The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 3 - Milton Berle - full transcript

Milton Berle,

Twenty seconds to curtain,
Stand by for makeup,

Stand by for what?
- Makeup!

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star Mr Milton Berle!

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Another show, another headache,

It's time to get things started on
the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational



This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you,
Hi-ho, and here we go again

with another edition
of The Muppet Show.

Tonight's a speciaI one for
us because our guest star

is one of the truly great
comedians, Milton Berle,

So now, for tonight's opening number,

here he is, one of
the beautifuI people,

There's something wrong
with this hearing aid,

What's wrong?
- I can't hear with it,

Oh, No wonder, It's too far away,

OK, beautifuI opening number,

BeautifuI, Very pretty, very pretty,

Or pretty ugly... anyhow,

What is that?



Fozzie?
- Yeah,

What are you doing?
- I'm hiding from Milton Berle,

Hiding from Milton Berle? He's your
idoI, Don't you want to meet him?

Meet him? Why do you
think I'm hiding, Kermit?

What could this lowly bear
say to the king of comics?

How about "hello"?
- Hello?

I just couldn't say "hello,"

No, I'd have to make a little
speech and groveI a lot,

Whatever you say, but...

I think there's one thing you
should know about Milton Berle,

He's coming down the stairs,

Hi there, Milton, You
ready for your monologue?

All ready,
- OK, I'm gonna go introduce you,

Thank you very much,
- Hey, Uncle Miltie,

I hope you really knock
'em dead out there,

Listen, kid, don't
worry about the king,

I'm not, I'm worried about you,

How do you like that? I'm not even
on the stage and I'm in trouble,

In the golden age of television,

our guest star earned the
title of "Mr Television,"

and he deserves it to this day,

Here he is, the
incomparable Milton Berle!

Thank you, Thank you,
thank you and good evening,

And I wanna thank you, Kermit,
for your wonderfuI introduction,

First time I've ever been
introduced by an amphibious emcee,

You know what "amphibious" means...
he can be dull on land or water,

I feeI great, I feeI wonderfuI, I
just got back from a pleasure trip,

I took my mother-in-law
to the airport,

I really did, And while I was there...

Funny, funny, funny!

I heard about them, It's beginning,

You're the two guys that I heard about
that heckle from the box, aren't you?

There they are, ladies and
gentlemen, Get a good look at 'em,

Starsky and Crutch,

Yeah, don't start with me,
boys, Don't start with me,

Hey, Berle...
- What?

You know what? I've just
figured out your style,

Really?
- You work like Gregory Peck,

Gregory Peck's not a comedian,

Well...

Now just a minute, please, I have been
a successfuI comedian half of my life,

How come we got this half?

Look, did you come in here
to be entertained or not?

That's right,
- What's right?

We came in here to be
entertained and we're not,

Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you
come down here and be funny,

You first,

The audience,

Don't pay any attention to him, folks,

He's the ninth child
of a family of eight,

Let me tell this story...
- Hey, Berle!

Yes, what is it?

You know what you're doing wrong?
- What am I doing wrong?

You're standing too
close to the audience,

Oh, I am? Well... how's this?

You're still too close,

Oh, I'm sorry, Is this OK?

A little more,

How far back do you want me to go?

You got a car?

Let me tell you something,
if you don't stop

I'll have the usher throw you out,
- He can't, he's too busy,

Doing what?
- Keeping people in,

And you're encouraging him!

You know, I got a good mind
to punch you in your nose,

Please, not while I'm holding it,

That's pretty funny,

You can use it,

"You can use it," I don't
need your materiaI, paI,

I got a million funny lines
in the back of my head,

Yeah, how come they
never reach your mouth?

Gentlemen, would you please?
Would you take it easy?

Do you think I'm doing this for fun?
- Not so far,

Oh, I see, You think
you can do better?

I couldn't do worse,
- All right,

OK, I dare you both to come
down here and entertain,

Hey, we should,
- Oh, yeah? Do you sing?

No,
- Do you dance?

No,
- Can you get laughs?

No,
- Then what would you do?

Just what you're doing,

OK, that's it, That's it,
I'm gonna call the police,

Good idea, You need all
the protection you can get,

Don't! I've had it with you guys,

I'm not going to put up with you
anymore... anymore, Not anymore,

Hey, how's it going, Mr Berle?
- Oh, I'm gonna start with you now?

How's it going? It's going terribly,

These guys have been picking on me,
insulting me ever since I started,

Well, can I help you out?
- Please, huh?

Which way did you come in?
- I came in...

Get out of here!

I've had it, I've had it!

Here we go again,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, London,

The will of the late Mary Crandall,

which has been bitterly
contested by her son Charles

and her cat Cuteypie,
was settled today,

A speciaI court has ruled
Charles is the sole heir

and he will be awarded
the entire estate...

ten thousand rubber mice,

And now...

Pigs in Space!

Featuring the master of the Swinetrek,

the intrepid and
well-fed Link Hogthrob,

And his first mate
and second in command,

the very cute and extremely
dangerous Miss Piggy.

And the super brain behind
this whole ghastly mistake,

the inexplicable Dr
Julius Strangepork.

As you recall, last week
the spaceship Swinetrek

was on a suicidal collision course

with a mysterious celestial object.

It's coming straight at us
but I can't tell what it is,

It looks like the
headlight on a motorcycle,

We know what it looks like,
We want to know what it is,

Testy, testy, mon capitain.

Doc, would you look this
thing up in your book?

Ah, yes, yes,

No, no, It's not listed
here under any known objects,

Look under unknown objects,

How could it be in that
book if it's unknown?

There are some things
even pigs don't know,

Oh, brother,

Doc, how long before we
collide with this thing?

Exactly 1 7 hours,
- Good,

Now that's the kind of man
I like to have on my crew,

La-di-da,

Excuse me, captain, it's
not exactly 1 7 hours,

No?
- No, It's 1 7 seconds,

I have trouble with
those little decimals,

Seventeen seconds?
- Nice going, doc,

Prepare for collision,
- Oh!

It was a motorcycle,

I told you that at the
beginning of this dumb sketch!

Lucky guess, Anyway...

...I got us out of that tight pinch,

Stuck pig alarm!

Tune in next week for
last week's chapter

of Pigs in Space,

This is a good place to
hide from Milton Berle,

Gee, I never realised
how funny he really is,

in relation to certain
bears I could mention,

I think I'll just stay here
untiI the end of the show,

Hey, Fozzie, that won't work,

We already used that
joke on Pigs in Space.

The Entertainer, right?

Yep, That's the name of the song,

You know, most people don't know
that there are words to that song,

Yeah, that's true,

You know what they're about?

They're about... the
stars and the performers

and the entertainers that appeared
during the heyday of vaudeville,

Hey, you used to be in
vaudeville, didn't you?

Yeah, sure I was,
but when I was a kid,

Yeah, How many performances
did you do in vaudeville?

Oh, I'd say between
80,000 and 1 00,000,

Wow, You were really The
Entertainer, weren't you?

One of them, yeah, One of them,

Many, many fond memories,

Rowlfy...

Would you play that
song again for moi?

Sure,

Put somethin' in it, Rowlf!

She's a born ham,

Hubba hubba,

Oh, yeah,

Don't hog the piano,

Makin' the bacon,

There we go, bringing home the pork!

What's this?

What does it look like, small
boy I have never seen before?

Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear
trying to hide from Milton Berle,

You have penetrated my disguise,

Oh, Fozzie, Fozzie, why don't
you just go up to Milton Berle

and introduce yourself?
- Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!

Well, I see your point,
Milton's monologue was terrific,

Yeah,
- As a matter of fact,

he's much funnier than you are,

Now if you really want
to know the truth...

I don't, I don't! What's
wrong with old-fashioned Iying?

Oh, Fozzie, you look upset,
- I am, Scooter,

I wish I could go lie down,
- Well, what's stopping you?

You're standing on my beard,
- Oh, Sorry,

And now, straight from
a three-month engagement

at the Desert Springs
Vermont Humane Society,

here is Zelda Rose
and her singing owI,

Oh, Fozzie,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Fozzie, this is your last
chance to meet Milton Berle,

Kermit, I keep telling
you I just can't,

I wouldn't know what to say to him,
- Yeah, well, here he comes,

Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide! Please
don't tell him where I am!

OK, whatever you say,

Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?

Oh, Fozzie Bear, Well, funny
you should mention it, he's...

Where is he?
- He's in Death Valley,

Death Valley?
- Yep, Death Valley,

What's he doing in Death Valley?
- Well, he's...

He's... gathering
materiaI for his act,

I've seen his act, He can
use it, No, I'm kidding,

You know, Kermit, I've always wanted
to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear,

Hi there!
- Fozzie! Back so soon?

Yes, Kermit,
- How was Death Valley?

Hot, Hot, and that's funny,

Nope, Nope, too hot to
be funny in Death Valley,

Yep, folks, once more the bear
talks his way out of things,

Fozzie, I was...
- Yes, sir?

I was just telling Kermit
that I've always wanted

to do a song and dance with you,

You, you? A song and dance with me?

You, the king of the
baggy pants comics,

You, the... the...

How about... Top Banana?

But...

Top Banana.

Listen, Mr Berle, if you want me
to call you a banana I'll do it,

I'll call you a Brussels
sprout, a plum... whatever,

No, no, no, kid,

You see, top banana is what
they call the head comic

back in the days of burlesque,
- Oh!

Let me tell you something,
- OK, yeah,

You listening, Fozzie?
- Oh, yeah, yes, yes,

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I'm taking my case to court,

Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!

What's the matter, my good man?
- Who is this? Who is this?

Why, it's me,
- Oh, good, I thought it was me,

Hey, hey! Now where you going?

I'm taking my case to a higher court,

Hey, hey, now where you going, Sam?

Sam? How did you know?

How did you know...?
Have you heard it, folks?

How'd you know my name was... Will
you wait till I tell it, folks?

How'd you know my name was Sam?
- I guessed it,

Then guess where I'm going,

Hey, hey, what happened in court?

You wanna know?

Stop the music,

Do we have to do this joke?
- You gotta do it,

It's an oldie, paI,
- I know, I know, Do it,

You've got a lot of guts, paI,

I'll tell you that,
- Go, go, Do it,

Well, feed me once more,
please, Feed me, feed me,

Hey, what happened in court?
- Are you ready?

I lost the suit,

Well, we've reached the
end of another one, folks,

Let's have a big round of
applause for Mr Milton Berle!

Thank you, Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen, Thank you,

Fozzie, what are you doing out here?

Milton and I are the best of
friends now, right, Uncle Miltie?

That's right,
- Yeah, From now on, I can see it,

it's the Bear and the Berle,

Wrong, It's the Berle and the Bear,

Yes, O master of mine, GroveI, groveI,

Remember that "groveI, groveI," OK,

And we'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.

Well, I finally got
my hearing aid working,

Speak up, my hearing
aid's not working,