The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 11 - Dom DeLuise - full transcript
Miss Piggy comes up with various schemes to impress Kermit.
Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise!
Eighteen seconds to
curtain, Mr DeLuise,
It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Dom DeLuise!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Why do we keep doing this?
It's time to get things
started on the most sensational
Inspirational, celebrational
Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show
OK, Thank you, thank you, thank
you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.
Tonight should be great
because our speciaI guest star
is one of the really
funny men, Mr Dom DeLuise!
But first, we're going to open
the show with our own lady of song,
Miss Piggy,
because if we don't
she'll break both my arms,
So here she is now, Miss Piggy!
It's a great old song,
All right, everybody,
now's your chance,
Join in the second chorus,
I'm only singing one!
Promises, promises!
Miss Piggy!
- Bravo! Bravo!
Boy, they really
love her, don't they?
Yeah, Must be an easy house,
Oh, no, please, Oh, you're too kind,
Kissy, kissy,
- Forget it, Kermit's gone,
Did it work?
- Nope,
But how about that audience
I paid off for you, huh?
They did just what I told them to,
- What did you tell them?
To go hog wild,
Scooter, I am paying you to
give me help, not cheap jokes,
Well, I already ordered the flowers,
WonderfuI,
Scooter, oh, Scooter, my
dear impressionable young lad,
You must understand
that I am only doing this in order
for the frog to notice me more,
Sure, sure, and if you happen
to get your own spot on the show,
that wouldn't hurt,
Your life's hanging
on a thread, kid,
Yes, ma'am, I'll go write some more
spontaneous sincere fan maiI for you,
You know the words:
Gorgeous, beautifuI... modest,
OK, tonight's guest
star is Dom DeLuise
and we all know how terrific he is,
As a performer he
is out of this world,
As a matter of fact, right now
he's on the planet Koozebane,
Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!
539-77221, to the
mother ship, It's me,
Can you see me? Here I am,
Yes, The one that's waving,
That's nice, Yes, It
is so gorgeous up here,
Pluto... Saturn, I
mean, it is gorgeous,
Hold it, Hold it, I see
some coucrous, Hold on,
Oh, Jane, keep that soup
warm for me, sweetheart,
Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty,
I think I found a beauty,
Oh no, it's an immi, Never mind,
Holy Toledo! Something's afoot!
Holy mac... Wait a minute!
Hey, that's my hammer!
Hey!
Hey,
That's not me,
I got you, you deviI you,
I fooled you, didn't I?
Don't! That's a new one,
You... Hello, mother ship, Hello?
I think I'll go back
to the mother ship now,
I got ya!
Gimme! Come on! Gimme!
Wait a minute, Hold it,
My watch!
- Quarter after six,
That's it,
That's it,
Do you suppose they have
any life on other planets?
What do you care? You don't
have any life on this one,
Excuse me,
- Yeah?
May I use your dressing
room to change in?
What?
- My room is all filled with flowers,
You understand, don't
you, my dear Dominique?
Don't "My dear Dominique" me,
Oh, what's wrong?
I mean, I'm the guest
star on this show,
Nobody seems to notice, The
audience is filled with pig fans,
What a relief,
Besides, they gave me
this tiny dressing room,
They said the big dressing
room was filled with fan maiI,
Would you get the door, Dominique?
Would I get the door? I
really do not believe this,
Yes?
- Are you Miss Piggy?
No, I'm not Miss Piggy!
Are those my roses?
- Yes, They were your roses,
Someone sent
roses to a P-I-G,
That amuses you?
- Yes,
Knock it off, chubbo,
Chubbo?
Look who's talking,
Are you saying that I
am a little overweight?
Little? Did I say little?
No, I didn't say little,
You're jealous because
I got all these flowers
and all you have is that
teensy basket of fruit,
Actually, the little, teensy basket
of fruit is more suitable to you!
And why is that?
I'll tell you why...
Because...
...it looks more naturaI,
Excuse me, Miss Piggy,
hospitaI sketch coming up,
Good, Here's your first patient,
Just a minute! Hold it!
Hold it! Wait a minute!
Are you...? She's out of her mind!
I've never seen anybody so crazy!
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
The continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.
We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
Oh, thank you, Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you,
Dr Bob... Dr Bob?
- What?
Where did we get this patient from?
Oh, well, she was found
with a bunch of cows,
Not bunch, herd,
- Heard of what?
Herd of cows,
- Sure, I've heard of cows,
No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd,
- I don't care if the cow's heard,
I haven't said anything
to be ashamed of,
But Dr Bob, are you
going to operate?
No, I think we've milked
this joke long enough,
Oh, look, I have a stake
in this too, you know,
And so, Dr Bob has taken
the bull by the horns.
Tune in next time when
you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
This has really been
a moving experience,
Oh, thank you, thank you,
Bless you, Thank you, thank you...
If you ain't been dancin' lately
Don't blame your shoes
And if you ain't been happy lately
Don't put it on the blues
Don't blame the dynamite
If you can't light the fuse
There's a party all the
time for them what choose
The end of my romancing
came with football on TV
Really
Why, he ain't took
me anywhere since 1963
Her hair is in the closet
Her teeth are on the shelf
I can put the good parts in
a bag and go out by myself
If you ain't been dancing lately
Don't blame your shoes
If you ain't been happy lately
Don't put it on the blues
Don't blame the dynamite
if you can't light the fuse
There's a party all the
time for them what choose
Party!
- All right!
Don't tell me you liked that trash,
- No, my hand went to sleep,
Oh, here... here he comes,
The tuba player says,
"Never mind about that,
Just be naturaI and
borrow a lemon,"
OK, OK, OK,
Gee, Miss Piggy, what
are you going to do?
Well, I just don't know, Scooter,
My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit,
But this other show has offered
me a contract at twice the money,
Well, you are a superstar,
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are,
Yes, you are!
Well, I shall just
have to think about it,
Scooter, that performance by
you and Miss Piggy was terrible,
Gee, I didn't think it was that
bad, I missed one line but...
Oh, no,
Are you gonna tell
me what's going on?
No, I promised,
- I'll give you a raise,
The flowers are fake,
the audience was paid off,
I wrote fan letters and Miss
Piggy doesn't have another offer,
Scooter, I like your style,
Hello, hello and welcome,
As you know, Shepherd's
Institute of AnimaI Protection
has spent the last 25 years
protecting helpless, innocent animals
like the ones that
you see right here,
And now, in the midst of our
annuaI fundraising drive...
Time for that drive again,
This lovely creature has
to be fed occasionally,
Otherwise he gets very, very...
There you go, Have a
nice little snack, boy,
All better, By the way,
Shepherd's Institute
has only reached its halfway mark
in this year's fundraising effort,
One moment, please,
Mama!
This sweetheart has to be played
with, otherwise he gets irritable,
You sweetheart you, Good morning,
A little milky, a little milky,
- Milky!
It's good!
Good, OK,
As you can see, we care
for all their needs,
If an animaI has a need, we fill it,
This sweetheart of a creature
loves to be sung to occasionally,
otherwise he gets irritable,
Very nice, very nice,
All right, The point is, if you send
in your donations, you'll be very happy,
If you send in your donations,
you'll be happy... Here you go,
The point is, that if you do so,
these are all tax deductible...
No! Wait! I'm ticklish!
All right, here you go,
here you go, That's a beauty,
You see the point is, we love
them with all our hearts, We do,
Just a moment now, Open wide!
Wait a minute! Holy
mackereI! Just...
There's nothing left
to eat, Here, Have this,
By the way, all of these
creatures are up for adoption,
If you have a spare room in
your house, give us a break,
For instance, if you
adopt this guy right here,
you will never know the
meaning of the word garbage,
Just a minute, Hold it, Hold it,
Wait a minute! Oh, please!
Whoa! My goodness!
Please, help! I mean,
really, help! Help!
Kermie? Kermie, you
wanted to see me?
Yes, Miss Piggy, I
couldn't help but overhear
that conversation about that
offer you got from the other show,
Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I
didn't want you to hear that,
Oh, that terrible boy!
Yeah, well, actually,
I'm kinda glad that I did,
Because I have come to a decision
that I think will make you very happy,
I've decided to let you go,
- You've what?
You see, Piggy, I don't
want to stand in your way,
But... but, Kermie...
Good luck, kid,
Well, then I suppose
this is goodbye,
Oh, yes, Goodbye, Piggy,
Well, I'll just go clean
out my dressing room, then,
That would be very nice, Thank you,
You'II... You'll explain to
everyone what happened, Kermie?
Oh, sure,
What a ham,
Kermie, I can't leave you!
I can't leave you, I tried,
Well, does this mean
you want your job back?
Oh, good, But
incidentally, though...
...you will have to take...
you will have to take a pay cut,
What?
Well, sure, if you can afford
to pay off the audience,
and buy those flowers and
furs, and the maiI and stuff,
then I think you can...
- You knew all the time!
OK, how come is it, do you
suppose, that the world doesn't know
that Dom DeLuise is a
singer as well as a comedian?
Let us let the world find out,
Ladies and gentlemen,
here he is, Dom DeLuise!
Thank you, Thank you,
May I stop for one second?
I'll tell you the truth,
Piggy's backstage, she's very upset,
She's miserable, I'd like
to bring her out for just...
Piggy, Piggy, come over here now,
CooI it, cooI it! He knew,
Piggy, you're upset,
Things have not been going well
between you and Kermit, right?
Dom, Dom, Dom,
- Piggy, Piggy,
A woman sometimes feels so alone,
- Alone?
But you're not alone, Look at me,
You're here, I'm here, us is here,
Us is here?
I mean, we got us,
Don't you understand? Oh, I know,
Look! It's your friends!
OK, well, that's
it for another show,
Let's have a big thank you for
our guest star, Mr Dom DeLuise!
And thank you all for being with us,
especially those of you who
weren't paid off by the pig,
Stand back, Dom, This is
gonna be fractured frog time,
Don't do it, don't
do it, don't do it!
We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
I wouldn't mind the show if
they just got rid of one thing,
What's that?
- Me,
Eighteen seconds to
curtain, Mr DeLuise,
It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Dom DeLuise!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Why do we keep doing this?
It's time to get things
started on the most sensational
Inspirational, celebrational
Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show
OK, Thank you, thank you, thank
you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.
Tonight should be great
because our speciaI guest star
is one of the really
funny men, Mr Dom DeLuise!
But first, we're going to open
the show with our own lady of song,
Miss Piggy,
because if we don't
she'll break both my arms,
So here she is now, Miss Piggy!
It's a great old song,
All right, everybody,
now's your chance,
Join in the second chorus,
I'm only singing one!
Promises, promises!
Miss Piggy!
- Bravo! Bravo!
Boy, they really
love her, don't they?
Yeah, Must be an easy house,
Oh, no, please, Oh, you're too kind,
Kissy, kissy,
- Forget it, Kermit's gone,
Did it work?
- Nope,
But how about that audience
I paid off for you, huh?
They did just what I told them to,
- What did you tell them?
To go hog wild,
Scooter, I am paying you to
give me help, not cheap jokes,
Well, I already ordered the flowers,
WonderfuI,
Scooter, oh, Scooter, my
dear impressionable young lad,
You must understand
that I am only doing this in order
for the frog to notice me more,
Sure, sure, and if you happen
to get your own spot on the show,
that wouldn't hurt,
Your life's hanging
on a thread, kid,
Yes, ma'am, I'll go write some more
spontaneous sincere fan maiI for you,
You know the words:
Gorgeous, beautifuI... modest,
OK, tonight's guest
star is Dom DeLuise
and we all know how terrific he is,
As a performer he
is out of this world,
As a matter of fact, right now
he's on the planet Koozebane,
Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!
539-77221, to the
mother ship, It's me,
Can you see me? Here I am,
Yes, The one that's waving,
That's nice, Yes, It
is so gorgeous up here,
Pluto... Saturn, I
mean, it is gorgeous,
Hold it, Hold it, I see
some coucrous, Hold on,
Oh, Jane, keep that soup
warm for me, sweetheart,
Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty,
I think I found a beauty,
Oh no, it's an immi, Never mind,
Holy Toledo! Something's afoot!
Holy mac... Wait a minute!
Hey, that's my hammer!
Hey!
Hey,
That's not me,
I got you, you deviI you,
I fooled you, didn't I?
Don't! That's a new one,
You... Hello, mother ship, Hello?
I think I'll go back
to the mother ship now,
I got ya!
Gimme! Come on! Gimme!
Wait a minute, Hold it,
My watch!
- Quarter after six,
That's it,
That's it,
Do you suppose they have
any life on other planets?
What do you care? You don't
have any life on this one,
Excuse me,
- Yeah?
May I use your dressing
room to change in?
What?
- My room is all filled with flowers,
You understand, don't
you, my dear Dominique?
Don't "My dear Dominique" me,
Oh, what's wrong?
I mean, I'm the guest
star on this show,
Nobody seems to notice, The
audience is filled with pig fans,
What a relief,
Besides, they gave me
this tiny dressing room,
They said the big dressing
room was filled with fan maiI,
Would you get the door, Dominique?
Would I get the door? I
really do not believe this,
Yes?
- Are you Miss Piggy?
No, I'm not Miss Piggy!
Are those my roses?
- Yes, They were your roses,
Someone sent
roses to a P-I-G,
That amuses you?
- Yes,
Knock it off, chubbo,
Chubbo?
Look who's talking,
Are you saying that I
am a little overweight?
Little? Did I say little?
No, I didn't say little,
You're jealous because
I got all these flowers
and all you have is that
teensy basket of fruit,
Actually, the little, teensy basket
of fruit is more suitable to you!
And why is that?
I'll tell you why...
Because...
...it looks more naturaI,
Excuse me, Miss Piggy,
hospitaI sketch coming up,
Good, Here's your first patient,
Just a minute! Hold it!
Hold it! Wait a minute!
Are you...? She's out of her mind!
I've never seen anybody so crazy!
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
The continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.
We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
Oh, thank you, Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you,
Dr Bob... Dr Bob?
- What?
Where did we get this patient from?
Oh, well, she was found
with a bunch of cows,
Not bunch, herd,
- Heard of what?
Herd of cows,
- Sure, I've heard of cows,
No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd,
- I don't care if the cow's heard,
I haven't said anything
to be ashamed of,
But Dr Bob, are you
going to operate?
No, I think we've milked
this joke long enough,
Oh, look, I have a stake
in this too, you know,
And so, Dr Bob has taken
the bull by the horns.
Tune in next time when
you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
This has really been
a moving experience,
Oh, thank you, thank you,
Bless you, Thank you, thank you...
If you ain't been dancin' lately
Don't blame your shoes
And if you ain't been happy lately
Don't put it on the blues
Don't blame the dynamite
If you can't light the fuse
There's a party all the
time for them what choose
The end of my romancing
came with football on TV
Really
Why, he ain't took
me anywhere since 1963
Her hair is in the closet
Her teeth are on the shelf
I can put the good parts in
a bag and go out by myself
If you ain't been dancing lately
Don't blame your shoes
If you ain't been happy lately
Don't put it on the blues
Don't blame the dynamite
if you can't light the fuse
There's a party all the
time for them what choose
Party!
- All right!
Don't tell me you liked that trash,
- No, my hand went to sleep,
Oh, here... here he comes,
The tuba player says,
"Never mind about that,
Just be naturaI and
borrow a lemon,"
OK, OK, OK,
Gee, Miss Piggy, what
are you going to do?
Well, I just don't know, Scooter,
My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit,
But this other show has offered
me a contract at twice the money,
Well, you are a superstar,
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are,
Yes, you are!
Well, I shall just
have to think about it,
Scooter, that performance by
you and Miss Piggy was terrible,
Gee, I didn't think it was that
bad, I missed one line but...
Oh, no,
Are you gonna tell
me what's going on?
No, I promised,
- I'll give you a raise,
The flowers are fake,
the audience was paid off,
I wrote fan letters and Miss
Piggy doesn't have another offer,
Scooter, I like your style,
Hello, hello and welcome,
As you know, Shepherd's
Institute of AnimaI Protection
has spent the last 25 years
protecting helpless, innocent animals
like the ones that
you see right here,
And now, in the midst of our
annuaI fundraising drive...
Time for that drive again,
This lovely creature has
to be fed occasionally,
Otherwise he gets very, very...
There you go, Have a
nice little snack, boy,
All better, By the way,
Shepherd's Institute
has only reached its halfway mark
in this year's fundraising effort,
One moment, please,
Mama!
This sweetheart has to be played
with, otherwise he gets irritable,
You sweetheart you, Good morning,
A little milky, a little milky,
- Milky!
It's good!
Good, OK,
As you can see, we care
for all their needs,
If an animaI has a need, we fill it,
This sweetheart of a creature
loves to be sung to occasionally,
otherwise he gets irritable,
Very nice, very nice,
All right, The point is, if you send
in your donations, you'll be very happy,
If you send in your donations,
you'll be happy... Here you go,
The point is, that if you do so,
these are all tax deductible...
No! Wait! I'm ticklish!
All right, here you go,
here you go, That's a beauty,
You see the point is, we love
them with all our hearts, We do,
Just a moment now, Open wide!
Wait a minute! Holy
mackereI! Just...
There's nothing left
to eat, Here, Have this,
By the way, all of these
creatures are up for adoption,
If you have a spare room in
your house, give us a break,
For instance, if you
adopt this guy right here,
you will never know the
meaning of the word garbage,
Just a minute, Hold it, Hold it,
Wait a minute! Oh, please!
Whoa! My goodness!
Please, help! I mean,
really, help! Help!
Kermie? Kermie, you
wanted to see me?
Yes, Miss Piggy, I
couldn't help but overhear
that conversation about that
offer you got from the other show,
Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I
didn't want you to hear that,
Oh, that terrible boy!
Yeah, well, actually,
I'm kinda glad that I did,
Because I have come to a decision
that I think will make you very happy,
I've decided to let you go,
- You've what?
You see, Piggy, I don't
want to stand in your way,
But... but, Kermie...
Good luck, kid,
Well, then I suppose
this is goodbye,
Oh, yes, Goodbye, Piggy,
Well, I'll just go clean
out my dressing room, then,
That would be very nice, Thank you,
You'II... You'll explain to
everyone what happened, Kermie?
Oh, sure,
What a ham,
Kermie, I can't leave you!
I can't leave you, I tried,
Well, does this mean
you want your job back?
Oh, good, But
incidentally, though...
...you will have to take...
you will have to take a pay cut,
What?
Well, sure, if you can afford
to pay off the audience,
and buy those flowers and
furs, and the maiI and stuff,
then I think you can...
- You knew all the time!
OK, how come is it, do you
suppose, that the world doesn't know
that Dom DeLuise is a
singer as well as a comedian?
Let us let the world find out,
Ladies and gentlemen,
here he is, Dom DeLuise!
Thank you, Thank you,
May I stop for one second?
I'll tell you the truth,
Piggy's backstage, she's very upset,
She's miserable, I'd like
to bring her out for just...
Piggy, Piggy, come over here now,
CooI it, cooI it! He knew,
Piggy, you're upset,
Things have not been going well
between you and Kermit, right?
Dom, Dom, Dom,
- Piggy, Piggy,
A woman sometimes feels so alone,
- Alone?
But you're not alone, Look at me,
You're here, I'm here, us is here,
Us is here?
I mean, we got us,
Don't you understand? Oh, I know,
Look! It's your friends!
OK, well, that's
it for another show,
Let's have a big thank you for
our guest star, Mr Dom DeLuise!
And thank you all for being with us,
especially those of you who
weren't paid off by the pig,
Stand back, Dom, This is
gonna be fractured frog time,
Don't do it, don't
do it, don't do it!
We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
I wouldn't mind the show if
they just got rid of one thing,
What's that?
- Me,