Your mother.
Yeah. She died two
years before I was born.
If she died two years
before you were born,
how could she
give you that name?
- She left a note to my father.
- A note to your father,
I thought so.
Coming from you
that sounds believable.
Look, I hope you don't mind
me coming in here like this,
but I know you
love show business,
and those stories
about the early days
are really interesting.
- Some of them are pretty dull.
- How can you say that?
I haven't even told you
any of my stories yet.
Oh, yours? I
thought you meant...
I remember my first act.
I worked with a kangaroo
who could tell time.
A kangaroo who could tell time?
Yeah. It was a trick. He kept
a pocket watch in his pouch.
If you've got a pouch,
that's the place to keep it.
Yeah, but he was always wrong.
He kept his watch
on Australia time.
Makes sense.
Not really. He's never
been to Australia.
Well, that makes sense
too. Where did he come from?
Sydney.
I thought you said he'd
never been to Australia.
Sydney's his agent.
- Has he got
an office in Pittsburgh.
- Yeah.
Used to handle me. You
know something, Gonzo?
You sound a lot like
somebody I used to work with.
- Really? That's a compliment.
- Mm-hm.
You know... you
know who that is?
Sure, Walter Matthau.
Yeah, that's her.
I must be getting old. I
think I enjoyed talking to him.
Kermie, Kermie, won't
you dance with me? Kermie!
Oh, yeah?
- Bravo, Bravo!
- Why are you yelling bravo?
Did you like it that much?
No. A friend of mine, Joe
Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.
- Bravo, Bravo, up here!
- Up here!
This is a recorded
analytic program readout.
We will start with the
upper right of the module.
You will note
the longitudinally
polarized antenna.
This component is
virtually indestructible
and is guaranteed
for the life of the unit.
There is an alarm system
which is activated
if any portion of the
machine is damaged.
Adjacent to the alarm is
the digital iambic generator.
This unit is pressurized with
large amounts of methane gas.
On the top of the
inter-cellular power generator
you will see a spherical
voltage oblongata.
It should be noted
that this unit alone
is worth over $17,000.
By way of contrast, the
Doppler sublimated magneto
located on the
front of the generator
can be purchased
in any hardware store
for about 37 cents.
The intercellular power
structure and generator itself
is filled with a series
of Manxome coils
attenuated dicotyledonously.
In this same circuit there
is an intaglio of numismatic
krypton wavelengths
which abrogates
the hydromatic mome raths
at the rate of five ventrical
icons per micro cantabile.
The electromagnetic console...
In conclusion, nothing
can keep this machine
from performing
its primary function
which is to be the most powerful
exploding device known to man.
Disgusting. Ever
see eating like that?
- Sure.
- Where?
Thanksgiving dinner
with my in-laws.
Hey, Kermit, do you
know about the reporter
who's snooping around here?
Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.
He asked me to tell him
all about the scandals
and behind-the-scenes dirt.
Oh, I know, it's just awful.
- It was. I didn't
know where to begin.
- What?
Well, I mean, I could
have talked for hours.
I don't want to hear about it.
Now he's talking to
the Swedish Chef.
Well, he can't get any
information from him.
On the other hand...
Ladies and
gentlemen, once again,
the one and only
Mr. George Burns.
What do you say, George, would
you do one more song for us?
You don't think I came
over here just to do one song.
Mr. Burns, oh, I've been
a fan of yours for years.
Would you sing a
song just for moi?
I could never say no to a lady.
Well, you don't
have to worry then.
It's only Miss Piggy.
Cool it, flea bait.
Now, where were we?
I was about to
say yes to a lady.
Thank you, Mr. Burns.
Let's get the group out
because this song needs
all the help I can get.
Out here, everybody.
- Now, Rowlf, in my key.
- All right.
- I want you all to follow me.
- Yes, sir.
That's nice.
Hold that note. I'll
find another song.
Oh, I got it.
That's nice. Let's...
let's... let's do that again.
It's been another busy show
and here we are now at
the place where it stops.
And so let's give
a warm thank you
to our special guest
star, Mr. George Burns!
Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true
that you and Miss Piggy
were seen at a discotheque?
Good night, Fleet.
OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
- How do they do it?
- How do we watch it?
- Why do we watch it?
- Why do you watch it?
Twenty seconds to
curtain, Mr. Burns.
I'm ready.
But... but what is that?
It's my new act. Gonzo
fiddles while George burns.
I like that joke.
It's a pleasure
to hear something
that's older than I am.
It's The Muppet Show
with our special guest
star, Mr. George Burns.
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
Isn't this opening pretentious?
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
♪ On the most
sensational inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
OK, thank you, thank you
and welcome again to
another Muppet Show.
We've got a great show tonight
because our guest star
is Mr. George Burns.
- That's very funny.
- What's funny?
Gonzo fiddles
while George burns.
Have you ever
thought of checking in
to the Home for the
Chronically Strange?
But right now,
let's start things off
by going south of the border.
Everybody!
Well, there it is. Your
basic Latin number.
Well, actually, it's your
basic pig Latin number.
What's going on? Who are you?
The name's Fleet Scribbler.
I'm a gossip columnist
for The Daily Scandal.
I'm sorry but we don't allow
reporters backstage
during the show.
What a headline!
"Muppets Ban Press,
Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."
Wait, on the other hand,
can I offer you a cup of coffee?
What a headline!
"Frog Bribes Reporter,
Muppets Desperate
for Publicity."
This isn't going to be easy.
Say, is it true you're
dropping a lot of stuff
from the show this year?
No, no, not particularly.
Aha. "Muppets Relying
on Same Old Tired Junk."
Wait, wait, on the other hand,
we have a lot of
brand-new, innovative stuff.
"Muppets Changing Format,
Desperate to Sustain Show."
I never knew the press
could be so depressing.
Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed
to be introducing George Burns?
Oh, yeah. Excuse me.
- What a headline
that would make.
- What?
"Gonzo Fiddles
While George Burns."
That joke is definitely
making a comeback.
It's a very special night on
The Muppet Show because
with us is one of
the men of comedy
who can really
be called special.
Here he is with a cigar and
a song, Mr. George Burns.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much,
and I'm delighted to be here.
I'm really glad you
could make it, George.
It's a real honor for me to
be playing piano for you.
Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't
worked with a dog for years.
You've actually
worked with a dog?
Oh, sure, back in vaudeville.
In those days dog
acts were very popular.
So I picked up a
dog off the street
and went to the
theater to do my act.
I walked out on stage
with the dog under my arm,
stood there and sang my songs.
In the middle of my third
song, the dog did his act.
Twice.
He bit me, the dog bit me right
in the middle of my top note.
And to make matters worse,
the theater manager came back,
canceled me and hired the dog.
I hope you won't hold
that against us dogs.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs,
especially if they
can play in my key.
Oh, listen, I can
play in any key.
I'm another Jascha Heifetz.
Jascha Heifetz
played the violin.
Nobody will know
the difference, George.
OK, Rowlf, in my
key, Train Back Home.
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, Rowlf.
You're liable to hurt yourself.
Play like you're not
getting paid. Nice and easy.
- Nice and easy it is.
- Right from the top.
Right.
Isn't that a nice song?
Hey, that George
Burns is a great singer.
Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.
- What?
- Sure, you wanna hear me sing?
- Only if you sing tenor.
- Tenor?
Ten or 11 miles away.
How should I know what
"cuanto le gusta" means?
Hiya, chickie baby.
Watch it, buster.
I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The
Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.
And what can your
chickie baby do for you?
Well, I wanted to talk to you.
You want to interview me? Ah!
- Well, not exactly.
- Oh, what do you want?
- Dirt.
- What?
You know, scandal,
the hot skinny.
What really goes on
behind the scenes.
I couldn't do that.
There is such a thing as
loyalty to one's fellow performers.
Too bad.
I also wanted to do a
picture spread of you.
Something for Page Three.
Well, first of all...
just the other day...
Hey, wait a second. Hey,
Scribbler. Those are all lies.
- Hey, hey, hey - Whoa, hey, hey
Excuse me, Mr. Burns.
I wanted to warn you about
this reporter that's backstage.
He writes a gossip column.
As long as he doesn't
write the obituary column,
I'm not worried.
But he writes for
The Daily Scandal
and he'll do anything
for sensationalism.
Pay no attention to him,
Burns. He's only a frog.
Thanks.
Look, I'll get right
to the point, Burns.
How much are they
paying you on this show?
- Hey, now, now, wait a second.
- Let me handle this, Kermit.
They're paying me $250,000.
- Ah, come on, is that a lie?
- One of my best.
For years you were
a vaudeville actor
and now you've made two films.
Is it difficult to be an actor.
No, I think it's very
easy to be an actor.
If you're doing a scene where
a man tells you to sit down,
if you sit down,
that's good acting.
If he tells you to sit down
and you keep standing up,
that's bad acting.
I always sit down,
I'm a good actor.
I've been around so
long that if I can sit down
and get paid for doing it,
I'm in the right business.
That's the end of the
interview. Goodbye, kid.
- You really took care of him.
- Thanks, Kermit.
How many cigars
do you smoke a day?
About 20 a day.
At my age, I got to
hold on to something.
And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob, are you ready
for your next patient?
Next patient? What
happened to the last one?
- He left for a better doctor.
- Which doctor?
That's right. Witch doctor!
Witch doctor!
- Here it is, Dr. Bob.
- Hmm?
It's a telephone. What's wrong?
It isn't working.
Isn't working? Well, tell it
to get a job so it can pay me.
- Maybe it's a pay phone.
- A pay phone!
Wow!
Dr. Bob, do you know anything
about repairing telephones?
- I can look it up in the book.
- The medical book?
No, the telephone book.
- What do you think, Dr. Bob?
- It must be jaundice.
How do you know?
Look at all these yellow pages.
Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob, do you think
the telephone
needs an anesthetic.
- Well, if so, make it a local.
- Why?
Because long distance
costs too much.
Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy,
don't you have the next line?
- Yes, but I can't say it.
- How come?
The line's busy.
- Dr. Bob?
- Hm?
Dr. Bob, wow, are you
ever going to operate?
- No, but I know who will.
- Who?
The telephone operator.
And so, once again,
Dr. Bob is off the hook.
You talking to me?
Tune in next week
when you'll hear
Nurse Piggy say:
Does the phone
remind you of anything?
Well, it does ring a bell.
Watch the hands!
Watch the feet! Watch
your wallet! Here we go.
Everybody!
Excuse me, Mr. Burns,
remember me? I'm Gonzo.
Oh, one of the Marx Brothers,
Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.
No, no, no, no, I'm the Great
Gonzo. I'm in show business too.
Well, how did you get
a name like Gonzo?
- My mother gave it to me.
- Your mother.
Yeah. She died two
years before I was born.
If she died two years
before you were born,
how could she
give you that name?
- She left a note to my father.
- A note to your father,
I thought so.
Coming from you
that sounds believable.
Look, I hope you don't mind
me coming in here like this,
but I know you
love show business,
and those stories
about the early days
are really interesting.
- Some of them are pretty dull.
- How can you say that?
I haven't even told you
any of my stories yet.
Oh, yours? I
thought you meant...
I remember my first act.
I worked with a kangaroo
who could tell time.
A kangaroo who could tell time?
Yeah. It was a trick. He kept
a pocket watch in his pouch.
If you've got a pouch,
that's the place to keep it.
Yeah, but he was always wrong.
He kept his watch
on Australia time.
Makes sense.
Not really. He's never
been to Australia.
Well, that makes sense
too. Where did he come from?
Sydney.
I thought you said he'd
never been to Australia.
Sydney's his agent.
- Has he got
an office in Pittsburgh.
- Yeah.
Used to handle me. You
know something, Gonzo?
You sound a lot like
somebody I used to work with.
- Really? That's a compliment.
- Mm-hm.
You know... you
know who that is?
Sure, Walter Matthau.
Yeah, that's her.
I must be getting old. I
think I enjoyed talking to him.
Kermie, Kermie, won't
you dance with me? Kermie!
Oh, yeah?
- Bravo, Bravo!
- Why are you yelling bravo?
Did you like it that much?
No. A friend of mine, Joe
Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.
- Bravo, Bravo, up here!
- Up here!
This is a recorded
analytic program readout.
We will start with the
upper right of the module.
You will note
the longitudinally
polarized antenna.
This component is
virtually indestructible
and is guaranteed
for the life of the unit.
There is an alarm system
which is activated
if any portion of the
machine is damaged.
Adjacent to the alarm is
the digital iambic generator.
This unit is pressurized with
large amounts of methane gas.
On the top of the
inter-cellular power generator
you will see a spherical
voltage oblongata.
It should be noted
that this unit alone
is worth over $17,000.
By way of contrast, the
Doppler sublimated magneto
located on the
front of the generator
can be purchased
in any hardware store
for about 37 cents.
The intercellular power
structure and generator itself
is filled with a series
of Manxome coils
attenuated dicotyledonously.
In this same circuit there
is an intaglio of numismatic
krypton wavelengths
which abrogates
the hydromatic mome raths
at the rate of five ventrical
icons per micro cantabile.
The electromagnetic console...
In conclusion, nothing
can keep this machine
from performing
its primary function
which is to be the most powerful
exploding device known to man.
Disgusting. Ever
see eating like that?
- Sure.
- Where?
Thanksgiving dinner
with my in-laws.
Hey, Kermit, do you
know about the reporter
who's snooping around here?
Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.
He asked me to tell him
all about the scandals
and behind-the-scenes dirt.
Oh, I know, it's just awful.
- It was. I didn't
know where to begin.
- What?
Well, I mean, I could
have talked for hours.
I don't want to hear about it.
Now he's talking to
the Swedish Chef.
Well, he can't get any
information from him.
On the other hand...
Ladies and
gentlemen, once again,
the one and only
Mr. George Burns.
What do you say, George, would
you do one more song for us?
You don't think I came
over here just to do one song.
Mr. Burns, oh, I've been
a fan of yours for years.
Would you sing a
song just for moi?
I could never say no to a lady.
Well, you don't
have to worry then.
It's only Miss Piggy.
Cool it, flea bait.
Now, where were we?
I was about to
say yes to a lady.
Thank you, Mr. Burns.
Let's get the group out
because this song needs
all the help I can get.
Out here, everybody.
- Now, Rowlf, in my key.
- All right.
- I want you all to follow me.
- Yes, sir.
That's nice.
Hold that note. I'll
find another song.
Oh, I got it.
That's nice. Let's...
let's... let's do that again.
It's been another busy show
and here we are now at
the place where it stops.
And so let's give
a warm thank you
to our special guest
star, Mr. George Burns!
Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true
that you and Miss Piggy
were seen at a discotheque?
Good night, Fleet.
OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
- How do they do it?
- How do we watch it?
- Why do we watch it?
- Why do you watch it?