The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 8 - Steve Martin - full transcript

Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin?

Fifteen seconds till curtain,

Thank you, Scooter,
I'm almost ready,

See? You're gonna feeI
right at home around here,

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Steve Martin,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

I liked the old opening better,

It's time to get things started



On the most sensational,
inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

Green smoke,

Thank you, Thank you and welcome,
for the moment, to The Muppet Show.

Listen, I really feeI bad about this,
but I have a speciaI announcement,

Hey, maybe we've
gotten lucky at last,

Yeah, maybe tonight's
show's been cancelled,

Tonight's show has been cancelled,

Have I died and gone to heaven?

Well, you see, I just
realised I misread my calendar,

Tonight we're scheduled to
audition new acts for the show,

so I'm really sorry, but there
will not be a Muppet Show tonight,

You can stay and
watch the auditions,



but I'm not sure there will
be anything very exciting,

When has there ever been?

OK, you two, take the night off,

Now, we might as well bring up the
house lights and say good night,

I'll just go out into the house
and... Good grief, it's Steve Martin,

It is, Kermit, How's
it going, little fella?

Well, fine, Just fine, Steve,

I was sitting back in my dressing
room getting ready for the next number

and I heard this rumour that
the show had been cancelled,

Well, yeah, you see, we have
to audition new acts tonight,

Oh, OK, fine,

I was just supposed to be the
guest star on tonight's show,

No problem,
- Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that,

Well, you know, it's just a thing,
that I'm sitting there getting ready,

and I feeI like some
kind of sap back there,

putting these clothes
on for the big number,

No one bothers to come back and say,

"Hey, Steve, the show
has been cancelled,"

What am I around here, nothing?

Steve, I don't know what to say,

Well, I do,

Excuse me!

Well, let's get the
auditions going, shall we?

Well, should we stay or go?

I feeI the same as I do every week,

I've paid good money for this
ticket and I'm going to use it,

The tickets are free,

Yes, well, and
overpriced at that too,

OK, OK, If we can get
things started here now,

Kermit? Kermit?

Hey, when you say you
are auditioning acts,

you mean new acts, don't you?

I mean, you don't mean replacements?

Well, I don't really know, Fozzie,

I just thought maybe we
could use some new blood,

Why didn't he tell me
he wanted me to bleed?

OK, Scooter, what's the first act?

We got some really great
talent lined up, boss,

First up is the Lautrec
Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.

Oh, please don't let them be funny,

Oh, very good, Nice work, girls,

He liked the dancing rats?

Oh, what chance does a bear have?

Kermit, if you liked the last act,
wait till you see the next one,

It's called Mary Louise and Friend,

Hey, well, I had a big vibe
solo scheduled on tonight's show,

Don't ask me why the frog cancelled,

...chop-chop-chop...

Yeah, right on, Now
you're talking my language,

Can we have some quiet
out there in the theatre?

What's next, Scooter?
- You'll love this,

Here he is, Steve Martin!

Thank you very much, Thank you,

Steve, Steve, you really don't
have to perform here, you know,

I figured since I was here I may
as well do some stuff, you know,

But you don't have to do this,
because we cancelled the show,

Oh, well, maybe I could
just perform for the guys,

Yeah! OK! Come on!

OK, well, listen, if you want him
you got him, Take it away, Steve,

Thank you very much, Thank you,

I realise a lot of you folks are
sitting out there saying to yourselves,

"Sure, he's great,

but can he make balloon animals?"

Have you seen this before?
- Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, I'm sorry, I
don't like to repeat,

Come on, Steve,

Come on,
- Do it!

Come on, Steve, come on!
- I don't know what to do now,

I don't like to repeat,

and yet, the audience is
demanding that I do it,

I'll make a compromise,

I'll make balloon animals
but I won't blow them up,

Look at that,
- Giraffe,

Here we go,
- Dude got a sense of humour,

I fill up the balloons with
words and if they pop they go,

"Gosh darn it,"

It's not easy to get that air to
curI up inside your lungs like that,

And now, fun balloon
animals, Here we go,

Oh, yeah, look at him go,

Scooter, more balloons, Scooter,
- Yes, sir, Yes, sir,

Here you go, sir,
- Thank you, OK,

Blow up some more, just in case,
- Yes, sir,

Gosh darn it,

Oh, really... wow,
- Puppy dog,

I love that one, It's so cute,

Thank you very much, OK...

Well, just...

Hey, I'm complete,

You know, folks,

a lot of people come to
me and they say, "Steve,

how can you afford all those balloons
you use in your act? You must be rich,"

Well, actually, I get
the balloons for free,

I go down to the balloon ranch, where
the little baby balloons are grown,

and I steaI them from the nests,

What I do is, the adult balloons
who guard them are very stupid,

And it's easy to trick them, I'll
go, "Look at that inner tube,"

And they go, "Where? Gosh,"

And I load up my pockets,

Absolutely no danger to me because
the adult balloons are very dumb,

They wouldn't...

It's out of controI!

Well, it is a different
sort of an act,

Hey, you missed my big finish,

I didn't even use a net,

You were terrific, You should
make that into a feature film,

Can we get on with the auditions?

Oh, next up is Terry
Louise and Friend,

Yeah,

Next we have one of the
world's greatest comics,

Baskerville the Hound,

Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time!

You know what they call a dirty dog?

A mud poodle!

I am so funny!

Did you hear the...?

Next,

Hey, come on, Fozzie, You're
taking all this too personally,

Listen, It's healthy to see what
other people in your field are doing,

It's an enriching experience,
- Yeah,

Hey, Scooter, what's next?
- A guy named Lenny the Lizard,

He's an emcee,

What the hay?

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

And welcome again to another
edition of The Muppet Show.

Well, we've got a great
show for you tonight,

starring the incredible
and talented me,

Plus other good things...
- Next!

It was really interesting to
see how another emcee works,

CooI it,

You really must feeI
enriched, Kermit,

Will you get out of here, Fozzie?

On to the next act, chief?
- Yes, I'd love to,

I should think so,

Anyway, it's a weird little act
direct from the planet Koozebane,

Here they are, the Four Fazoobs,

Things are looking a little weird,

OK, let's take a break, everybody,

Let's see what we have so far,

We had the dancing rats,

We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise,

Kermit,
- Not now, Gonzo,

We had the Fazoobs,

The Fazoobs,
- Kermit!

What is it, Gonzo?
- I've got this great new act for you,

Not now, Right now I'm in
the middle of auditions,

OK, we'll audition,

I've seen your acts, I don't want
to see any more of them, thank you,

I'll talk to you later, all right?

Scooter? Who's next, Scooter?

Well, look, at least let
me tell you about the act,

No, Scooter!

I'm gonna tell you anyway,
- I won't listen,

Dancing cheese,
- Dancing cheese?

You were listening,
- Will somebody find Scooter?

Kermit, she's a great dancer,

She? It's a female cheese?

Of course it's a female!

You don't expect me to
dance with a male, do you?

No...
- That would look weird,

Yes, I'm sure that
would look weird, Gonzo,

You dance with her?
- You're getting interested?

No, I'm just killing time
untiI Scooter gets here,

Well, anyway, she's
featured, We do a flamenco,

I just click my heels a little,

The cheese does the fancy steps,
- The cheese does the fancy steps?

I don't think I want to
hear any more about it,

But Scooter's not here yet!

I don't care, Here he comes now,

Oh, Scooter!
- Just remember it,

Yeah, sure,
- Yes, chief?

Scooter, who you got next?
- Oh, Gonzales and Yolanda,

Dance, you little firebrand,

Dance, dance!

Tortilla! Burrito! San Diego!

Show 'em what gorgonzola can do,

Well, let us trust that we've got
some new and truly different acts

for the rest of the evening,

Here's the first one,
Carrie Louise and Friend,

I keep telling you, I'm the
girI singer on this show,

Move it, Move it!

OK, nothing too different so far,

Scooter, you must have
some good acts back there,

How about this one,
Kermit? He's a rambling guy,

OK, Let's not waste
any more time, Let's go,

How much was it to get in?
- Free,

You're gonna get your
money's worth on this,

Hey, this guy's good,

I'm a rambling guy,

Free,

Everybody whistle!

In Chinese now,

Way to go, Steve, That's good stuff,

Kermit, I am appalled,

Don't we have some good,
old-fashioned entertainment?

Scooter?
- I can vouch for the "old" part,

Who you got?
- Statler and Waldorf,

What?

Take it!

Boo! Boo! Get off the stage!

Take it, Statler!

They're terrible, aren't they?

Watch it, you old fooI,

Yes, here, here, Oh,
wholesome, WonderfuI!

I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam,

Kermit, it was good,
old-fashioned entertainment,

With that act The Muppet
Show finally turns the corner

and becomes a normaI,
decent, moraI program,

Well, I am pleased, Sam,

What's next?

Marvin Suggs and His
AII-Food Glee Club,

For one brief moment there was
light at the end of the tunneI,

Thank you and gracias.

Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs,

And now, presenting my singing food!

Oh, I love my vegetables!

How are you, cabbage?
- Getting ahead!

How's the artichoke?
- Singing my heart out,

Oh, what's wrong, asparagus?
- I feeI naked without my Hollandaise,

Come on, tomato, you're slow,
- I'll ketchup,

Hey, Kermit, my main frog,
- Yeah?

You rarin' to book that last act?
- I doubt it,

Fantastic, We'll take it,
- Are you putting together a show?

No, a dinner,

Yeah, soprano looked delicious,

OK, chief, Next up
is a guy you'll love,

Remember Rambling Guy?
Here's Juggling Guy,

Yeah, yeah!

And now... Now it's time
for a little juggling,

Oh, yeah,

Let's start with easy stuff,
First of all I juggle one,

Now, two,

Now, three,

Oh, yeah,
- Under the leg,

Now, Fozzie, can you catch this?
- Yes,

OK, Take it, toss
it up in midair, OK?

OK!

Good throw, yeah!

Oh, no!

No!

I've killed it,

OK, very funny, very funny,

Kermit, when you say "very
funny", do you mean...?

Fozzie, don't worry about it,
Nobody is going to lose their job,

Oh, that's terrific,

Excuse me, Kermit, I got
one last act back here,

It's a human cannonball
act, The Zucchini Brothers,

Push-a,
push, push-a,

Hey, get the
booma-booma, - Hey! Hey!

Booma-booma,
- Hey, hey!

Hey!

No booma-booma,
- No booma-booma!

Dud!

Cut! Is that it, Scooter?

Well, that's it, It's all over,

What a night,

Does that mean we can all go home?
- It sure does, Steve,

I hope you're not mad
we cancelled the show,

Oh, no, just a little disappointed

I didn't get to do the number
I rehearsed with your jug band,

I didn't know you'd rehearsed,

It was gonna be good, but
no problem, Don't worry,

Yeah, well, I would have
liked to have seen it,

I knew he'd fall for
it, Come on in, guys,

It goes a little bit like this,

All together, cats,

It's another dud!

This is the time when I
usually say the show is over,

But it seems silly since
the show never begun,

If it had begun, I'd be saying,

"Let's have a speciaI
thanks for Mr Steve Martin!"

I can't tell you what a pleasure it's
been for me not being on your show,

If there's anybody left watching, we'll
see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Well, that was different,

Yep, lousy...
- But different!