The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 7 - Edgar Bergen - full transcript
Edgar Bergen. Twenty-five
seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.
Oh, thank you. Did
you hear that, Charlie?
I... I... I just can't believe
my eyes. Did he go yet?
Yes, he just stuck his
head in the door and left.
I don't mean him. I mean him.
Oh.
I just can't believe my eyes.
A stick of wood that talks.
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest
star, Mr. Edgar Bergen.
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
- Maybe they'll be funny.
- Wanna bet?
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
♪ On the most
sensational inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello there and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
We have two very
special guests tonight,
Mr. Edgar Bergen and
Mr. Charlie McCarthy.
We're also going to try
to coax Mortimer Snerd
into making an appearance.
You see, Mortimer's
a shy country boy.
Mortimer, this opening number
should make you
feel right at home.
Ready, girls?
Now, why would they have a
bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?
'Cause the alligators were sick.
That makes sense.
Yeah, OK, OK.
I see what you mean
about the dressing room.
I'll see what I can do
about having a coop built
for you out back, OK?
OK, OK, sure, right.
You have to treat the
chickens pretty well.
They've got a tough union.
Good grief! It's Edgar
Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
Bergen, call the janitor.
There's a toad
loose in the theater.
- Kermit is supposed to be here.
- Yeah?
Yes, and besides, don't
you know the difference
between a frog and a toad?
I guess not, no.
Frogs are handsome,
debonair and charming,
while toads are ugly
and give you warts.
I see. I guess that means the
toad is supposed to be here.
Kermit, do forgive Charlie.
I know that he can
be difficult and trying.
I can be difficult
without trying.
Yeah, I know you can.
I don't mind, Edgar,
'cause I always expect
wisecracks from Charlie.
It's very good to have you here.
I'm sorry, I don't usually
talk to frogs, you know.
- Charlie, please.
- Yeah, all right.
Sometimes I have
dinner with frogs though.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Yes, they're delicious.
That's not nice.
Well, make up your mind.
In fact, I once tried to
race some frogs, see.
I'm not sure I
want to hear this.
Well, you'll get it anyway.
I was going to teach them to
jump forwards and backwards.
And that way they'd have
hind legs on both ends, see.
And I'd... I'd have the
jump on everybody.
You don't know
what you're saying.
Yes, I do, Bergen.
I can read your lips.
Oh.
That burns him up.
Charlie, it's really
great to have you here.
Just try to relax
and act natural.
Well, I am acting natural.
Really? You look a
little wooden to me.
Ha-ha-ha.
If you're gonna
do jokes like that,
Bergen and I will
feel right at home.
Yes, we will.
That's what we want.
Relaxed guests?
No, song cues.
Oh.
No, thank you.
Not me.
So what? Who cares?
Not me. I'm driving.
Check.
Right.
Remember girls, an egg a
day keeps the hatchet away.
Here's the bacon
to go with the eggs.
Bergen, this isn't a
television show, this is a zoo.
Oink-oink.
Cluck-cluck.
Here is a Muppets news flash.
Dateline, The Muppet Show, an
embarrassing situation developed today
when the Muppet news reporter
accidentally went on camera
forgetting to put
on his pants...
Oh. Oh, good grief.
And now, in a feat of grand daring
never before seen on this planet,
the great Gonzo will attempt
to wrestle a six-pound red brick
while completely blindfolded.
Ahh.
Hiyah!
No.
Ahh.
Hiyah!
OK, put the Pigs in
Space set onstage please.
Kermit, you promised
me a welterweight brick.
Oh, yeah.
Scooter, would you
find Captain Hogthrob
and tell him to stand by?
Check.
Kermit, where's the glue?
It's in the office.
Where's Piggy?
Also, I need some
string and some paint
and do you have any black cloth.
Fozzie, I'm trying
to run a show here.
I know, Kermit, but
I'm on in a few minutes
and my act's not ready.
Well, what act is that, Fozzie?
Well, you know how Edgar
Bergen gets screams of laughter
just by talking with
Charlie McCarthy?
Yeah, so?
Me and Chucky'll
knock 'em dead tonight.
There he goes, the
dummy and his dummy.
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the indomitable
Captain Link Hogthrob,
the flappable first
mate, Miss Piggy
and the inexplicable
Dr. Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time
the spaceship Swinetrek was
on the verge of a
hideous catastrophe.
Dr. Strangepork, who can save
us from this hideous catastrophe.
Captain, according
to my records,
the only person who's had the
necessary training to save us
is First Mate Piggy.
Oh, I am ready to do
whatever is necessary
to save the Swinetrek
and her crew.
I am at the service
of all porkdom.
What is my assignment?
Miss Piggy,
you and you alone can
operate the independent heating,
slash, unifying element across
the horizontal equalizing plane
and save the entire
crew of the Swinetrek.
Oh. I am ready, my captain.
Excellent. Bring in the
equipment for Miss Piggy.
But what is this?
Well, surely you recognize
the independent heating,
slash, unifying element and the
the horizontal equalizing plane.
You want me to do the laundry?
Well, of course.
Nobody on the crew
has had clean
laundry for a week.
That is correct. We
are all living like pigs.
An astute observation, doctor.
You wanna play a
little touch football,
toss the old pigskin around?
Right behind you, captain.
Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy.
A little less starch
in the pajamas, OK?
Oh, yeah? Well, starch
this, sausage snout!
Hiyah!
Tune in again next time
for another
iron-fisted episode of
Pigs in Space!
Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could
I come in and talk for a minute?
- Of course you can, Fozzie.
- Oh, good.
And it's good to see you again.
You know Mortimer
Snerd of course.
Oh.
Well, of course I recognize
this charming,
handsome-looking gentleman.
- Yawww.
- Ahhh.
He says the darnedest things.
Well, Mortimer, you
know who he is, surely.
Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.
No, no, my name is Fozzie.
Yeah, that's right,
Shirley Fozzie.
Listen, Mortimer, I didn't
even know you were here.
Well, say, maybe I'm not here.
What?
Was I here yesterday?
Uh, no.
Well, then probably I'm not
here today. I don't travel too much.
Listen, Mr. Bergen...
Am I supposed to be here.
Of course.
You have to excuse
Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.
Yeah, it's probably
why I'm not here yet.
Wait, what do you
mean, Mortimer?
Well, if I were faster
I'd be here by now.
Listen, Mortimer, take my
word for it. You are here.
Well, thank goodness.
- Are you through?
- No, I'm here.
Yeah, all right.
Mortimer, haven't
you any brains at all?
Well, well, not with me, no.
I'll ignore that. Fozzie,
what can I do for you?
Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see,
my spot in the show
is on in just a minute
and I've decided to go
out and do an act like yours.
Oh, well, our act is easy.
Yeah, I sit on
the stage and talk
and Bergen stands next
to me and moves his lips.
There's one more thing.
You must have comedy,
you must have good jokes.
Jokes. Yeah.
Speaking of jokes...
there's the funniest
story going around.
What... what... Mortimer,
what's the story going around.
Well, I don't know. It hasn't
gotten around to me yet.
Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer,
you are stupid.
Yeah, yeah. But I've
made a success of it.
Excuse me, Mortimer.
Fozzie, you're on.
Oh! Oh, I'm on!
Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, good luck.
Oh, that Shirley
is a nice fellow.
Oh.
OK, well, once again, it's time
for everyone's
semi-favorite funny man.
Uh, or favorite semi-funny
man or whatever.
Uh, Fozzie has something
new in mind for tonight
so summon your courage and welcome,
if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.
Ahhh.
Uh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's Fozzie and
Chucky time! Ahh!
Um...
Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
This is funny.
Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
All part of the act.
Uh, hey, Chucky,
moving right along...
uh, Chucky, why do firemen
wear red suspenders?
Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chucky, listen.
Uh, why'd the chicken
cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road, Chucky?!
Say something! Anything!
- Fozzie...
- He won't talk to me!
There's something
about ventriloquism
that I think you should know.
- What?
- You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie...
it's the ventriloquism's who
actually does the talking.
- It doesn't?!
- Yeah.
- Really? No moving lips?
- Nope.
OK, OK, I've got it
now. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Uh, listen.
Uh, Chucky,
who was that lady I
saw you with last night.
That was no lady.
That was my wife.
Ahh!
Oh, that's so funny!
Oh, I love me! Yeah!
Hmm, actually, I
spent the night alone.
Terrible.
Awful. I hated it.
- Wonderful!
- Spectacular.
- I loved it.
- Yeah, I loved it.
Edgar Bergen is a performer
who means something very special
to all of us on The Muppet Show,
so it's really a thrill for
me to say once again,
here is Edgar Bergen
and everybody's
friend, Charlie McCarthy.
Well, Charlie, are you enjoying
yourself on The Muppet Show?
Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh...
I'm enjoying myself, yes.
- Well, that's nice.
- Yes.
I have to enjoy myself.
There's nothing else
to enjoy on this show.
- What?
- They're a bunch of weirdoes.
Oh, no, no, Charlie.
It's not nice to say that.
There's some wonderful
folks on this show.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.
- Well, he's a bear.
- Yes.
- Pure and simple.
- Charlie.
Accent on "simple."
Yes.
No. You know, I think he's very
nice. He's so cute and cuddly.
Yeah. You know what
he reminds me of?
No, what?
Uh, you know, the floor
in my den, it needs a rug.
It needs a rug.
That's enough of that.
I don't wanna hear
any more about Fozzie.
Good. I'll talk about the frog.
No no. No, you won't.
- He is our host, Kermit is.
- Yeah, that's right.
You know what we used to
do with frogs in biology class?
- I don't want
to hear about that.
- No, no.
I'm surprised to hear you talking
that way. What's the matter with you?
Well, if you must know,
I'm... I'm lonesome.
Oh, you're lonesome. Oh, I
should have guessed that, sure.
You miss the companionship
of a beautiful, gorgeous female.
Yeah.
Did someone call me?
She's here.
Yikes!
Don't look, now, Bergen, but
somebody left the sty gate open.
Did you say something?
Yeah, well, I was, uh, I
was talking to Bergen.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, he was just saying
that he wanted to meet you.
Uh-huh. Didn't
sound that way to me.
Me neither and I said it.
For your information,
you overdressed splinter,
my heart belongs to Kermit.
You, you're in love with a frog?
What are you laughing
at, mahogany mouth?
You know what we
used to do with frogs?
No. You know what we
used to do with wood?
- No.
- Chop it!
Hiyah! Ow!
Solid oak! Ah! Ah! Ah!
That's about it for
another Muppet Show.
Before we say
goodbye, let's bring out
our special guests
one more time.
I'm not going out there
if that pig is still there.
Don't be silly, Charlie.
Mr. Edgar Bergen and
Mr. Charlie McCarthy!
Is that pig gone?
There's nobody out
here but us frogs.
Oh, just frogs.
Did I ever tell you
what we did with
frogs in biology class?
We're a little late, folks,
but we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.
He shouldn't have jumped.
This show's not that bad.
seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.
Oh, thank you. Did
you hear that, Charlie?
I... I... I just can't believe
my eyes. Did he go yet?
Yes, he just stuck his
head in the door and left.
I don't mean him. I mean him.
Oh.
I just can't believe my eyes.
A stick of wood that talks.
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest
star, Mr. Edgar Bergen.
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
- Maybe they'll be funny.
- Wanna bet?
♪ It's time to get
things started ♪
♪ On the most
sensational inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello there and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
We have two very
special guests tonight,
Mr. Edgar Bergen and
Mr. Charlie McCarthy.
We're also going to try
to coax Mortimer Snerd
into making an appearance.
You see, Mortimer's
a shy country boy.
Mortimer, this opening number
should make you
feel right at home.
Ready, girls?
Now, why would they have a
bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?
'Cause the alligators were sick.
That makes sense.
Yeah, OK, OK.
I see what you mean
about the dressing room.
I'll see what I can do
about having a coop built
for you out back, OK?
OK, OK, sure, right.
You have to treat the
chickens pretty well.
They've got a tough union.
Good grief! It's Edgar
Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
Bergen, call the janitor.
There's a toad
loose in the theater.
- Kermit is supposed to be here.
- Yeah?
Yes, and besides, don't
you know the difference
between a frog and a toad?
I guess not, no.
Frogs are handsome,
debonair and charming,
while toads are ugly
and give you warts.
I see. I guess that means the
toad is supposed to be here.
Kermit, do forgive Charlie.
I know that he can
be difficult and trying.
I can be difficult
without trying.
Yeah, I know you can.
I don't mind, Edgar,
'cause I always expect
wisecracks from Charlie.
It's very good to have you here.
I'm sorry, I don't usually
talk to frogs, you know.
- Charlie, please.
- Yeah, all right.
Sometimes I have
dinner with frogs though.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Yes, they're delicious.
That's not nice.
Well, make up your mind.
In fact, I once tried to
race some frogs, see.
I'm not sure I
want to hear this.
Well, you'll get it anyway.
I was going to teach them to
jump forwards and backwards.
And that way they'd have
hind legs on both ends, see.
And I'd... I'd have the
jump on everybody.
You don't know
what you're saying.
Yes, I do, Bergen.
I can read your lips.
Oh.
That burns him up.
Charlie, it's really
great to have you here.
Just try to relax
and act natural.
Well, I am acting natural.
Really? You look a
little wooden to me.
Ha-ha-ha.
If you're gonna
do jokes like that,
Bergen and I will
feel right at home.
Yes, we will.
That's what we want.
Relaxed guests?
No, song cues.
Oh.
No, thank you.
Not me.
So what? Who cares?
Not me. I'm driving.
Check.
Right.
Remember girls, an egg a
day keeps the hatchet away.
Here's the bacon
to go with the eggs.
Bergen, this isn't a
television show, this is a zoo.
Oink-oink.
Cluck-cluck.
Here is a Muppets news flash.
Dateline, The Muppet Show, an
embarrassing situation developed today
when the Muppet news reporter
accidentally went on camera
forgetting to put
on his pants...
Oh. Oh, good grief.
And now, in a feat of grand daring
never before seen on this planet,
the great Gonzo will attempt
to wrestle a six-pound red brick
while completely blindfolded.
Ahh.
Hiyah!
No.
Ahh.
Hiyah!
OK, put the Pigs in
Space set onstage please.
Kermit, you promised
me a welterweight brick.
Oh, yeah.
Scooter, would you
find Captain Hogthrob
and tell him to stand by?
Check.
Kermit, where's the glue?
It's in the office.
Where's Piggy?
Also, I need some
string and some paint
and do you have any black cloth.
Fozzie, I'm trying
to run a show here.
I know, Kermit, but
I'm on in a few minutes
and my act's not ready.
Well, what act is that, Fozzie?
Well, you know how Edgar
Bergen gets screams of laughter
just by talking with
Charlie McCarthy?
Yeah, so?
Me and Chucky'll
knock 'em dead tonight.
There he goes, the
dummy and his dummy.
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the indomitable
Captain Link Hogthrob,
the flappable first
mate, Miss Piggy
and the inexplicable
Dr. Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time
the spaceship Swinetrek was
on the verge of a
hideous catastrophe.
Dr. Strangepork, who can save
us from this hideous catastrophe.
Captain, according
to my records,
the only person who's had the
necessary training to save us
is First Mate Piggy.
Oh, I am ready to do
whatever is necessary
to save the Swinetrek
and her crew.
I am at the service
of all porkdom.
What is my assignment?
Miss Piggy,
you and you alone can
operate the independent heating,
slash, unifying element across
the horizontal equalizing plane
and save the entire
crew of the Swinetrek.
Oh. I am ready, my captain.
Excellent. Bring in the
equipment for Miss Piggy.
But what is this?
Well, surely you recognize
the independent heating,
slash, unifying element and the
the horizontal equalizing plane.
You want me to do the laundry?
Well, of course.
Nobody on the crew
has had clean
laundry for a week.
That is correct. We
are all living like pigs.
An astute observation, doctor.
You wanna play a
little touch football,
toss the old pigskin around?
Right behind you, captain.
Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy.
A little less starch
in the pajamas, OK?
Oh, yeah? Well, starch
this, sausage snout!
Hiyah!
Tune in again next time
for another
iron-fisted episode of
Pigs in Space!
Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could
I come in and talk for a minute?
- Of course you can, Fozzie.
- Oh, good.
And it's good to see you again.
You know Mortimer
Snerd of course.
Oh.
Well, of course I recognize
this charming,
handsome-looking gentleman.
- Yawww.
- Ahhh.
He says the darnedest things.
Well, Mortimer, you
know who he is, surely.
Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.
No, no, my name is Fozzie.
Yeah, that's right,
Shirley Fozzie.
Listen, Mortimer, I didn't
even know you were here.
Well, say, maybe I'm not here.
What?
Was I here yesterday?
Uh, no.
Well, then probably I'm not
here today. I don't travel too much.
Listen, Mr. Bergen...
Am I supposed to be here.
Of course.
You have to excuse
Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.
Yeah, it's probably
why I'm not here yet.
Wait, what do you
mean, Mortimer?
Well, if I were faster
I'd be here by now.
Listen, Mortimer, take my
word for it. You are here.
Well, thank goodness.
- Are you through?
- No, I'm here.
Yeah, all right.
Mortimer, haven't
you any brains at all?
Well, well, not with me, no.
I'll ignore that. Fozzie,
what can I do for you?
Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see,
my spot in the show
is on in just a minute
and I've decided to go
out and do an act like yours.
Oh, well, our act is easy.
Yeah, I sit on
the stage and talk
and Bergen stands next
to me and moves his lips.
There's one more thing.
You must have comedy,
you must have good jokes.
Jokes. Yeah.
Speaking of jokes...
there's the funniest
story going around.
What... what... Mortimer,
what's the story going around.
Well, I don't know. It hasn't
gotten around to me yet.
Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer,
you are stupid.
Yeah, yeah. But I've
made a success of it.
Excuse me, Mortimer.
Fozzie, you're on.
Oh! Oh, I'm on!
Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, good luck.
Oh, that Shirley
is a nice fellow.
Oh.
OK, well, once again, it's time
for everyone's
semi-favorite funny man.
Uh, or favorite semi-funny
man or whatever.
Uh, Fozzie has something
new in mind for tonight
so summon your courage and welcome,
if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.
Ahhh.
Uh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's Fozzie and
Chucky time! Ahh!
Um...
Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
This is funny.
Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
All part of the act.
Uh, hey, Chucky,
moving right along...
uh, Chucky, why do firemen
wear red suspenders?
Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chucky, listen.
Uh, why'd the chicken
cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road, Chucky?!
Say something! Anything!
- Fozzie...
- He won't talk to me!
There's something
about ventriloquism
that I think you should know.
- What?
- You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie...
it's the ventriloquism's who
actually does the talking.
- It doesn't?!
- Yeah.
- Really? No moving lips?
- Nope.
OK, OK, I've got it
now. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Uh, listen.
Uh, Chucky,
who was that lady I
saw you with last night.
That was no lady.
That was my wife.
Ahh!
Oh, that's so funny!
Oh, I love me! Yeah!
Hmm, actually, I
spent the night alone.
Terrible.
Awful. I hated it.
- Wonderful!
- Spectacular.
- I loved it.
- Yeah, I loved it.
Edgar Bergen is a performer
who means something very special
to all of us on The Muppet Show,
so it's really a thrill for
me to say once again,
here is Edgar Bergen
and everybody's
friend, Charlie McCarthy.
Well, Charlie, are you enjoying
yourself on The Muppet Show?
Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh...
I'm enjoying myself, yes.
- Well, that's nice.
- Yes.
I have to enjoy myself.
There's nothing else
to enjoy on this show.
- What?
- They're a bunch of weirdoes.
Oh, no, no, Charlie.
It's not nice to say that.
There's some wonderful
folks on this show.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.
- Well, he's a bear.
- Yes.
- Pure and simple.
- Charlie.
Accent on "simple."
Yes.
No. You know, I think he's very
nice. He's so cute and cuddly.
Yeah. You know what
he reminds me of?
No, what?
Uh, you know, the floor
in my den, it needs a rug.
It needs a rug.
That's enough of that.
I don't wanna hear
any more about Fozzie.
Good. I'll talk about the frog.
No no. No, you won't.
- He is our host, Kermit is.
- Yeah, that's right.
You know what we used to
do with frogs in biology class?
- I don't want
to hear about that.
- No, no.
I'm surprised to hear you talking
that way. What's the matter with you?
Well, if you must know,
I'm... I'm lonesome.
Oh, you're lonesome. Oh, I
should have guessed that, sure.
You miss the companionship
of a beautiful, gorgeous female.
Yeah.
Did someone call me?
She's here.
Yikes!
Don't look, now, Bergen, but
somebody left the sty gate open.
Did you say something?
Yeah, well, I was, uh, I
was talking to Bergen.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, he was just saying
that he wanted to meet you.
Uh-huh. Didn't
sound that way to me.
Me neither and I said it.
For your information,
you overdressed splinter,
my heart belongs to Kermit.
You, you're in love with a frog?
What are you laughing
at, mahogany mouth?
You know what we
used to do with frogs?
No. You know what we
used to do with wood?
- No.
- Chop it!
Hiyah! Ow!
Solid oak! Ah! Ah! Ah!
That's about it for
another Muppet Show.
Before we say
goodbye, let's bring out
our special guests
one more time.
I'm not going out there
if that pig is still there.
Don't be silly, Charlie.
Mr. Edgar Bergen and
Mr. Charlie McCarthy!
Is that pig gone?
There's nobody out
here but us frogs.
Oh, just frogs.
Did I ever tell you
what we did with
frogs in biology class?
We're a little late, folks,
but we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.
He shouldn't have jumped.
This show's not that bad.