The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 12 - Bernadette Peters - full transcript
Bernadette Peters, Oh, 1 5
seconds to curtain, Miss Peters,
Thanks, Scooter, and thank the
Swedish Chef for sending in this
lovely chicken sandwich,
Suddenly I'm not hungry,
It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI
guest star Miss Bernadette Peters,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet The Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
No, please, don't make me watch it,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational
Inspirational, celebrational
Muppetational This is what we call
The Muppet Show
OK, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Right, and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
We have a wonderfuI show, Our guest star
is one of the all time multitalented,
beautifuI ladies of the
world, Miss Bernadette Peters,
OK, but first of all we've got an
opening number which features me,
I do sing and dance, so you'll know
I'm not just another pretty face,
Kermie, my love?
About the opening, It is a duet,
- That's true,
I wish you'd told me earlier, I
don't have time to learn the Iyrics,
Oh, that's OK, I'm doing
it with Miss Mousie,
Miss Mousie?
Miss Mousie!
Boo! Hiss! Terrible, I hated it,
- Boo!
Really? I kind of liked it,
Well, the pig doesn't
have you in a hammerlock,
Boo! Hiss! Boo!
- Boo,
Let's see if I've got it right now,
Uncle Kermit, despite my small
size and diminutive stature...
OK, Listen, big monsters on stage
for the Bernadette Peters' number,
Come on, you guys, Move it, Move
it, Come on, Move it, Move it,
Look out, you almost stepped on me,
Come on, you can't go on
stage looking like that,
You gotta brush your hair,
Bernadette Peters is a big
star, You gotta clean up,
Come on, we don't have much time,
Nobody ever notices me,
Uncle Kermit, despite my small
size and diminutive stature...
The number is about
to start, Get on stage,
...and I want a feature
part in the show,
Rats,
And now, one of the loveliest
ladies in all of show business,
Kermie, you're not bringing
that Miss Mousie back, are you?
This is our guest
star Bernadette Peters,
You're not singing
with her, are you?
She's working with some of
our big, ugly, shaggy beasts,
Sounds like Miss Mousie,
- Will you get out of here!
Ladies and gentlemen, the
beautifuI Miss Bernadette Peters,
Wow, wonderfuI, wonderfuI, That
Bernadette Peters is terrific,
I reserve judgment,
- Till when?
Till the pig tells me what to say,
Bernadette Peters you can like,
- I loved her, I loved her!
It's the mouse you gotta hate,
I hated her,
- Terrible mouse,
Boo!
- Boo!
Gee, I'm so small, they don't
even see me most of the time,
And then when they do, they don't
think I can do anything right,
Well, I'll show 'em,
I'm running away,
The next time they turn around
and don't see me, I'll be gone,
Then they'll see I
can do something right,
Rats,
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
the continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Testing, one, two, three,
Over here, Dr Bob,
Here's your next patient,
This is just a shoe, What
happened to the rest of him?
Maybe he got cold feet,
Now, let's see what's wrong with him,
It's an eight and a half triple D,
Eight and a half triple D?
- That's about the size of it,
Dr Bob, what are you
going to start on?
The shoe string, A lot of
people start on a shoestring,
What do you think, Dr Bob?
- Simple, It's arsenic poisoning,
Arsenic?
- Sure, just look at this old lace,
Arsenic and Old Lace.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob, that's an old show,
That's an old shoe,
- Well, that's an old joke,
Oh, Dr Bob, aren't you
going to examine the patient?
Yes, Hey, shoe, stick out
your tongue and say "ah",
Dr Bob, the tongue has a coat on it,
Of course, it's cold outside,
- How do you know?
Dr Bob, You're not going
to sing a song now, are you?
Why not? There's no
business like shoe-business,
So, once again, Dr Bob is
barking up the wrong shoe tree.
Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse
Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr Bob sing...
What, now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I, Sam the Eagle,
will now read a fable,
which should serve as a
moraI lesson to us all,
"Once upon a time, there
was an ant and a grasshopper,
It was warm and sunny
where they lived,
But the ant worked day and
night, from dawn to dusk,
storing food for the long, hard
winter he knew would come,"
ToiI and labour, work and strife,
are all that matter in this life,
Oh, the ant is a
wonderfuI character,
"But meanwhile, the lazy,
pleasure-loving grasshopper
sang and danced with
appalling abandon,"
Winter will fall and snow will come,
but now it's time to have some fun,
Shocking, shocking,
"And eventually, just as
expected, winter came,"
Very nice,
And then it was, dear listeners...
"The grasshopper drove his sports car
to Florida and the ant got stepped on,"
What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
That was not in the script,
Someone changed it,
We'll have to do it again,
The grasshopper drove to Florida,
- The ant got stepped on,
Will you stop that?
Why are they picking on us tonight?
Hello, Miss Peters,
Oh, hello, Robin, I didn't see you,
Most people don't,
Listen, I'm running away from home,
but I did want to stop and say goodbye,
Oh, you running away
from home? How come?
Oh, because nobody
notices me around here,
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed,
See? I mean, no one cares
about a six-ounce frog,
Robin, you've got to
believe in yourself,
If just one person believes in you,
deep enough and strong
enough, believes in you...
OK, Is he all right? Good, OK,
Hi, Uncle Kermit,
- Hi, Robin,
Hey, I feeI just great
after talking to Bernadette,
Good,
- Can I do a song on the show tonight?
Funny you should mention it, Robin,
I was thinking the same thing,
Oh, boy, Look, the way I see it,
the curtain opens and I'm
standing there in a spotlight,
The music swells and I sing...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
They Call the Wind Maria?
Great, huh?
- Robin, that's ridiculous,
No, listen, I have a cute little song
here that's fitting to a frog your age,
It's called I'm Five.
It's called cute and
yucky, I don't wanna do it,
OK, Forget it,
Oh, hey, Is that any
way to treat a performer?
I'm gonna get an agent,
I'm gonna get a lawyer,
I'm gonna get your father,
I'm gonna get right out and
learn this cute little song,
I thought he'd see it my way,
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,
Dr Bunsen Honeydew here
with news to set you aquiver,
Beaker, Beaker, dear
lad, come over here,
Oh, Beaker, you forgot the
beaker, Now get the beaker, Beaker,
Go on,
You are about to see the first
sample ever isolated of Bunsonium,
contained in this
self-same beaker here,
So far we have found
no use for Bunsonium,
We already know that it does not
remove paint, it isn't a good glue,
and when used as a shampoo, it produces
unusuaI side effects, Right, Beaker?
Today we begin an experiment to see what
Bunsonium does when taken internally,
My assistant Beaker here
will now drink the Bunsonium,
That's all right,
There, there, Beaker,
Take a teensy little sip at first
and remember not to get carried
away and gulp the whole thing,
Go ahead, It's all right, Go on,
Good, And now, in
just a few moments,
we shall know exactly
what Bunsonium does,
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does,
Come, Beaker, let's go find a
bicycle pump and pump you back up,
Well, it's introduction time,
So here he is, my own cute little
nephew, Robin, singing I'm Five.
And now for my next number:
Here's a Muppet newsflash,
Dateline The Muppet Show.
It has been reported that a large heavy
object was dropped from the ceiling,
Further developments will...
OK, and now let's go down
home for a little singin',
a little banjo pickin'
and a little Applejack
with the lovely Miss
Bernadette Peters,
OK, Well, we did the
beginning part of the show,
and then the middle part, so
this has to be the end part,
So let us have a thank you to our very
speciaI guest, Miss Bernadette Peters,
Thank you, Kermit, You
know, it's really been fun,
But I especially want to
thank Mr Big, Robin the Frog,
Gee, Bernadette, Thanks a lot,
Hey, I really had a great time,
Hey, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.
OK?
- He's OK,
What'd you think of Miss Mousie?
I loved her,
- Me too,
What?
- No, we didn't!
Thank you,
seconds to curtain, Miss Peters,
Thanks, Scooter, and thank the
Swedish Chef for sending in this
lovely chicken sandwich,
Suddenly I'm not hungry,
It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI
guest star Miss Bernadette Peters,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet The Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
No, please, don't make me watch it,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational
Inspirational, celebrational
Muppetational This is what we call
The Muppet Show
OK, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Right, and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
We have a wonderfuI show, Our guest star
is one of the all time multitalented,
beautifuI ladies of the
world, Miss Bernadette Peters,
OK, but first of all we've got an
opening number which features me,
I do sing and dance, so you'll know
I'm not just another pretty face,
Kermie, my love?
About the opening, It is a duet,
- That's true,
I wish you'd told me earlier, I
don't have time to learn the Iyrics,
Oh, that's OK, I'm doing
it with Miss Mousie,
Miss Mousie?
Miss Mousie!
Boo! Hiss! Terrible, I hated it,
- Boo!
Really? I kind of liked it,
Well, the pig doesn't
have you in a hammerlock,
Boo! Hiss! Boo!
- Boo,
Let's see if I've got it right now,
Uncle Kermit, despite my small
size and diminutive stature...
OK, Listen, big monsters on stage
for the Bernadette Peters' number,
Come on, you guys, Move it, Move
it, Come on, Move it, Move it,
Look out, you almost stepped on me,
Come on, you can't go on
stage looking like that,
You gotta brush your hair,
Bernadette Peters is a big
star, You gotta clean up,
Come on, we don't have much time,
Nobody ever notices me,
Uncle Kermit, despite my small
size and diminutive stature...
The number is about
to start, Get on stage,
...and I want a feature
part in the show,
Rats,
And now, one of the loveliest
ladies in all of show business,
Kermie, you're not bringing
that Miss Mousie back, are you?
This is our guest
star Bernadette Peters,
You're not singing
with her, are you?
She's working with some of
our big, ugly, shaggy beasts,
Sounds like Miss Mousie,
- Will you get out of here!
Ladies and gentlemen, the
beautifuI Miss Bernadette Peters,
Wow, wonderfuI, wonderfuI, That
Bernadette Peters is terrific,
I reserve judgment,
- Till when?
Till the pig tells me what to say,
Bernadette Peters you can like,
- I loved her, I loved her!
It's the mouse you gotta hate,
I hated her,
- Terrible mouse,
Boo!
- Boo!
Gee, I'm so small, they don't
even see me most of the time,
And then when they do, they don't
think I can do anything right,
Well, I'll show 'em,
I'm running away,
The next time they turn around
and don't see me, I'll be gone,
Then they'll see I
can do something right,
Rats,
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
the continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Testing, one, two, three,
Over here, Dr Bob,
Here's your next patient,
This is just a shoe, What
happened to the rest of him?
Maybe he got cold feet,
Now, let's see what's wrong with him,
It's an eight and a half triple D,
Eight and a half triple D?
- That's about the size of it,
Dr Bob, what are you
going to start on?
The shoe string, A lot of
people start on a shoestring,
What do you think, Dr Bob?
- Simple, It's arsenic poisoning,
Arsenic?
- Sure, just look at this old lace,
Arsenic and Old Lace.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob, that's an old show,
That's an old shoe,
- Well, that's an old joke,
Oh, Dr Bob, aren't you
going to examine the patient?
Yes, Hey, shoe, stick out
your tongue and say "ah",
Dr Bob, the tongue has a coat on it,
Of course, it's cold outside,
- How do you know?
Dr Bob, You're not going
to sing a song now, are you?
Why not? There's no
business like shoe-business,
So, once again, Dr Bob is
barking up the wrong shoe tree.
Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse
Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr Bob sing...
What, now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I, Sam the Eagle,
will now read a fable,
which should serve as a
moraI lesson to us all,
"Once upon a time, there
was an ant and a grasshopper,
It was warm and sunny
where they lived,
But the ant worked day and
night, from dawn to dusk,
storing food for the long, hard
winter he knew would come,"
ToiI and labour, work and strife,
are all that matter in this life,
Oh, the ant is a
wonderfuI character,
"But meanwhile, the lazy,
pleasure-loving grasshopper
sang and danced with
appalling abandon,"
Winter will fall and snow will come,
but now it's time to have some fun,
Shocking, shocking,
"And eventually, just as
expected, winter came,"
Very nice,
And then it was, dear listeners...
"The grasshopper drove his sports car
to Florida and the ant got stepped on,"
What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
That was not in the script,
Someone changed it,
We'll have to do it again,
The grasshopper drove to Florida,
- The ant got stepped on,
Will you stop that?
Why are they picking on us tonight?
Hello, Miss Peters,
Oh, hello, Robin, I didn't see you,
Most people don't,
Listen, I'm running away from home,
but I did want to stop and say goodbye,
Oh, you running away
from home? How come?
Oh, because nobody
notices me around here,
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed,
See? I mean, no one cares
about a six-ounce frog,
Robin, you've got to
believe in yourself,
If just one person believes in you,
deep enough and strong
enough, believes in you...
OK, Is he all right? Good, OK,
Hi, Uncle Kermit,
- Hi, Robin,
Hey, I feeI just great
after talking to Bernadette,
Good,
- Can I do a song on the show tonight?
Funny you should mention it, Robin,
I was thinking the same thing,
Oh, boy, Look, the way I see it,
the curtain opens and I'm
standing there in a spotlight,
The music swells and I sing...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
They Call the Wind Maria?
Great, huh?
- Robin, that's ridiculous,
No, listen, I have a cute little song
here that's fitting to a frog your age,
It's called I'm Five.
It's called cute and
yucky, I don't wanna do it,
OK, Forget it,
Oh, hey, Is that any
way to treat a performer?
I'm gonna get an agent,
I'm gonna get a lawyer,
I'm gonna get your father,
I'm gonna get right out and
learn this cute little song,
I thought he'd see it my way,
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,
Dr Bunsen Honeydew here
with news to set you aquiver,
Beaker, Beaker, dear
lad, come over here,
Oh, Beaker, you forgot the
beaker, Now get the beaker, Beaker,
Go on,
You are about to see the first
sample ever isolated of Bunsonium,
contained in this
self-same beaker here,
So far we have found
no use for Bunsonium,
We already know that it does not
remove paint, it isn't a good glue,
and when used as a shampoo, it produces
unusuaI side effects, Right, Beaker?
Today we begin an experiment to see what
Bunsonium does when taken internally,
My assistant Beaker here
will now drink the Bunsonium,
That's all right,
There, there, Beaker,
Take a teensy little sip at first
and remember not to get carried
away and gulp the whole thing,
Go ahead, It's all right, Go on,
Good, And now, in
just a few moments,
we shall know exactly
what Bunsonium does,
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does,
Come, Beaker, let's go find a
bicycle pump and pump you back up,
Well, it's introduction time,
So here he is, my own cute little
nephew, Robin, singing I'm Five.
And now for my next number:
Here's a Muppet newsflash,
Dateline The Muppet Show.
It has been reported that a large heavy
object was dropped from the ceiling,
Further developments will...
OK, and now let's go down
home for a little singin',
a little banjo pickin'
and a little Applejack
with the lovely Miss
Bernadette Peters,
OK, Well, we did the
beginning part of the show,
and then the middle part, so
this has to be the end part,
So let us have a thank you to our very
speciaI guest, Miss Bernadette Peters,
Thank you, Kermit, You
know, it's really been fun,
But I especially want to
thank Mr Big, Robin the Frog,
Gee, Bernadette, Thanks a lot,
Hey, I really had a great time,
Hey, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.
OK?
- He's OK,
What'd you think of Miss Mousie?
I loved her,
- Me too,
What?
- No, we didn't!
Thank you,