The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 2 - Zero Mostel - full transcript

Zero MosteI, 25 seconds, Stand by,

Mr MosteI?

Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr MosteI?
- He's in his dressing room eating,

I'm not in my dressing room eating!

I'm in my dressing room being eaten!

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Zero MosteI,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Oh, please let them
be funny this once,



It's time to get things started

On the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you, Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Tonight's speciaI guest
star has many, many talents,

Let's see... He acts, he sings,
he dances, he does comedy,

and they all add up to a
great big zero for Zero MosteI,

But first, in an attempt to placate
the culture lovers of our audience...

Oh, at last, at last!

...and in the wings,

we open tonight's show with
a little classicaI music,

Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.



Kermit, Kermit, the concert
pianist could not make it,

But I just introduced the Polonaise.

Here, I got a whole new intro written,

Read that, Good luck, kid,

Let's see... Oh,

OK, ladies and gentlemen,
Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat,

as performed by... Dr Teeth?

What?

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Honk it, honk it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Chopin!

Chopin!

OK! Cookin', cookin'!

Oh, yeah!
- Chopin! Chopin!

You know, I'm really
gonna enjoy tonight,

You plan to like this show?
- No, I plan to watch television,

OK, good oI' Chopin, You
can't beat the classics,

You can only destroy 'em,

Hey, frogis amphibious...
- Yeah?

...don't forget today is payday,

Payday! Payday!

Payday, again? It
was payday last year,

It seems to be getting
to be a habit around here,

Well, I'll see what's
in the old cash box here,

Three moths and a washer,

Well, that's more
than we usually have,

Oh, where am I going to
get the payroll money?

Oh, how much do you need, Kermit?

Oh, Scooter, 27 dollars and 1 4 cents,

Wow! That's high finance,

I'll get it,

Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J,P,

That's Scooter's uncle, J,P, Grosse,

the bloodless old tightwad
who owns this theatre,

Yeah, yeah, Well, listen...

Could you put your cigar out, please?

Thanks, Oh, everything's fine,

Yeah, except Kermit needs
some money to make the payroll,

What'd he say?

He said, "Uh-huh,"
- Terrific,

If...
- If what?

If you put some good old-fashioned
entertainment back into the show,

You mean like an Irish tenor?
- No,

A dog act? Jugglers?
Spoon players? What?

Lady wrestlers,

Terrific, I was afraid he
wanted something tasteless,

OK, now it's time for our speciaI
guest to do something speciaI,

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Zero MosteI,

Yeah, what's the name of this movie?
- Beach Blanket Frankenstein.

AwfuI,
- Terrible film,

Yeah, well, we could watch
The Muppet Show instead,

WonderfuI,
- Terrific film,

Where am I gonna find a couple of
lady wrestlers at this late date?

Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo?

How'd you like to work on
The Muppet Show tonight?

I see, TranscendentaI meditation,

That's too bad,

Now what?

Hey, AnimaI, would you get the door?

I say, would you get
the door? Get the door,

Ah, get the door!

Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler,

Here door,

My, what a dynamic
doorman you have here,

How was your tennis game
today? Have a rough match?

I see you did,

Do you play tennis?
- Of course,

How's your backhand?
- Fair,

How's your forehand?
- Oh, they're terrific,

You say you watched six
tennis matches today?

How do you feeI?

Fine, Just fine,

What'd you do today?
- Just spent the day in court,

My tennis instructor says I've
been using too small a racket,

Oh, why not get a big racket?

You say you want a big racket?
- Yeah,

Excuse me, Kermit,
may I speak with you?

Sure, Sam, What you want?

I think you know why I'm here,

Well, actually, Sam,
to tell you the truth,

I've never known why you're here,
- I feeI my job is to make sure

this program is morally upright
and culturaI and wholesome,

You got your work
cut out for you, bird,

Now that was unwholesome,

That was not culturaI,

Fine, fine, But what
can I do for you, Sam?

I want to know who is going
to be on tonight's show,

Oh, well, let's see,
tonight's show is very classy,

it's very highbrow,
you'll like this show,

Good, Yes, yes, Tell me more,

Let's see, We got... Fozzie is
doing a pantomime with Zero MosteI,

Got a musicaI number...
- MusicaI number? Good, good,

...with Zoot and Rowlf, And
then of course we've got...

We got the lady...

...the lady wrestlers,

The what?
- Oh, nothing, Sam,

It's just... We got some
lady... lady wrestlers,

Stand by for the pantomime number!

Lady what?

Lady wrest...

Wrest... What?
- Lers,

Lady wrestlers?!

Lady wrestlers!

You don't understand,
- Have we no shame?!

Kermit, something,
something must be done here,

Someone must work for
integrity and decency,

Someone, someone must do this,

I shall continue to speak out,

knowing someday I will
get my just desserts,

Sam, you will someday
get your just desserts,

What was that?
- Just dessert,

The road is long, The path is steep,

Oh, Dr Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today,

Well, we've had a major
breakthrough here at the laboratory,

Beaker, come on in
here and let's show them

Muppet Labs' brand-new
magnetic carrots,

Come on, Beaker, Just
pick up the lid there,

It's all right,

Isn't that snazzy?

Now these carrots are
perfectly ordinary in every way,

except that they are magnetic,

Yes, friends, you can carry
these new magnetic carrots home

on the roof of your car and store them
on the ceiling of your refrigerator,

Oh, of course, to be perfectly
honest, there is one slight drawback,

Sometimes the magnetic carrots
tend to attract steeI... rabbits,

Tune in next time for
news of our research

into the feasibility
of cast-iron watchdogs,

Beaker,

Let's switch channels,
This show is dull,

You bet,

What is that?

It looks like two ancient old
guys sitting in a theatre box

watching television,
- That's crazy!

No one would watch junk like that,

Excuse me, Mr MosteI,
- Yes?

I am Sam the Eagle...
- I'm so glad to know you,

Yes, glad to know you,

I am the upholder of decency
and dignity for this show,

Are you really?
- Yes,

I believe this program is triviaI,

and... and not fit for family viewing,

It is... It is disgracefully
lacking in culture,

It is disgracefully
lacking in culture,

I'm glad you agree with me, yes,

I, personally, have always
felt that this program

must... must, I say,

be cleansed of all
nonsense and silliness,

Don't you agree with me, sir?
- Of course,

Yes,
- Must be cleansed,

Now, it seems to me that
you and I think alike,

Well, it's been a pleasure...

A pleasure talking to
you, sir, A man of dignity,

Dignity, Always dignity,

Dignity, dignity...

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am,

What can I do for you?

I understood you're
looking for lady wrestlers,

You see, I'm Granny the Gouger
and I'd like to audition,

You want to audition?

That's very funny, Is this some
kind of a joke or something?

Joke? Funny?

Young man, it's not nice
to make fun of an old lady,

You're going to be
old yourself someday,

And when that day comes,

you're going to be sorry
you weren't nicer to Granny,

I think I'm sorry already,

Late, late at night

The world sleeps...

And I am here alone

And here I come some nights

To confront my fears

They're here, my fears

They are always with me

Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting

They come!

And they go

But though they are
gone they are never far

And here, alone at night...

...I can confront them

There they are, confronted fears
Fears of hunger, fears of pain...

Fears of missing the last train

Fear of dentists always drilling

Fear that no one will be willing

To see me as I know I really am

Once they are counted and compelled

They can quickly be dispelled

Like figments of my own imagination

But always... There are other fears

Fears of snakes, fears of cats

Fears of maitre d's and rats

An irrationaI black terror
that someday I may get fat

Fear of elevators falling

And the taxman someday calling

And the accidentaI walling of myself

Up inside a clammy,
dank old dingy cellar

Where the spiders
weave around my tummy

And the worms and
bugs and crawly things

Squirm and squiggle at my person

Oh, I love it!

Once they are counted and compelled

They can quickly be dispelled

But then...

There are other fears

Fears of bullets, there's a dread

Fear of baldness on the head

Fear of waking up one morning

To discover that you are dead

Once they are counted and compelled

They can quickly be dispelled

Like figments of my own imagination

Then there is the last fear

Just about the time I'm past fear

The one that really is finaI

It will come yours... and mine'II

In the darkest of the night

It will come without a fight

It will count me and compeI me

It will casually dispeI me

For I am just a figment

Of its own imagination

Oh, look at that,

The show's almost over and I still
haven't found another lady wrestler,

Oh, where in the world am I gonna
find another heavyweight, aggressive,

tough female with a killer's instinct?

Hello, Kermit,

Oh, hi, Miss Piggy,

And, pray tell, what is
my wonderfulness doing?

Oh, you see, I was just
thinking that you'd be perfect

for a speciaI spot in tonight's show,

You have created a spot just for moi?

Oh, tell me about it, my
little green ball of passion,

Yes, yes, yes,

Yeah, Well, you see, this is
a spot that requires an actress

with tremendous strength...
- Yes,

- ... versatility...
- Yes,

...and someone who's all female,

Oh, Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc?
- No,

Naughty Marietta?
- No,

Oh, Lady Macbeth,

Well, it's more like a lady wrestler,

Lady... wrestler?

Well, yeah, It's a sort of thing

where you... You have
to have the ability to...

I mean, wrestlers are...
- Lady wrestler?!

What do you make of that, man?
- Ten to one on the pig,

Right,
- Lady wrestler?!

Tonight we're gonna present you
with a culturaI demonstration

of female grace and dexterity,

So here they are, direct from
the Bali Hai BowI-A-Drome,

Granny the Gouger and
the Mysterious Miss Mask,

One fall, no holds barred,

Hope your insurance is paid, frog,

Alley-oop!

I think you'd better give up, frog,

What, and leave show business?

What did you do to my frog?

I'll show you,

Well, that's about it
for another Muppet Show.

Some of us have taken great
pains to bring you this show,

But right now I'd like to
thank our speciaI guest star,

who has joined the ranks of the
Muppet monsters, Mr Zero MosteI,

Come on out!

Now you stop that, Mr MosteI,

Well, that's about it,

We'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.

Must there be a next time?

What do you think of television?

Shocking, isn't it?