The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 6 - Nancy Walker - full transcript

Nancy Walker, 13
seconds to curtain.

Stand by, Miss Walker.

Are you kidding, standby?

I can't even stand up!

It's The Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Miss Nancy Walker.

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

Hurry up, they're starting.

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪



♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

But I can't. I don't
know what to do.

He said it was up to you.

Oh, hello. Hiya, hiya, hiya.

Hey, uh... Maybe you can tell
that I am not, uh, Kermit the frog.

You see, just moments
ago Kermit went home.

He's not feeling very well.
Uh, so he left me in charge.

Oh no, did you hear that?

I wonder how sick the frog is?

Well, if he put the bear
in charge, he's very sick.

Give me a break, guys, huh?

Uh, look, we'll still
have a great time tonight,



because I know
exactly what to do.

Uh...

- Talk about Nancy Walker.
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Uh... tonight's
wonderful guest star

is the very talented lady of song
and comedy, Miss Nancy Walker.

- Now what?
- Introduce the opening number.

Introduce the... Oh, yeah.
Uh, here is the opening number!

- Leave the stage!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Be gentle, I'm new at this.

Oh, for once we got a blast
out of something on this show.

Yeah, but how do you dig
a foxhole in a theatre box?

Oh, boy. You'll be OK.

Oh, I hope the
damage wasn't too bad.

Hey, Fozzie.
Kermit's on the phone.

- He wants to talk to you,
- Oh, oh, thanks Scooter.

You nervous with all
your new responsibility?

Ha! Me, nervous?
Are you kidding?

Hello. Hmm? Wha...?

Oh! Oh, hello,
Kermit. Oh, hi. Yeah.

Uh, the opening?
Oh, great, yeah.

Everybody got a, uh,
big bang out of it. Mmm.

Huh? Oh, don't worry
about Nancy Walker.

I'll give her a
classy introduction.

Sure, sure, sure.
Everything's under control.

Hey Fozzie. Fozzie,
what's on stage next?

I don't know. What's
on stage now?

- Nothing.
- Nothing's on stage?!

Nothing out front either.
The audience is leaving.

The audience...
The aud... The...

Wait, wait, please wait. Oh.
Come back, please, everybody!

We have a lot more
show left, honest.

Oh. Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Yeah, listen.

You'll love this
next part. Yeah.

It's guest star time, ah!

And we have for you
the incredibly talented,

unforgettable...
The unforgettable...

I forgot!

Nancy Walker!

Of course!

Here she is, Miss
Nancy Walker in...

Wait a minute. I'm
in this next sketch.

- Uh, Scooter!
- What, what?

- Uh, fill, fill.
- Well, what should I say?

Ah, whatever. I gotta
go put my costume on.

But, but...

Oh, hi everybody.
Uh, uh... Listen.

I'm selling magazine subscriptions
to win a skateboard at school,

and, uh, I was wondering if I
could interest anybody out there

in 72 issues of Field
and Farmer for only five...

All right, Scooter, all
right. Enough, I'm ready.

Oh, uh... Well, then, uh...

Then here's Nancy
Walker... I guess.

Oh. Hello, and uh, what
can I do for you today?

I'd like a menu, some water...

and a whip.

Don't worry, his bark
is worse than his bite.

If he barks, I'm leaving.

One water coming up.

Uh... Where's the glass?

- What glass?
- "What glass?"

I asked you first.

Uh, look, I put a
glass right here.

I'll fess up. I ate it.

It's gonna be one of those days.

Now wait a minute.

- What is going on here?
- What's the matter?

What'd you do, break
it? Where's the pitcher?

- What pitcher?
- "What pitcher?"

- She asked you first.
- You stay out of this.

Now look, I know I
put a pitcher right here.

Maybe you just think you did.

I don't think, I know.

I don't think you know either.

Look, all I know is
that I put a pitcher

and a second
glass of water here.

And now the second
glass is gone?!

Do me a favor, just get
the menu back here please.

I didn't take the menu away!

Listen...

I can understand somebody
swiping two glasses and a pitcher,

- but will you
tell me two things?
- What?!

Who would take a menu,

and why is the air conditioning
being turned on in December?

You know what I think?

Mm-hmm. I think you're right.

Come here.

Worth a try.

Hey, uh, hand me that tray
of stuff there, will you, cook?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Hey, look at the time, I
gotta go wax the oven.

Oh. Well, I'd better
go paint the garage.

Gotcha!

A-ha! You don't think we
know what you're doing, huh?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, we saw you.

- We know exactly
what you're doing!
- You bet!

You're hogging the
whole place for yourself.

- Give me a bite.
- What?!

You ever tried any of this?

Mmm. This is good.

Everybody eats.

Yeah, boy, that Nancy Walker's
a great actress, isn't she?

Yeah, but I wouldn't
want to take her to dinner.

Hey Kermit, Fozzie's really doing
a terrific job with the show tonight.

Oh, the opening
number was sensational.

Oh, those holes in the
theatre will be easy to fix.

And you should have seen the way
he got the audience to come back

- after they started to leave.
- Hey, Gonzo!

What are you doing to me?

I was only trying to tell Kermit
what a great job you're doing.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him!

- Give me the phone!
- All right!

All right! All right, At
The Dance everybody.

Oh, hi, Kermit. Listen, I
got to make an introduction.

I'll be right back and
explain everything. Oh, boy!

Oh.

Hello, Kermie, is that you?

Oh, Kermie, I was
just going to call you.

Yes. I'm dedicating the
Veterinarian's Hospital sketch to you.

Love of my life. Au revoir.

Hey, Piggy, we can't
do the hospital sketch.

Fozzie just introduced
At The Dance.

- At The Dance?
- Mm-hmm.

I promised Kermit
the hospital sketch.

And that is what
we're going to do!

OK, but we better get out
there. The sketch is starting.

And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, what is this
man suffering from?

Uh... I don't know,
maybe it's rumbatism.

Oh. Do you come here often?

Mmm, only to have
my appendix out.

Wow, Dr. Bob, there are
dancers in this operating room.

What should we do?

What else? The foxtrot.

Dr. Bob! This is
an operating room.

We've got to be serious now.

Why? We've never
been serious before.

- Are you the doctor?
- That's what I tell people.

Well, would you remove a
large growth from my toe?

- Sure, what is it?
- Him.

Hey, by the way. How come
we're dancing in an operating room?

Because. Although the
song will soon be over,

the malady lingers on.

And so, Dr. Bob has
gone to the dance.

Tune in next week and
hear Miss Piggy say...

This sketch is a disaster,
Dr. Bob. What should we do?

What else? A big finish.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Oh, Scooter, the
show is falling apart.

I practically blow up the theatre,
then the audience starts to leave,

and now two sketches
go on at the same time.

- Oh, boy.
- Way to go, bear!

Oh, Scooter, what
else can go wrong?

- Well, the crew's
talking about quitting.
- What?

You know, the stage hand,
the prop man, the lighting man.

I think you'd
better talk to them.

Well, all right. Who do you
think I should talk to first?

Maybe you better start
with the lighting man.

I think you're right. Harvey!

Aaah!

Hey, I just wanna tell you, I know
the show has been a little shaky,

but I've got everything under
control now, Miss Walker.

- Miss who?
- Oh, Walker, isn't that right?

Oh, yeah. Come on,
I was only kidding.

- Anyway, the show
isn't that bad.
- It isn't?

No, I mean look, the audience liked
it. They all came back, they stayed.

Yeah.

Very clever of you
to lock the doors.

That's cruelty to bears.

Listen, as for the, uh, sketches
being done at the same time.

Do you know how many
times I've seen that done?

How many? How many?

Never!

You know what I do
when things don't go right?

No.

Yeah, but...

Oh, oh, thank you,
thank you, Miss Walker.

I feel terrific now.

- Well, I'm glad you're happy.
- Yeah.

- But listen.
- Hmm?

That's just a song. Your
show's in a lot of trouble.

I would just like
to say a few words

about nudity in the world today.

And I, for one, am
just appalled by it.

Why, did you know that
underneath their clothing,

the entire population of
the world is walking around

completely naked?!

Hmm? Is that disgusting?

And it's not just people, although,
goodness knows, that's bad enough.

But animals too.

Even cute little doggies and
pussycats can't be trusted.

Underneath their
fur, absolutely naked!

And it's not just the
quadrupeds either!

Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those
fine feathers, birds wear nothing.

Nothing at all! Abs...

Well, how do you
feel about nudity?

Well, personally, it
always left me cold.

Miss Walker, I was wondering
if I could borrow your hairbrush.

- Of course,
sweetheart, come in.
- Oh, thank you so much.

You know, I certainly do
appreciate this, Miss Walker.

Oh, just call me Nancy.

Oh, I knew it. I just
knew you'd be nice.

Why? 'Cause I let you
use my hairbrush? Big deal.

No, no, because of those
parts you play on television.

I just knew you'd be
an overly considerate,

protective, mother-type person.

- I just knew it.
- Uh, well, I'll tell
you the truth,

I'm no more protective of
people than anybody else.

I mean, that mother
thing is an act.

Oh?

- Hi. Oh, hello, Kermit.
- Oh, Kermie, my Kermie. He's sick.

You're sick? Oh. Well, listen
Kermit, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to drink lots of
liquids. No, don't eat anything.

Starve a fever,
feed a cold, right?

Get into bed, turn the
electric blanket way up high,

and I'll be right over
with some chicken soup.

Listen what have you
got? Flu? What kind?

- Oh, dear.
- No kidding, that's the worst.

- Oh, no.
- He's got swine flu.

Swine flu?!

Take... Take this, frog!

Hiyah!

I think we have kind of
a bad connection here.

Hey Fozzie,

it's time to introduce Nancy
Walker's musical number.

Oh, Scooter, you do it. I
can't go out on stage again.

I'm too ashamed.
Everything's gone wrong.

Well, maybe this
will cheer you up.

- Why, what is this,
what is this?
- Well, just read it.

Oh, all right. "Dear
Fozzie, I just want to tell you

what a pleasure it was to
work with you on your show.

You're really terrific.

The frog's been
holding you back.

Nancy Walker."

- Ahh.
- You ready to do
the introduction now?

Oh, I sure am. I feel great.

There. You can
read it if you want to.

I don't have to
read it. I wrote it.

Hey, and now,
ladies and gentlemen,

I take great pride in presenting
our wonderful guest star...

Psst, Fozzie, don't
forget her name this time.

- Gonzo, I will not
forget her name.
- It's Nancy Walker.

- I know it's Nancy Walker.
- That's "Nancy". Rhymes with "fancy."

- I know, I know.
- "Walker," rhymes
with "talker."

Gonzo, I have it.

And it's "Nancy Walker,"
not "Fancy Talker."

Gonzo, I know the guest
star's name is Nancy Walker.

I remember Nancy Walker.
I will not forget the name.

OK.

- You forgot to introduce her.
- Aaaah!

Uh, yeah, well everybody,
I mean, what can I say?

Uh, you know, it's not
been much of a show,

and, uh, you've
probably had a lousy time.

- And Kermit will
probably fire me.
- You're fired.

Kermit, what are you doing here?

Well, I figured Nancy Walker
deserved at least one decent introduction.

Oh, Kermit, I'm
so glad to see you.

OK, OK, OK, you're hired again.

- Ahh.
- Let me just do
the introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big
round of applause for Miss Nancy...

Ah! You blew it too.
It's Nancy Walker!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, Kermit. Don't
worry about a thing.

- I had a wonderful time.
- Oh, yeah?

It was nice working with
what's his name... the bear.

OK, we'll see you
all next time on...

Ah, goodbye everybody. Yeah.

- Wonderful, I loved it.
- Who was your favorite?

- Who else? The frog.
- Mmm.