The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 13 - Rudolf Nureyev - full transcript

Rudolph Nureyev? Rudolph Nureyev?

Fifteen seconds, Mr Nureyev?

I knew he was too smart to show up,

It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star, Mr Rudolph Nureyev,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

It's time to get things started

On the most sensational,
Inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational



This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

Boy, Sam really has this place
looking good for Rudolph Nureyev,

Yeah, I don't mind that so much,

but me and Robin are mad we have
to wear these formaI clothes,

You and Robin? Where's Robin?
- Oh, right here,

It's the only hat I could find,

Atten-hut!

Beg pardon?
- Line up for inspection,

Inspection?
- We must look proper for Mr Nureyev,

At last, to have a man of dignity,

a man of culture on
this weird, sick program,

Did you wash your flippers?
- Yes, sir,

Let's have a look,

Will you please get off the floor?



Will you comb your hair
and polish those shoes?

Yes, sir, Yes, sir,

And one more thing:
your hat's too big,

Sam, can I introduce the show?

Of course, but just
do it with dignity,

Yes, yes,

To have the brilliant, talented
Rudolph Nureyev on our show!

He's my favourite opera singer,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hi there and welcome
to The Muppet Show!

You call that dignity?

I'm sorry, Sam,

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is indeed an honour...

Good,
- ... to welcome you to The Muppet Show.

Tonight's guest star is one of the
world's great masters of the ballet,

Mr Rudolph Nureyev,

Wait, Are you sure
it's ballet, not opera?

Positive,

Six of one, half dozen of the
other, Culture is culture, Go ahead,

But here to get things started
is Dr Teeth and the Electric...

Not Dr Teeth!

Sam, I know I promised you a very
culturaI show, but don't worry,

They're playing a minuet, and they
have promised to be very classy,

May I have that in writing?

Just get off,

Hey, Hey, what's this
bummer called again?

Minuet in G Major.

They ought to send
it back to the minors,

If I knew we were gonna do this,

I'd have just stayed
home and sent in my suit,

AnimaI's not gonna make it,

He's gonna freak,

If he goes, I go with him,

It's a breakout!

You know, the older I get, the
more I appreciate good music,

Yeah? What's that got to
do with what we just heard?

Nothing, just thought
I'd mention it,

Not very culturaI,
guys, Not very culturaI,

That was degrading! That was awfuI,

Mr Nureyev must be shocked!
- Well, I doubt it,

Well, of course he
is, He is sensitive,

he is creative, he is artistic,

He is not here,
- What?

No, it's OK, He phoned in,
he's running a little bit late,

Thank goodness,

Now, remember, when
Mr Nureyev arrives,

we must be dignified,
we must be respectfuI,

Hi, you guys,

I'm here,

Not for long, you are not,
We are waiting for Mr Nureyev,

Hey...
- I'll handle this,

Get out of here, you freak,
You hippie! You weirdo, get out!

Move, move! Get a haircut!

Who do these punk
kids think they are?

That one thinks
he's Rudolph Nureyev,

What?
- That was Rudolph Nureyev,

What have I done?

I think I'll go out and
introduce something culturaI,

Now in keeping with our tone
of culture and classicism,

and to kill time while we see
if we still have a guest star,

we proudly present the love duet

from the third act of The
Barber of Die Fliedremaus.

By Giusseppe Vagner...

...or Giusseppe Wagner,

Whatever,

You,

I hope Mr Nureyev didn't see that,

You know, there's
nothing like grand opera,

Yep, and that was nothing like it!

Mr Nureyev, will
you ever forgive me?

He forgives you, Sam,

What?
- I just talked to him,

He isn't angry, he's putting on his
costume for his big ballet number,

Bless you, frog,

Oh, thank you for
these glad tidings,

And what ballet, may I ask,

is the incomparable Mr
Nureyev going to perform?

Swine Lake.

Culture, yes, culture,
Dignity at last,

Swine Lake?!

Ladies and gentlemen, in the
classic ballet Swine Lake,

a beautifuI princess has
been turned into a pig

by the wicked magician, Trichinosis,

Unfortunately, the handsome prince,
there's a handsome prince, too,

the handsome prince hasn't
heard about the change,

Here, then, the very
princely, Mr Rudolph Nureyev,

I've got two wheels on my
tricycle and four toes on each foot

I've got six days in my week
and up with this I will not put

I'm a bath without a plug
and I'm a handle with no jug

I'm a kiss without a
hug unless you're near me

I've got three strings on my
violin and I'm an only twin

Something's missing something's
missing, something's...

...ing

Now, my cat has only got eight
lives he chases two blind mice

On my birthday when I get three
cheers they only cheer me twice

I'm an oil well with no oil
and I'm a plant that has no soil

I'm a kettle that won't
boil unless you're near me

Two and two make three when I add

You're an orphan, says my dad

Something's missing something's
missing, something's...

...ing

But whenever you come close
to me my life is all complete

For no longer do I have four
toes no longer two left feet

I'm a playground full of swings
and I'm an eagle with his wings

I'm a nightingale that
sings because you're near me

Now, my love, I beg you stay

'Cause when you stay then I can say

Nothing's missing Nothing's missing

Nothing's miss...

...ing

And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,

On this special episode, our
quack who has gone to the dogs

will pay tribute to
William Shakespeare.

Prithee, nurse, who
beith our next patient?

Why, this little piglet, sire,

Not piglet, Hamlet,

Remember, we're doing Shakespeare,

Sounds more like bacon,

Say, this patient needs a
transfusion, What's his blood type?

Well, I think it's
Two-B, but I'm not sure,

Well, make up your
mind, Two-B or not Two-B,

Gadzooks, they have no shame,

Say, I'm listening to
this patient's heart,

Zounds,
- Zounds what?

Zounds terrible,

That frog wanted Shakespeare,
he's getting Shakespeare,

But you're a doctor, first,

Right, doctor first, Richard
the second, Henry the fourth,

Methinks we should take our leave,
- Why?

Look at the time,

Man, the timing of the shrew,

Are you calling me a shrew?
- If the shrew fits...

So we leave Veterinarian's
HospitaI-on-Avon,

Tune in next week when
you'll hear Dr Bob say...

Alas, poor pork, I knew thee well,

Now that really offended me,
I'm a student of Shakespeare,

You were a student with Shakespeare,

Kermie?
- Yes, Miss Piggy,

May I speak with you about our duet?
- What? Is something wrong with it?

Wrong? Why it's wonderfuI!

Oh, at last, a mature
and passionate love duet

between me and my Kermie,

Well, you're not doing it with me,
- What?

No, you're gonna do it
with Rudolph Nureyev,

Coming Rudy!

My Uncle Kermit can't
make the next introduction,

he's trying to get the spiked
heeI marks off his throat,

So, I guess I'll fill in,

Here, once again, the
multi-talented Rudolph Nureyev,

Yeah, I know, The
hat's still too big,

Holy maracas!

Hello,

Don't you talk to strangers?

Depends on how strange
the stranger is,

What a wonderfuI sense
of humour you have,

And you have a marvellous mind,

And the other parts
ain't bad, either,

Just think of it,

Last week I've been dancing
with Natalia Makarova,

And today, I'm in a steam
room with a lady pig,

Oh, yes, And isn't it heaven?

I don't think heaven is this warm,

It's more like the other place,

Well, if you're warm,
maybe you're overdressed?

No, I'm fine,
- Maybe I'm overdressed,

That's it, I'm leaving,
- Oh, no, sweetie, you just got here,

Please?

You don't understand,

Oh, please,

Boy, he's really good,
that Rudolph Nurey...

...Nureyey...

I should really learn
to pronounce his name,

Oh, don't bother now,

After this show, he'll
probably change it,

You forgot your candelabra,

I'll go get it, you keep playing,

Sounds terrific,

Got a match? A match, A
match for the candle... OK,

Lighter, lighter! Gonzo...

It doesn't work, It doesn't...

Rowlf, I think it's
all taken care of,

You're gonna have a
beautifuI candle to play with,

Fabulous,

Give it time,

Sorry about that, Gonzo!

Rudolph, I want to tell
you how delighted we are

to have you on our show tonight,

I'm having a great time,
- Oh, good,

I'm afraid your friend, the
eagle, isn't too pleased,

That's Sam, Don't worry about him,

Mr Nureyev, may I
have your attention?

Yes, Well...

...maybe I'm not too sure,

Oh, I just want to apologise

for the disgusting things the frog
has forced you to do on this show,

The frog did not force him,

The frog didn't force me,

What?
- No, I wanted to do them,

And it was fun,

I can't believe I am speaking
to the reaI Rudolph Nureyev,

Does that mean you're
going to throw me out again?

No, of course not,
- Good,

There's one more
number I'd like to do,

I should have known,

The first two for
the low-brow element,

but for your finale, a brilliant
interpretation of classic ballet,

Exactly,

Is that a ballet costume?

Trust me, Sam, You see...

OK, so once again we come now
to the end of another show,

So let us have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,

the incomparable
Rudolf Nureyev! Yay!

This has been a very
different experience for me,

Mr Nureyev, I just want
you to know that I am sorry,

You are sorry you threw me out?
- No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in,

This has been shocking,

CooI it, baldy,

OK, we'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show!

Now, wasn't that a culturaI show?